Comments on: Share the Cream: Give your AP meaningful work to do http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/ Helping Host Parents and Au Pairs build great relationships. Tue, 22 May 2012 09:09:49 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: PacificNW_mom http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-4449 PacificNW_mom Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:55:39 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/#comment-4449 Hi Margaret, Our au pair also does before and after school care and some evening babysitting. We always warn au pairs before they come that they will have a lot of free time during the day and it will be boring at first. By the end of their year, though, they have found enough to fill the days and are quite busy! Plus, one of the biggest reasons we have an au pair is for the summertime - that is when they have full days. Have you already registered for classes? That can keep you busy during the day. Also, our au pairs tend to join a gym and workout during the day. There also may be ways that you can volunteer at the school - teachers always welcome the extra help and your host kids would probably love to see you at school. My advice is just to be ok with things being slow to start, don't watch too much daytime TV and make some suggestions to your host mom on some ways you can help (groceries are great!). Hi Margaret,
Our au pair also does before and after school care and some evening babysitting. We always warn au pairs before they come that they will have a lot of free time during the day and it will be boring at first. By the end of their year, though, they have found enough to fill the days and are quite busy! Plus, one of the biggest reasons we have an au pair is for the summertime – that is when they have full days.
Have you already registered for classes? That can keep you busy during the day. Also, our au pairs tend to join a gym and workout during the day. There also may be ways that you can volunteer at the school – teachers always welcome the extra help and your host kids would probably love to see you at school.
My advice is just to be ok with things being slow to start, don’t watch too much daytime TV and make some suggestions to your host mom on some ways you can help (groceries are great!).

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]]> By: Margaret http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-4447 Margaret Mon, 16 Nov 2009 15:08:00 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/#comment-4447 Thanks. I've asked to do more of the grocery shopping; its something I like doing anyway and it helps since I make dinner usually anyway (I like to cook.) My HM says she still wants the grandparents over when the kids are sick bc of the language barrier, which I can understand even if it annoys me a bit. I think half the problem for me is that before I came here I worked full time and was a full time university student, and now I have all this free time on my hands while the kids are in school and all and I have no idea what to do with it. Plus, playing video games and doing arts and crafts and running around with kids hardly feels like work. My AP friends say I was being ridiculous, so maybe last week was just an 'off' week for me. Thanks. I’ve asked to do more of the grocery shopping; its something I like doing anyway and it helps since I make dinner usually anyway (I like to cook.) My HM says she still wants the grandparents over when the kids are sick bc of the language barrier, which I can understand even if it annoys me a bit. I think half the problem for me is that before I came here I worked full time and was a full time university student, and now I have all this free time on my hands while the kids are in school and all and I have no idea what to do with it. Plus, playing video games and doing arts and crafts and running around with kids hardly feels like work. My AP friends say I was being ridiculous, so maybe last week was just an ‘off’ week for me.

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]]> By: PA aupair mom http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-4357 PA aupair mom Tue, 10 Nov 2009 14:10:15 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/#comment-4357 I know a lot of au pairs that would LOVE to have your situation. Most of the complaints I hear are about working too much. That said, if you are truly uncomfortable, could you talk to your HP about additional responsibilities? Our au pair only works before and after school because my boys are in school all day. She has all day free. Because of that, she asked if she could take over the grocery shopping. She and I review a list that she makes each Sunday. I add things that I may need or want during the week and she does the shopping on Mondays. She seems to enjoy it and I enjoy having her do it. Kidwise, she asks if she can take the kids on special excursions after school...to the park, playing mini golf, to the library. The kids love the activities and she loves doing them. She takes lots of pictures and sends them to me so that I can see how much fun they are having. I am sure that your family doesn't think you are useless but I would recommend discussing it openly with your host parents. I know a lot of au pairs that would LOVE to have your situation. Most of the complaints I hear are about working too much.

That said, if you are truly uncomfortable, could you talk to your HP about additional responsibilities? Our au pair only works before and after school because my boys are in school all day. She has all day free. Because of that, she asked if she could take over the grocery shopping. She and I review a list that she makes each Sunday. I add things that I may need or want during the week and she does the shopping on Mondays. She seems to enjoy it and I enjoy having her do it.

Kidwise, she asks if she can take the kids on special excursions after school…to the park, playing mini golf, to the library. The kids love the activities and she loves doing them. She takes lots of pictures and sends them to me so that I can see how much fun they are having.

I am sure that your family doesn’t think you are useless but I would recommend discussing it openly with your host parents.

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]]> By: Margaret http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-4355 Margaret Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:21:06 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/#comment-4355 Also, I can't really be there for the 'teachable moments' because my grasp of the kids language is still rather shaky, and they often do not (or act as though they do not) understand me. Also, I can’t really be there for the ‘teachable moments’ because my grasp of the kids language is still rather shaky, and they often do not (or act as though they do not) understand me.

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]]> By: Margaret http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-4354 Margaret Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:17:32 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/#comment-4354 I have a similar issue to the AP in the original question, though it's not really an issue of sharing the cream. I am included in the fun stuff. But I feel like I am... not useless but not really needed. I take one of the two kids to school and back, and pack their lunches (I asked to pack their lunches because I felt useless in the mornings.) My chores are to vacuum and empty the dishwasher, and to dust once a week. I take care of one of the two kids until HM comes home from work with the younger one, and then (most nights) I cook dinner. When the kids are sick they call the grandparents to come over or stay home from work. When HM has to go away for a business trip for the weekend, her mom came to stay with us. Both sets of grandparents are retired and live within a 40 minute radius, maximum. The older kid is in my care for maybe an hour before her mom gets home with her sister. HD is usually home an hour later. Why am I here? They could get the same amount of care with a housekeeper or an after school babysitter at a fraction of the cost. I want to bring up my concerns with my HF because I don't know how to handle feeling and/or being so utterly useless, but I don't know how to bring it up without seeming like I don't want to be with them. I absolutely do not want to rematch. I care for my HF and can't imagine living with another. If they do decide that they don't actually need an AP (I'm their first, 3 months in) I'd probably travel a bit then go home and finish university. How do I bring up my concerns about feeling/being unneeded without seeming like I want to leave them? I have a similar issue to the AP in the original question, though it’s not really an issue of sharing the cream. I am included in the fun stuff. But I feel like I am… not useless but not really needed. I take one of the two kids to school and back, and pack their lunches (I asked to pack their lunches because I felt useless in the mornings.) My chores are to vacuum and empty the dishwasher, and to dust once a week. I take care of one of the two kids until HM comes home from work with the younger one, and then (most nights) I cook dinner.

When the kids are sick they call the grandparents to come over or stay home from work. When HM has to go away for a business trip for the weekend, her mom came to stay with us. Both sets of grandparents are retired and live within a 40 minute radius, maximum. The older kid is in my care for maybe an hour before her mom gets home with her sister. HD is usually home an hour later. Why am I here? They could get the same amount of care with a housekeeper or an after school babysitter at a fraction of the cost.

I want to bring up my concerns with my HF because I don’t know how to handle feeling and/or being so utterly useless, but I don’t know how to bring it up without seeming like I don’t want to be with them. I absolutely do not want to rematch. I care for my HF and can’t imagine living with another. If they do decide that they don’t actually need an AP (I’m their first, 3 months in) I’d probably travel a bit then go home and finish university. How do I bring up my concerns about feeling/being unneeded without seeming like I want to leave them?

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]]> By: TX Mom http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-3842 TX Mom Thu, 01 Oct 2009 21:41:30 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/#comment-3842 We have incentives (especially in the summer) that the kids need to earn and I like to let our AP take them for those treats. They have gone to water parks, movies, ice cream trips, zoo, bowling, etc. It is usually a good tool for the AP to motivate the children and a good bonding experience for the kids and AP. If the reward is for one child, I watch the other one. We have incentives (especially in the summer) that the kids need to earn and I like to let our AP take them for those treats. They have gone to water parks, movies, ice cream trips, zoo, bowling, etc. It is usually a good tool for the AP to motivate the children and a good bonding experience for the kids and AP. If the reward is for one child, I watch the other one.

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]]> By: Anonymous http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-3817 Anonymous Tue, 29 Sep 2009 21:12:40 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/#comment-3817 I believe that children also appreciate the people who are there for them at what Maria Montessori called the teachable moment. I think they also appreciate t he people who are there conistently every day. This is imtimacy as opposed to romance.\ In the fifties, it was the dads who came home on weekends and provided all the treats. Now, things are more equitable but life cannot be firecrackers and music all the time. Fun things are very important but so are those still , quiet times. Kids really appreciate being picked up from school,given a snack , just having a mature , kind presence in their lives. What you are doing is very important and it sounds to me like it really is appreciated. I believe that children also appreciate the people who are there for them at what Maria Montessori called the teachable moment. I think they also appreciate t he people who are there conistently every day. This is imtimacy as opposed to romance.\
In the fifties, it was the dads who came home on weekends and provided all the treats. Now, things are more equitable but life cannot be firecrackers and music all the time.
Fun things are very important but so are those still , quiet times. Kids really appreciate being picked up from school,given a snack , just having a mature , kind presence in their lives. What you are doing is very important and it sounds to me like it really is appreciated.

]]> By: PA aupair mom http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-3816 PA aupair mom Tue, 29 Sep 2009 20:28:08 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/#comment-3816 I felt bad for our new au pair when she first arrived. I was in between jobs and I seemed to always be at home. I could sense that she was feeling not that useful, even though she definitely was. I suggested that she start taking the boys to the park in the afternoon after school. It gave me time to stay home and cook dinner or do laundry without interruptions and her some fun alone time with the boys. Now that I'm back to work, they still love going to the park with the au pair a few times per week before I get home from work. They take pictures of each other and share them with me when I get home. I also give them money to stop for a slushie on the way home. I felt bad for our new au pair when she first arrived. I was in between jobs and I seemed to always be at home. I could sense that she was feeling not that useful, even though she definitely was.

I suggested that she start taking the boys to the park in the afternoon after school. It gave me time to stay home and cook dinner or do laundry without interruptions and her some fun alone time with the boys.

Now that I’m back to work, they still love going to the park with the au pair a few times per week before I get home from work. They take pictures of each other and share them with me when I get home. I also give them money to stop for a slushie on the way home.

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]]> By: My 2 cents http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-3812 My 2 cents Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:00:27 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/#comment-3812 I LOVED and adored my babysitters who watched me in the afternoons and early evenings 5 days a week when I was growing up and this age. The reason? They were infinetly more in tune with stuff at my age and I got to do all the fun stuff with her that my own parents did not or chose not to do with me ! Stuff like painting nails, doing hair, reading teen gossip magazines, watching afternoon TV, listening to popular music . . . just all the stuff that if you had a big sister you may get to do, but not the stuff parents (or at least mine and rest in my neighborhood) do with their preteen daughters without it becoming very awkward. I can tell you I never wanted to watch any of the John Hughes films with my own parents no matter how much I wanted to see them!! So my recommendation would be to explore ways you can become more of a big sister figure to her, as opposed to a babysitter or tutor, whose goals are not necessarily to have fun or develop a strong personal connection. Try to get her to open up about what her interests are. Maybe take note of what she is listening to, watching, and what her friends are doing. Just keep trying to find an avenue to connect with her. Obviously, you need to talk with you host parents to see if they are on the same page with you, and to make clear you understand that it all falls in line behind her getting her priority stuff finished first (homework). But I'm going to guess that her parents recognize she is on the reclusive side and may welcome your younger, positive, perspective and skill set to perhaps encourage her to be less reclusive and to, in their words, "keep her happy." Maybe that's why they hired you as opposed to say an older nanny or had a neighbor watch her? I LOVED and adored my babysitters who watched me in the afternoons and early evenings 5 days a week when I was growing up and this age. The reason? They were infinetly more in tune with stuff at my age and I got to do all the fun stuff with her that my own parents did not or chose not to do with me ! Stuff like painting nails, doing hair, reading teen gossip magazines, watching afternoon TV, listening to popular music . . . just all the stuff that if you had a big sister you may get to do, but not the stuff parents (or at least mine and rest in my neighborhood) do with their preteen daughters without it becoming very awkward. I can tell you I never wanted to watch any of the John Hughes films with my own parents no matter how much I wanted to see them!!

So my recommendation would be to explore ways you can become more of a big sister figure to her, as opposed to a babysitter or tutor, whose goals are not necessarily to have fun or develop a strong personal connection. Try to get her to open up about what her interests are. Maybe take note of what she is listening to, watching, and what her friends are doing. Just keep trying to find an avenue to connect with her.

Obviously, you need to talk with you host parents to see if they are on the same page with you, and to make clear you understand that it all falls in line behind her getting her priority stuff finished first (homework). But I’m going to guess that her parents recognize she is on the reclusive side and may welcome your younger, positive, perspective and skill set to perhaps encourage her to be less reclusive and to, in their words, “keep her happy.” Maybe that’s why they hired you as opposed to say an older nanny or had a neighbor watch her?

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]]> By: Happy Host Mom http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-3811 Happy Host Mom Tue, 29 Sep 2009 14:33:18 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/share-the-cream-give-your-ap-meaningful-work-to-do/2009/09/28/celiaharquail/#comment-3811 Chithra, This little girl sounds like she REALLY needs you and is lucky to have you. An ipod and wii cannot give her human interaction and affection. I would encourage you to hang in there because as someone who wants to be her friend, she needs you. Ultimately, though you have to consider your own personal satisfaction, and it will be up to you if you will achieve that in this situation. It may be a situation where the little girl doesn't realize the positive impact you made on her life until she is much older. Chithra,
This little girl sounds like she REALLY needs you and is lucky to have you. An ipod and wii cannot give her human interaction and affection. I would encourage you to hang in there because as someone who wants to be her friend, she needs you. Ultimately, though you have to consider your own personal satisfaction, and it will be up to you if you will achieve that in this situation. It may be a situation where the little girl doesn’t realize the positive impact you made on her life until she is much older.

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