We host parents often find ourselves wishing that our au pairs could just *tell us* when something is bothering them. We can only address things we know about– and if something is wrong and you keep quiet about it, the problem keeps simmering.

This is true with bigger issues (too much texting) and smallish issues (leaving tissues on the counter).  Here’s a situation many of us are familiar with — someone’s watching TV, and someone else thinks that (at 12:30 at night) the TV might be a little too loud.

A Host Mom writes:

Last night, my husband was watching a movies downstairs in the family room. It was 12:30 at night.
My aupair went downstairs and asked him to turn the volume down and he did. But this morning he complained about it to me.

While he was upset at the request, he complied because in his words ‘ she drives my kids to school in the morning and I don’t want her to have an accident and claim that she did not get enough sleep.’

I was asleep at the time and the TV did not bother me. Our bedroom is right next to the 2 story family room. Her room is further away.

I think her request is unreasonable and disrespectful.

What do you think?

Dear Host Mom,

I have completely different perspective on the situation you describe.

I think your au pair should be congratulated for recognizing that she was being bothered by something, recognizing that this could be changed, and courageously going downstairs to talk with your spouse about turning down the volume.

I also think that your spouse should be congratulated. He recognized that the au pair needed her sleep, that she was struggling with getting to sleep, and that there was something that he could do that might make a difference. He also reflected on her situation and was compassionate.

Moreover, he responded in the moment, and waited to do problem-solving or to share negative feedback, until a later time.

Both of their actions sounded like a good attempt to resolve a problem. So, why characterize the Au Pair’s behavior (and hers alone) as “unreasonable” and “disrespectful”?

Let’s look at each piece of the criticism that her request was 1) unreasonable and 2) disrespectful.

Was her request unreasonable?

Considering that it was already past midnight, it makes sense that someone would expect the house to be reasonably quiet. Also, it makes sense that if she was trying to go to sleep, audible noise from the television would be bothersome. So, taking her perspective, it seems very reasonable to me that she would have asked him to turn down the volume.

From his perspective, was her request reasonable? He might think it was not, but then again, how sure is he that the volume of the TV wasn’t too loud?

Few people sitting in front of a television have any idea how well that television can be heard in the rest of the house. Very rarely do we turn on the TV to the volume we like, and then walk to a far bedroom to see if the sound travels. Most people aren’t thinking about it– they’re just thinking about whether the TV is loud enough for *them*.

Most people have no idea how loud their television might seem to other people.

You say that you weren’t awakened by the TV, and that your room is closer to the television room, but your experience is not a fair proxy for your au pair’s experience.

Not only are you two different people with two different sensitivities, the experience of the noise is not necessarily the same. Whether that sound is loud enough to wake the sleeping person is not the same as whether sound is too loud to permit a tired person get to sleep.

Second, the physical distance from one room to another doesn’t always predict how easy it is for sound to travel from one room to another. The distance from the television room to the bedroom is not directly proportional to how much the sound carries or not. A lot of sound transmission has to do with pathways (e.g, hallways, hollow walls, air vents) and their shapes.

Also, understand that a “loud” ( or , audible in another room) television at 10 o’clock at night feels very different from a loud television after midnight. After midnight, there are fewer noises outside and inside to muffle the sound of the television. And, after midnight, the person trying to get sleep is more and more anxious about whether they’ll ever get to sleep and whether they’ll be able to get enough sleep to be to function well the next day.

So, from the perspective of the television watcher, it’s not clear whether the request to turn down the volume was unreasonable or not. You need to do some research on. (More on that later)

Was her request disrespectful?

You didn’t mention any issues with the tone, language or phrasing of her request, so assuming that she asked kindly and without showing anger or annoyance, I’d bet that she did her best to be respectful.

Indeed, she might even have been nervous about making the request, and might have had to muster up some courage to go say something to her boss/host dad that was in any way critical of him.

From your husband’s perspective, though, the sheer fact of her asking him to change his behavior might have seemed disrespectful.

Some parents don’t like to be asked to change their behavior by someone subordinate to them. Some television watchers don’t like to be made aware that their entertainment is impinging on someone else’s experience — it makes them feel bad. I think if I were your spouse, I would’ve been annoyed at being asked to change my behavior because I was probably, finally, just having a chance to relax after a hard day.

Was her request disrespectful? I wouldn’t assume so.

Here are three things I suggest going forward.

1. Conduct the “Can you hear me now?” Test

First, determine empirically what the TV volume limit should be.

One quiet evening, you and your husband should test different volume levels on your television. One of you stays in the TV room while the other stands in the au pair’s room (and other rooms). Vary the volume to find what setting is high enough that it can be heard in the room and what volume setting is low enough that it can no longer be heard. Take note of this and use that as your guideline for watching the television.

Just for the sake of reference, in my house it’s “20″ for reruns of The Matrix and The 300, and “22″ for the Colbert Report.

2. Conduct the “Other Person’s Shoes” Test

If your au pair had been the one with the TV that was too loud for you, how would you have responded? Would you have asked her to turn the TV down?

Would you have been annoyed or kind? Would all of your actions have been respectful and reasonable?

3. What’s the real annoyance?

Talk with your spouse about just what it was that annoyed him, and led him and you to conclude her seemingly reasonable request was “unreasonable and disrespectful”. What manner of request would have seemed more respectful? How could she have phrased things differently to seem more respectful? Once you know that, talk about this with her. You NEED to learn how to make requests of one another and accommodate to reasonable concerns– both ways.

Finally , ask “Is there more to the story, where this is just the final straw after several other annoyances you haven’t articulated?” A good host family-au pair relationship should be resilient enough to handle a situation like this one. It’s shouldn’t piss you off. If if does, you need to examine why. Is your au pair too persnickety, or are you too unyielding? Or both?

Your spouse did the kind thing by responding in the moment to your au pair’s concern. And, he did the right thing by waiting until the light of a new day to hash it out with you. Once you and he come to a deeper understanding of the issue together, then you can strategize about how to discuss this with your au pair AND how to address the real issues at play.

Host Parents and AuPairs- what do you think?

Image: Day OneHundredEight – Television from Edd Sowden

We’ve had some funny and not so funny stories about damage to our homes by au pairs who were clueless (at best), careless (most often) and intentionally destructive (nightmare). Everything from soaked ceilings under the au pair bathroom, to hair dye on the bathroom walls, to nail polish on the fancy sheets.

We have a decent handle on what to expect when an au pair damages a car…. usually we ask the au pair to pay half of all of the damage up to the $509 deductible, and we use insurance to cover the rest. (That’s the ‘official’ policy, anyway).

But damage to our homes is another story.

We don’t have a built-in mechanism like insurance with a deductible, and it doesn’t happen often enough that we have much experience. And, there are many shades of gray–

what’s reasonable ‘wear and tear’, and what’s outright damage?

This host mom writes with her question about damage to the au pair suite. Her au pair is still with them, so they still have time to address the situation. But, they are in rematch (early ending) since the relationship wasn’t going well. Thus, there are all the usual tensions related to frustration, anger, resentment, impending relief, and self-questioning, that have to be factored in before she knows how she wants to respond.

And, dear readers, she’d like advice from you.

Dear AuPairMoms–

I need some advice.   We are new HPs who have ended our relationship with AP after 9 months. We’re one of those newbie HPs who ignored some major red flags in the beginning hoping our AP would turn around, but we just got emotionally drained dealing with AP as she continued to make the same serious mistakes in month 9 as she did in week 4 with our kids. So, we ended the match.

The AP had our in-law suite downstairs, and she really decided to make it her own space. It’s a pretty big room – in suite bathroom, bedroom and den. She covered nearly every square inch of wall space with posters of models, women working out, motivational sayings about weight lose, etc. Our AP is 21, but her room looks like that of a typical 14 year old (as you can see, lack of maturity was a big issue).

As her room became more cluttered, we were tempted to direct her to take down the things on the walls fearing what all of that tape would do to the walls. However, we knew she had some major self-esteem issues, and we had some performance issues that were more pressing that we were in the midst of addressing. Therefore, we decided to leave it alone, and let her carve out her own little space in our home.

As expected, upon taking down the posters in preparation for her departure, she damaged some of our wall space. Of course, the mature thing to do would be to come to us and let us know. But she has yet to say a word although we can clearly see the damage. This is not the first time our AP has damaged something in the house, and hoped that we wouldn’t notice.

What do other HPs do when an au pair has damaged the bedroom?

I’m sure there are APs who have damaged living space during their stay. The first time our AP damaged something she also tried to hide it, and when we found out, we dinged her pay for the repair cost. We will definitely point out the wall damage to her, but is this just the cost of having a non-considerate AP, or do HPs try to ding the cost of paint/repair from the weekly stipend?

At this point, we just want her out of the house, but curious as to how others would handle this situation … Thnx, 3/4HM

[3/4HM -- be sure to read this post: Checkout Task List: Back by popular demand]

See also:

Something’s Missing: Not the GPS, but her sense of Responsibility
When fault is contested, who pays for damage to the car?
Can you guess what prompted this tip?
Your Au Pair’s Room: How much mess can you take?

Imgages:  My Bedroom Some rights reserved by Sweet-Rainbow, Damage  Some rights reserved by Pink Sherbet Photography

Here at AuPairMom we get some very interesting emails from host parents and au pairs facing challenges in their relationships. Sometimes these questions are easy to answer, other times the whole group of us has to band together to come up with useful advice.

Sometimes these emails make me sad — so much struggle, such disappointments.

And then, some emails completely weird me out…. like this one.

Let me just tell you that, in my private reply to this host mom, I used the word “Eeeew” almost two dozen times. There was nothing else I could say.

Thankfully, we can turn to your, dear readers, for some ideas about how this host mom might respond.

Privacy: Yours and Hers

The host mom with the dilemma below is suffering from a violation of her privacy. Thank goodness it wasn’t the most direct kind (e.g., interruptus, reading her journals, eavesdropping) but it was pretty invasive.

This ‘disturbed host mom’ is especially upset because privacy is important to her– she’s gone out of her way to respect her au pair’s privacy, even when the situation itself has pulled back the curtain on the au pair’s private life. And we all feel more upset when we work hard to give our au pairs (or anyone) a certain kind of respect that is not returned in kind.

Dear Au Pair Mom-

We have an au pair that has been with us for about 3 months. We got off to a rocky start, but with lots of communicating about openness and trust, things have greatly improved over the last month.

Our au pair is 19 (20 next month) and has a boyfriend from home. They have been together for 3 years. During the interview process, she denied having a boyfriend. This was good for me, as our previous AP had many emotional issues stemming from the relationship with the boyfriend back home and I did not want to repeat that drama. I am a stay at home mom, and the constant weeping and depression (boyfriend was cheating, etc) was too much to be around all day. So, when the new AP arrived and started talking about her boyfriend, I was NOT happy.

I mentioned this to her, and she kind of shrugged and didnt seem too concerned with being caught in a lie, but I let it go and moved forward.

AP settled in to her new bedroom. She has a lock on her door, as well as her own ensuite bathroom and wi-fi for the laptop we gave her. She Skypes with her boyfriend all night long, after she is through working. In other words, she has plenty of privacy.

I have two small children who still nap during the day. If they are napping and she gets everything picked up and a load of laundry started, she is free to use the computer for a few hours while they nap.

The first boyfriend/computer related issue occured while we were on a family vacation. We took one of the kids to dinner and left the baby with AP. We got back to the condo a bit earlier than planned, to find ourselves locked out. After a few minutes of pounding on the door, she opened it in a robe, with full makeup and hair done. Strange, but whatever.

After walking into the room, I found that baby was sleeping, but his dinner mess had not been cleaned, the bathtub water had not been drained, and his (AND HER) clothes were strewn on the floor. When I saw her undies on the floor and Skype open on her laptop, it was clear what was going on.

Again, I told her that the computer was to be used only when the kids were asleep and everything was cleaned up. She admitted that she had been taking photos for her boyfriend, but again I dropped it, not wanting to know any more. Since then, she has gone around the house (when we are gone) taking “sexy” photos of herself and putting them on Facebook for her boyfriend. I don’t think it occurs to her that I check her page on occasion!

Fast forward to last night:

We got home from a long weekend away, only to find a pile of black hair on my bedroom carpet. Interesting as my family are all blonde.

Then, in my bathtub, several more black hairs! And on Facebook, a picture of her IN MY BATHTUB!

It appears that after enjoying a nice “Soak n Skype”, she tried to clean her hair out of the tub, but dropped it on the floor on her way out (duh).

I am extremely upset with this invasion of my privacy, but is it cause for a rematch? It’s hard on the kids and I don’t need the headache, but I am not sure that I can get over knowing that she is continuing her sexual relationship with her boyfriend in my private space. Please help!

Thanks!!!!!! Disturbed Host Mom

Readers, once you, too, have squealed EEEEwwwwwwww!!!!!, please share your insights.

Image: Gatsby in the Bathtup Some rights reserved by Alicia Nijdam

It will come as no surprise to most au pairs that most of us host parents have high expectations for ourselves that we often can’t meet.

We want to be good drivers, calm parents, regular exercisers, and people who pick up after ourselves. And we are– just not all the time (not most of us, anyway).

There are too many things that I’ve told our au pairs to do, or not to do, based on how I expect I’ll behave.

“Oh sure,” I’ll say, “Go ahead and leave my damp clothes on top of the dryer, if you need to leapfrog me in the laundry. Just let me know.” And then I’m irked when she tells me my damp clothes are on top of the dryer.

“I’ll leave pizza money on the counter,” I’ll shout as I rush to catch the train. Then, I feel guilty when she tells me she spent her own money on pizza, could I please add $15 to her pocket money?

“No, no, you don’t have to clear up my breakfast dishes, I’ll get to them.” And then I’m grumpy when I come home to a full sink.

What is our poor, well-intentioned au pair to do? Count on me to reach my own high standards, or cut me some slack? What else is s/he supposed to do — should she actually do the stuff I’ve said I’d do, but that I didn’t get to?

Sarita has the same question, from the other direction:

I have been an aupair with a French family for one month now, and really enjoy living in France and get along with the children etc. The parents are also quite caring towards me (they constantly worry if I am eating enough!) but the problem that I have at the moment is that they are very messy and don’t clean up after themselves in the kitchen. It is my responsibility to cook for the children each night (the parents eat after the children have gone to bed) and so I of course clean the kitchen and wash the dishes or load them into the dishwasher after cooking, and always leave the kitchen spotless.

However I am not ‘on duty’ in the morning, but when I get up after they have all left for work, or return after language classes when I leave before them, their dirty dishes are all still either on the table or heaped on the kitchen benches, with the dishwasher full of clean dishes. I then of course have to clean up after them, often unloading the dishwasher twice during the day so that their will be room for the dinner dishes. I don’t know if I am being petty or lazy but I honestly wouldn’t mind this if they had just said to me ‘We are rushed in the morning, so if you could clean up that would be great’ but nothing has ever been said… like an unspoken expectation and I am never thanked for doing so.

I guess the reason it bothers me is that during the interview my host mum specifically told me not to worry about being used as a house cleaner and that I would only be taking care of the childrens needs (their clothes, cleaning their rooms etc). Often in addition to breakfast dishes are the dishes from the parent’s meal the night before (saucepans and plates) still sitting on the bench.

Am I being petty and lazy? I feel like I have no choice but to clean up after them since they specifically asked me to leave the kitchen clean after I cook for the children…

any advice you can give me would be fantastic! Thanks so much, Sarita

In this specific situation, how would you advise Sarita?

More generally:

• What happens in your house when you don’t meet your own expectations?
• How do you guide your au pair’s response to the grey area between what you say you’ll do and what you get done?

See also:
Your Au Pair is Not A Maid

Images:
Lola and Dishes from thehoneybunny
DISH ETIQUETTE from passiveaggressivenotes

When my girls were littler, they had lots of adorable cotton dresses. All of these dresses were wash’n wear, which meant that they were okay to wear if clean but wrinkly. To look fabulous, these dresses didn’t need lots of ironing– just 2 minutes with an iron on the collars, hems, and sashes turned them from wrinkly to wow.

Since our au pairs had enough down time while the girls napped or went to Pre-K, ironing the collars on their dresses was a regular part of doing the girls laundry.

None of our au pairs had any problem with the ironing, until one of them did. One particular au pair simply refused to iron at all– no amount of explaining, putting it on the to-do list, asking point blank, etc. seemed to make a difference. It just never got done.

I thought I’d try to get over it … but frankly, it irked me. Just how hard is it to iron a collar and a sash? When the ironing board is always set up in the laundry room?

It’s not like like I was expecting her to compete in an “extreme ironing” event…. (yes, click this link).

Finally, during a weekly meeting when I brought this up (again) our au pair told me the reason behind her refusal. In her country, only the lowliest people in the household did any ironing. It was beneath the au pair to do any ironing. Ironing was something that our housecleaner should do, not the au pair .

Hmmm.

So I turn this question over to you, readers:

- Assuming that an au pair has plenty of time when s/he is on duty but kids don’t need active engagement, and

- Assuming that the ironing is not technically difficult (e.g., lots of ruffles, delicate fabric),

Images:

The Perfect Sewing Room Ironing…from citychiccountrymouse
I got out the ironing board to iron… from Malingering

What’s the difference between an au pair and a maid?

In some host families, not very much.

Some host families expect their au pairs to do basic housework in addition to caring for children. In the US, “housekeeping”is limited to cleaning up the kids rooms (but in my mind, not vacuuming them), keeping the play areas tidy, cleaning up in the kitchen after kids’ meals and the au pair’s meals, and keeping his or her own room clean. In my house, au pairs have also had a daily ‘family chore’ of emptying the dishwasher. And, au pairs are expected to “pitch in” with some limited activities like setting or clearing the table at mealtimes.

In Europe, the expectations are a little broader, with au pairs doing a larger variety of housekeeping tasks, but still having child care as the primary responsibility.

“Light housekeeping” does not mean “Maid Service”

“Light housekeeping”, whether broadly defined in Europe or specific to the kids in the US, is not the same as acting like a maid. While an au pair can be expected to clean up any kid-related mess that’s made while s/he’s on duty, the au pair is not expected to pick up the mess that’s been made in the kids’ rooms during her weekend off. S/he is not expected to wash breakfast dishes from the morning that Dad was on duty.

An au pair is absolutely not responsible for picking up after host parents.

Au pairs (especially tidy au pairs) are vulnerable to abuse when host parents and other adults leave their messes all over the house and expect the au pair to clean up after them. Host parents leave their dishes in the sink, their dirty pots on the stove, crumbs on the counter tops, and ingredients everywhere but on the shelves where they belong. And, they expect the au pair to clean up after them. Host parents often (think that they) get away with this behavior, because the au pair is responsible for leaving the kitchen clean at the end of her or his work day with the kids. The crazy double standard is that while some host parents expect the au pair to leave the kitchen clean at the end of the shift, these same host parents leave behind an absolute mess when the au pair comes on duty.

To me, that kind of host parent behavior is absolutely rude.

I myself am a bit of a kitchen neatnik (which I’m sure you’ve figured out by now). As a neatnik and a person who often works in her home office, I know that I can spend hours tidying the kitchen as a way to avoid revising that journal article. I have a personal rule guideline that I only clean the kitchen once a day, at the end of dinner. So, if I make myself a lunch, I might leave the crumbs on the counter or my pan in the sink. But my au pairs are *forbidden* to clean up after me. I have been very explicit with my au pairs that anything I leave behind during the day is *my* stuff to clean up, not theirs. Similarly, I don’t expect our au pair to fold up my Wall Street Journal and put it in the recycling bin, and I don’t expect her to hang up the dog leash if I’m the one who left it on the floor.

I’ve heard this concern from several au pairs, most recently from “Tired of Tidying”, who writes:

My problem is that…my host parents don’t respect the fact that I clean the house. I have never seen such unorganized people in my whole life! They leave the shopping everywhere, nappies, bottles, bags, plates, cups. They just don’t care.

To be fair, I’m here at their place to give them a hand with the children and “light” housework. But the problem is that my host parents don’t even bother to wash their own cups and plates. Since I’ve been here, I have never seen them washing a single fork! Not to mention the amount of crumbs they leave everywhere.

The same mess happens even when I’m off. A friend of mine advised me not to work, or wash anything in my time off. But….i’ve tried that. And guess what? When Monday comes, we don’t have clean dishes. In the end, it will be my job to clean the kitchen anyway.

I know I was supposed to help with the cleaning, don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to clean up after the children and the pets, but not the parents. I even make their bed, but when I have to take their cups back into the kitchen or when I see they don’t put the bottles to recycle and they just leave them there for me to do, I feel like a slave. I constantly have to clean behind them.

How can I ask my host parents be more tidy,without being rude or making them feel embarrassed? Overall, they are nice, kind people and we get along well. They keep saying that they know an au pair is not a full time nanny or a full time maid, and that they don’t want to take advantage of me, but this is what is happening anyway.

On the surface, it looks like an easy job. I’m supposed to work from 5 to 8 on weekdays and have weekends and the day times free. But on top of my evening schedule, I am working all day, walking their dog, washing the dishes, doing laundry or cleaning other rooms from the house. So it’s almost 3 hours of cleaning, daily!

It’s not my house, really. And I don’t want to be bossy, intrusive or to make the rules. I do really feel like I am the grown up here and I have in charge 2 teenagers. What should I do? if somebody can give me an advice, it would be more than appreciated.

Note: We have already discussed some issues related to housework and what’s appropriate to expect of an au pair. This situation has its own specific twist– the host parents are leaving their messes behind, day in and day out, expecting their au pair to clean up after them. Cleaning the house for 3 hours a week is one thing. Putting away every one of the dishes every one else uses? That’s another thing.

See also:

How much cleaning do you ask your Au Pair to do?
What skills has your Au Pair learned… from You?
How did I become a doormat?

When it comes to bedding for your au pair’s room, there are three criteria that must be met:

The bedding must look clean.
The bedding must smell clean.
There must be enough bedding.

It’s a bonus if the mattress is new, if the bigger bed fits the room, or if the sheets are her or his favorite color. But if the bedding you offer meets these criteria, you’re good.

Still, you might want to do a little bit “more” for your au pair. After all, you want her to sleep well. You want him to feel at home and comfortable. And, within limits, you want to make sure s/he has what s/he likes as well as what s/he needs.

One area where I’d go a bit crazy is with bed pillows

Turns out that, even if your kids are willing to keep using the only extra pillows you had laying around when you switched them to a ‘big kid bed’, adults actually have preferences. Some adults like one kind of pillow over another, and some like to have more then one pillow. Who’d a thunk it?

A few years ago we had a whole bunch of people staying at our house for Christmas, so I went out and bought around eight new bed pillows of different firmness and types. (I had to get a non-feather one for the nephew with allergies.)

After everyone left, I had all these nice pillows, and a new great idea: I would let our new au pair pick from among the pillows the one(s) she liked best.

Much to my surprise, she picked the two oldest, schlumpiest feather pillows. I’d have never chosen those for her– I’d have given her the Martha Stewart ones for side sleepers, because they have a pretty blue border, and I would have given her something she didn’t like quite as well as what she chose for herself.

I have to say, I think she liked choosing her own pillows. In a weird and small way, it was a chance for her to actively make herself at home, and feel comfortable.

See also:
Your Au Pair’s Room: How much mess can you take?
Your Au Pair’s Room: Advice
Privacy and Your Room

The three of us from Sint Smeding
My favourite pillow from Mòni

A host mom writes:

Do we need to get a bigger bed for our next au pair?

Our current au pair has a queen-size bed in her room, which used to be our guest room. We are moving to a larger home in a few months. The new house will have a guest room, and so we want to use this queen bed in the guest room once again.

When we move, our au pair would get a twin bed. It is a comfortable, clean, cosy bed.

Our current au pair doesn’t care about downsizing to a twin bed for a short time. She will be completing her year soon. However, our current au pair is concerned about the bed for the new au pair. She suggested that that I should reconsider giving our next au pair a twin bed.

Our current au pair says that most au pairs have large beds. She worried that our new au pair will feel slighted when she sees the larger beds her friends get to sleep on.

So I’d like to know:

• Is a twin bed really that small? (I’d sleep on one.)
  
• Do most families provide a queen bed for their au pairs?
• Have any other host families faced a similar situation?
• Would other families consider buying a bigger bed for the au pair?

Hi, AuPairMom Readers–

We are a host family in a metropolitan suburb with two young boys. This is our fourth year hosting. Over the years, we have had 3 very successful matches and 2 rematches – a mixed bag. The good matches were very good, and those au pairs continue to visit us, and we are going to Germany in the fall for the wedding of our first au pair.

So, as host parents, we have had success with the program. Our rematches were for reasons unrelated to the problems we are currently having. Both were quite young, very homesick and unable to make friends here – long story.

Our current au pair is 20 years old and from Germany (all of our au pairs have been German). She arrived 4 weeks ago. I work part time outside the home and my husband works full time outside the home.

Our current problem is simple: Our au pair lied about smoking on her application and is drinking, possibly while using our car. During the interview process, we were clear – as we are every year – that smokers need not apply for the job. The agency listed her as a non-smoker and we interviewed her regarding the issue as well.

When she arrived, she reeked of cigarette smoke. The next day, I told her that I can tell that she smokes, and she told me it only on “special occasions” when out with friends, not regularly and that we will never smell it on her. However, every night after work she goes out for a half hour or hour drive and when she comes home, she smells strongly of smoke and so does the car, the bathroom, the laundry room where she leaves her clothes and of course her own room. I again confronted her and she said she would stop, but she has not.

I object not only to the disgusting smell, but also to the fact that she lied.

In addition, we were very clear that she should not drink while in the U.S. and if she is going to do so, to let us know and leave the car home. Today she admitted to me that she drives with her friend – another au pair who is 21 – to get beer regularly, but that only the friend drinks it, not her. K. says that when she wants to drink, she makes sure the friend drives her.

I do not believe for one minute that the au pair drives her friend to get beer and sits around while her friend drinks, not having any. She swears this is true, but since she lied about the smoking, I don’t buy it.

Aside from this, there are other issues with her (such as a 40 minute Skype video conference with her friends when she was supposed to be watching our 4 year old), but there are positives as well. She is an independent, energetic, happy person and the kids like her.

I confronted her this morning and am more or less getting the “silent treatment” right now.

How can I learn to trust her, or determine whether or not she is being truthful?

Am I making too much of this? Any suggestions welcome. Thanks very much. -Greenacres