I think I broke down crying in private five times last week. I did the best I could to make sure the children (a two and a four year old) were having a fun time while I was taking care of them, but I definitely was not able to give them my best self.

Our first Au pair was from Thailand who was ok at taking care of our children. The Au pair was very social and constantly out exploring the city. She constantly would hint at working OT by telling us how her other Au pairs always work OT and only wanted to work OT. Culturally, this was her passive aggressive way of asking for OT (or so we were told). We were never comfortable enough to ask her to work OT due to the rules. Our second Au pair was from Brazil and was very warm, open, and wonderful to our children. There was an instance early on where my work schedule just needed 5 more hours from our Au pair. We asked another host family whom I worked with who did not have his Au pair work OT advise. The host dad said he had had a discussion with his Au pair, and she replied that OT is quite the standard and that $10/hour is also normal. So, we approached our Au pair about working OT, and she told us that OT is preferred for her. We once joked about getting a night nanny, so we could get some sleep. She very seriously told us that we didn’t need to do this, and that she would also take the night shift (we never took her up on this). We would write out the schedule every week and go over it with her – most of the time including OT – and ask her if she is ok with it. She was a very integrated part of our family and would often volunteer to watch the kids in addition to her schedule when she could see that we were a bit overwhelmed. On the occasion that we let her, she wouldn’t accept money for additional help here and there. Every family is different and has different needs. Some people are busy bodies and want to be busy all of the time. Other people need lots of downtime and taking care of children exhausts them. It really is dependent on the individual.

I’m sure that other host mom’s will find fault with your reply, but the majority have not walked in the shoes of an au pair and will never be able to understand what it is like.

Thank you for writing such an appropriate and right on target response.

1. “we compensate her financially”, “we buy her gifts”…
Some parents are justifying the extra hours by claiming that au pairs are always eager to make extra money and gladly welcome the overtime hours. What I wish to point out in relation to this is that firstly, it is wrong to generalize across au pairs. Like anyone else, au pairs have different personal and different family backgrounds; some are socially privileged, others are not, or much less. Some have dependants in their home countries, some are financially independent, while others still depend and can count on the financial support of their parents and families in their home countries. Some are extroverted, others are introverted. Some enjoy going out regularly, others prefer to stay in. Some are ambitious, others are not… But the baseline here is, nobody, no au pair I know or knew is/was thrilled to have his or her host family overwork her in exchange for money and other material perks. Quite the contrary: they complain(ed), because they were exhausted and it deprived them of opportunities that were meant to be part of the cultural exchange – free time and leisure activities attending language class, interacting with fellow au pairs or other people, beyond the family… Secondly, let us not forget that as in any employer employee host- hosted relation a POWER RELATION exists between the host family/ parents and the au- pair, and this no matter how free you are with your au pair and no matter how much you effort you put in to make her “feel at home.

2. “she has access to a fully fuelled car”, “she has a nice room and bathroom to herself, a computer and full time internet access, and TV in her room”,
In the part of the world that you and I live in, having a TV, a computer and internet access in our homes has become banal; there’s nothing super exceptional about it. If you can afford to hire an au pair, a nanny, a live in house help etc, then it goes without arguing that you are expected to provide a decent room for your au pair . That she has her personal bathroom, TV, and computer is fine, but not absolutely indispensable. And let’s face it, in as much as it is convenient for her to have private access to these commonly shared household spaces and facilities, it is also convenient for the parents and the family.
Moreover, what is the use of offering her all these when she hardly has the time and energy to enjoy them??

3. “Only one really sweet baby to watch — our now 10 month old daughter, who lucky for all of us is an angel, never crying, fussing”

That your child or children are the easiest and the most fuss-free to look after in the entire world, does not in anyway justify you regularly overworking your au pair. As Anon-y-Mom and others have pointed out, having your au pair look after your child or children for so many hours a day is not good for any of the persons involved. Not for her, not for your child, and not for you.
An au pair is expected to have a cultural exchange which involves meeting people beyond her host family and beyond the confines of her working hours, interacting with other au pairs. Working for over 45 hrs a week barely leaves her the energy and time for that! Memories of my exhaustion as an au pair are still fresh: and I was not an abused au pair, since I worked 30-35 hours a week. But I can still remember how exhausted I was after 5-6 hours of looking after three children aged below 5 years. I can only imagine what those overworked au pairs are going through! Needless to say, the quality of child care offered by an exhausted and overworked au pair, always takes the downward direction.

It is my opinion, (one that is shared by many au pairs and former au pairs I know) that : No, it is NOT OK to have au pairs work overtime on a regular basis in exchange for financial or material compensation, or whatever arguments you put forth.

An au pair is neither a nanny, nor a house helps. She should not be the one to carry our parental responsibilities. Her working hours and responsibilities assigned to her should reflect her au pair status.

Possible solutions could involve having two au pairs (as one parent here is doing ); employing a (full time/ part time ) nanny and an au pair; you and your spouse cutting back on your working hours etc.