Housework. The contested terrain.
Just what housework tasks are appropriate to ask your au pair to do?
"The rules" say that your au pair is in charge of things related to the kids. BUT since the kids shared the house with at least one adult, there is always some overlap as well as jointly-created mess. So where do you draw the line between what’s part of your au pair’s job, and what is not?
Maya writes:
Are my APs the only APs that are not required to do any cleaning other then clean kids rooms one a week?
How much cleaning do you require your APs to do? Does the amount of cleaning/chores depend on the total amount of time they work (out of their 45 allotted hours) or does that not play into it? I am curious now.
Here are the lines we draw in my house. Your mileage may vary…so don’t get mad at me, okay?
Her stuff:
- Clean her room, do her laundry, clean her bathroom (if she has her own).
- Wash any dishes & pots that she alone uses in the kitchen
- Pick up after herself in kitchen and rest of house.
Kids’ Stuff:
- Tidy kids’ bedrooms (daily).
- Change kids’ sheets.
- Wash kids’ sheets.
- Wash kids’ laundry.
- Leave laundry room as tidy as she found it (which is not asking that much, in my house).
- Tidy up after kids in the bathroom (e.g., put away towels).
- Clean up any mess made during the preparation and enjoyment of kids’ meals.
- Keep designated "kid areas" tidy. (Kids areas in my house include worktable in kitchen, kids’ CD collection, "art room" (corner of laundry room), kids’ toy closet, kids’ coat closet, back seat of car.) Tidy means: neat and organized enough so that the kids are able to put things away themselves. (Remember, my kids are 8 & 10, so they do some of their own stuff. Often, the au pair supervises or helps them with their chores rather than cleaning herself).
Shared territory:
- Sweep the kitchen floor after preparing kids’ meal.
- Occasionally clean the sink, after preparing kids’ meal.
As far as ‘pitching in’, we ask our au pair to empty the dishwasher and dish drainer as her family chore. I don’t expect her to do any other kind of house stuff beyond that and helping to clear the table, etc. after a family meal.
Host parent stuff:
- None. And I mean *none*.
I personally don’t think it’s fair to have your au pair:
- Clean the bathroom that only the kids use (the big, weekly cleaning).
- Vacuum the playroom (unless there has been a glitter-spreading event).
Other stuff?
We all know that it’s "against the rules" to pay an au pair to do extra housework.
Still, I know that some families try this– so let’s save that as a topic for another day. In the meantime:
What do you ask your au pair to do?
What’s the rationale behind where you draw the line?
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IJC,
I am very sorry you were treated so unfairly while being an au pair.
However 30-35 hrs work requirement here in America is just going to kill the program. The program here is for a full-time caregiver, and only those girls capable of it, and who really love kids, should get in. If I wanted a mother’s helper I would hire a teenage high school student for $5/hr. Much cheaper. Unfortunately I don’t need a mother’s helper, I need an adult (a mature young adult) caregiver while I am at work.
IJC – Well, if you decide to become an au pair, you know that you will live together with a hostfamily, and are not treated as an employe, and some au pairs don’t want to be left alone, but included into the family life.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience, but I’ve never heard of hostparents calling their au pair names. Of course, most au pairs need some down-time sometimes, but I don’t think that you can really generalize an au pair-hostfamily relationship, as every one is really unique. Yes, there are au pairs who want to be left alone and who feel disturbed by their host family in their freetime, but there are also au pairs who enjoy spending time with their hostfamily, even in their freetime.
I guess the reason why au pairs in the USA are allowed to work for up to 45 hours is that that’s what hostfamilies need. If my hostfamily could only make the au pair work for 30 hours a week, they wouldn’t get an au pair, because both parents work way more than that. I think in Europe people work less in general, or at least one of the parents does. And another big difference to the au pair programm in the US is, that there is no restriction what kind of housework au pairs can do, as it is not limited to child-related chores.
In the US, the program regulations allow the au pair to only do child-related chores, so what your hostfamily asked you to do was way too much (that’s one reason why there are LCCs you can talk to). So the regulations in Europe are worse in my opinion.
Sorry about the off-topic
Theresa, I understand what you’re saying about the au pair being part of the family and being included in the family’s life. That’s great, but many host families (as an au pair I also met other au pairs and so heard alot from other people) seem to resent the au pair having any time alone at all. I’m sure that not all host parents are this way, but the fact is that many are. For example, in my case, I would usually want to spend a few evenings a week hanging out in the house with the kids & host parents, but that wasn’t good enough for them. If I went into my bedroom and closed the door for a moment, the family would come in and start demanding that I do things for them. I couldn’t get a moment of peace at any time of the day until they went to bed. They always expected me to give up my evenings and weekends (which they had promised would be free, and when I had already worked over the maximum allowed time) to babysit, take the kids to sports classes, and every weekend they expected me to go and stay in their country cottage with them, even if I had already made plans. I just couldn’t get a moment’s peace, and from what I’ve heard from other au pairs, that is not uncommon. Some, not all, but some host families simply do not respect the au pair’s right to free time at all. Also, I get what you are saying about the host family not being treated solely like an employee, but still, the fact is that your host family is your employer and so you’ve always got to act in a way that they will like, there’s no break from it unless you can go out somewhere. The au pair has always got to think of what the host family think of her actions. It’s not like living with your real family where you don’t have to try and impress them all the time.
Okay, I misunderstood that. I can see what you are saying. It is wrong to demand that you do things for them in your time off. It is just not being nice. Sorry you had that kind of experience. I haven’t heard of that at all in my cluster, not sure if it happens a whole lot. Just as there are au pairs who have to realize that they come to the US to work, there are families who have to realize that their au pair is not available to them 24/7.
Well this wasn’t actually in the US, so I didn’t have a LCC to help me. I just met the family on a website.
Hi IJC.
As a full-time working parent in the U.S., I need full-time childcare. In order to work a “full” 8-hour day at my company, I need 10 hours of childcare per day, to cover the driving time to/from work, including traffic, and a small break for lunch. (Please remember that many Americans live a 60-minute drive from work, and that in the US corporate culture, working an 8-hour day is looked upon as the bare minimum; if you really want to succeed and get a management position, companies really expect you to work longer hours). So my choices for childcare are a professional nanny that costs twice as much as an au pair; a daycare center; or an au pair. My daughter used to go to a daycare center that was open from 7:30am-5:30pm, so those are the same hours that I expect from my AP (on the days she works a full day).
I consider that her job is easier than that of the childcare workers at the daycare, because she can just roll out of bed and come upstairs, I care much less what she wears, she can and eat breakfast during her working hours, she has only one child to watch, and I don’t expect the same professional standards of her as I did at the childcare center. Most professional childcare providers in the US (nannies, childcare centers) work or are open 50 to 60 hours a week, so I consider 45 hours a week for an AP reasonable.
I think the rules of the US AP program are clear and fair, they guarantee an AP a clear number of evenings, weekends, etc time off per week/month and limit of hours per day and a clear “on-duty/off-duty” schedule. So both the AP and host family can plan their lives. And I think the study/travel component also adds a nice cultural dimension so it’s not just a day job.
I have heard that APs in the UK have much less clarity about when their on-duty/off-duty hours are and can end up “tied” to the house and not being able to go out except on weekends.
Both of my APs have been university graduates who have worked before and before they came over I clearly explained to them that this is a difficult job, but that they would be rewarded with the love of my daughter, the gratitude of my family, and the experience of living in the United States.
Maybe the au pair agencies should be a bit more choosy about which girls they recruit? Alot of au pairs in the US do seem to quit and go home early because they can’t cope with the demands on them. Or maybe they should raise the age at which girls can become au pairs? If cutting the hours isn’t an option, some tweaks to the system should be made to prevent so many dropouts. I’m sure that some agencies don’t explain to the girls how tough being an au pair is, alot of girls seem to go into it with rose-tinted glasses. Also, some (not all but definitely some) host parents, not just in the US but all over the world, really don’t appreciate the hours the girls put in and don’t consider their job hard when it really can be.
We recently had to ask for a rematch, because our au pair thought she was coming to America to teach her culture, go to American University, and be part of American family, not to work. She was under the impression she was coming to be part of a family on a paid vacation and even stated in the end “you said I was to be like family and family NO WORK”
I urge everyone to make sure the au pairs know they coming for a job. Hopefully they enjoy it.
Since we’re transitioning now, I just read this one again. Housework, and not interacting with our children, were what ruined our relationship with the outgoing AP. She wanted all the benefits of being “on par” without the responsibility. We asked her to unload the dishes three days a week, and she almost never hit this benchmark. We asked her to cook dinner 1 day a week, and she did it about every other week and would never tell me in advance (we have a calendar and she and my husband were each supposed to choose one day at the beginning of the week) so I was always worried about what everyone would eat, then occasionally would come home to a dinner I wasn’t expecting at all. We asked her to vacuum the play area weekly and sweep under the kids’ table every day, and I know she never vacuumed and IDK how often she swept–but not enough to matter.
I have heard, and read, from SO many HM’s “I’d much rather have my AP interacting with my kids than cleaning up!” Yeah, so would I have. But she wasn’t doing that either–they were watching 3-5 hours of TV a day, which as someone pointed out to me here, was the bulk of their waking time during her work day. She did work a 45 hour week but 8 or more of those hours, she was sleeping (when we left the house early in the morning), and 8-10 more the little kids were napping (big kid is in school all day). So there was PLENTY of down time. She didn’t have homework, because she never took a single class in 6 months.
I am with you — I think that my AP can find plenty of time to interact with my children and do the basic chores that I set out for her (kid laundry, once weekly kid room cleaning, 1/3 of adult household responsibilities.)
The one dinner a week — that seems a bit more tricky. Of 3 APs, I have only had one that would have been able to pull that off. If this is important to you, assign a night per week (every Tuesday), a day when she has to give you a grocery list, and anticipate a lot of guidance. Be pleasantly surprised if it doesn’t go that way.
Thanks for the feedback–I’m really trying to figure out if I’m being unreasonable. And I should clarify–when I say cook dinner, I by no means expect something elaborate. DiGiorno pizzas, canned soup and sandwiches (or leftover soup, etc), frozen lasagna, or soups or casseroles I’ve prepared and frozen. In other words, convenience foods that I don’t cook but I do buy for the days when I am not home before 6:30 or 7. I’m fine doing all of the more elaborate cooking.
If that is what you mean by cook dinner, I think that is fully reasonable. Some APs might still need some guidance (“Pizza in oven at 5:30, serve with salad mix and sliced bread”), but I don’t think you are out of bound in expecting that (at least) one night per week.
Yeah, I don’t think it’s expecting a lot. This frees me up to cook one or two nice meals a week, maybe have dinner out once a week, and the other2 nights are covered by AP or husband. My husband, God love him, has ONE go-to recipe and I will happily eat chicken enchiladas with bagged salad once a week in trade for the sense of relief I feel at getting home to a warm meal.
When asked if they like to cook, almost all APs will answer yes (who doesn’t want to please a potential employer). When pressed what they like to cook, almost all will answer “Pasta.”
Since I cook from scratch 4-5 days a week (I do work 6:30 am – 3:00 pm), I personally don’t consider warming food cooking. It’s warming food.
However, I’m with Dorsi. Most APs have absolutely zero experience in food preparation. I find that you have to be explicit. What are you making? Is there a vegetable accompanying this dish? (No, potatoes are not a vegetable.) I have found that when DH and I go out, many of the APs we have had over the years have expected that 1) we will prepare something for them and the kids before we go – even if it is just heating up leftovers, 2) if we expect them to cook, we need to be explicit about it in advance, and 3) if we want a vegetable that is green, red, or yellow, we have to demand its presence on the table.
Out of 6 APs, we had two that grew up cooking for family members and enjoyed cooking food from their country. We had two that could prepare elaborate meals from their country and would occasionally do so to spoil the kids, but we’re otherwise happy not to think about dinner. And, we’ve had two non-cooking APs. (They were excellent at what they did do, but cooking wasn’t one of their skills.)
With the exception of our first AP, who had The Camel as a handicapped “toddler” (she wasn’t walking so she was like an infant) and my son as an infant – who worked her butt off everyday keeping both kids therapy appts., feeding schedules, and found time to read and play with both (and liked housework as little as DH and I), every AP has been tidier than we. Now that our AP works 5 1/2 hours or less a day, we ask her to clean The Camel’s bedroom and bathroom (which does get done) and help the boy pick up his room (which rarely does).
Both APs we have had so far THOUGHT they could cook but were absolutely terrible. I have to learn to not hold back when explaining EXACTLY how light-brown a frozen pizza should be when finished, and to tell them to wait 5 min before slicing (as per directions) so that it doesn’t turn into a sloppy mess. They were both so careless with such easy things, like Krusteaz pancake mix. On the other hand, our American babysitters haven’t been great either, and the American babysitters in my experience NEVER wash the dishes. Usually they leave them on the table, and leave all the food out. Even when they have been watching tv since the kids went to bed at 8pm, and we get home at midnight.
We’ve had success with the cooking food thing – only 2/2 so far but we did make it explicit in matching. We have set days for them. We changed recently so that once she starts classes she doesn’t have to “home” so much. However, I’m going to start charting the other chores. 6 weeks in and she hasn’t yet vacuumed the kids’ area and she didn’t pick an “assigned” duty. She washes their clothes but only if it is in the book, etc. I hate micromanaging, but I’d rather write something for her to check off than have to do it myself I think we’ll do a “let’s go over the hand book thing” and then add it into the schedule, which she follows well.
We’ve had very good luck on the cooking front. Like azmom, we make the cooking expectations clear during matching. We make clear in our family letter that our AP will be expected to cook for herself and the kids around 3 times/week and that we have simple recipes that can be followed. Yes, that means that our APs are cooking from scratch! Nothing fancy – pasta with meat sauce, baked mac & cheese, tacos, soup, chicken, etc. During the first two weeks, we go over basics like making favorite recipes together, browning meat, US measurement s, etc. It’s worked so far, but might be luck. With our American nannies, I took for granted that they’d be able to pick up a recipe and prepare it – and they all could.
Regarding housework, our 3 APs have been expected to wash the kids’ laundry, change their beds weekly, vacuum the kitchen floor daily, clean up after meals they prepare, load the dishwasher (or get the kids to do it), and empty the dishwasher once a week (kids do it most of the time). Haven’t had too much of an issue with these basics. Our nannies were better at general toy & kids’ room cleanup, but I think that this was also a function of having younger kids and our house overall being less of a disaster clutter zone. I also expect my kids to be doing more of this now.
Someone mentioned that maybe an Aupair might actually quite like doing some extra housework instead of extra childminding hours.
When I was an Aupair I wasn’t expected to clean as my hostmum said she preferred me playing with the kids. But obviously I still did the kids laundry, changed sheets and cleaned and vaccumed their rooms.
I unloaded the dsihwasher every day and after I left it became the official aupair ‘chore’ to do so
From time to time I vaccumed the kitchen, living room and playroom, mopped the floors and even washed the dog beds. One day I even hosed down the window screens as they were covered in pollen
I don’t think my hostmum even realised I did so half the time, so she never thanked me but I still didn’t mind doing it, it was just part of me living under their roof and sharing their house with them.
With our first au pair I was hopeful that maybe she would want to cook a meal one night a week for the family. Her profile said she liked to cook. Once she arrived I realized she had never even been in the kitchen to cook anything. I had to teach her how to make Mac and Cheese and she burned that probably 5 times. I tried modeling behavior in the kitchen and tried showing her how to cut a melon in half. She was in tears. For me it as not worth the time and energy in had to put forth to teach her. I just did it myself. Not to forget to mention she was a vegetarian. I knew this before eher arrival, but she said no worries she could prepare her own food. Her idea of preparing a meal was eating granola and yogurt. In the end I ended up preparing her separate veg dinners because I did not want my au pair to become iron deficient and starve. Obviously her own mother and family did not prepare this girl to fend for herself. She was not better with laundry or basic kids chores. She never could figure out the washer…I taught her, brought over my German speaking friend, posted directions, but the laundry would still be sitting in the washer unwashed at the end of the day. When I asked her what happened ahe would cry and say I don’t know. I asked her to vacuum her room twice monthly as the housekeepers cleaned her room the other two weeks. She never did, even when I. Showed her how to plug it in and turn it on. I even showed her how to use the swifter. She never used it either. I would come home to crumbs on the floor and no vacuuming ever, burnt Mac and cheese and piles of laundry never done. She would just say “her mommy always did it for her at home” and she could just not find the time, or she was too tired. I felt like a nag asking her to check off her chore very minimal chore list that was posted on the refrigerator. She never checked off the list either. My one 2 year old son naps for 3-4 hours. Many days I would pop in at home for an early lunch she was skyping with friends in Europe. I guess I’m wondering when do you just give it up or when do you demand that they take responsibility? I need the help. I never ever asked her to do anything that did not revolve around children, except for hoping she might make dinner for our family…which never happened.
Since you’re referring to this AP in the past tense, is she still in your home? It sounds as though you may have been this young woman’s first employer and found yourself playing the role of second mommy to her. Most APs rise to the occasion in their first working experience, but some do not. In several places on this blog, HMs have posted the need for a regular, if not weekly, check-in meeting. When things are not going well, and you find yourself doing your job as provider, parent and then the work you anticipated the AP would do (e.g. tidying, kids’ laundry), then it’s time to have a meeting and set a baseline. After a week, when the job still isn’t done, it’s time to invoke the “r” word, and reaffirm that she understands the baseline (including putting it in writing). And then, at week 3, if she hasn’t met the baseline, you’re done (especially if she’s whiny and teary – come own you don’t need a teenage or young adult child – you need another adult in the house). Before you invoke the “r” word, have a plan of action.
The bottom line – it’s a buyers’ market right now – which means there are more young women who want to be APs than willing HFs. Don’t dilly dally over someone who’s not worth your time and energy because she can’t do a load of laundry, prepare herself a nutritious meal, or tidy up after the children. You want that good time to be with your own children, not to wait hand and food and a young woman who’d rather Skype than work.
(I know my APs work hard – I have a special needs child – and I am more than willing to reward hard work. I have taken time off from work so my APs can go to concerts — and don’t charge it against their vacation. I give extra days off when I am able. And I reward a year of hard work with a box to ship heavy belongings home at my expense. But I am also clear up front – they are the 3rd adult in my house – I don’t hire children to look after my kids. Sure, I’ll cook a favorite dinner, but I don’t have time to cook a second dinner for anyone but my special needs child!)
While it’s perfectly acceptable to treat an AP well, don’t wait on your AP!
sounds like you should be in transition yesterday! the idea of an au pair is to make life easier for you and to give them a chance to experience another culture/country/travel and have adventures in their non-work time. if she is not living up to her end of the bargain (ie. completing the reasonable household chores related to childcare) you should be looking for someone who will, not housing and feeding a second child!
agreed, you need to call your LC today and advise that you are ready for transition. they will push 2 weeks trial, then another 2 weeks, meaning at least a 6 week transition. don’t put up with that – instead, advise that you’ve tried multiple things but she’s not an adult.
in the meantime cut off internet during working hours and let her know that you are not her mother and she is an adult in a household with young children. someone needs to let her know she’s no longer a kid!
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