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For our family being a part is a reflection of the golden rule. It is that special girl who is willing to treat us the way she wants to be treated. The one who notices when I am about to go out to dinner after hurriedly putting the bambinos to bed with my dress buttoned wrong and corrects it for me because my husband would never notice… knowing full well I would do the same for her. I try to remember the pin money is not always that much and do a bit more when I can, and I try to make sure there are the same number of gifts for her to open on Christmas morning as everyone else because I would want someone to treat my daughter that way.

I have been blessed with girls who have given up weekend days because I have had a migraine or my husband was unexpectedly called into a golf match. I am thankful we have a great enough relationship that after the kids are in bed we go out together for pedicures or coffee together and just talk. (I treat).

I think it is about listening to the girls and being interested in their lives and not always expecting them to give over to yours. That is so hard, because it is all about our households at the end of the day isn’t it? I mean that is what we have in common, our children. So to sit and listen to our APs talk about past children they have cared for is sometimes rather difficult. For me anyway. I really try.

I care about my APs because I need them to care about my children and that is the most important thing of all. How will my children learn to care for and respect others if they don’t see me do it? I want them to be part of our family because I want my children to grow and learn from the experience and I want my AP to grow and learn as well. Actually I would like to grow and learn too!

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Ideally, I’d like her to take care of her own needs completely and function as a fully adult member of the family: keep herself fed, keep her laundry done, keep her living space straightened up, find things to do on weekends, take responsibility for getting herself from place to place. This does not usually happen, unfortunately. I have my hands full with my current children, so when my au pair does things that show immaturity, it frustrates me.

I’m very careful to keep her hours limited to the agreed-upon 45 hours a week. I don’t expect her to do non-childcare related chores, since we have a cleaning lady and I do all the shopping and errands myself. I’m trying hard to find the balance with cooking dinners and would appreciate any feedback about how other families handle this… we started out with the au pair, my husband, and myself each cooking dinner two nights a week, and everybody eating together. That didn’t work very well for various reasons… now she’s on her own for dinner 6 nights a week and we all eat together/have the family meeting/reconnect on Sunday nights, and I usually cook. I’d love some more help with cooking/menu planning, which seems fair since we’re all eating.

What I struggle with is the balance between being an employer and being a family member. The closer the au pair and I get as family members, the less respect she seems to have for me as an employer. So because of that I’ve had to pull back. I don’t know if this is because of something I’m doing, or a sign of the level of maturity of my au pair, or a little of both, or what…

(And now I’m going to go copy this post to a safe spot so I can use it during my interviews for my next au pair.)

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What I’ve learned from my APs is that they value the fact that I expect them to be responsible, and I allow them a lot of privileges from the very beginning. I know a lot of HPs will make their APs earn their privileges, but I have taken the attitude that the APs deserve my respect, and I give it to them until they prove me wrong. Luckily, this has worked well for me thus far.

I’ve learned from other APs that they just want to be heard and loved as if they truly are valued young women. I find it kind of sad when an AP tells me that their HM never asks them about their family or friends. Ask about their social activities! You don’t have to know every detail, but your AP will be happy to know that you care.

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Our aupairs have helped around our home much more than they needed to. They’ve helped by doing my laundry, and I’ve helped by doing theirs. As a member of our family, I’ve helped them with their homework, and helped edit their written work. I’ve tried to help them understand cultural situations that might be surprising for them in the US. I am an ESL teacher and work with families from all over the world, so I draw from this experience.

Our aupairs are always invited to family gatherings such as holidays, birthdays, and special family dinners. They’ve joined us for most of those activities, too. The two aupairs that did not remain with our family did not participate in family events.

Johanna (our first aupair) held my newborn niece, two hours after she was born. She helped me when I would do freezer cooking, preparing meals for the next month, in a weekend marathon. Our basement was being remodeled, and Johanna let me know messages each day, from the builders. She spoke with her family multiple times each day, as we’d found “The Purple Card”, which allowed her to place calls for less than a penny a minute. I was always curious about what her family was doing, and Johanna kept me posted, each day.

Johanna’s mom, dad, and brother came to visit for two weeks. I must say that I wouldn’t usually want a two week visit from anyone, but I knew that it would be an awesome two weeks, as I felt that I knew her parents, through knowing Johanna. If I could have pledged my daughter to Johanna’s brother, knowing I wouldn’t have to deal with teen love, I would have done it. Her brother visited a second time for several weeks, and another friend of Johanna’s visited for a week or so. I totally enjoyed the visits from her family and her friend. I must say that I also would never have agreed to visits from family or friends of two aupairs who did not remain with our family.

After Johanna completed her year as our aupair, she returned to her home country and applied to be an international student. My daughter was in school, and I had not yet adopted my younger daughter. We did not need an aupair, and for two years, Johanna lived as a big sister in our home, while she studied. During this time, I went to meetings with her, as she made decisions about her college, and e-mailed questions she had, to an admissions counselor. Her schooling was painfully expensive, and at least she had no living expenses while she studied. When Johanna graduated with her Associates Degree in Business, we attended her graduation, and hosted a party for her. During the three years Johanna lived with us, she was flexible when illnesses and hospitalizations of family members, resulted in me walking out the door. She walked my daughter to school in the morning, like a big sister, and reminded my daughter of appropriate behavior in different situations. Johanna often asked to take my daughter to church with her, after school. She went on to complete her Bachelor’s Degree, and just graduated with her Master’s Degree! Our extended family plans to visit her in Germany, when our kids are up to an international trip, and when our bank accounts permit! She’s been back in Germany for three years, and we still talk about her everyday! We’ve communicated that there will always be a place in our family and home for her, if she has the opportunity to return to the US in the future.

Dikun, our first Chinese aupair, stepped up from the beginning, as I became ill with the flu the first day she was with our family. She tried hard to understand the needs of my younger daughter, who spent three years in an orphanage, before joining our family. Behaviors that might serve a child well in an orphanage don’t work well in a family, and Dikun helped me with my efforts to teach my daughter appropriate behaviors for life in a family. We had many wonderful conversations, comparing and contrasting information about China and the US. We talked about families, parenting, cemeteries, crime, judicial system, and politics, especially during the most recent presidential election. We talked a lot about Dikun’s goals for the future, and her thoughts about making a good life for her future. As part of our family, Dikun, met many of our local friends, who are also adoptive families, with children from China. She was happy to attend group events with our adoptive families, and became a friend to the little girls and their families.

The terrible earthquake in China happened very close to Dikun’s home. The morning I learned of the earthquake was very tough in our home. I awoke Dikun, told her what had happened, and handed her the phone to call her family. The lines were busy, and it took awhile to get through. I was sick for the people who had been affected, and terrified for Dikun. I was wondering how quickly I could get her back to China, if the news she received was bad. I was also trying to get my girls up and ready for school, and get to work on time. Dikun got through to her parents, knew they were safe, and I explained to my daughters what had happened. They were trying to take extra good care of Ms. Dikun, and I called a friend, asking her to check on Dikun, during the day. Other friends stopped by with flowers, cards, and e-mailed her their kind words of support. Dikun told me that these efforts meant the world to her and her parents. For a very long time, I asked Dikun if she’d spoken to her parents each day. There were thousands of after-shocks and this was very stressful for her parents.

As part of our family, Dikun went to stay with my sister and her family for several days, so that I could travel to another state, with my older daughter, and take her to China Camp. This was organized by our adoption agency, and was an opportunity for my older daughter to reunite with some of her baby friends, from her orphanage. I couldn’t leave Dikun and my younger daughter alone for three days, so they stayed with my sister, and my sister was there to help with Grace, also. This, of course, required flexibility from Dikun, and she was gracious to agree. My sister kept telling me how much she enjoyed having Dikun stay with them, and how helpful she was. This was simply life with Ms. Dikun. She made every day better for us, as Ms. Johanna had during her time with us.

Dikun moved to a different part of the US for her second year as an aupair. It was not a rematch situation due to any type of problem. I wrote a three page later to any potential family that would match with her, as I was determined that the best, possible family would match with her. I kept telling her that “just any old family” was not good enough, and she deserved the best. I actually spoke to her current host-mom first, had a good feeling about her, e-mailed her early on, and met the host-mom’s sister, who lived nearby, before Dikun matched with this family. At every point, I was making sure our beloved Ms. Dikun was going to a family who would love her, value her, know they were very blessed to have her, and would take very good care of her. She’ll be visiting this, as her host family is coming to the area on vacation, soon. Ms. Dikun knows she’ll always have a place in our hearts and our family.

Ms. April has just joined our family, and she too, has shown that she wants to be part of our family. She calls her mom for cooking advice, then tells me what we need from the store, to create a Chinese meal. She is teaching us to make Chinese dumplings. Ms. April really likes my mom a lot, and made sure she was able to join us when we had a birthday party for my mom. Ms. April meets me at the door when I return home from shopping, and is headed toward the car, without my request for help, immediately. She helps me carry bags inside, and my sleeping daughter, too. Ms. April knows when I’m tired, and has sent me off to take a little rest. She has the most delightful laugh, and I check with her often, to ask if she’s talked with her mom, recently. She’s incredibly thoughtful and asks if she can help, even when she isn’t working.

Ms. April had a horrible day in the spring; I really could have cried when I knew how bad the day had been. Thankfully, it didn’t have anything to do with my kids, but it was a horrible day. When I understood what had happened, I sent her upstairs to take a warm bath, and ordered Chinese food from a local restaurant. They delivered, just as she got out of the tub. I wanted her to just relax in her room for the night, and she kept trying to help in the kitchen, because she’s such a wonderful helper in our home. Ms. April just makes every day easier and better.

Our aupairs have made every day better, for our family. They have understood the times of the year when my work schedule is crazy, and their schedule was stretched, to accommodate mine. They’ve arranged to help with my girls when family members were ill and needed my help. They’ve studied with my older daughter, and been role-models of young women, focused on their education.

Our aupairs are part of our family, and I’ve helped them purchase computers, and airline tickets. I’ve counseled them on what a good price is for different items they want to purchase, and pointed out different stores that are good to visit, and best to walk past. As part of our family, I also ask them to contact their mom and dad when they are facing some type of struggle or challenge. I do my best to help them, but also want them consulting with their family. Our “family” aupairs have been great about calling home to talk with their family, at my suggestion.

I’ve appreciated when our aupairs are flexible, and I try to be flexible with them, as well. Our aupairs have been generous with their time, spending more time with my girls than required. They’ve helped out when my kids were sick, or when I was sick. They’ve graciously sent me on my way when a family member has been ill and I needed to leave home to help. I’ve tried to be considerate about their schedule, and tried to accommodate opportunities they’ve had with their cluster, vacation time, and friends.

Our aupairs have understood that my motherly advice about friends, men, travel, and holding on to a beverage when they are away from home is coming from my sincere desire to keep them safe, while they are part of our family. They know I’ve got their back, and that I want their parents to sleep well knowing that while their daughter is away from home, another mom is caring and watching out for their daughter. I also ask if they’ve talked to their parents in the last few days, as I want their parents to know they are cared for, in our family. I also want their parents sleeping well, knowing that they’ll hear from their daughter, again, soon. We talk about the realities of caring for children, and I’ve told each one of them that I am so glad that I’m a mom, and that I’m grateful that I had a lot of experience in life before becoming a mom.

As part of our family, we’ve welcomed the friends of our aupairs. We’re happy to include them when we go apple-picking, go on picnics, or have family events. I have truly enjoyed the friends of our aupairs, and through time with their friends, I’ve known that they’re in good company.

Perhaps what is most important in treating our aupairs as a member of our family is knowing that they are young women with a dream. Traveling to another country, with an opportunity to improve their English skills, which will help them in their future, and studying in a foreign country is their dream. They know that this will help them with the next step in their lives. I want them to know that there will always be a place for them in our family, and that we’re cheering for them, as they move away from our family, and work toward their next goal. I always want our aupairs to look back on their year with us, and reflect that they’re thankful they chose us. I want them to believe that we were the best family for them, in their home away from home, and that there will always be space in our home and hearts for them in the future.

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