R.T.F.M. Making sure your Au Pair Reads the Family Manual

We send a copy of our handbook when we are interviewing candidates. Once they have had a chance to read it, we ask them for feedback. If they are agreeable to it, either as is, or with minor changes, then we can proceed to matching.

Then I go ov er it again, via email…the most important parts.

When she arrives there is a fresh copy on her desk along with some office supplies, goodies, etc. I ask her to spend some time on the first weekend reading it again. then we have a family meeting a review it.

We go around to all the appliances in the house and she can take notes while I show her how to work each of them.

This has worked pretty well for us on two occasions.

What worked for me was relaying small bits of information at a time in a context-sensitive way, i.e. if she’s going out on a work night, let her know while you’re discussing her plans that her work night curfew is XYZ. Also I showed her how to do things, and her capacity for picking things up based on watching someone do them is great.

For difficult/important stuff you could take digital photos as you go, and then put them all together into a “user manual” for that task. I did that for a complicated recipe.

I greatly enjoyed writing our handbook, particularly because when you read it, it actually sounds like we are an extremely organized and efficient family that doesn’t yell at kids, that puts the things to go upstairs in a basket specifically for this purpose and that knows exactly how many miles we travel on an average week driving kids to activities.

In reality, don’t we all to some extent write our handbooks to reflect how we would LIKE things to work in our households? I don’t mean so much the stuff like how to work the toaster, but more like “healthy snacks only” or “always put away the markers when you’ve used them”.

It could possibly be that some au pairs realize this, and begin to bend the rules themselves when they can see that we are.

I’m my HFs first AP and sometimes I wish that they had given me a handbook. My HM stayed home full time before I came (the youngest just started daycare) and neither of us really knew where to begin. I had to ask for a schedule, a list of daily chores/to-dos, what the families rules were regarding certain child-care issues, I actually even had to ask what the emergency phone number was here and for a list of contacts to call in the event of an emergency. Thank goodness I’m the take-charge person I am, because idk what they would have done with a younger/less mature AP without the childcare experience I have (maybe this is why they chose me?) It would have been fantastic to have been handed a book in advance with all of this information available to read.

Now, I can’t read something and retain the information presented in it. I have to take notes or summarize. I’m assuming most APs learn English as a second language, and that the handbook is not in their first language. Maybe it would help to print up a version with lines underneath each rule/section/paragraph and ask the new AP to summarize and translate what was written into her/his first language? And to have this done in your presence or over skype before arrival so that if the AP has any questions s/he can ask. That should get over most learning difference barriers.

I’ve always felt a little guilty presenting the “rule book.” To ease the blow, I insist that our “Au Pair Guidelines” manual is really for me, the Host Mom, to remind me of all I need to share with and explain to the Au Pair! We keep the manual in our kitchen/breakfast area so that it is readily available to the Au Pair while she is on duty. I even find myself grabbing for it from time to time, for example, to quickly find the phone number to report “lights out” to the power company. The manual was a huge lifesaver when we found ourselves with a temporary Au Pair who stayed only 2 weeks. I couldn’t (and didn’t want to) invest a great deal of time training her, knowing she’d be leaving so soon. I also like having a list of the closest hospitals, with directions (in the manual of course), right next to the door, if it is ever needed.

[Editor's note: Sorry Host Parent Readers.... I didn't catch this comment in time to ask for it to be revised to fit more with the constructive tone that I (and maybe you) prefer. This comment ended up triggering a long and not entirely productive co-thread on this conversation. Rather than removing this comment (since several later comments refer to it) let me just say that much of this comment and the ensuing conversation is not supported/encouraged by 'the editor'. Sorry I didn't head this off sooner. cvh]

Well, before blaming APs for not reading the manual, let’s realize that not every AP is able to understand written English. If the manual has +20 pages and it’s in language she is just learning, how is she suppose to enjoy and understand a book like that?
I got a manual, too. It had over 20 pages, too. I’ve read it, yes, but I forgot the rules and forgot the schedule the very day. People can’t remember something they have not experienced yet, or at least it’s hard. The best way to remember something is by practice and experience. Instead of writing this FM (explanation in the title), go through the day WITH the AP, show her how is she suppose to do certain things and let her learn by DOING that instead of just reading.
When you read a complicated printer manual, do you know everything about that printer after you finish reading? No. You learn by experience.
Another thing: when we get a manual, it’s FULL with rules starting with: Do not, Do, Make. And it’s full of not necessary stuff, like: washer and dryer instructions, dishwasher rules, etc. Do you think that we enjoy reading about how to use equipment at your homes? Is that really interesting? Would you enjoy it? Do you think we really care about your washer, or how to sort the laundry? We want to know the schedule hour by hour, important phone numbers, what games the children like and what food are we allowed to give to the kids. Some guidance, but not RULES, RULES, RULES.
I had: Do not wear tanktops. Do not listen to a loud music. Do not eat what it’s labeled “Do not eat”.
Rules like that really push away and make us think we are suppose to be robots, maids, workers, employees, but not people and “a part of a family”.
When a AP gets a manual like that (especially with pictures), she thinks: OMG, my family is OCD – total freaks!
I’m serious. Just calm down, people. Make her feel welcome and wanted, don’t start the first day by handing her the “House Instructions”. Don’t make her think she is that stupid she can’t even sort the clothes before washing, of loading the dishwasher. By doing that you say “You are from a poor country, probably you’ve never used a microwave, neither a vacuum, I want to teach you, you poor thing”.
My HF asked me if I know how to ride a bike (because maybe I’ve never seen one in my life…). He should’ve handed me the BIKE MANUAL…
APs have so many stories about silly manuals, about questions you ask (do you have TVs in your country? do you have malls? can you read or write? can you use computer or printer? do you know how to ride a bike?) it’s ridiculous. Please don’t teach us how to do the laundry, or use the hairdryer. We know. You can remind, or show us how to do things and always say “I’m sure you knew that”. It makes a huge difference.

TO THIS FRIEND OF AP
You have mentioned that you are active on a number of forums. Please share with us information on some of those forums so that we , the host mothers, can read more about how aupairs feel and what their emotional needs are. After all, this website is very open to aupairs. We welcome your input. So, please tell us how we can read those websites and learn from others.

Well, APs have their national forums. There is German, French, Thai, etc. forum. We write in our native language so our HF can’t read it – sad, but true. And we miss our languages – it makes us feel safe.
I am active on one au pair forum for girls from my country. I’ve been there for 6 years (I won’t give the link, since you don’t know the language). They have personal and funny stories, problems, questions. It’s quite big.
Another forum I like to check is the forum for immigation in my native language – I learn a lot about different types of visas. APs have their threads, too. Mostly about J1 visa, changing their visa to tourist or student, or what would happen if they stay illegal (very common).
Next interesting site is a greataupair.com website, which we all know, I’m sure. There is a part about complaints on APs, nannies and families.
http://www.greataupair.com/public-forum.cfm/type/3

All of the stories are on the national forums. Girls have their blogs, too. I haven’t found a forum in English yet. If I do, I’ll let you know. I think it’s important for all of us to know what bothers HFs and APs.
When I found this website, it helped me to see things different. It made me realize that not always HFs are bad. Sometimes APs don’t do much and all they care about is: a car, cell, parties and sex.

I didn’t want to be mean when I was writing about the manual. But this is what we think. I know the manual helps a lot (helps you mostly), but for us it’s just weird. Americans like everything to be organized, no chaos, you write notes every day, you PLAN everything. I understand – you want to be helpful and this is appreciated. But for us everything is so new, different. We need some time to unpack, then to cry for the whole evening, then to call our friends and family and sob “I want to go hoooome!”. The language is hard, kids are annoying, food is different and if it wasn’t enough you hand us the Manual. And we sit there crying, trying to understand anything what is written in it and being dissapointed.
It’s like saying: We want you to be like it’s written in the manual, no more, no less. Do everything accordingly and WE will be happy. And when WE are happy, our KIDS are happy, and then YOU should be happy, too.

I might be generalizing right now. But this is mostly how I felt and how the girls from the main forum say about their first evening, first night. I think it would be easier if the manual was only 2 pages long, just important information written very easy, even one word (not the whole proper sentence). If the manual looks easy, clear and friendly, we would think your family is like that, too.

The same thing about the HF Essay. Dont’t write who is your mother, grandmother and what they do, where they live. Keep it short, funny. The most important thing you should write about are your kids, this is what we care about and we want as much information as we can get.

I’m sorry, I wrote so much again… It’s because I know so many AP’s stories and I wish you could read them, too. It would help solve so many problems, I’m sure.

The girls from my forum know this website and read it regularly. I’m sure that if they find an interesting topic, they will share their thoughts here. As of now I’m the only one brave enough to go into the lion’s den.

This friend of AP: I’m not sure if you are really qualified to speak for all au pairs as a kind of collective “we”, anymore than I would be qualified to speak for all host families.

But I do know two things:

1. When I was an au pair, many years ago, if someone had given me a manual, I would have said HALLELUJAH! In those days, in that country, no one did household handbooks or manuals; instead, we au pairs were left to fend for ourselves, try to work out what to do to make our host families happy (because we DID want to make them happy!) and constantly fear being told off when we did it wrong.

2. I cannot think of a single job I have ever had in my life that did not come with some kind of written manual or instruction. If someone comes to me to work as an au pair – and yes, in my family at least, being an au pair IS a job – she will need to accept the handbook as part of that job. If the fact that a handbook exists makes her “disappointed”, then the whole year she spends with us will very likely make her disappointed, too.

I also like do not like the idea of one aupair speaking on behalf of all aupairs just it is silly to think of one host mother as representative of all host families. I appreciate all of the aupairs who contribute to this website and do not think that there are so many out there who are cared to enter a lion’s den. After all, no one has to give her real name and no one knows where she lives unless she offers that information.

I am a middle school teacher and every year each student, parent and teacher receives a handbook. Each subgroup has a different handbook. Each book is about 20-50 pages. The handbook introduces the reader to the culture of the school. The handbooks include schedules, lunch menus, rules about snacks, library rules, forms to be filled out, email addresses and important phone numbers. rules about use of the computers, emergency plans , rules for enforcing discipline , rules about attendance at faculty meetings,
instructions on how to use the technology, instructions on when to involve the administration in a situation, how not to offend the PTA parents, where to park our cars , where students can park their cars. where parents can park their cars , how not to play loud music in the schoolyard at lunchtime and possibly offending the neighbors. Parents do not have dress codes but students and teachers do have dress codes: no bare midriffs, no tank tops , no obscene sayings on tees, etc. Certain types of shoes are forbidden: no flip flops. No use of cell phones during school hours. Certain places students and teachers may not go, including the bathroom during class time. Certain types of food are forbidden : squeezy stuff that gets all over. Students must maintain certain standards of cleanliness in the lunchroom and teachers must maintain certain standards of cleanliness in the teachers’ lounge and lunchroom

This is a small, exclusive private school rather than a huge operation so it is relevant to the issue of family life. Students often grumble about certain rules but the bottom line is that this is the way it is here and some things will not change. Teachers often grumble and sometimes ignore the some rules. Some people never clean the stove in the teacher’s lounge after using it.

Frankly, the manual is a great tool. No one can argue ignorance.
The administration is not cruel and neither are the teachers. If someone makes a mistake, we explain the rule kindly but firmly over and over as many times as necessary.

When I started here , the chairman of my department asked me if I knew how to 1. Use the microwave in the teacher’s lounge
2. Fully use the Smart Board in my classroom 3. Use Google Calendar to advise my students of changes in the curriculum and assigments 4. Use the microwave in the teacher’s lounge. He also asked me if I had read the handbook/manual and asked me to sign a sheet agreeing that I had read the book and had no issue with any of the rules.

I should add that there are notes on all sorts of little jars and containers in the teachers’ frig labeled ” DO NOT EAT ” and
one young man brought in his own tiny frig with a combination lock.

This is just part of life. Sometimes it is annoying , sometimes it is fun, and sometimes that is just the way it is.

Thank you to the APs who appreciate the books — and thank you too, to Friend of AP who raises some important things to think about. I don’t think the handbook should be presented as one big bolus — an elephant you have to eat all at once. I think it’s better seen as a resource manual that you can turn to as new issues come up, just as you would at work. Most employers have some sort of employee manual, even the very small businesses do. They can be big, and chances are no one really cares much about a lot of it until they need it: for example, no one really thinks about the maternity policy at work until they are thinking about getting pregnant — that’s when you go and seek it out. And that’s why it’s in there. Not because your employer assumes you are going to get pregnant, just that it has come up before and they have a policy on dealing with it.

It is what it is, and it helps more than hurts. If you choose to be offended by how you are treated (and I understand this possibility — I know hosts for whom I could never be an au pair, they are so arrogant and disrespectful!) then you are probably with the wrong family, or your own expectations need to be adjusted.

Thank you to Anonymous the middle school teacher. Very apt example of how a handbook can support the smooth operation of a group of individuals who have come together to work in a common, new culture. Isn’t that what a family handbook is all about?

I know families who have such a handbook but no au pair at all, so it must be useful.

And come on, lighten up! It’s a tool — it’s not perfect, it may be idealized, it may feel constricting, but it’s just a way to capture all that information that a host parent either thinks is important or has learned is important. Much better off with it than without it.

And yes, at work we have binders that describe procedures. Those procedures have been built because of problems that appeared in the past, and people thought “Gee, if we agree to approach this in this specific way, then that particular problem won’t happen anymore.” For example, at my office the process for creating one, two-page written document for public consumption is 23 steps long and involves review by people from about 6 departments.

Of COURSE that means new problems may be created in the process, and the likelihood that some of the people from all those departments may think from time to time “Gee, this process is really unbelievably stupid!” but it does work. And the product we end up with is so thoroughly scrubbed that there are no embarrassing/expensive/career-limiting mistakes that inspired the 23-step process in the first place.

This is extreme — but let me tell you, having guidelines written down will protect an au pair from embarrassing/expensive/career-limiting mistakes as well. These handbooks are often the result of previous people’s costly, embarrassing mistakes.

For my kid, there’s nothing worse than being the last one picked up, or the only one without a lunch. Having that issue spelled out in the handbook HELPS the au pair understand how important these tasks are.

I’m sure some hosts are ignorant because they haven’t had a lot of cross-cultural experience. But there really is a lot of variability in the life experiences of au pairs, and some of them do not have hot water for anything but showers, etc. That doesn’t mean I pity her, it means I want to be sure she feels comfortable.

And if I can’t figure out how to load the new dishwasher, I’m thinking putting a label or two on it to help my AP is not offensive; it’s thoughtful.

And if she can’t remember to put the lid down so the dog doesn’t drink out of the toilet and then drip all over the kids’ bathroom floor (which she shares), I’m going to put a sticky note on the bathroom door, and may add that to our handbook for the next AP.

Don’t forget, APs, most of us have very few days of vacation, and we have to use vacation time for training when you first arrive. There is no way to cover everything, and the handbook allows you to look it over as a reference when you need it. I would certainly never quiz anyone!

And I totally agree with the mom who posted above that by sending her handbook for review before her AP arrived, it served as another screening tool. I agree with her idea — my home is all about written instructions, reminders, sticky notes on things, emails during the day between AP, me, host dad, and even our oldest kid now. Being “type averse” is just not going to work well for us at this stage of our family’s growth.

Explaining things over the phone during the day if issues come up is fine for emergencies, but doesn’t really work for us because:
1) I work in a fishbowl, and I don’t want my employees hearing me talking about kid stuff
2) it’s much harder for most APs to understand instructions on the phone than in writing, IMHO

It’s just not possible to put everything an AP really needs to know into two pages. That would boil down to not much more than handling emergencies and the kids’ schedules. Useful for some things, but not a substitute for our policy on what’s going to happen when you keep denting the car, or that I’m happy to pay for your flu shots every year because I think they’re really important, and where you can get them.

There is a lot of good stuff from APs and hosts in this string. I hope it’s more of a reminder to hosts to be aware of how you frame and present the handbook, with some sensitivity, rather than a call to burn the things altogether.

Many great points already here! One I haven’t seen yet, that seems awfully important, is addressing an issue that is guaranteed to arise over the course of the year (e.g., cars, boys, etc.). It seems much better to lay out some guidelines initially, demonstrating that the host family has thought it through beforehand. Otherwise, wouldn’t it come across as, “Well, now that you have begun dating a boy, we will allow this but not this . . . ” OR “Now that you have learned to drive competently and confidently, you can drive here but not there . . .” Without the manual, addressing the issue ahead of time, wouldn’t the Au Pair be left to wonder, “Does the host family not like this boy I am dating? Does the host family not trust my driving?”

We send our handbook over when we get to later stage interviews. I specifically and directly ask the potential AP to read it and, to motivate her to do so, tell her that if there’s anything in there she can’t abide by, to speak up so we can address (or even change) whatever it is. Otherwise, whatever is in there stays I tell her. As additional motivation I tell them there are rules in their about curfews, cars, boys, etc., and other areas that I know must be of interest before they sign on with us. Then in a final interview I will ask questions about items in there and get their agreement on them (Example: so it is not a problem for you that you must be home by midnight on a night where you are working in the morning??). I also leave a copy for her when she arrives on her bed and ask that she look it over while she’s in training over the next few days. This has worked for us so far.

I do appreciate that some learn by doing and that a manual may be very difficult for some to translate. But, you know what? I expect any potential AP of ours to either speak up and ask if they don’t understand or to take the initiative to find a friend (or an agency contact in country) to translate it. After all, what I really don’t need in my life is an AP who won’t tell me if she doesn’t understand, will agree to whatever I want just to get here, or is too lazy or “type B” to read through rules that will apply to her. I want her to know what is expected of her, and what she can expect from us as well. Seems only fair to everyone and before they commit for a year to one another.

Another great tip from a friend of mine who has had many APs: emphasize during interviews that this job will be the hardest she has had ! Cause it will be and she should not be mislead! Of course, you then can highlight all the wonderful benefits to being an AP in your area and country.

One thing that scares the wits out of me is the idea that someone who is not affiliated with any agency is giving my aupair street smart advise. I realize that some LCCs are lazy and others can be very overbearing but if my LCC has a problem with my handbook
she is going to tell me. Or, she can tell the aupair to relax and present an adult point of view. I understand that aupairs need to talk to each other in their own language as down time and I love hearing from aupairs on this website – even the material that is hard to hear. But I do become concerned about the fact that self-appointed people are perhaps sharing information that is not in the best interest of the aupairs to take to heart. I realize that there isn’t too much any of us can do about that except to cultivate a warm relationship with our aupairs so that they come to us with their issues. I want an aupair who is going to come to me , or her counselor if I don’t have an answer. I also try to find an aupair who has involved , competant parents at home who can serve as a resource for her . I would not want my own daughter surfing the internet looking for answers to legal and administrative problems.
I would want her to have a host family who would help her, I would want her to call home , and I would want to know that her agency would help her out. Young people always think they know best and that their friends are the best source of information but sometimes, those sources are not the best. Aupairs have other people in their clusters whom they can share with. If the counselor falls down on the job, they have corporate and if corporate doesn’t come across, they can call the local Congress(wo)men or Senator. If my agency failed me and my aupair, I would pick up the phone and call Hillary Clinton. This is her area, isn’t it ?

To this friend of Au Pair,
I personally don’t care what you think our host family letter should like. That is up to me and my family.
I think you are very spoiled and are a good representation for the Au Pairs we sent home early!!!

Sorry, Friend of AP, but the “sorry, but the truth hurts” tactic isn’t working, not with me at least. I think I’m just a little too old to buy it

The point here is that you are not telling “the truth” – you are telling YOUR truth and passing it off as this dirty little secret we should all know about au pairs. As if we didn’t already know that SOME au pairs don’t like instructions, particularly written ones. Now who’s calling who clueless?

We can argue ’til the cows come home about whether you are speaking for the whole AP community, or just for a select group who like to sit in Starbucks and b*tch about their host family’s OCD. The comments from APs saying they don’t agree with you are quite telling, I think, but the statistics are really not that important.

What is important (to me, at least) is this: I don’t give two hoots whether “most” au pairs think of my handbook as an “essay”, not as “cool as I thought” (ROTFL) and that it’s not catchy enough to hold their MTV conditioned attention.

I know that there are young ladies out there who are mature, responsible, and intelligent enought to appreciate the usefulness of a handbook. If there are things in my particular book that could do with improvement, they will let me know after they have read it, and I will listen to their suggestions.

A girl (or boy) who rolls their eyes at the handbook (or, as you suggest, “throws it away”) sends an important signal to ME, namely that they are not remotely suitable for the job. In other words, I have every motivation to keep the handbook in order to screen them out and avoid disappointment for both of us later.

Those moms that are verbally attacking “Friend” should be embarrassed of themselves. She has a right to her opinion and should not be bashed for it. Have some respect. Also, I don’t think that this site should condone that kind of treatment toward people who post their opinions!
I may not agree with everything “Friend” said, or maybe how she said it, but I’m sure she’s not the only one thinking it. It is important to put yourself in their shoes. Many of us have received manuals at our jobs, but were they in another language??? I can see where it would be overwhelming. Especially when there is so much anxiety! This is the first impression you are making on the AuPair and it may not be the best!
I think that “Friend” deserves an apology and we should thank her for taking the time to add her comments, whether we agree with them or not. I can honestly say that she has caused me to rethink my manual a little (one example, short descriptions rather than long sentences).
Also, I think that giving the manual before they arrive is a great idea (in the match process sounds even better!). Then they have the time to read it in an atmosphere that they are comfortable and when they are not feeling so overwhelmed with this new experience.

I second the above comment.
The world is full of people who vocalize their opinions in an overbearing,
aggressive manner and it is our job as responsible adults not to be intimidated by this sort of behavior wherever and whenever it appears.

I’m so so so gratefull that I have a family who respect me and treat me as an equal person, who listen to everything I have to say even when they don’t agree and take the time to explain to me with elegance whatever they think I’m doing wrong.

I did find usefull the handbook my host parents wrote for me and I do think it’s our job, as an au pairs, to take the time to read it as they took the time to wrote it for us. I also think it has to be, once again, with respect and responsability.

I do not aprove or agree with the things that “friend” said, but I feel really ofended by the treatment some have gave to her. I don’t wanna be rude or disrespectfull because you deserve my respect as everybody else, but I do think some of you went out of line completly. It’s funny that you say we get at starbucks only to complain about you when isn’t it exactly that what you are doing over here?? Once again… something my mom taught me several years ago, respect if you want people to respect you!

If you treat your au pairs the same way you treat this girl- who may be completly wrong, but still has the right to express herself-… I really think you’re focusing the problem the wrong way. Maybe the problem it’s not the handbook……

We know we are your employees… it would be nice though don’t feel like it. One more time, THANKS GOD for my beautiful family.

MyTwoSons: Since I didn’t verbally attack anyone, I am not count myself as part of the group of mothers you think ought to be “ashamed of themselves”.

But I will say this: I have completely been in the au pair’s shoes as I myself have been an au pair.

I am not going to say that if you can’t read a family handbook in English, then maybe you don’t know enough English to come to an English speaking country to take care of English speaking kids for a year. I realize that a) handbooks vary in their complexity and b) families vary in the extent to which they need their au pair to arrive with reasonable English.

However, for MY family it is extremely important that the au pair knows enough English to follow written instructions, and I write them in very simple language. (English by the way is not my first language either, so I think I can relate.) I fully expect the au pair to read the handbook, and THEN let me know what sections she didn’t understand. I do not expect her to be so overwhelmed by its existence that she won’t read it at all.