Snowstorms in weird places (like Oregon) and snowstorms in predictable places (like Chicago) have raised the question for many aupair host parents –

Do you allow your au pair to drive in the snow?

Of course, there are a million variables that affect this decision. Here are the ones I came up with off the top of my head:

• Is snow frequent or rare?
  Is the snow deep, light, icy?
  Does your car have 4 wheel drive?
  Is your car a Volvo?
  Is your car already beat up, or rather new?
• Is your au pair a good driver?
  Has s/he got lots of experience driving in snow?
  Is s/he from Sweden, Norway, Finland, Northern Canada?
• Is the specific trip urgent or discretionary?
  Daylight or after dark?
  With children or without?
• Are drivers in your area generally comfortable in snow?
  Do you live on a hill?
  Are your town roads well-plowed?
  Can you avoid hilly or unplowed roads to get to where you want to go?

• Can you afford to lose your (au pair) car to a body shop for a week or two?

As this host parent put it— many many variables! So, how do you decide?

Dear AuPairMom-

Our family has recently moved from a warm weather area to the east coast and we’ve never had to deal with snow before. We just had our first real snowfall of the season and I’ve very hesitant to allow our AP to drive in it. She has experience driving in snow in her home country (probably more than I do!) and says she is not afraid to drive in it.

For those of you living in areas that get snowfall, do you let your au pairs drive in the snow?

I’m in foreign territory here because we’ve never had to think about this before and would love to hear how others handle it.

And does it depend on where she is going or while working or not? What about when it’s not a huge storm, some cars are out on the road, and some roads are likely plowed, but sidestreets and such are icy and temperatures are still below freezing?

I feel that if she doesn’t HAVE to go out, I’d rather not take that risk. But I see it differently depending on the need. Going to the grocery story, taking the kids to school (if  schools were open), or going somewhere a planned important event like a going-away party for another AP, I see as more of a need than her wanting to go to Starbucks or the gym.  

Also, HD and I are doing some minimal driving (nearby errands), but I feel more comfortable with us taking that risk than her. DH has had years more driving experience and frankly, it’s our own car that we’re risking. And I just don’t feel like the headache right now of having to pay for car repairs because our AP felt she needed to drive to Starbucks in the snow. But, I feel like I’m being contradictory or unfair if I say she can’t drive, while DH and I continue to use the cars. Is this at all reasonable?

Some additional background — we love our current AP, who is leaving soon, she’s very responsible & mature and very good natured. Not at all whiny or immature. She rarely asks much of us, but she is pushing a little with this. However, she is very used to having a car at her disposal (we have a very nice 3rd AP car with very few restrictions). I know this is inconveniencing her and she is not thrilled. And, to top it off, my brand new SUV was recently stolen, so we are currently using our AP car and a rental car as our means of transport. We have her on the agreement so she can drive the rental, but again, I just don’t want to take the risks of any more car headaches right now.  

I really want to be reasonable but I am a little confused at the whole situation.

Image: Not Driving Today…. Some rights reserved by subsetsum

Do you think it’s appropriate to ask an au pair to got to your kids’ school and help out at a birthday event there, for someone else’s kids?

Here’s the email that prompts the question:

Dear AuPairMom -

I am mostly satisfied with the family I am working for. We’ve had a few problems but nothing that you don’t expect with living in a new house with new people.

Usually I go along with what is asked of me, but today I agreed to do something that I don’t feel sure about. Agreeing to do it has bugged me ever since, but I am not sure whether it is right of me to question it. Here is the situation:

My normal routine on a Friday is to pick the younger girl up from school at Midday and the older child at 2.45pm. Today, the whole class of the younger child has been invited to a birthday party arranged by the parents of 2 boys who are also in the class. The birthday kids’ parents have arranged a nice lunch at school (usually the kids eat at home on Friday afternoons). After lunch, the birthday kids’ parents will put all the kids on a bus to take them to the party destination.

My HM told me this morning that I should go into the school at 12 and ‘help the kids eat their lunch because there will be lots of children’.

Since both sets of birthday kids’ parents will be there, I’m not sure why they want me to do. The kids eat lunch at school Mon-Thurs it’s not like they are uncomfortable with eating at school. I don’t exactly see what I would be needed to do, short of lifting sandwiches to the children’s mouths!

I always help out at birthday parties of my own host kids, but I distinctly do not recall any other parents sending over their Au Pairs to lend a hand. (We’re in an affluent area with a lot of au pairs.)

I feel a bit frustrated with the situation. Partly, I’m not sure whether I am just frustrated at having to break up my day (which could have been used for something useful). But also, I’m wondering if doing this kind of task is outside of what’s normal to ask of an au pair duties. There have been a few similar situations before, where I’ve ended up standing around awkwardly because there is nothing to do. Still, I’ve been expected to be there.

How can I express this to my HM without sounding rude? I’m not unwilling to do this, but it doesn’t seem completely right. Since the party is today, I’m going to go even though I’d prefer not to. But, I hope to discuss the issue with my host parents later.

I’d appreciate any advice the AuPairMom readers might give. Thanks — ZD

Image: ricracandbuttons on Etsy

How is your holiday going so far?

I don’t know why I’m surprised, yet again, that the ‘vacation’ time is passing too quickly, that I have less time than I’d imagined to ‘get things done’, and that I’ve been more or less effective at not feeling too guilty about what’s not getting done.

Okay, so right now I’m feeling less effective, and more guilty.

When a friend emailed me this photo of a darling ornament from the Etsy shop scratchcraft, it was enough of a prompt to get me to create an open thread. If there’s anything on your mind as a host parent, here’s a chance just to let it out to the community, and open up for some feedback.

Image: “Searching With Heart”. You can buy this little darling from scratchcraft at Etsy

Would you like to share your opinions, insights, and concerns about how employers can support their female employees while these employees pursue their commitment to being great mothers?

My colleague Elise Jones is conducting a study looking at factors that influence whether mothers and prospective mothers take advantage of employer-provided work/life support programs, and what impact those programs have.

Anyone who is or has been in the workplace while pregnant, mothering a child under age 18, or undergoing fertility treatments or seeking adoption is invited to take the online survey at www.bit.ly/worklifemom. Results will be used to develop a set of tools to help employers seeking to support mothers in the workplace.

The survey takes 15-20 minutes to complete. It asks about what work/life supports participants have used and why, the impact of these programs, and perceptions of people who use work/life supports.

All qualifying participants will be entered to win a $25 Amazon.com gift card. The survey will be open through November 23rd. Any questions can be addressed to elise.jones@conncoll.edu.

If you’ve got a little bit of time (we know you have insights) scoot on over and help a working mom out…

here’s the survey: www.bit.ly/worklifemom

We got a request from Annys Shin, writer at the Washington Post, who is looking for host parents in the DC, Maryland or Virginia area whom she could contant for insight about the au pair program.

Here’s her contact info if you’d like to ‘help a reporter out’:

Annys Shin
Staff Writer, Washington Post
ShinA@washpost.com
o. (202) 334-5465

Image: Jack Weir/Wikimedia Commons

Tonight I couldn’t sleep (feeling anxious about not posting on APM!) and so I tried to sneak downstairs so I could read the September issue of Vogue until I felt sleepy.

Alas, no matter how softly I pressed my toes to the stairs, they groaned. They squeaked. They made so much noise that I could hear Daughter #1 turn over in her bed, mildly disturbed.

There was nothing I could do about it.

Just like when our au pairs have come in late-ish at night, doing their best to get to the third floor without awakening anyone (like me, the light sleeper) — No matter how lightly they tiptoe, we hear them.

In our 120 year old house, there is simply no way that someone can walk up or down the steps late at night without making noise.

Just as I was ready to blame myself (or worse, my recent weight gain) for waking up my kid, I remembered:

“It’s the STAIRS, silly.”

It’s not me; it’s The System.

When it’s appropriate, blame The System, not the person. S/he is likely doing her or his best.

This is important to remember when you find yourself getting annoyed by some little thing your au pair does. S/he never puts the beach towels away? Well, is there a specific, appropriate place were they belong? Do beach towels actually fit somewhere in your linen cupboard? Or, do you need to create a real place for them, before you get annoyed at your au pair?

Can’t ever find the keys to the minivan? Do you have a place where everyone is supposed to put them? And,do you use this place yourself?

There is stuff in our house that just doesn’t work right, like the toilet on the third floor that just keeps running unless you giggle the handle. Now, I know to giggle the handle, but apparently no other person in my entire house knows to do this– and so the toilet sometimes runs all day long.

Should I get all irked at them, flash a disapproving stare, and show them once again how to giggle that handle? Or, should I just replace that ball & chain thing inside, or call a plumber?

The point being — when our au pair, or your spouse, or your child, keeps doing something that annoys you, take a moment to think about it.

Ask yourself: “Is it The System? Can I change something in The System that will fix this, once and for all?”

If the answer is “Yes”, then go ahead and get that done.

If the answer is “No” have a glass of wine, and then return to the first question.

Knowing when not to blame the person is so important, because none of us likes to be blamed for things we cannot control. We all need to remember to separate the person and the System, so that we work on the right thing to fix the annoyance.

Remember, too, that blame is something we express emotionally. We may “know” there’s nothing she can do about the squeaking, but still “feel” mad and direct our anger towards our au pair anyway.

That’s just not fair.

Better to learn how to say,

“Damn those creaky stairs. Guess that’s just what happens in a graceful old house.”

That’s what I’ll tell my DH, when I go back up.

Image: Stairs from zetson, on Flickr

Our au pairs get an up-close and personal view of our families.

Sometimes they see things we don’t see, maybe even things we don’t want to see for ourselves.

Because au pairs interact with our children when we parents are often not around, and they spend longs days with our kids, they may notice things about our children that might surprise us. Au pairs may see developmental issues, emotional issues, new patterns of behavior, new things learned, new frustrations, and so on.

We hope to hear most of these things in our one-on-one meetings with our au pairs, or at the transitions when they go off duty and we’re back in charge. But what happens when there is an issue about a child that’s hard to bring up? What about when your au pair feels s/he needs to tell you that something more serious might need our attention?

Would you shoot the messenger?

As Kennedy writes:

I’m 22, an American and I Au Pair for a pretty cool family in Germany. I’ve been with them for over 6 months now and I only have 2 months left with them. Things with them have not been perfect but they are nice people and always willing to work with me. They speak almost perfect English and so do the 4 children. Boy 14, Girl 12, Girl 8 and Boy 6. The HF works full-time and the HM works part time but has many activities outside the home.

For the most part the family seems to like me. At the beginning I told them I thought I needed to rematch. Three things were going on:

1. They lied to me about living arrangements.
2. They don’t follow the German Guidelines for how many hours an Au Pair should work and what duties she is suppose to do.  The biggest issue?
3. The youngest child has violent outbursts and has other serious behavior problems.

We worked through the first two issues through compromising and it worked out fine for both of us. But we still have some communication issues.

And as I’m coming to the end of my work here I’ve come to the conclusion that the youngest child might have some type of disability that either they did not tell me about or has not been diagnosed. I’m afraid for him because after 7 months it’s obvious to me his violence is not a phase.

The parents blame me for his outbursts, which I think is unfair because I am often the receiver of the violence. For example-when he does not want to go to Tennis he will throw things around the house. He has bitten me when I kept him from attacking his sister. (I had to tell the parents if he ever bites me again I will have to leave this family the next day.) Plus he has other issues with paying attention in school, speech, ect.

That leads me to wonder if he has some type of undiagnosed disorder that the parents are just ignoring? Their parenting style is to “never use negative re-enforcement to correct bad behavior”. Or maybe he is just crying out for more attention from his parents. I’ve worked with children for many years before becoming an Au Pair. I’ve taken several psychology courses in college and high school but of course this in no way makes me an expert. But I believe something may be wrong.

Personally, I care a lot for this family and I want the little guy to get help if he needs it.

My Question for Mothers and Fathers out there is:

How can I broach such a delicate subject with the parents when we have communication issues? Because I will be leaving soon, I may have a window during which I can tell them, but avoid bearing the brunt of their anger, denial or concerns.

I believe some of these communication blocks happened because they do not value my opinion. I am not as educated as they are. But I’m not stupid. I’ve been in college, traveled and I know children. This boy’s behavior is not normal.

How can I make them see that without them “Shooting the messenger” so to speak?

Any advice would be lovely. I’m really looking to see this situation from a different angle.

If you think that this au pair should discuss their son’s anger with the parents-

• How should she bring it up?
• When should she bring it up?
• What can she do to prepare herself, and her host parents, for the conversation?

Image: awry from onenineteen

Kids and parents want different things. Kids want to stay up, parents want to go to sleep. Kids want to make a mess, parents want that mess cleaned up (eventually). Kids get engaged in fun and learning, while parents must take care of safety, nutrition, and other not-quite-as-fun stuff. We have different sets of priorities.

Kids and parents want different things in an Au Pair.

When we parents choose an au pair, we’re usually looking for an au pair whose talents, skills, and interests will work with our kids’ needs. We also look for an au pair whose personal style will fit with our adult preferences.

Although the au pair is “for” the kids, most of the difficulty in an au pair-host parent relationship comes from host parent-au pair misfit. So it makes sense that we parents would use our own criteria when we look for au pairs, and when we work to shape the au pair’s interactions with us and our kids.

As one host mom writes,

I’m feeling some tension between what my kids want in an au pair, and what I want in an au pair.

Our new AP has a lively, fun, and positive personality. My kids really seem to like her.

While, I’m glad that my kids are happy with her, I’m beginning to feel a struggle. Compared to our previous au pair, this au pair seems like she’ll need more ‘managing’. She’s not getting the basic life-care things done.

For example, when I get home from work the house that needs straightening, the kids aren’t properly dressed and fed (ie., teeth brushed, healthy snacks), etc. That said, the kids are safe and are having a great time with each other. It may be that our au pair is too much fun and not enough keeping things straight.

And, I am starting to resent it when I find myself playing the ‘not fun’ one– directing the kids what to do, picking up after everyone, and feeling grumpy about how things are going.

How can I balance that I need something more in an au pair with the fact that she’s clearly giving the kids all the fun and (basic) care that they want?

Busy Mom has been very busy, thinking about how to make the Au Pair Selection Process better. She wrote a long guest post, complete with several suggested polls. Because her effort was so comprehensive, it was a bit much for one post and one conversation theme. So, I’ve broken it down (and added some things too) to create a series:

Your Family’s Au Pair Selection Process

Posts include: (full list forthcoming as I get them scheduled )

Your Family’s Au Pair Selection Process: Emails and Information before an Interview

Your Au Pair Selection Process: What’s your “Information Style”? (poll)

Now, from BusyMom….

BusyMom’s Au Pair Interview Process

Several posts during the past two weeks made me curious about other families’ selection processes. I thought that it might help our community, and particularly families new to the AP program, to share details about our search processes.

Probably the most important part of our family’s u Pair selection process is the Interview.

My mantra for the interview is “no surprises.”

In the interview, I try to cover everything so the prospective AP knows what she is committing to, and cover some of the most important points multiple times in writing and verbally. Knock on wood. We are on AP 3 and have never rematched. We pretty much used the same process through 6 searches for live-in nannies prior to having an AP and had only 1 who was a complete mismatch for our family.The last 4 nannies came from other parts of the US.

We spend a lot of time in interviews with candidates we like. With our previous, current and next AP, I spent about 2.5 hours in skype or in-person interviews over two sessions. Plus, DH spent 20-30 minutes and the kids collectively spend another 30 minutes – also on skype. That’s a total of 3.5 hours of talk time with our family. And that doesn’t include initial information exchanged via emails prior to the first interview.

We ask tons of questions. We also proactively share a lot of information as I’ve found that most AP’s are either too nervous to ask the tough questions or don’t know the questions to ask (in other words, the questions I would ask if I were interviewing for an AP position). We also verbally cover the highlights of our handbook in advance of sharing it.

Our interview process is a significant time investment, but, compared to the hassle of a rematch situation, it’s trivial. Not every candidate gets the 3.5 hour treatment. In the past 3 searches, we have reached the 2nd interview stage with only 3 candidates and matched with all 3. Only 3 others received the full 1-hour initial interview and those three rejected us.

Length of Interviews

Excluding the candidates that just don’t fit within ten minutes:

Duration of Process

Considering the time between your 1st email exchange to acceptance of match for the au pairs to whom you have extended offers…

VideoConferencing

Prior to the most recent search, I decided that we would not hire anyone we were unable to Skype with. I wonder, though, to what extent this limits our pool and was curious to know how many candidates have access to Skype.

Since I have a bit of an analytical, process-improvement mindset, I’m interesting to learn how the interview processes and timing that our family uses compares to processes of other Host Families. I look forward to your comments.

BusyMom

And a few more questions…

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

When in doubt, use a decision rule.

It can be clumsy, or crude, or sometimes nearly irrelevant, but a decision rule usually helps when we have so many choices.

With choosing au pairs, we often employ decision rules that are good proxies for the information we really want but can’t quite get. For example, we use years of driving experience as a proxy for driving skill, and time spent away from home as a proxy for “won’t get too homesick”.

And, we use country of origin as a proxy for culture, and culture as a proxy for personal behavior.

This works fine, much of the time, to narrow down our choices to what we can manage to consider in more detail. These decision rules get us from 379 available au pairs to 25, and from 25 to 3 that we might phone. Which works.

Although, sometimes it doesn’t.

How many times have we wondered if the right au pair for us was out there, but his or her application never got to us?

Au pairs feel the same way– they want to find their best fit with a host family, and they want to make sure that any good host families consider them. So, it can be hard on au pairs who don’t fit our decision rules and proxies, but actually do — in fact — have the qualities we are looking for.

Case in point? Brazilian Au Pairs.

Dear Au Pair Mom- I am a big fan of your blog, this page and your community is helping a lot to understand the American family mentality before to have my aupair year. Thank you very much!!

I’ll talk a bit about me and after I’ll talk about a doubt that I want a advice if possible.

My name is Marisol, I am from São Paulo, Brazil and I’m 23 years old! Last year I graduated in business administration, but right now i decided to take a year off, and to do something different, and since i already have a lot of experience in working with children and I love them, being an au pair was just a natural decision for me, since it will give me an opportunity to do get to know another culture, explore new country and make new friends! I have worked with two families with four children aged 5-11 and I’m also helping my sister with her son aged 2. Furthermore, I am trilingual (Portuguese, Spanish and English), I have 2 years of experience as a driver (with manual cars by the way) and I am not looking for a specific city to be aupair.

So, my au pair profile is online has 3 months already (at one agency) and I just received 2 contacts until now and sincerely, I can’t understand why, because I think I have a pretty good “curriculum”. But I realized through feedback from host moms in references, by emails, or even during a conversation by skype that families have noticed the large number of Brazilian aupairs, but that they seemed to be so negative. No family speaks directly about this, of course, but the way they say leaves the impression that “we wanted au pair from another country, but the Brazilians aupairs are the majority so we do not have many options”.

Brazil is a huge country with 190 millions of people, on the schools they always motivate the young people to make exchanges outside of Brazil to have a good curriculum on the market in the future (also on the novels on tv they are doing this), and the AuPair Program is the most cheap exchange program too, so of course the demand of Brazilians AuPair will be high.

So, I want know what the host moms think about the high demand (amount??) of Brazilian aupairs actually!?! Is this a problem to the host families when they are looking for a new au pair? I’ll be very grateful for any advice or comments.

When should we parents relax our decision rules to consider other candidates?

When should we put aside stereotypes of one country or another, and look more closely at individuals?