Comments on: It’s YOUR vacation, not hers. Okay? http://AuPairMom.com/its-your-vacation-not-hers-okay/2009/02/02/celiaharquail/ Helping Host Parents and Au Pairs build great relationships. Tue, 22 May 2012 09:09:49 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Our Au Pair Doesn’t Understand How Her Actions Affect Our Family http://AuPairMom.com/its-your-vacation-not-hers-okay/2009/02/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-14828 Our Au Pair Doesn’t Understand How Her Actions Affect Our Family Sun, 21 Nov 2010 19:32:28 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=653#comment-14828 [...] also: It’s YOUR vacation, not hers. Okay? Tip: Insist on the Second-To-Last bus How to Handle Costs for a Ski Vacation: Who should pay for [...] [...] also: It’s YOUR vacation, not hers. Okay? Tip: Insist on the Second-To-Last bus How to Handle Costs for a Ski Vacation: Who should pay for [...]

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]]> By: Hula Gal http://AuPairMom.com/its-your-vacation-not-hers-okay/2009/02/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-3498 Hula Gal Thu, 10 Sep 2009 02:14:55 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=653#comment-3498 I just got back from vacation with my au pair and it went wonderfully! This entry was very helpful and I'll tell you why. With our second au pair, we traveled by car to visit my family. I had a very high level, general discussion the day before we left about expectations. But I was very vague and not specific about the details because I really wanted to have flexibility. I also felt guilty about making her work and wanted her to have some vacation time too. The trip was a disaster and one of the last straws for our match. She went home two weeks later. This time, with our third au pair, I emailed her a very detailed outline of the vacation, our expectations, her responsibilities, and assigned her very specific work hours. I did add that she needed to be flexible but she would be expected to work. We gave her the afternoons off, Saturday morning off to sleep in and all day Sunday off. We honored the 45 hour limit too. I also prepared her for the conditions of the trip. Everything turned out great and she has only been with us for a few weeks (although she is an extension au pair on her second year). So the key here is to be very explicit with your au pair and follow up by email about your expectations. Everything CV put in this post is spot on and will make all of the difference in the world with your vacation. Thanks for the very helpful post! I just got back from vacation with my au pair and it went wonderfully! This entry was very helpful and I’ll tell you why. With our second au pair, we traveled by car to visit my family. I had a very high level, general discussion the day before we left about expectations. But I was very vague and not specific about the details because I really wanted to have flexibility. I also felt guilty about making her work and wanted her to have some vacation time too. The trip was a disaster and one of the last straws for our match. She went home two weeks later. This time, with our third au pair, I emailed her a very detailed outline of the vacation, our expectations, her responsibilities, and assigned her very specific work hours. I did add that she needed to be flexible but she would be expected to work. We gave her the afternoons off, Saturday morning off to sleep in and all day Sunday off. We honored the 45 hour limit too. I also prepared her for the conditions of the trip. Everything turned out great and she has only been with us for a few weeks (although she is an extension au pair on her second year). So the key here is to be very explicit with your au pair and follow up by email about your expectations. Everything CV put in this post is spot on and will make all of the difference in the world with your vacation. Thanks for the very helpful post!

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]]> By: mama http://AuPairMom.com/its-your-vacation-not-hers-okay/2009/02/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-2110 mama Mon, 25 May 2009 23:37:18 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=653#comment-2110 I have a related vacation problem. My au pair arrived in December will have been w/ us for 6 months in a few weeks. She is a fine au pair. She is from a humble background and has probably not spent $10 on herself since arriving, because she sending $ back to family in her country. Initially, she wanted to take both of her vacation weeks in September to go back to her home country - - but I told her that taking the 2 weeks consecutively would not work (with our work schedules) and further, that taking them in September was difficult because school starts then. So we suggested several months back (and at the direction of our LCC) that she take 1 week before the end of June and her 2nd week in Sept or whenever she wants. Anyway, she has been non-responsive on giving me a week that she'd prefer in June, so at this poing I am going to "assign" her a week because I have to get on this to make up back up arrangements. Today when I brought it up, she told me that she has no money to take a vacation (since she has sent it all back home to family). I am fine if she doesn't go anywhere for her vacation (i.e., just hangs out in our town and checks out sites or goes to the local beach) but feel pressured to give in to her desires for a 2-week vacation (she has also asked for 2-weeks in August instead of September, again a no-go for us). My husband and I just cannot justify a 2-week straight vaca for the au pair when we already are taking a 2-week vaca in July (where she will go with us and work standard hours) and we take time off over the holidays too. Is anyone else dealing with this lack of proactivity on the part of the au pair taking her vacation time? I want for her to get out and enjoy our country before her year is over, too - - She needs the break and would have fun if she'd allow herself to explore! I have a related vacation problem. My au pair arrived in December will have been w/ us for 6 months in a few weeks. She is a fine au pair. She is from a humble background and has probably not spent $10 on herself since arriving, because she sending $ back to family in her country. Initially, she wanted to take both of her vacation weeks in September to go back to her home country – - but I told her that taking the 2 weeks consecutively would not work (with our work schedules) and further, that taking them in September was difficult because school starts then. So we suggested several months back (and at the direction of our LCC) that she take 1 week before the end of June and her 2nd week in Sept or whenever she wants. Anyway, she has been non-responsive on giving me a week that she’d prefer in June, so at this poing I am going to “assign” her a week because I have to get on this to make up back up arrangements. Today when I brought it up, she told me that she has no money to take a vacation (since she has sent it all back home to family).

I am fine if she doesn’t go anywhere for her vacation (i.e., just hangs out in our town and checks out sites or goes to the local beach) but feel pressured to give in to her desires for a 2-week vacation (she has also asked for 2-weeks in August instead of September, again a no-go for us). My husband and I just cannot justify a 2-week straight vaca for the au pair when we already are taking a 2-week vaca in July (where she will go with us and work standard hours) and we take time off over the holidays too. Is anyone else dealing with this lack of proactivity on the part of the au pair taking her vacation time? I want for her to get out and enjoy our country before her year is over, too – - She needs the break and would have fun if she’d allow herself to explore!

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]]> By: Ann http://AuPairMom.com/its-your-vacation-not-hers-okay/2009/02/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-817 Ann Sat, 07 Feb 2009 03:27:35 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=653#comment-817 I'm in my 3rd year of hosting au pairs. I get 4 weeks of "use it or lose it" vacation from work. Each year we have split the difference - the au pair gets to choose when to take one of her two weeks of vacation (we use back-up care at that point) and then we ask her to take her 2nd week at a specific time when our family goes away to a remote camp where she has been welcome to come, but has preferred not to. This year, during the week when we are away, our current new au pair's parents will be visiting her and staying in our home. Each year, we have also made sure to take 1-2 long weekend trips with our au pair to show her our local state including hiking up high mountains, some historical mansions, etc. Those we have considered working vacations / her time with us as family so did not take those days off her vacation allowance. In reality, I have a slighly flexible schedule and grandparents in the area so I've been able to give my au pairs extra vacation time if they had special travel plans, that's one of the few perks thats easier for me to accomodate. I think it's quite realistic to set down that their job is to make your life easier and to accomodate your schedule, but at the same time to work with their desires and plans as much as possible. So it's realistic for me to tell my au pair that mid-summer, when I usually take vacation anyway, and Christmas holiday week, when there's not much going on at my work place, and three day American holiday weekends (Memorial Day, Labor Day, etc.) are good times for her to take vacation as it's easier for me to cover childcare at those times myself. I’m in my 3rd year of hosting au pairs. I get 4 weeks of “use it or lose it” vacation from work. Each year we have split the difference – the au pair gets to choose when to take one of her two weeks of vacation (we use back-up care at that point) and then we ask her to take her 2nd week at a specific time when our family goes away to a remote camp where she has been welcome to come, but has preferred not to. This year, during the week when we are away, our current new au pair’s parents will be visiting her and staying in our home. Each year, we have also made sure to take 1-2 long weekend trips with our au pair to show her our local state including hiking up high mountains, some historical mansions, etc. Those we have considered working vacations / her time with us as family so did not take those days off her vacation allowance. In reality, I have a slighly flexible schedule and grandparents in the area so I’ve been able to give my au pairs extra vacation time if they had special travel plans, that’s one of the few perks thats easier for me to accomodate. I think it’s quite realistic to set down that their job is to make your life easier and to accomodate your schedule, but at the same time to work with their desires and plans as much as possible. So it’s realistic for me to tell my au pair that mid-summer, when I usually take vacation anyway, and Christmas holiday week, when there’s not much going on at my work place, and three day American holiday weekends (Memorial Day, Labor Day, etc.) are good times for her to take vacation as it’s easier for me to cover childcare at those times myself.

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]]> By: cvh http://AuPairMom.com/its-your-vacation-not-hers-okay/2009/02/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-804 cvh Fri, 06 Feb 2009 15:07:52 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=653#comment-804 Hi Dawn- I'll tee up that question of host parents and what/whether they should attend to issues of other host families/APs in a week or two after we capture some of the matching question energy... the question of relationships among host families/APs is important. c Hi Dawn- I’ll tee up that question of host parents and what/whether they should attend to issues of other host families/APs in a week or two after we capture some of the matching question energy… the question of relationships among host families/APs is important. c

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]]> By: Dawn http://AuPairMom.com/its-your-vacation-not-hers-okay/2009/02/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-800 Dawn Fri, 06 Feb 2009 14:09:20 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=653#comment-800 Oh, I also wanted to just clarify that my follow-up question (above) regarding what, if anything, you would do if you thought another host family was taking advantage of their AP was NOT meant to suggest that requiring your AP to take her vacation time during yours was "taking advantage." That was really a separate question -- I had in mind more the situation where a host family requires their AP to work more than 10 hours a day and/or 45 hours a week, requires their AP to care for the children overnight, etc. -- something that's clearly not allowed by the federal regulations. Would you bring this to the attention of your LCC, or just "mind your own business"? Oh, I also wanted to just clarify that my follow-up question (above) regarding what, if anything, you would do if you thought another host family was taking advantage of their AP was NOT meant to suggest that requiring your AP to take her vacation time during yours was “taking advantage.” That was really a separate question — I had in mind more the situation where a host family requires their AP to work more than 10 hours a day and/or 45 hours a week, requires their AP to care for the children overnight, etc. — something that’s clearly not allowed by the federal regulations. Would you bring this to the attention of your LCC, or just “mind your own business”?

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]]> By: Dawn http://AuPairMom.com/its-your-vacation-not-hers-okay/2009/02/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-799 Dawn Fri, 06 Feb 2009 14:03:39 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=653#comment-799 Thanks for the feedback on the question of requiring your AP to take her vacation when you do. I guess if some agencies actually recommend doing that, it must be allowed! For me, we do have the luxury of having family in the area, so we can be more flexible with when our AP takes her vacation as long as she gives us advance notice. For families who have that kind of flexibility, that does seem (to me) to be the more "fair" approach. I do see a difference between jobs or industries where there are certain times when you CAN'T take your vacation, as opposed to them being able to dictate when you MUST take your vacation. (Maybe I'm spoiled, but I can't imagine my boss ever saying to me, "our office will be closed the second week of March, so you'll have to use your vacation time then.") Just as I wouldn't want to be forced by my boss to take a vacation at her convenience (even if, for example, my husband wasn't able to take time off at the same time!), I'm glad that I am able to give our AP's the flexibility to choose when to use their vacation days, so that they can plan trips with friends rather than being forced to use their vacation time at the same time I do. I agree with Marguerite that this is something that would be helpful to spell out in advance with a potential AP -- it goes back to CVH's general suggestion that it's always better to have expectations clearly explained in advance. Thanks for the feedback on the question of requiring your AP to take her vacation when you do. I guess if some agencies actually recommend doing that, it must be allowed! For me, we do have the luxury of having family in the area, so we can be more flexible with when our AP takes her vacation as long as she gives us advance notice. For families who have that kind of flexibility, that does seem (to me) to be the more “fair” approach. I do see a difference between jobs or industries where there are certain times when you CAN’T take your vacation, as opposed to them being able to dictate when you MUST take your vacation. (Maybe I’m spoiled, but I can’t imagine my boss ever saying to me, “our office will be closed the second week of March, so you’ll have to use your vacation time then.”)

Just as I wouldn’t want to be forced by my boss to take a vacation at her convenience (even if, for example, my husband wasn’t able to take time off at the same time!), I’m glad that I am able to give our AP’s the flexibility to choose when to use their vacation days, so that they can plan trips with friends rather than being forced to use their vacation time at the same time I do.

I agree with Marguerite that this is something that would be helpful to spell out in advance with a potential AP — it goes back to CVH’s general suggestion that it’s always better to have expectations clearly explained in advance.

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]]> By: Marguerite http://AuPairMom.com/its-your-vacation-not-hers-okay/2009/02/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-784 Marguerite Thu, 05 Feb 2009 19:01:13 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=653#comment-784 A thought : there are lots of people who do in fact have to take vacation when their bosses ( or industries ) require it. Teachers , for instance, have specific vacation times that are not negotiable. Tax accountants have to work like crazy Jan - April 15th. Landscapers and construction workers have busy seasons and pediatricians and internists know that lots of people get sick in the winter. A friend in the jewelry buusiness told me there are times of the year when she absolutely cannot take vacation. This is the sort of thing that should be clearly spelled out when you interviews someone ( like working on New Year's Eve ). A thought : there are lots of people who do in fact have to take vacation when their bosses ( or industries ) require it. Teachers , for instance, have specific vacation times that are not negotiable. Tax accountants have to work like crazy Jan – April 15th. Landscapers and construction workers have busy seasons and pediatricians and internists know that lots of people get sick in the winter.
A friend in the jewelry buusiness told me there are times of the year when she absolutely cannot take vacation.
This is the sort of thing that should be clearly spelled out when you interviews someone ( like working on New Year’s Eve ).

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]]> By: Anna http://AuPairMom.com/its-your-vacation-not-hers-okay/2009/02/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-772 Anna Wed, 04 Feb 2009 17:10:42 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=653#comment-772 Dawn, regarding your question about giving au pair vacation time while the family is taking vacation. I don't think it is unfair, because yes, a boss CAN say to ME, that a particular time I want to vacation he requires me to be at work. It really depends on the job. For working parents, vacation time is very limited, and often there is no option for them to stay home 2 weeks taking care of the kids while an au pair takes her desired vacation time slot, and also have an opportunity to take 2 weeks a year vacation themselves while au pair is on duty. Not everybody has 4 weeks vacation to do that. In my arrangement, the vacation time is mutually agreed upon. If it is not possible, she chooses one her two weeks, and I choose when she takes another! It is fair according to my agency's handbook, in fact that is what they suggest. Dawn, regarding your question about giving au pair vacation time while the family is taking vacation. I don’t think it is unfair, because yes, a boss CAN say to ME, that a particular time I want to vacation he requires me to be at work. It really depends on the job.
For working parents, vacation time is very limited, and often there is no option for them to stay home 2 weeks taking care of the kids while an au pair takes her desired vacation time slot, and also have an opportunity to take 2 weeks a year vacation themselves while au pair is on duty. Not everybody has 4 weeks vacation to do that. In my arrangement, the vacation time is mutually agreed upon. If it is not possible, she chooses one her two weeks, and I choose when she takes another! It is fair according to my agency’s handbook, in fact that is what they suggest.

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]]> By: D http://AuPairMom.com/its-your-vacation-not-hers-okay/2009/02/02/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-771 D Wed, 04 Feb 2009 16:49:27 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=653#comment-771 This is such a great post! THANKS! We too have come across this same situation & have been soo disappointed. Which ultimately made a family vacation come apart. We LOVE our au pairs and love to take them with us.....we are thrilled to pay for everything and hope in the end we see excitement in their eyes & enjoy it. We are tickled to give them an experience they enjoy. But our high hopes haven't even been close on our 2 trips thus far and 2 very different au pairs. So clearly our expectations are not realistic. As previous post from someone of 14 au pairs....this has been the trickiest situation to handle. Truth of the matter ..... these girls are supposed to be family & be welcomed into the american family as a loved family member. Thats what the au pair program is all about. That involves family trips as well. To be honest, when it comes down to the point we have to count 1/2 time, 3/4 time & full time hours....then manage it by an excel spreadsheet....this is sad. Is this how it should be done? Probably so, so the au pair knows it's fair. But yet, in the end its just sad and not what the experience is all about. We had the conversation with our au pair about vacations recently....and ultimately she really doesn't want to go. You know, she prefers to stay home with friends, do her own thing. Thats her being honest. So we respect that. And honestly in the end.....we'd rather have that then an upset au pair on vacation....bringing the entire vacation to a hault. Only thing this post doesn't cover is how to handle the situation where we as a host family wishes the au pair travel with us as a family & we'll pay for it. But what if the au pair prefers to stay home? How to handle that? The car priledges? The House priveleges? Friends Over? Trust while she is away? Her stipend? We can't force her to go, but yet....she is an au pair & family member in our home.....and the au pair is denying her time with us. :) As when you refuse to be part of the family ultimately you are opting out of the family. Thats not fair to the family either. There has to be reasonable compromise. Thoughts? This is such a great post! THANKS! We too have come across this same situation & have been soo disappointed. Which ultimately made a family vacation come apart.

We LOVE our au pairs and love to take them with us…..we are thrilled to pay for everything and hope in the end we see excitement in their eyes & enjoy it. We are tickled to give them an experience they enjoy. But our high hopes haven’t even been close on our 2 trips thus far and 2 very different au pairs. So clearly our expectations are not realistic. As previous post from someone of 14 au pairs….this has been the trickiest situation to handle.

Truth of the matter ….. these girls are supposed to be family & be welcomed into the american family as a loved family member. Thats what the au pair program is all about. That involves family trips as well. To be honest, when it comes down to the point we have to count 1/2 time, 3/4 time & full time hours….then manage it by an excel spreadsheet….this is sad. Is this how it should be done? Probably so, so the au pair knows it’s fair. But yet, in the end its just sad and not what the experience is all about.

We had the conversation with our au pair about vacations recently….and ultimately she really doesn’t want to go. You know, she prefers to stay home with friends, do her own thing. Thats her being honest. So we respect that. And honestly in the end…..we’d rather have that then an upset au pair on vacation….bringing the entire vacation to a hault.

Only thing this post doesn’t cover is how to handle the situation where we as a host family wishes the au pair travel with us as a family & we’ll pay for it. But what if the au pair prefers to stay home? How to handle that? The car priledges? The House priveleges? Friends Over? Trust while she is away? Her stipend? We can’t force her to go, but yet….she is an au pair & family member in our home…..and the au pair is denying her time with us. :) As when you refuse to be part of the family ultimately you are opting out of the family. Thats not fair to the family either. There has to be reasonable compromise. Thoughts?

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