Comments on: Feeling Squished by Our Au Pair

By: America10

America10 — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 09:40:53 +0000

Thank you for telling! I have been an au pair and i exactly had this thinkings… Sometimes I am still confused if i did everything right or not. As an Au Pair you got lots of pressure and you never will really know what is right and what is wrong.
Sometimes at night you even star crying, because you feel so bad.
You want to be free, hang with your friends on the other side you don`t want to give a feeling the family thinks you don`t like them, because your out all weekend.
I am back home since about 4 months and in my head are still so many questions about it. It will always be with be and I guess I will never have a right answer.
I know lots of au pairs have the same problem! I do understan all your conversations and it is your right of privacy, but maybe we all Au Pair and Family should work more together and really talk about it. It will help yourself for your privacy and it will help your Au Pair!

Like or Dislike: 0

By: sad au pair

sad au pair — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 22:04:10 +0000

thanks to you all! i think it really was the stress over christmas etc…even for us AP…we are just very homesick and i think i took it to serious…i’m sorry if i came over snappy or whatever:) actually i’m pretty nice:) so well holidays are almost over and normal days can start again.:)

Like or Dislike: 0

By: MommyMia

MommyMia — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 19:20:11 +0000

sorry, -hosTmom-

Like or Dislike: 0

By: MommyMia

MommyMia — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 19:19:34 +0000

Hear, hear, AFHoseMom! You said it best – I hope my daughters also would get the same advice from me if they were in this situation. Living abroad IS a great experience, most of the time, and everyone should appreciate having this opportunity.

Like or Dislike: 0

By: anonamomma

anonamomma — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 11:18:08 +0000

My daughter would not be whining because she wasn’t allowed in a picture – or that I /future host mom snapped at her on one occasion – despite treating her well the rest of the time – nor would she allow herself to be treated like **** – if she felt she was in that position she would leave. She’s quite like me in that way and takes no craps – nor does she dish it.

And you are not in that position – you said yourself they treat you very well – you even extended with them – you just got snapped at – get over it – maybe it hurt your feelings so much because of its rarity – which is all the more reason to get over it.

And yes – in the AP programme you are well paid – take in room, board, heating, phone, water, food, insurance (car & health) etc and lets not forget experience – no other programme would enable you to travel and stay in another country with guaranteed room, board, safety and a guaranteed wage at the end of the week – some girls even get their own car (so boo hoo you having to pay for gas – you don’t pay insurance, maintenance, car loans etc ). So yes you are well paid – not saying you don’t work for it or deserve it – you all do – but you are well paid. It doesn’t matter if its cheaper than a nanny or daycare. That is not the issue – you get the experience – we get flexible childcare – I put cultural exchange on the side.

It is up to each AP to explore for themselves (both with and without their HF). I tell my APs where everything is – how to get there (I leave a book of leaflets/vouchers in her room on her arrival to spark interest). I help her organise her bookings and encourage her to take friends along – and each one had risen to her own challenges and loved it. You go out and seek culture – it does not come to you and it is not up to your HM to provide it for you either.

And you are not her daughter – I’m sorry but you’re not – and maybe you are looking for too much in this women if this is the way you expect to be treated. I treat my APs like an adult member of my family and they respond in kind. They do not treat me like their mom – nor do they seek that sort of emotional attachment to me – which is quite frankly inappropriate IMO.

Look it takes different strokes for different folks and maybe after speaking to me – you might realise how lucky you are to have someone who can accommodate you – don’t think that we’d work out at all . I would find you needy and you would find me unloving. Perhaps neither are true so if nothing else maybe this post has made you realise what you have – and not to get upset over something so silly.

Like or Dislike: 0

By: AFHostMom

AFHostMom — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 03:37:13 +0000

Part of being a member of a family is letting go of the guise that everyone always gets along and no one always has a bad moment. I’m SURE I’ve sounded snappy to my au pair before, who is a saint and who I truly adore, just because it’s stressful being a mom and I am running in a million directions. According to your post:
you were at the grandparents house, during the holidays
your HM has 2 kids
you’ve been with them 16 months
So, let’s add it up. The holidays are very stressful for some people, especially parents, especially at extended family events. HM was likely worried about taking a nice picture with her kids and husband and was comfortable enough to tell you she didn’t want you in it, which is a fair comfort level as you’ve been with them 16 months. In that moment she probably didn’t even think about sounding rude, and honestly if they like you enough to have extended with you, she’s forgotten about it. So I agree that you are making too big a deal out of this. Forget about it.
If you want a picture with the family for your parents, by all means–TELL THEM. I am sure they will oblige. As for the bit about being “not allowed to be part of the family,” it certainly doesn’t sound like that’s the case for you.
Oh and finally, I DO have daughters and by all means….if they choose to do an exchange program, I will tell them to put on their big girl pants and be prepared to work through some stuff on their own. I’ve lived abroad a lot and it’s not easy, but as they say, nothing worth doing is.

Like or Dislike: 0

By: sad au pair

sad au pair — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 23:56:46 +0000

i loved your post my dear:)) and just so you know: i wasn’t even moving to be IN the picture! (because i thought they want one just the 4 of them so like you call it, i got the hint:)) i was BEHEIND the camara and than she came and gave me all the stuff to hold on to (jacket etc) so i wasn’t even at that spot where the pic was taken:) but you also sound to me that you don’t get the point of the au pair program ( and please well paid?? yeah sure, count in everything? like what? we pay our gas for every mile? if we are on vacation we drive there and i WORK full time so i can’t find YOUR everything:)) if we would be so expensive you would get a nanny or put your kids in daycare. but the thing people have au pairs are because it’s easier and if you have more than one child, cheaper! and yes, thats what my hostmom told me. she said, daycare or nanny for more than one child is too expensiv! thats why they got an au pair! i’m not sure, do you have a daughter? just imagine she wants to become an au pair in an other country and calls you one day craying telling you that her hm is treating her like sh… i’m sure you would not say, oh yeah honey thats how it is, you don’t get treated nice but thats ok get over it grow up! no i’m sure you would act diffrent and feel with her and figure out by that point that you would like your daughter to be treated as you would treat her! ( i’m not speaking of kuddeling and wathever you do with your OWN daughter) but respect her and her feelings! i hope your daughter wants to do that someday and hopefully you get it then:) i’m sure there are au pairs who are more than happy not to be a part of the family and if you got those your lucky. but maybe one day you get one who wants to be a part and just is not wanted. then i already feel sorry for her, and maybe than you should get the nanny:)) and how should we get cultural exchange when we are not allowed to be part of the family? making friends at the grocery store?:)

Like or Dislike: 0

By: anonamomma

anonamomma — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 22:28:18 +0000

I think its you who doesn’t get it – here’s how I read the situation.

You were taken to Grandma’s house and family pictures were being taken – you were included in some but not in others (which is perfectly normal, fine and appropriate).

I think what happens was that you missed the hint from your host mom to skip one or two pictures and then finally she had to come right out and be blunt about it and tell you that you were not wanted in that particular picture (which is also perfectly normal, fine and appropriate).

I think that she was probably frustrated with you at that moment in time because of the situation and that is why she was short/blunt with you. It does not mean that she loves you any less or that you are valued any less. HD’s comment was designed to make you feel better not validate your feelings. If he had wanted you in the pic he would have insisted on you being there – he didn’t so you weren’t wanted.

And by the way – you get well paid for caring for OUR children (when you count everything in) – so please do not play that card..

Me thinks you have a bit of a martyr complex going on and I would not like you to be my au pair either – I like strong independent young women who can pick up on a hint or express their wishes/needs in a mature manner and no I don’t treat them like members of my family – if you mean treating them like a daughter – they are not my daughter – they are there to care for my daughter. I treat my AP’s like adults. I care for them but I don’t take care of them, I don’t baby them – and guess what all my AP’s have adored me (as do all their friends). I have an excellent track record and if I don’t want my AP to be in a pic or come out with me I tell her – she is an adult not my child and she is free to make her own plans / live her own life /take her own pictures

And another thing my APs do not whinge, pout, or sulk or they won’t be my AP for long.

You just sound needy and immature to me.

Like or Dislike: 0

By: au pair in the US

au pair in the US — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 19:41:41 +0000

oh i forgot so say: i have ONE picture with them! and that was after my 3th month! all the other ones are just the 4 of them and that does not bother me at all! again it was just how she said it to me! like i’m sh…! i think you are totally right about giving our hf some space, and thats what i do! when my hp are home, i’m gone until she starts cooking dinner that they can have family time with their kids! when she starts cooking i take the kids down to my room ( off duty) and watch them until she calls for dinner! she tells me every singel time how greatful she is for a quiet cooking time just for her:) and there are lots of other stuff i do off duty to give them some time together ( i volunteer to work in the evening so that they can go out for dinner even when i already worked my h that week! and i have every week 45 h! but i think it is importent that she and her husband spend some alone time together! i hope you understand me now a little better.:)

Like or Dislike: 0

By: sad au pair

sad au pair — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 18:11:48 +0000

i think you don’t get it! its not that i think it wasn’t ok that she wants to take a pic with them alone!!! no it’s how she treatet me! like i don’t know what! i’m not in every picture they take and thats totally ok! but you have no idea how she said that! so before you say something like grow up and stuff like that i would be quiet for a minute and try to think how you would have felt! by the way, i did not tell her that i thought it wasn’t right even if i think it was totally inappropriate . you hostmoms really sometimes think you are the greatest people in the world and no watching left or right! but we are caring for YOUR kids! the hopefully most importent things in your life! so anonamomma : i’m glad i’m not your au pair! because you seem to not like to have another member in your family! probably i’m not the one who should grow up! oh yeah and my hostdad saw later the pics and told my hostmom he thinks it wasn’t a good pic because i wasn’t in it:DDDD merry christmas!:)

Like or Dislike: 0