As a host parent, you’ve worried about car accidents, flu shots and even head lice. But did you ever think you’d need to worry about bedbugs?

HMJ didn’t think so.

But now, bedbug-related fears — all very reasonable — are challenging her relationship to her terrific Au Pair.

Dear AuPairMom -

We are 18 months into our experience with our first aupair (she extended for an extra year). We love her and she is a responsible, beautiful young woman. Really a part of our family and a perfect fit for us. She has a boyfriend and it’s pretty serious but she insists she’s going home in 6 months regardless of her boyfriend. 

Our au pair spends every weekend with her boyfriend at his apartment from Friday night until late Sunday night. This has not been a problem for us at all. BUT, now we have an issue.

The boyfriend’s apartment has been confirmed for a bedbug infestation (from a new roommate that moved in in Thanksgiving).

We have had our house inspected and we’ve been told that we don’t have bedbugs in our house. However, I hear that bedbug inspections and also bedbug treatments are not fool-proof.

Obviously, we don’t want bedbugs to invade our home. We can’t bear the idea of them, much less the expense and trauma to deal with them (and the toxins all over the house).

I have told our au pair that she cannot stay over at her boyfriend’s home until the bedbug treatment is done and his apartment is declared bedbug-free. But, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with her going over there at all, even after the exterminator has been there.

Au au pair is devastated, crying all the time, not eating. I love her and don’t want to hurt her but I just don’t want to have to worry for 6 months about discovering bedbugs. The fellow who inspected out house has explained that she might be able to prevent bringing bedbugs home with her by taking off all her clothes before she enters the house (and leaving them and a clean change of clothes in the garage). And, he suggested that she leave her things in the car. But the car she uses is also the one that we use for the kids. And, if you have bedbugs in your garage how long until they get inside somehow, someway?

Apparently, the beg bugs (outside, in bags) can be killed in freezing temperatures AFTER 2 solid weeks. We currently have below freezing weather, but in 2 months that won’t be a solution.

And here’s the real problem: I don’t trust the boyfriend. I am not convinced they will spend the money to do the treatment correctly and keep up inspections. I don’t have any solid reason to feel this way just some bad impressions (he’s a deadbeat dad, hasn’t made accommodations to support her schedule, etc.)

What would you do? HMJ

Dear MHJ -

This is an especially tough situation since the real remedy — complete & trustworthy extermination — is beyond your control.

There’ a whole lot of distance between you and who’s responsible for the problem & on the hook for the solution (the boyfriend’s roommate). You’ve got to find a way to get your au pair, her boyfriend, and his roommate to care about this as much as you do.

You are completely right, of course, about wanting to protect your home, your kids, and your au pair from bedbugs and related extermination trauma.

Your request that your au pair not spend time at her boyfriend’s house is reasonable from that perspective. And, for a host of reasons, we understand that you wouldn’t want to invite him to sleep over or hang out in your home. Keep in mind, too, that your au pair shouldn’t be over at his place even immediately after the place is treated– sometimes it takes many treatments, and it always takes several weeks after any treatment to know whether it’s been effective.

I’ve got two suggestions — a ‘head’ strategy and a ‘heart’ strategy.

First, the information-oriented approach:

Ask your au pair to become an expert on bedbugs and how to eradicate them.

• Ask her to identify what really is effective, and to develop a plan that (she and) her boyfriend could pursue to make his apartment and her safe from bedbugs.

• Have her look online at bed bug slide shows like this one from WebMD or at YouTube videos of bedbugs crawling over someone’s bed or arm. It will completely creep her out and impress on her just how serious a bedbug infestation can be.

• Position this as a way she needs to take care of herself. And, let it take the burden off you for being the person telling her not to hang out in that apartment.

Now for the Heart-based approach:

Use the “he would if he really cared” argument.

For example,

• If her boyfriend really loves her and really wants to spend time with her at his home, he & his roommate need to exterminate and then have it
• If her boyfriend really cares about her, and if he is really good enough for her, he can prove it by verifying that his apartment is bug-free.
• If he really loved her, he wouldn’t want her to expose herself or her host family to bed bugs.

If she and he know what they’re really facing with bedbugs, and they care about each other (and your family), he should bite the bullet and deal with it.

Host parents, what else would you try?

See also:

Creepy, Crawly, Contagious Things- What if your Au Pair catches them too?

Image: Bunia Beagle Some rights reserved by gmeger . Just fyi, beagles can be trained to ‘sniff out’ bedbugs.

We’ve had some funny and not so funny stories about damage to our homes by au pairs who were clueless (at best), careless (most often) and intentionally destructive (nightmare). Everything from soaked ceilings under the au pair bathroom, to hair dye on the bathroom walls, to nail polish on the fancy sheets.

We have a decent handle on what to expect when an au pair damages a car…. usually we ask the au pair to pay half of all of the damage up to the $509 deductible, and we use insurance to cover the rest. (That’s the ‘official’ policy, anyway).

But damage to our homes is another story.

We don’t have a built-in mechanism like insurance with a deductible, and it doesn’t happen often enough that we have much experience. And, there are many shades of gray–

what’s reasonable ‘wear and tear’, and what’s outright damage?

This host mom writes with her question about damage to the au pair suite. Her au pair is still with them, so they still have time to address the situation. But, they are in rematch (early ending) since the relationship wasn’t going well. Thus, there are all the usual tensions related to frustration, anger, resentment, impending relief, and self-questioning, that have to be factored in before she knows how she wants to respond.

And, dear readers, she’d like advice from you.

Dear AuPairMoms–

I need some advice.   We are new HPs who have ended our relationship with AP after 9 months. We’re one of those newbie HPs who ignored some major red flags in the beginning hoping our AP would turn around, but we just got emotionally drained dealing with AP as she continued to make the same serious mistakes in month 9 as she did in week 4 with our kids. So, we ended the match.

The AP had our in-law suite downstairs, and she really decided to make it her own space. It’s a pretty big room – in suite bathroom, bedroom and den. She covered nearly every square inch of wall space with posters of models, women working out, motivational sayings about weight lose, etc. Our AP is 21, but her room looks like that of a typical 14 year old (as you can see, lack of maturity was a big issue).

As her room became more cluttered, we were tempted to direct her to take down the things on the walls fearing what all of that tape would do to the walls. However, we knew she had some major self-esteem issues, and we had some performance issues that were more pressing that we were in the midst of addressing. Therefore, we decided to leave it alone, and let her carve out her own little space in our home.

As expected, upon taking down the posters in preparation for her departure, she damaged some of our wall space. Of course, the mature thing to do would be to come to us and let us know. But she has yet to say a word although we can clearly see the damage. This is not the first time our AP has damaged something in the house, and hoped that we wouldn’t notice.

What do other HPs do when an au pair has damaged the bedroom?

I’m sure there are APs who have damaged living space during their stay. The first time our AP damaged something she also tried to hide it, and when we found out, we dinged her pay for the repair cost. We will definitely point out the wall damage to her, but is this just the cost of having a non-considerate AP, or do HPs try to ding the cost of paint/repair from the weekly stipend?

At this point, we just want her out of the house, but curious as to how others would handle this situation … Thnx, 3/4HM

[3/4HM -- be sure to read this post: Checkout Task List: Back by popular demand]

See also:

Something’s Missing: Not the GPS, but her sense of Responsibility
When fault is contested, who pays for damage to the car?
Can you guess what prompted this tip?
Your Au Pair’s Room: How much mess can you take?

Imgages:  My Bedroom Some rights reserved by Sweet-Rainbow, Damage  Some rights reserved by Pink Sherbet Photography

A soon-to-be au pair emailed me last month to let me know she’s started a Tumblr (a simplified blog) to offer advice to au pairs. The blog, The Au Pair Guide, will cover questions and answers, au pair to au pair. She’ll also be sharing from her own experience as she leaves the USA to au pair in Australia.

Several different au pair blogs have popped up since Au Pair Mom started, and while some of them have been mentioned in our conversations and others have been captured in the list on the sidebar, I’m sure that there are other good resources out there for au pairs that I’ve missed. This one looks fun, so you might check it out yourself and share it with your au pair…

Dear AuPairMom -

I’ve been following your blog for the past couple months as I prepare to be an au pair myself in June. It’s really insightful to hear host moms’ perspective before I leave; I think your blog is a great resource for moms and au pairs alike!

Sadly, there seems to be a gap in helpful au pair websites but I’ve started one to hopefully get a dialogue going for the other side. I’d love it if you could feature it under your au pair &/or parenting list. There seems to be such a dearth of au pair blogs and I’d like to reach out to as many girls as I can! Thanks so much for the awesome blog again!

http://theapguide.tumblr.com/

Of course if you know of other au pair blogs that are positive, can-do, and all about making the au pair adventure more worthwhile, I’d be happy to list these in the sidebar too. Just let me know.

For every new host family, our #1 recommendation is to write a family handbook.

Most of us here at Au Pair Mom firmly believe that getting our household rules and family-related expectations down on paper helps us be clearer about what is important to us as host parents, family members, and heads of household. Plus, we know that having a handbook helps our au pairs know what to expect from us.

Because we believe in handbooks so much, we have shared with each other our templates, our examples, the lists of important categories, and individual tips.

Which makes me wonder–

What if au pairs came with a handbook of their own?

What information — beyond the basics offered in an au pair’s application materials — would we like to know to help us know what to expect from them?

Wouldn’t you love to see the categories of information (e.g., sleep habits, music preferences, fantasy American vacation spots) that you’d like au pairs to put in a handbook? Or what Au Pairs themselves would want to put into a handbook?

Wouldn’t you like to know what types of imformation (we think) our au pairs might like us to have? Maybe au pairs might tell us how might like to be taught our childcare practices, or whether they prefer to read the alarm system manual before being shown which button to press!

Let’s try to crowdsource a ‘template’ that we could offer to au pairs who wanted to write their own handbook… ?

See also:

Are “crazy” Au Pair guidelines really all that crazy?
What can an Au Pair expect from a Host Family?
What exactly is a Host Family Handbook?

Images: I’ve started to write a book….from lo83
Write from spaceamoeba

As every reader of this blog knows, we are big fans of the concept of the Family Handbook. And by “we” I don’t mean the royal  moi, but all of us host parents (and even au pairs). It really helps to create a handbook to get your expectations and needs out into clear language, and it helps your au pair to have explanations s/he can refer to.

Our handbooks can get pretty long.  The more we know about challenges, and the more we learn about our preferences, the more pages we seem to add to these books. Our family handbooks can appear daunting to a new au pair too — All those rules! Procedures! Explanations! Curfews! English words I don’t recognize!

On paper, we thoughtful, well-prepared host parents can come off looking like nags, dictators, and uptight prisses who will be impossible to live with (even though we are not that way). The challenge is always — do we spell it all out and risk looking insane? Or do we leave things out (and hope they won’t be missed) in order to look less rigid or rule-bound?

We also recommend that you send these handbooks to our prospective au pairs so that they can know (as clearly as we can spell it out) what to expect as our au pair. Some host parents (I’m thinking of you, CalifMom) send the handbook to all prospective au pairs as part of the “I dare you to match with our family” strategy. The idea here is  “forewarned is better than ambushed”.

Unfortunately, sending an incoming au pair our complete (obsessively detailed) handbooks can misrepresent the otherwise loving, open and relaxed familys/he has yet to meet in person. The handbook can  even scare (or scare off) an otherwise great au pair.

Given the tension between informing your au pair and freaking him or her out,  the question is– when is the best time to send an incoming au pair your handbook?

[There are a lot of choices here -- and I'm sure that sometimes you use a combination. Give it your best shot.]

This squestion comes up for NewbieHostMom, who wonders:

We have our first au pair arriving this weekend. Should I send her our handbook before she gets here? I am a little obsessive, maybe even compulsive. Our handbook is extensive. If I send her to her today or tomorrow she will be getting it a few days before she departs for her orientation. Is that too much, or will it be appreciated? She seems to want the info, and I did send her a basic schedule for hours, but I am just not sure what to do.

I suggested that she send just the schedule and driving rules — as a taste of things, but a small enough amount that it wouldn’t overwhelm (Also, at this point the au pair might only be able to read it as an email, not printed out, and that could complicate things too.)

What do you all think?

This query was tucked away in a previous post: Tough Topic: When your au pair steals from you. I thought it deserved its own, up-to-the-minute conversation.

From Host Mom Pippa:

I just last week caught our au pair stealing little items from us, confronted her, and then caught her the next day stealing more.

AP was preparing a package to send home for Christmas. The top of the box was open and I immediately recognized that she had taken an Amazon blue fabric gift bag to fill empty space in the box. It took a split second for me to recognize the item and AP to know I’d seen it. Before I said anything, she volunteered out of the blue that her mother had sent it to her. I was a little annoyed that she had just lied, but recognized that she was on the spot and her instinct might have been to lie to protect herself. Who hasn’t done that?

Later I went to her and explained that I regularly use (and reuse) the bag for oddly shaped presents that can’t be wrapped, said that I understood she probably didn’t know it was valuable to me, and that if she wanted to use something to ask me first. I emphasized I wasn’t upset, but wanted to be clear that she needed to ask before taking. She removed it from the box and returned it to me and then said she needed to ask about one other thing. She showed me a gift box she had taken to use for the au pair meeting gift exchange. It happened to be a family heirloom from my husband’s childhood. I thanked her for telling me, offered her three other options for packing the present, and reinforced that she can’t know what’s valuable or not and so should always ask first before taking something. I thought the issue was dealt with.

After work the next day I entered APs room to retrieve the ringing family phone. The package she was preparing to send home was wide open on her bed and I immediately recognized a number of other items that belonged to me–not high value items, but meaningful to me. A Christmas stocking my grandmother made me. A decorative box I’d placed in APs room to hold office supplies. An assortment of Christmas cards she’d taken from my collection. A selection the loveliest fabric ribbons from my ribbon box.

Since she was away for the evening at a basketball game with two other au pairs (using very pricy tickets we’d gladly given her) I left a note on the box stating she’d taken things that were valuable to me and we needed to talk. The next morning she returned the Christmas stocking, asking if that was what I’d meant, but not the box or cards or ribbons. She cried and apologized and said there was no excuse. I expressed my anger and frustration that she had stolen, had lied, and then had stolen again AFTER I talked to her about not taking things without asking. I demanded that she return everything she had not purchased with her own money, ribbons, cards and box included. She protested that since the box was in her room she thought it was ok to use. She asked if I wanted to see everything in the box. I declined and said I trusted her to fix the problem. AP said she understood that she had broken our trust, and felt awkward. I assured her that I was angry but in time I would calm down and that we clearly needed to improve our communication.

A week later, I don’t that I did the right thing. On the one hand, the items were not particularly valuable and might, in a stretch, be viewed as “consumables,” and I have made and forgiven greater mistakes. On the other hand, my trust has been violated, and I am now hyper-vigilant and somewhat uncomfortable leaving her alone in the house. I absolutely do not trust her judgment about what is community property and what is not. And I find myself being retrospectively annoyed about her purchasing personal items (mostly junk food) with family grocery money. Which just seems petty. And wondering if the toddler’s swimsuit disappearing the day AP didn’t get much sleep and then reappearing the next day in a place I had searched thoroughly was a coincidence or was deliberate. Which just seem paranoid. I thought I would forgive and forget, but so far I’m still fuming. Is the problem mine (I’m being petty and paranoid) or serious enough to send the AP packing?

First reply is from HRHM, who offers:

Having been burned on this in the worst possible way – I suggest you start the rematch now. She’s an adult who despite all possible cultural differences, knows what stealing is and knows that those things weren’t hers to take/give away. She knew what she was doing was wrong the first time and if there was any doubt, she REALLY knew it the 2nd time. It’s not kleptomania (since her thefts serve a purpose – no compulsion) but rather a sense that either a)you are rich and won’t miss what she takes or b) she deserves to take these things because of how hard she works and how little she reaps from being your AP.

In our case, my biggest mistake was not calling the police and filing charges when it came out what she was doing. If you can’t trust her not to violate your personal property, how can you trust her to be alone with your kids? (and by the way, after ours was sent home for stealing, our 5 year old told us how she was forcing them to overeat and making up stories to scare her into doing what she wanted – case in point).

Sometimes, I get really envious of host families whose au pairs know how to cook. I mean really know how to cook– au pairs who will suggest meals, create something new out of a chicken breast, and clip a recipe from People Magazine. We have never had an au pair who is an accomplished cook, and only a few who have been competent cooks. So, I’ve found myself teaching au pairs many of the basics and managing the overall food plan for our family.

Once your kids age out of mashed peas, PB&J, and Annie’s Mac’n Cheese, your au pair has to prepare real meals for them– meals with a protein, two veggies, and maybe a fruit course. You want the food to be nutritious, reasonably varied, easy to prepare, and attractive to the kids. Not such a tall order, right?

But we forget how much technical knowledge, how much cultural knowledge and how much personal knowledge goes into cooking a good kids’ meal. And, we forget that cooking and especially coordinating the many components of a meal, all while minding kids, can also be challenging.

When host parents ask for advice about au pairs and cooking, here is what we on the blog have recommended so far:

1. Identify the foods your kids will & should eat.

We made lists of the foods (and preparations) that our kids like. We’ve got a chart on the fridge with a column of protein entrees (chicken preparations, some pasta dishes, bean chili, and a few beef-based things) a column of vegetable preparations (broccoli, broccoli, broccoli), and some starches (soba, brown rice, Uncle Ben’s, kamut spirals). We have a separate column for the ‘fruit course’ (our version of dessert) that suggests fruit sliced, diced and even microwaved.

2. Teach your au pair how to prepare each of these basic dishes, in the most simple ways.

We have cooking sessions that address how to saute a chicken breast, brown ground beef (and pour off fat), slice and steam broccoli, etc.

3. Create guaranteed crowd-pleaser, complete, “meals”.

Establish a set of full meals– a protein, 2 veggies, and extras — that can be learned and remembered by any cook. In the short term, this strategy helps an au pair build a repertoire. In the mid-term, this strategy teaches your au pair the idea of what kinds of combinations create a “meal”.

4. Make a weekly plan, with one of these meals each day, for your au pair to follow.

Create a weekly menu. Really. Write it down, shop for it, and post it on the fridge. Write it on the calendar.

5. Celebrate the concept of repetition.

My girlfriend Alma writes a unique food blog called Take Back the Kitchen, where she shares recipes and tips for women who are not really that competent in the kitchen and who want to get better at preparing happy healthy meals.

Alma has a system for her 4 kids where she has a set meal for each of 6 days of the week– one day is chicken, one day is pasta, one day is “breakfast for dinner” and so on. Alma set this up when her kids were little and had some food sensitivities. When she first told me about it, I wondered whether this much repetition would be boring, but Alma’s kids really liked it. Her system sure made it easy for whichever parent or au pair was shopping or cooking. As the kids have gotten older Alma’s added more variety in how things are prepared, but in general no one minds that there is a pattern of meals that are repeated over and over.

Similarly, my friend Adelaide and her sisters put together a binder of “15 Meals Every Wilcox Kid Likes” . Each page has an entree, veggies, recipes, and — wait for it — a preparation ‘count down’!  Yes, if you are unsure how long you should wait, after putting the meatloaf in the oven, until you start steaming the green beans, those Wilcox sisters are there to help.

We grown ups think we dislike repetition, but I’ll bet you that there are 8 meals that you and your family love, and that are repeated over and over. Better to have 8 healthy, enjoyable meals over and over than the drama of “what the heck’s for dinner this time?”

In most cases, you must be the Executive Chef to your au pair’s Line Cook.

Unfortunately, if your au pair is not cook already, you will probably need to do all the meal planning for him or her. That means, you have to be the one to choose the marinade for the chicken, declare that it’s green beans and not broccoli for Tuesday night, and communicate the plan to him or her. You have to be the one to balance the assortment of foods over the course of the week, and make sure that the food is purchased.

If your au pair is a motivated learner, s/he may learn enough about cooking to pick up some of these big picture tasks as the year goes on.

A thought  for Aligning Objectives with Your Au Pair

It may also help to share with your au pair your own orientation towards food. Some people think of food as “energy for a day of fun”, others think of it as a kind of self-expression, and others think of food as a way to share love.

If you have an “approach” or an orientation towards the meals you and your family create, sharing this with you au pair might help to get him or her in a similar frame of mind. I’ve found it helpful to think about and talk about meals in our family as something more than getting food on the table. When I do this, and when I’ve shared this with our au pairs, it has helped to lift us above some of the everyday burden of cooking, and see cooking and the meals we create as a way to share values and to share purpose.

Here’s a request from AG, who has tried some of these suggestions with her au pair, but needs some more advice….

I was hoping to get some advice on my au pair’s cooking. She has been with us since April and, although she is not perfect, I have to say that we feel blessed. She loves loves loves our kids and makes them her priority; she is patient, attentive, flexible, and safety conscious. My one pet peeve is that she does not know how to cook. OK, she does know how to cook pasta and how to prepare sandwich and cut fruit, but she does not know how to put together nutritious meals for our kids.

Even though I gave her a binder with recipes to follow and even though we spoke to her about alternating and varying the meals, she still cooks pasta, then rice, pasta, then rice, and so on. I think that on the one hand, she does not enjoy cooking that much, and on the other hand, she tries to make what is easy and fast (and according to her, what the kids like…)

I don’t expect my au pair to be an executive chef, but I would like her to take more initiative in preparing more variety and more elaborate meals.

Part of the reason I have an au pair is for me not to have to come back home and see the kids eating pasta for the 100th time. They typically eat earlier than we (the parents) do, so our pair must prepare their meals before we come home. She has a lot of time during the day, while we parents are at work and the kids are at school, to think about what to serve them that would be nutritious and tasty!

What is reasonable for AG to expect from her au pair? What should AG be ready to provide for her au pair, to meet her goal of nutritious and tasty meals?

Image:
I stole the photo of Shrimp and Corn Salad from Take Back the Kitchen, where you can find the recipe!

See Also:
Food secrets from the West Coast: Calif Mom shares all!
Feeding my kids too much fast food… Now what?

One of my guilty pleasures as a host mom has been to think that I’ve been able to give my au pairs some good advice. After all, I’ve had a lot of life experience, I’m opening-minded, I have relevant professional experience, and — let’s face it– I usually know what I’m talking about (grin). Therefore, it has never really occurred to me that any of my au pairs might not be interested in my advice.

This au pair’s request for advice hit a little close to home. (Cough, cough.)  Aimee is a bit confused (her description) about what to do next in her life. But she’s clear about one thing; she doesn’t want to extend with her current host family.

In the meantime, her host mom would like her to extend, and may (or may not) be offering advice intended to meet the Host Mom’s needs and not the needs of the au pair.

How can this au pair get a little psychic space, and have some quiet to sort things out on her own?

Dear Au Pair Mom– First, I have to tell you that I’m a huge fan of the blog. I think it’s an amazing help. I”m a little embarrassed to admit how much time I spend skimming past topics and comments looking for tips and insights for my own year as an au pair!

I have a little dilemma, and that’s why I’m emailing you now:

I’m an American au pair, living in Europe city. My host family have two little boys who are complete angels, and I adore them. I’ve been with this family for about 2 1/2 months. I’m lucky enough to have my own apartment in the same building as my HF, so my situation is a little unique- it’s much more of an employee/boss relationship than a familial one, which is completely fine by me; it’s what I prefer. Right now, I’m scheduled to stay with this family until the end of July.

My problem is this- I’m 18 years old, and I have no idea what I want to do. My mother is pressuring me to start school in the fall, and I’ve applied to a couple of schools in the country I’m in now, but I’m not sure I’ll get in. My boyfriend lives in another European country, and I’ve also applied to a university there. I don’t want to go back to the States, and once August comes around, my visa will be up, and I’m scared of running out of options.

My HM knows this, and lately, she’s been keeping me later to “chat” about my future. We both tentatively discussed extending when I first started, but I made it clear that I wouldn’t commit to anything until I was sure. I was expecting to have that conversation in a month or so. My host mom was understanding and said “No pressure.”

Except lately, I have been feeling the pressure!

It’s not so much that I mind her nightly pep talks and advice, but I just can’t help feeling that they’re far from genuine. For example, every conversation always seems to end with, “… well, maybe you should just stay another 6 months or a year while you’re figuring out what you want.”

I’ve pretty much decided that whatever I end up doing, I won’t be extending, but I don’t want to tell her yet, because I’m sure she’ll ask what I’ll be doing instead, and I don’t want to say that I’m not sure yet and come off as, “Basically, I’m doing anything but staying with you.”

My HM’s advice also all ends up being exactly the opposite of what my own mother is advising me to do, and while I know it’s good to hear different opinions, frankly, I never really asked for my HM’S opinion, and it’s starting to get on my nerves. Maybe if we had a more familial relationship, I would appreciate it, but I honestly doubt that my HD even remembers my last name, and I’m not interested in suddenly becoming the adoptive daughter so that she can try to convince me to extend.

I just want to finish my last several months in peace, without getting unsolicited advice about every aspect of my life (because she’s also given her two cents about my boyfriend, mother, father, and vacations) but without offending my HM and souring our normally pleasant relationship. I have my own opinions about her life, but I keep my mouth shut, because it’s not my place. How can I politely get her to do the same thing with mine?

Thank you a million times just for taking the time to read this!!
— Aimee AP

Dear Aimee AP-

Before we go further, let’s just chuckle at the irony of asking host moms & dads for advice about how to avoid a host mom’s advice!

This situation calls out for our favorite American problem-solving process: a frank conversation. You’ll need to find a way to talk about both extending and the advice, with the goal of leaving your host mom feeling good about you as an au pair, okay about your need to keep your own counsel, and okay about going on to find a new au pair.

Even though your Host Mom may be offering advice that suits her needs, let’s “extend a generous interpretation” to her and imagine that she’s doing this with the very best of intentions. Approaching the situation from this expectation may help to shape your conversation with your host mom in a positive way, since people generally will rise up to shine in the positive light we offer them. And, she may be unaware of how self-centered her advice seems… she may actually be thinking she’s helping!

Since you know what your actual decision is about extending, there isn’t a chance that the conversation will change that outcome for you… So, it’s all about shaping the way your host mom understands your decision(s).

Here’s one way to unfold the conversation:

First, you might gently tell your Host Mom that, although you are not sure what your exact plans are for next year, you know that you’ll need to move on to your next adventure. Having another 6 months as an au pair would just delay the inevitable decision(s) for you. And, the school year timing, how you’ll feel when you get accepted to schools, your desire to be nearer your boyfriends, etc. etc. all suggest that, when you do decide, you’ll be eager to go and actually need to leave right away. You do not want to leave her in the lurch.

It would be better for your Host Mom and for the darling boys if the transition for them could be deliberate, well-planned and well-orchestrated. You want to do what’s best for them, and what’s best would be to move on to another AP who could confidently commit to a year, without second guessing her next steps. Of course, you’d be happy to help orient a new au pair, or to do whatever else you can to make the transition easy for the boys.

In the meantime, you have been talking closely with your mom, who (as your HM may or may not know) is strongly advising you to make plans for school. And of course, you know that you can talk things over with your host mom if you need to sort out options, but your host mom will understand that right now what you really need is space to think things through yourself. You appreciate her understanding, etc.

You might also have a kind, one-liner ready, something like

“I know that you want to be helpful, and offer your perspective. You’ve had a lot of great ideas to share with me. But, what I really need now is not more information, but the chance to reflect on my own needs. And I now I can turn to you when I need help, but right now I’m not really feeling like talking about it more.”

Then switch the topic to something about the boys. To a host mom, the only thing more appealing than offering advice is talking about her darling kid(s)!

That’s one suggestion, and I’m sure other HMs & HDs have ideas too– so let’s hear them!

Image: Talk To The Hand from Tancread

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[ Note: I think this might be the longest AuPairMom post I've ever written. It was a long train ride and I think I got carried away.]

Host families and au pairs call it mutual expectations, and management scholars call it the “psychological contract”.

The idea behind a psychological contract is that we agree to give our employee/employer certain services and attitudes, and in exchange they offer to compensate us both financially, materially (e.g., with a tv and internet access) and in less tangible terms. When either the services and attitudes change, or the tangible and less tangible compensation changes, Basically, the exchange is now out of balance, and one side feels taken advantage of.

When either the family or the au pair fails to live up to what they said they’d provide, or what they implied that they’d be like, it’s a situation where the psyholocgal contract has been broken.

Usually when we start an employment arrangement, the psychological contract is reasonably clear. When we initially match with an au pair, we know what we are able to give and we try to be explicit about what we expect to get. We are usually able to establish a well-understood balance of what will be exchanged.

However, psychological contracts evolve over time. Many of us host parents relax restrictions and begin to give more compensation, with more free time, more driving privileges, a few family members using our homes as a hotel, and stuff like that.

It’s a problem, though, when an au pair doesn’t recognize and appreciate the extras. And, it’s even worse when she recognizes them but doesn’t hold up her end of the changing exchange — at least the way you think she should.

One situation where the changes in psychological contracts become clear are when ‘on duty’ hours change. Lots of us need different kinds of ‘on duty’ weeks during the winter than during summer vacation, and might go from 30 hrs a week to 45 when June comes around. Great when you can anticipate this and build it in explicitly, but a real drag when it comes as surprise to your au pair. You think that your au pair should appreciate all those weeks in January when she worked only 2/3rds time and got in so much skiing. But now she thinks that you’re asking for too much.

Then, what do you do?

Here’s a specific case, sent in by “I’m being taken advantage of”:

I am a first time host mom in MN. My au pair (from Thailand) arrived July of last year and is scheduled to leave in early July. Our son just turned one last week. She loves the baby and he loves her.

At first things were great. When she came, I bought new bed linen, put flowers in her room, made a welcome sign, etc. At the time, I worked 2 days at home, so I took the time to drive her to the bank and set up an account, to the social security office, grocery shopping etc. She was also very nice to us. I felt I had made the right decision.

Then she developed a boyfriend in NYC. Yes, how don’t ask me. The story is weird. She has started to fly off to NYC for weekend visits. Recently, I was unable to her a ride to the airport because or my own work demands, and she got annoyed at having to arrange other transportation. Then, she decided to blow off her 10:30 Sunday night ‘curfew’ and instead flew home early Monday morning, without discussing this in advance. That pissed of my husband and he told her that in the future she needed to let us know. We wouldn’t have been able to say anything this time, since her ticket had already been purchased. We just needed to know when to expect her back. However, we asked that in the future she talk to use before her boyfriend bought the ticket.

Anyway, she got upset and went to the local childcare coordinator. We had to have an intervention. Things calmed down and she began to make more of an effort.

Now, onto a different set of specifics. My parents have been here since January and I during this time I have asked her to work fewer than 45 hours a week.

So, since January, all these ‘unworked’ hours have built up. This month, I am beginning to return to work full time. In preparation for this, and since my parents are here, I cut down her hours even more. knowing that she would work over 45 hours for two months before she finished the year.

She is in London visiting the boy friend’s parents, so I sent her an email telling her she’d need to work a couple of hours on two Sat. in May (cutting into her ‘boyfriend’ time). She always wants advance notice of her schedule. Now, though, she that she flipped out and is basically saying I should get a babysitter.

But the last few months, she has worked much less than 45 hours and we have paid her fully, as required. I am really upset right now. I feel like I am being used. I am really tempted to tell her that I am terminating the contract and getting a baby sitter. What do you advise?

Dear Host Mom –

The expectations between you and your au pair are clearly out of balance now.

However, before you can address the issue with your au pair, you have to look again at your own expectations to make sure they are reasonable. Not to come off as harsh here, but from where I sit, some of your expectations are reasonable, and some are not.

First, the ‘not reasonable’ expectations:

You can’t carry over hours from one week to the next.

It’s not reasonable (or legal) to expect that you can “hold over” hours that you have not asked your au pair to work. The hours unused from one week can not be carried over to be added to an already full future work week. With regard to work hours, you use ‘em or you lose ‘em. No carry over.

Any time you anticipate needing more than 45 hours of childcare in a given week, you should be prepared to pay overtime for it, and you should have a backup babysitter, because your au pair is well within her legal rights and also within the initial psychological contract if she prefers not to work these hours — for any reason she has.

That said, some parents make explicit agreement with au pairs from week to week, offering an exra day off now for an extra two hours or a 10 day stretch in the future. But you should expect to pay her for these overtime hours, because they are more than the legal (and reasonable) 45 hours. Not only should the trade-off or exchange be absolutely clear, it should also be agreed to on both sides without pressure and with an explicit conversation.

You can’t assume that your au pair is experiencing these shorter work weeks as a ‘gift’ or that she thinks of the hours as something she’ll owe you back in the future.

Even if you could carry over hours, who’d be keeping track over the course of months? And, what matters more is not the accounting, but the experience. Those weeks are over and done, in her mind.

Now, for the reasonable expectations:

It is reasonable to expect that your au pair might appreciate the reduced work week and extra off duty time, in general.

After all, she has gotten lot of extra free time without losing pay. But remember, this is part of the deal for you as a host mom– the pay is the same no matter how many of the 45 hours per week that she is or is not on duty. She shouldn’t be grateful about being paid in full — this is your obligation, and one that you have kept. But, she should appreciate the free time.

It is reasonable to expect her not to complain about now working a 45 hour week.

With regard to months of less than full on-duty weeks now being followed by two months of more than full time expectations — it makes sense to think that, on your end, your au pair should be grateful enough about the extra time off that she would be willing to ramp up to full time herself without complaint. And, if you had explicitly discussed the change in advance, you might have been able to get her to agree to a few 45-plus weeks. (With overtime pay, of course.) You might still be able to arrange this with her.

On her side, she may resent having to work on weekends now, and having to work a full 45 hour week, but those are the official terms and she should figure out how to deal with it

It is reasonable to expect hope that your au pair might carry over some sense of goodwill towards you and your needs (especially since you have helped her out in other ways).

It is reasonable for you to ask your au pair to work some Saturdays, if this is what you need. But this is exactly where the shift in the psychological contract is most obvious and most problematic.

Although your au pair might have gotten accustomed to having her weekends free, this was not an explicit part of the arrangement that the two of you agreed to. At the same time, she’s now so accustomed to it that, for all emotional intents and purposes, this is now what she’s expecting. In contrast, on your side you see Saturdays as something expected, that she should do without complaint. And, maybe she should appreciate that you’ve rarely asked this of her, even though you could have.

So now what?

– Understand that her sense of what’s fair is based on her experience of these last several months (e.g., weekends off, short work weeks) and that the actual contract no longer holds real weight with her.

– Recognize that part of your expectations are unreasonable, and dial them back. You only have ground to stand on when you stay within the legal boundaries of your contract. None of your expectations for what she should do that are outside the contract are things that you can reasonably ask for, no matter how much sense they make to you.

You can insist on what’s reasonable — e.g., that she work on a weekend, that she work a full 45 hours. You can ask for something more (e.g., an extra 3 hours per week with overtime pay).

– Put your needs for childcare first, over her desire for a convenient social schedule. You can mess around with ways to get back at her for not being grateful, and/or you can come up with a plan that works better for you than for her. For example, if you need 50 plus hours of childcare per week, you can hire a sitter for Monday mornings, and then schedule your au pair for Saturday nights (when, in my town, it’s both more expensive and harder to find a babysitter).

– Be prepared to have a frank conversation with her — face to face and NEVER by email (especially not when she is with her boyfriend, who will in all likelihood fan the flames of her indignation and self-righteousness). Be prepared to ask for what is legal, and what you need. Be prepared to tell her that you think she should be grateful, be prepared for her not to be.

– Give your counselor a ‘heads up’ since you might need her.

– Prepare for either a lot of awkwardness or a nasty ending.

– Get ready to rematch, psychologically and with backup plans, just in case.

– Think ahead to your next au pair or other childcare contract. Have a scheduling plan that covers the whole 12 months and how they might vary (e.g., vacations, family visits, intense work times, quiet times when your spouse might work less/do more childcare) and then discuss this up front with your next au pair.

Something to think about:

We all keep careful track of what we give. Each concession, each Saturday night, each ride to the airport. But as far as remembering what we get? Forget it. That concession, that Saturday off, that ride to the airport– we come to expect those.

And that difference in our ability to track what we get compared to tracking what we give… ? When you put two people into a contract, where each remembers what she’s given and not so much what she’s gotten, that’s how the imbalance starts.

Answers?

Are you being taken for granted? Almost assuredly.

Is she taking advantage of you? Unconsciously, yes; consciously, who knows.

Should you rematch behind her back? No, unless you absolutely distrust her.

Should you expect her to fly to NYC and not come back? Don’t be surprised.

Can this relationship be saved?

Readers, what do you think?

Image: July 19: Balancing act (58/61)from theDQT on Flickr

This just in from a Host Mom in London. I think she’s asking for two kinds of advice: how to manage the vacation childcare, and how to manage her feelings of being, um, irked:

Hi, we have a 19 yr old au pair from Sweden who has been with us for 5 months after committing to stay for 12 months.

She has suddenly decided that au pairing is not for her.

This came 2 weeks after buying our tickets to our summer home in America (we live in London) She was fully aware of this trip and that we had purchased our tickets. Her ticket is unchangeable and unrefundable. Even though I purchased the ticket, it belongs to her.

She is leaving next Tuesday. She has offered to come back and go on that holday with us, we’re just so frustrated with her that we don’t want to ruin our own holiday with her coming for the free ride.

She is our fourth au pair in 4 years and we have never had something like this happen.

I need advice and quick! I have no back up help and don’t want to bring in another girl until the fall.

I don’t have a resolution to this trip, and her ticket has cost us £750 ugh. Ideas? Thanks— Left Adrift in London

I’m myself irked at the ‘generosity’ of the au pair— breaking her contract but being available for a free trip to the US. Right.

Heart adrift from soonerpa