Comments on: Extra Hours: What’s fair pay when you break this taboo?

By: Dorsi

Dorsi — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 22:12:31 +0000

This seems like a situation where it is totally fair to ask the AP what she wants. As long as you are both satisfied with the situation, I think you are keeping with the spirit of the program.

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By: Emmiejane

Emmiejane — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 21:32:50 +0000

We are a fairly new host family. I realized that I broke a rule last week without realizing it, which is that I thought the au pair couldn’t work more than 10 hours in a row, not 10 hours a day. It was a Friday. She worked from 8:30-4:30 and then from 6p-9:30p. We wanted to go out to grab some dinner and a movie.

It is interesting because I realize that I broke a rule, but our AP would almost certainly prefer us to go out on Friday night and let her have the entire rest of the weekend off, than have us go out on Saturday and break up her weekend. She loves to hang out with other au pairs, and they sort of disappear for the weekend.

We do not use all 45 hours. We probably used maybe 38 last week, and four of those hours were hours in which she did not have the children, but could do their laundry in peace etc… We are not facing the hours issue that many of the posters on this thread face, but still have found ourselves in violation of the rules.

I had the intention of not breaking the program rules at all unless it was an emergency, but now I am not sure. It is actually nicer for our au pair for us to have “date night” on Friday night. She prefers it. The kids go to bed at 7p, so she spends most of the time on Friday night skyping and doing whatever she wants. Then she is free for the rest of the weekend. The au pairs go out late, so we try to go early to get back in plenty of time for her to hit the town, otherwise would have given her a longer break. Once again, I think she would rather have a shorter break and us home earlier for her to go out.

I think there are definitely shades of gray here. I’m debating about whether or not to go out on Friday night in the future or just save it for Saturdays to be in compliance even thought it actually is not as desirable for our AP.

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By: AFHostMom

AFHostMom — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 20:25:20 +0000

Bumping yet another old one, and we’re not from the tri-state area but we do live in the NCR so my husband and I deal with commuting issues pushing us over 45 hrs a week. Our solution is what others have suggested–offsetting the hours. My husband works 6:30-3:30, gets home and is changed and takes over by 4. I leave with him at 6, get on my train, am at work by 7:30, and work until 5. He and the kids pick me up at the station at 6. I work a 9-10 hour day so that I can have every other Friday off, and the rest of the time….we just juggle, and pray for snow days and federal holidays. It’s tough (I loathe, loathe, loathe waking up at 5 am), but that’s the choice I made when I decided to go back to work.

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By: HRHM

HRHM — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 19:06:20 +0000

Seeing as you only have 2 weeks left with them, I don’t think you have much leverage to work with. Based on your story, it’s obvious that they know they are abusing you and are intent on continuing to do so until you are done. As I see it you have two choices: 1) Quit early without notice (not very nice, but then again, they are playing nice either) or 2) Start keeping track of your hours and just flat out saying “no” once you’ve gone to the agreed upon limit. At that point, they’ll either have to learn to work within the hours, or they’ll fire you straight off.
I know that you are loathe to have the “conversation” with them, but the are COUNTING on that to avoid treating you properly. There is NO special way to bring it up, you just have to come right out and say that you feel the work conditions are not as agreed upon. Be prepared for the horrified looks, patronizing talk of “flexibility” and a huge guilt trip about poor sick Mum. Stand your ground. No matter how this plays out, the next 2 weeks are bound to be highly uncomfortable. It’s up to you WHO they are more uncomfortable for – you or them.

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By: M.Aupair

M.Aupair — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 13:14:25 +0000

Thank you for all of the support. I find it extremely intimidating to talk to this family about working hours…I’m not sure that they understand that an au pair is not on 24-hours a day nanny. I did however talk to the mother one day after having spent 2 days with her kids while she was out on the town with friends and then hung over the next day. I asked her for a break sometime during the day and the horrified look she had on her face made me wanna crawl under the couch. I felt horrible asking for a break while she was sick but I truly needed to get out of that house. Sickness was nothing new with her. Two months of mastitis and other ailments let her play the sympathy card more than once. So I figured I would talk to the husband about the hours when yesterday he asked me whether I would prefer to have this Saturday or Sunday off. I was shocked to say the least that after the hell of a week I’ve had (helping the family pack up their house in Ireland, move with them to Wales, help unpack, and work over 12 hours a day with no free time, and babysit for them 3 nights during all of this, one of which including New Years Eve) he would ask me to work an extra day. When I asked him if I could have the whole weekend off he said “We will see if you change your mind on Sunday.” I’m only with them for 2 more weeks and have another family lined up back in Ireland but I’m worried that they are going to suck the life from me. I’ve never au paired before and am confused about how much I should be working. They are paying me 150 euro a week to “be flexible” but I don’t know that 60+ hours a week is justified by that. Does anyone have any tips on how I can bring about this talk? Conversation starters or anything to get the ball rolling with confidence and without them shooing me away?

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By: Kirsty

Kirsty — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 14:25:30 +0000

I was in a ridiculously similar situation to yourself and feel your pain.
All I can say, is make sure you have enough money set aside so if things go wrong after calmly and maturely addressing issues with the HF, you can get out of there. The woman I worked for, made my life hell after I bought up issues in the household/blatant abuses.
I wish you a Merry Christmas and more importantly, a happier and better New Year.

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By: HRHM

HRHM — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 11:10:08 +0000

I agree that you really need to calmly address your complaints with the HM. But be prepared that it is unlikely that they will suddenly “come up” with the money for insurance, heat and wifi now. You may be able to get a more fair and fixed schedule, but with the stay home mom, she may not see you as “working” when she is present (half hour here, one there, etc) and so in her mind, she probably doesn’t see a problem. Not saying it’s right, but she may see it differently than you.
Realistically, you should also probably start looking for a new family to go to, maybe one in a less remote location or one who already has an AP and knows what to expect/how to budget. Hope it all works out for you.

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By: Euromom

Euromom — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 08:41:50 +0000

Hey there,
Unfortunately your experience is not unfamiliar. I have dealt with many APs in Ireland who have exactly the same issues, particularly when they are not close to the cities and you need a car to get around, the HF’s just don’t factor in the expense of additional insurance or especially if you are their first AP – the may not have adequately budgeted for your needs, i.e. heating your room.

My advice – if you are with an agency – let them know that you are having issues and that you intend to address them in an adult manner (see Europhile’s post above) but that you would like the agency support and if necessary the agency should be ready to find you an alternative host family.

If you are not with an agency, then I would start looking for alternatives myself – just to check the lay of the land and then have the talk.

But be very prepared – have your hours documented so there is no ambiguity about it and ask them to look at what was agreed in the matching process (car, internet, living quarters etc) and how that has changed, make it clear that you understand the reasons and would be prepared to compromise on one aspect, (i.e. the living quarters for insurance on car)
Let us know how you get on.

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By: Europhile

Europhile — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 22:32:00 +0000

M.Aupair — sit down with your HM or HF and have a talk. Make sure you are prepared. It seems to me that you “let them do this to you” — the only way it can change is if you address all your issues factually. They are not willing (or able) to read your mind, and have probably not thought this through. In my opinion, they are clearly exploiting you. They should also come up with a suggestion for you to be more mobile.

After you have your talk, give them a couple of weeks to address your issues. If it then becomes clear that nothing is changing, you are best of to look for a new situation. But give yourself a chance first, and be mature about it. It’s a big step for a 19 year old, but you won’t regret it, and don’t make them abandon your AP time.

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By: M.Aupair

M.Aupair — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 21:45:16 +0000

I’m working as an au pair in Ireland and feel that I am been stretched from all sides. The husband works in the UK M-F so it is me, the mother, and the two kids (age 4 and 4 months). The mother is a stay at home but I still find myself working 12 hour days. I start work at 8am and end between 8pm and 9pm. During this time the mother sleeps, goes out, visits friends while I mind the two kids. I’m exhausted dealing with two kids all day long and then listen to her gripe about being up with the baby during the night and how she can’t bare to miss out on a nap. To add to it the mother has been “ill” since I started with them (2 months ago). It’s either mastitis, food poisoning, colds, flus, anything really. To top it all off I was promised to be put under their insurance because they live out in the country and it’s a 45 min walk to the nearest village…they refused to put me on the insurance once they found out how expensive it is to insure someone under 25. They promised me a guest house/apartment that was attached to the house with access to internet…they didn’t want to pay to heat the apartment and don’t have wireless internet. I was also told that I would only be minding the 4 year old and that the mother would be there at all times to mind the baby. I’m 19 years old and in way over my head. The family is pleasant enough but I’m finding it hard not to resent working for them after all of this.
Any suggestions?

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