Comments on: Moms & Au Pairs: Can I hold us to different tv rules?

By: newhostmom

newhostmom — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 15:53:31 +0000

I was thinking about this thread again last night and realized that one of the reasons I’ve found being a host mom to be stressful (We’re 10 months in with our first au pair who is AWESOME – and she is re-extending 6 months with us) is because I find myself modeling ideal parenting at all times when AP is around. This is probably good for my children, but is exhausting for me I’ve mentioned that we don’t have TV, but when AP is around but off-duty, I am sure to model exactly the way I would want her to be with my children – I am on the floor playing, I feed them healthy meals, I am patient and kind and discipline in a gentle, respectful manner. I never ignore them in favor of using my phone.

I think the modeling has served as a sort of long-term training for the AP. She gets to see the way in which I think my children should be treated in all kinds of different scenarios (both when they are good and when they are behaving poorly).

So I’ve said previously that I think there can be different standards and I stick by that – because as a parent I am “on duty” 24 hours a day and I still need to get everything done at the same time that I am “watching” the kids. However, I do think host parents need to be really really mindful of how they are treating the children when AP is around and not expect AP to be a drastically different, better parent than they are – I would expect any AP to get the impression, whether consciously or subconsciously, that it is ok to treat your kids the way you treat them.

Like or Dislike: 0

By: AFHostmom

AFHostmom — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 18:32:41 +0000

I’m in this camp too. BTDT with the TV….when we had a full time non-live in nanny, while living in a Middle Eastern country where we could easily afford to pay her a fair wage, I lost my job but decided to keep her on for both our sakes. At the time we had one child, and when I stopped working, she stopped too. I’d come home to her sitting on the couch in a messy room with the lights off, and my toddler sitting beside her. It didn’t last long after that, and I know she felt a lack of motivation because she felt it was unfair–and it probably was, but that’s a question for a different day.
So we set the no tv while working rule with our AP, and it’s been fine. I don’t get to watch TV at work; no one is paying me to watch my kids when I’m at home so I am fine with the double standard. We missed the mark on the telephone rules, however; our family book says “no calls longer than 10 min during the day” or something to that effect, and explains that her focus should be on the kids. Our AP has interpreted this as “you can make as many calls as you see fit during the day as long as each is not over 10 min.” Yeah, not quite what we meant, but at this point she’s been with us almost half of her year, we’ve belabored the phone issue to death and almost rematched because of it, and my hands are in the air on this one.
/and to reference the original post, she used my chef’s knife last night, and cut through an aluminum pan, AFTER I told her not to use metal on metal since a plastic spatula would work better. Shudder.

Like or Dislike: 0

By: Steff

Steff — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 18:05:16 +0000

With your kids being *so* small I wouldn’t consider the no-TV rule on-duty crazy whatsoever, but mostly expected. On the one hand, she *should* be with them at all times keeping them safe and out of trouble. At that age they are oh-so likely to get into the weirdest places if you only stopped looking at them for a second, so in this particular case, I would totally expect for the AP to be engage and playing with the kiddies at all time, too

Like or Dislike: 0

By: newhostmom

newhostmom — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 17:58:07 +0000

I think everyone’s right that it probably does change depending on the ages of your children and also on your TV/internet/game system rules. My kids are 1 and 3, so they are young enough that we do need an au pair who is with them at all times. At those ages, kids don’t really play by themselves for long and can’t be left alone. So if they want to play in their playroom, I expect our au pair to be in the playroom with them, on the floor, and not sitting in the corner texting. The day is punctuated by classes for the kids, mealtimes and naptimes, so it’s not like I’m asking her to sit and play with blocks for 10 straight hours.

We are a no-TV family, so that eliminates that problem. The kids don’t watch TV, movies or video games, or go on the internet ever.

Like or Dislike: 0

By: Steff

Steff — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 17:56:08 +0000

I think the whole TV drama depends A LOT in how old the kids are. Have you ever try to “engage” a toddler with something in the TV? Well, I can’t be sure about American kiddies, but doing that with the ones here in my country is pretty much impossible. They get sooooo bored (so fast) and I can’t really hold that against them. The energy kiddies have at that age is SO much that simply stare at the TV is just not the thing for them.
But then again, as the kids grow older having a person “hovering” over them 24/7 is not that smart either. I think eventually the kids would even end up resenting the AP and everything. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think kids do need their “me” time, too. More so as they get older. I don’t think TV is the solution either, but having the AP trying above and beyond to get them to interact with her isn’t either. *At least*, when they don’t want to. If they DO want to play or talk or whatever and the AP rather put them in front of the TV, then that’ll be a problem!!

Still I guess what you guys were saying was when the AP let the kid watch TV instead of doing their HW? If that’s the case, then I would completely agree with the HMs, of course.

I somehow do like better taking care of smaller children. I know APs often look over for families with older kids (school-ages) but though I see the point (more free time??) I still don’t completely get it. Kids go to school from 8 to 2-3 (ish), so besides doing housework or internet/tv or if they are prompted enough going to school themselves, I don’t see how much that alleged free time can be used. Unless of course, I’m underestimating the American culture, but at least here, streets/malls, most places in weekdays (more so in school hours) are pretty much EMPTY! Hardly anyone is out because everyone is instead working or in school, so IMO, those free-hours are only there to help you get bored easily and miss home more.

I for one, would very much rather chasing around a two year old than keep myself lock in the house while the kids are in school. I guess it all is about how you see the situation and its perks…though sometimes ‘hidden’ perks. Why would I want/need a Gym membership when I’m taking care of a toddler 8+ hours a day?!

All in all, I do not think TV is a good alternative, even though, sometimes, I DO turn it on for background-noise purposes.
If the AP doesn’t do as she’s supposed, I’d tell her that much and demand for her to do as told, after all, you ARE paying her! I know any day how the very least I’d like my own kid to pick up are “lazy” habits from their alleged caregiver

Like or Dislike: 0

By: newhostmom

newhostmom — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 17:49:21 +0000

I stand by my 14 hours a day entirely to herself comment and would like to repeat that she has at least an entire day or two or three off every single week. She can choose to spend those 14 hours (or entire days) in whatever way she wants and feel confident that no one will infringe upon them. Need to do laundry or catch up on TV shows or just catch up on sleep the entire time? There are (168 – 45) hours every week that she can do those things.

At my full-time job, I am not allowed to do chores or watch TV or chat on the phone. I am there to work. Similarly, my au pair is expected to do her work during work hours – care for my kids. During naptime or quiet time, she is more than welcome to do whatever she wants. But when they are awake, I expect her to be engaged with them, especially because they are so young. And of course, quick phone calls or texts are allowed – people need to handle business throughout the day.

As a parent, on the other hand, I am on full-time “duty” whenever I am home; yes, even when the kids are sleeping. What I mean by that is as soon as I get home from work, I’m still “on” – making dinner, cleaning up, playing with the kids, getting them in bed. My day essentially goes from 7am to 9pm – every single day (that is, I do not get 2-3 days entirely to myself per week). And since my kids are so little still (1 and 3), even your typical 10pm – 6am time period when everyone “should” be sleeping is punctuated by wake-ups most nights (and sometimes if the kids are sick or otherwise having a bad night – I am “on” the whole time those nights).

I’m not complaining about my day, I’m just saying that if my au pair sees me doing something – cleaning, reading, etc. – I would like her to realize why there may be different standards.

Like or Dislike: 0

By: Eurogirl

Eurogirl — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 12:22:17 +0000

I think having to be interacting with the kids for the full time of your au pair hours is not exactly practical…because the kids themselves do not want constant adult attention. I would often set them up with a game or drawing and then be cooking or doing laundry. I would also let them help with the cooking or laundry – which they and their mums always loved because who doesn’t want proud helpful children who want to be part of how the household works?

The TV question is different because it could mean two thing – having TV on whilst with the kids for yourself or having TV on for the kids. And I would never have the first, watching programmes of my own whilst the kids were there, but I was always allowed some (although minimal) TV with the kids eg. educational programmes, or as a treat maybe a Disney movie – actually I avoided using this as much as possible because I REALLY REALLY HATE DISNEY MOVIES!!!! But if one of the kids was sick or I was doing evening babysitting, I would let them come into my room and watch something with me – that was a big treat for them and only invoked if I was having extra hours due to the babysitting or minding them when they were off school/kindergarten sick.

Like or Dislike: 0

By: MommyMia

MommyMia — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 03:48:32 +0000

How true! Even with a wide age-span between children, it’s the rare au pair who can effectively keep them entertained (and simulataneouly, sometimes) with age-appropriate and often disparate activities. We’ve had a couple of excellent, creative, self-driven APs who have taught us a thing or two in this area, and a couple who have tried our patience a la Calif. Mom, above. You’re generous with the one hour of screen time (our term for it) on school days (maybe your son is better than my DD in finishing homework and other tasks) – I love that he saves up time in order to play with your AP!

Like or Dislike: 0

By: Taking a Computer Lunch

Taking a Computer Lunch — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 02:36:40 +0000

I have found that the rules of engagement change as my children get older. Yes, when they were babies I wanted my AP interacting with them — and she did a great job. Now that they’re ‘tweens they don’t need or want someone in their face all the time. My AP prepares The Camel for school in the mornings (no mean feat for a child that has no self-help skills) and keeps my son on track. In the afternoon, depending on the weather, she might take The Camel for a walk or a swim before she feeds her dinner (and once The Camel is fed and clean the AP’s shift usually ends — unless I’m working late).

The problem became how to engage my son, who sees the AP merely for his sister (and in a couple of years that will be very true). This year Wii gave him a relationship with our AP. Our AP played Wii games with her family and has been a great competitor with our boy (we, his parents, are not). Recently, however, the two of them have been playing a game in which they must work together to defeat the enemy. As violent as it might be, it warms my heart to see them working together. My son is still limited to 1 hour of media time (TV, DS, Wii, computer) on school days and 2 hours on weekends and vacation days – but now he is likely to save that time to play with our AP one or two afternoons a week.

Like or Dislike: 0

By: Calif Mom

Calif Mom — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 00:42:18 +0000

“-”,

“Too strong” depends on your perspective. My au pair works somewhere around 6 hours a day. But when I walk in the door around 6 is when she “remembers” to ask the kids about homework and tidy up the kitchen from the after-school snack.

She’s the first to ask about TV on a day when the kids have no school. And the first to “sell” me on how innocent and funny the kids’ programming is.

I’m not amused.

We have a “no screen time during the school week” rule, with exceptions for emailing relatives and very rare research for homework for my 5th grader.

Of course it’s easier than engaging their brains! That’s why the au pairs like it, too. But moderation in all things.

And follow the host parents’ rules, even if they are not the same practices they follow themselves. They are not idiots.

Like or Dislike: 0