Need Some Advice?
We’d love to be able to target this blog to exactly what’s on your mind now . So, if there is a topic, an issue or a question that you’d like us to address on AuPairMom — just send me an email! Tell me what you want to know, and I’ll turn it around into a post that should trigger some ideas from other readers.
- Please, read this whole page before you send a request.
And, please don’t drop your request into the comments on a post about something completely different. When folks do that, the conversation gets twisted up, and it becomes really difficult for other readers to find, comment on and share your concerns.
We Au Pair Moms (and Dads) get pretty excited to offer advice….
Sometimes Moms & Dads will add their advice in the comments, below, before we can even get your question up as its own post. When responses start to get tangled in the comments, we will often move them from this page to the post set up specifically for your topic. Moms with advice, be patient <grin>. The parents, counselors, au pairs, former au pairs, and interested folks who contribute their comments, suggestions, and insights are by and large a caring and thoughtful group. I am amazed sometimes by what folks share with each other here, just out of their own belief that having an au pair and being a good host parent is important .
1. Read Before You Write…
Before you actually compose your question, check the rest of the blog for posts with similar topics.
2. Use the categories, tag cloud, search box and page of “previous posts” to see what we’ve already talked about. Then, tailor your request for advice based on the questions that remain UN answered. That way, we won’t have 2,347 requests for information about Au Pair Handbooks, but instead will get one targeted request for Handbook Pages and Guidelines that address, oh, when your neighbor calls because you au pair is sunbathing in your backyard, topless. Yes, it happened.
3. Be Patient… so that we can get you the advice you want/need…
Sometimes it will take a day or two or three before it shows up as a post of its own. We try to capture your request and then set it up for a blog post, rather than leave it on this page in the list of comments, so that your request gets the attention it deserves.
4. Use the Skribit Box to suggest a general topic.
Consider using the “suggest a topic” box on the right sidebar, if you don’t need advice but do want to talk about something in particular.
5. Give us enough information to help you.
We’ve discovered that it helps for other readers to have some basic information about your au pair situation, regardless of the particular issue you want some advice about. So, please be sure to include in your email this kind of information, where it’s relevant:
Tell us:
- How long your au pair has been with you
- Your au pair’s age, language ability, home country
- How many children you have, and their ages
- Whether you work out of the home, in the home, full-time, part-time
- Your previous experience with au pairs (Have you had one before? Did the issue come up with that au pair?)
- Whether or not you like your au pair as a person (this matters a LOT to the advice other moms will give you)
- Whether your au pair has a good relationship with your children and your other host parent-partner
- What you have already tried.
6. And, remember to satisfy our curiosity and help us learn too. Come back and tell us what happened! Tell us what you tried, what worked, what didn’t, what you learned, etc. Help us share wisdom by sharing back ‘the rest of the story’.
Send me an email at Mom@AuPairMom.com — now that we know this works! I have also turned off the comments on this particular page, so that I can do better job attaching comments to requests for advice.
Update March 2, 2010: I have removed the Skribit feature b/c someone was using it in unpleasant ways. Now, there are two ways to propose a topic or get advice–
1. Just email me (as per above). I can keep any info confidential that you want kept confidential. THIS IS THE BEST METHOD.
2. If you simply cannot bear to have your email attached to your request, and your request is sincere, you may add it to the comments on this page. Please use a pseudonym (like, DrivenNutsinLA, or WorldsGreatestAP) so that we can distinguish your request from other people’s, and so that we know if you are following up or extending upon a previous request. Tell us whether you are a parent or an Au Pair. PLEASE use this method as a last resort, since comment-based conversations can flare up very easily, and so framing the issue in advance can make a big difference).
Cheers-
CV
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Hi all, I am new to this site but am so impressed with all of the great ideas/ advice everyone seems to have. We are sort of at a crossroads with our current au pair and are trying to determine whether we just need to suggest rematch- I feel desperately in need of input from those that have been in this position.
along with cut fruit, veggies, yogurt, etc. She has expressed concern that this is not enough, we are to be paying for her food, etc. I feel as though I am to take into account (within reason) portion sizes, preferences (again within reason) and come up with a dinner all can eat while maintaing healthy foods for breakfast and lunches. I do not feel its my responsiblity to support a newly acquired diet. I have tried various options such as asking her to let me know which items she needs and, if it is something my family eats as well, I’ll pick it up. If it’s something only she will be using, I feel that’s something she needs to purchase. I certainly dont want her to go hungry but my running to the store 4-5 days per week is just not an option for me.
This is our second au pair, our first stayed a full year and extended for 9 months. Of course, as with any au pair, there were issues, but nothing we couldnt navigate.
Now, 3 months into our match with our new and current au pair, some issues that started off as trivial are beginning to take their toll. My husband and I work full time and our au pair is responsible for our 2 children- 2 and and 4 years old. (Our four year old goes to preschool 3 full days per week.)
Before I hired our au pair, she and I candidly discussed car use and dietary issues.
She does not have her own car, rather she shares my car with me. She typically gets the car 4 days per week while I’m at work to take the kids out or do her own errands, in the evenings once I get home to go to the gym, etc, and on the weekends in the morning before I need it for activities with the children, again in the afternoon when we return with the children and at night. Lately, she has expressed discontent at not having the car for entire weekend days or overnite. Strangely, it is an issue that started out small and trivial, but that has evolved into a constant stuggle. Generally, she will announce that “she is going out” rather than ask permission for car use and has been very sullen about having to return the car for our use. (As an aside, we place a curfew on the car of 11PM during the week and midnight on the weekends- I dont care if she wants to spend the night out, she just cant do it with my car.)
We also ask that she carry the cell phone we provided her whenever she is taking the car, for emergencies and the like. Further, we often ask where she will be going with the car. Evidently, these are are insults to her independence and we have been met with sulky responses.
She has inquired into whether we would buy a car for her use. And, while we have talked about it, we’re reaching the point where concessions and perks such as this make me feel a little resentful- not a great mix in the relationship.
The other main issue is dietary. Prior to hiring her, we chatted about what I typically cook for the family. This was a non-issue, with everyone typically participating in meals until she elected to go on an all protien diet about a month ago.
She has begun buying her own food on a near daily basis, while relying on some of our staples (though this is diminishing). She prefers organic, good quality food (who doesn’t?) and it is very expensive. I typically make what I think is very healthy fare, keep some protein options in the fridge/ freezer for lunches so she doesnt have to eat chicken nuggets
We have considered the option of simply providing her a food allowance by dividing the adult food budget by 3- there are 3 adults- and simply paying her a weekly stpiend to buy what she needs. This would mean that, unless she runs out of something, she’s on her own with food. (Which, by the way, she eats a substantial amount of food).
Even as I’m writing this, I’m wondering what trivial and what is simply getting blown out of proportion. And, I have no reference point for when the match is just not a good one. She is sweet and mild mannered with the children. Not stellar in terms of activities and creativity, but nothing nearly as serious as safety issues (aside from not remembering cell phone) or distrust. Her english is very good, so I am not worried about some sort of language barrier.
I guess after all my rambling, when do you know that the relationship is not salvageable? It’s my impression that once the parties start to feel resentful or withdrawn, it is very hard to fix. My fear is that we start to make concessions to keep her happy and then it is difficult to determine if that’s the last of the demands or if there will be more. And more. I guess I am put off by what I percieve as a sense of entitlement.
As an aside, she returned from a cluster meeting and announced that an au pair (whom I’ve never met) would be coming out to stay for a few days while that other au pair was on vacation. I again bristled at the “I am going to…” when I’ve never met this other girl and certainly dont want a stranger taking care of my kids. We explained we would at least need to meet this other au pair and were met with sulky behavior (again).
She’s a nice person but I’m just not sure how to address something so fundamental so as to make all happy. We’ve talked to each other, our conselor and have no clear answer short of the ideas I mentioned above. I am so conflicted with this and really would appreciate any input you might have.
This may become its own blog post or others may refer you to previous posts on this topic. But you might be looking for some quick responses and here is mine. I’ve been in your position and I rematched. You could start by being more firm and direct with her by making it clear that she needs to ask permission. You can begin this by just telling her that her friend cannot stay over at your home. It is within your right to do this. If she takes the car out and doesn’t bring it home when she was supposed to you can call her and tell her she needs to come home with the car immediately or she is not to use the car again for personal use. If you haven’t involved your LCC/AD now is the time. Document everything in emails. It doesn’t sound like you think she is a stellar au pair so I see no reason to not start moving towards rematch. The entitlement thing is a real problem for me, especially when they know in advance what the setup is. It is a serious sign of a lack of maturity. Since my first two au pairs that did not work, out I’ve just completed a successful year with one and am starting another year with a new au pair. She will be great too! It’s worth it to try to find someone better that makes your life easy, such as they should! Good luck to you!
Thanks for your reply- its uncomfortable to second-guess your gut instinct, so I really appreciate the thoughts!
Conflicted-
I’d suggest taking a quiet moment privately and reading your contract. The contract may state that an aupair cannot have long term guests. I’ve read lots of agency contracts and some state this very clearly. Now, if things were going well,
you might enjoy having her mother or sister visit but in this case you are being imposed upon and pressured. My experience is that the agencies can look the other way on stuff like this if it isn’t a problem but if it is a problem, you can blame it on the agency. The LCC can tell the aupairs if you find that easier.
Or, you can say that you talked to your agency and they told you that you may not do it. You can call corporate if you want to have that as backup.
Personally, I would address this issue first because it could easily become such an aggravation and expense. I am very curious about how the LCC has addressed this until now. Did she have any constructive ideas about how to handle things ?
If you read your contract, you may find that the matter of an unwelcome guest is
very easily handled and doesn’t require alot of creativity – just gumption on the part of the LCC. I have a suspician that not all LCC have carefully read their agency contracts, either . What does the LCC actually say about all of this ?
Thanks to all of you for the input. Oddly, as for the friend/ other au pair staying for a few days, it was our LCC that evidently suggested it to our au pair. It was sort of a – oh, so and so doesn’t have much to do this week, why don’t you hang out with your friend (our au pair) for a few days? Our LCC has apologized to me for putting us in this position, but its a little unfortunate given the other “tension.” And, while this other au pair may be wonderful, I don’t know her. Ugh!!!! Again, thanks for all the responses.
I agree with Hula Gal – lots of red flags with this one. With regard to the car, you are going to have a hard time if you start making concessions. This is a slippery slope and you don’t want to go there. My inclination would actually be to TIGHTEN her use for a few weeks, so she is reminded that it is not her right, but a privelege. Perhaps then she will be more appreciative.
As for the friend staying over, I again would say no. I would tell her that if she wants to invite guests from out of town, #1 it has to be only on a weekend and only if she’s not scheduled to work that weekend #2 there has to be at least 3x the number of days prior to the arrival to submit the REQUEST (not TELL you) So at least 3 days for an overnight, a week for 2 nights.
The food is a little dicier. If you are vegetarians and she’s not, you do need to provide her with meat even if you don’t eat it. It doesn’t have to be filet mignon, some chicken breasts and pork chops ought to do, but you’re under no obligation to cook special meals for her. If there’s fruit/veg in the house, but she wants organic, she can buy it with her own money. I warn my APs in advance that I won’t be buying their starbucks grind, red bull cans, hagen daz with my money. They can use what we have at home, or get their own. I wouldn’t give her extra stipend for her food because she will still be using/eating a substantial amount of your stuff (she’s not gonna buy separate condiments, spices, etc) and it will just anger and frustrate you and validate her entitlement.
It does sound like you are headed toward a rematch. Trust me, I had one of these and stuck it out and I really wish I had just bit the bullet and done it early. Good luck.
I’ve dealt with some of this as well but not as bad as you seen to be experiencing. The entitlement piece is something I struggle with and my best advice is to be honest and straightforward. Seems like there is a belief that host families must have lots of money and if so why not just go out and buy another car? Now I wouldn’t go into a lot of detail but to say that buying a third car isn’t an option due to finances.
Regarding the food, I wouldn’t recommend a food allowance because it would be hard to monitor what she is eating of hers versus yours and will likely lead to another area of contention. Our AP ended up not eating many meals with us, our view is we make a decent meal each night and its there if she wants it. We buy enough for the whole family and she is welcome to make whatever she wants for herself but with just a few minor exceptions we don’t buy stuff specifically for her.
I hope you don’t end in rematch but the sulking behavior might lead you there as she doesn’t seem to be mature enough to deal with the issues and would rather pout about them.
I am a live-in nanny, and was placed on a special diet from my doctor. I do not expect my employer to purchase special food for me. Instead, I eat what is in the house, and I also supplement my meals by buying my own food. I simply label what is mine, and no one else eats it.
You should not buy her separate food (unless you are a vegetarian, etc) or prepare her special meals. I would suggest telling her that she is welcome to buy her own food, label it, and you will make sure no one eats it. As for the car, it is simply ludicrous for her to suggest that you *just* buy another car. As someone else suggested, tighten the reigns on the car use for a bit, and then remind her that you are not obligated to provide her with a car. And I would NEVER think of telling my own mother that a random person whom she hadn’t met would be staying in her home, let alone my employers. And that the person would be taking care of the kids. That is just insane. Tell her no, and make sure she understands that while this is her home too, overnight guests must be approved beforehand, unless it’s a good friend or something.
Conflicted — indeed, lots of material for conflict. I agree overall with the others, and this might end up in rematch.
My philosophy is that we are happy to work with our AP to make her happy and appreciated and believe a LOT in give and take. However, we set out the basic framework in the beginning. And so did you — this included car use and what you eat. I wouldn’t budge on these items. Once you start giving way, it might never stop. As far as the au pair visitor is concerned, I would probably be inclined to be a bit more lenient, above all in the light of the other (overall bigger) issues. However, she has to work on her tone…. I like to bring up stuff like this immediately. No need to eat it all up and get frustrated. Again, you got her to make your life easier, not harder. Best of luck.
If you are with CC – look closely at the contract. It actually says that the Host Family is obligated to house the AP in transition for up to 2 weeks (and here is the key) *IF THE TRANSITION WAS INITIATED BY HOST* This may not be verbatim from the contract (I don’t have it to hand, but will excerpt and post later).
We successfully argued this point with CC re one of our APs – the only one with whom we went into transition. AP said she wanted to go to another family, and that was ok with us (after a long list of her issues – she expected me to cook her 3 hot meals a day, including weekends/off days, even though that wasn’t what I was cooking for our family! She thought we were mean and unfair making her get a state driving license (only cost was $40 for the license, and we were paying for it, and this was because our auto ins required that she have a state DL!) etc.)
Suffice to say her expectations of the program and ours were not aligned, but SHE actually initiated the rematch. So we told CC – per your contract we are only obligated to house AP for 2 weeks if ?*we* initiate rematch. CC will need to make other arrangements to house her after X date (a date 2 or 3 days from when we communicated this position- we wanted to be reasonable.). We prevailed.
You cannot ask au pair just to leave, but you can ask LCC to take her in.
We had a situation like that – the rematch was because we discovered a big lie and we decided we cannot trust the au pair in our house anymore. With the agreement of the LCC, we asked her to stay her 2 rematch wks with her boyfriend (otherwise LCC would take her in, but she wasn’t very eager to live with LCC).
In a situation like yours, where if she remains in your home it is unsafe, the agency should arrange a place for her to stay – usually with LCC. But read your contract fine print.
What about the au pair that does not plan on spending any minor or major holidays with the family? Should I just go into rematch? Or let it be because for the most part, she is nice when “on duty”?
What do you mean by nice on duty? Her personality or her performance? If your au pair is providing you good childcare and is otherwise satisfactory in her job performance, I’d let it go and try not to take it personally (hard, I know). Having a responsible au pair who performs her job well is overall a very good thing and one you want to hold onto IMHO.
If you can think of any reason why she may be avoiding spending time with you and your family, then confront that as diplomatically as you can. This is an area where underlying negative feelings could quickly escalate a solid performing person into a not solid-performing one and that you do want to avoid.
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