My advice to my APs has always been, “Don’t do it for a man, do it for yourself.” Meaning, that if the reason for staying is love, it isn’t enough. They need to do soul searching and determine if they could really make a life for themselves here. Most have gone home and made lives for themselves on their own terms. Perhaps their year here liberated them to think for themselves and decide what’s important to “me,” instead of “my parents,” “my boyfriend,” “my family.”

Follow-Up:

As I researched the issues at play here, I had kept our au pair in the loop, emailing her links to sites that showed the paperwork, the affidavits, estimated total costs, and the dreaded rules about “work”. It was not my intention, but it seems that reading about the hurdles prompted her to realize that staying here would really be a Big Deal, and to do some soul searching (I think one of the commenters hinted that this might–or should–happen).

I just got an email from her (her preferred communication style, from a life of texting, I suppose). Weekend conversations with friends helped her figure out what it is that she does not want to return TO, and how she might return to her home country but build a life that is different from the one she left behind when she joined us.

In the next few days I will sit down with her and have a mentorly/motherly chat with her about what she wants to do next, and how I can support her in the time remaining to take advantage of opportunities here.

Part of what I love about hosting au pairs is that it’s kind of like going to a wedding: while enjoying the ceremonies and traditions, you remember your own wedding, and those of other loved ones. This issue reminds me so acutely what it was like to be 20-something, and trying to figure out “what you want to be when you grow up”!

I remember how small the doorknobs seemed at my mom’s house after living in the college dorm for a semester. One really can’t “go home” again, because our travels change us. And that’s just as it should be.

You laid it out in a very loving and positive manner here (the paragraph after “sitting shiva”), and I think that you should do the same when speaking with her. Then tell her what you worry about with regards to the news.

Maybe she would feel better about departing if she has input in the next AP? In discussions with our AP (who came to us the same way and is also extending), she worries about who will care for the girls when she is gone. So, we agreed she would be able to help us choose the next AP for the girls. She knows the end will happen at some point (for us, it’s just under a year from now), but having some say in what follows will give a sense of security knowing the family she loves is taken care of by someone she knows or had a say in, rather than just feeling like everything is out of her control or impact.

Even if she does not have the final say (that is yours and HD’s), having some input might help soften the blow. But only if this is something she wants to be included in.

However, because she was basically trapped without a valid Visa while she waited for her application to be processed, we also sponsored her as a student. We didn’t have to prove that we had money in the bank (because we didn’t). Matt went with the AP to meet with the school official doing the intake, and he gave his official statement, “She can’t work for you,” while he basically winked. Students MAY work off campus IF they can prove financial hardship. The AP continued to work for us, full-time for another year, and then 3/4 time for 1 1/2 more years. When she was ready to move on with the rest of her life, we went back to the AP program.

If it means that the president won’t appoint me for a cabinet-level position, so be it. The AP got what she wanted – the ability to stay in the US, earn her Extraordinnaire salary, and have 100% of her college tuition paid for (it really hurt us the first year, but afterwards it was cheaper than being in the AP program). We got what we wanted – a former PICU nurse caring for our medically fragile child with special needs (who survived 2 major crises, including a 5-week hospitalization, with the critical skills our former AP brought to the table) and stable care for our typical child. We were able to go ahead and sponsor her as an employer because of her critical skills. She now works as a nurse in the US.

Would I do it again? Absolutely not. Was it the right move for then? Without a doubt.

Deb