I was surprised to discover that AuPairMom has just published our 300th post!

It’s hard to believe. But even more amazing?

These 300 posts have generated 6, 151 comments from us.

What a happy amount of wisdom going around.

To celebrate, two things are in order…
First, invite a host parent friend to come join us here at AuPairMom.
Second, indulge me in my Hello Kitty enthusiasm.

(You know you love Hello Kitty. You don’t have to be embarrassed about that. We’ve certainly shared worse secrets.)

So let’s jump on in to another awkward topic — If your au pair is having fun, safe overnights, and she just wants to make sure you’re not worried, how should she tell you? Should she even tell you?

I don’t actually want to know if my au pair is having fun. I do want to know that she is being medically safe, that she is being socially safe, and that we can find her if there is an emergency.

Me being me, I have been pretty straightforward in talking to our au pairs about their personal safety. I have said in so many words “I don’t want to know who you’re dating, I just want to know that you are safe, and when to worry.” And I have always brought this up myself with each of our au pairs, rather early in their time with us, so we had a a system established for making sure that we had the ‘just in case’ information,even before it was needed.

A System: (1) Contact phone number, (2) Home tonight yes or no?

Back before cell phones, our au pair would write down the name, address and phone number of her boyfriend, and also the contact information for her best au pair girlfriends. She sealed this in an envelope, and we put it in the cabinet to be opened “just in case”. If she had more than one boyfriend, I never knew. I just knew that there was an envelope with information just in case.

I also asked our au pairs just to let me know with with a quick phone call if they had changed plans and were not coming home that night. I didn’t want to worry if she had planned to stay out somewhere, but I did want to be able to call the police if we expected her home and she never wandered back in.

Later, once our au pairs had cell phones, a quick text message and another contact phone number were all I asked for. I really didn’t need to know “who”, just “whether” and “when” they were coming home. This managed to get me the information I needed if there were an emergency, but gave our au pair a smidgen of privacy.

[[In the background, I was also concerned about whether the guys they were dating were decent young men, but I never had real worries because all of our au pairs were sensible young women who were pretty picky when it came to American guys. (The Irish and Scottish soccer coaches were a whole different matter.)  ]]

Now, consider this thoughtful email from a au pair.

First of all, I really love your blog, and have been reading it ever since I began my application last year. Host parents on the blog seem to share really useful advice.

I realize that what I’m asking may be a difficult subject to discuss (especially since I’ve gotten the impression that this is even more taboo here than in my home country), but I really need some advice, and I don’t know where else to get it.

I am happily placed with a host family I love, and I feel like I can talk to them about everything – except this.

I have kinda started seeing an American guy in the town where I live, and I’ve told my host parents that I went on a date with him. The problem is, I haven’t told them that we’re also sleeping together, ’cause I’m afraid of how they might react.

I am being careful, and I don’t just mean using protection. I always tell one or more of my friends where I’m going, how long I’ll be there, and message them when I get home. Going without sex for my whole year in the US was never really an option for me, and this guy is perfect, as none of us actually wants a relationship. I just don’t feel right lying to my host parents about where I go when I go to see him.

So what I really need some advice on is this:

Should I tell my host parents about this (in a gentle way) so that they can know where I am at all times? Or is there such a thing as too much information?

How would you react if you knew your au pair was having casual sex?

How can I handle this thing without having them lose their trust in me?

I’m not very open to comments about ending my relationship with this guy, because is a a great person and we’re clear on what our relationship is. AP22

Now, this is my kind of au pair– safe, sensible and thoughtful. What advice do you have for her?

You can buy this print from TheWheatfield on Etsy for only $22! The guy you can probably find in Williamsburg (Brooklyn).

We’ve talked recently about the issues related to having an au pair work extra hours for the host family, and we’ve also talked about whether you should let your au pair babysit for your friends. But we haven”t talked about whether you should permit your au pair to work at another job.

“Why haven’t we talked about this before?” you might wonder.  The answer is simple:

Having your au pair take a second job is a bad idea. A bad, bad idea. Never works out well for anyone. Ever.

Of course, now that I’ve written those words, we’ll hear from the two au pairs who were able to manage a second job because their host families only needed them for 20 hours a week, or something. But, having talked to so many host parents, I can tell you that I’ve never heard of a host parent for whom this has worked out.

It is against the rules for an au pair to work a second job. It is also illegal.

And, it is a horrible idea, for these 6 additional reasons:

• She’ll be too tired to work when she’s on duty with your kids, because she’ll be working too many hours.

• She’ll get attached to the extra money and start to devalue the non-cash compensation and the non-financial benefits she gets from you.

• The job with the official paycheck, out in public, where when meets people, will begin to feel more important than your job, at home, with your kids, which becomes just babysitting.

• She will schedule herself to work, and then not be available when you need her.

• She’ll work all of those hours (like weekends, and Saturday nights) when you’d rather have her on duty, but which you’ve set as her free time so she can relax and socialize.

• She may need your car to get there and back. If it’s your third care, she probably won’t compensate you for the mileage. If it’s your second car, you and/or your spouse will be stranded.

Here is a question from a host family who is trying to figure out how to respond to their au pair, who wants to get a second job.

Our au pair is considering taking a second job. My husband and I have set some strict ground rules and made it clear she will have to quit if it interferes with her au pair duties. She knows that it is against the terms of her visa and of the au pair program, although we have said that this is between her and the agency and state department. And, my DH and I are on the fence about the whole idea.

I’m curious about other host families have experienced with this issue. Here’s what I’d love to know:

Did you say no if your au pair asked to get a second job?

Have you allowed (or just turned a blind eye to) your au pair having a second job in retail or waitressing, for example?

How did it impact her performance for you as your au pair?

Did you set ground rules?

Did you ever find out that your au pair had a second job, and then asked her to quit? Or reported her to your LCC/Area Director?

What are the implications for you if she is caught by the LCC/Area Director or the sponsoring agency?

Serve up your advice parents!

Photos from Flickr:

Hot waitress from sourjayne Team of Hooters from Dale Miller Kristi Serves from Buckshot Frank

When a host mom emailed to ask for some specific suggestions around keeping the cost of cell phones down, I flinched. The whole cell phone thing, like recycling, is delegated in our house to my DH. Why? Because I just can’t stand to deal with it. Though I should deal with it, and stop avoiding it by remaining ignorant.

But hey, that’s my issue. It is, however, also related to this HM’s issue. And, with no knowledge to share with her myself, I turn to you, dear readers, for your knowledge of what cell phones (will) actually cost, and for you concrete suggestions about how to keep costs down.

Here is our Host Mom’s full email, with her specific information needs:

Does anyone have a really easy, painless way to deal with cell phone use so I don’t feel like I’m paying too much, and yet she won’t feel cut off from her friends?


Is 50 bucks a month about how much the au pair cell phone is going to cost, even if we shift around our cell phone accounts? We have an opportunity to do this.


I was looking around the site last night and didn’t quite find these answers. Lots of conversations about billing for overuse, but by doing the go-phone we have built-in limits. Even so, I was reviewing our pay-as-you-go phone account and it looks like I’ve been spending 50 bucks a month on au pair cell phone use, which surprised me.


I don’t want to turn into a shrewish host, I HATE accounting, and just I’ve never wanted to get into nickel and diming the au pairs about cell phone use. We have VOIP, so I encourage them to use the house phone as much as possible and don’t charge them for calling another continent from home, since it’s the same price as calling a neighbor.


The problem with using the self-limiting go phone arises when I need to reach my AP, for example, to tell her that I will pick them up in a different spot, only to discover she has run out of funds and I, the parent, cannot reach her at all. The point of the cell phone is for ME to reach her with kid-related information, not her convenience for chatting with friends.

She is a very responsible AP, and does not stay on the cell for hours, so I’m trying to figure out if this is just the price of doing business, or if I’m spending a lot too much.

My Pink Hello Kitty Cell! from fatcatinakomona
Hello kitty cell phone casefrom Pinky Anela
Talking on my Hello Kiitty cell…from ironic1

As we learned in the conversation about whether to get a US driver’s license, the process itself can be a bit of a drag. There is nothing like waiting in line at the DMV for 55 minutes only to be turned away because they don’t consider your Estonian passport to be “enough” identification.

There are a few things that you can do as a host parent to make the licensing process easier on your au pair.

Here are 7 ways you can help:

1. First, get a copy of your state driving regulations in your au pair’s native language as well as in English. Many states have manuals in several languages that can be downloaded at home, and some have even more manuals in more languages at the actual office.

2. Use your state’s DMV website — often they have practice written tests that people can use online to test their knowledge and improve their comfort with the material. And, the DMV will have descriptions of the actual road test too, so your au pair can think about what will be expected of him.her.

3. Call ahead to see if s/he can take the test in her own language. Not that s/he shouldn’t also read and learn the rules in English too, but taking the written test in your native language may reduce some of the stress.

4. Make sure that you take all of the documents required. Check on line for the list of what’s allowed, take all of them and a few extra ones too.

5. Make sure that your own car is up to date with registration, inspections, headlights, and a current insurance card. Send your au pair to take the test in a car that will pass!

Also, JJ recommends:

6. I tend to be a hands-off host mom, but I’ve learned that it’s better to go with our au pair to the DMV when she goes to take her written test. Someone at our local DMV does not understand that a J1 working visa is different from a student visa, and has turned away more than one au pair who didn’t have a school transcript with her. It’s worthwhile to have a native English speaker there to explain the visa requirements so au pairs don’t have to stand in line for hours multiple times only to be turned away.

7. And, finally, my personal tip: Once you au pair gets his or her license, take your au pair and the kids out for ice cream. It’s important to celebrate! Plus, if the kids get ice cream after their shots, then surely your au pair should get ice cream after getting a US license!

Any other tips?

Hi, AuPairMom Readers–

We are a host family in a metropolitan suburb with two young boys. This is our fourth year hosting. Over the years, we have had 3 very successful matches and 2 rematches – a mixed bag. The good matches were very good, and those au pairs continue to visit us, and we are going to Germany in the fall for the wedding of our first au pair.

So, as host parents, we have had success with the program. Our rematches were for reasons unrelated to the problems we are currently having. Both were quite young, very homesick and unable to make friends here – long story.

Our current au pair is 20 years old and from Germany (all of our au pairs have been German). She arrived 4 weeks ago. I work part time outside the home and my husband works full time outside the home.

Our current problem is simple: Our au pair lied about smoking on her application and is drinking, possibly while using our car. During the interview process, we were clear – as we are every year – that smokers need not apply for the job. The agency listed her as a non-smoker and we interviewed her regarding the issue as well.

When she arrived, she reeked of cigarette smoke. The next day, I told her that I can tell that she smokes, and she told me it only on “special occasions” when out with friends, not regularly and that we will never smell it on her. However, every night after work she goes out for a half hour or hour drive and when she comes home, she smells strongly of smoke and so does the car, the bathroom, the laundry room where she leaves her clothes and of course her own room. I again confronted her and she said she would stop, but she has not.

I object not only to the disgusting smell, but also to the fact that she lied.

In addition, we were very clear that she should not drink while in the U.S. and if she is going to do so, to let us know and leave the car home. Today she admitted to me that she drives with her friend – another au pair who is 21 – to get beer regularly, but that only the friend drinks it, not her. K. says that when she wants to drink, she makes sure the friend drives her.

I do not believe for one minute that the au pair drives her friend to get beer and sits around while her friend drinks, not having any. She swears this is true, but since she lied about the smoking, I don’t buy it.

Aside from this, there are other issues with her (such as a 40 minute Skype video conference with her friends when she was supposed to be watching our 4 year old), but there are positives as well. She is an independent, energetic, happy person and the kids like her.

I confronted her this morning and am more or less getting the “silent treatment” right now.

How can I learn to trust her, or determine whether or not she is being truthful?

Am I making too much of this? Any suggestions welcome. Thanks very much. -Greenacres