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I’ve asked my au pair to please remind her friends that they are calling my home phone, not her cell phone, so they should expect me to answer and they need to ask for her. Sometimes I even directly remind the girls of this when they just start talking, and they simply say–yes, I know it’s the home phone–no apologies. Never thought this would get to me, but now after a few months, it does!

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We insist that our au pair answer the telephone because sometimes my daughter has medical emergencies at school that require an immediate response. However, their ability to take a variety of messages varies. Some have asked non-emergency callers to ring back and leave a message. My son who is 9 and starting to pick up the phone, mistakenly thought he could just put it down and the caller could leave a message for me, having seen our current au pair do it! I had to explain what she did to make the message happen and that he was expected to find a pen and piece of paper and to write out the message if he was answering the phone. (We’re trying to get our current au pair to do the same, but her receptive telephone English is minimal – no body clues to help with the interpretation – and the caller often founds it frustrating to repeat things over and over and often offers to call back and leave a message.)

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I personally prefer that our au pairs answer “hello” rather than use our family name or her own. In part, this is because my husband and I have different last names, so responding this way can be awkward. But it is most important for me to avoid distributing information to someone who is either trying to sell something or may be generally up to no good. Unfortunately, it is surprising how often this happens. Particularly with au pairs whose English isn’t perfect, I find it’s sometimes tough for them to cut off conversations with telemarketers and the like. In my opinion, giving out a name makes it easier for such people to pretend a familiarity that they might not have and take advantage.

I have always discussed how I’d like our au pair to answer the phone, and really have had no troubles at all with friends finding their responses to be awkward or rude (and I do believe they’d tell me). We discuss how to politely inquire about who is calling and how to take a proper message.

As CV points out, it is important to facilitate interpersonal relations and to show respect for others. However, even Americans who might be of the same class can disagree on what constitutes considerate and polite. in this instance I disagree with with the view that putting the onus on the recipient of a call to make identification easier for the caller is somehow more courteous than a hello followed by polite assistance once the called has been identified.

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However, that lack of answering is really frustrating when I’m trying to get a hold of people when I know they’re at the house. Current AP does check the caller ID and picks up–sometimes–when it’s us. But there are times when I’m at a different office, and the phone number may not be familiar so she doesn’t pick up and I start having a long dialogue with the dog (whom I know is listening dutifully, he’s such a good boy) while hoping someone will hear me talking to the dog, wonder what the heck’s going on in the office, and pick up the phone.

I think I will propose this line: “Family Name residence (or “house”, since residence is a hard word to pronounce), this is AuPair”. That does the trick and is friendly sounding but clear. (And yes, I’m from Calif and tend to cringe at anything that verges on icy formality. Sometimes stereotypes are built on truth!)

I agree completely with CV that manners are important and often not the priority they should be in the states these days. Preventable email gaffes, parking lot duels for a single space, drivers who refuse to let you merge when you’re all going 5 mph anyway… the examples are endless. My kids only answer the phone if they know it’s me or Dad. I suppose at some point I will have to relinquish this, but it’s not their job to answer the phone. They are not mature enough (eldest is 4th grader) to handle the variety of requests that might come in. Not to mention telemarketers (the bulk of our incoming calls).

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I understand that you think this specific ‘script’ is too formal… and it may be in some cultures but not in others. Phone manners, and manners in general, are specific to their cultures and social groups/classes. The point of ‘manners’ is to make things easier for others by being considerate in advance, and using routines to make considerate behavior easier. As the caller, it puts me in an awkward position not to know who has answered the family phone, and it is simple for the person answering the phone to identify herself. Also, as a caller, it is not my job to know the names of all the people in the household who might answer. This is the case in ‘my’ culture, where parents are treated differently from children, strangers treated differently from intimates, where (somewhat) more formality is a signal of respect and not coldness.

There are other things that an au pair or child can do to identify him or herself as ‘not the parent’ without sounding like a hotel clerk or giving out too much info (e.g., some families don’t want the kids to give out their names.) Also, there are ways to answer and share some information in a tone of voice that is warm and welcoming, and not robotic like the person at the burger king drive thru.

Many people don’t know how to be considerate and polite, and even more don’t bother to make the effort. Our challenge as parents and host parents is to teach our families to be considerate of others and to facilitate good interpersonal interactions. Exactly ‘how’ you do it is class and culture-bound, but the reason to do it is pretty universal.

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