Advice Wanted, archived
Here’s an archive of all of the requests for advice — and our responses, from the start of AuPairMom ’till April 2009.
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Hello — We are a host family who’ve had au pairs for 4 years running. Our current au pair, who is nothing spectacular but fine is trying desperately to marry an American. She’s online constantly trying to arrange a marriage for herself. This week, she told me she’d “met someone” online who is offering to marry her, pay for her schooling, buy her a car and a home, but he wants to meet her first, next weekend in NYC. I told her I was terrified for her, that this sounds like an extremely dangerous situation potentially, and she promised not to go. However, I’ve since learned that she planning to go the weekend after next. Nevermind that I feel her judgment is lacking, I’m extremely concerned for her personal safety and have this idea that she’ll go and no one will ever see her again. I would greatly appreciate some guidance. I am concerned that if I get the “company/my LCC” involved, I will lose my au pair’s trust.
I may sound harsh, but you have to get the LCC involved. If your AP were to disappear, you would not be able to forgive yourself. If she does get married to some creepy figure, is she going to stick around and be your AP still?
More to the point — would you really want her to?!
You may lose your AP’s trust, but she is clearly not focused on making good decisions, and you can no longer count on her to take care of your kids wisely. You need to see this as the beginning of the end with her as your AP.
CK – Go to your LCC as fast as you run. AP is going to leave you and hopefully she won’t introduce this person to your children or steal from you. Beware It seems very clear that her first priority is not being an AP and taking care of your children. She signed up so she could get a ticket here and get a husband.
Yes, you need to call LCC right away and start lining up your back-up childcare. Even if it takes her awhile, she’s going to disappear one way or another, and you don’t want her in your house! You need a new AP.
Question Do we have an obligation to keep an au pair in our home after her two week notice is up?
We did an intervention with our aupair (she smoked, refused to drive, ran up a 66 page cell phone bill on work time, refused to go to school, and stayed out all night, ending up stranded in a motel room party100 miles away. ’nuff said). We all decided it was best to put her up for rematch. My husband and I decided to take a break from au pairing so we are not seeking a replacement. We all agreed that the AP would continue to work during the 2 week notice. We stated we would happily release her from her 2 weeks should she match sooner. As of Friday, she will have been with us two months.
The two weeks are up on Friday. I called the CC on Monday to inquire what the arrangements would be. She called back today and said 1) no matches yet, but 2 families are interested 2) the AP is to stay with us indefinitely until she is placed with another family. 3) Since Euraupair already charged back our credit card ( not enough, BTW), then the AP would be staying with us with free room and board and not work retroactive to last week!
There was no letter outlining such a plan. Our contract does not state we have to feed and house a transitional AP indefinitely. We asked for the amount of our refund, but had no idea they had already charged back the credit card until today when I got an email from the agency
The CC is furious and was screaming that she has no responsibility to house AP. We said that if our AP contract is terminated before the two weeks are up , then it’s the CC’s and agency’s responsibility to find her a place to live. Now. Or better yet, retroactive to last week.
Since our transition discussion, AP has come and gone as she pleases, and picks and chooses her duties. I have worked from home and have been away no more than 1 hour at a time because I do not trust her to make good choices.
We are planning to go away next week, and WILL NOT leave her here, nor will we take her with us.
Should we go over the regional office’s head and address this with the corporate office? The CC is a mess with two kids 2 and under and has been that way from the beginning.
Any words of advice?
Absolutely, call not only the regional office but also the central office. You are not obligated to keep the Ap at your house, she should be the agency’s problem now. Sounds like your CC can’t deal although she should be doing more. You’re lucky in a way that you hve plans to be away, b.c this gives you an absolute cut off.
You should also tell the AP that her absolute last day in your home will be (2 days before you vacation). Tell her that she needs to call the agency office and get them to take charge. Tell her it is up to her to find another family, a friend to stay with, a couch at the LCC’s, and/or a solution with the agency.
Ask her to pack up all her things but her essentials, “so that she can go the minute she has a place to go”. This may help prevent additional damage, lollygagging, or you getting stuck with a mess.
Also, take away everything that she has that can be considered a privilege — cell phone, dvr, computer, car (if she drove for herself). You want to make it as uncomfortable as possible for her to stay at your house, short of being absolutely mean. Take away her house keys, give her a curfew. The idea is to put as much pressure on her to get moving…b/c even another day is too long.
This is a really tough one…. and I’m sure the LCCs who participate in AuPairMom will hate to hear me say it, but be ready to pack the girl in your car with all her luggage to drop her off at the LCC’s on your way to your vacation. Let us know what happens… hope it gets solved with phone calls to the agency!
Definitely post back & let us know what happens OK.
But ya, I would definitely call the regional contact first. If you don’t get the answers you need then call corporate.
I’m also with Euraupair. I have transitioned once. However, there was a grey area mentioned in terms of where the au pair is to stay during this time. “to stay with the host family – until a new family is found ” Is all I know We were lucky & the transition was only 1 week. However, this is one area, that needs to be clearly stated & signed as an “agreement”. The grey area isn’t fair to you as a host family.
I wish you luck!!! Post back. Enjoy your vacation BTW.
Ladies, I need some advice.
I am having food issues with my AP when it comes to feeding children. She is a carbo-holic and considers pasta with rice with bread to be a meal. She does eat fruits and vegetables, and likes things I cook, and such, but mostly, she will eat carbs and carbs only if left to her own devices. With her arrival, for the first time in years, we have white bread in the house. We generally did not eat bread as a family, and kids were getting English Muffins for their sandwiches ones in a while. Now, all they want is white bread and sandwiches all the time. I cannot really tell her not to eat bread, or rice or pasta for that matter (we very rarely had those things in the house before also). Our general meals are protein and vegetables; so grilled chicken or steak or fish and salad would be considered a full dinner at my house. I am not talking about occasional treats and such here. Of course kids have those too within reason.
Convenience foods are very – convenient, and we do have frozen chicken nuggets and meatballs in the freezer for the days when I don’t have anything specific cooked. We already had a plethora of food discussions with our AP (after I came home early and caught her feeding my kids a plate of plain pasta and plain rice for dinner when I had a refrigerator full of prepared meats) and the clear message was “WHEN WE HAVE PREPARED FOOD IN THE REFREGIRATOR, THAT IS WHAT KIDS EAT. FROZEN CONVENIECE FOOD IS FOR WHEN I DID NOT PREPARE ANYTHING SPEFIC AND DID NOT LEAVE ANY OTHER SPECIFIC INSTRUCTION”. Things seemed to be improving after that, but I am not home in the morning to supervise her when she packed kids school lunches.
Anyway, this morning, I was home, and found out that my older child got packed for lunch 6 chicken nuggets and 4 cherry tomatoes (with appreciate snacks, but still). This is when I have a refrigerator full of grilled chicken, turkey breast bought specifically for kids lunch sandwiches (and told so to AP), and a whole pork roast. I asked her why she packed the chicken nuggets and she said it was what older child wanted. Arrrgggg! I have so many issues with this. Besides the fact that it was just not enough food for the child and the child would’ve been hungry in school there are also
(1) how do I know what is being packed for kids lunches when I am not there to supervise, which is practically every day;
(2) the whole issue of undermining au pair’s authority in front of kids, which is what I had to do this morning when I repacked school lunches; and
(3) I bought a whole thing of turkey breast specifically for kids lunch sandwiches and told that to AP. If they don’t eat on it, it will go bad and I will have to through it out.
In addition, for breakfast, the older child was given two slices of white bread with two slabs of cream cheese between them. The child only ate one slab of cream cheese and left the rest. This was before I came downstairs and did not see it being served. The AP would’ve send older child to school with just that for a breakfast. No wonder the child has been complaining about being hungry in school. Once again, the child asked for a cream cheese sandwich for breakfast and that is what was prepared. I would not have had an issue with cream cheese sandwich, if it would’ve been on English muffin, not white bread and be accompanied by other things. After I demanded of older child to have a normal breakfast that I would approve of, the child had a yogurt and strawberries. This is fine with me.
I am having a lot of issues with this. First, the whole carb fest in my house. I am not sure how to deal with it. I cannot ask AP not to eat it, but at the same time, I cannot continue having tubs of rice pudding that she makes in the fridge al the time. Kids eat it, and what’s even worse, my husband eats and he is a diabetic. This is one of the reasons we generally limit carbs and sweets. There is also the pasta and white bread issue. Second, how much more clear can I made “IF THERE IS PREPARED FOOD, THAT IS WHAT KIDS EAT. FROZEN CONVENIENCE ITEMS ARE FOR EMMERGENCIES ONLY”.
And now, to be completely fair to my AP, I will say that she has done a great job in other areas. She got kids involved in cleaning and maintaining their room, they are responsible for putting away all of their laundry with her supervision, they have been a lot more consistently using polite language (an issue that was horribly worsened by previous AP), and although it definitely took them a while, they are starting to think of her as fun and a friend. Recently, there has been a lot more of “I miss AP” and “AP is fun” and “I want AP to read me a book” then before.
The only other issue besides food that I had with this AP is the weather appropriate clothing for children over the course of winter. We resolved it somewhat, but thankfully the winter and cold weather is almost over, as I was not completely happy with the outcome of that.
So, what do I do?
PS: I am not considering rematch and would really like to keep this AP until her year is up in Septemeber.
Maya, there’s a lot to respond to here, so I may be back later with some more thoughts, but I did have one suggestion that popped into my head with regard to the packing lunches issue. Could you make up some kind of “chart” where it lists all of the various items the kids are allowed to have in their lunches, and a note that the AP (or the child if the child has favorites or preferences) should pick “one from column A, one from column B, one from column C” or something like that? That gives her and the kids some flexibility to mix and match, but it also means that she’ll have more guidance as to the types and amount of food that you feel is appropriate. (You could actually do something similar for breakfast.) With something like the turkey, I’d either mention to her (or put in a note) that the turkey will go bad if it’s not used, so you’d like her to make sure to pack it in the kids’ lunches this week.
With the rice pudding and the other things that she eats that you’d prefer the kids not to eat, can’t you just explain that to her? What’s wrong with saying, “it’s fine for you to make such-and-such for yourself, and I am happy to purchase it when I do the grocery shopping, but I would prefer that you do not give it to the kids EVEN IF THEY ASK for it”?
Jennifer, I hope this issue will be resolved soon. While I don’ know the specific rules of your organization, I do think that you have done more than enough keeping her for the two weeks.
I actually had ap friends who were dumped on the street by their host family. I’ m not saying this because thats what you should do. you have shown your good will. however, if she is not out before your vacation, i’d dump her right at the councelor’s home. yes it’s a very mean thing to do, but if you have decided to terminate the program and have put up with her longer than necessary, then this is not your problem anymore and the councelor should step in!
franzi
Dawn, thank you for your response! I will try to do that in terms of making a list and having them pick, but I am juts not sure how effective it will be. I don’t have predefined, always available things in the house. It all depends on what I cook and when and how many leftovers I have. My AP has gotten the snack part of the lunch really well; a yogurt, a fruit cup, fresh fruit, cheese stick, and a bottle of water. It is the actual lunch that seems to be the problem, as all they want now are white bread sandwiches.
And I don’t really know if it is reasonable to have things like rice pudding in the house and not give any to kids at all. I don’t want them to start thinking about food as good or bad (and thus forbidden). I want them to think of food as healthy and ‘treats in moderation’. But if AP is supposed to model the behavior for kids, then how can I explain the badness (un-healthiness) of white bread and rice with pasta if that is what she eats daily. She also eats her dinners with kids and how can I explain to a 4 and 6 year older why she can these things and they cannot when they eat together?
For kids that age, “let’s see how many colors we can put on our plate” is a generally well-received approach. The more colors food has, the generally more healthy it is, especially the way your family eats.
Oh boy, Maya, I know exactly what you are dealing with! It’s very complex, these food issues.
You have an important lever — your husband’s medical condition. Be shameless about using it. It’s relevant to the kids because you want them to learn healthy eating habits since they are also at risk for developing the disease.
I once brought home library books about nutrition, hoping the AP would absorb some key concepts while reading them to the kids. Sort of worked, but not as well as I had hoped.
I LOVE the “one from column A, B, C” idea, and may steal it. It is also a teaching aid for the kids, and you can give the AP “political cover” that way. Have her get the kids to pick what they want in their lunches, negotiatble as long as it fits the ‘food group’. I wonder if the homeschool/ educational supplies places have posters and stickers that would be helpful. You could plaster a big colorful chart on the fridge itsefl.
I don’t pack my kids’ lunches, but I am the one who puts leftovers away at night, so if there’s something I want to be sure my kid gets, I put it in a small container and slap a sticky notes on it that says “for X’s lunch’. Then the AP just fills in with carrot sticks or whatever and a drink.
As for explaining to a 4 yo and 6 yo why what the AP chooses to eat is not good, you got me by the tail! We don’t want to undermine them, but we want to teach them, and the kids, too. I have been known to do things like observe that a friend’s mom is riding a bike without a helmet, and while that’s okay in her family, in our family we ALL always wear helmets (her toddler’s helmet was completely improperly worn, too, but I left that out — you don’t want your kids lecturing other people!). You could perhaps do something like that with nutrition that doesn’t totally undermine her, but lets your kids know that you expect them to eat foods from all different groups. When I was a child I once lectured my mom’s best friend about the evils of smoking, and she surprised me by saying “you know what, you’re right, and I really wish that I could quit. I’m really glad that you know not to start” or something to that effect. Made an impression on me!
I will confess to a couple sneaky things I’ve discovered — Whole Foods is now making spelt bread that looks and tastes like regular white bread, but has some protein in it, at least. They also have a ‘soft wheat’ that is squishy, but has a little bit of whole grain. My last AP would eat those. I’ve also been known to just let the AP run out of bread for a few days…
But the pasta with a side of rice thing is out of control!
OH — I bet part of what’s going on here is she’s having a hard time with boundaries! The kids are whining and wheedling for white bread, and she wants them to like her. Maybe you can find a way to reward the kids for not asking for it. A sticker chart for each meal they eat that has more than one color in it? You need to look for other ways you can help your AP learn to set firm boundaries, as well. How long has she been with you?
Comment about feeding kids and update on AP status
I feel your pain about nutrition. Previous AP bragged about her cooking skills, but fed our 15 month old macaroni and ketchup. She also thought that sour cream was appropriate as a main dish. Yes, my baby was eating macaroni and ketchup with a half cup of sour cream for lunch!
I almost passed out from shock, but then had to laugh. This young lady had no clue about cooking or nutrition, but had the bravado of a sous chef when we discussed what to feed Little One.
Bottom line is you have to make menu lists. I had sample meals listed. I wrote out lists according to food groups so she could substitute. Even then, she couldn’t understand the nutritional difference between milk and (sour)cream and would make very liberal substitutions.
Update: AP left on Wednesday. It all turned out OK, I suppose. Turns out their ranting about “you signed a contract” meant nothing because the agency terminated the contract when they provided the refund (almost two weeks early). Once we made it clear to regional that we weren’t gong to be bullied, they mobilized quickly.
I almost felt sorry for the AP. I told her I thought it was unfair that they would deprive her the chance to make money while she waited to be placed. I paid her for the days she worked and made sure she said good bye to Little One. But as much as I feel compassion for her, it would have driven us nuts to have her hanging out and not working for a month.
She’s spending a week with a local AP and host family and then will stay until April 6th with the CC before heading off to her next family.
Now that it’s over, it cracks me up. The agency thought they could pull the rug out from under us by prematurely terminating the contract and then expect us to keep a nonworking AP vacationing in our home for a month!
The final chapter will be filing a complaint about how the agency deals with smoking APs. The agency refused to change her application to smoking when we discovered her smoking “full flavor” Camels. They said she’d be given a warning. We know for sure that nobody will volunteer that she smoked. Of course, they didn’t let any potential host families talk to us.
Let that be a cautionary tale to all….
Jennifer, as they say, all’s well that ends well. I am glad your situation is over and thank you for update.
If you don’t mind, I do have a question regarding something you said. You said “This young lady had no clue about cooking or nutrition, but had the bravado of a sous chef when we discussed what to feed Little One.”. Can you please elaborate what exactly have you discussed with her and what would you have done differently based on your experience? Have you asked her specifically what meals she can prepare? What she thinks are appropriate child meals? What do you think would be good questions to ask in that regard to get a really good understanding of what au pairs nutritional values are?
I would welcome comments from everybody regarding this.
Thanks
Jennifer, please tell us what agency is this that would rematch such an au pair… so if any of us are with it we can beware…
Well, APIA rematched a girl from a Baltic country who should have been sent right back home. Not only for smoking, which she did — even asked me to drive her to 7-11 for a phone card immediately on arrival, but it was really for cigs! — but also because she didn’t like kids. She was using the program to get back to a boyfriend she had met in Chicago a year before through a McDonald’s sponsored visa program. Watch for girls who have lived in Chicago already — sounds like a great deal because they know the states, but not so much….
Jennifer
you’re going to have a much more relaxing weekend and trip! Glad it’s behind you. I think you said you had decided to leave AP’ing? I must say that I think I would be much less comfortable with an AP if I only had younger kids. That said, I know lots of people do fine with them, and there are amazing infant-qualified APs out there, but since I do work outside of our home, knowing that my kid is able to share info about anything that’s hinky is quite reassuring. For example, I’m thinking of the time my 4 yo said “Guess what, mom! We got locked outside today, and I got to go in through the window and unlock the door!” You kind of want to know such things, even though I myself have been locked out of cars and houses more than once with the kids in tow…. it’s not a judgment on our AP, it’s just something I am glad to know and a 15 month old just can’t be a little reality check on things for you the way an older kid can. I can figure out exactly whose house they were at, which park, and who they played with, and what kind of junk food they ate (well, within a certain scope of accuracy, of course! “today” might really mean two weeks ago, after all!) .
thanks for sharing what finally happened. We have found that usually, in disputes, the agencies bow to what the hosts need to have happen. I did read one contract — I think it was cultural care, the one based in SF, anyway — that was clearly written to protect the agency, and seemed pretty iron clad. We are with APIA and haven’t had major dissatisfaction (knock wood!).
Jennifer & Calif. Mom:
I agree with your comments, and am glad that APIA has the “requirement” that prospective host parents speak with the current HPs when considering an extension or rematch AP. (Although the current HPs of our recent AP never did call us, even though advised to do so by the LCC because of some concerns; hope they’re willing to put up with a lot more deficiencies than we were, or they’re not going to be too happy!)
Another question for anyone who may have had a similar experience:
What happens when your AP arrives and you discover that her Visa was issued two months before you actually matched with her? Seems she was matched, but then the Visa wasn’t approved by the US consulate in her country and the other family couldn’t wait, so they matched with someone else…meanwhile, she re-applied and was approved without technically having a family? This all sounds weird to me, but I’m concerned mainly that we won’t get our full year (again) and will have to be interviewing over the Christmas holidays (again). I will eventually check with APIA and our LCC, but wanted to see if anyone out there has had this happen – maybe it’s more common than I think, and the Dept. of State will somehow arrange for her to stay until the date that she actually arrived…I don’t need to worry about this in the midst of training her and while she’s adjusting. She has been here only one week and is soooo homesick. Thanks for any input.
To Mom of 2 girls
The background sounds different from what you think. Evidently, the aupairs was matched with a family, all the paperwork was done, visa was obtained from the US embassy in her homecountry. Her host family must have backed out. Reason is unknown to me of course. The agency obviously tried to match her again, and found another host family for her. Not really a reason to be alarmed. Possible reasons for the first host family backing out, especially in this ecomony are that the host dad or host mom lost her job. They moved close to grandparents, etc. Sometimes host families change their mind after all has been said and done already.
Homesickness: tell her that all aupairs get homesick, it’s part of being an aupair. She will feel better in another 2 weeks. Help her to meet other aupairs, meet young Americans, get her socially active. Tell her about family vacations you are planning. In another 6 months you’ll laugh about her homesickness.
I need advice about car usage for our au pair. Our au pair has been with us for a little over 7 weeks now. She is doing a great job and has really blended well with our family. Part of her duties (driving) are to drop-off/pick-up our children from school 3 days a week & take them to a set weekly palydate. She is a good driver and we haven’t had any problems.
We have been completely flexible with personal usage of either of our cars, but I feel like this priviledge is being a bit over used and need some advise.
A few details:
Our au pair is currently taking her first class ( to fulfill her education requirement), so of course she has usage of a car for this. She needs to travel 112 miles (roundtrip) for her class once a week, but also goes to some local churches 4 nights a week for ESOL classes (about 20 miles roundtrip for each), used a car to go to the gym every day on her break (about 6 miles roundtrip), and also uses a car several times a week to visit with friends, go to the mall, etc. on her days off.
Here is my dilemma, she is putting a lot of miles on the car weekly for personal/social usage and I am constantly getting in the car with a 1/4 to almost empty tank each time (I fill the car up at the beginning of every week).
We want her to feel comfortable and be able to socialize, etc., but every single day of using a car is getting to be a bit much.
Also, my husband travels a lot for his job, so there are many times when there is just one car here and if she is using it, I am homebound with the children.
Can anyone help me with some “fair” limits for car usage? I really want to be fair and don’t want to be a monster about it, but I’m also concernd about the wear & tear on our cars. I feel like I have a teenager in the house!
I think the simplest thing to start with, is to have her ask your permission every time she wants to take a car. It makes sense especially because there is no specially designated “au pair car”, but you only have two cars, yours and your husband’s. So, the rule is – if the car is home, you can’t take it and go. The usage priority is the parent’s, and you have to first ask if they need it and if they mind you taking it, and you have a full right to give conditional permissions – i.e. she can use it but has to bring it home by hour X.
As to gas, asking her to pay for personal gas usage is normal. You are not obligated to pay for that. You might want to help out if you live in the boonies, but its totally optional and is a perk. I don’t ask my au pair to pay for personal gas usage, but she uses the car very little, and never has to go very far (we live in a very lively and well -connected area). We also just have to cars – mine and my husband’s, and she always asks.
i’m with anna, you should talk to your ap about the car use. especially when you need the car as well. if you establish an “ask before use” policy i think all sides should be clear about each other’s plans and needs.
if she is so busy socially (which is great to some extent) then maybe she can be picked up by one of her friends from time to time.
We’re having a similar issue with car use right now…our au pair has been with us for a few weeks and is behaving as if the car is hers. We’ve asked her to ask us first before using the car, but will need to reinforce this. We found with previous au pairs that if you don’t control the car use right away it becomes an entitlement and then correcting the behavior becomes a “big issue.” We also ask our au pair to keep a log of miles driven and then to put in gas when she goes a certain number of miles. Worked ok with an organized au pair, but I’m not sure our current au pair has even written anything down.
Thank you for your responses, it really helps! I sat down with our au pair tonight and discussed the car usage. We went over her current routine of car usage and discussed mileage, etc. She was a little defensive in the beginning because two of the girls she has befriended in our cluster have their own cars and two of her friends from her country who arrived when she did (also au pairs in the area) also have their own cars. She is under the impression that they don’t have any limits, etc. I have no idea! She also told me that ALL au pairs that she knows are given their own car. Anyway, instead of having to keep track of all of her mileage, we came to the agreement that she can just pay x amount of money each week for gas based on her current usage, and when/if that changes we can definitely revisit the issue. We also decided that if there is only one car here, she needs to find another mode of transportation (i.e. friend, etc.) so there is always a car here for emergencies or for me or my husband to be able to take the children out.
I talked to our LCC to brainstorm about it. She is going to chat with our au pair about how car usage is a priviledge and not a given.
We don’t live in the boony’s, but you do need a car to get to places in our area. All of the shopping malls, YMCA, etc. are within 3 to 8 miles from our house, so nothing is very far.
We have also established an “ask before you use the car” rule, so hopefully, that will help. I did ask her to try to give us some notice if she is going to want to use the car for a special outing, etc. because she is currently just coming down the stairs when she’s about to leave and asking for car keys without any notice. I had to say no today and she got really frustrated. I don’t think she has any concept of how expensive cars are (we have an SUV & a minivan because we have 4 kids) or how expensive car insurance is, especially when you add a foreign driver. She doesn’t come from a poor family and had her own car in her country, so I think the having to have rules about car usage is annoying to her.
Anyway, wish us luck and thank you again for all of your responses!!
Momof4, would you please get in touch with me, by emailing me at cvharquail@gmail.com (aka mom@aupairmom) thanks!!
To Mom of 4
Regarding the educational component. Please keep in mind that a total of 6 credit hours at a POST SECONDARY school, an accredited school is required. ESL classes at churches do not qualify for the educational component. You are not to pay more than a total of $500. Most Au Pair agencies equate 6 credit hours with around 75 – 80 hours in a classroom with a textbook.
Regarding the car. All host families should set the rules for the use of the car and everything else in advance and present a list of rules to the Au Pair in the beginning, or better during the matching process already. This sort of thing that happened to Mom of 4 and E2 is common. Au Pairs easily get the sense of entitlement if you don’t set the rules in advance. You don’t need to feel bad about not having a designated Au Pair car. Around 50% of my host families don’t. The other 50% of Au Pairs get access to host mom or dad’s car.
Summer au pairs. We’ve had an AP for three years, since our daughter was two. Now that she will start elementary school, we will make do with the school’s aftercare program, but still might be interested in an AP for some summers. Our added incentive is bilingualism – both of our au pairs were pre-matches from the country whose language we are teaching our daughter as her second language.
Who has had experience with summer AP programs? Which agencies offer them? How do you deal with the educational component? Any other pros/cons of having an official au pair for such a short period of time (expectations etc)
@ Mom of 4 and E2: it is true that setting up rules for the car after the au pair has been in the home for some time and had freedom of usage will put some strain on the relationship. yes, having a car is a privilege not a given, however, if there were no rules before, the circumstance of having such easy access to a car can easily be taken as given.
and from the point of view of an au pair it might feel like being “lured” into a match, with the car dangling as a carrot, and suddenly, there are rules and limits.
for your next match, i would already make the rules clear during the matching process. if you don’t want to seem too strict, explain why you set these rules. for example, my first family had a curfew on the car (not for me though) . they explained this with the over-usage of the previous au pair who took the car over night without letting the family know where the car would be parked etc.
that makes it easier for the future au pair to understand where your limits are regarding car usage. once the AP is in your family and proves to be reliable, rules might change.
as for now, making the rules clear is all you can do, i think.
OK, I have a rant here. How the heck do you deal with a 25-year-old au pair who gets hysterical when you are trying to have a meeting with her to tell her that she has been feeding your children crap contrarily to your specific instruction and two prior discussions on this topic? And when I say hysterical, I mean, red in the face, heaving, wheezing, tears rolling down the face, cannot talk because cannot take a full breath, hysterical. Basically, picture a 3 year old who has just been told that he cannot have another cookie. Oh, and this is the third display of hysterics that my husband and I have had to deal with since January.
And here is the kicker: after she agrees that yes, she should follow our instruction, and yes, it is not right to through food away because she was not feeding kids the right food that I have prepared, and yes, she will fix it, she tells us that she is not comfortable here with us, but would not tell us why. She said she will think about it and send us an email tomorrow telling us why she is not comfortable. Sheesh!
Any ideas on what to do next?
Thank you again for all the great advice. We made sure to include car usage rules in a manual when our au pair arrived and also covered car usage before her arrival. I even sat down with our au pair on two separate occasions and covered every single page of the manual with her, had her sign the car usage rules (included info about her financial responsibility if she is in an accident, etc.), yet I am still having to reiterate car stuff over and over again. I know au pairs have difficulty with the language barrier and went through her dictionary with her whenever we came across a word in the manual she did not understand so everything was as clear as possible. She is really stuck on the fact that most of the girls she has befriended have their own cars and the freedom it brings. Other than that, I don’t know what else to do. I’m hoping this will not be a continuous issue. She’s really great with the kids and after a not so fantastic experience with our first au pair (was with us for 4 months), I’m so over the drama of the experience we’ve had with 20 something au pairs that act like teenagers!
Counselor, yes, I am aware of our financial responsibility for the educational component. Our au pair is attending an accredited school for her first 3 hrs, but really wants to work on her English and has chosen to also take advantage of all of the free ESL classes available in our area. Unfortunately, both the University & the College in our town do not offer English as a Second Language classes for credit and has expressed that she doesn’t want to take just any ol’ class to satisfy her education requirement, so this is why she travels an hour away, 1 day a week for school. She also stated that since her English isn’t as good as she’d like, she wouldn’t understand anything in a History, or any other type of class offered at the University.
@ Mom of 2 girls — Those stamps inside visas are sometimes a couple months SOONER than the AP actually traveled to the U.S. This is something to watch for if your AP is planning to travel out of the U.S. , because they have to be back in the states before the one-year anniversary of that visa stamp date — NOT their actual arrival date in the states.
Now that we’re settled in I thought I’d update on our situation.
To Maya- yes, according to AP she was a fabulous cook who cooked for two children Little One’s age and cooked for her family. She understood about dangerous foods (nuts, honey, egg whites, and choking hazards), so I believed her. Turns out she had strange beliefs about cooking. I did a pot roast in the crock pot and she about got sick. She stated ingredients must be cooked separately and put together at the end right before serving! She had no tolerance for any spicing, not even salt. (That’s why I guess ketchup was considered a sauce!) For dinner we ended up modifying a portion of what we made to be able to include her. She eventually ate pizza and tried bland Mexican, but was limited in not just her cooking skills, but her palate
I would have had her make in front of me all the off-list things she wanted to feed Little One before.. Otherwise she would have to stick with the menus I had made out.
Anonymous Mom, we went with Euraupair on the suggestion of a mom who had 8 APs. This lady was really gung ho on German APs, ( they speak English and drive very well) and Euraupair is 75% German, 10% French and 15% the rest of the world. From September to March, we had 3 APs for a total of 3.5 months of childcare.
The first was from Denmark and stayed two weeks. She admitted right before she came that she had a boyfriend, but insisted it wouldn’t be a problem. She was great with the baby, but didn’t like the other AP’s, was afraid to drive, and was actively bulimic. She left for home with 24 hours notice when her boyfriend broke up with her on email.
We rematched with a German AP who stayed 1 month. The agency refused to let us talk to the HF , saying they didn’t want to talk. She came from a HF with three kids and had alot of responsibility, so she vacationed when she got to our home. Refused to get a license (” I don’t want to take another test”), took over the computer, and the Tivo, ate us out of house and home and neglected the baby. Neglected as in fed Little One a handful of crackers and a banana over a 7 hour period, didn’t check or change diapers (felt every two hours was excessive) and never (not even once) brushed the baby’s teeth. I had written guidelines outlining all her duties, but then changed it to an hour by hour schedule. Once the CC was brought in and we all went over the hour by hour schedule, AP decided to go back home because she was tired of Americans.
The third AP’s story is listed in here already.
We decided to not have another AP for a number of reasons. First, I work part-time at best, so we rarely needed an AP for more than 20-25 hours. Plus, I really like being with my Little One, and had to work extra hard to make sure the AP was on the same page with how to work with her. It’s a crucial age and we got leery about having to train yet another AP.
Having just one pre-verbal infant and not alot of responsibility lends itself to boredom, homesickness and slacking off on what’s required. Finding a good balance between being engaged with baby, and being able to fill the 3-4 hours she spends napping was tough.
Third, where we live is in the heart of suburbia with very little to do. There are a couple of parks and a strip mall within walking distance, but it’s nothing that interesting. I think it is a big shock to come to our house and have to travel 45 minutes to get to the cool, European influenced walking/shopping areas. There is alot of highway driving involved. Public transit is pretty good, but it takes some effort and coordination our APs didn’t have or want to have.
And frankly, we’re tired of adolescent behavior. My husband is very laid back and doesn’t like having to set limits and parent a teen. We put in alot of work in being welcoming and trying to help with the adjustment, but found the hurdles involved were bigger than we were.
Would we do it again in the future? Maybe, when the baby is older and
when/if I work more.
What would we do differently? Alot. We’d definitely go with another agency. We’d match in the summer, to make sure AP is driving, enrolled in classes and settled in socially. There is an “AP season”. Missing the window makes it harder to build friendships with other APs. APs can be clique-ish.
Even though I doubt I would have an AP drive my child, driving would be required. For our APs, refusal to drive was also symptomatic of a fear of the unknown and having insufficient coping skills.
I don’t want to scare anyone off. There are many wonderful APs out there I am sure. We just never got a good match.
I am a first time host mom and I can definitely relate to what Jennifer wrote. My first and probably last AP arrived last summer and we still have four more months to go. We have had a few issues here and there but overall, we were able to manage it and have a smooth relationship. The main problem is lack of initiative, motivation and introversion I see in my AP. She is 23 years old but maturity definitely is lacking. I could go on and on about aspects of her behavior that I’d wish would change but I have given up. After finding out many phone international calls made during work hours that would sometimes go over 1 hour, I have decided to pick my battles and just let these months go by. I guess this is her attitude, she is just waiting for time to go by with a minimum effort rule. I don’t consider the experience terrible since my daughter picked up a few words in a foreign language but unfortunately, counting on the AP to apply your rules regarding mental and physical stimulation is utopic. (My AP just stands or sits and watches while my toddler is playing with a ball). Also, I have come to the conclusion that what she writes on the diary might not reflect exactly what was done during the day, while I was at work… Anyways, I really don’t think I will go this route again. It served a purpose so that I could study in the evenings to take my bar exam but after my AP leaves I could totally do this relying on the preschool that my daughter already attends and a small child care place she has attended since she was 2. I will definitely enjoy my end of the afternoons and my evenings with my daughter! I know we should never say never, but for now, I don’t think I’d consider having another AP again. Good luck to all of you! And, thank you for creating aupairmom.com. It is wonderful! I wish I had found it before!
@ Calif Mom
Thanks – that was one of my concerns! This topic is on my list to discuss with our LCC, who is supposed to be contacting us for the “2-week” home visit, but today is the anniv. of our AP’s arrival, and we’ve yet to hear from her regarding when she’s planning to come! For our last, re-matched AP, we never got a visit, she hardly ever was in touch about anything, and for any problems or issues, would only speak with the AP and never heard our side of the story. (Needless to say, we’re not thrilled with the level of service we’ve been receiving, and if we decide to continue with this program, we’ll definitely be switching agencies next year, since we almost did so during our search this time, as we weren’t getting any help or good candidates from the coordinators.
Mom of 2 Girls, I had a similar experience with a less-than-satisfactory LCC with our agency a few years ago, and ended up switching agencies as you are planning to do. It was definitely a good move! I don’t know if you’ve decided on what agency you’ll work with yet (if you decide to continue hosting APs), but my suggestion is to contact all of the agencies that operate in your area and ask for references from current and/or former host families so that you can contact them and ask specific questions about the responsiveness and support they get from the LCC. IMHO, the agencies are all fairly similar on a “macro” level, so the thing that can make or break your experience is the quality (or lack thereof) of their LOCAL representative(s).
Oops, one more thing I wanted to mention regarding switching agencies — if you do, be sure to ask the new agency whether they will give you a discount equivalent to what you would have gotten as a “repeat family discount” with the former agency. Mine did. (I switched from EurAupair to Cultural Care.)
AuPairCare doesn’t match the discount. I switched to them for next year, and asked for it, and their attitude was “we are the cream of the crop so be happy you are with us now even if it costs you thousands of dollars, more, there is a good reason, you switched after all, didn’t you?”
This was after I already matched with an au pair with them. Of course NOW I cannot switch back! But next year I will. Truly horrible customer service in the main office.
FirstTimeHostMom,
I am sorry your au pair experience was horrible.
I was lucky to have a great au pair the first time, and even though the second year was much bumpier, it showed me how great the program can be.
I think if you had the right experience before, you would put your current au pair in rematch almost right away. Talking on the phone for hours while on the job is reason enough, lying on the report sheets alone is reason enough, not changing her behavior after your working with her on that is reason enough. This is not how it is supposed to be! Also, hate to sound prejudiced, but I suspect I know what country(ies) your au pair is from, I am not making this mistake again either. There are good girls everywhere, but for some areas of the world your chances are much slimmer. And “buying” your experience and even buying the driver’s license is way common. It doesn’t sound like your au pair is experienced in childcare at all.
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