Comments on: Gift, Bonus or Tip: Call it what you want, but keep in mind….

By: Marina(ex-AP)

Marina(ex-AP) — Sat, 07 May 2011 19:12:50 +0000

I arrived at my hostfamily’s house a month before my birthday. Before my arrival she had asked me whether I’d prefer tickets to a broadway show or tickets to see Norah Jones(who I had listed as one of my favourite artists at the time). I chose Norah Jones and my hostmum and I went together and had a wonderful evening.
I got the day off on my actual birthday and also received a $50 giftcard to the mall to replace some of my clothes that got ruined by my smallest ‘hostchild’ who was starting on solids.
4 months later, for Christmas, I received a MP3 player, a few small gifts, stocking and also a check of $150(the weekly stipend at the time). This wasn’t called tip, bonus or gift…somehow I find the word ‘tip’ slightly offensive.
I don’t remember what I received during my second year.

I gave the grandparents a (snapfish) calendar both years and I know they were hoping the Aupairs after me would continue my tradition.
I arranged to have a pencil drawing made from a picture of the girls, which I gave my hostparents for Christmas.

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By: EUROaupair

EUROaupair — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 19:35:34 +0000

The money my parents give me every xmas could easily be considered a ‘tip.’ I’m not complaining..

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By: Anon

Anon — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 20:36:05 +0000

Never expect anything and you won’t be disappointed, only pleasantly surprised.

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By: Annabelly

Annabelly — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:50:09 +0000

I’m an Au Pair for a Muslin Family and on my b-day was my 1 month with they, so I didn’t expect a gift. But I did expect “something” on Eid, but they didn’t, even when I bought something for the kids.

I should expect something for Christmas? I am Christian, and for December I will have 9 months with them.

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By: Ann

Ann — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 13:45:12 +0000

I’m on my third Christmas with an au pair (our second, first one stayed two years), both of whom have felt like part of the family. One reason is that we pre-matched with both (their native language is the same second language that I speak with my daughter), but another is that my daugher is an only child, which enhances the “big sister” feeling of the au pair.

If you can afford an extra week’s stipend as a cash gift at holiday time, I think that’s fine. For budget and expectation reasons, however, we have divided our “AP gift and unexpected assistance” dollars throughout the year. At Christmas I’ve given them a modest material, practical gift (long silk underwear or raincoat or fleece jacket) of similar value as what I’m spending for other relatives as well as a cultural/outing gift (christmas concert tickets with our family and ticket to our city’s new year’s celebration). I think it would be odd for her to receive much more than what she sees other relatives exchanging around the tree.

For birthday, similar approach with practical travel or clothing-related gift along with a big fancy party inviting AP friends etc. (Our first AP appreciated this, since in her home country adult birthdays don’t get the balloons and cake and candles approach).

But then I have offered unexpected financial assistance later in the year with travel-related expenses (costs of visas, passport photos, travel insurance, new passport format etc), health-related expenses (acupuncture for back pain when AP threw her back out), back-up childcare for extra vacation days, and shipping extra luggage home at end of two years (believe me, this was not insubstantial). At such points I think unexpected “gifts” of direct or indirect financial assistance are more appreciated by AP’s then when gifts are customary (Indra, birthdays). I also spend a lot of time especially when au pairs arrive reading local newspaper, Internet to find free or inexpensive cultural and social events, concerts and outings they can go on with their friends.

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By: Rayann

Rayann — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 22:54:52 +0000

I’m not in any way offended by the use of the word “tip” as related to an au pair, it’s just not one that I would use because our au pair is a member of our family. In a way, I somewhat relate the money we give her every week more along the lines of the allowance we give our kids (nice allowance, huh?). Everyone in our household takes part in all the necessary responsibilities. The kids do laundry, clean bathrooms and take out the trash among other chores – and we give them part of the household income as a result. Same applies to the au pair – she gets a share of our household income as a result of helping out with the household responsibilities. So as a result, tipping wouldn’t seem to apply as much as giving her a gift.

On the other hand, I know families that considering their au pair an employee and nothing more. In most of these situations, the au pair feels the same way and the relationship works nicely for both parties. Those families, I think, are more likely to “tip” their au pair.

I think whichever word you feel more comfortable with is going to depend on your relationship with your au pair, and I don’t think “tip” is necessarily a bad thing.

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By: Dawn

Dawn — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 20:45:47 +0000

Your hypothesis definitely works for me, cvh. Although I certainly recognize that our au pair is someone we pay for a service, we think of her as MORE a member of the family than an employee. (For example, if she were a “pure” employee, we wouldn’t take her on family vacations, include her in family events, entertain her friends, etc.) So calling our holiday generousity a “tip” just doesn’t seem to fit the relationship. Instead, we give her holiday “gifts” that are about equivalent to what we spend on our children. (Which does still fall within your suggested guidelines.)

Marguerite, the very best gift one of our au pairs ever gave us was to give us a framed “collage” of photos of our kids that she’d had taken by the host mom of one of her friends, who was a professional photographer. I have lots and lots of pictures of my kids, but the thing that was/is so special about those is that they are the only ones that I haven’t taken myself or made all the arrangements for (made the appointment, selected the clothes, got the kids to look and smile, etc.). In our case, these happened to be pictures from a “professional photo shoot,” but I think I would have been just as excited about them had the au pair taken them herself. It was just so wonderful to actually be SURPRISED with new pictures of my kids that I hadn’t taken myself or seen before!

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By: Marguerite

Marguerite — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 19:56:13 +0000

All of my host families have always been very,very generous to their aupairs when it came to holiday gifts.
I’ve had a Muslim, Buddhist and Jewish families who went to great lengths to make sure that their aupairs had nice Christmas celebrations.
Recently, one of my aupairs asked me what she could get her host family as a nice gift. Many aupairs do feel like part of the family and want to do something generous albeit on a limited budget. What are the nicest gifts/ gestures you have received from your aupairs ?

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By: cvh

cvh — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:53:04 +0000

Hi again Maya-
I think handbooks are critical, so I think you did the right thing in introducing one. Having a handbook is something I plan to post on soon– maybe you’d want either to share your handbook or write a guest post on why you wanted to introduce one?

You’ll know she’s got really great potential if she can translate those Chanukuh songs into Spanish. What’s the Spanish (Sephardic?) word for latke?

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By: Maya

Maya — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:41:33 +0000

I think for me it comes down to the budget, not how long my au pair has been with us.

My new au pair is getting the same gift in monetary amount as my old au pair would have received, even though she has been with us for a just a week and will not even be with us on Christmas. As a side note, we do not celebrate Christmas.

What I do find interesting is that my current new au pair will get cash simply because I have only known her for a week. If my old au pair would still be with us, I would have given her cash too, because I really did not know anything about her. Her taste in closing was too expensive for me (can we say $200 shoes) and I did not know anything personal about her since she never shared __anything__.

Thinking of how other au pairs are treated in our cluster is what got me in trouble in the first place with my old au pair since she told me that none of her friends have handbooks and that she shouldn’t ether. If I did a handbook with her, she would have either still be with us or she would have applied for transition a long time ago. So, I will let the cards fall as they may.

I do hope that we will be able to develop a good relationship with my new au pair. She seems very nice, kids already are getting attached to her (yesterday they ganged up on her during the snowball fight ). They have been teaching her Chanukah songs and she has been teaching them songs in Spanish.

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