Comments on: Need Some Advice?

By: Europhile

Europhile — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 23:51:01 +0000

Conflicted — indeed, lots of material for conflict. I agree overall with the others, and this might end up in rematch.

My philosophy is that we are happy to work with our AP to make her happy and appreciated and believe a LOT in give and take. However, we set out the basic framework in the beginning. And so did you — this included car use and what you eat. I wouldn’t budge on these items. Once you start giving way, it might never stop. As far as the au pair visitor is concerned, I would probably be inclined to be a bit more lenient, above all in the light of the other (overall bigger) issues. However, she has to work on her tone…. I like to bring up stuff like this immediately. No need to eat it all up and get frustrated. Again, you got her to make your life easier, not harder. Best of luck.

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By: conflicted

conflicted — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 21:10:19 +0000

Thanks to all of you for the input. Oddly, as for the friend/ other au pair staying for a few days, it was our LCC that evidently suggested it to our au pair. It was sort of a – oh, so and so doesn’t have much to do this week, why don’t you hang out with your friend (our au pair) for a few days? Our LCC has apologized to me for putting us in this position, but its a little unfortunate given the other “tension.” And, while this other au pair may be wonderful, I don’t know her. Ugh!!!! Again, thanks for all the responses.

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By: CS Nanny

CS Nanny — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 21:08:46 +0000

I am a live-in nanny, and was placed on a special diet from my doctor. I do not expect my employer to purchase special food for me. Instead, I eat what is in the house, and I also supplement my meals by buying my own food. I simply label what is mine, and no one else eats it.

You should not buy her separate food (unless you are a vegetarian, etc) or prepare her special meals. I would suggest telling her that she is welcome to buy her own food, label it, and you will make sure no one eats it. As for the car, it is simply ludicrous for her to suggest that you *just* buy another car. As someone else suggested, tighten the reigns on the car use for a bit, and then remind her that you are not obligated to provide her with a car. And I would NEVER think of telling my own mother that a random person whom she hadn’t met would be staying in her home, let alone my employers. And that the person would be taking care of the kids. That is just insane. Tell her no, and make sure she understands that while this is her home too, overnight guests must be approved beforehand, unless it’s a good friend or something.

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By: Gianna

Gianna — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 20:33:04 +0000

Conflicted-
I’d suggest taking a quiet moment privately and reading your contract. The contract may state that an aupair cannot have long term guests. I’ve read lots of agency contracts and some state this very clearly. Now, if things were going well,
you might enjoy having her mother or sister visit but in this case you are being imposed upon and pressured. My experience is that the agencies can look the other way on stuff like this if it isn’t a problem but if it is a problem, you can blame it on the agency. The LCC can tell the aupairs if you find that easier.
Or, you can say that you talked to your agency and they told you that you may not do it. You can call corporate if you want to have that as backup.
Personally, I would address this issue first because it could easily become such an aggravation and expense. I am very curious about how the LCC has addressed this until now. Did she have any constructive ideas about how to handle things ?
If you read your contract, you may find that the matter of an unwelcome guest is
very easily handled and doesn’t require alot of creativity – just gumption on the part of the LCC. I have a suspician that not all LCC have carefully read their agency contracts, either . What does the LCC actually say about all of this ?

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By: Firts Time HP

Firts Time HP — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 20:30:16 +0000

I’ve dealt with some of this as well but not as bad as you seen to be experiencing. The entitlement piece is something I struggle with and my best advice is to be honest and straightforward. Seems like there is a belief that host families must have lots of money and if so why not just go out and buy another car? Now I wouldn’t go into a lot of detail but to say that buying a third car isn’t an option due to finances.
Regarding the food, I wouldn’t recommend a food allowance because it would be hard to monitor what she is eating of hers versus yours and will likely lead to another area of contention. Our AP ended up not eating many meals with us, our view is we make a decent meal each night and its there if she wants it. We buy enough for the whole family and she is welcome to make whatever she wants for herself but with just a few minor exceptions we don’t buy stuff specifically for her.
I hope you don’t end in rematch but the sulking behavior might lead you there as she doesn’t seem to be mature enough to deal with the issues and would rather pout about them.

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By: HRHM

HRHM — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 20:19:36 +0000

I agree with Hula Gal – lots of red flags with this one. With regard to the car, you are going to have a hard time if you start making concessions. This is a slippery slope and you don’t want to go there. My inclination would actually be to TIGHTEN her use for a few weeks, so she is reminded that it is not her right, but a privelege. Perhaps then she will be more appreciative.

As for the friend staying over, I again would say no. I would tell her that if she wants to invite guests from out of town, #1 it has to be only on a weekend and only if she’s not scheduled to work that weekend #2 there has to be at least 3x the number of days prior to the arrival to submit the REQUEST (not TELL you) So at least 3 days for an overnight, a week for 2 nights.

The food is a little dicier. If you are vegetarians and she’s not, you do need to provide her with meat even if you don’t eat it. It doesn’t have to be filet mignon, some chicken breasts and pork chops ought to do, but you’re under no obligation to cook special meals for her. If there’s fruit/veg in the house, but she wants organic, she can buy it with her own money. I warn my APs in advance that I won’t be buying their starbucks grind, red bull cans, hagen daz with my money. They can use what we have at home, or get their own. I wouldn’t give her extra stipend for her food because she will still be using/eating a substantial amount of your stuff (she’s not gonna buy separate condiments, spices, etc) and it will just anger and frustrate you and validate her entitlement.

It does sound like you are headed toward a rematch. Trust me, I had one of these and stuck it out and I really wish I had just bit the bullet and done it early. Good luck.

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By: conflicted...

conflicted... — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 19:56:17 +0000

Thanks for your reply- its uncomfortable to second-guess your gut instinct, so I really appreciate the thoughts!

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By: Hula Gal

Hula Gal — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 18:55:31 +0000

This may become its own blog post or others may refer you to previous posts on this topic. But you might be looking for some quick responses and here is mine. I’ve been in your position and I rematched. You could start by being more firm and direct with her by making it clear that she needs to ask permission. You can begin this by just telling her that her friend cannot stay over at your home. It is within your right to do this. If she takes the car out and doesn’t bring it home when she was supposed to you can call her and tell her she needs to come home with the car immediately or she is not to use the car again for personal use. If you haven’t involved your LCC/AD now is the time. Document everything in emails. It doesn’t sound like you think she is a stellar au pair so I see no reason to not start moving towards rematch. The entitlement thing is a real problem for me, especially when they know in advance what the setup is. It is a serious sign of a lack of maturity. Since my first two au pairs that did not work, out I’ve just completed a successful year with one and am starting another year with a new au pair. She will be great too! It’s worth it to try to find someone better that makes your life easy, such as they should! Good luck to you!

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By: ConflictedHostMomof2inSoCal

ConflictedHostMomof2inSoCal — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 18:04:42 +0000

Hi all, I am new to this site but am so impressed with all of the great ideas/ advice everyone seems to have. We are sort of at a crossroads with our current au pair and are trying to determine whether we just need to suggest rematch- I feel desperately in need of input from those that have been in this position.
This is our second au pair, our first stayed a full year and extended for 9 months. Of course, as with any au pair, there were issues, but nothing we couldnt navigate.
Now, 3 months into our match with our new and current au pair, some issues that started off as trivial are beginning to take their toll. My husband and I work full time and our au pair is responsible for our 2 children- 2 and and 4 years old. (Our four year old goes to preschool 3 full days per week.)
Before I hired our au pair, she and I candidly discussed car use and dietary issues.
She does not have her own car, rather she shares my car with me. She typically gets the car 4 days per week while I’m at work to take the kids out or do her own errands, in the evenings once I get home to go to the gym, etc, and on the weekends in the morning before I need it for activities with the children, again in the afternoon when we return with the children and at night. Lately, she has expressed discontent at not having the car for entire weekend days or overnite. Strangely, it is an issue that started out small and trivial, but that has evolved into a constant stuggle. Generally, she will announce that “she is going out” rather than ask permission for car use and has been very sullen about having to return the car for our use. (As an aside, we place a curfew on the car of 11PM during the week and midnight on the weekends- I dont care if she wants to spend the night out, she just cant do it with my car.)
We also ask that she carry the cell phone we provided her whenever she is taking the car, for emergencies and the like. Further, we often ask where she will be going with the car. Evidently, these are are insults to her independence and we have been met with sulky responses.
She has inquired into whether we would buy a car for her use. And, while we have talked about it, we’re reaching the point where concessions and perks such as this make me feel a little resentful- not a great mix in the relationship.
The other main issue is dietary. Prior to hiring her, we chatted about what I typically cook for the family. This was a non-issue, with everyone typically participating in meals until she elected to go on an all protien diet about a month ago.
She has begun buying her own food on a near daily basis, while relying on some of our staples (though this is diminishing). She prefers organic, good quality food (who doesn’t?) and it is very expensive. I typically make what I think is very healthy fare, keep some protein options in the fridge/ freezer for lunches so she doesnt have to eat chicken nuggets along with cut fruit, veggies, yogurt, etc. She has expressed concern that this is not enough, we are to be paying for her food, etc. I feel as though I am to take into account (within reason) portion sizes, preferences (again within reason) and come up with a dinner all can eat while maintaing healthy foods for breakfast and lunches. I do not feel its my responsiblity to support a newly acquired diet. I have tried various options such as asking her to let me know which items she needs and, if it is something my family eats as well, I’ll pick it up. If it’s something only she will be using, I feel that’s something she needs to purchase. I certainly dont want her to go hungry but my running to the store 4-5 days per week is just not an option for me.
We have considered the option of simply providing her a food allowance by dividing the adult food budget by 3- there are 3 adults- and simply paying her a weekly stpiend to buy what she needs. This would mean that, unless she runs out of something, she’s on her own with food. (Which, by the way, she eats a substantial amount of food).
Even as I’m writing this, I’m wondering what trivial and what is simply getting blown out of proportion. And, I have no reference point for when the match is just not a good one. She is sweet and mild mannered with the children. Not stellar in terms of activities and creativity, but nothing nearly as serious as safety issues (aside from not remembering cell phone) or distrust. Her english is very good, so I am not worried about some sort of language barrier.
I guess after all my rambling, when do you know that the relationship is not salvageable? It’s my impression that once the parties start to feel resentful or withdrawn, it is very hard to fix. My fear is that we start to make concessions to keep her happy and then it is difficult to determine if that’s the last of the demands or if there will be more. And more. I guess I am put off by what I percieve as a sense of entitlement.
As an aside, she returned from a cluster meeting and announced that an au pair (whom I’ve never met) would be coming out to stay for a few days while that other au pair was on vacation. I again bristled at the “I am going to…” when I’ve never met this other girl and certainly dont want a stranger taking care of my kids. We explained we would at least need to meet this other au pair and were met with sulky behavior (again).
She’s a nice person but I’m just not sure how to address something so fundamental so as to make all happy. We’ve talked to each other, our conselor and have no clear answer short of the ideas I mentioned above. I am so conflicted with this and really would appreciate any input you might have.

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By: HRHM

HRHM — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 08:25:30 +0000

Here’s the real question – is there a reason you care? If she is doing a good job, not breaking the rules/curfew, showing up to work on time and ready to go that should do the trick. I remember when I was 19 and home from college for the summer, I never slept at home on the weekend. Could be she has a secret boyfriend, could be the sleeping in thing, could be she’s afraid that you’ll ask her to do something “work-related” if she’s hanging around, could be she’s just needing some time away from the family after spending all week immersed. Also, it could be that they’re getting drunk and/or high and it’s easier to not get caught by the other host family. either way, as long as she’s doing a great job and is pleasant to be with when she’s there, don’t take it personally.

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