Having completed 10-months with an AP who is both extremely shy, and deferential for cultural reasons, I must say, the energy that I had to invest into getting her to achieve basic skills that made it possible for her to care for my children appropriately (because of The Camel it was not possible to rematch – only to wait for a new arrival), DH and I decided not to extend. However, we did add some questions to our telephone interview to determine if the AP is outgoing, and have matched with someone closer to our own personalities.

While I know it is possible to be shy and happy, I do believe that when an AP goes throw a crisis (someone is ill back home, a best friend leaves, etc.), she does far better if she has developed a support network here. It doesn’t have to be the HF, it could be friends. For me, having a depressed AP who won’t talk about her problems, but is clearly so upset that she is not functioning well with my kids, just adds to the stress of my life. Having to worry if my AP will be motivated to drive well, swim, and achieve the basic goals of the AP program, is too much for me (really, I want The Camel to be the biggest stress in my life, not the AP). For that reason, I will go out of my way to find other extroverts in the future (and yes, I’d rather have an AP who goes out all hours, invites her friends over to swim and relax, than one who retreats to her room immediately and Skypes the minute I get home – because when the former has a crisis, I know I can call her friends and get them to help her through it).

I also think one of the biggest differences between being an AP in Europe versus the United States, is that here in the United States cultural exchange is emphasized and participating in family life is emphasized. For APs working in Europe, the HF may not be interested in having them join family activities, in having more than an employer-employee relationship. While not all American families want more than an employer-employee relationship, many do expect it. For me, I don’t have an AP just to take care of The Camel, or to make my professional life easier (although that was my motivation for entering the program), it turns out I like spending time with young adults and anticipate the day when my son will be one.

We continue to invite our shy AP to join us in family activities, knowing that she won’t join us. We continue to attempt to draw her into conversation, if only to let her know of changes in her schedule. We continue to care about her quality of life, even though she will be leaving our home in two months. And while I will miss her when she leaves our home, I will also be enormously relieved.

I think that you have done the right thing by trying to discuss this young girl’s feelings with her – for many of these girls this is their first experience in the USA as well as their first experience away from home, so of course we want them to be enjoying themselves. Also, for us (we are also having an experience with a Northern European girl who seems to be depressed and homesick – migraines, extreme shyness and anxiety) we know how great the experience can be for a young person who is open to embracing the opportunity, as we recently had an au pair who had the time of her life during her year here in the USA.

Thanks to everyone who posted helpful and constructive advice here. We too feel that our au pair is great with the kids, so we are trying to make things work, but want to make sure we are tending to her well being also. We continue to have weekly check-ins and are in close contact with our LCC to make sure she is reaching out (in case she feels uncomfortable talking with us). We are also trying to adjust to the introverted Northern European personality, but we truly sense she is not happy, so are trying to do what we can to support her and gently persuade her to take advantage of the great opportunities that are here for us – and exist beyond her tiny room in our home!!

Best of luck to you!!!

I see two problems here – 1) the au pair is shy, and 2) the au pair doesn’t have the life skills she needs and is relying on you (the host mom) to do things that she should be able to do herself.

Being shy, or introverted, isn’t that big of a deal as long as she’s great with the kids, as you say she is. It’s exhausting to be with kids all day, and even those of us who are most outgoing need some time to ourselves in the evening. It’s especially exhausting to add dealing with a new culture, and speaking a new language all day, on top of that. And, as chithu says, au pairs (like the other members of the host family) have lives outside of the context of the host family, and need time to do their own thing. That’s actually great! At least for me, all together all the time would be exhausting and probably bad for the host parents’ marriage, as well.

I don’t know if this is Talliecat’s issue, but I would guess that she’s not saying that shyness is intrinsically a bad personality trait, or that she wants to somehow change her au pair’s personality. I think what she’s saying is that the experience of being an au pair requires that the au pair take initiative, get out to experience the things and meet the people she came here to meet, and be self-reliant. When those things don’t happen, it creates an extra burden for the host mom, who already has her hands full, I’m sure. I think that, regardless of personality, being an au pair, like many growth experiences, requires taking responsibility for yourself and going outside of your comfort zone sometimes. Relying on your host mom to do things that you could be doing is creating work for the host mom and diminishing the growth opportunities of the au pair.

(And by the way, I get migraines too. They are debilitating, and deserve sympathy. I can understand your frustration in light of everything else you’re dealing with, but I think they should be viewed as a legitimate issue and think you need to find some way of separating them from your other issues with her.)

@ Tallie Cat – I re-read my earlier reply and felt that it could have been worded better! I sound bitter, but I don’t want to focus it here… since you are sharing your house and kids and life with an au pair for the first time, I can really understand this problem. If your au pair is too scared to use the car, yet knew beforehand (during application process) that she is expected to drive, then that is a problem. She shouldn’t have accepted the job in the first place if she didn’t want to drive.

Let me tell you my (an intovert) POV – Happines for you may mean talkative or active, but for me, it means a peaceful home and time for me to read books and do my own thing. I put on my joy cap for 10 hrs a day when the kids are around – and believe me, I LOVE being with children – but towards the evening, I want to go back to being Chithu, the 25-yr old au pair who likes watching horror movies online and does research for her thesis and talking to her boyfriend. It has nothing to do with being unfriendly or reserved or withdrawn – it is simply MY time.

One sentence caught my eye – your mentioned that your au pair “is so eager to please”. As some one else commented, you seemed to have hit the nanny jackpot! How awful would it be if you had an extovert au pair who would party every night and doesn’t give you any privacy? I would say – count your blessings and let her be shy or reclusive or whatever. As long as it doesn’t bother her, it shouldn’t bother you!