Need Some Advice?
We’d love to be able to target this blog to exactly what’s on your mind now . So, if there is a topic, an issue or a question that you’d like us to address on AuPairMom — just send me an email! Tell me what you want to know, and I’ll turn it around into a post that should trigger some ideas from other readers.
- Please, read this whole page before you send a request.
And, please don’t drop your request into the comments on a post about something completely different. When folks do that, the conversation gets twisted up, and it becomes really difficult for other readers to find, comment on and share your concerns.
We Au Pair Moms (and Dads) get pretty excited to offer advice….
Sometimes Moms & Dads will add their advice in the comments, below, before we can even get your question up as its own post. When responses start to get tangled in the comments, we will often move them from this page to the post set up specifically for your topic. Moms with advice, be patient <grin>. The parents, counselors, au pairs, former au pairs, and interested folks who contribute their comments, suggestions, and insights are by and large a caring and thoughtful group. I am amazed sometimes by what folks share with each other here, just out of their own belief that having an au pair and being a good host parent is important .
1. Read Before You Write…
Before you actually compose your question, check the rest of the blog for posts with similar topics.
2. Use the categories, tag cloud, search box and page of “previous posts” to see what we’ve already talked about. Then, tailor your request for advice based on the questions that remain UN answered. That way, we won’t have 2,347 requests for information about Au Pair Handbooks, but instead will get one targeted request for Handbook Pages and Guidelines that address, oh, when your neighbor calls because you au pair is sunbathing in your backyard, topless. Yes, it happened.
3. Be Patient… so that we can get you the advice you want/need…
Sometimes it will take a day or two or three before it shows up as a post of its own. We try to capture your request and then set it up for a blog post, rather than leave it on this page in the list of comments, so that your request gets the attention it deserves.
4. Use the Skribit Box to suggest a general topic.
Consider using the “suggest a topic” box on the right sidebar, if you don’t need advice but do want to talk about something in particular.
5. Give us enough information to help you.
We’ve discovered that it helps for other readers to have some basic information about your au pair situation, regardless of the particular issue you want some advice about. So, please be sure to include in your email this kind of information, where it’s relevant:
Tell us:
- How long your au pair has been with you
- Your au pair’s age, language ability, home country
- How many children you have, and their ages
- Whether you work out of the home, in the home, full-time, part-time
- Your previous experience with au pairs (Have you had one before? Did the issue come up with that au pair?)
- Whether or not you like your au pair as a person (this matters a LOT to the advice other moms will give you)
- Whether your au pair has a good relationship with your children and your other host parent-partner
- What you have already tried.
6. And, remember to satisfy our curiosity and help us learn too. Come back and tell us what happened! Tell us what you tried, what worked, what didn’t, what you learned, etc. Help us share wisdom by sharing back ‘the rest of the story’.
Send me an email at Mom@AuPairMom.com — now that we know this works! I have also turned off the comments on this particular page, so that I can do better job attaching comments to requests for advice.
Update March 2, 2010: I have removed the Skribit feature b/c someone was using it in unpleasant ways. Now, there are two ways to propose a topic or get advice–
1. Just email me (as per above). I can keep any info confidential that you want kept confidential. THIS IS THE BEST METHOD.
2. If you simply cannot bear to have your email attached to your request, and your request is sincere, you may add it to the comments on this page. Please use a pseudonym (like, DrivenNutsinLA, or WorldsGreatestAP) so that we can distinguish your request from other people’s, and so that we know if you are following up or extending upon a previous request. Tell us whether you are a parent or an Au Pair. PLEASE use this method as a last resort, since comment-based conversations can flare up very easily, and so framing the issue in advance can make a big difference).
Cheers-
CV
Welcome to Au Pair Mom! Please be sure to check out the tab "First Visit?". Also, use the categories and the search box (both in the right sidebar) to find posts on topics you're interested in. Please-- join in the conversation! Thanks for visiting!
{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
My au pair has spent her time here shopping. Now it is time to go home. Does anyone know a good way to get stuff to Germany. I called FedEx and DHL but the rates are high. It doesn’t have to get there soon. Is it cheaper just to pay the extra baggage fee with the airlines? My au pair wanted to travel during the 13th month and leave from the West Coast but the baggage is becoming a big problem. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
I would like to know if having groceries delivered to my home once a month (very large amount) is OK to have my au pair put them away? Is this reasonable??
Of course I can’t be home…. The delivery person brings them all in & puts the pop & milk in the correct spots. But all the frig, freezer & dry goods would need put away. $350 worth of groceries as we have 6 people in our home to feed.
We are trying to find ways of making all our lives easier. As you know a working family….with 3 children & an au pair. We have to eat & we all don’t want to go them & grocery shop if we don’t have to. So this was a solution for the entire family.
THOUGHTS?
I think it is reasonable to ask her to put away perishables (things that have to be refrigerated or put in the freezer right away), but let the rest of the groceries wait for you to come home…
If your au pair is NICE, she will probably put away the rest anyway…
But you shouldn’t ask her IMHO. $350 of groceries is a lot.
@ D, ask your AP nicely to put away the food, at least the perishables. cans/boxes that you would store in the garage/basement/further away from the kitchen can be put away with the kids if they are old enough
@ Karen, the most recent post here (getting her stuff back home) will give you some suggestions. it is solely your au pair’s problem. she knew she would go back home! she should contact her airline about excess baggage but i guess even that won’t do the job. so she needs to sort out, and ship. books via m-bags, the rest via regular airmail as the cheapest service (by ship, took 3 months for a package to travel) was discontinued years ago. dhl/fed ex is even more expensive and doesn’t ship personal moving goods.
Hi cvh,
I had noticed a serious call for advice from Franzi on this blog and had wanted to respond. Maybe the post was taken down because it wasn’t strictly an AP/Host family problem. Is there a way to get in touch with Franzi?
Hi Hostmomtobe–
cv
That is so sweet of you!
I moved Franzi’s question to its own post, scheduled for tomorrow, so that the conversation is easier to find and to reply to…I didn’t realize anyone had already seen it and was ready to reply! Can you hold on for a day? Thanks
Can you poll this topic? Does your au pair join you for your main family meal if she is off-duty? If you want her to join you do you schedule it as her on-duty time?
Will do!
Just lost a key management tool — any ideas?
My AP joined us last summer and is going to extend (yay!). I have been wanting to fine tune some expectations ahead of signing those papers, and have been taking notes on specific things I would like her to start doing more consistently. She and I do not have much overlap time (she is not a morning person, and retreats to her room when I come home, which is fine, but makes it difficult to provide feedback in a casual sort of way. Our handbook is pretty good, but things like schedule and kids’ needs have changed.
During her spring break vacation, I spent a lot of time thinking abt how to launch our new “performance management system”, and a key element was going to be email (thanks to that whole discussion about extending the so-so au pair). If we don’t get some of these things to go more smoothly, I’m pretty sure I won’t be thrilled that I chose to extend with her, if you know what I mean.
Well, now it seems her laptop migrated to a friend when she was on break. She has plans to save money and buy another one but that will be a long time from now. So email will no longer work.
Here’s my plan, please help me fill gaps:
– email (defunct for now)
– Monday night meeting to go over schedule for week ahead
– establishing a system of checklists for each day
I am contemplating whether having a “yes, we want to extend, but here’s what we need to improve” conversation with her, or if that would backfire.
One other factor — her first week back from vacation was a bit of a mess, with late kid pick-ups, forgetting important items, etc. caused by disruption in routine and perhaps lingering distraction of her trip. She feels terrible about the problems, and while I don’t want to hit her while she’s down, I do want to take advantage of the opportunity to ask for some improvements.
Thanks for any ideas!
Calif Mom- Your request will pop up tomorrow as a post!
Missing Items
Have you ever experienced “things” missing? My kids are at school all day and my au pair is home. I am beginning to wonder what is going on. I shop at COSTCO each week and spend around $300 in food for five people. My au pair doesn’t cook and can barely reheat anything, but the groceries keep disappearing and I haven’t used them. I just bought Ketsup, I think it is a two or three bottless package There is none in the pantry which is VERY large and usually very full. Very strange!!!! 72 cans of soda are gone!!! I buy meat in large quantities and vacuum pack it. Expense steaks and other items are no longer there????????? etc, etc. etc. I have three refrigerators. The kids say she nevers feed them and when I come home they have helped themselves to snacks which they shouldn’t eat before dinner. Of course, I have to cook dinner, because she doesn’t know how to cook!! I also found wine bottles in the garbage. If you don’t write it down, and then remind her several times nothing gets done. Everytime I speak with her, she plays stupid. She doesn’t know anything. She is leaving in June, so a rematch isn’t feasible at this point. We had a meeting with the LCC several months ago and things got tolerable, but are once again falling apart. She doesn’t put gas in the car, etc. etc. Any advice on what I should do? Any clue with what is happening to my food? I guess I should check my jewelery. I am just so busy with work and trying to coordinate all the kids activities that I have no time for anything else. My commute time is more than some people work per day, including my au pair!!! I was hoping that an au pair would help, but it is just like having another child. My kids are 10 and 12 and need supervision (they are running the show) and to be driven to activities (always late) and help with homework (no clue). The au pair just turned 20. Next time definitely an older au pair, but what else? I can never understand them when I call. They all say they “don’t know”. I have called over 20 people. It is all the same. What is in it for them? The applications don’t match what they say on the phone (from what I can tell). The present au pair told me she was a wonderful cook????? Was great at school and would love to do homework????? Any countries better than others? It seems if you can’t keep them happy, they leave. The agency makes this far too easy for them and difficult for the families involved. If they signed up for a year they need to do their job. Working 20 – 25 hours a week shouldn’t be a problem, but I guess I am asking too much.
What should I look for in the next au pair? Hope you all can help. In this economy, I need to focus on my job!!!
Betty, I am sorry you had such bad luck.
There is a great post on this blog about interviewing question, that plus comments is great help in choosing the au pair well.
What you look for depends on your needs. I am not a very experienced host mom (will start our third year shortly, and we’ve had one rematch).
Here is what I’ve learned about matching so far.
For our family, Brazilians and Latin Americans work well. Never again a Russian or Ukrainian au pair. I prefer somebody over 21, and in college or a better yet a college graduate (that seems to indicate certain maturity and sophistication). I also am very choosy. I read an application carefully, and call the girl only if my gut tells me that is it. The feeling you’d be looking for is “I cannot believe this girl hasn’t been snapped up already, I am so lucky and excited to see this application!”. And your hand will reach for the phone.
Also, something I learned this round – enlist help of others. Ask your local coordinator or a matching coordinator of what she thinks of the application, and fish for details, not just “she is OK”. Ask your friends to look at it. For our present match (will arrive this summer), who comes after a year of bad experiences, I had my first and favorite au pair speak to her (they are from the same country), I also had my SIL call and speak to the girl (they speak the same language).
Hi Betty. Wow, I would definitely figure out a way to check up on your belongings and what is happening there. This is just plain weird. It is one thing when sodas and snacks are disappearing, but when you have frozen uncooked goods go away with an AP who does not cook, that is just strange.
As for your next step, I would definitely read the ‘Interview Questions’ post that Anna referred to. We right now hosting our second AP and we have not even been a year in the program. We rematched our first AP after 5 moths. Reading this blog, I realized that I have made a lot of mistakes in picking and managing our first AP. If I knew now what I know then, it would not have happen. With my current AP, things are a bit better. She is not the greatest AP, but I have learned to manage the situation better, which helps a lot. Also, setting expectations and boundaries is the key. I am still reading and learning as I will be starting a selection process for the next AP in a few weeks.
@ Betty, i think you need to give yourself more time in the matching process. if you want a good level of english, look for au pairs from countries that have a good english education level (aside from native speakers) such as scandinavian countries, germany, switzerland, austria.
same goes for driving. if you want your au pair to drive well, pick a girl from a country that requires a driving test PLUS driving lessons before they can obtain a licence.
if you want a good cook, ask what they like to cook and how they prepare the food. also ask for local specialties and how to fix them (that should tell you if the girl is only talking the cook/bake talk or if she’s actually walking the walk)
if you reall want to know if food is disappearing, either take pictures of the pantry or ask your au pair straight out. say you bought xyz and now can’t find it and would like to know if she has seen it/used it.
hope your next au pair is a better match!
Does anyone have experience hosting an au pair from South Africa? Anything that you can share about the experience would be greatly appreciated.
Karen — Our neighbors had a South African AP (the hosts are northern European and wanted an English speaker). She was a great AP, extended to full two years, worked hard, very loving, cheerful, friendly. Not a driver. With all these ‘anyone know about country X” responses, please never forget that what matters most is picking the individual, because there is a wide range in every country.
Like Anna, we are not warm on Eastern Europeans. Our LCC was a former AP herself, from Latvia. She is great, and i’m sure her host family felt luckiest in the world. That said, we tried Bulgaria and Ukraine, and won’t go back for another dip in the former Soviet block pool. Both ended in rematch b/c those girls were looking for something much different than AP’ing. Like Anna, we have had much better ‘fit’ with Brazilians and Latin Americans. 2 of 3 of our Brazilians have been excellent drivers, you just have to ask the right questions about that. I completely echo everything said above about checking this site for interview advice. Our friends really like the German girls, and the French, but we need a girl who is used to living in closer quarters than most of them, who grew up with their own rooms and western european privileges.
Betty — this sounds awful. Also sounds like she is giving the food to someone, maybe she has starving friends? Maybe she is selling it to raise money before she goes home (that would require some ambition, though). I think it is time to loop in the LCC again. This is well beyond the normal “lame duck” slippage that happens when you get near the end of the AP year. I would put this squarely on the LCC’s shoulders to find you a solution — ask the agency what they can do about getting you a new AP who can stay at least a year. Maybe a rematch who just got here? An extension AP? you should not have to put up with this for another two months — you’re really stressed sounding. Also, be careful about thinking that age = maturity! Older APs may be more likely to be responsible adults, but isn’t a guarantee, either. We had a terribly immature 25 year old whom we had to dump because she was threw tantrums to rival the 3 year old’s!
Read up on the interview advice, and think about using Skype to interview girls overseas. Personally, I prefer rematch girls whom i can meet in person, bring to the house, have interact with the kids. The girls we have rematched with that way over the years have worked out great, and eventually extended. best of luck!
Calif Mom, Latvia is not Eastern Europe. Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia are more western; they were annexed by the soviet union much later, in the 1940 ies, and kept their western mentality.
Yes – I am definitely stressed out due to the economy. I have had to let go many wonderful dedicated employees who have done a wonderful for many, many years. You could not ask for more. Then I come home to an au pair that is basically a warm body that my kids control. Nothing is done, no matter what I say. I have to cook dinner and do homework, etc, etc. My first au pair was a rematch because the au pair I selected decided at the last moment that she didn’t want to be an au pair. The first rematch lasted three weeks. I was on vacation and spent the entire time catering to her, but it wasn’t enough. I then needed to find a new au pair in a few days. I took a rematch that was local. I did meet her, no wow factor, but I needed someone. Major interest is in having a good time. Dishes in the sink, doesn’t cook, laundry isn’t done, homework isn’t done, and all she does is complain about the kids. Now all they do is tell on her……….. Anyway, I have no time to do a rematch at this point. I used all the interview questions and hopefully my dream au pair is coming soon. What impact has the economy had on other host Mom’s and Dad’s? Are you all feeling the stress? How do you handle an au pair that is leaving and has no reason to do anything? I would appreciate your thoughts. I love this blog. It is soooooooo….helpful.
Anna– thanks for setting me straight on the geopolitical front.
Betty– “Lame duck” au pairs: sorry to say, IMHO there are two, disparate paths you can follow: lump it, or micro-manage her.
Micromanaging means a very detailed schedule and checklists. Hold her feet to the fire. Call her at every critical time in her schedule (”just checking to make sure you have left the house for piano lesson” or whatever). Put sticky notes on the food they are allowed to eat, marked with times on it, etc. This would be unbelievably annoying, but it sends the signal that she is not done yet and you still expect her to do her job, even if she doesn’t love or even like it.
Take photos of the stocked shelves and freezer.
Another thought — when things really got bad with a surly AP, I engaged the kids in finding solutions to some of what needed to happen but wasn’t. This was sort of a survival thing for them, because at the end none of us wanted to be around this woman, frankly. Not sure if this works with your parenting philosophy, but your kids are old enough to suffer the consequences if they don’t do their homework and the AP doesn’t get them to do it either. (And they’re young enough that a bad grade won’t jeopardize their college applications!) Homework is not your job; you have enough stress right now. If they eat a snack right before dinner and aren’t hungry, then let them be starving at bed time. It will only happen once. Allow natural consequences to follow from choices they make when you aren’t around to supervise them. I would start this by having a conversation first. “Okay, guys, here’s what needs to happen, we’re all in this together. Let’s figure out how you can be sure you get it done. Imagine how it would feel to have your homework finished when I get home… I wouldn’t yell at you, the AP won’t be nagging you, and you will come home one day with a good grade. What needs to change so you can do homework successfully, by yourself, after school?” Get them to name each logistical hurdle and figure out solutions. It sounds cheesy, but it can work.
Also recognize that this can be scary for your kids, because they know the AP doesn’t like your family (even if they can’t articulate it) and they have to rely on her for rides, etc.
Does your school offer after- and before-care? Might be preferable for a few weeks to subjecting them to this situation. just a thought. Or another idea for after-school coverage is local college students who are losing scholarship money and looking for income. colleges have job boards on line these days. Good luck!
Calif Mom– This is some great advice.. I’ll plan to pull this issue out into its own post next week. cv
Karen – We have had an au pair from South Africa, known one in our cluster pretty well who was friends with our German au pair, are acquainted with another SA friend of our SA au pair, and interviewed at least three during our most recent matching experience (Dec. 08-Feb.09). Because we have a toddler and a grade-school-age child who needs assistance with homework, we hoped that we could find someone with English as their native language in order to avoid problems with them understanding each other, being able to understand the homework instructions, etc. Plus, their accent when speaking is very soothing and enjoyable to listen to, in my opinion!
It would be very hard to generalize about any nationality, as each au pair is unique and has her own good and not so good qualities. Of the three we interviewed, one was an extension AP already in the US, who chose to join another family in a big city on the east coast rather than come to our more suburban west-coast home (we would have been very lucky to get her!), the second had previously been an AP in NY and wanted to come back for another year (a fairly new option that’s become available, at least with our program), but ultimately wasn’t ready to come two months hence, as she had to give 2-months’ notice to her current employer, pack up her residence and say goodbye to a large family, while the third one’s mother answered all the emails for the prospective AP, and they were gone on a 2+ week vacation, and we had already chosen someone else by the time the finally got around to emailing us back upon their return. If you’d like me to give you more personal details about the SA au pair we did have and the ones we knew, I’d be glad to correspond personally with you, if you’d care to forward you email to me; perhaps you could give me your address, or see if cvh can put us in touch? I hesitate to disclose personal details on this site since any of them could read this.
I wanted some advice and actually just wanted to see if anyone else ever felt like their au pair just rubs them the wrong way or just irritates them for no reason or am I just a terrible host parent/person? My au pair has been with us for about 9 mo now and we’ve definitely had some low and high points, but lately I really just find myself not wanting to be around her. We have 1 year old twins, and she takes OK care of them. This varies as well, she’s very inconsistent. Most of my issues with her don’t even have to do with her actual caring for my kids, it’s on a personal level, so I can’t really say anything to her about it. So my issues with her caring for my kids are small, but I’ve been noticing that she’s awake all hours of the night meaning she has very little energy to do much with the kids during the day. I leave the tv on kid shows when I leave in the morning and she immediately turns it on music videos or a movie. Granted, my kids don’t really watch tv but my feeling is she’s the one watching tv all day long. She’s becoming increasingly nasty to my dog, who is huge and at times also annoying, but I hear her yelling “MOVE” all the time at him, but then she’ll ask to take him for walks sometimes (but I think there’s another reason for this that I’ll get to in a minute). She has become increasingly ungrateful for things. I bought her a $10 huge piece of chocolate cake last weekend when we went to dinner. I told her about it and rather than say “thank you” she says “why?” and then after she ate almost all of it (it took me 3 days to eat this piece of cake and I like sweets) I asked her what it tasted like and she said she didn’t really like it. A really big issue for me is that I just don’t think she’s a very nice person. She has a lovely boyfriend who we’ve had over to the house and he’s from Bosnia as well. He lives two hours away and drives up to see her all the time and will drive back. She tells us she doesn’t really like him and is waiting for something better to come along. They were planning on going to vacation together and she said she didn’t care how much it cost because he was paying for everything (he does not come from money). She got mad at him when his brakes broke on his car and he couldn’t come get her and insisted we tell him over the phone that she did not want to talk to him. It broke my heart for this poor sucker. She refuses to take the bus to his house which costs $15 dollars and says “If he loves me he’ll come see me!”. I try to act motherly toward her and give her advice, but she thinks it’s funny to be nasty to him. I have a really hard time listening to her talk about all the horrible ways she is acting to this really generous and sweet kid (obviously he must like it!). On top of that, I brought her to watch my kids at a work convention out of town for 4 days, and on the very last night, they were having an ice cream social for staff and I was going to bed but told her to go down. I happened to check on her before that and she came out very provocatively dressed and the next morning I found out that “something” happened with one of the folks I am in charge of. She was very sneaky about it and after returning to work I heard from several co-workers she was on the prowl with all of the male staff. I have to take the babies to several things with me this summer for work and I don’t want to take her, I can’t risk being embarrassed in front of people who are important to my work again, or risk her going on the prowl with the wrong person! We had a party at my husbands work (it was a family party but my hubby is in the Army) as soon as she heard the party was going to be at the base she changed her outfit so she literally looked like a prostitute. We tried to convince her to change her outfit becuase it just wasn’t appropriate at my husbands work (much less anywhere except a strip club) and she said she “didn’t care”. She does take the dog for walks as well – so she can sit in town and have men approach her. We really just hate taking her anywhere with us now for this and other reasons. I am pretty young myself, and don’t expect her to dress conservatively, and know that all young girls like male attention, but it’s gotten bad. Also, and I know this is petty, but if we’re out together she won’t correct people who think the babies are hers, she will converse and act like they are her children and I will have to go up and correct them. At first it was funny, but now I see she actually does it intentionally, because she constantly has to have attention. She also is very quick to correct ME at my house telling me to be careful, to wipe my child’s face, you name it. I heard her the other night complaining to my husband that I was throwing a lot of baby clothes out and that I “should save them” because she felt so. Furthermore, despite numerous efforts, she has poor boundaries. I will put the babies in bed and they may be awake or whimpering, and I’ll walk out to see her in the middle of the room with the light on. I tell her to leave them in there and that they can cry for a few minutes and she’ll try to argue with me about it – or she’ll run in the room right before bed and start getting them excited and laughing…so they won’t settle down. I’ll see her try to sneak in the room later if she thinks she hears them. I’ve talked to her numerous times about this and she just refuses to listen. So I feel like I am a prisoner in my house where I can’t let my kids cry for even a few minutes without her sneaking downstairs and she’ll carry on about how mean I am. She’s always just in the babies face as well – if she comes into the room, they are never able to just sit, play alone, or relax, she is constantly in their face and she won’t even really allow them to play with eachother without getting in the middle to make sure she’s getting attention from one of the babies. It’s almost like the person you just don’t like, even though they really have done nothing to you and I know it’s horrible but it’s really gotten to a point where me and my husband just feel constantly irritated by her. We’re moving early in two months and she’s staying here, and we’re hoping just to ride it out . I try my best to be nice to her and incorporate her with us, but she has no friends besides her boyfriend, and that’s becuase I don’t think it’s just us she rubs the wrong way. So am I a monster and has anyone else EVER felt the same way I do? After reading this I feel terrible for even thinking this way!
Anonymous,
Is this your first au pair? It sounds to me like you have VERY legitimate complaints, why are you feeling that it is all in your head and you are being unfair?
After reading your post I can list already a few things that with other families would put this au pair in rematch or going back home pretty quickly, such as:
1. Not following your requests in the work parties and actually hurting your and your husband’s reputation at work! this is a real biggie. As a result you cannot use her help on your business trips, but isn’t this help what you are paying for in the au pair program?
2. Not following your requests in caring for children and disrupting their bedtime routines and schedules. This is also a rematch-worthy complaint. Sleep and sleep habits are critically important to children’s health and development at this age.
3. You suspect she is watching TV all day long… while taking care of your kids? Are you sure she takes good care of your children?
4. She seems to be really unsuited for being an au pair, immature and with possibly some mental issues, self esteem issues.
I really hope your next au pair is great, if you choose to stay in the program.
Your feelings at this point are completely reasonable and understandable.
I second Anna’s perspective! These are not problems with you being petty. I’m not convinced she is trustworthy with your kids! Talk to your LCC and get a plan of action together — shape up or ship out conversation needs to happen.
Anonymous– we’ve set up your request for April 14th!
How do you handle an Au Pair that eats twice the amount as your husband. And eats your children’s food too? Also, if going out for dinner (which we don’t do often now) they order the most expensive meal and drink? We can’t afford her anymore!
What are your thoughts on Au Pairs being ready in the morning and eating their breakfast PRIOR to taking care of the kids? Our Au Pair will get the baby, feed him, and then put him in his bouncy, then she prepares her breakfast and eats. This is when I am getting ready to leave for work. I hear him whine because he just wants to be held and it breaks my heart!
CVH, do you think you could make both of Tessa’s questions above separate posts? I have many thoughts about both of them, but have to run into the meeting. I will be back later to post my thoughts.
Thanks.
Hi Tessa, and welcome! I don’t think I’ve seen you here before, but if I missed you, sorry.
Re your breakfast question – what time does your AP start working in the morning?
I have been struggling with this same issue, but my AP starts working at 7am, and cannot really expect her to be up before then, also considering that she works till 8pm.
I have some other thoughts, but I have to run now. I’ll be back.
Serving them up tomorrow (or tonight). Can you hold on until they appear as a post?
CV, I have a topic suggestion. Let’s talk about playdates. It is one of those gray areas (in my opinion) that have not been discussed yet.
Scenario: Another parent drops kid’s friend off at your house for a playdate to be picked up in 1-2-3 hours, so your AP is home with your kid(s) and this other child. You, your spouse, and other child’s parents/caregiver are not there. Acceptable/not acceptable? Acceptable with AP’s agreement? Not acceptable at all under any circumstances?
What if your child can only have playdates after school on school days when you are at work? Does that mean no playdates for the child b/c AP should not be doing it? What if the child and friend are old enough where the parent should not be staying with them and drop off are acceptable?
Should/could AP pick up another child (friend) with you child when picking him/her up from school and take them all home for a play date?
Obviously, the reverse is fine, AP dropping off your child at someone else’s house for a playdate and coming back 2 hours late to pick him/her up. The two hours that she is on duty, but not working.
I try to encourage playdates at my house since otherwise the kids won’t have as many, but sometimes the moms have trouble with the idea. We are close enough to walk to & from school, which is good as many moms don’t want AP driving w their child. Others just have trust issues-espeically after the situation w my last AP (see “Rematch-NOW”) which of course the whole school knows about (from child#1’s re-enactment for show & tell).
I have tried to make a list of rules for playdates, and try to let the moms meet my AP, but admittedly there are less plays then there would be otherwise.
Hi Maya, I have a couple suggestions about Paly dates involving an AP.
I really think that an AP should be envolved with the playdate thing since this is a “child issue”. In other hand, I don’t think that is fair that the aupair has to deal with a bunch of extra kids every single day. What I did when I was an AP was talk to my host parents and with the other parents about the playdate rule. The rules consisted in share the playdates among the Parent’s houses, that way every parent could have they “peace moment” when their child were at My house under my care and I could have my “peace” moment when my host kid was having a playdate somewhere else. Other think that made me to talk with my host parents about the “playdate rule” was because after a while hosting kids for a playdate at my house, I felt like the other families were taking advantage of me because they knew that I was on duty every day after school and they just though that was okay to send they kids over to my Host house to have a playdate. After talking about the playdate rule, my host family and I decided that twice a week would be fear enough to host a play date at my care, and the other days my host kid should go to another house or just stay home by himself.
I loathe playdates. If someone had clued me in before I was pregnant, everything might have turned out differently!
Former Aupair, I absolutely agree with what you said.
To give a little more background, I will tell you why I brought this up. We don’t do a lot of playdates. For my older child I could not get a play date if my life depended on it. For whatever reason I don’t click with her classmates parents (and this has nothing to do with our AP). However, my younger child has a best friend in school. My child had a playdate at her friend’s house around New Year time. Also, this mother knows my AP because they see each other at school at the drop off and pick up time. About a month ago, she suggested that kids have another playdate, we worked out the day and time, and agreed on our house. She told me that she was fine with my AP picking up both my child and her child and taking them to our house and she would come by later and pick up her child. I talked to my AP and she agreed to this arrangement. In the end, everything worked out ok, but AP later told me that she was very nervous about having 3 kids in the house to look after. To be honest, I anticipated that, so told AP in advance that she cal let kids watch TV if they want (normaly, my kids only get 1 hour of TV before bed). Tomorrow, they will have another playdate at friend’s house and because we are leaving AP without a car for tomorrow, this mother will come to our house, pick up my child and then later bring my child back. In the end, everything turned out ok with the playdate at my house, but so far this has been one and only playdate. I want to know what other think should playdate become a more common occurence.
I’d be interested in hearing the perspective of an LCC or someone who knows what the “official” rule is regarding playdates/caring for other children. In our family, we handle the issue similar to what “Former aupair” described. We do arrange playdates for our kids, but it needs to be reciprocal — meaning that if a child comes over to our house for a playdate (giving that parent a break), my child will then be invited to a playdate at the other child’s house (giving the AP a break). I would never alow my friends/the parents of my kids’ friends to take advantage of our AP as “free childcare.”
I do give my APs the choice about whether or not they feel comfortable having other kids over, but the reality is that playdates usually make things EASIER on the AP, rather than harder. (At least with my kids — when one of my kids has a friend over, they keep each other entertained, meaning less “active” work for the AP. Yes, she is still “in charge” and expected to supervise, but she doesn’t have to do as much actual play.)
I encourage my au pair to arrange playdates with the kids of her au pair friends. Our first au pair did that (obviously both au pairs are present during that playdate) did it a lot and on her own intiative, our current au pair hasn’t done it yet.
Anna, thank you for reminding me. Yes, I encourante this too. My former AP arranged playdates with her friend AP and her charges. They come over to our house a few times and they did a couple of outing to the museum and local parks.
My current AP, has not done that. She is friends with an AP who does not drive. And kids in that family are not in similar age as mine. So, for now, I will be doing what I can to set up playdates on my own.
But, yes, it is in my handbook, that we encourange AP to find playdates and activities for the kids.
I would just make a word of caution: If AP sets up playdates with her friends/their charges, talk to your kids to find out how it went. You want to make sure that you kids enjoy playing with those kids and that both sets of children are of the similar age. This should not become a social gathering entirely for AP’s conveniece. Granted, if they all go to the park, it would not matter as much if you kids are 7-8 years old and other kids 4-5 years old, but if it is playdate at the house, that may become a problem. YMMV.
Maya, I absolutely agree.
Snarkiness aside, what I have learned about playdates boils down to a few things:
1) Unless it’s a mom I totally know and trust (ie would want to go out to dinner with), I want either my AP or myself to be staffing a playdate, especially for the under-6 crowd, whether the other children are supervised by an AP or a parent. That way we can ensure that our kid’s emotional needs are met, and the playdate ends when it needs to. I am often stunned by moms who think an after school playdate should end after dinner — my kids don’t have that kind of emotional endurance after a long day at school. They play hard and crash hard. I want the playdate to end before they crash. This is a basic tenet we try to follow–end on a high note.
2) it is risky for the happiness of older kids to allow APs to have carte blanche on setting up playdates with their AP friends. Many APs staff kids who are MUCH younger than ours and the older kids don’t enjoy this much. If it happens too often, older child may resort to sabotage
3) Playdates at a park are a great social equalizer. No fighting over playing with special toys, etc. And easier for AP to pull kid out when needed.
4) one other thing to think about is APs inviting kids to have playdates b/c APs (or former APs who are now illegal nannies) are friends, but you have never met the host or seen their house. It creates discomfort.
Calif mom, you are absolutely right. I forgot to mention that I do have a few guidelines: kids should be similar age to my kids, and the playdate should be pre-approved by me. And it goes without saying that our au pair should be present, I would never let her drop my kids off at anybody’s house except those of my own close mommy-friends.
Please give me some suggestions on how to screen my next AP for organizational skills.
My current AP is just not adequate. We’ve had appropriate clothing and dressing for the weather issues all winter. We are talking forgetting sweaters, hats, gloves, letting kids out of the house in spring shoes in the middle of February, wearing a light shirt instead of a sweater when it is snowing and freezing outside, etc.
And now, this morning, my daughter had a sports practice this morning. I sent AP an email last night clearly stating what she should be wearing and what to bring with her, including her sports equipment. I get a call from AP this morning from the practice telling me that my kid forgot her equipment, got upset, refused to use the equipment coach lent her, and was crying and want to go home. After talking to my kid, I told them to go home.
I don’t think it is reasonable to expect for a 6 year old to remember to bring and pack everything she needs. That is what I have AP for, but apparently not. Now, my kid is home, upset, and still is crying 2 hours later. She also feels like it was her fault that she forgot her equipment, but I really think it is AP’s fault.
Yesterday, when my older kids had another sports practice, and AP with yournger kid had to be there and wait for me to come over from work, when I got there, I found out that younger kid was not wearing a sweater under her jacket and was cold. These practices take place at open fields, and even when the temperature is ok, it is very windy and feels much colder. And I did remind AP yesterday morning before I left for work, to about the sweater for the younger kid.
On Monday, she forgot to pack kids snacks when they left mid-day for the activities. They were going to be out of the house from 2pm to 7pm, and my husband reminded AP to take snacks with them around noon time when he was leaving for work and AP was starting her work day. When I talked to AP that afternoon, around 3:30pm, I asked her when she is planning to give kids their snacks as they were between the activities, and that is when I found out that she did not bring any snacks with her. In the end it worked out, since it started raining and they did not go the sports practice (5-6:30) and went home around 4:30pm. But seriously, who the heck leaves the house for 5-6 hours with 4 and 6 year old kids and does not bring any snacks with them? Especially, after they have been reminded.
Anyhow, how would you screen the next potential AP for more organizational skills? Please give me some suggestions and specific situations/questions to ask to screen for organizational skills. I will be starting the next selection process shortly, in May, and will be matching with the next AP for September.
We keep trying to encourage our AP and talk to her, but it just feels that by praising her when she does even something minute right; at this point – we are just rewarding mediocrity at my house.
Since you need to get from here to September, I suggest interim steps of giving her checklists, and calling her when you know she is getting ready to leave the house to nag her. I bet if you over-manage her she will get her act together.
Or maybe she’s just ADD. There are some good books and websites that have tactics for helping adults overcome ADD traits… a personal favorite is putting sticky notes on the steering wheel or stuck on your car keys(so you don’t leave home without super-important items).
regarding playdates: not only should it be fine for you to have the AP drive your kids and their friends, it should be ok for the AP as well! unless i knew the parents and knew that they were trusting my driving i would not take my kids’s friends in the car with me. not for 5 minutes, not two hours to get to a camp.
also, i made sure that the same security standards applied to all kids in the car meaning my kids needed a booster seat, the playdate-kid needed one as well. no exceptions. no seat? me no driving, sorry.
when there was a playdate with a new kid, i made sure i gave feedback to my HP to let them know how i feel it went (good for host kid or not). if your AP does not give you that feedback by herself, ask her! i had a playdate with a very ADD kid and aside from the fact that this child drove me to my limits, it was not a good partner to play with for my host kid. my child was also special needs but the needs just didn’t match (if that makes sense).
i think it is important to have a rule regarding not having your AP turn into the babysitter of the block. the rule described above sounds fair to me.
@ parent-anon: i think you ended up with a very disorganized person. or with someone who is not experienced in childcare. some girls barely have the 200 required hours. others have way past 1000. i think that does make a difference when it comes to organizing oneself and the kids.
maybe a “return-aupair”, an au pair that has completed her AP time, went back home and is now in for a second stint, is a good fit for you as those girls know what they are doing and getting into. plus, they have experience!
also, only interview girls who have experience with your child’s age group!
i believe, you also need to work on your communication with the AP. i think it is not ok to tell her what to pack for the kids via email. especially, if this is the first training ( i don’t know if this was the case).
if she is so forgetful, you need a checklist and you should remind her to go by that checklist when there is an activity. i assume the training is a regular occurance, so there could be a “training checklist” and a “museum checklist” and a “playdate checklist” etc
the fact that she seems oblivious to the weather, i can only attribute to her being from a different climate. where is she from?
the fact that she seems oblivious to the weather, i can only attribute to her being from a different climate. where is she from?
She is from Mexico. However, she never forgot to dress herself warm, so what gives?
And as for email, she preferes emails so that is what I do. Regardless, whether it is email or notes or any other form of communication, we have had same issues. She is disorganized! And I don’t know how to make her change that.