Comments on: In Loco Parentis? Your Parental Responsibilities when your AP’s behavior challenges your values

By: NewAPMama

NewAPMama — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 21:34:15 +0000

Well, as someone else said, while we are strict, we are also very flexible. Our aupair doesn’t have to work the full 45 hours a week, and has other priviledges. Our home is always welcome to her aupair friends, and there are constantly other girls here hanging out. So, obviously it can’t be that bad. Our aupair knows we care about her. I saw that many other mom’s on here have a curfew as well. The only thing we do different is she sleeps here. But from what I gathered, that is preferred by other host families rather than have someone who is never home. We had quite a few girls to choose from. Many didn’t want to come to the U.S. to party, and truly wanted to be part of a family that cared about them, and included them as a family member.

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By: Az.

Az. — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 21:29:27 +0000

With all due respect for your morals, that’s ridiculous and frankly I’m amazed you managed to match with an au pair who knew that in advance.

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By: NewAPMama

NewAPMama — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 21:21:18 +0000

Well, I’m sorry if it doesn’t seem fair to you. And yes, of course I am very clear about things when matching. I do not want someone coming to our family and expecting one thing to only find out it is not. That is not fair to anyone. Our current aupair is wonderful, and happy. She has many priviledges that her friends do not have. And having heard some of the stories that she has told me regarding the other aupairs, I am okay with our rules. And I’m also sorry you feel that that is controlling. I can assure you that is not the case.

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By: Dosi

Dosi — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 21:13:24 +0000

That doesn’t seem fair. Nor does it seem an issue of “morals and standards” — it seems more like a control issue. Children love sleepovers. While APs are not children, they are still in the age range where they enjoy all-night movie marathons, junk food and giggling. (I am still in that age range, too — I just have to fly across country, or go to Vegas, to have those kinds of nights with my friends).

Having said this, it is your house, they are your rules. I hope your current AP is okay with this. I hope in the future you make this very clear prior to matching.

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By: NewAPMama

NewAPMama — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 21:05:16 +0000

Our curfew rules apply even if she didn’t work that day. So she doesn’t spend the night anywhere else. I would allow another AP to sleep at our house if necessary. We do make an exception on sleeping elsewhere when she is traveling, of course. But it is our home, and we know what standards and morals we want kept.

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By: NoVA Host Mom

NoVA Host Mom — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 13:52:38 +0000

In response to the OP, I would say it is important to determine your comfort level.

You have already stated that you are just not comfortable with the car going to X location (boyfriend’s house or not). So, that is settled. The car cannot go.

As for the AP, I think you need to pull back maybe a tad. Certainly requiring no overnights the night before she works is very reasonable (we are of the “curfew before work” breed ourselves), but allowing her to spend the night with friends, any friends she chooses, on her weekends off is very reasonable. A 35min drive to pick up your girlfriend is not unreasonable at all (and very common where we live, where a 9 mile drive can take 20 to 30 minutes), and frankly (at least to me) shows a level of respect to the girlfriend, your AP.

It’s a hard line to walk as the “Host Parents”. Your are parents, but your aren’t. You are there for guidance, sort of, and then again you are employers. We really are a breed of our own in this. Personally, we are not trying to have the AP follow our personal morals and inner rules, but certainly as a parent I feel a certain level of responsiblity for making sure I send AP home to her family in one piece and breathing. After that, there is some level of learning through experience that every young lady needs to do. At 20, it’s time to let her learn. Hang in there!

(oh, and the comment about establishing what the kids are told is GREAT!)

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By: DarthaStewart

DarthaStewart — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 14:15:23 +0000

I too love it when they take the education component seriously. I don’t have quite as many degrees as you do, but am looking at going back to school in the 2011 school year for an MBA. I like it when they like to learn, and it helps with the kids.

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By: TX Mom

TX Mom — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 14:04:51 +0000

My mom and mother-in-law became very wise when I had my first child.

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By: Taking a Computer Lunch

Taking a Computer Lunch — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 20:53:45 +0000

One evening, after I had been in an intense discussion with my son, my parting words were, “You think I’m always wrong now, but just wait until your 19 and living on your own, and then you’ll discover how right I was.” My AP, who was present, laughed and nodded. She had been going head-to-head with her mother, and the physical distance had helped them grow closer. By the time her mother came for a visit nine months later, they had a great time together. This AP had done a lot of risky things, but not many more than I had done myself when I had been her age and living away from home for the first time (and when I realized my mother knew more than I had thought she had!).

While I do my best to play neutral with my au pairs, as long as they are doing what I ask of them and what the AP program demands of them, I do push them toward keeping an open mind and being flexible about the future. I have had two European APs who came saying no university, no way, never, and one is 2/3 of the way through her university program and another is about to start. Two other APs have completed university programs that had begun before they had arrived. My current AP came having completed her BA.

I must say, because I have a PhD, a couple of Master’s degrees, and have been studying foreign languages part-time for the last 5 years, that I am prejudiced when it comes to education, so I am always pleased when my APs the education component seriously. Most of mine have, even when their friends had not.

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By: TX Mom

TX Mom — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 19:42:27 +0000

I think this is a great topic with little guidance for the HP’s from the agencies.

Our experience has been that when the AP’s parents speak a common language with us we have had better experiences as HP’s. The APs’ families have become extended family and although we may be more liberal or more strict than their parents, we always have a mutual respect between the AP’s parents and us. When we do not have the ability to communicate with the AP’s parents (other than through the AP) we have not grown together as an extended family. I know that those APs’ parents have trusted us like the other parents have, but it feels like we are in total isolation dealing with their daughter. At times when you need to behave in loco parentis the AP is usually in some gray area of behavior and shouldn’t be the translator between HP’s and parents as s/he will manipulate things to fit the grey lense s/he is wearing at the time.
We don’t change the rules in our household based upon the rules of the AP’s family, BUT, I always ask, “What does your mother think?” because ultimately the AP has to learn to think for herself. I HOPE that by the time my children are 18 – 26 years old they already know what I think and I have been able to mold them to think more like me. Because if my kids do some of the things we have dealt with as HP’s, I’ll have an anuerism. I’m not talking about the “bang up the car” or the “walk of shame” rites of passage. I mean doing anything to get a green card or not pursing a skill or education…

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