And speaking of trying to maintain some privacy around ones adult social life,

Here’s an email that has me completely stumped.  How do they stay “host parents” to their au pair, and friends with their friend, and have any separate adult social life?

We really need your ideas here, folks.

Dear Au Pair Mom,

I am in desperate need of advice. First, I want to give you a little background on our Au Pair and our family. I am a 37 year old stay at home mother of four boys, ages 9, 5, 2 and 4 months. My husband works from home and is closely involved in our day to day lives. Our 5 year old son has a severe epilepsy syndrome and requires constant care. Because we have 3 little ones that always need to be watched, we have hired two au pairs to live with us this year. We have a 20 year old au pair from South America who speaks English very well and a 24 year old au pair from Thailand who speaks English moderately well. My issue is with our South American au pair.

She has been absolutely amazing in every way…she loves our kids, is always eager to help out, has the same religious beliefs as we do and is so conscientious in her work.

Yesterday, I dropped her off at the airport because she is taking a long weekend trip to visit her friends. Later that day, one of my husband’s closest friends came over and said he had to talk to us about our Au Pair. Uh oh.

In the past, we had some trouble with a nanny we had for 3 years…found out she was not at all what we thought she was. So my first thought was that our South American Au Pair had done something really horrible…I never would have imagined what he was going to say!

It turns out that, over the past few weeks, he has been giving our au pair a ride to the gym because they both took spinning classes. He had told us before that he just drops her off and they don’t even speak to each other while they are at the gym.

But things between them are more serious than he’d let on….

Yesterday, he told us that every night this week, they had spent all night at the beach together. And, on their last night together, she had told him she loved him. His feelings for her are not as strong, but he does like her. He is single and 27 years old. He didn’t seem to think that either of them had done anything wrong by sneaking off to spend time together…that her personal life is her business. But now that things are more serious, he wanted to let us know.

I am absolutely blown away by this and really don’t know what to do. If we didn’t know her and he had introduced her to us as his girlfriend, we would have been happy for him…concerned that she is so young…but happy…because she is an amazing girl. But this is different.

One of the ways my husband and I make having au pairs in our house work is by having a clearly defined line between them and us. We are very friendly and helpful – I believe that both au pairs are happy with us. But our personal life is ours! So now I’m left wondering how to navigate this.

I can’t help but feel betrayed by both of them…why didn’t they come to us before they started sneaking around our backs? Why did she go after my husband’s best friend? He is our friend, and a grown man….why would he do this?

If I tell them that if she wants to keep her job, they can’t see each other anymore, then I’m the bad guy. But how do we navigate them dating? How can I ask her to go take care of my kids while he is over at our house having dinner with us?

I feel like they have put us in an impossible position.   It totally changes the dynamic.

My husband feels like the damage is already done and maybe everything will be ok if we just let it play out. But I’m angry at both of them and don’t know how to rebuild trust. I wish you could see a picture of our lives…my son has between 8 and 20 seizures a night and is at constant risk for sudden death. We have a very difficult and stressful life. And this is the last thing I need right now.

Thank you for any advice you can give me.

Image: There is no such thing as privacy, on Flickr Some rights reserved by Ben Husmann

What has happened in the last year that’s helped you learn to be a better host parent? Or if not “better”,  just a wee bit wiser?

if you’re like most of us, you’ve felt delighted, relieved, frustrated, annoyed, grateful, and more — all because of your relationship(s) with your au pair(s).

As part of our families and as members of our households, but even more as partners in caring for our children, au pairs see us as we cycle through our worst and our best. And, our relationships with them influence how we experience our children, our parenting, our homes, and our dreams.

Our relationships with our au pairs can be windows into our understanding of ourselves as parents, spouses, family members, friends, and sojourners — if we choose to make them so.

Given that our host parent – au pair relationships influence us anyway, we can get a little extra insight about ourselves by reflecting on how our relationships unfolded over the year. While for so many of us it’s important to set new goals and strive to do better, it also helps to spend a little time understanding what’s already happened so that we might learn from it.

In that spirit, and with personal growth in mind, here are some questions to help you capture some insights from this past year with your au pair(s):

1. What was the most challenging part of your host parent- au pair relationship this year?

2. What caused the single biggest positive energy boost in your au pair relationship?

3. What was the best way that you used your one-on-one time with your au pair this year?

4. What were you able to let go of, and feel okay about letting go of, to improve your host parent – au pair relationship?

5. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally through your relationship with your au pair?

6. At what point(s) did you consciously reassess your expectations of your au pair and of yourself? (How) Did this help?

7. What was the biggest change in your relationship with your au pair over the year?

8. What was an unexpected delight regarding your au pair this year?

9. What was an unexpected challenge for you as a host parent of this particular au pair?

10. How did your experience as a host parent contribute to your relationship with your child/ren?

11. (If you’ve been a host parent before:) How did you put into practice this year your experience as a host parent with previous au pairs?
      (If this is your first time as a host parent:) What was your first surprise about how having an au pair *really* works?

12. What was the best thing that you did for yourself to improve your host parent – au pair relationship?

I hope that you can take a moment or two or three just to think over this one relationship over this one year, and see how you’ve grown as a result of it.  If any of your responses tickle you, or generate some insights you’d like to share, please add them in the comments.

Have a happy and sweet new year.

Image: This sweet owl pillow was made by The Sometime Crafter from a pattern by Badbird. Check out The Sometime Crafter blog for project ideas, patterns and tutorials — especially if you have a crafty au pair.

Two difficult challenges have hit my friends this past month. Last week a friend’s BIL slipped off a ladder, and is now in an intensive care unit coping with serious head trauma. His recovery will be long, difficult and uncertain.

Earlier in the month, a friend’s sister was diagnosed with cancer, for the third time. She has no idea what the specifics will be, but her prognosis is grim.

As it happens, both of these families have live-in childcare. One has an exchange student, the other has an au pair. In both cases, the caregivers have to face a very different physical and emotional situation than they originally signed up for.

When there is a serious and dramatic change in a host family’s situation, both the family and their au pair need to find ways to adjust to the new reality. We’ve already discussed situations like surprise host mom pregnancies, divorce, lost jobs, abrupt moves, and the serious illness of a host child.

All of these changes upset the delicate balance of the au pair and host family’s ‘psychological contract‘. A situation that was perfect for a family (or an au pair) changes on a dime, but we are still locked into our commitment to each other.

We generally assume that, as thoughtful host parents, we can find a way to talk with our au pairs and renegotiate what to expect of each other. But what about when the abrupt change happens to you? What if you, yourself, are having a hard time handling the situation?

How can you even begin to think of helping your au pair — not to mention your kids, your friends, your partner, your family — get adjusted to what’s coming?

Making things more difficult is that when the change happens so abruptly that we are unable to plan ahead or take time to change. We may have so little understanding of what to expect that we might simply be unable to predict, or to plan. Then what?

Both families above are blessed with large and strong networks of friends, and getting lots of help and support.

If we could offer them some suggestions about addressing the situation with their caregiver, what would we recommend?

Share your thoughts, below.

See also:
When Your Au Pair Breaks Your Psychological Contract
Having another baby? How to tell your au pair
When your personal, private challenges affect your Au Pair relationship — emotional challenges of one host parent
How can we prepare our Au Pair for significant disruption? — serious change & challenge for host child

Image: Hopeful Morning from Dead Air

I imagine that every au pair has an idea of what her or his “ideal” host family should be like. The assortment of children, the family’s location, their personality, their basic household rules… all of this factors in.

But how much do you think it matters that the family be “American”-American, rather than German-American or Recently-American?

I admit I haven’t thought much about this before. I know that some host families look for au pairs of certain national origins, often so that the the au pairs can help the parents reinforce a language in addition to English. (Of course, some au pairs avoid this kind of situation because they want to work only in English.)

And, we think about unconventional family arrangements that might affect the au pair’s lifestyle (e.g., divorced parents with two households).

But this family of Eager Parents raised the question– could their own family’s culture be seen as not “American” enough?

Hi AuPairMom,

We are considering getting an au pair, but need advice.

We are from Asia, and have been living in the US for over 10 yrs. We are citizens and can host an AP. However, knowing that it is designated as a cultural exchange, not sure how it would work.

We are a mix of the Asian and American culture and believe that it will be a truly enriching experience, only not in the typical way.

Does anyone have thoughts n the feasibility/success in this situation?

Thanks for your thoughts- Eager Parents

Personally, I think that this family shouldn’t worry, and should focus on communicating their personalities and family values, which in the end are more important (in my mind) to a great au pair relationships.

• What would you advise these parents to consider? What might they add to their family letter & to their interview plans?

• When they choose an au pair, what might they do to make sure their year is a success?

Image: Chinese Family from Haneen Krimly

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could meet a really terrific young person from anther country, discover that you had complementary world views, and THEN go through an official agency to engage him or her as an au pair?

From time to time, we get questions from either parents or potential au pairs about how to go about with “pre-matching”, and I’d love to hear what any of you all have learned about that process.

Please note – let’s talk about pre-matching and then using an Agency to keep things legal and to provide support.

(Save “Can we sneak in an au pair without a program?” for another conversation.)

What’s the best way to pre-match with a family and then find an agency?

Dear Au Pair Mom,

I’m Tiara, a young woman based in Australia who just spent a wonderful creative summer in San Francisco. I’ve been looking at coming back and au pairing seems like an option – I’ve done childcare before as well as lived with host families of all sorts so I think I can adjust well.

I was wondering if it was possible for au pairs to prearrange host family placements.

In my SF stay I spent quite a bit of time with members of alternative families – queer, sex-positive, kinky, poly, and so on. Many of them are recent parents and would appreciate help that was friendly towards their alternative family arrangements. However, because they are not very mainstream they may not be open to registering for an au pair service. Indeed, while looking through au pair sponsor orgs, I’ve noticed that many veer towards the conventional and traditional, and wasn’t sure who would be open to non-conventional families.

I thought that I could get in touch with the families I met in San Francisco, ask if they would be happy with me as an au pair, and then have the sponsor company help organise the paperwork between us. Is that possible?

I understand that many companies do family screenings; would the alternative bent be a huge rejection factor? Alternatively, are there agencies you could suggest that are more alternative-lifestyle-friendly and could place me in an appropriate setting?

Thanks for your advice!

Every host parent has his or her own approach to interacting with their au pair. Our personalities affect some of this, but even more important is who has taken which role in the host parents – au pair relationship.

When adults team up to become parents, homemakers and breadwinners, they divvy up these roles so that most of the important things get covered.

With regard to interacting with the au pair — who is part of the family and also an employee– sometimes one parent manages the ‘family’ part while the other manages the ‘employee’ part.

Or, parents might split up categories of responsibilities, with one parent doing the childcare & home management tasks while the other parent does the phone bills & car management.  Others might take a good cop- bad cop approach and have one parent deliver all the tough news so that the partner with regular direct AP contact can avoid negative blowback, and so on.

In most families with a host dad and a host mom, it is the mom who takes most of the responsibility for interacting with the au pair around kid & home related issues.

Even though this seems like the ‘typical’ gendered split of family work, and thus shouldbe predictable and conventional, this kind of split can make it hard for an au pair to connect strongly with both the host mom and the host dad.

Without things to talk about with the host dad, or projects to do together, it’s hard for them to get to know each other. Add the cross-gender dynamic and some dads’ preferences to be wary of how they connect with younger adult women, there is often a much bigger gap between a (female) au pair and a (male) host dad.

Add to this language challenges, cultural differences and generational differences between how moms and dads are supposed to act (and expected to act by the Au Pair) and you’ve got a complex situation.

Below is an email from July, who writes about challenges with her host dad.

Dear “Mom”,

I’m wondering– Is it typical for HDs to take a back-seat and leave HMs to organise everything au-pair related?

I’ve been with my Host Family for a month now, they live in Vienna, Austria, and I’m originally Irish, but came to them from the UK. Of course, they speak German, but I was originally hired with the Mother’s intentions that I speak English with the children [they don’t understand anything past “please and thank you”, but that’s another issue!!]. I do speak some German myself, I did a year-long course before I arrived for 3 months.

Fortunately, because of the Mother’s work, she speaks very good English, so there hasn’t been an issue there. The problem is the Father speaks no English whatsoever, hence I try so hard to speak German with him. But any time I do, he either calls for his wife to come and “sort what’s wrong”, or mumbles something in a strong dialect that I don’t understand.

Here’s an example of the kind of mix-up this causes:
The day that I arrived, I brought my carry-on bag and handbag inside with me from the car, HM told me I could leave my checked bag in the car for HD to carry up to the apartment later. After dinner, I went to unpack my carry-on, but I wanted to finish all my unpacking, so I waited for HD to take up my case and let me know. I waited until half past eleven that night[!!] before knocking on the door of their “private” living room. HM wasn’t there, only HD. I was so tired after my journey, but I tried my best to ask in German could I please go to the car to fetch my luggage. He didn’t understand anything, but got up from his chair and walked me to the kitchen [maybe he thought I was asking for a drink?], when I saw my case in the hallway. I pointed to it, and said “that’s what I was looking for, thank you”, and he slumped off.

Last week, HM asked me to give “us” my bank details, so HD can arrange my stipend be paid by transfer. She’s a busy woman, so when i caught HD in the kitchen after dinner, I handed him the paper, explained what it was in German, and asked him to come back to me if it was’ missing any info. He had no idea what was going on.

Sometimes he arrives home while one of the two kids are in a tantrum, and doesn’t bother asking me what happened… just goes straight into cuddling the kid who was naughty to the other, instead of the victim. I feel undermined, the victim kid is confused, and the bold kid gets away with hitting the other! grrr

I understand that he works hard to provide for his family, but it’s not fair to ignore me or to make my job harder by ignoring me. Is there anything I can do or say to make him feel more comfortable? I’m a first-time au pair, but there’s been three au pairs in this family before me, but I have no contact with any of them to find out did they have the same experiences with him.

In addition to specific advice and conversation about July’s situation, I’d love your thoughts on this:
What can a (female) au pair do to make a good, comfortable working relationship with a Host Dad?
What can a (female) au pair do to make a good, comfortable ‘part of the amily’  relationship with a Host Dad?

Readers, I must admit that these stories of being screwed by both agency & au pair get me upset. Thank goodness these stories are more rare than the terrific au pair and the perfectly fine au pairs we have little reason to need advice about. We all know that most au pairs, and most agency relationships, are not this bad. Keep this in perspective as we jump in to another bad situation.

Our posts about DeflatedHostMom and the “Match Behind Your Back” dynamic prompted another host mom to add her story. It combines both deceptive agency practices and tensions with one host parent

Here’s the situation:

I am concerned how to handle this. I had an au pair who arrived in my home on March 21st. From the start, the au pair did not hit it off with my husband.

Four days later at our local coordinator meeting, she informed the local coordinator that she had a fear of my husband. She also told me later that day. I tried to assure her we had hosted au pairs prior to her and they are all fine. She (to me and the coordinator) seemed willing to hang in there for sixty days to give it a try.

Now, at the time my husband was not residing in the home, however I told the au pair that he could come back at anytime. He was staying with his brother due to his job being relocated two hours away from our home. He was in and out quite a bit and we all did activities together.

Well, last Thursday out of the blue, I was told her rematch was approved when I never even knew it was being considered. The following Friday evening, the au pair informs me that she is leaving the next day to stay with friends in Nebraska who would allow her to stay there until she could rematch. Luckily, her family has the money to fly her across the states, because she told me they are secret millionaires.

The coordinator also told me about emails my husband had sent the au pair which she felt put her in the middle of our arguments. I pulled his emails from the cell phone website and saw some that discussed when he would be taking the kids to the park, but nothing as the au pair characterized. I asked the au pair about these emails (on text message) and she told me that my husband did not text her anything and she apologized for causing problems in my family.

I was very upset at the au pair for trying to make our family look bad, so that she could be approved for an emergency exit.

I was annoyed at the agency for not even allowing me to address her issues.  I would not have been upset over a rematch, she was a bit of a princess and I really did not want to live with that for a year. I was upset at her leaving so abruptly.

I had just come from four weeks of having no childcare when my last au pair was sent back home due to her anger issues. I just feel thrown under a bus by an agency that I have patronized for three years.

Anyway, I spoke to the au pair agencies directors/coordinators and told them I felt this girl was deceptive, immature, selfish and a liar. I sent the text where she denied my husband had sent any emails to her as proof of her lies.  One of the directors I spoke with actually said maybe the au pair said that because she did not want to hurt my feelings. They are going out of their way to defend this girl so that she can rematch. My husband was livid when I told him that as if he has to defend himself again.

What I need help with is I happened to read her new profile. It’s usually kept hidden from the past host family, but I was able to see it.  Her reason for rematch stated that she was uncomfortable with personal changes wthin our household. Then it goes on to say,

“AP’s Hosts indicate she is caring, responsible, intelligent and consistent and that she bonds easily with young children.”

Neither me or my husband said anything like that! I said

“She was deceptve, immature, selfish and a liar”.

I just rematched with someone myself, based in part on the description of her I got from the agency. To think that the agency will make up blatant falsehoods like that is incredible! I do not think this is right and I want to report them or something. Any suggestions?

DCMETROAUPAIRMOM

Readers, we have two challenges–

1. Let’s help DCmetro with her current issue, and

2. Let’s think about what host parents can do (individually and together) to influence the agencies’ practices.

Ideas?

When there is more than one host parent in the household, it’s important for host parents to present a united front. Parents & Partners need to agree on household rules, behavioral expectations, and childcare preferences, and communicate in agreement to the au pair. When host parents disagree, it is impossible for an au pair to meet each both partners’ conflicting expectations and do his or her job “well”.

Host parents also need to be united in their “host parent approach” to challenges and problems with their au pair. This doesn’t mean that both parents have to act identically– one parent can be the peacemaker, the other can be the problem identifier (aka, “good cop, bad cop”). They just have to agree that the way the other parent is interacting with the au pair is (1) all right with them and (2) delivers the agreed-upon goals.

For example, one host family I know had what I thought at the time was an odd relationship when it came to the au pair. Neither parent particularly liked the au pair, but one of the host parents disliked the au pair so much that this parent refused to manage the au pair or even really interact with the au pair. Although both parents disliked the au pair, they swapped part of their feelings with the other, so that with one parent expressing the total of both their dislike, and the other parent expressing the total of both their patience. This is known in group dynamics as “splitting”, and it makes it easier for groups to handle collective ambivalence. It’s a fairly common dynamic in pairs too.

Perhaps that’s what’s going on with this host parent pair?

We’ve had a bumpy road with our 2nd au pair. She’s been with us 4 1/2 months. 6 weeks ago she stole from us and lied, then stole and lied some more. (“Au pair is stealing little items” post).

HD felt strongly that our responsibility as host parent implied a parental obligation to help AP learn from her mistake. As a manager of many hundreds of people, HD applied his considerable Performance Improvement Plan (PIP) strategies with AP. We had several lengthy discussions with AP. We put in writing the specific events and dates of theft and dishonestly, and provided specific examples of events that raised other concerns about fire safety, bossiness/ugly discipline, withholding information from us, and several other areas where she was not fulfilling her obligations as we expected. We gave concrete requirements, in writing, for improved performance.

I agreed with HD that the “right” thing to do was give her another chance, since we had not honestly made every effort to improve the situation. And AP has made a considerable effort and about half the time she meets the tangible requirements (like providing a daily written report of the children’s day and tidying the kids’ rooms). On the less easily measured requirements (don’t lie, don’t steal, ask questions rather than assume or guess, volunteer information rather than wait for us to ask for it) improvement is less straightforward to demonstrate. As I see it, by choosing to steal and lie, she broke our trust; it is now her responsibility to rebuild our trust in her by providing no reason to doubt her honesty and integrity and commitment to making it work. Her efforts at the intangibles are spotty (and I am admittedly biased).

The problem now is really between us HPs. I have no patience anymore for the little stuff (like leaving the space heater on when going out for the weekend) I would previously have corrected, forgiven and forgotten. I’m all out of good will and benefit of the doubt toward the AP and would rather rematch.

HD does not view rematch as viable option; the choice is this AP or no AP. HD is tired of the drama of the strained relationship between grumpy hostmom and AP, and rematch just perpetuates the drama of living with an AP. He faults my poor attitude toward AP, thinks my attitude undermines APs efforts (which it does), and seems to view her efforts as progress enough to keep her through the end of the contract. Until July, we have no other viable childcare options.

I feel trapped. So, where does an HM go to find a better attitude about an AP that she just doesn’t like anymore?

Here’s what I wrote back to this Host Mom–

“I really feel for you. It’s hard enough to deal with broken trust, and with an au pair you dislike. To have to manage this when you and your partner take different approaches makes it even harder.

IMHO, I don’t think you are giving yourself credit for the spot you are in… it’s not that you don’t “like” this au pair, it’s that you don’t “trust” her. It’s not a personality thing where the issue is ‘taste’, it’s a relationship thing where the issue is whether she and this relationship deserve any more effort from you. You feelings aren’t in any way unreasonable… so don’t feel guilty about having them!

I appreciate that HD might feel more attached to the idea that things are good enough– who’d want to go to all that trouble of a PIP, only to have to acknowledge that it hadn’t worked?

But what really troubles me, honestly, is the sense that you and your partner have this rift between you. Sure, you could rematch or not, suck it up or not, or push back on your au pair to improve her behavior, or not… but no matter what you do, you are left with the experience of that space between you and your spouse.

One thing that we talk about a lot is how having an au pair can make us better parents, since it challenges us to reflect on and be deliberate about “how we parent”. Having an au pair can also help us be better partners, because we have to find ways to be in this together, as a team.

You could let this particular situation go, or you could use it as a chance to learn how to build agreement with your partner. That shared skill could serve you both quite well in the future, since children– and life– will create situations where you may not agree with each other but where you still have to respond as a team. You can build that team now, or not. It’s up to you. But, in my official ‘hey, I’m not a couples’ counselor’, that’s my reaction.”

Host Parents and Partners, please weigh in…

• How might this host mom deal with her own feelings?
• How might she work with her partner so that at least she feels understood?
• How might HD and HM work together?

Life brings us wave after wave of change. To move forward, we have to adapt to changes that happen to us and to changes that we make ourselves. And, as parents, we have to help our families anticipate and adapt to the changes we see coming, and to all the surprises we’re not quite able to anticipate.

Sometimes, we are able to see a change coming, and we’ve already experienced something similar. We have a good idea what we can expect this change to bring to our family. So, we try to explain the impending changes to our children and our au pairs, in the hopes that some advance notice, and some anticipatory suggestions, can help them surf the waves instead of flounder underneath them.

Host parents have written about changes in host family life due to to work schedules, moves to different cities, divorces, surgeries, and even ‘personal issues’. With any and all of these changes, we have to

• Help our au pairs anticipate what to expect, and plan ahead
• Help our au pairs experiment with how to adjust
• Create space for our au pair to adjust
• Respect that adjustments may be difficult for him or her (and may even precipitate a rematch), and
• Help our au pair continue to have a good relationship with our children and our family

TakingAComputerLunch has a big change ahead: The Camel is having some serious surgery. Caring for The Camel will take almost all the host parents’ time and energy, leaving them little for their son, and very little for their au pair. TACL asks: What can we do to prepare our au pair?

Most of you have read about The Camel, as I affectionately refer to my adolescent special needs child (I find that a good sense of humor goes a long way in maintaining my equilibrium).

We have just learned that The Camel will require another invasive surgery. Our AP knows that The Camel will have the surgery, but she has little idea what this means for her as the au pair. Back during the Camel’s first serious surgery, our first AP #1 was brilliant. But the host parent stress in the aftermath of that surgery ultimately brought an end to our host parent- au pair relationship.

Because The Camel cannot advocate for herself in the hospital, DH and I will split her care, so that she is never left alone in hospital. Depending on her recovery, which could go on for weeks, we work tirelessly on her behalf. We will probably end up beyond tired and cranky ourselves. Our typically developing son gave our lifestyle the right metaphor (during a subsequent surgery): “It feels like you are divorced.”

While our AP’s childcare tasks may be easier during this time when The Camel is in hospital. Emotionally and in terms of family relationships, it will also be harder for our au pair. We HP will be stressed out, inattentive, distracted, and exhausted. In addition, extended family will be in and out, and although they might help with child care or housework, it will still be disruptive. And, HD and I have switched off our duties, so the night parent is able to come home and rest, but we also have to focus some of our attention on our typically developing child, who once said, “Just because my sister is in the hospital doesn’t mean I want a play date.”

To complicate matters even more, the surgery will also coincide either with her countdown mode or preparations for extension with us. Our AP has been fantastic to date — so we want to do our best to prepare her and make the experience as positive as it can be, given all the stress.

While I’m sure most of you have not been through what I have described perhaps someone else in your family had a surgery that required juggling an AP schedule and more than her fair share of family stress. So I’m hoping you have some ideas:

How can we prepare our AP for this surgery, and for how it will impact her schedule, family mental health, her responsibilities, and her experiences?

Taking a Computer Lunch

Surfer Girl trying to stand from San Diego Shooter
Surfer Girl  from Dan Zen

Okay, “creeping me out” is clearly an American idiom that I have supplied as a headline, but that phrase seems to capture the dynamic going on for this cautious au pair.

She’s matched with a family, and getting to know them through emails, etc. before she joins the family in a few months. The family seems great– except for the host mom’s sister.

The host mom’s sister has independently emailed the au pair to offer her “the truth” about what the future host mom and dad are really like.

That’s some kind of sisterly support.

The au pair’s email is long, with some interesting details, after the jump, but here’s the bottom line:

What should this au pair do?

• Tell the host mom about the sister’s offer?
• Tell the sister to stop emailing her?
• Find another family?
• Say nothing?
• Some combination of the above?

Dear “au-pair mom”,

Help!As a used-to-be aupair in UK and future-to-be au-pair in America I love reading your blog and opinions of various issues of other moms and au-pairs. It’s interesting and also quite useful as a way that I can learn something about American culture before I actually go to the States and also (hopefully) learn from all of this conversation how I might become a better au-pair for my future host family.

Anyway, this time I come to ask about an advice myself…and it worries me that i have to ask for an advice even before I actually meet my host family personally!

I found my host family in the beginning of the summer and since then we are in regular contact over the emails and Facebook posts. My host mom added me to her Fb in early stages of our pre-match. Since I don´t have anything hide from her, I’ve enjoyed this since it’s useful to share more photos and learn about her and her family via her status posts etc. I was very excited about them (well and still am).

Now I have an issue: two days ago i got a new friend request – from the sister of my soon to be host mom. Of course I accepted; I didn’t really feel like I should decline, and I actually thought it was nice of her (the sister). The sister visits my host family a lot and often helps out with their children, and she will probably help to reach with me until I get comfortable with the children.

After I accepted her as a friend she wrote me a message:

We are all excited for you to come, especially the children. They are sooooo cute. You will fall in love with them, and I am going to be jealous at how much love time you will get with them.

You can ask me any questions about (host mom) and (host dad) privately, here on Facebook. You should know what to expect when you get there. They are a little strange in their own way.

I found it quite weird from her to say that “they are a little strange in their own way” and to tell me to ask her a questions. I really had no idea how she meant it. Was it an honest offer and did she really want to make it easier /useful for me to share some information on them from her point of view? Or did she write it because she wants to share with her sister what I might ask her or write her to “test” me?

Of course I knew i should probably be very careful about it and wouldn´t ask anything! Also I think we all are different and what can seem for one to be an annoying habit, other may hardly notice and it´s always better to find out yourself…..if it was point of view of ex au-pair that would be something different I think.

Also i feel bad myself that she is talking behind her sister’s back and i haven´t even met them yet.

So i just replied with a very tactful message back, that I´m excited about meeting everyone as well and that I already fell in love with the children just from the pictures, etc… At the end of all of it i just dropped:

“ehm…anything specific i should know about X and XX ? Do u want to warn me in front of something? haha:D

(i wrote that “haha” comment on purpose, so it was meant halfly as a joke and halfly for real – if you know what I mean)

Well, today I had another reply:

Well Host Dad can be lazy and Host Mom will yell at him in front of everyone. Host Dad can be rude too but he doesn’t realize when he is being this way so just let him know.   So take  Host Dad with a grain of salt; he can be annoying. You just might have to slap  Host Dad around.

Host Mom will rearrange everything in the dishwasher even though it was fine to begin with. She can make a big deal out of recycling plastic dishes and then pour hot grease down her kitchen drain. Just ask  Host Mom how she wants things done for a while. That way you can learn what she is anal about and what she could care less about.

The walls in their house are thin so you will hear the tv which is right under your bed. I find that if you sleep with the fan on you can’t hear the TV. Other than that I think you will like it there very much.

I honestly don´t get it. Does she really mean this honestly. Does she want me to prepare on things in advance and tell me what they are really like? Is she trying to make me change my mind?

HM told me at the beginning that honesty is everything (which i agree on too). She said she really liked me because i seemed to be really honest and seemed to be like an open book. But now i feel like i should tell her because i don´t want to be dishonest with her. But also i don´t want her to think I’m telling on people.

What should I do?

Should I tell her sister that i appreciate her honesty and her opinions but i don´t want to talk behind HM´s back and rather wait till I find myself all about them?  I don´t think it´s very appropriate to tell me this about her sister and husband. I just want to be a “friend” and get along with everyone and would like all the family members to like me, so i don´t know what i should tell her or how to act.

Now i feel kind of bad and feel like I´m losing my excitement.

I think the sisters’ relationship is very good and that they are very close to each other. Maybe the reason is really a jealousy? I saw HM´s sister commented on one of the baby photos that she feels like she should spend much more time with her sister and help her with the children since the HM did the same for her when her baby was born.

Am I just simply being to paranoid all about this? I tend to be very careful in order to get someone´s trust; life has slapped me in the face several times when I was too gullible to someone and then I was the only one who was hurt because of that.

Please, I´d be very grateful to hear your opinions. Thanx very much in advance:)!

Cautious&Honest

Images:
Kind of a favorite thing?from margolove
One mean pixie from Fiona Bradley
Cerise with her older sister, Akiko from Sweet-Rainb0w