Comments on: Is Snooping in your Au Pair’s room ever okay?

By: aupair

aupair — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 23:22:10 +0000

I have to say, I let my HM amd HD to come into my room. They first knock politely at the door and then I invite them inside. Maybe often they just tell me they will go inside to take/ fix something. BUT TO SEARCH IN MY RUBBISH BIN??????? omg…I can’t believe that some of you do that! it shows the lack of respect you have for your AP’s intimacy. it’s really desgusting!
and to read her diary or to open her computer or drawers?
i’m shocked…and it suppose you are the mature ones…if you suspect your AP of something, why don’t you just confront her in face? why you have to smell her clothes and then to say, on a public space, about their bad way of taking care of themselves? why don’t you just say : hey, i think you smoke, I can smell it? I would like you to stop it?
and to go into your AP’s room on her back…..what kind of persons are you? teenagers?
I’m really desgusted….I can’t find something else more horrible than shooping in a bin!

By: Should be working

Should be working — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 18:00:00 +0000

Shame on me! Turns out she had paid it online, told DH all about it AFTER she had already handled it herself. Serves me right for garbage-snooping.

By: GermanAupair in USA

GermanAupair *in USA* — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 03:03:25 +0000

Wow, I am surprised about how many HP snoop!
I have a very good relationship with my hostparents and I cannot imagine them sneaking in my room when I’m out – on the other hand, if they did, I would feel deeply mistrusted and betrayed. Even since I don’t have anything to hide (honestly, I don’t even write a diary) and would always “invite” them in my room, when I am there, it is a matter of respect in my opinion.
In contrast to what a lot of HP wrote , I wouldn’t go into my hostparent’s bedroom either. I don’t feel that it is right to invade in someone’s private sphere this way. Like others wrote earlier, if you don’t trust you Aupair and think she takes drugs etc. you should probably re-match.

By: CV

CV — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 20:36:30 +0000

Thanks SO much for sharing the rest of the story with us! And, it’s great to know that things are working out well, all stinkiness aside.

By: The Original Smoke-Snoop Poster

The Original Smoke-Snoop Poster — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 19:58:33 +0000

Update and, I believe, closure:
A friend with an ‘independent nose’ came over and said he didn’t smell anything–and I really thought he would! Then I did a little more snooping, i.e. literally sniffing around her closet (TMI warning) and noticed that, um, her laundry/odor standards are definitely not American, i.e. her clothes clearly had been worn a number of times without being washed. Smoke was only a secondary odor on them, if you get the drift. I have no problem with that, in fact, I’m only concerned about whether there is live smoking in her room. And I respect the non-American reasonableness and ecological restraint around laundering.

Meanwhile I also noticed that from my office, with my window slightly open, I know precisely when someone has lit up 20 feet away from the entrance below my 4th-story office. So live smoke is different, I have a ridiculously sensitive nose, and I would smell it, I think, if there were live smoke.

And also DH and I both told her pointedly again, a week ago, about no smoking in the house. And lately I don’t smell smoke, just an old smoke smell in her room which I do believe is clothes.

She is so wonderful, and we are so happy with her, I’m reconciled to this issue. AND I got DH’s promise that when she leaves HE will be responsible for any repainting, steam cleaning or anything else that needs doing.

By: Reggie

Reggie — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 01:10:51 +0000

I had this issue with our first aupair. Dh thought he smelled smoke coming from her room her second night in the house. We asked her if she was smoking, she said no and insisted that it came from outside the house (she often left her window open). This went on for 3 weeks. Dh and I wanted to check her room but couldn’t bring ourself to snoop. One morning on my way out of the house with the AP and my kids, I mentioned to my house keeper (a darling woman who has worked for my family for years and sees my kids and grandchildren) that we kept smelling smoke. I asked to to let me know if she noticed anything while vacuuming at AP’s room. My house keeper went through the APs room and found cigarettes, some packs and many stubs. We confronted her about it. The AP denied smoking until I finally told her that our house keeper found her smokes. She finally admitted it but by then we didn’t trust her anymore so we ended the match immediately. It was a good thing too. Not only was she smoking in the house, some of our jewelry including my husband’s wedding ring disappeared during those 3 weeks. Thankfully our rematch AP (who has been absolutely wonderful) found Dh’s wedding ring in the corner of the top shelf in her closet 10 months later but I will never see any of the other pieces again.

Bottom line: If you think you smell smoke, you do smell smoke.

So, my advice to you is to either snoop or if you want to be more confrontational, ask your AP to show you her drawers. While we do need to respect their privacy, APs live in our homes. Not only does smoking cause property damage and in my case as an asthmatic, health problems, lying is indicative of other dishonest behavior. Also as an aside, my AD was surprised I gave our AP the benefit of the doubt for as long as I did.

Sorry you are going through this!

By: AnonHMinPNW

AnonHMinPNW — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 17:13:54 +0000

I feel very strongly about not going into the APs room. I’m not sure what I would do if I did suspect something like drugs or prostitution. I would go in to close a window, but I wouldn’t go in to vacuum without permission. The one time I did go in without explicit permission was a Saturday morning– our house was on the market, I had told her there was a showing Sat morning, and she chose to go out Friday night. She said she would be back and clean up before the showing, but 10 mins before we had to leave, she still wasn’t back, so I went in and made her bed, put any clothes that were out in a basket in her closet, and roughly piled up some stuff on her desk. I saw stuff I felt was personal, but did my best to put my blinders on and ignore it all.

For our first 2 APs, they shared the family computer. I gave them their own account, but had parental protections on (limited to no porn, no installing applications without permission; I think it automatically kept track of when they logged in and out, but I ignored those logs). Our second AP (who lied multiple times and was otherwise untrustworthy) kept wanting to install gambling applications; it then occurred to me that gambling apps on the family computer in the family, where she can play and make it “normal” for the kids to see, was something I’m uncomfortable with, and added it to the rule book for the next AP.

By: aria

aria — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 09:16:42 +0000

Kudos X 50, you sound like an amazing HM.

By: A Nonny Mouse

A Nonny Mouse — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 20:39:09 +0000

I would just like to add that I have an incredibly sensitive nose and if someone was even standing next to a smoker the day before I can smell it on their jacket/scarf/…etc. It is also possible that she goes places where others smoke and it gets in her clothes. Hopefully that is the case.

By: NannyKelly

NannyKelly — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 12:14:17 +0000

As an au pair, my room was “snooped” on numerous occasions. The mom would make comments that made me believe there was snooping going on. One weekend after being away, I had accidently left my phone charger at the HF house and my phone died before I returned. The morning after I returned the mom asked me if I had received her msg (it wasn’t urgent) and I said “no, my phone died while I was gone…” and she quickly said “your charger is here, isn’t it?”. I thought that was a bit strange due to the set up of my room she would have had to been snooping to find my charger. The outlet and location of the phone charger was fit tightly in small space between my bed and a bookshelf, only noticable if she had been snooping through the bookshelf.
Also, when I returned from the Christmas holidays all of my clothes had been rearranged in my drawers. Maybe a nice gesture of her to fold my clothes? But probably really her just snooping and then using that as an excuse (they weren’t the nicest people).
Another time, I came home from a weekend away to see jackets rearranged, my bed rearranged and things in my closet rearranged.

There’s nothing they could have ever found, but they were after me!