And speaking of trying to maintain some privacy around ones adult social life,

Here’s an email that has me completely stumped.  How do they stay “host parents” to their au pair, and friends with their friend, and have any separate adult social life?

We really need your ideas here, folks.

Dear Au Pair Mom,

I am in desperate need of advice. First, I want to give you a little background on our Au Pair and our family. I am a 37 year old stay at home mother of four boys, ages 9, 5, 2 and 4 months. My husband works from home and is closely involved in our day to day lives. Our 5 year old son has a severe epilepsy syndrome and requires constant care. Because we have 3 little ones that always need to be watched, we have hired two au pairs to live with us this year. We have a 20 year old au pair from South America who speaks English very well and a 24 year old au pair from Thailand who speaks English moderately well. My issue is with our South American au pair.

She has been absolutely amazing in every way…she loves our kids, is always eager to help out, has the same religious beliefs as we do and is so conscientious in her work.

Yesterday, I dropped her off at the airport because she is taking a long weekend trip to visit her friends. Later that day, one of my husband’s closest friends came over and said he had to talk to us about our Au Pair. Uh oh.

In the past, we had some trouble with a nanny we had for 3 years…found out she was not at all what we thought she was. So my first thought was that our South American Au Pair had done something really horrible…I never would have imagined what he was going to say!

It turns out that, over the past few weeks, he has been giving our au pair a ride to the gym because they both took spinning classes. He had told us before that he just drops her off and they don’t even speak to each other while they are at the gym.

But things between them are more serious than he’d let on….

Yesterday, he told us that every night this week, they had spent all night at the beach together. And, on their last night together, she had told him she loved him. His feelings for her are not as strong, but he does like her. He is single and 27 years old. He didn’t seem to think that either of them had done anything wrong by sneaking off to spend time together…that her personal life is her business. But now that things are more serious, he wanted to let us know.

I am absolutely blown away by this and really don’t know what to do. If we didn’t know her and he had introduced her to us as his girlfriend, we would have been happy for him…concerned that she is so young…but happy…because she is an amazing girl. But this is different.

One of the ways my husband and I make having au pairs in our house work is by having a clearly defined line between them and us. We are very friendly and helpful – I believe that both au pairs are happy with us. But our personal life is ours! So now I’m left wondering how to navigate this.

I can’t help but feel betrayed by both of them…why didn’t they come to us before they started sneaking around our backs? Why did she go after my husband’s best friend? He is our friend, and a grown man….why would he do this?

If I tell them that if she wants to keep her job, they can’t see each other anymore, then I’m the bad guy. But how do we navigate them dating? How can I ask her to go take care of my kids while he is over at our house having dinner with us?

I feel like they have put us in an impossible position.   It totally changes the dynamic.

My husband feels like the damage is already done and maybe everything will be ok if we just let it play out. But I’m angry at both of them and don’t know how to rebuild trust. I wish you could see a picture of our lives…my son has between 8 and 20 seizures a night and is at constant risk for sudden death. We have a very difficult and stressful life. And this is the last thing I need right now.

Thank you for any advice you can give me.

Image: There is no such thing as privacy, on Flickr Some rights reserved by Ben Husmann

Divorces test all relationships within a family. As the primary/initial family relationship dissolves or is destroyed, all other relationships get implicated. Even the relationships with Au Pairs.

Previously, when we’ve discussed how divorces affect au pairs, we’ve mentioned things like crazy schedules, divided loyalties, concerns about finances and stability, and even whether one parent can hire an au pair without the other parent’s approval. And, when I saw the subject line of this email (below) that’s what I expected it would be about. I thought this mom’s concern was that she had never had a conversation with the au pair who cares for her children when they are in their father’s custody.

This time, though, there’s a new twist –

What if the au pair has to testify for or against a parent, in court?

Dear AuPairMom –

I was searching the internet for some answers regarding a serious concern for my ex’s au pair. She arrived in the USA in December 2011 to work for one year. I do not know very much about her as my ex refuses to provide any information. The girl seems very sweet, however I don’t have any contact with her except during brief custody exchanges when she is either in my ex’s car or my former residence. I have never spoken to her or been given the opportunity to meet her. I was informed that she does not speak English well, but understands it when spoken to her.

The au pair is supposed to be helping my ex take care of our 2 yr old child. We are in the middle of a divorce and bitter custody dispute over our children. I am seeking primary custody of our child and my ex is seeking joint custody. Our interim custody arrangement is considered joint, but I do have the child 2/3 of the time until our final custody trial in the spring.

My concern is that the au pair is not being told the entire truth about her living situation and about the current custody situation.

It is also my concern that the au pair is not aware that she will be subpoenaed in court to testify during our custody trial.

There is a right of first refusal in my court ordered custody agreement which means that each parent must be notified if we can not be with our children for any length of time. The judge was very specific about this since my ex testified in court that the au pair was hired only to watch the children only in cases of emergencies. My ex has violated this court order numerous times already.

To summarize, I am concerned that this poor kid is completely unaware of what is going on. She is here for a cultural experience and possibly a bit of school. Little does she know, she is going to have to go to court and will be cross examined and ordered to testify about her experiences living with my ex and “helping” take care of our children.

I have the contact number to her community counselor which I got from the au pair agency website, but I don’t want to overstep my boundaries. I don’t want to get her in any kind of trouble or cause any trouble which is why I am seeking your advice.

Is it common for au pairs to get involved in situations such as this and be prepared for court room trials? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I have spoken to my legal counsel regarding this issue and before making a legal move, I wanted to see if your advice might be more protective of the au pair. She is an adult, but in my eyes, she needs to be protected also.

Sincerely, Concerned Mom

See also:

How can we prepare our Au Pair for significant disruption?
When your personal, private challenges affect your Au Pair relationship

Image: Bohekan Heart, Bologna on Flickr Some rights reserved by flatworldsedge

One of the crazy benefits of being an au pair mom or dad is that host parenting gives us many chances to practice skills that make us better everywhere in our lives.

Chief among the skills we get to practice is how to negotiate. By using conflicts with our au pairs (or even simple disagreements and misunderstandings) as chances for trying different advice to improve our negotiating, we can learn how to get what we need so that we and our families and our au pairs thrive.

When it comes to offering real tips on negotiation, though, I like to defer to experts.

My favorite three experts are Lisa, Vicky and Chrysula, who also happen to be friends of mine. They are life coaches, mediators, and small business owners who run workshops for women on how to negotiate effectively. After a few years of coasting on whatever wisdom of theirs I could glean as a friend, or by reading their blogs on negotiation and work-life balance, I finally decided to sign up for one of their courses myself.

(Just as an aside, it’s kindof weird to take a “class” from a friend, but at some point you just have to give in and treat your pals like the experts they are.)

However, when I went to their SheNegotiates website to sign up for a negotiation class (aka “fulfill a New Year’s resolution”), it turned out they had something new to offer– a chance to join an ongoing learning community designed to help women learn how to negotiate not just conflicts or better deals or higher salaries, but also how to negotiate some of the deeper issues in life.

Because I believe in these women and what they do, and because I have signed up myself, I’m doing something on AuPairMom for the First. Time. Ever. I am recommending that you think about spending some money and time on yourself and your personal learning. Go to www.thedailythrive.org and consider signing up yourselves.

I’m not suggesting this because The Daily Thrive is paying me an affiliate fee, giving me free membership in their community, or even taking me out to lunch. They aren’t. I’m recommending that you check them out because I hear from you, over and over, how life as an au pair parent is challenging. For most of us this challenge centers on balancing getting what we need while giving au pairs what they need. Too often, we err on the side of being overly-generous, or denying how much we’re giving up, or wondering why we aren’t appreciated. Learning how to negotiate more effective should help with this.

– cvh

Within the legal boundaries of the au pair program, both host parents and au pairs like to have a bit of personal discretion.

We want to be able to satisfy family demands and any sensible au pair dreams. We want to be flexible when issues come up, and we want to be accommodating and reasonably generous.

And, we host parents want to be fair.

We host parents spend a lot of time here talking about what the program rules are, why they exist, and when it feels appropriate — for either a parent or an au pair – to bend these rules. We also spend a lot of time giving each other advice about what’s really appropriate, since we often look at our own situations and focus on a pressing demand, blind to the bigger picture or the longer term implications of a decision.

Sometimes, though, an au pair rule or regulation that seems easy to understand and apply actually turns out to allow one party to take advantage of the other.

So it wasn’t a surprise to me when a host mom emailed me with concerns about a small change in one agency’s policies regarding unpaid vacation time.

Dear AuPairMom-

Our au pair has been told that our au pair agency, APIA, allows for host parents to give au pairs unpaid extra vacation time. (Our au pair wants an extra week off to take a long trip to DisneyWorld, etc. She has already had a week of paid vacation.) She pointed out to us an item on her au pair cluster newsletter page:

Au pairs receive two weeks paid vacation. If your schedule permits, and you and your host parents agree, you can be given additional vacation days without pay.

As a host parent, I always want to play by the rules. I’m not against the idea of giving an au pair an extra week under our roof, being off duty but being able to eat, vacation or whatever.

However, from our current agency and our former agency, and also with all the conversation here on AuPairMom, we’ve understood that the HF must pay the stipend 51 weeks of the year, and that we we cannot withhold a stipend any week, for any reason — no ifs, ands or buts. And I think this is the right policy!

I am not sure what the actual regulations require. I looked at Title 22 § 62.31 of the US regs governing the au pair program, and it doesn’t actually seem to say that the stipend cannot be withheld….

But more importantly, I am concerned that if host parents (an au pairs) are told that it is okay to have a week or two– or more — of “unpaid vacation”, there is too much potential for HF to abuse this policy. I’m thinking about the HFs who will want to “give” APs “vacation time” “off” without pay….when the APs don’t actually agree to this.

Think about the families who send their kids to four weeks of sleep-away camp yet need an au pair the rest of the summer. And think about those ‘long weekends’ when an au pair could lose a day or two of pay for a vacation day she didn’t need or want.

I’m afraid that HFs will abuse this change, and that Au Pairs will end up being here for weeks when they have no ‘pocket money’ coming in and not enough saved to make a difference. Many au pairs just aren’t in situations where they feel then could speak up if they were ‘given’ extra time off.

So here’s my question– is it actually ‘legal’ to do this? And, is it really the right decision for Agencies, to say that unpaid vacation is normal and negotiable?

I’d love to hear the thoughts of other readers. Thanks so much.

image: Rawwwr Some rights reserved by monagrrl on Flickr

Snowstorms in weird places (like Oregon) and snowstorms in predictable places (like Chicago) have raised the question for many aupair host parents –

Do you allow your au pair to drive in the snow?

Of course, there are a million variables that affect this decision. Here are the ones I came up with off the top of my head:

• Is snow frequent or rare?
  Is the snow deep, light, icy?
  Does your car have 4 wheel drive?
  Is your car a Volvo?
  Is your car already beat up, or rather new?
• Is your au pair a good driver?
  Has s/he got lots of experience driving in snow?
  Is s/he from Sweden, Norway, Finland, Northern Canada?
• Is the specific trip urgent or discretionary?
  Daylight or after dark?
  With children or without?
• Are drivers in your area generally comfortable in snow?
  Do you live on a hill?
  Are your town roads well-plowed?
  Can you avoid hilly or unplowed roads to get to where you want to go?

• Can you afford to lose your (au pair) car to a body shop for a week or two?

As this host parent put it— many many variables! So, how do you decide?

Dear AuPairMom-

Our family has recently moved from a warm weather area to the east coast and we’ve never had to deal with snow before. We just had our first real snowfall of the season and I’ve very hesitant to allow our AP to drive in it. She has experience driving in snow in her home country (probably more than I do!) and says she is not afraid to drive in it.

For those of you living in areas that get snowfall, do you let your au pairs drive in the snow?

I’m in foreign territory here because we’ve never had to think about this before and would love to hear how others handle it.

And does it depend on where she is going or while working or not? What about when it’s not a huge storm, some cars are out on the road, and some roads are likely plowed, but sidestreets and such are icy and temperatures are still below freezing?

I feel that if she doesn’t HAVE to go out, I’d rather not take that risk. But I see it differently depending on the need. Going to the grocery story, taking the kids to school (if  schools were open), or going somewhere a planned important event like a going-away party for another AP, I see as more of a need than her wanting to go to Starbucks or the gym.  

Also, HD and I are doing some minimal driving (nearby errands), but I feel more comfortable with us taking that risk than her. DH has had years more driving experience and frankly, it’s our own car that we’re risking. And I just don’t feel like the headache right now of having to pay for car repairs because our AP felt she needed to drive to Starbucks in the snow. But, I feel like I’m being contradictory or unfair if I say she can’t drive, while DH and I continue to use the cars. Is this at all reasonable?

Some additional background — we love our current AP, who is leaving soon, she’s very responsible & mature and very good natured. Not at all whiny or immature. She rarely asks much of us, but she is pushing a little with this. However, she is very used to having a car at her disposal (we have a very nice 3rd AP car with very few restrictions). I know this is inconveniencing her and she is not thrilled. And, to top it off, my brand new SUV was recently stolen, so we are currently using our AP car and a rental car as our means of transport. We have her on the agreement so she can drive the rental, but again, I just don’t want to take the risks of any more car headaches right now.  

I really want to be reasonable but I am a little confused at the whole situation.

Image: Not Driving Today…. Some rights reserved by subsetsum

Do you think it’s appropriate to ask an au pair to got to your kids’ school and help out at a birthday event there, for someone else’s kids?

Here’s the email that prompts the question:

Dear AuPairMom -

I am mostly satisfied with the family I am working for. We’ve had a few problems but nothing that you don’t expect with living in a new house with new people.

Usually I go along with what is asked of me, but today I agreed to do something that I don’t feel sure about. Agreeing to do it has bugged me ever since, but I am not sure whether it is right of me to question it. Here is the situation:

My normal routine on a Friday is to pick the younger girl up from school at Midday and the older child at 2.45pm. Today, the whole class of the younger child has been invited to a birthday party arranged by the parents of 2 boys who are also in the class. The birthday kids’ parents have arranged a nice lunch at school (usually the kids eat at home on Friday afternoons). After lunch, the birthday kids’ parents will put all the kids on a bus to take them to the party destination.

My HM told me this morning that I should go into the school at 12 and ‘help the kids eat their lunch because there will be lots of children’.

Since both sets of birthday kids’ parents will be there, I’m not sure why they want me to do. The kids eat lunch at school Mon-Thurs it’s not like they are uncomfortable with eating at school. I don’t exactly see what I would be needed to do, short of lifting sandwiches to the children’s mouths!

I always help out at birthday parties of my own host kids, but I distinctly do not recall any other parents sending over their Au Pairs to lend a hand. (We’re in an affluent area with a lot of au pairs.)

I feel a bit frustrated with the situation. Partly, I’m not sure whether I am just frustrated at having to break up my day (which could have been used for something useful). But also, I’m wondering if doing this kind of task is outside of what’s normal to ask of an au pair duties. There have been a few similar situations before, where I’ve ended up standing around awkwardly because there is nothing to do. Still, I’ve been expected to be there.

How can I express this to my HM without sounding rude? I’m not unwilling to do this, but it doesn’t seem completely right. Since the party is today, I’m going to go even though I’d prefer not to. But, I hope to discuss the issue with my host parents later.

I’d appreciate any advice the AuPairMom readers might give. Thanks — ZD

Image: ricracandbuttons on Etsy

Sometimes you just don’t want to read the subject lines of the emails that show up in our AuPairMom emailbox. The email posted below came with the subject line, “Am I being taken advantage of?”. But, by the time the au pair finished telling her story, it was clear it the subjuct should have been “Help, I’m being exploited!”

I don’t want to assume that the family, described in the au pair email below, is trying to take advantage of their au pair. They seem to have a logic to their plan, but they also seem a bit clueless. For this au pair to address the problems, she’s going to need to teach the family about what an au pair relationship is in spirit, and what it is under the law. And, she’s got to teach them that (in the USA) if the caregiver is not here under an AuPair program, with an Au Pair contract, then she’s not an au pair but a Nanny.

This woman is a live in nanny, a nanny who does other tasks, but a nanny and not an au pair. And, she should be paid as such.

Here’s Emery’s email:

I am currently an au pair in the Northeast City for a wonderful family with two small kids. I really like it here, but my friends and family are wondering if I’m being taken advantage of, monetarily. It’s hard to know where to start, so I’ll start with my background.

I am 24, and from the US. I was an au pair once before, in the Netherlands, being paid 350 euros bi-monthly. I have been taking care of children regularly for more than 8 years, through babysitting and non-live-in nanny positions. I also worked as an assistant to a Children’s Librarian for 5 years. I have my Bachelor’s degree, a valid driver’s license and no criminal record. I consider myself more than qualified to handle this job.

With the family here in the Northeast City, we did not use an au pair service to find eachother (basically saving the family $150 a week). The family put their profile onaupair-world.net just days before I re-activated my profile. We found eachother, talked on the phone then met in person, and I moved in in less than a month. Soon after moving in, we went through the guidelines for weekly hours, payment, etc, and we agreed to the terms that most of their previous au pairs went by.

Several months in, they are very happy with me. They tell me that I’m their best au pair they’ve hired, that I’ve caused the least amount of problems. I am their first American au pair as well. The girls love me and miss me when I’m not around, and I can tell that it is stressful for the parents to handle their own kids when I’m on vacation.

In addition to au pair duties, I also work during the day as an intern for the mom, who has a small business. I am paid the same hourly rate as my au pair job, which is $4.35 an hour. I am doing internet marketing, and although I realize that many internships are unpaid, the work I am doing is more than satisfactory, and I end up working almost 13 hour days with both jobs.

I work 45 hours a week, with 10 consecutive hours each Saturday. I am paid the minimum, $196 per week, for doing the maximum amount of work.  If I work less than 45 hours (sometimes, this is not of my choosing), $4.35 is taken off for each hour missed. What are the legalities of this? The government documentation is not easy to follow.

I am just wondering if I am being taken advantage of. I love the work, but my family and friends scoff at my hourly wage. For my experience and qualifications, should I be paid more? Do you have any advice on asking for a raise, specifically methods on how and when to ask?

Any help you could offer would be GREATLY appreciated. Like I said, I enjoy my job, but if the family is taking advantage of me, my trust in them will be broken, and I may have to find another job sooner than expected.

Sincerely, Emery

Oh my goodness, where to begin.

Your host family IS exploiting you.

They are messing things up by trying to categorize you in ways that fit their needs and not yours. You are not an au pair, you are not an intern. You are an experienced, live in nanny. You are a part-time office worker with a college degree.

You need to be paid (in my opinion) at *least $12-15 per hour of childcare, and $10/ hour off office-work up to 40 hours, then time & a half after that. As a full-time employee of theirs, they should pay taxes on your wages, and they should (ideally) provide you with some kind of basic health insurance. And, if they want to provide you with room and board, better you should establish a rate for this, and pay it back to them out of your wages. That’s more professional.

You aren’t an au pair. But, if you were an Au Pair…

If you were an actual Au Pair (within State Department rules) you’d be getting additional benefits, such as basic health insurance, paid vacation, an education stipend ($500), and monthly training&social meetings with other au pairs. And, as an au pair from outside the US, you’d be getting some kind of cultural life experience — which you’re not getting as a US citizen. So, if we were to consider you a kind of ‘au pair’, you are not being fully compensated.

Also, as an au pair your tasks can NOT include doing business work for the host parents.

Worse, as an “au pair” you cannot be ‘docked’ any hourly wages if the family doesn’t use your full 45 hours. You’d get your weekly stipend, regardless of the hours.

You are a Nanny

Guess what– as a US citizen, an adult,  a person with a BA, and a person with significant childcare experience, you should be treated as a Nanny.

You know how much a nanny gets paid in the NY/NJ/Boston area? Anywhere between $12 and $25 per hour (before room and board). Even if you were to take the total # of hours of childcare, multiply that by $15, and then subtract the US State Dept. estimate of room and board (which is around $140/week), you are still being underpaid.

You’re also not an “intern”

Technically, an intern can be engaged by a company without being paid if the position meets 6 criteria. The three critical ones for you are :

• The training is for the benefit of the trainees;
• The trainees do not displace regular employees, but work under their close observation;
• The employer that provides the training derives no immediate advantage from the activities of the trainees, and on occasion the employer’s operations may actually be impeded

Otherwise, the “intern” must be paid the hourly minimum wage of $7.25 / hour with an overtime rate (over 40 hrs) of $10.88.

You are a part-time office worker with a college degree.

I can see that the family might want to call you an intern, and deduct the Room&Board from your hourly rate, but really. They are using the term ‘intern’ to keep up a convenient fiction– that this isn’t a real job that they’d have to pay someone real wages for. If your host parent tired to hire someone to do the work you’re doing, she’d be hard pressed to find anyone with the skills you are using who’d accept less than $10 / hour in the Northeast City. Geeze, a high school babysitter on Friday nights gets $10/hour.

Moms, Dads and Au Pairs, what do you recommend that she do?

Ask to be paid as a Nanny and Office Worker? Find a new job? Wait it out until the end of her year? Your advice wanted, below….

Felted Unicorn Throw Rug (tapestry, really, who’d want to walk on something this pretty?) available on Etsy from SongPony

Must we use an Au Pair Agency to engage an Au Pair?

Yes.

Sure, you can go it alone, but then you would not be operating within US Law.

We emphatically recommend that you use an approved agency to find and retain your au pair. Following the laws and regulations protects both your family and your au pair.

There are 14 different approved agencies in the USA, and they range in both cost and in level of support (e.g., training, local counselors, etc.) If you are concerned about costs, you can do some comparison shopping and even contact agencies to try to negotiate some kind of signing bonus.

Pre-Matching with Someone You Already Know

If you already know a young person outside the US who you’d like as your au pair, you can “pre-match” with this person, and then engage an agency to manage the paperwork, travel, training and support.

Using a Website to Refer to an Agency

Also, you can find an au pair on one of many websites (e.g., Great Au Pair — not an endorsement, just an example) and then work through them to have both parties referred to an agency that operates within the home country of your desired au pair.

Bottom Line:

Trying to create and sustain an au pair relationship without using an approved agency is against the law. It’s also a bad idea.

For more on this issue, see these posts, below. Be SURE to read people’s comments for important details and insights.:

Going “Off the Board” to find an Au Pair

What the best way to Pre-Match with an Au Pair, before connecting to an Agency?

Reading the Fine Print: How do Au Pair Agency contracts differ?
Choosing an Au Pair Agency: Two questions that might make a difference
If you were an Au Pair: Agency or Website?
An Open Letter to Au Pairs without an Agency, Outside the USA

State Department Site re Au Pairs
“Designated Sponsor Organizations” aka Approved Au Pair Agencies

Owl Image from ThePinkTonka Shop on Etsy, filled with interesting owl-y things.

As a host parent, you’ve worried about car accidents, flu shots and even head lice. But did you ever think you’d need to worry about bedbugs?

HMJ didn’t think so.

But now, bedbug-related fears — all very reasonable — are challenging her relationship to her terrific Au Pair.

Dear AuPairMom -

We are 18 months into our experience with our first aupair (she extended for an extra year). We love her and she is a responsible, beautiful young woman. Really a part of our family and a perfect fit for us. She has a boyfriend and it’s pretty serious but she insists she’s going home in 6 months regardless of her boyfriend. 

Our au pair spends every weekend with her boyfriend at his apartment from Friday night until late Sunday night. This has not been a problem for us at all. BUT, now we have an issue.

The boyfriend’s apartment has been confirmed for a bedbug infestation (from a new roommate that moved in in Thanksgiving).

We have had our house inspected and we’ve been told that we don’t have bedbugs in our house. However, I hear that bedbug inspections and also bedbug treatments are not fool-proof.

Obviously, we don’t want bedbugs to invade our home. We can’t bear the idea of them, much less the expense and trauma to deal with them (and the toxins all over the house).

I have told our au pair that she cannot stay over at her boyfriend’s home until the bedbug treatment is done and his apartment is declared bedbug-free. But, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with her going over there at all, even after the exterminator has been there.

Au au pair is devastated, crying all the time, not eating. I love her and don’t want to hurt her but I just don’t want to have to worry for 6 months about discovering bedbugs. The fellow who inspected out house has explained that she might be able to prevent bringing bedbugs home with her by taking off all her clothes before she enters the house (and leaving them and a clean change of clothes in the garage). And, he suggested that she leave her things in the car. But the car she uses is also the one that we use for the kids. And, if you have bedbugs in your garage how long until they get inside somehow, someway?

Apparently, the beg bugs (outside, in bags) can be killed in freezing temperatures AFTER 2 solid weeks. We currently have below freezing weather, but in 2 months that won’t be a solution.

And here’s the real problem: I don’t trust the boyfriend. I am not convinced they will spend the money to do the treatment correctly and keep up inspections. I don’t have any solid reason to feel this way just some bad impressions (he’s a deadbeat dad, hasn’t made accommodations to support her schedule, etc.)

What would you do? HMJ

Dear MHJ -

This is an especially tough situation since the real remedy — complete & trustworthy extermination — is beyond your control.

There’ a whole lot of distance between you and who’s responsible for the problem & on the hook for the solution (the boyfriend’s roommate). You’ve got to find a way to get your au pair, her boyfriend, and his roommate to care about this as much as you do.

You are completely right, of course, about wanting to protect your home, your kids, and your au pair from bedbugs and related extermination trauma.

Your request that your au pair not spend time at her boyfriend’s house is reasonable from that perspective. And, for a host of reasons, we understand that you wouldn’t want to invite him to sleep over or hang out in your home. Keep in mind, too, that your au pair shouldn’t be over at his place even immediately after the place is treated– sometimes it takes many treatments, and it always takes several weeks after any treatment to know whether it’s been effective.

I’ve got two suggestions — a ‘head’ strategy and a ‘heart’ strategy.

First, the information-oriented approach:

Ask your au pair to become an expert on bedbugs and how to eradicate them.

• Ask her to identify what really is effective, and to develop a plan that (she and) her boyfriend could pursue to make his apartment and her safe from bedbugs.

• Have her look online at bed bug slide shows like this one from WebMD or at YouTube videos of bedbugs crawling over someone’s bed or arm. It will completely creep her out and impress on her just how serious a bedbug infestation can be.

• Position this as a way she needs to take care of herself. And, let it take the burden off you for being the person telling her not to hang out in that apartment.

Now for the Heart-based approach:

Use the “he would if he really cared” argument.

For example,

• If her boyfriend really loves her and really wants to spend time with her at his home, he & his roommate need to exterminate and then have it
• If her boyfriend really cares about her, and if he is really good enough for her, he can prove it by verifying that his apartment is bug-free.
• If he really loved her, he wouldn’t want her to expose herself or her host family to bed bugs.

If she and he know what they’re really facing with bedbugs, and they care about each other (and your family), he should bite the bullet and deal with it.

Host parents, what else would you try?

See also:

Creepy, Crawly, Contagious Things- What if your Au Pair catches them too?

Image: Bunia Beagle Some rights reserved by gmeger . Just fyi, beagles can be trained to ‘sniff out’ bedbugs.

What do we do when our au pairs don’t like our pets?

No au pair is required or should be expected to take care of a dog by walking him, feeding him or training him. Pets are most assuredly not the responsibility of an au pair.

While a pet-friendly au pair may be happy to help with dog chores, that’s always at his or her discretion, and host parents should understand that they can’t assume the au pair will do anything more than make sure the dogs doesn’t escape out the front door or go too long without water in his bowl.

But what if the au pair and the dog just don’t get along?

JM Host Mom shared this problem in our conversation about New Year Review: Reset Au Pair Expectations for 2012. It was one of three issues that she was struggling to deal with. I think this problem is significant in its own right, so let ‘s talk about it.

Here’s JM Host Mom’s concern:

The dog. She hates our dog. Our dog hates her. Our dog is a sweet little dog who is very active and exciting. Granted, she’s not the easiest dog in the world IF you let her run wild and don’t correct her. But we’ve tried to be compassionate and have spent HUNDREDS of dollars on an in-home trainer since our au pair arrived to try to help. The poor dog gets so upset and anxious that she barks constantly at the au pair.

The au pair is not doing the things the trainer taught her. The au pair complains about the dog, and locks her in her crate for long periods of time because it’s the easiest thing to do. We keep asking her, “are you doing what the trainer taught us?” and she says, “well, no…” We tell her to do what the trainer taught us (it’s not like it’s that hard) and NOT to lock her in the crate (which just exacerbates the dog’s anxiety and makes it worse). But nothing changes. We keep coming home and finding the dog locked in the crate.

The au pair says “oh she’s only been in for a quick ten minute time out,” but we’re pretty sure she’s been in there a LONG time because we can tell by the dog’s behavior (she’s our dog, we know what she’s like). Any suggestions?

See also:

Poll: Do you ask your Au Pair to walk your dog?
Can I ask my au pair to Bathe the Dog?

 Image: Smiling Dog Some rights reserved by yark64