Au Pair Somebody posed this question on a different post, and I’m repositioning it here, along with the responses from the APM community. Please join the conversation!

Well this is my situation and I am so pissed off because it took me by surprise!

My host family decided to move from Colorado to Virginia in road trip. We are suppossed to leave colorado the first week of June. I did not know this as it just happened suddenly as a better job opportunity for my host family.

I have 2 months left to finish my 2 years as an ua pair and I had practically planned my travel months already.

My concern — what makes me angry — is that they not only told me this when I had everything booked, but also they told me that they “hope” I can pay for my own hotel room and have one of the kids with me while we are on our way to Virginia. It is going to be aprox. 5 weeks travelling because they want also to sightsee the national plarks around and have me on duty.

Also, 5 months ago we went on a family trip to Utah for vacation. I did not really work but I helped some with stuff. I had to share my room with one of the boys and pay 30% of the room cost. Was that fair? Can I still complain…? about the flexibility PFFFF hahaha what does that word mean? I think flexibility only works for host families we ap or at leats me are treated like slaves, I am pretty sure that If my host mom could have me working 24/7 she would do it… dont even ask about extra payment.. that is a paralel universe for me

I can not consider rematch because no family will want an au pair for 55 days, I do not know what to do and I do not think is fair to pay for my hotel room when I will vto work, we will not be on family vacactions, I will share room with the kids, I have almost all my flights and hotels for my travel month booked, my flight back home already booked, and I still have a vacation week left to take.

Please how can I wisely deal with my horrible situation?

LuvCheetos:   
I’d call your LCC. They have an obligation to provide you with housing. Presumably, if they have no house and are living in a hotel, they need to provide you with a room.

Dorsi:

I would never consider having the AP pay for any portion of housing unless the trip was truly optional. In 4 years of hosting, I can’t think of a single instance where it would have been fair for them to contribute to the cost — and I have travelled a lot with the APs.

What somebody describes is really unfair. I hope the LCC can help her sort it out, though I would worry that a family that would do that (and hasn’t been so kind, according to your description) would elect to just finish the program early and not worry about you.

HRHM:
So this trip and the UT thing are 2 totally different cases. In the UT trip, it was a vacation week for you, you knew that when you decided to go and I presume they told you before you got to UT that you would need to pay your own way? As far as the HC sharing your room and you getting some money for that, I would assume that that was negotiated as well? I would say you had a choice to say no, I’ll pay for the whole room and have it to myself, or if you want HC to stay with me, we need to split 50/50 (or 66/33 if 2 kids with AP). If these things didn’t happen this way, it was likely due to you not asking for what you needed. I understand the imbalance of power in the relationship, but you can’t expect to get something unless you ask for it, no matter how uncomfortable that may be.

As for the move, I agree that it is pretty lousy to tell you about this move after you’ve made final travel arrangements. Hopefully they really didn’t know about it until it was too late to accomodate your flights. If this is the case, and they can afford it, it would be nice if they helped you changed your flights and tried to cover the cost difference.

If they want you to work during this 5 week trip, they are obligated to provide you with a place to live. Not only do they have to pay for your hotel, but technically, the state department rules require that the Au Pair has her own room. I wouldn’t nit pick this detail normally on vacation, but 5 weeks is a long time to have no privacy. If I were you, I would also get a written schedule in advance since it is very easy to fall into the trap of not being on duty but being expected to help 24/7 because you are there.

Talk to your LCC

TACL:
I agree with you – if they are asking you to work during the move, then they should pay for the hotel room. If they cannot afford to bring you along, then they should make other arrangements (e.g. pay for your flight from Colorado to Virgina). They absolutely cannot ask you to pay for your room and have you share it with a child!

Sit down with them after the kids have gone to bed and negotiate. Don’t whine, calmly explain that you do not have the resources to pay for hotel fees for 5 weeks (it would be an unreasonable request under any circumstance). While I personally would not ask an au pair to share a hotel room with one of my children (and have wedged DH, myself and 2 kids into a tiny room to prove it), I understand that not all HF can afford a separate room when they travel.

Negotiate. If you travel with them from Colorado to Virginia then you understand that you are trapped and do not have down time. You will be pitching in and helping on a daily basis (mainly because you’re trapped in the car with them) and because you’ll be sharing a room with at least one child. In return, you want them to pay for your hotel room and 100% of your meals.

This is a good time to negotiate down time. Obviously your 1 1/2 days off a week go out the window, but be good humored about it. Are there any places between Colorado and Virginia you would be interested in seeing? Now’s the time to put in a request. Is it possible that the kids could have a movie in their room for a couple of hours so you could have some quiet time to yourself, say 1 or 2 nights a week?

I am not telling to put cash into this trip, but to be flexible and adventurous. Also, don’t think of it as a vacation. That you get in your travel month. It’s a family trip.

What else can you offer? Think about your options.

Somebody:

Thanks you very much I called my LCC today as after the talk with my HF they seemed dissapointed that I am not “willing to be flexible” with them. As for the utah trip, well those were they vacactions not mine, while they were hiking at Arches National Park, I was doing kids laundry at the hotel, when I complained about it because I was also paying they told me we were gonna do something I like to do after that, but Gues what?? we got out of time :S …

You do.

Car insurance is one of the many ‘other’ costs that host parents incur when they have an au pair.

Host parents who need the au pair to drive a car as part of his or her work duties obviously pay for the car insurance, just as they pay for the gas and for the tuition at the Music & Me class.

Host parents who offer access to a car as part of the perks of being with the host family (and, frankly, as a way to let an au pair maintain an independent social life) also pay for car insurance.

Offering an au pair the use of a car without her or him being insured to drive it is like offering the au pair a car with only three wheels.

Your au pair can’t drive legally in a car with three wheels and your au pair can’t drive legally in your family car without insurance.

If the Au Pair’s Driving Record Increases Your Costs

The only time it’s appropriate for an au pair to pay for part of the car insurance is if that au pair has had an accident that has caused the insurance premium to rise during that au pair’s year with you. Then, it seems fair that the au pair would pay the incremental additional cost.

For example, if the insurance for the au pair had been $300 and rose to $500 after a fender-bender, it would be fair to have the au pair pay the additional $200.

Because the car insurance premium is one of those ‘other’ costs, it’s usually only something the host parents are aware of. That’s too bad, because the ability to drive a car that is insured is a real perk, and a privilege, that most host parents want their au pairs to appreciate.

Discuss the full costs of your au pair’s driving privileges with your au pair.

When you sit down with your au pair to talk over car rules, driving expectations, and family car managment, this can be a good time to share with your au pair a breakout of the ‘other’ costs involved in having him or her use the car. You might mention the costs of additional insurance, additional wear and tear (which can often be shared in a cost per mile figure), and depreciation in value as the mileage is racked up by late night drives from one Starbucks to another.

You can also use this time to discuss some of the other ‘other’ costs of providing a car for your au pair, including the extra effort it might take to corordinate the schedules of several drivers, what a drag it is when the car is parked in the wrong place, and your general worries about your au pair’s saftey in the car.

The point is not to make the au pair feel guilty about being a burden or costing you money  — so don’t lay it on too think. And, be sure that if you *do* harbor any resentment about these extra costs, you deal with that resentment before you talk with your au pair.

Driving is a privilege. That’s certainly true. But it’s only a privilege when you provide your au pair with a safe, legal, and insured car to drive.

Insuring my au pair on my car insurance increases my premium by ~$300/year. Does the au pair pay or the host family? She will be driving the children as part of her work week but will also have access to use the car for pleasure. What do you think? ~ MGMom

See also:

Auto Insurance: Is your AP on your policy?
Using Your Car is a Privilege, not an Entitlement: Best practices
When your Au Pair has a Fender-Bender — Who pays, and what, and how?
After the Car Accident: Advice on what to talk about with your Au Pair
Want Safe Driving? Forbid your Au Pair to use the cellphone in the car. Period.

Image: What’s The Deductible? ??? Some rights reserved by 1f2frfbf on Flickr

It can be kindof amazing when a former au pair comes back to visit. 

You remember her when, and she remembers you, and now everyone has grown and changed (usually for the better!). Depending on how things were when your au pair departed, and where you are as a family and as a parent, your au pair’s return can be easy, or stressful.

What can you do to make your au pair’s visit great for everyone?

I loved it when one of our au pairs came back for a month-long visit.

She was on her way to a summer job as a camp counselor, and wanted to spend some time in her old stomping ground seeing old friends. We were without an au pair at that point, as so our former au pair just moved back into the au pair room, and nearly picked up where she’d left off two years before.

Her visit was wonderful all around — she had a place to stay and a home base for lots of visiting. She pitched in with a bit of babysitting. (Unpaid, and her effort to repay us for “all the Diet Coke she was drinking”.) Hosting her was also pretty easy– she already knew where things were, how things unfolded, what she could do to help, and more. I was happy to let her use the car, and I honestly didn’t mind when she came in late at night and creaked up to the third floor. The kids loved having her around and were excited to show off all the things they’d learned and all the ways they’d grown up.

That we had no other au pair for her to crowd out, overshadow, or coordinate with, and that we had the space, were part of what made her visit easy. But, truth is, I loved having her company, and I was sad to let her go again.

When we got this email, below, from HerFormerHostMom, I wasn’t able to think of too many expectations I’d want to set. It sounds just like our situation was, which was so smooth that I can’t even imagine any hiccups that I might have had to prepare for. But, I expect it’s not that easy with every returning au pair.

Dear AuPairMom –

Our fantastic au pair left us last summer after her year was up. We loved her and miss her very much. She has just let us know that she has a month off in the summer and was wondering if she could stay with us for a bit.

We are thrilled that we’ll get to see her, but definitely would like some tips on how to set up the visit and manage expectations. She was very responsible and I suspect would not take advantage of us in anyway, but I know that I would like to set up some expectations before the visit starts.

Does anyone have tips for when an au pair comes back to visit?

What advice would you give this mom, as she prepares to have her former au pair visit?

Image: Rachael Some rights reserved by PhotoCo.

Hi AuPairMom,

We are welcoming our first au pair in about 3 weeks, and we are very excited.

Your blog really helped us decide that this was the right type of child care for our family. We need someone with scheduling flexibility, because we have an always-changing, somewhat odd work week.

I have to leave for work at 6:00 am to get to the hospital in time for the start of my shifts. My husband travels a couple days a week for work, so he is often not home overnight and thus not able to take on ‘early morning’ childcare.

It’s been very difficult to finding someone to come to our house in the early morning. It had come to the point where we were begging, bribbing, and hiring less skilled child care providers just to get someone to be in the house before I left for work in the morning.

A big reason for choosing an au pair as a caregiver is the flexibility of having a live-in person. It’s so much easier to be ‘on duty’ in the early morning if you can be ‘on duty’ in your pajamas.

My concern, though, is whether I should wake our au pair up before I leave for work.

In the past, I liked seeing the sitter’s (tired) face before I left for work. I could be sure that someone was there, and I could quickly go over what needed to be done that day.  Now that we will have someone living in our house, I am not sure if I really need to have her awake and ready for the children as early as 5:45 am. Our children (ages 6 and don’t normally get out of bed until 7:15 am, so the only reason for the au pair to be awake that early is for me to confirm that she’s home and that’s she’s up.

I want to be respectful of the au pair’s needs — and I’m not sure she ‘needs’ to be up at 5:45.

But, if I don’t see her in the morning, how do I know she is actually home?

• What if she stayed out all night and hasn’t made it back?
• What if something hast happened to her?
• What if she sleep through her alarm and the kids are late for school?

I know totally irrational thoughts probably, but I have heard a couple horror stories.

       - Should I just have her call/text me when she is awake and ready to start her day about 7:00am?

       - Should I make a curfew so I know she is in the house the night before?

       - Should I just make her get up at the crack of dawn and hope she doesn’t hate me?

I already made sure that our new aupair is a morning person. Of course, I hope I am getting a wonderful, responsible au pair, but I can’t help being a bit cautious before she gets here, and I get to know her better.

I would love to hear how other host moms and dads handle this situation. ~ EarlyBirdMom

Image: UpCycled Felted Wool Bird, by ForMyDarling, available on Etsy

Snowstorms in weird places (like Oregon) and snowstorms in predictable places (like Chicago) have raised the question for many aupair host parents –

Do you allow your au pair to drive in the snow?

Of course, there are a million variables that affect this decision. Here are the ones I came up with off the top of my head:

• Is snow frequent or rare?
  Is the snow deep, light, icy?
  Does your car have 4 wheel drive?
  Is your car a Volvo?
  Is your car already beat up, or rather new?
• Is your au pair a good driver?
  Has s/he got lots of experience driving in snow?
  Is s/he from Sweden, Norway, Finland, Northern Canada?
• Is the specific trip urgent or discretionary?
  Daylight or after dark?
  With children or without?
• Are drivers in your area generally comfortable in snow?
  Do you live on a hill?
  Are your town roads well-plowed?
  Can you avoid hilly or unplowed roads to get to where you want to go?

• Can you afford to lose your (au pair) car to a body shop for a week or two?

As this host parent put it— many many variables! So, how do you decide?

Dear AuPairMom-

Our family has recently moved from a warm weather area to the east coast and we’ve never had to deal with snow before. We just had our first real snowfall of the season and I’ve very hesitant to allow our AP to drive in it. She has experience driving in snow in her home country (probably more than I do!) and says she is not afraid to drive in it.

For those of you living in areas that get snowfall, do you let your au pairs drive in the snow?

I’m in foreign territory here because we’ve never had to think about this before and would love to hear how others handle it.

And does it depend on where she is going or while working or not? What about when it’s not a huge storm, some cars are out on the road, and some roads are likely plowed, but sidestreets and such are icy and temperatures are still below freezing?

I feel that if she doesn’t HAVE to go out, I’d rather not take that risk. But I see it differently depending on the need. Going to the grocery story, taking the kids to school (if  schools were open), or going somewhere a planned important event like a going-away party for another AP, I see as more of a need than her wanting to go to Starbucks or the gym.  

Also, HD and I are doing some minimal driving (nearby errands), but I feel more comfortable with us taking that risk than her. DH has had years more driving experience and frankly, it’s our own car that we’re risking. And I just don’t feel like the headache right now of having to pay for car repairs because our AP felt she needed to drive to Starbucks in the snow. But, I feel like I’m being contradictory or unfair if I say she can’t drive, while DH and I continue to use the cars. Is this at all reasonable?

Some additional background — we love our current AP, who is leaving soon, she’s very responsible & mature and very good natured. Not at all whiny or immature. She rarely asks much of us, but she is pushing a little with this. However, she is very used to having a car at her disposal (we have a very nice 3rd AP car with very few restrictions). I know this is inconveniencing her and she is not thrilled. And, to top it off, my brand new SUV was recently stolen, so we are currently using our AP car and a rental car as our means of transport. We have her on the agreement so she can drive the rental, but again, I just don’t want to take the risks of any more car headaches right now.  

I really want to be reasonable but I am a little confused at the whole situation.

Image: Not Driving Today…. Some rights reserved by subsetsum

Do you think it’s appropriate to ask an au pair to got to your kids’ school and help out at a birthday event there, for someone else’s kids?

Here’s the email that prompts the question:

Dear AuPairMom -

I am mostly satisfied with the family I am working for. We’ve had a few problems but nothing that you don’t expect with living in a new house with new people.

Usually I go along with what is asked of me, but today I agreed to do something that I don’t feel sure about. Agreeing to do it has bugged me ever since, but I am not sure whether it is right of me to question it. Here is the situation:

My normal routine on a Friday is to pick the younger girl up from school at Midday and the older child at 2.45pm. Today, the whole class of the younger child has been invited to a birthday party arranged by the parents of 2 boys who are also in the class. The birthday kids’ parents have arranged a nice lunch at school (usually the kids eat at home on Friday afternoons). After lunch, the birthday kids’ parents will put all the kids on a bus to take them to the party destination.

My HM told me this morning that I should go into the school at 12 and ‘help the kids eat their lunch because there will be lots of children’.

Since both sets of birthday kids’ parents will be there, I’m not sure why they want me to do. The kids eat lunch at school Mon-Thurs it’s not like they are uncomfortable with eating at school. I don’t exactly see what I would be needed to do, short of lifting sandwiches to the children’s mouths!

I always help out at birthday parties of my own host kids, but I distinctly do not recall any other parents sending over their Au Pairs to lend a hand. (We’re in an affluent area with a lot of au pairs.)

I feel a bit frustrated with the situation. Partly, I’m not sure whether I am just frustrated at having to break up my day (which could have been used for something useful). But also, I’m wondering if doing this kind of task is outside of what’s normal to ask of an au pair duties. There have been a few similar situations before, where I’ve ended up standing around awkwardly because there is nothing to do. Still, I’ve been expected to be there.

How can I express this to my HM without sounding rude? I’m not unwilling to do this, but it doesn’t seem completely right. Since the party is today, I’m going to go even though I’d prefer not to. But, I hope to discuss the issue with my host parents later.

I’d appreciate any advice the AuPairMom readers might give. Thanks — ZD

Image: ricracandbuttons on Etsy

How is your holiday going so far?

I don’t know why I’m surprised, yet again, that the ‘vacation’ time is passing too quickly, that I have less time than I’d imagined to ‘get things done’, and that I’ve been more or less effective at not feeling too guilty about what’s not getting done.

Okay, so right now I’m feeling less effective, and more guilty.

When a friend emailed me this photo of a darling ornament from the Etsy shop scratchcraft, it was enough of a prompt to get me to create an open thread. If there’s anything on your mind as a host parent, here’s a chance just to let it out to the community, and open up for some feedback.

Image: “Searching With Heart”. You can buy this little darling from scratchcraft at Etsy

Would you like to share your opinions, insights, and concerns about how employers can support their female employees while these employees pursue their commitment to being great mothers?

My colleague Elise Jones is conducting a study looking at factors that influence whether mothers and prospective mothers take advantage of employer-provided work/life support programs, and what impact those programs have.

Anyone who is or has been in the workplace while pregnant, mothering a child under age 18, or undergoing fertility treatments or seeking adoption is invited to take the online survey at www.bit.ly/worklifemom. Results will be used to develop a set of tools to help employers seeking to support mothers in the workplace.

The survey takes 15-20 minutes to complete. It asks about what work/life supports participants have used and why, the impact of these programs, and perceptions of people who use work/life supports.

All qualifying participants will be entered to win a $25 Amazon.com gift card. The survey will be open through November 23rd. Any questions can be addressed to elise.jones@conncoll.edu.

If you’ve got a little bit of time (we know you have insights) scoot on over and help a working mom out…

here’s the survey: www.bit.ly/worklifemom

We got a request from Annys Shin, writer at the Washington Post, who is looking for host parents in the DC, Maryland or Virginia area whom she could contant for insight about the au pair program.

Here’s her contact info if you’d like to ‘help a reporter out’:

Annys Shin
Staff Writer, Washington Post
ShinA@washpost.com
o. (202) 334-5465

Image: Jack Weir/Wikimedia Commons

Tonight I couldn’t sleep (feeling anxious about not posting on APM!) and so I tried to sneak downstairs so I could read the September issue of Vogue until I felt sleepy.

Alas, no matter how softly I pressed my toes to the stairs, they groaned. They squeaked. They made so much noise that I could hear Daughter #1 turn over in her bed, mildly disturbed.

There was nothing I could do about it.

Just like when our au pairs have come in late-ish at night, doing their best to get to the third floor without awakening anyone (like me, the light sleeper) — No matter how lightly they tiptoe, we hear them.

In our 120 year old house, there is simply no way that someone can walk up or down the steps late at night without making noise.

Just as I was ready to blame myself (or worse, my recent weight gain) for waking up my kid, I remembered:

“It’s the STAIRS, silly.”

It’s not me; it’s The System.

When it’s appropriate, blame The System, not the person. S/he is likely doing her or his best.

This is important to remember when you find yourself getting annoyed by some little thing your au pair does. S/he never puts the beach towels away? Well, is there a specific, appropriate place were they belong? Do beach towels actually fit somewhere in your linen cupboard? Or, do you need to create a real place for them, before you get annoyed at your au pair?

Can’t ever find the keys to the minivan? Do you have a place where everyone is supposed to put them? And,do you use this place yourself?

There is stuff in our house that just doesn’t work right, like the toilet on the third floor that just keeps running unless you giggle the handle. Now, I know to giggle the handle, but apparently no other person in my entire house knows to do this– and so the toilet sometimes runs all day long.

Should I get all irked at them, flash a disapproving stare, and show them once again how to giggle that handle? Or, should I just replace that ball & chain thing inside, or call a plumber?

The point being — when our au pair, or your spouse, or your child, keeps doing something that annoys you, take a moment to think about it.

Ask yourself: “Is it The System? Can I change something in The System that will fix this, once and for all?”

If the answer is “Yes”, then go ahead and get that done.

If the answer is “No” have a glass of wine, and then return to the first question.

Knowing when not to blame the person is so important, because none of us likes to be blamed for things we cannot control. We all need to remember to separate the person and the System, so that we work on the right thing to fix the annoyance.

Remember, too, that blame is something we express emotionally. We may “know” there’s nothing she can do about the squeaking, but still “feel” mad and direct our anger towards our au pair anyway.

That’s just not fair.

Better to learn how to say,

“Damn those creaky stairs. Guess that’s just what happens in a graceful old house.”

That’s what I’ll tell my DH, when I go back up.

Image: Stairs from zetson, on Flickr