Comments on: Part of the Family: The Au Pairs’ Perspective http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/ Helping Host Parents and Au Pairs build great relationships. Tue, 22 May 2012 09:09:49 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: FirstTimeAuPair http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-18840 FirstTimeAuPair Tue, 21 Jun 2011 14:14:35 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/#comment-18840 I'm a Swedish girl, 22yrs old, going to be a first time AuPair in London starting this autumn, assuming I find a hostfamily, I'm in the matchingprocess at the moment and I've given a lot of thought about the "being part of a family" thing. For me it means being able to spend time with the family off-duty, being able to chit-chat about daily things like how the day has been and being invited to outings with the family, birthdays maybe or other trips and in general just being able/allowed to socialise with them. I’m a Swedish girl, 22yrs old, going to be a first time AuPair in London starting this autumn, assuming I find a hostfamily, I’m in the matchingprocess at the moment and I’ve given a lot of thought about the “being part of a family” thing.

For me it means being able to spend time with the family off-duty, being able to chit-chat about daily things like how the day has been and being invited to outings with the family, birthdays maybe or other trips and in general just being able/allowed to socialise with them.

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]]> By: Should be working http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-14535 Should be working Mon, 08 Nov 2010 09:00:24 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/#comment-14535 Wow, not allowed in the living room? And that 'privilege' contingent on ironing? And unplanned babysitting? I can't imagine how that fits in with some of the good stuff listed above that. I never cease to be shocked at other people's standards for treating APs. Wow, not allowed in the living room? And that ‘privilege’ contingent on ironing? And unplanned babysitting? I can’t imagine how that fits in with some of the good stuff listed above that. I never cease to be shocked at other people’s standards for treating APs.

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]]> By: Nina http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-14531 Nina Sun, 07 Nov 2010 21:46:16 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/#comment-14531 What does it mean to you to be "part of the family"? Just to be thought of and known that I'm there. Being able to join family outings, sit at the table together for dinner, joining in conversations. Just the small things which make up "family life". What do host families do that helps you feel "part of the family"? *I had the second biggest room in the house (the kids had the biggest - the parents even gave up their master bedroom for me!) *They wanted to reschedule their sports training so I could take up a Greek language class *I was invited to every meal time, but although it wasn't a big deal if I wasn't there, they'd worry that I was getting ill because I wasn't eating. *My opinions on childcare were taken into consideration (I don't mean I sat down saying "you're awful parents, I think you should change X, Y or Z", I mean things like asking if it'd be a good idea to get protecters on the electrical sockets when the girls suddenly became toddlers and were all over the house sticking their fingers in the sockets, or "hey, I read X in a parents book, what do you think of it" because hey, I was there to learn myself!) *Taking me away with them on weekend trips *when I slept through my alarm, my HD took me to the airport in the early hours of the morning so I didn't miss my plane and I got there just as check in was closing What do host families do that takes away from feeling "part of the family"? *I wasn't allowed to stay in the living room in the evenings, except if neither parents were at home and I'd done all the ironing. *I was only seen as "the au pair" (I did kind of hope I'd be like "the big sister") *Not telling me in advance when they needed me for babysitting, so I had to give up my plans an awful lot on the spur of the moment I believe I had an awesome HF, and I did, as a whole, feel like I was part of the family, and I have been invited back if I want to work there again after I have finished my degree (and you guys have no idea how tempting that is!) What does it mean to you to be “part of the family”?
Just to be thought of and known that I’m there. Being able to join family outings, sit at the table together for dinner, joining in conversations. Just the small things which make up “family life”.

What do host families do that helps you feel “part of the family”?
*I had the second biggest room in the house (the kids had the biggest – the parents even gave up their master bedroom for me!)
*They wanted to reschedule their sports training so I could take up a Greek language class
*I was invited to every meal time, but although it wasn’t a big deal if I wasn’t there, they’d worry that I was getting ill because I wasn’t eating.
*My opinions on childcare were taken into consideration (I don’t mean I sat down saying “you’re awful parents, I think you should change X, Y or Z”, I mean things like asking if it’d be a good idea to get protecters on the electrical sockets when the girls suddenly became toddlers and were all over the house sticking their fingers in the sockets, or “hey, I read X in a parents book, what do you think of it” because hey, I was there to learn myself!)
*Taking me away with them on weekend trips
*when I slept through my alarm, my HD took me to the airport in the early hours of the morning so I didn’t miss my plane and I got there just as check in was closing

What do host families do that takes away from feeling “part of the family”?
*I wasn’t allowed to stay in the living room in the evenings, except if neither parents were at home and I’d done all the ironing.
*I was only seen as “the au pair” (I did kind of hope I’d be like “the big sister”)
*Not telling me in advance when they needed me for babysitting, so I had to give up my plans an awful lot on the spur of the moment

I believe I had an awesome HF, and I did, as a whole, feel like I was part of the family, and I have been invited back if I want to work there again after I have finished my degree (and you guys have no idea how tempting that is!)

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]]> By: Taking a Computer Lunch http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-14101 Taking a Computer Lunch Fri, 15 Oct 2010 12:56:25 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/#comment-14101 My first thought, if au pairing makes you so angry, why do you continue? I'm sorry that your family treats you so badly - no one should be hit, but surely you have recourse to leave a negative work situation. My second thought is that the AP life in the United States tends to be very different than in Europe, based on the AP complaints I have read on this blog. I'm not saying it's perfect (or even always good), but the expectation, as set up by the agencies and the U.S. State Dept. is that the AP is part of the family. Your experience in London will be different from that of most APs in Washington, for example, and part of that difference is how the program is set up in the US. Finally, yes, this blog is set up to respond to complaints -- and because it's called Au Pair Mom -- those tend to come from HMs, but there are plenty of topics which APs initiated, too. But, if you take a moment to read all the comments--and I'll pick the tampon thread, since you brought it up--you'd realize that not all the HMs agreed with the OP, and that it became a real dialogue about cultural difference and expectations that arise when two cultures meet, but also about the diversity of opinion within the US. There are plenty of positive threads, about how to celebrate birthdays, Christmas and how to say goodbye to a beloved AP. My first thought, if au pairing makes you so angry, why do you continue? I’m sorry that your family treats you so badly – no one should be hit, but surely you have recourse to leave a negative work situation.

My second thought is that the AP life in the United States tends to be very different than in Europe, based on the AP complaints I have read on this blog. I’m not saying it’s perfect (or even always good), but the expectation, as set up by the agencies and the U.S. State Dept. is that the AP is part of the family. Your experience in London will be different from that of most APs in Washington, for example, and part of that difference is how the program is set up in the US.

Finally, yes, this blog is set up to respond to complaints — and because it’s called Au Pair Mom — those tend to come from HMs, but there are plenty of topics which APs initiated, too. But, if you take a moment to read all the comments–and I’ll pick the tampon thread, since you brought it up–you’d realize that not all the HMs agreed with the OP, and that it became a real dialogue about cultural difference and expectations that arise when two cultures meet, but also about the diversity of opinion within the US. There are plenty of positive threads, about how to celebrate birthdays, Christmas and how to say goodbye to a beloved AP.

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]]> By: Andrea Cam http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-14098 Andrea Cam Fri, 15 Oct 2010 01:24:01 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/#comment-14098 Part of the family, please! Slavery, pure and simple. I got hit, cursed, humilliated, rolled eyes and mimicked voice in front of a house full of people to make the host "mother" ( ha! ) look good and me look unreasonable after I had broken my back working for her on one of my "weekends off". I wasn't payed because "there are no ATMs around and I cannot take cash out". Yeah, difficult when you work in the center of London, no cash machines, you see. They are all complaining, this site is full of them : "oh, my au-pair isn't working weekends", "my au-pair doesn't put inside her the tampons *I*, monarch host-mother said she has to use so she can take my children swimming", "my au-pair stays late out with friends ". Please, would you let someone treat your DAUGHTER like that? Seriously, is someone forced your daughter to wear internal tampons while she was on her period if she didn't want to, would you not kill them? Or raised their voice and harmed them over kitchen foil? I am fully behind Rossana on this one, anyone wanting to be an au-pair, STAY AWAY, it's slavery. Part of the family, please! Slavery, pure and simple. I got hit, cursed, humilliated, rolled eyes and mimicked voice in front of a house full of people to make the host “mother” ( ha! ) look good and me look unreasonable after I had broken my back working for her on one of my “weekends off”. I wasn’t payed because “there are no ATMs around and I cannot take cash out”. Yeah, difficult when you work in the center of London, no cash machines, you see.
They are all complaining, this site is full of them : “oh, my au-pair isn’t working weekends”, “my au-pair doesn’t put inside her the tampons *I*, monarch host-mother said she has to use so she can take my children swimming”, “my au-pair stays late out with friends “. Please, would you let someone treat your DAUGHTER like that? Seriously, is someone forced your daughter to wear internal tampons while she was on her period if she didn’t want to, would you not kill them? Or raised their voice and harmed them over kitchen foil?
I am fully behind Rossana on this one, anyone wanting to be an au-pair, STAY AWAY, it’s slavery.

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]]> By: MommyMia http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-13055 MommyMia Tue, 24 Aug 2010 23:40:23 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/#comment-13055 Loisa, I'm so sorry that happened to you, and your HF remark was not called for. Yes, I would have been worried, but that is one of the reasons why we provide a cellphone to our au pair and expect her to take it with her. It's primarily for us to contact her when necessary regarding the children or schedule, but also if she were to encounter an emergency situation. I'd sit down with my host family if I were you and talk about what is reasonable should something like this ever happen again (and suggest they add a section to their manual, or if they don't have one, it's an excellent place to start!). Scout out some locations of pay phones (if any still exist in your area) or discuss who you could ask to phone home for you. I think most people would make a quick, local call for you if you asked and told them your situation. Loisa, I’m so sorry that happened to you, and your HF remark was not called for. Yes, I would have been worried, but that is one of the reasons why we provide a cellphone to our au pair and expect her to take it with her. It’s primarily for us to contact her when necessary regarding the children or schedule, but also if she were to encounter an emergency situation. I’d sit down with my host family if I were you and talk about what is reasonable should something like this ever happen again (and suggest they add a section to their manual, or if they don’t have one, it’s an excellent place to start!). Scout out some locations of pay phones (if any still exist in your area) or discuss who you could ask to phone home for you. I think most people would make a quick, local call for you if you asked and told them your situation.

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]]> By: EUROaupair http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-13040 EUROaupair Tue, 24 Aug 2010 13:46:21 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/#comment-13040 Calif Mom; that is how my HF are about my free time and I really really appreciate it now! But only after reading stories about controlling families and curfews etc. My family might be a little on the cool side, but they allow me my freedom. I know if I called and said I were in trouble they would be there in a heartbeat, though =) Calif Mom; that is how my HF are about my free time and I really really appreciate it now! But only after reading stories about controlling families and curfews etc.

My family might be a little on the cool side, but they allow me my freedom. I know if I called and said I were in trouble they would be there in a heartbeat, though =)

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]]> By: EUROaupair http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-13039 EUROaupair Tue, 24 Aug 2010 13:42:15 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/#comment-13039 I don't usually care if they pop out or something, but we always run into difficulty as the parents often neglect to tell me when something 'big' is planned. When I have the kids til 2pm, for example, they will ask if they can come with me to do whatever I am doing in the afternoon (and I say sure, because most days they are left to their own devices in the afternoon, running riot!). Then I find out that they are going to a Soccer Game, or Hiking, or something kinda 'big' that is outside of their normal routine. Then the kids cry or throw tantrums because I said I would take them with me. It is so awkward! I feel that if I were being treated as a family member it would have at least cropped up in conversation.. Similarly, on my last day off the kids woke me up at 9am because they were "staaaarving" and HM&HD were asleep. So I gave them breakfast etc. When HM&HD woke up (9.30) they were angry as they had been planning to take the kids out for brunch and now they wouldn't eat their money's-worth (lol). So I feel like a note in the kitchen might have been in order there.. I don’t usually care if they pop out or something, but we always run into difficulty as the parents often neglect to tell me when something ‘big’ is planned.

When I have the kids til 2pm, for example, they will ask if they can come with me to do whatever I am doing in the afternoon (and I say sure, because most days they are left to their own devices in the afternoon, running riot!).

Then I find out that they are going to a Soccer Game, or Hiking, or something kinda ‘big’ that is outside of their normal routine. Then the kids cry or throw tantrums because I said I would take them with me. It is so awkward! I feel that if I were being treated as a family member it would have at least cropped up in conversation..

Similarly, on my last day off the kids woke me up at 9am because they were “staaaarving” and HM&HD were asleep. So I gave them breakfast etc.

When HM&HD woke up (9.30) they were angry as they had been planning to take the kids out for brunch and now they wouldn’t eat their money’s-worth (lol). So I feel like a note in the kitchen might have been in order there..

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]]> By: EUROaupair http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-13038 EUROaupair Tue, 24 Aug 2010 13:27:25 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/#comment-13038 I feel kind of angry at your au pair because I would love for a family like that! In my HF, the HD will invite me to things but if its just the HM and the kids (HD is on business often) I am just left behind, lol. I feel so much more included when HF is home! I feel kind of angry at your au pair because I would love for a family like that!
In my HF, the HD will invite me to things but if its just the HM and the kids (HD is on business often) I am just left behind, lol. I feel so much more included when HF is home!

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]]> By: Chev http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-12587 Chev Fri, 06 Aug 2010 02:08:53 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/part-of-the-family-the-au-pair-perspective/2009/07/02/celiaharquail/#comment-12587 I've been with my fam for a year and a half and i feel like i'm actually family. I don't consider my HP's like my actual mum and dad, i have a mum and don't need a replacement but they're definitely family, not just the family i work for. It's the little things like asking how my day was, and if i've had a tough day with the boys and we go out to dinner, ordering my fave cocktail for me. They mostly always take into consideration my feelings and thoughts. There are definitely times when i'm ready to vent to my friends about the dirty bottles or high chairs that are left for me on Monday morning but considering i've been here a year and a half and thats the only thing i can complain about, i think i have it pretty great. I've done this program twice and had friends whose HP's don't even treat them like an employee, it's more - you're here to look after the children, i don't have to talk to you or consider that you might not want to have to wash the kids dishes that we left dirty just so you can feed our children. I've had one friend whose HD didn't even talk to her except to give orders or derisive comments. Those are the stories that make me want to cry and wonder how some families even make it into a program let alone stay in one for the five or so years her family had been in it when she got there. I’ve been with my fam for a year and a half and i feel like i’m actually family. I don’t consider my HP’s like my actual mum and dad, i have a mum and don’t need a replacement but they’re definitely family, not just the family i work for.
It’s the little things like asking how my day was, and if i’ve had a tough day with the boys and we go out to dinner, ordering my fave cocktail for me. They mostly always take into consideration my feelings and thoughts. There are definitely times when i’m ready to vent to my friends about the dirty bottles or high chairs that are left for me on Monday morning but considering i’ve been here a year and a half and thats the only thing i can complain about, i think i have it pretty great.
I’ve done this program twice and had friends whose HP’s don’t even treat them like an employee, it’s more – you’re here to look after the children, i don’t have to talk to you or consider that you might not want to have to wash the kids dishes that we left dirty just so you can feed our children. I’ve had one friend whose HD didn’t even talk to her except to give orders or derisive comments. Those are the stories that make me want to cry and wonder how some families even make it into a program let alone stay in one for the five or so years her family had been in it when she got there.

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