Long before there was OMG, ROTFLMAO and WTF, there was RTFM.
R ead
T he
F (your favorite F word here. We use “family”)
M anual
We put a lot of work into those family manuals and handbooks, and we expect them to be useful to our Au Pairs. However, before the Au Pairs find these handbooks useful, they actually have to read them.
What can we do to get our Au Pairs to read the handbooks?
Here’s what I’ve tried:
1. Give her the handbook on the first night so that she can start to read it before the first work day. [Or, send the handbook ahead (either before she leaves or at orientation)]
2. Tell her which sections of the handbook we’ll be going over in her next at-home orientation session, so that she can read ahead.
3. Assign her specific on-duty time to read the handbook.
4. Take sections out of the handbook, handing her a pencil, and asking her to tick off each item as I demonstrate it to her or talk to her about it.
5. Have her read the point, guideline, or paragraph aloud, with me, and then discussing whether she understands it.
6. Asking her to identify for me any works she does not understand, concepts she does not understand, or guidelines she does not agree with, so that we can discuss them.
7. Writing funny personal notes in random spots on the manual, to suggest that I was expecting her not only to read the manual but to bring up a topic with me in conversation.
One of the straws that broke me with our ‘flame out’ au pair was my discovery that she had never actually looked through the family handbook in its entirety…despite my having gone through all of these steps at least twice with her. When she finally admitted that much, I really did want to scream ‘Read the F–ing, #@$^%-@%($&!^)% Family Handbook!” at the top of my lungs, but I refrained.
Instead I called our LCC and told her we were ready for a rematch.
What have you tried that seems to work?
Write it in the comments, and we’ll read it. We promise.
![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](http://img.zemanta.com/reblog_e.png?x-id=215efbd6-1ead-4136-a206-d76d534165ab)
{ 75 comments }
← Previous Comments
Nothing to apologize for here either.
The au pair who doesn’t read my handbook simply doesn’t show enough respect for me.
And yes, I did find my handbook with extra pages I gave an au pair crimpled and stuffed into the folder, instead of inserted into it, from which I assume she had the same attitude as “the friend of the au pair”. This was after she went into rematch and I was preparing her room for her successor. See, not respecting me and my home’s rules, and my rules with children, doesn’t add up to a successful experience.
Why am I finding myself explaining things that a would be obvious to a mature person?
All of the aupairs who wrote on this blog ( except for The Friend ) were polite and respectful. As memory serves, she is the only person who has ever done that on this blog except for a comment that was deleted which I did not read. That’s the problem with confrontational speech and behaviour. Often, aupairs are the less powerful party to the relationship but sometimes , the people or group of people who present themselves as victims are neither reasonable or fair minded.
I’m leaving aside the issue of how things were said. I think that, on the internet, people tend to be less careful about what they say and how they say it. So I’m concentrating on the message itself…
I would still be very interested in suggestions for how to make the manual less intimidating and easier to parse, which is, after all, the point of this whole thread.
Come to think of it, the employee manual at my office might as well be written in an another language….
I think a lot of the issues with the manual can also be in the way it’s presented.
I send a copy to my future AP in her home country and ask her to review it. Then I put a “hard copy” in a binder along with menus to favorite take out/pizza places, important phone numbers, pictures the kids made for her, etc.
We give her a few days to get used to the house and our kids and then I spend hours reviewing the manual with the au pair. I add pictures where I think they will be helpful. I invite her to make notes or add comments as she sees fit. I also demo the appliances that she says she doesn’t have or doesn’t use at her home.
I then ask if she has questions and encourage her to talk to me or email me about any questions she has.
I try my best not to “talk down” when using the handbook but I do cover things that I feel are important. I find that it prevents avoidable mistakes.
One suggestion that I have been giving my families and au pairs is that after the au pair has had a few days to read the manual,
they then review it together and discuss any if their are any questions. After they have done that I suggest that they both sign it showing they have reviewed and both agree to what is in the manual.
hi, when I was a aupair the family used to write me a note everyday. We had no hand book per say but this note a day was a great system for everyone. I knew what was expected of me, and the family knew I could not plead ignorance if I failed to do something.
Kristen,
I find that approach works well. I call it “reporting”- at the beginning of each day, I try to spend a couple of minutes going over the day’s highlights, and then at the end of the day when I get home, we try to go over what happened. It gives me a chance to tell the ap when the kids got up, what they ate, how they are behaving, what to watch for, and it gets repeated in the evening. (How’s homework, who ate what for a snack, etc)
Our family manual is really only a 1 page list of “house rules”, and then some pages of directions of how to get places, activities to do(sample schedules, etc), and a “welcome to the area” type of thing.
Many of our house rules came about because something happened in the past. (My kitchen knives were BENT, my mixer was BROKEN). I think that if we explain it to the au-pair in that context, it goes easier. Many of the au-pairs I’ve interviewed over the years want to see a sample schedule, know what the kids eat, and get an idea of their responsibilities up front- and they want it emailed during the interview process so they can think about it. (They do request the info)
1) I contacted a translating service – they are translating my manual into German and it will be done in a week. I think this will make a huge difference and send an important message about sensitivity.
2) I am going to make a couple of extra copies so that if my ap loses it, she doesn’t have to be afraid to ask for another ( it is also in my computer )
3) I am going to keep every section to one page 12 point font double spaced
4) I am going to put it in a nice folder with a cute cover so that it doesn’t look like some big scary document
5) I am going to stick to my practice of going out for coffee with my aupair and reading the book together shortly after she arrives.
I got some of these ideas from the moms on this thread. Thanks.
NEW AP MOM
I learned about an website/forum for aupairs. You said you are fluent in French, right ? Try Aupair Forum Us. One of my previous aupairs swears by it. Have fun. I look forward to hearing your comments on it.
please…honestly……….. I have a great HF and i don’t complain for them, but when i reading this website i start thinking…omg they favorite way to solve the problems is rematch…I’m a little bit afraid about everything what i doing because believe me…i don’t wanna have rematch because i eat too much or i don’t know…i have a boyfriend…HF remember that it is hard be here especially at the beginning…that’s all…
m au pair-
I think you mis-understand. Most of us will tell a host family to try to communicate with the au-pair, once, twice, three times. THEN if there is no change, or if problems are getting worse, rematch. I honestly have not rematched often, and I’d rather avoid the situation if at all possible. But sometimes there really is not much you can do- there is a total mismatch between family and au-pair and it’s best to go different directions.
I second the above. And I also think m au pair and others need to realize that a rematch is never an easy way out – it is very hard on the family, too. I think a host family would only ever consider a rematch when they’ve tried everything else. And in those cases, a rematch might really be what’s best for the au pair as well.
What I do think, though, is that as the host parents are older than the au pair, they may be slightly more skilled at recognizing a true personality mismatch, when nothing you do will ever fix the problem. I think that when you are younger and more inexperienced, you tend to focus more on “what did I do wrong?”, rather than “how come we don’t seem to get along?”.
Thank you anonymous, for the list of what you’ve done, and also the pointer to the website. We’re in the middle of rematch right now so (as you all understand ) life is pretty stressful but I’ll report back when I have more time to go read.
m au pair, I think what you see here are the extreme situations – when a host family has already tried very hard and feels “stuck”. Believe me, rematching is very difficult for the family! My family tried to avoid it for 10 months, but finally it was unavoidable. We definitely do not take rematching lightly. For us, it also came after many, many conversations trying to make things better, and when we broke the news to our au pair she was not in the least surprised. She knew it was coming. So please don’t worry that a rematch will just come out of nowhere for no good reason. I’d venture to say that never happens.
I think that the reason host moms on this blog talk so much about rematch is that no one wants to do it , if they can figure out another way to make things work. I also get the impression that the agencies try to discourage rematch as a quick , easy fix. Sometimes you will read from host moms who are very annoyed that their agency requires a discussion with the LCC and a specified period of time before rematch is opened up. So the agencies don’t encourage anyone to rush into rematch either. But you are absolutely right:
there are lots of people in all areas of business and life who just don’t know what to do except end a relationship. Many people in this country are accustomed to doing that in business. We do not have lengthy cooling off periods . But no aupair program is like that. Neither host families nor aupairs can just say ” I want a change” and I want it right this minute. Well, people do say it but that doesn’t mean they won’t change their minds after they think and talk about it a little. I think experienced families are best at working things out. And a experienced LCC can be a big help, if you are lucky enough to have someone who has been doing this for a long time.
So we’re in week 5 and while I know she read the manual, I really don’t think anything stuck in her mind. I’ve “let go” on a few things, but others I’m honestly just wanting to pound my head into the wall… We had issues earlier and we were on a day-to-day where the LCC was calling daily and basically if things didn’t get better (she wasn’t bonding with my 2 year old) we were going into rematch and she wouldn’t be rematched and just sent home. Things did get better, never great, but better. How do we save the relationship at this point? She is our first au pair and my suggestions seem to go unnoticed by her, and when I’m blunt she seems offended. She’s a nice enough girl, but every day there are at least one or two issues and if I just allow things to continue to “be” rather than correcting her or making suggestions, I know this will be an extremely long 10.5 months. Do I just keep the manual out and ask her to read a paragraph to me when the kids are napping (I work from home, and have left her with the kids, had her leave with the kids, etc, shut myself into another corner of the house, etc, so I do see more than those who work out of the home, but the issue is still the same and things WOHMs would see). IE, kids coloring on the couch (she’s in another room, not supervising the 2 year old, instead just with the baby, which is typical), not washing the kids clothes (i gave specific instructions and asked her if she needed help, I’ve done them every time so far and then have to chase her down to fold them), having food in her room, etc. These are all specifics in the handbook, so I’m not sure what to do at this point without micromanaging. Or do i just micromanage her? I tried doing small things like buying her a book 365 things to do with your toddler and asking her to pick 2 things to do from the book each day and she has yet to do that, so I’m not sure if “just being nice” is reason enough to keep trying.
From what you say, I would say that it’s over. Why invest more time in someone who is not even on best-effort behavior at the start? There will always be things that an AP will not do properly or not care about, but if it’s something small and the goods are good enough, you let it go. If she can’t stick to rules about food and laundry when they have been made explicit, AND she is not bonding with the toddler, I’d ask for rematch.
azmom, I think you have to address the issues head on if you have any hope of improving this situation. One idea for things like laundry is to make a weekly checklist of things she needs to do each week. Mine includes laundry (one line for each load), making each child’s bed, washing towels, washing sheets, straightening each child’s room (one line for each room) (with a reminder of what I mean by “straigtening”). You could approach it as “I noticed that you were having some difficulty keeping track of your responsibilities each week…” I position this checklist as the set of items (not directly childcare) that need to be completed each week.
You might want to sit down and go back over the key items in the handbook as well. Re-read together the clause about no food in her room.
I toyed with the idea of having our next au pair initial key items in the handbook (or every section? every page?) to indicate her understanding. Ended up not doing this with our current AP because, since she was an extension, her English is outstanding, and I got a personal reference from her previous hostparents, I figured that I didn’t need to. I was right, but I might go the “initialling” route next go round. It seems like overkill, but APs are trying to absorb so much information that it’s important to ensure understanding.
I’ve never been in this situation, so good luck!
It’s time to have a quiet chat, in the evening, when the children are in bed for the night, and use the dreaded “R” word. First start off with all the things you like about her, of course. Give her a chance to improve her attitude, and be very clear about the rules – that she is to be dynamic and involved with the two-year-old and the baby, that she is to come up with activities that engage them, that she is to perform household chores when they are down for naps (although personally, I never had my AP do that when I had little ones – but then again, The Camel had 7 therapists coming into the house on a weekly basis for the first 10 months…).
You don’t mention how good her English is – new APs tend to nod and act polite, even when they don’t truly understand. A good tactic is to ask a question that cannot be answered yes/no. What do you plan to do today? Show me how to operate the clothes washer – I want to make sure you understand. Which activity have you picked from the book I gave you? Show me the words that are difficult for you to understand.
Tell her you are going to have weekly meetings while you assess her skills. If she enjoys living with your family, she’ll put in more effort. My guess is that the leap from babysitting to being an AP is overwhelming to her.
And, if you don’t have time or energy to micromanage an AP, then an AP that requires micromanaging is not for you.
Last line above is critically important: some hosts don’t mind micromanaging. It’s all about fitting your requirements and style with the AP’s skills and style.
Good point that her English may still not be up to par, though usually after 5 weeks there’s a big leap in language facility.
It’s also very hard to be an AP for a mom who works at home. But if you’re spending half your work time stressing about what is or isn’t happening in the rest of the house, this is not going to smooth out. You need a more take-charge AP — and then you have to let her do things her way when she’s on duty.
so 2 year old was bored (i said to AP, DD looks bored, she said, “what is that”), she looked at me for a minute and then said “huh” and I said “why don’t you find something in that book I gave you” she went to her room and came out empty handed. I think she lost the book even!
But she’s now getting creative and going to the craft area for stuff… I have an area stuffed with craft things, and I think this is the 3rd time she’s used it, when I’ve discussed a few times how much she loves the craft stuff and it is in the handbook as things 2 year old likes
azmom, being that she is your first au pair, it is difficult for you to judge criteria for rematch. It is complicated, because the relationship with the au pair is personal too. But this is a great benefit of this site – you can use the experience of others to make the decisions that minimize learning by hard knocks.
From my experience, those things will not improve, or will not improve enough and will keep sliding to what they were in the beginning. You can teach a dog new tricks (with a lot of effort), but you cannot teach a dog to be a cat. Basically, if she is clueless about kids and cannot naturally engage them, and engage them at the same time, and mulititask with very basic things like the laundry (even the most clueless of my au pairs managed to do the laundry!), she is not going to be able to learn it all in a short time, and/or to your satisfaction. Some things you can change, but you cannot change who people are fundamentally. When she has kids of her own she will probably also let go of things because she is not industrious, or she is slow… Nothing bad about those qualities, they just don’t make her a good candidate for the job of being an au pair.
I learned all this from experience. I had an au pair that I had enough compassion for to try working through all the unadequacies, every week, every day – I put a lot of time and effort into it. Until 3 months before the end of her year she told me “I cannot change who I am” – I think she figured out it is too late for me to rematch. Before, she was silent when I was giving her my instructions, so I thought she was absorbing and taking it into account. Turns out she was sullenly silent waiting for me to finish, with no intention to try and REALLY “change who she is”.
You HAVE been trying; daily calls with your counselor, and frank discussions about what you need done are not working.
This is not a good fit. Maybe she would do better with a family with just one infant (we successfully rematched an AP to a family like that because she couldn’t handle more than one kid).
It won’t improve, and you need to stop throwing your energy and angst down that hole. Start working on the transition. I tried to save a situation similar to this for several months, and ended up in rematch anyway. Stop exhausting yourself and go looking for a better AP.
The very fabulous “cover” you have here is that you have a two year old that she hasn’t bonded well with. After 5 weeks, a 2 year old is usually bonded or never will in my experience. You’ve got bad chemistry and or an AP who isn’t all that bright. Move on. Keep it matter of fact and not personal. Go call the counselor this morning.
← Previous Comments
Comments on this entry are closed.