My first AP gave us four months notice, but it was a tough year: my daughter had brain surgery, my husband burst his appendix, and I got pneumonia from stripping paint in the basement shower so I could reseal it. We completely cleaned out the back of the basement to make a bedroom for the 2nd AP where our study had been – I sold my books and gave my dissertation notes to a friend working in the same field. I think the AP resented what we were doing, but we had to separate our son from our daughter (she was screaming through the night – something that a microdose of Prozac finally eliminated). The AP pushed and pushed, and it was the wrong year, and I snapped. At one point, in her failure or unwillingness to listen to me, I got snarky, and asked “Do you not understand English or do you refuse to understand me?” The relationship ended badly, but by that time we were more than done with each other and my husband was stressed out from his role as peace-keeper. She quit three weeks before AP #2 arrived, and I bent over backwards to make it work without her (since it wasn’t his fault). AP #1 had stayed with us for 3 1/2 years and we had attempted to sponsor her as an employer, so we had no contract, and at that point, no agency.

My advice is not to get snarky. Try to sit down at the table and say, “I know you’re ready to go home and you want to be done working here, but I’m not happy with the way things are going. You might want a letter of recommendation from me some day, telling your future boss what a great person you are and right now I don’t feel that way. I need you to listen to me and to take your remaining weeks (days?) here seriously. It will be much more fun for both of us if we’re not angry at each other all the time.” But also give her time to air her complaints. Don’t give her a list of all her sins, just the things you absolutely need her to correct. And really try to listen to her, too.

This is such a different experience for me, because my last months with previous au pairs were such fun, relaxing times, as everyone knew the time was almost up, rules were lax as trust had been gained, and extra vacation days were given freely as the giving went both ways. In the past, my last 3 months with each au pair was the best in many ways. Not so with this one…things seemed to have gotten worse recently as her expectations and entitlement has increased and helpfulness has decreased. I suspect she is just homesick at this point and wants to go home–she has not had the same connection to back home as my past au pairs have had. So, knowing this logically, I am trying and trying to be the bigger person, but then I already give a lot of extra time and extra help, and can’t help but get ticked off when it isn’t appreciated or enough. So, she doesn’t want to work until the day we had agreed upon since she set foot in my house? Okay, no problem. But please stop wanting your cake and eat it too…