Many parents find that 45 hours a week is not enough childcare.
Either you have an emergency late night at work, a kid home sick, a snow day, or a bookclub meeting. Some parents have work + commute combos that mean they’re away from home 10 hours a day, m-f, even if they stagger their departures and returns.
In a perfect world, we’d have low cost back-up childcare — a friend or parent, a high school babysitter, or even a second au pair — who could pick up the childcare hours that go above and beyond your au pair’s 45 hour limit.
But we don’t live in a perfect world, and so host parents (and au pairs) break or bend the 45 hour/week rule.
Let’s agree that we know that this rule exists, and the reasons why it exists. Given that some parents feel they need to break this rule, and given that many au pairs would be happy to earn some extra pocket money — let’s tawk:
Is there a fair way to ask for & pay for extra on-duty hours?
The host parent who emailed to ask that we discuss this has two key questions.
One question is easier– what to pay per hour?
The second question is a bit dicier — how to make it fair?
Here’s the email from the parent who suggested this post:
Dear APM readers- My question is about extra hours.
I know this subject may be a little taboo, but I have spoken with my current Au Pair and many of her friends, and I’ve learned that many families have made arrangements for their Au Pairs who work over the 45 hour limit.
My spouse and I both commute to NYC and even working 9-5, the commuting makes a typical week 52-55 hours long. During our interviews with prospective au pairs, we discussed our longer work week and also discussed how we would compensate her monetarily for this. We also discussed what other ‘perks’ we would offer an Au Pair – things such as:
- Full car use on weekends
- Her own private bathroom and tv room (for the most part)
- Cell phone and texting plan
- A computer for her use only
- Almost never having to work weekends (unless she was off a bit during the week – and we always try to clear this with her first)
- Only one really sweet baby to watch — our now 10 month old daughter, who lucky for all of us is an angel, never crying, fussing, etc. Compared to the many au pairs we know who are in charge of two or three hyperactive 6-10 year olds, our one baby seems to be easier work
What we tried to make clear was that we were offering a somewhat cushy set-up. In addition, we felt with my wife and I being young (31) and in our eyes, relatively cool, we offered an all around good deal for a prospective Au pair, short of the extra hours.
Our Au Pair agreed to this arrangement before matching, and it’s been working well for us. That said, she is also a fabulous au pair in every way.
Here are my main questions:
What do you think is fair to pay your au pair for these extra hours?
What are other families who require north of 45 hours paying their au pairs?
If you simply offer the Au Pair her hourly rate for the extra hours (weekly pocket money divided by 45 hrs), it comes out to $4.33. I feel like that is taking advantage a bit, but I don’t have a different way to assess what other amount might be ‘better’.
I’m looking looking to hear other host parents’ (and au pairs’) thoughts.
What makes this Host Dad’s concern ‘unique’ is that this arrangement is not temporary or occasional — it’s an ongoing thing. So, I expect that host parents will have some specific & different concerns about this arrangement as opposed to ad hoc extra hours here and there.
Some concerns I had–
What if the au pair changes her mind about the arrangement?
What if your work schedules change and she stops earning ‘extra’ money?
What if your au pair ends up chronically tired, or grumpy?
Okay host parents and au pairs, off we go.
Just ONE request– if you want to comment anonymously, choose & use a pseudonym. We need to keep track of all the participants as we unfold our conversation.
spazimal rainbow from jek in the box
spazimal pink spotted splat from jek in the box
See also:
Do you pay your Au Pair for her orientation days?
Should you share your au pair?
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i just had a question for some of you stay at home moms that babysit…im 23 years old i have a 3 year old son…now i babysit a 7month old and a 2 year old there mom drops them of and doesnt come back for about 6 to 9 hours now i only get 20 no matter how many hours i babysit i think its really unfair i just dont no how to confront her about it does anyone have any advice they could give me? thank you!!!
I’m working as an au pair in Ireland and feel that I am been stretched from all sides. The husband works in the UK M-F so it is me, the mother, and the two kids (age 4 and 4 months). The mother is a stay at home but I still find myself working 12 hour days. I start work at 8am and end between 8pm and 9pm. During this time the mother sleeps, goes out, visits friends while I mind the two kids. I’m exhausted dealing with two kids all day long and then listen to her gripe about being up with the baby during the night and how she can’t bare to miss out on a nap. To add to it the mother has been “ill” since I started with them (2 months ago). It’s either mastitis, food poisoning, colds, flus, anything really. To top it all off I was promised to be put under their insurance because they live out in the country and it’s a 45 min walk to the nearest village…they refused to put me on the insurance once they found out how expensive it is to insure someone under 25. They promised me a guest house/apartment that was attached to the house with access to internet…they didn’t want to pay to heat the apartment and don’t have wireless internet. I was also told that I would only be minding the 4 year old and that the mother would be there at all times to mind the baby. I’m 19 years old and in way over my head. The family is pleasant enough but I’m finding it hard not to resent working for them after all of this.
Any suggestions?
M.Aupair — sit down with your HM or HF and have a talk. Make sure you are prepared. It seems to me that you “let them do this to you” — the only way it can change is if you address all your issues factually. They are not willing (or able) to read your mind, and have probably not thought this through. In my opinion, they are clearly exploiting you. They should also come up with a suggestion for you to be more mobile.
After you have your talk, give them a couple of weeks to address your issues. If it then becomes clear that nothing is changing, you are best of to look for a new situation. But give yourself a chance first, and be mature about it. It’s a big step for a 19 year old, but you won’t regret it, and don’t make them abandon your AP time.
I agree that you really need to calmly address your complaints with the HM. But be prepared that it is unlikely that they will suddenly “come up” with the money for insurance, heat and wifi now. You may be able to get a more fair and fixed schedule, but with the stay home mom, she may not see you as “working” when she is present (half hour here, one there, etc) and so in her mind, she probably doesn’t see a problem. Not saying it’s right, but she may see it differently than you.
Realistically, you should also probably start looking for a new family to go to, maybe one in a less remote location or one who already has an AP and knows what to expect/how to budget. Hope it all works out for you.
I was in a ridiculously similar situation to yourself and feel your pain.
All I can say, is make sure you have enough money set aside so if things go wrong after calmly and maturely addressing issues with the HF, you can get out of there. The woman I worked for, made my life hell after I bought up issues in the household/blatant abuses.
I wish you a Merry Christmas and more importantly, a happier and better New Year.
Hey there,
Unfortunately your experience is not unfamiliar. I have dealt with many APs in Ireland who have exactly the same issues, particularly when they are not close to the cities and you need a car to get around, the HF’s just don’t factor in the expense of additional insurance or especially if you are their first AP – the may not have adequately budgeted for your needs, i.e. heating your room.
My advice – if you are with an agency – let them know that you are having issues and that you intend to address them in an adult manner (see Europhile’s post above) but that you would like the agency support and if necessary the agency should be ready to find you an alternative host family.
If you are not with an agency, then I would start looking for alternatives myself – just to check the lay of the land and then have the talk.
But be very prepared – have your hours documented so there is no ambiguity about it and ask them to look at what was agreed in the matching process (car, internet, living quarters etc) and how that has changed, make it clear that you understand the reasons and would be prepared to compromise on one aspect, (i.e. the living quarters for insurance on car)
Let us know how you get on.
Thank you for all of the support. I find it extremely intimidating to talk to this family about working hours…I’m not sure that they understand that an au pair is not on 24-hours a day nanny. I did however talk to the mother one day after having spent 2 days with her kids while she was out on the town with friends and then hung over the next day. I asked her for a break sometime during the day and the horrified look she had on her face made me wanna crawl under the couch. I felt horrible asking for a break while she was sick but I truly needed to get out of that house. Sickness was nothing new with her. Two months of mastitis and other ailments let her play the sympathy card more than once. So I figured I would talk to the husband about the hours when yesterday he asked me whether I would prefer to have this Saturday or Sunday off. I was shocked to say the least that after the hell of a week I’ve had (helping the family pack up their house in Ireland, move with them to Wales, help unpack, and work over 12 hours a day with no free time, and babysit for them 3 nights during all of this, one of which including New Years Eve) he would ask me to work an extra day. When I asked him if I could have the whole weekend off he said “We will see if you change your mind on Sunday.” I’m only with them for 2 more weeks and have another family lined up back in Ireland but I’m worried that they are going to suck the life from me. I’ve never au paired before and am confused about how much I should be working. They are paying me 150 euro a week to “be flexible” but I don’t know that 60+ hours a week is justified by that. Does anyone have any tips on how I can bring about this talk? Conversation starters or anything to get the ball rolling with confidence and without them shooing me away?
Seeing as you only have 2 weeks left with them, I don’t think you have much leverage to work with. Based on your story, it’s obvious that they know they are abusing you and are intent on continuing to do so until you are done. As I see it you have two choices: 1) Quit early without notice (not very nice, but then again, they are playing nice either) or 2) Start keeping track of your hours and just flat out saying “no” once you’ve gone to the agreed upon limit. At that point, they’ll either have to learn to work within the hours, or they’ll fire you straight off.
I know that you are loathe to have the “conversation” with them, but the are COUNTING on that to avoid treating you properly. There is NO special way to bring it up, you just have to come right out and say that you feel the work conditions are not as agreed upon. Be prepared for the horrified looks, patronizing talk of “flexibility” and a huge guilt trip about poor sick Mum. Stand your ground. No matter how this plays out, the next 2 weeks are bound to be highly uncomfortable. It’s up to you WHO they are more uncomfortable for – you or them.
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