Host parents are often asked why they’ve chosen an au pair from a particular country, and whether an au pair’s home country matters.
How do you answer that question, without sounding like you’re stereotyping too much?
When it comes to having preferences for countries, we feel very comfortable prioritizing home countries based on language– if you want your kids to practice their Spanish with your au pair, it doesn’t make sense to look for au pairs from Thailand. And, we feel reasonably comfortable using home country as a proxy for religion– if you are Jewish family and you want an au pair who will keep kosher, it makes sense to look first at candidates from Israel, simply because Israel has a higher proportion of observant Jewish families than other countries.
But what about distinguishing between countries, based on what you’ve heard about au pairs from ‘there’?
Are all those Brazilian au pairs spoiled princesses? Based on my one experience, I’d avoid Brazil the next time.
Then again, we had a great Swedish au pair, and I’d look for another Swedish au pair. But, my sister’s Swedish au pair left after 4 months in the middle of the day after having 10 guests visit her in NYC. Worse, 6 out of 6 Swedish au pairs in her cluster last year left before their 12 months were up.
A host mom candidly emailed:
I wish there was a way to have a discussion about au pairs and nationalities and preferences without it getting negative or unhelpfully critical. The reason I bring this up is because the agency I use seems to have a lot of Brazilian au pairs but my husband and I are dead set against getting one because we have heard so many negative things, especially about their interest in partying. But at this time almost all of the au pairs in the agency pool are Brazilian.
I’m willing to be convinced to consider them but so far have not read anything compelling me to do so.
Do you think a blog post such as “Tell me which nationality is your favorite source for au pairs and what characteristics make you feel this way?” would lead to a positive discussion about nationalities generally that I can glean something from?
Bottom line, we will continue to look at candidates and try to evaluate our fit with them based on the information we have available– but in the back of my mind, I still wonder whether I should preference some other countries. We’re not interested in looking at another agency because we have been happy with au pair care and our local contact person is great.
Do you have any thoughts about this?
Host parents: How much does home country matter when you look for an au pair?
- Does home culture matter much to you when you look for au pairs?
- Which nationality is your favorite source for au pairs?
- What characteristics make you feel this way?
Note: This is not an invitation to trash or defend au pairs from Brazil, or Sweden, or anywhere else.
Let’s focus on whether, when and how cultural stereotypes matter, and what to do about that.
[Note: We'll talk about the role of socioeconomic background in upcoming post...]
See also:
Religion as an Au Pair selection criterion
Language as a Selection Criterion (Poll)
How to Avoid a Princess
Image: Brazilian Girls from rooshv
{ 119 comments… read them below or add one }
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I didn’t read all the comments, because really let me down. I’m a brazilian girl, and i’m going be au pair in august. And i thank God, that my host family don’t think that way. Please, like some brazilian au pairs said here, we are not all “party girls”. Most of us want to be au pair for to know your culture, improve english and have better opportunities when back to home. It’s not because Brazil is the Carnaval country that we make party all the time and we’re interested just in have fun. Is not to easy for us spend one year or so, far away of family so we really need of friends and have fun. Of course, a lot of responsibility, au pair is a job. I thank my host family for giving me the opportunity to show more about my country, how rich and amazing it is. We can take care of your children with love and affection. Help them has a healthy childhood, rich in discoveries. Like any au pairs from any other place from Europe. If you know more about Brazil, you can see a happy and lovely people but also hard working, smart that respect each religion, each race, that has arms opened to recieve everyone that approach. I love my country, and is not fair let anyone that are not prepared to be au pair represent us. Sorry if has some mistakes, but one of my reasons to be au pair is improve it.
I agree you cant generalize people. goodluck being an au pair:)
TOTALLY AGREE, Mi!
I’m Brazilian too and I’m going to to be an au pair in April. My host family is amazing and I’m very very that they don’t think this way, like yours.
I didn’t read all the comments, because really let me down. I’m a brazilian girl, and i’m au pair in Boston this its my second year . And i thank God, that my host family don’t think that way.Its so funny because my host family just choose another Brazilian girl..lolol… Please, like some brazilian au pairs said here, we are not all “party girls”. Most of us want to be au pair for to know your culture, improve english and have better opportunities when back to home. It’s not because Brazil is the Carnaval country that we make party all the time and we’re interested just in have fun. Of course, a lot of responsibility, au pair is a job. I thank my host family for giving me the opportunity to show more about my country, how rich and amazing it is. We can take care of your children with love and affection. Help them has a healthy childhood, rich in discoveries. Like any au pairs from any other places. If you know more about Brazil, you can see a happy and lovely people but also hard working, smart that respect each religion, each race, that has arms opened to recieve everyone that approach. I love my country, and is not fair let anyone that are not prepared to be au pair represent us. Sorry if has some mistakes, but one of my reasons to be au pair is improve it.
MI,Lu
great post as usual!
I will say that when I interviewed with my family, I did ask them how they were religiously. I also informed them a bit about my beliefs and what I would tell the children if asked directly by them and that I cannot lie about my beliefs, even though I would always phrase it as “Well, I believe that…”.
I will also say, just as a plus point, I specifically asked my host mom what she would be comfortable with me saying if her son asked me about such things as sex, a penis, a vagina,…etc. I respect that it is their choice for them teach their children the way they want to, which is why I asked such questions.
Hi DHM&DHD! My name is Karelin & im a potencial au pair in the match process with 7120hours of childcare experience, I trully love kids so Im looking for a lovely family which would love to spend an incredible experience with me, Im with Au Pair In America & I did a page about me & my environment & my skills specially for you, dont hesitate in call me or ask me anything. Good day! http://karelinyourbestaupair.blogspot.com/
just wanted to say related and unrelated i think south african girls make great au pairs. South africa has many different cultures and are very open to accomodating others and their cultures. i’m not saying some arent ‘party girls’…i think all countries have those. i am a white afrikaans south african girl, i add this because my culture differs from black/indian south affrican girls so i cant speak for them. In general afrikaans girls are raised with good values and respect for older people is a major thing. i dont like the idea of getting an au pair because you perhaps want you kids learning a new language or about a new culture…if i looked for an au pair i would look at their similarities…things like this girl has a good family life back home…so she will understand my family and our family values. i wouldnt ever get an au pair who didnt speak english really well or was from another religion…but that is my preference i guess. the agency i am using is very strick about who can and can not au pair. I have to take a personality test and the assessment is done by scotland yard…and some girls have been told they cant go because this test does pick up if you have other intentions or whether you are lying or hiding something.
i havent been aproached by host families since i havent completed my portfolio yet…but i wouldnt agree to live/work with a family if i didnt feel that we have enough in commom that i would fit in…
If anybody has a horror story about a south african au pair…i would really like to hear about it…
(english is not my first language so sorry if there are any mistakes;) )
Dear HMs and HDs and APs: I have had 5 au pairs from 4 countries. While there are cultural commonalities that you can generalize – much as folks around the world generalize about Americans – each au pair is an individual. Their country’s cultural and religious/secular views do color the girls’ personalities and experiences. It is what makes them interesting and sometimes can make the match a difficult adjustment for the parents, children and au pairs. I have had friends from different areas of the world who I know would not make a good au pair fit and have sought to avoid the most challenging differences while my kids were too young to be understanding or flexible. However, as they mature we are discussing those options with the understanding from the girls that they too will have to be flexible to make it work (they are now tweens and heading to teens). We have had a wonderful Brazilian au pair (did have a bit of adjusting to the more social behavior – but would happily have another Brazilian in our home) whose warmth and wonderful food really benefitted our family. She still emails 5 years later and we loved her. We’ve had two very different Swedish au pairs (also very enjoyable experiences) and a German and South African. The more I know the girls, the more I realize how their cultures color their life views but also benefit us. If you are a very organized and rigid personality (I’m not) then a girl (or boy) from a similarly structured culture may be the best place to start. If you are very warm and outgoing (think Brazilian, South American and mediterranean for examples only) you may like to start there. Each au pair is a person and so look for markers of characteristics that will suit your family and help the au pair adjust more quickly. Be frank about who you are too – as it is not fair to miss that it is a two way street – both sides have to work like in any relationship to make it really good and happy. This is for your children – so don’t expect it to be too easy or be shy of what you are looking for and ask her too. We realize an au pair with similar sibling experience is really helpful – they have taught me more than a thing or two about having sisters (which I didn’t have) and how they can argue and grow together. Let them cook – encourage it – it’s a great way to share culture. Invite their friends to the house if you feel comfortable with it – it’s a great way to share more.
For generalities, they do form a bases for a reason: Swedes have a fairly open, democratic and fairness based approach – which I really appreciate. We have a real appreciation for how they view things, and like their open families and acceptance of others. Brazilians are very warm and many are very family and friend oriented. If you are in their orbit, and encourage their friends to join you, it can be wonderful. Their social network is strong and so if the girl feels welcomed, she will be a happy and loving caretaker for your children, especially if you don’t look down on her need to socialize. Germans (besides being wonderful drivers) may at first appear less warm, but are very loving au pairs, but if you are chaotic and changeable, it can be a struggle for both sides. I realize for this relationship to work, I have to be honest about who I am and meet the au pair on common ground. My S.A. au pair we love but there are at least 3 or 4 different cultures there and each is very distinctive. Ours was Afrikaans. I wouldn’t trade her for the world. One of our Swedes suggested an S.A. because of a friendship she struck up. Turns out one was English and the other Afrikaaner which is very different – still the end result was a great choice for us. We didn’t realize that say OMG was a “curse” to her, and it took a bit to change so we didn’t offend, but couldn’t manage that for everyone else she came in contact with – became a little bit of a running joke (she had a great sense of humor). We look at each au pair as a new opportunity. I have learned to cook many new foods, heard different tongues, discussed many different religious and cultural views and problems…it is a little like traveling to a new country each year. To appreciate it truly – you have to be a little flexible and so does your au pair. We have a pretty strong house hold personality and the kids don’t exactly jump when you say jump so have avoided cultures where that might be a bit problem (thai – lovely but fear my kids would walk on them from my college friendships with charming thai and indonesian women, asian cultures – though we may try that next for my Japan crazy daughter). Our friends have had different cultural experiences and we’ve really liked their APs so again country is a start but personal experience and interests has to have a higher place in the decision making. Who she is, is really going to more important, than what passport she holds and what tongue she speaks… though it does impact her views on how life is and should be. Remember they are young women – and think back on who you were at the same age – for a sanity check. Think if you could do this … leave your home and move to a strange country and culture and live with strangers on a personal level for a year without any bumps in the road. It’s a big thing and can be a great opportunity for success or not. Good luck and enjoy it! We are about to start thinking about our 6th au pair… I hate looking it means I have to say good bye soon to a new friend. But I love meeting new people – all a paradox heh? LOL!
I’m shocked with the opinion of that host mom and reputation of the Brazilian au pairs! Not so!
I’m sure that many Brazilian au pairs will bring great pride to their families and very caring and fun for kids!
I am Brazilian, don’t like parties AT ALL and I like to stay home reading, talking to my family, playing with my little cousins, watching a movie…
I don’t think has much to do with nationality, but the person by its own!
I’ve met many mad Germans girls, and they have a reputation for being neat!!!
The Brazilians are lively, cheerful, fun and full of energy, but that does not mean we are “addicted to nightlife au pairs”!
I vote for Brazilians best au pairs that exist! Were it otherwise, would not exist so many of us are applying … we are the majority and I think we’re also very loved by the families!
I apologize for the arrogance, but I’m very upset with the review! And thanks SOOOO MUCH to all the host moms who have defended us
xoxo!
Are all American people fat? Are all New Yorkers workaholic? Are all men from San Francisco gays?
Some families may have had a bad experience with a brasilian au apir, but we are not all like like!
To be continued…..now! lol
…Some families may have had a bad experience with a brasilian au pair, but we are not all like that.
I´ve known many stereotypes related to American people (I´ve written some above). Do you think any of them is true???
There are so many Au pair girls from Brazil that look up to America and want to learn about a new language and a diferent culture there…I just CAN`T believe that not even one girl is what you´re looking for…..
Spoiled princess? Are you kidding?
We, Brazilian au pairs, are very lively, fun, and yes, we know how to have fun! We do not accept being treated like garbage, it does not make us spoiled?
We, Brazilian, are extremely responsible, we fulfill time, we do not like drugs and irresponsible direction! We don’t pass a teens in rehab.
Most of us are formed in college, work until early and go forr a dream of living a year in the United States to gain fluency in English and return to this great experience.
Because we studied, and we are very loving, we don’t accept being treated badly. That does not make us spoiled!
The vast majority of good host families who had a Brazilian au pair, work with Brazilian forever. As my lovely host family, who had four brazilian au pairs and visits Brazil often.
If we Brazilian believed in all that talk about the Americans, we never cease our wonderful country for a year to go to America! It turns out that we Brazilians are not prejudiced.
This post has great appeal prejudiced, judge and generalize.
Surely this is much the cruel host family with their au pairs, mainly to make a comment like this deplorable.
sorry about my bad english, I’ll improve!
Thanks and good luck!
Oh boy…here are my two cents playing Devil’s advocate somewhat…You can NOT generalize ALL Brazilian APs as “great” APs per se. “We, Brazilian, are extremely responsible, we fulfill time, we do not like drugs and irresponsible direction! We don’t pass a teens in rehab…” Really?? ALL of you are like that? I highly doubt that. Of course, I understand where you are coming “defending” your home country and stuff, but you can’t on the other hand come here and tell there aren’t Brazilian girls who are indeed NOT responsible, and LOVE parties, and like drugs, and end up in rehab. No country, no culture, especially, NO person is perfect, and you are certainly lying to herself and to us, trying to talk us into believe every Brazilian AP is lively, fun and a great AP. Of course, many are, maybe you are one of those, but you’d find BAD seeds everywhere you go. EVEN, in Brazil buddy…
I have to say, my two concerns about Brazilian APs are 1) it’s not a “car culture” and so MOST young brazilian women do not have great driving experience (this can be said for a lot of countries and is also why we don’t consider Thai, Russian, Ukraine, etc) 2)in Brazil it is VERY common for even families of modest means to have domestic help so most Brazilian girls were raised in household where much of the dirty work was done by someone paid to do so. In the US, most middle-class families can’t afford domestic help and so the HPs (and the AP!) need to cook, clean toilets, wash dishes. For many Brazilian APs this is a foreign idea and can lead to some conflict, some however, rise to the challenge easily with a little training.
I don’t care if Brazilian APs party their butts off on the weekend, as long as they are rested and ready for the work day.
Sorry, but you should definitely avoid using this kind of expression: “party butts off”. Besides sounding of bad taste, it also sounds mean, prejudiced and somehow sexist.
But that’s up to you. That’s you and your choice. It is just my piece of advice.
Thank you.
First of all I am Brazilian. And I am not a “party girl”, at least not in the bad concept some people may have when they use this expression. And I feel so sorry for these people who still believe in stereotypes. They are poor people to me. They can be rich of money, but they are poor of spirit. That’s the worst quality a person can have in my opinion. I have always hated any kind of prejudices. That’s how I was raised. That’s the education I got from my family, from life and from my good sense. I am young and of course I like having fun. Just the way I am sure all young people do(Actually having fun, in my opinion, has no age), it does not matter if they are Brazilians, Americans or French people or whatever their nationality is. And by having fun I do not mean acting in a “wrong” manner. I am not for or against people who do so, I just respect people and their choices and most of it, I respect their differences. What I am trying to say is that we are different. Not all people act like that to have fun. I can have fun and keep with me my character and principles at the same time. I do not need to be lecherous to enjoy life and I should definitely not be classified as being so, just because some people have chosen to be. We should not assume we know about a whole population and country from what we read in the newspaper/internet or from what we watch on TV. There are a lot of good things that some means of communication are just not interested in showing us, because they sell what is profitable for them to sell. That’s our decision judging if we are going to buy everything they try to sell us and if we are going to believe that it is the whole and only truth that there is for us to know. We should not generalize people. That’s inhuman, not to say prepotent. I am sorry, but that’s the way I think. We are not machines to be put in a room and classified as the same, as thinking the same and acting the same. We have brains, we have personalities and we have own free will to decide who we want to be and how different we want to be. And I believe there are a lot of girls, all over the world, not just here in my country, Brazil, who are correct and good girls, no matter the wrong view and idea some people may have built of their culture and of them. I am one of these girls. I know who I am and it will not be some (fortunately) few people, who do not know me, who will say who I am just because they have a stereotyped idea that we are all the same. I have always been hard-working, honest and respectful. I have principles and personality. I know how to differ good things from bad things, and I have always chosen the good and healthy ones for my life. But that’s me. And there are a lot of other people who are just like me in my country. We are different, but we carry the same honorable style of life. Most of my friends, who are going to be au pairs too, are always struggling to do their best. And that’s how I see Brazilian good girls. That’s how I see African, Swedish, French, Argentinean, North American, Japanese, Chinese, Chilean, German and all the good girls in the world.
Let’s please stop judging and stereotyping people, shall we? Let’s remember that each human being is unique!
Thank you.
My best regards.
In my opinion, nationalities itself are not important. It does not make a lot of sense to me if German au pairs are picked because people say they are”organized” and “mature”. Or Brazilian or Swedish au pairs get the job cause they are know for being so “loving” and “caring”.
I am not brazilian but I have been there many times because it is a wonderful country. You said that Brazil does not have car culture.. Seriously, do you think that brazilians travel by crocodile? that they just party all the time and live in a jungle… you have a prejudice I invite you to go to Brazil and realize that apart from Argentina and Colombia, is the most developed country in south america, that has big cities and of course big road and CARS, and not automatic ones, what means that Brazilian and south americans DOES drive not like here that cars are like toys!!!!….. and for your information Americans party more than them and with that comment you did you just show how ignorant and egocentric some Americans (NOT ALL OF THEM) can be… Good luck with your prejudices…
Bom Mom– I tried to email you to follow up on your comment, but email bounced back w/ wrong address… cv
“Like it or not, many stereotypes are rooted in truth, including stereotypes about Americans. Yes, of course everyone is different but different countries have different cultures and to ignore the general differences is just being culturally ignorant.”
I definitely agree with you ^^ on that!! Just out of curiosity’s sake, why wouldn’t you pick a French AP from Paris? Because most of them don’t like Americans?
This is more a general Parisian thing, but I study French and hope to live in Paris in future and even my former language assistant (who was originally from Portugal but moved to Paris when she was a child) said that they’re very closed-off and difficult to get to know – by the time they’re 20, they’ve made their friends for life and aren’t really interested in getting to know anyone else. I don’t know how true that is, though.
Well when I was an au pair I made friends with a few girls who were from france and believe it or not they were not snotty or stuck up and actually took the time to get to know me. I am still in contact with them to this day.
I’m not saying that everyone from France or even Paris is like that. I also have some close friends who are French, I’ve spent a lot of time in France and all the people I’ve met have been really welcoming and friendly. I was just pointing out that even from a French perspective, Parisians have that kind of reputation.
And the same could be said for every nationality in this post – obviously all au pairs are different and they’re not all going to conform to the stereotypes.
You deleted my post. I have to assume due to the fact you found it offensive even though it was factual.
[[ Note To Bom Mom : Actually, no. I didn't delete your comment, I 'pended' it to use for its own post. I tried to email you to check whether this would be okay and to ask if you had any more information to share on the issue, but your email address was invalid. So, I put a note in the comments to let you know I was trying to get in touch with your.
A good next step on your part would have been/ would be to get in touch with me, either by email or by a comment.
No need to assume, when all you have to do is check in with an email.
Also, any time a post has more than one link in it, it is caught by the spam catcher, just as this one was. cvh]]
Here is some information on driving in Thailand from Thailand itself:
http://driving.information.in.th/
“Many cars have broken, or no lights at all and public buses like to race one another through steep hills and around dangerous curves, supposedly just to stay awake… It was just a few years ago when it was possible to purchase a driving licence without passing any test whatsoever and a lot of the licensed drivers from that period have failed to gain sufficient experience to drive safely and are still out there…”
It is one of the reasons if you get a Thai au pair, you would be silly to expect her to drive well when she arrived. Here is religion on Poland. 90% are Catholic. 52% attend mass at least once a week.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religion_in_Poland
As I stated in my comment, it is culturally ignorant to not take where an au pair is from into account and if you don’t, you will only end up causing problems for yourself and your au pair.
Brazil is known for its lenient attitudes towards sex. Here are the Brazilian Health minister comments from 3 days ago:
http://www.postchronicle.com/news/health/article_212298087.shtml
Do you feel people shouldn’t take any of that into account when looking at an au pair? Yes, everyone is different. That doesn’t mean there aren’t cultural generalizations that are true or that people should ignore them and think everyone is the same.
I agree with PA AP Mom that extension APs are quite attractive to many families, and definitely be honest if the question of your partner comes up. Some families will be OK with it, and you may find that certain states/cities are more conservative than others, but remember since the feed here is “stereotyping” that every family is unique, and there will be accepting families who are mainly concerned with your relationship with the children. And, many want/need an au pair who’s not just an employee but it is a part of their family! Good luck.
Thank you PA AP mom and MommyMia for answering
I’ll definitely go with the honest answer. I’ve always thought that. I just wonder how many families could decide that I can’t be their AuPair because of that reason. I know I’ll start talking to families soon and it stresses me. I thought I had found the perfect family the 1st time but it wasn’t the family for me. I don’t want to make the same “mistakes”. I’m definitely more aware of the families’ expectations now that I have spent months here. I realized that the 1st match went way too fast. Anyway, I am rambling now. I’m glad I decided to post and ask that question
I would not have a problem with an au pair who is either gay or lesbian. I’ve had au pairs who have had lesbian relationships – I just wanted them to be happy and in a good relationship. (We’ve never had male candidates – as much as it might be easier for The Camel to be cared for by a strong man, either our agency doesn’t have many or most do not have experience with special needs children.)
On the other hand, I would advise you to tread lightly about how much of yourself you reveal to a potentional HF. When The Camel had nurses instead of au pairs (we were living in 3 bedrooms while the rest of the house was gutted), one reacted very strongly to the daughter of our next door neighbors – she didn’t understand how she could have two mommies and was rather vile when she realized what it meant. If it is very important to you that your host family be aware, then ask a leading question about tolerance. Of course, if you really want to be sure that you are completely accepted, then do come out to them.
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