Every host parent has his or her own approach to interacting with their au pair. Our personalities affect some of this, but even more important is who has taken which role in the host parents – au pair relationship.

When adults team up to become parents, homemakers and breadwinners, they divvy up these roles so that most of the important things get covered.

With regard to interacting with the au pair — who is part of the family and also an employee– sometimes one parent manages the ‘family’ part while the other manages the ‘employee’ part.

Or, parents might split up categories of responsibilities, with one parent doing the childcare & home management tasks while the other parent does the phone bills & car management.  Others might take a good cop- bad cop approach and have one parent deliver all the tough news so that the partner with regular direct AP contact can avoid negative blowback, and so on.

In most families with a host dad and a host mom, it is the mom who takes most of the responsibility for interacting with the au pair around kid & home related issues.

Even though this seems like the ‘typical’ gendered split of family work, and thus shouldbe predictable and conventional, this kind of split can make it hard for an au pair to connect strongly with both the host mom and the host dad.

Without things to talk about with the host dad, or projects to do together, it’s hard for them to get to know each other. Add the cross-gender dynamic and some dads’ preferences to be wary of how they connect with younger adult women, there is often a much bigger gap between a (female) au pair and a (male) host dad.

Add to this language challenges, cultural differences and generational differences between how moms and dads are supposed to act (and expected to act by the Au Pair) and you’ve got a complex situation.

Below is an email from July, who writes about challenges with her host dad.

Dear “Mom”,

I’m wondering– Is it typical for HDs to take a back-seat and leave HMs to organise everything au-pair related?

I’ve been with my Host Family for a month now, they live in Vienna, Austria, and I’m originally Irish, but came to them from the UK. Of course, they speak German, but I was originally hired with the Mother’s intentions that I speak English with the children [they don’t understand anything past “please and thank you”, but that’s another issue!!]. I do speak some German myself, I did a year-long course before I arrived for 3 months.

Fortunately, because of the Mother’s work, she speaks very good English, so there hasn’t been an issue there. The problem is the Father speaks no English whatsoever, hence I try so hard to speak German with him. But any time I do, he either calls for his wife to come and “sort what’s wrong”, or mumbles something in a strong dialect that I don’t understand.

Here’s an example of the kind of mix-up this causes:
The day that I arrived, I brought my carry-on bag and handbag inside with me from the car, HM told me I could leave my checked bag in the car for HD to carry up to the apartment later. After dinner, I went to unpack my carry-on, but I wanted to finish all my unpacking, so I waited for HD to take up my case and let me know. I waited until half past eleven that night[!!] before knocking on the door of their “private” living room. HM wasn’t there, only HD. I was so tired after my journey, but I tried my best to ask in German could I please go to the car to fetch my luggage. He didn’t understand anything, but got up from his chair and walked me to the kitchen [maybe he thought I was asking for a drink?], when I saw my case in the hallway. I pointed to it, and said “that’s what I was looking for, thank you”, and he slumped off.

Last week, HM asked me to give “us” my bank details, so HD can arrange my stipend be paid by transfer. She’s a busy woman, so when i caught HD in the kitchen after dinner, I handed him the paper, explained what it was in German, and asked him to come back to me if it was’ missing any info. He had no idea what was going on.

Sometimes he arrives home while one of the two kids are in a tantrum, and doesn’t bother asking me what happened… just goes straight into cuddling the kid who was naughty to the other, instead of the victim. I feel undermined, the victim kid is confused, and the bold kid gets away with hitting the other! grrr

I understand that he works hard to provide for his family, but it’s not fair to ignore me or to make my job harder by ignoring me. Is there anything I can do or say to make him feel more comfortable? I’m a first-time au pair, but there’s been three au pairs in this family before me, but I have no contact with any of them to find out did they have the same experiences with him.

In addition to specific advice and conversation about July’s situation, I’d love your thoughts on this:
What can a (female) au pair do to make a good, comfortable working relationship with a Host Dad?
What can a (female) au pair do to make a good, comfortable ‘part of the amily’  relationship with a Host Dad?

Readers, I must admit that these stories of being screwed by both agency & au pair get me upset. Thank goodness these stories are more rare than the terrific au pair and the perfectly fine au pairs we have little reason to need advice about. We all know that most au pairs, and most agency relationships, are not this bad. Keep this in perspective as we jump in to another bad situation.

Our posts about DeflatedHostMom and the “Match Behind Your Back” dynamic prompted another host mom to add her story. It combines both deceptive agency practices and tensions with one host parent

Here’s the situation:

I am concerned how to handle this. I had an au pair who arrived in my home on March 21st. From the start, the au pair did not hit it off with my husband.

Four days later at our local coordinator meeting, she informed the local coordinator that she had a fear of my husband. She also told me later that day. I tried to assure her we had hosted au pairs prior to her and they are all fine. She (to me and the coordinator) seemed willing to hang in there for sixty days to give it a try.

Now, at the time my husband was not residing in the home, however I told the au pair that he could come back at anytime. He was staying with his brother due to his job being relocated two hours away from our home. He was in and out quite a bit and we all did activities together.

Well, last Thursday out of the blue, I was told her rematch was approved when I never even knew it was being considered. The following Friday evening, the au pair informs me that she is leaving the next day to stay with friends in Nebraska who would allow her to stay there until she could rematch. Luckily, her family has the money to fly her across the states, because she told me they are secret millionaires.

The coordinator also told me about emails my husband had sent the au pair which she felt put her in the middle of our arguments. I pulled his emails from the cell phone website and saw some that discussed when he would be taking the kids to the park, but nothing as the au pair characterized. I asked the au pair about these emails (on text message) and she told me that my husband did not text her anything and she apologized for causing problems in my family.

I was very upset at the au pair for trying to make our family look bad, so that she could be approved for an emergency exit.

I was annoyed at the agency for not even allowing me to address her issues.  I would not have been upset over a rematch, she was a bit of a princess and I really did not want to live with that for a year. I was upset at her leaving so abruptly.

I had just come from four weeks of having no childcare when my last au pair was sent back home due to her anger issues. I just feel thrown under a bus by an agency that I have patronized for three years.

Anyway, I spoke to the au pair agencies directors/coordinators and told them I felt this girl was deceptive, immature, selfish and a liar. I sent the text where she denied my husband had sent any emails to her as proof of her lies.  One of the directors I spoke with actually said maybe the au pair said that because she did not want to hurt my feelings. They are going out of their way to defend this girl so that she can rematch. My husband was livid when I told him that as if he has to defend himself again.

What I need help with is I happened to read her new profile. It’s usually kept hidden from the past host family, but I was able to see it.  Her reason for rematch stated that she was uncomfortable with personal changes wthin our household. Then it goes on to say,

“AP’s Hosts indicate she is caring, responsible, intelligent and consistent and that she bonds easily with young children.”

Neither me or my husband said anything like that! I said

“She was deceptve, immature, selfish and a liar”.

I just rematched with someone myself, based in part on the description of her I got from the agency. To think that the agency will make up blatant falsehoods like that is incredible! I do not think this is right and I want to report them or something. Any suggestions?

DCMETROAUPAIRMOM

Readers, we have two challenges–

1. Let’s help DCmetro with her current issue, and

2. Let’s think about what host parents can do (individually and together) to influence the agencies’ practices.

Ideas?

Dear AuPairMom,

I have organized an au pair to come and help us for a month at the end of June. (This came through a work contact and I have spoken on the phone with the au pair and her mom) .

My problem now is that I need to travel to the UK for work purposes three days after her arrival for 5 days. I feel that this might be awkward for her as I won’t be there.

My husband will around, since he is not working. However, I’m not sure what to do about being gone myself.

Are there protocols about the first week an au pair comes to visit? Or maybe she will be fine without me there?

I’d love to hear what readers suggest….

– Traveling Host Mom

Dear Traveling Host Mom –

Lucky you! You get to have Host Dad do the orienting!

As long as a host parent is with the au pair her first three days and able to orient her to the house and the important tasks, you’re covered.

You and Host Dad can both take part on orienting your au pair during her first three days.  From days 4 through 9, it will have to be up to Host Dad to continue the orientation and also to continue to help you new au pair settle in.

Depending on how you and Host Dad share parenting and housecare responsibilities, it may be easy for him to teach your au pair, or challenging. Either way, it should be fine.

Keep in mind, too, that there is only so much that can get accomplished during “orientation” and during the first two weeks. If your spouse forgets something or doesn’t teach it to your au pair quite the way you want, there is still time to catch up.

And since Host Dad is at home (even part of the time) anyway, he and your Au Pair will need to figure out how to work together…. so why not start now?

I’m wondering if you are concerned that your au pair will be ‘home alone’ with just a Host Dad, and perhaps feel uncomfortable? After all, she won’t know you all very well and she may feel particularly shy or awkward with “the Dad” instead of both “the Mom and the Dad”.

If this is something you’re worried about, consider these ideas:

• Talk with her about it up front– not to change anything, but just to let you know you’re thinking of her
• Call her during the day or using email to keep in touch with her one-on-one. [I always find it tough when I'm away for work to keep connected at home... I usually just want t focus on work and come home with everything as it should be... but in this situation it may be worth the effort to keep in close, frequent contact.]
• Set up a visit from a female neighbor, or another nearby au pair, or anyone who could stop in for a cup of tea. The opportunity to have a conversation with another person in addition to Host Dad might help her get socialized in and not feel too isolated with just the one parent.

I’ll bet that the time will pass by so quickly she’ll barely have time to feel anything other than whoosh!

Readers, other suggestions?
(Me, I’m thinking that being away on a glamorous business, leaving Host Dad to do the initial training, is an *inspired* strategy…. heh heh heh….)

See Also:

Ways to start orienting your New Au Pair: Some advice for the first two days
Advice Wanted: How to set the right tone from Week 1

Photo: Odd Bird by JekInTheBox on Flickr

Readers, Here’s a specific question about choosing the right au pair for a family that has lost their mom through tragedy.

We had one host dad comment on our earlier post about single parents, and I know that there are at least two other host dad-readers who have lost their wives and who have hired au pairs to help with childcare and to offer a little extra warmth to the kids. Likely, there are other readers out there with first hand experience or other close up advice to share.

Here is our email from the host mom & friend wondering whether to suggest an au pair to a newly widowed dad:

Sadly, one of my closest friends recently passed away from breast cancer leaving behind a husband, a 7 year old son and a 3 year old daughter. I’m thinking an au pair MIGHT be a wonderful option for this family as he needs a lot of help with his children since he must continue to work full-time. However, I have the following concerns:

* Availability. Are there au pairs that a strong enough to handle this difficult situation where the family will be grieving the loss of this wonderful person and mother? (My friend needs a stable, sensitive person in the home, not someone that would bring more problems.)

* Perception concerns. Will people think it is creepy that a 40 something man has a 20 something young, un-married woman, living in the house? How does he and the au pair handle inappropriate comments?

* Setting kids up for another loss. Should he be concerned about hiring someone who might only stay one year? My children LOVE our au pair and I know it will be difficult when she leaves. For these children, whose mother has died, would an au pair leaving after one year be just another tough loss for them?

BTW this father is a typical engineer – focused on facts, very organized and does not readily show emotion.

I’m sure there are more questions but these are some of the key ones. I welcome your comments and your advice. Thank you so much. AG

Hi AG,

It is so hard to lose a friend, to cancer or to another tragedy; I am so sorry for your loss. I can appreciate how much it could mean to you, and to your friend’s family, for you to be able to offer them some help with the childcare challenges. I hope we can offer some helpful insights.

Of course there is no filling in the space left by the loss of a mom (or a wife, or friend). And, I agree with you that an au pair may be a very good way to provide both childcare and another consistent adult presence. A great au pair could be a positive force in this family’s situation.

I’m pretty sure that other host parent will agree; there are some au pairs who would be great in this situation. I know that some of our former au pairs would have been able to handle this well, and I know two au pairs who have been in similar situations and handled it well.

The challenge is not just finding an au pair who can handle it but also finding one that can fit well with a family that (regardless of the chance that stress will change what’s ‘normal’ for the famiy) is a good fit in terms of personality.

We’ve talked a little bit on other posts about the perception issues – so look there for ideas to add to what readers will share in the comments.

With regard to the kids and another experience of loss – this strikes me as the hardest issue.

Even if an au pair extends for another year, she or he will eventually go back home. But it is also true that other kinds of caregiving arrangements don’t always last as long as you hope. People leave, they change jobs, etc. A friend of mine just lost her nanny of three years when the nanny died suddenly in her sleep! So there is no guarantee.

When people ask me if it is hard for kids to say goodbye to an au pair, I answer that yes, it can be hard to say goodbye. This is one of the things that host kids get to learn how to do when they have au pairs.

The flip side, the positive side, of this is that host kids learn that there are many different people out there who can come into their lives and create a loving relationship with them, and leave and continue a loving relationship with them. Kids learn that people leave, that this is okay, and that there is a lot of love out there to be shared.

Let’s hear from you readers— what advice can you offer AG?

See Also:

Myths about Au Pairs: Au Pair = “Hottie”
Follow Up: Rude Comments about Au Pairs– How to respond

Photo: Lost-in-Lomo from Joel Bedford on Flickr

Although this blog is not really for au pairs, there are times when other host parents are the best folks to offer advice to an au pair. This particular situation is a tough one, since the problem concerns how the Host Dad treats his son, and how (or even whether) the Host Mom and the au pair can change the situation.

Au Pair Lucy recently wrote with a question about some dynamics with her Host Dad that are turning out to be quite difficult. She’d like our thoughts about what to do.

Hi I’m an au pair in France, currently in my seventh month with the same family. I feel like I got so so lucky with this family and I’m really happy with everything, except with the Host Dad.

I feel like the Host Dad is really really negative towards his eldest son. I cannot handle it anymore. The child has difficulty taking care with his handwriting, and I’m always next to him helping with his homework and reminding him to take care with his handwriting. He has been getting punishments because of this, so I try to make him do his best at all times. One day he had taken so much care with his handwriting and I was so proud, I told him to go show his father, who was playing video games in the room next-door. His father refused to pause the game to look at his son’s work, and what’s more, called him selfish for it, and he came back into the room to me in tears.

I really can’t understand how someone could have decided to have a child, which he did, the children were planned, and treat them like that?

The father has blown up at the child, 8 years old, quite a few times over these past 7 months.

I really feel like, as an au pair, I can’t say that I disagree with how he treats his children. I feel like that is a conversation that would ruin my relationship with the family, whom, apart from him, I absolutely adore! On the other hand I can’t sit back and let him abuse a child emotionally, because I feel like that is what he is doing.

Do you have any advice for me about this situation?

Start with the Host Mom ?

SInce the first thing I’d advise would be to talk with the Host Mom, I wrote Lucy back to aks her if she’d done this already, and what had come of it. Lucy replied:

My Host Mom evidently has spoken about this with the father, because she mentioned to me that he would be making an effort to be less hard on his son.

Which worked for about a month, around Christmas, when all their family was around, but he no longer seems to be making the effort.

And I feel bad for my Host Mom because I’m pretty sure she knows how I view the situation, and I feel like she is trying to please everyone. She doesn’t contradict her husband, then she has to comfort her son and then reassure me that she is not ok with what is going on. It really isn’t fair on her, so I don’t know if I could bring it up with her, I feel like she has enough pressure as it is.

Having an au pair around has usually helped me be a better mom. I’ve wanted to be a good role model, and frankly also not embarrass myself. I have occasionally been aware that having my au pair around has prevented me from acting out my own worst Mom behavior. And, I’ve also been embarrassed to not have acted as warmly towards my kids or my spouse in front of (not to mention away from) my au pair.

But, other than being told that I wasn’t teaching my kids enough about Jesus, I’ve never had to respond to implicit or explicit criticism from an au pair.

So, I wonder what the best way is to:

• Protect the Host Child
• Support the Host Mom and Host Dad in better behavior
• Kindly confront the Host Dad

Parents and au pairs, what should Lucy consider?

Temple of Philae, Dec 2008 – 27 from Ed Yourdon

Green Pencil by Pink Sherbet Photography (D Sharon Pruitt)

Most of the time when I get an email for us at AuPairMom, I do my best to hold back. I usually want to let you all take charge of an issue, so I restrain myself from sharing my opinion first.

But in this case …. well, you can tell from the post title, can’t you?

Here’s the email:

Our au pair moved in with us on Friday. Saturday night my husband invited her to a movie and left me and our child at home.

I told him that it upset me and I thought it was inappropriate for him to take her out and leave me at home. His response was that we are supposed to make her feel like part of the family.

She doesn’t have a license and can’t get around on her own.

I told him that it was unfair for him to expect me to let him take her out and leave me at home and that I was not okay with it.

He thinks I am being ridiculous and feels I shouldn’t have a problem with it and he plans to continue to do it.

If I was the au pair I would know that it is inappropriate but she seemed willing to go along with him with no problems.

I am 7 months pregnant and just want to make sure I am not overreacting and wanted someone else’s opinion on the issue. Thanks!

Mom, you’re right, he’s wrong, and this is a problem.

Let me first mention that probably the only place I disagree with you is in your expectations of your new au pair– if I were her, whether I thought it appropriate or not, I might feel unable to bring it up as an issue. She’s been with you for such a short time, she probably is still trying to figure things out for herself. Who knows, maybe she’s concerned about it or felt awkward too?

You and your spouse need to have a heart-to-heart now -

about how having an au pair (or any other adult participating in your family) should influence the relationship between the two of you, or for that matter between your and your child(ren).

Here are some “absolutes”:

• One host parent’s relationship with an au pair should *never* take precedence over the host parents relationship with each other.
• No au pair should be used as an adult confidant- or friend-substitute in place of the other host parent.
• No host parent should prioritize the au pair (or any other adult) over the other host parent.
• No host parent’s issues with the other host parent should be shared with the au pair.

These are all corollaries of one standard principle of a good marriage:

No one should come between you and your partner.

Your spouse should not take the au pair out without you, especially not to an activity or an event that is remotely like a date. Not even remotely. This decision was clueless at best. And that’s a generous interpretation.

He is insensitive, if not cruel to you, to assume that he can do this in spite of it upsetting you. Who cares whether or not it seems ‘ridiculous’ to him’? No respectful husband or partner would do something that upsets his/her spouse in spite of her explicit request that this not be done.

In the future, your spouse should not invite the au pair to do something even remotely date-like, ever, without your explicit agreement (and the au pair’s agreement). Even taking her to church without you might be inappropriate. It’s not the place, it’s doing it in spite of your objections and discomfort.

[Just to be clear: the issue is not whether or not the HD and AP should do things together, but whether they should do things together if the HM explicitly says she objects. In this case, the HM has clearly expressed her feelings and her concerns, and these are being ignored by the HD.]

Whether your emotions are running high due to pregnancy, or to general concern over having an au pair, or welcoming a second child, is immaterial here.

If this is a small thing, and it turns out you were ‘overreacting’, treat this as an invitation for you and your spouse to have a quiet conversation, outside of the house and away from child and au pair, to talk about how your relationship should be treated and valued.

If this is a symptom of a larger issue, get good counsel now.

Whether it turns out that this is a big thing or a little thing, it is not about having an au pair.

It is about having a strong marriage.

Everything you do now to strengthen your marriage will make any of these other challenges easier to manage.

Other host parents? Forgive me for taking the lead, and chime in, please!

LA: Buds and Blooms Stand Down from cobalt123 on Flickr

“Our Au Pair tells us that she is ‘uncomfortable’.” … but what does this really mean?

Host parents, can you help with this request for advice?

This is our first aupair…(well our very first decided she couldnt handle it and went home after 1 month). She is 22 years old from Colombia and has been with us for 5 months….I have 2 kids ages 4 and 6. Both my husband and I work full time.

Our AP says she loves my kids and they do love her. She likes me, but does not like my husband (her HD).

She is a good aupair, but not a GREAT aupair. I say this because:

• Although her profile stated she cooks…she NEVER cooks..doesnt even know how to bake a simple box of brownies.
• She is not very organized.
• She is almost always late. I many times have to knock on her door in the a.m. because I am waiting for her to get up so i can leave for work. Sometimes she even says “I have 3 more minutes!”
• She has wrecked my car 3 times (within the first 90 days). I took away her personal driving priviledges and charged her my deductible.
• She claims that all of the aupairs have had accidents and it is normal and not that big of a deal…(well tell that to my insurance co that just doubled my premium to keep her on the policy)

I think it is a personality mismatch between my husband and her. He tries to talk to her, she gives one word answers and hides in her room. Then she complains that he never talks to her. She thinks he doesnt like her but just says it is because some days he is nice and some days he isnt.

She has visited other aupairs in their host family homes and now is comparing the relationships and the situations.

Here’s an example: Once HD asked her if she wanted a hamburger on the grill. She said yes, and so he threw one on the grill for her. While it was cooking, she took off in the car to go run some errands. He thought that was very rude..thus…he stopped cooking for her.

Now, she thinks he is rude because he doesnt include her. The story goes on and on…

She has been with us for 5 months, and now 2 days ago she sat down with us and said she is depressed and unhappy because of this relationship. She is very “uncomfortable”. HD assured her he does like her but that it needs to be a give and take. He explained that we would like her to act like a member of our family if she wants to be treated like one, and not do things like go hide in your room with the door closed at night, etc.

Needless to say…the situation is now uncomfortable for all of us. We left the ball in her court about what to do, because again…the kids like her and she does a good job with them so I really don’t want to force a rematch. And, the thought of starting over again makes me nauseous.

However, I just can’t imagine this situation resolving….if 2 personalities collide…can you really change that? Any suggestions?

“I’m not comfortable either” Mom

Dear INCE Mom,

I think I can predict what APM readers will recommend… and that is that you rematch. The list of annoyances suggest that your AP isn’t showing much of a sense of responsibility in general, and the rest of the story suggests that she isn’t taking responsibility for her part in creating a happy family relationship.

Without her taking responsibility, there won’t be a change in the relationship. You’ll just have another 7 months of annoyance and disappointment– if nothing else comes to a head.

Yes, it is a drag to rematch, but the outcome is rarely worse than what you’ve already got, and most of the time is better.

Research shows that people overestimate the amount of pain caused by a single major operation (like rematch) and underestimate the accumulated amount of pain caused by a grinding, relentless annoyance. Ultimately, both situations are crummy.

That’s my $.02…. Let’s hear it from you Host Parents… Can this relationship be saved?

Annoyed or Sleepy? by Doug Mc G on Flickr
Randy Annoyed, by muquelb on Flickr

Okay Host Dads, it being June and all, here’s a little info treat about– you guessed it– being a dad. Maybe the rest of us moms need to read it too so that we can be more sympathetic.

The Daddy Brain

Moms aren’t the only ones whose bodies change after having a baby. Jeremy Adam Smith reveals the new science of fatherhood.

"… The new science of fatherhood has started to cast Gopal’s dilemma in a new light. In researching my new book, The Daddy Shift, I read every word I could find in peer-reviewed scholarly journals about caregiving fathers, breadwinning moms, and the science of sexual difference. I also interviewed dozens of parents like Gopal and Martha.

Here’s what I discovered: Where once it was thought that the minds and bodies of men were hardly affected by fatherhood, today scientists are discovering that fatherhood changes men down to the cellular level. For more than a century, it was assumed that mothers, not fathers, were solely responsible for the care, life chances, and happiness of children. In recent years, however, we have discovered that father involvement is essential to a child’s well being, and that dads provide unique kinds of care and play that mothers often do not.

As a result, scientists and parents alike are developing a radical new conception of fatherhood, one whose role is not limited to contributing sperm and making money. This should be a comfort to us all during a time of economic catastrophe, when 80 percent of people being laid off are men and tens of thousands of fathers are being thrown into new roles at home. Women have been supporting families for decades, taking on breadwinning roles that were once considered impossible. And after 30 years of research and growing male participation at home, we are now also beginning to understand that fathers can also take on roles as caregivers."

Click here for the rest of the article.  (From the Greater Good magazine.)

Although many of us moms are completely nonplussed by the idea that – gasp- men can be caregivers! the rest of the article is pretty intriguing.  I just hope that, despite the argument that "dads provide unique kinds of care and play that mothers often do not", which may be true, the book is sensitive to situations of families and children that don’t have dads, like single parent moms and two-mom families.

See also:  The Daddy Identity Crisis, by Lisa Belkin, an interview in the NYT.

Thoughts moms? Dads?

Here’s the first in an occasional series about Ways to be a Great Host Parent .

Sorry Tolstoy.

Whether happy or not so happy, not every host family is the same.  We host families like to revel in our uniqueness and we like to think that, for the lucky au pair, our family is just the right one. But there are some ways in which all families are the same– all good host families, that is.

Every good host family is lead by one, if not two, Great Host Parents.

What does it take to be a Great Host Parent?

I’ve been keeping a running list of what it takes to be a Great Host Parent. I’ve summarized a few of these things, below, from the perspective of a Host Mom. For Host Dads, your mileage may or may not vary — and if you think there are ways that it’s different for a host dad, please weigh in with your comments.

Not every Great Host Parent has each and every one of these qualities– and why should she? We each can be our own unique combination of basic good qualities and eccentric elements of personal flair. But, I’ll be that you’ll recognize your Host Parent Greatness in one or more of these …

1. Respect Your Own Needs.

A Great Host parent is an emotionally healthy adult who knows what she needs, respects what she needs, and makes sure she gets what she needs. You’ve probably heard this before in a more colloquial way, in the phrase "If Momma’s not happy, ain’t nobody happy." And it’s true.

That’s why you shouldn’t feel guilty about putting yourself, and your relationship with your kids and your partner, above the preferences of your au pair. If your au pair wants something that doesn’t work for you, your partner, or your kids, don’t do it. For example, if she wants to go to a dance class every Thursday at 4:30, but the kids come home at 3:00 and you work at home on Thursdays until 5:30, don’t say yes. Sure, you could stop work early, or try to work while the kids need snacks and a chauffeur, but is that really the best thing for you to do?

Even though you want to do well by your au pair, and respect her needs, remember that she is there to help your family. This doesn’t not mean that you should abuse your au pair, take advantage of her or ignore her needs. It does mean, however, that you should make sure your (reasonable) needs are met.

2. Remember that you don’t need to be the "perfect" mom, dad, or parent.

Sometimes we can feel pressure to be a great role model or to act like the perfect parent. This is especially true if one of your teaching methods is to ask you au pair to follow your lead. But it puts way too much pressure on you to expect to be perfect, and trying to be perfect (or at least not obviously flawed) can get in the way of you feeling comfortable and feeling authentic. It can also get in the way of your learning, if you (like many) learn from your mistakes.

It is okay to ask your au pair never to shout at your kids, even if you raise your voice at them occasionally yourself. You can expect your au pair to follow a specific set of rules that you can’t always hold to yourself. You’re allowed to do this, in part, becuase you have a much larger set of things to be responsible for. You know that if you didn’t have to go pay the bills, clean up the laundry room, supervise violin practice, drop the car off to be repaired, call your mother-in-law, find the Scholastic Book Club form, and buy snacks for tomorrow’s school celebration all while you’re thinking about the marketing plan due on Thursday, you’d have the energy and patience to keep your cool all the time.

But also, watching someone make a mistake, recognize her mistake and then fix it can be a great way to learn. It may not be so bad to have my au pair see me speak sharply to my daughter, and then apologize to my daughter, because this may model how one might recover when one doesn’t meet ones own standards. …

3. Don’t skim all the cream for yourself.

Find a balance between the fun stuff and the hard stuff of caring for your kids, and share both with your au pair.

Some parts of caring for children are particularly fun, like snuggling them awake in the morning, picking out their cute clothes, playing with them, taking them out for pizza or to the movies, and doing craft projects. Other parts of childcare are less fun, like doing laundry, cleaning up after breakfast, cleaning the playroom, cleaning the back seat of the car (a pattern here?), and waiting outside in the cold at the bus stop. Split these jobs with your au pair in a fair way. Neither you nor your au pair should do all of the crappy stuff, and neither you nor your au pair should do all of the fun, sweet stuff.

So that ‘s the first 3. I have at least 218 more on my list… how about on your list?

Here’s an invitation for everyone– Moms, Dads, LCCs and Au Pairs (even host kids!): What are some ways that someone can be a great Host Parent? Add to the comments, below…

Close behind the myth that every Au Pair is a "Hottie" is the myth that au pairs are out to steal your Host Dad.

I guess this is one of those where the exceptions are so salient that you end up believing that it happens a lot. I haven’t ever met a host mom or heard of a host mom in my cluster where this actually happened…but there are always stories. And if the stories aren’t about the au pair running off with the host dad, they’re about the au pair and the host dad getting somehow ‘involved’.

I can understand the fantasy and the fear, but –nothing against most host dads — they aren’t as a group the most compelling possibility for a girl who wants to snag an American husband. Were I out to snag an American husband, I’d pick one (1) without kids and (2) without a wife. But that’s me.

So it this something host moms really worry about, or is it just another salacious myth?

I blame Jude Law. And Robin Williams.

Even if it is a myth, there is no reason why you should choose to match with an obvious Ameri-golddigger. I think it’s okay to take a pass on applications from potential au pairs who send photos of themselves in bikinis. But screening out problems is harder than we’d think, since girls who might cause problems probably don’t advertise that on their applications.

It’s also okay to take a pass on the application of a potential au pair who is just too pretty or too hot. You don’t need to make yourself or your husband uncomfortable by choosing an au pair who will draw attention to her face, her figure or her availability.

As one mom commented on an earlier post:
Honestly, before we consider interviewing an au pair, I make sure she is not my husband’s “type”. My husband asked me for that, to avoid being uncomfortable in his own house. Truth is, males are attracted to young pretty women. Civilized married males will do nothing about it, but we have to make sure that we will be comfortable with a potential au pair in all aspects.

Why is this myth so potent?

I believe that one of the reasons this myth is potent is because it’s very awkward to recognize for yourself or to discuss with your spouse or partner the way that having a young adult woman living with your family can make everyone more aware of sex as a concept.

Some families may feel uncomfortable knowing that their au pair is out socializing with men who may take advantage of them, or (okay let me just say it) out having sex with a guy or guys. This is one reason why families (like ours) have rules about no overnight male guests. Who wants to explain that to an 8 year old? Bad enough she wants to read the Twilight series!

For other families, having a young adult woman who knows /thinks about sex may make it a little uncomfortable to continue with your pre-au pair romantic rituals without some conscious or unconscious adjustment. What kids don’t see/hear, young adults wonder about.

[[Note: How Host Dads behave is a topic for another time. Yes, we've heard those stories too....]]

What are your thoughts, host moms? And host dads?

Tawny Owl babies by Keith Marshall.