I ran into one of my friends while shopping at Williams-Sonoma this afternoon. I was supposed to be getting a Christmas gift for my BIL, but instead my arms were loaded with stuff to upgrade my own kitchen. What can I say? I really needed some pinecone place card holders… But I digress.

My friend was buying a fancy cookie press. Was she planning a cookie exchange, or a big Channukuh party?

Nope. She was getting the cookie press for her au pair.

Her German au pair has been baking up a storm, getting into the Christmas spirit, and pushing my friend’s pantry to the limit. The au pair mentioned, ever so casually, that a decent cookie 0press could make all the difference between yummy cookies and ‘yummy & beautiful’ cookies.

“Do you think she’ll like the gift,” I asked?

“Well, I’m not exactly sure it counts as a gift,” L. replied. “I admit it, I want her to be happy. And if baking cookies makes her happy, doesn’t it end up being a gift for me?”

Image: These pretty cookies were made by Sara at CaffeIna. Check out her blog, which is all about baking with kids (not as ingredients. As co-bakers.)

What will your au pair be doing this Christmas day?

If you have asked your au pair to be on duty and work during part of Christmas Eve & Christmas day, how did you present this plan to him or her?

Did you discuss it during matching, or months ago, or just this month as the holiday has gotten closer?

How did your au pair respond when you scheduled him or her for Christmas hours?

Did s/he not mind at all, feel relieved that s/he’d have something to do, or feel disappointed? Or something else?

What advice would you give to a first time host parent, for managing Christmas and an au pair’s work schedule?

Image: Bottle Brush Trees by Liz for sale on Etsy

If an au pair could make just one thing for a family who celebrates Christmas, I’d suggest something I call Ornaments of Rememberment.

Ornaments of Rememberment are ornaments that are pretty on their own, but that also have some special memory attached. Maybe it’s the ticket stub from the performance of The Nutcracker that you all attended, decoupaged on the back. Or, it’s little messages from the kids or the au pair, written on the back.

One thing I’ve seen and loved is a 12 Days of Christmas set, each ornament with a word describing the delightful traits of the host kids. Or, a whole memory!!

For example, “Celebrate Ciara’s Creativity — everything she makes is special.” or “Liam is so funny, just thinking about him making jokes makes us laugh.”

The idea here is that both the physical item and the written observation are treasures to a host parent, and eventually to the host kid being described.

I am in love with this little creature, a Holiday Owl Ornament, from Etsy, NatesMommyMadeIt

I’m so impressed that there are still 19, 22, or 29 shopping days left (depending on the holiday you celebrate), but many of you are already getting organized!

Right about when I posted the call for general gift ideas, we received this email from Au Pair MMC.

Her gift-giving situation adds four challenges–

• She needs a gift for an extended family member who lives with the host family.
• She needs suggestions for exchanging gifts with a family that is rather formal.
• She wonders what to get the household help (if anything?). And,
• Her family might have high expectations….

Hmmmm.

Here’s MMC’s email– what ideas can we offer her?

I’m very confused and over-whelmed right now, trying to figure out what gifts to give to the adults in my host family household. In this family’s culture, I’m tiptoeing on the fine line between employee and family member. That’s generally difficult in a country and culture that has a very strict division between the two, as this culture does.

Christmas is coming around soon, and I have no idea what is appropriate or expected of me for gift giving. Of course, I want to get presents for my boys, but I have always felt awkward about buying presents for married or attached men i.e. my host dad. I feel very inexperienced in manners and etiquette in this area.

Also, my host-mom’s brother also lives with us. He’s near my age, and we watch soccer and drink beer together and similar casual activities. I don’t know if I’m expected to get him a present also if I get one for everyone else. We also have household help that I’m very friendly with, but I don’t know if I’m expected to also get something for them.

My family is very kind, but they are a German-Dutch blended family. The German part is a little more formal, but my host dad is Dutch and is more casual. I don’t want to do anything untoward, but I’d like to get everyone presents.

Another problem is my host-family really has a lot of money, and it seems like they have everything they need. I want to get them presents they will enjoy, but I feel like nothing I can get for them will be good enough.

I would appreciate any suggestions. Thank you!

It’s time for little elves to get busy, making things to capture memories.

Writes an LCC –

I’m a counselor for a small group of au pairs and at our last meeting the question about Christmas gifts for host parents came up. They all want to give something meaningful, they understand that in most cases the host parents could easily buy themselves whatever they want. They know that most families would appreciate home-made thoughtful gifts, ideally something that involves their kids. I suggested a photo collage and some of the girls said that they were planning to make such a collage at the end of their year. I was wondering if you readers might be willing to share some gifts that they have received and appreciated from their au pairs.

Just thinking about the gifts I’ve received over the years makes me want to cry. (In a good way.)

I can never forget the Santa Lucia day breakfast, the daily devotional reader, the jewelry box, or the Hello Kitty toiletries travel set, not to mention the wreath made of cutouts of my girls’ handprints.

The gifts that I cherish the most have either one or both of these qualities:

• They help me remember joyous or otherwise special times with the kids and with our au pair, or

• They show that our au pair was actually thinking of me as a person (a mom, a reader, a person with never too many sparkly pins, a person who loves Sweden)

Other gifts that I’ve loved have been little things that told me my au pair noticed what I needed and found little ways to add to the smoothness of daily life. For example, I got a Hello Kitty change purse to keep in the console of our station wagon, filled with quarters to use at the parking meters in town. Now, every time I refill it or take out a quarter for the meter, I thank the au pair who thought of this!

Host Moms, what kinds of gifts from an au pair would make you super-happy?

Share your comments, below. And, if you have any photos of such gifts, email them to me at mom@aupairmom.com and I’ll post them for everyone to enjoy.

The Christmas & Holiday season is now officially upon us — just in time to work off that second slice of pumpkin pie.

I think I’m finally figuring out how to do these seasonal celebrations — I’ve got the weekly countdown calendar planner out again. We’ve sent out party invitations and even bought cases of wine for celebrations from now to January 6th. I’m feeling psyched that I’ve got at least this part of our family life happily underway.

One benefit to accruing experiences over time is that you get better at things — but only if you remember what you learned before.

Last year I “learned” once again that  I can never seem to find my Advent Wreath for the 1st Sunday. So, last January I put in in a storage box with our Thanksgiving decorations and voila!! — Here it is, ready to go. I am pumped.

At AuPairMom we’re approaching our 4th Christmas / Chanukah / Kwanzaa / Ashura / Solstice season.

We’ve got three previous years of pretty useful discussion. I’ve summarized the big issues below. The links will take you to the conversations we’ve had in the past about these topics… you can read these convos for some great insights and suggestions.

Even though we have stores of wisdom in these posts and comments, sometimes we seem to want to have the conversations anew. (Why is that, I wonder?   — Is it because we just like sharing tips with each other? Is it that if we already figured it out we get to feel helpful, and there’s always someone new to the situation.)

So, for fresh conversations, here are two ideas.

• First, I’ll be posting some new polls so that we can see what folks are planning for this year. Next week we’ll poll on gift amounts and on-duty plans.
• Second, if you have a topic that you want us to address, shoot me an email at mom@aupairmom.com. I swear on my leftover turkey that I will read my au pair mom email (more) promptly and get those up for us to discuss.

If we summarize all the wisdom into a few key points, here they are:

1. Have a Master Plan. Share this with your au pair.

2. Imagine the cadence, rhythm, style of observance and spirit of your ideal family holiday. Share this with your au pair.

3. Explain your extended family. Explain who you’ll be with and what those people need from you & your au pair. Tell your au pair what to expect and now to behave.

4. Plan a gift giving strategy that includes your au pair. Give your au pair dollar limits and suggestions so that s/he doesn’t go crazy buying stuff.

5. Remember the little things — they might surprise your au pair and delight you.

6. Remember that holidays are opportunities for ‘cultural exchange’. They can be emotionally draining and emotionally rich– your approach will determine what you experience.

1. Master Plan

Have a master plan for your holiday celebrations and share this with your au pair!! Let her or him know the big picture as soon as possible, and put all the details that you can on your family calendar as soon as possible.

• Plan Ahead for the Holidays. How will your Au Pair celebrate with you?
• Poll: Will your AP be on-duty on Christmas?

2. Holiday Spirit & Religious Observance

Think about the qualities and spirit you’d like you family holiday time to express…. share these with your au pair so that s/he can support you in creating the holiday time that you hope for. Enroll her or him now in your vision– it’s the best way to make sure you’re all on the same page. And, be open to what your au pair might want to contribute from her or his perspective.

• On celebrating each other’s religious holidays

What about if s/he doesn’t celebrate Christmas and we do?
What about if s/he does celebrate Christmas and we don’t?

• Christmas Tip: Tell your Au Pair what your family believes about Santa

3. Talk about and prepare for holiday people and events outside your immediate host family.

• Mixing Grandparents and Au Pairs at the Holidays
• My Au Pair has Awful Table Manners
• Eating Out at Restaurants: Advice for Host Families and Au Pairs
• What to Wear? asks the Au Pair
• Temporary Eviction: Would you make your Au Pair stay somewhere else while you are on vacation?

4. Gift Giving   

• Holiday Gifts for Au Pairs
  

• Holiday Bonus, Tip, or End of Year Cash Gift? (Poll)
  
• How much should you tip your Au Pair at Christmas?
• Gift, Bonus or Tip: Call it what you want, but keep in mind….

• Christmas Tip: Tell your Au Pair what your family believes about Santa

5. Cultural Exchange

• How Can You Help Your Au Pair Feel at Home over the Holidays?
• Homesickness and your Au Pair: How you might help
  

6. Littler things to think about …

• Celebrate Your Au Pair’s First Snowfall!
• Christmas Tip: Make sure your Au Pair has a stocking

Let me know if there are new topics to discuss, and look for a new poll next week.

Host Parents: Be my päkapikud this holiday?

Images: Enchanted Forest Felt Christmas Trees from Balloon Highway, available on Etsy; Lazy Bear handmade felted Polar bear on Etsy, Polar Bear Pair also on Etsy, but I can’t find the link….

Don’t you love getting holiday cards from friends, especially when the cards have a photo of their whole family? We have so many friends who live so far away that the only chance I get to see how their kids are growing is from the holiday card photos.  Plus, I love to put them on my fridge so that I think of my friends often.

It’s funny how different families have different concerns about the photos. Some families have posed, formal photos by a real photographer, others include a snapshot from an iPhone, and with a few you’ve just got to wonder who thought that picture should be seen in public…

If you are a family that sends out Holiday Cards AND you include a photo with those cards:

We’d love to hear how you approach this one…

Special Halloween Edition

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays to share with Au Pairs. Unlike some holidays, Halloween doesn’t seem to trigger a whole lot of nostalgia and homesickness. For au pairs who ‘do’ Halloween in their home countries, it’s a chance for her to share traditions from her culture. And, if your au pair is new to Halloween, you get to introduce her to all the fun.

Over the years, we’ve done a lot of different things as a family to celebrate the holiday and the season, adjusting as the girls have gotten older. Halloween is one holiday where including our au pair in whatever we’re doing has increased the fun every time. Here are some Halloween activities you might consider:

1. Get your Au Pair a costume. At our house, I’ve always encouraged our au pairs to “get in the spirit” by putting together a costume. We’ve done the purchased costume from Target, the costume assembled from the kids’ dress up chest, and the completely original cardboard box “creature.”    

2. Bring your au pair to a Halloween Party. My daughters’ school has an annual Fall Festival, with a haunted hallway and square dancing, and we’ve always dragged our au pairs along. In part this gets me another set of eyes to watch the girls run around the auditorium, but also it gets our au pairs out into the community to see the Halloween fun that goes beyond just the candy.

3. Have your au pair greet the trick-or-treaters. One of our greatest Halloweens was when our 6 foot tall au pair dressed up as a witch and stood on our front porch, surrounded by jack ‘o lanterns and big fake spiders. She kept absolutely still– looking like a Halloween decoration– and at the moment the trick-or-treaters’ feet hit our steps, she let out a wild cackle.

Kids in our neighborhood still talk about it. One of the best scares ever.

4. Enlist your au pair to help with the candy distribution and collection. Having our au pair be on duty for Halloween evening means that we can take turns being at home to hand out candy and walking around with the kids to collect treats. Being the person who answers the door lets your au pair see the whole variety of costumes and kids, while going around the neighborhood (sometimes) lets her see what other people’s homes are like (another cultural exchange).

5. Find some Halloween crafts for her to do with your kids — like making scary food for the preK party.

6. Bring your au pair to a pumpkin patch.

7. Teach your au pair how to carve a pumpkin. Teach her how to salt & toast the seeds. Please also teach her to keep her face away from the pumpkin while she carves. Safety first.

8. Ask your au pair to play math games with the kids as they count, divide and trade their candy.

9. Invite your au pair to watch “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” Explain to her why this show is/was such a tradition, and why it’s so sad. (This will also prepare her for traditions related to Charlie Brown’s Christmas, Rudolph, and The Grinch.)

What have you and your au pairs done to celebrate Halloween??

How do other people see your au pair?
When you tell them that she or he should be treated as “part of the family”, what do your think that means to them?

Grandparents, next door neighbors, teachers, and mail carriers all have their own ideas about whether, when, and how an au pair is or is not part of your family. From these ideas, they have their own expectations about when they ought to include your au pair when they are doing things with your family.

When it comes to including an au pair in a ‘family’ activity with other families, there are a lot of perspectives to take into account.

First, figure out if including your au pair is right for you and right for your au pair.

Holiday meals, kids birthday parties, and trips to the Statue of Liberty seem like easy calls – of course your au pair is invited to join you. Other people’s weddings, date nights, family counseling, and long vacations are trickier.

Your decisions can change based on the event, your current au pair’s personality, the arc of your relationship with him or her, and what you as a host parent want to enjoy about the event.

• Do you want to share this event?
• Will it cramp your style?
• Will it be fun/interesting for your au pair?

Is the event appropriate for your au pair?

• Will including the  au pair (in as much as s/he is a stranger/ newcomer)  mess with the social dynamic of the event for the person(s) hosting it?
• Does your au pair have the conversation skills to get along with a lot of new people?
• Will there will be other people for her or him to hang with (like, other young adults or au pairs)?
• Will s/he attend as a guest or instead be ‘on duty’?
• Does s/he have appropriate clothing to wear?
• Will s/he know the customs of the event and know how to act in that setting?
• Will s/he will stay for the whole event, or leave after the cake and before the dancing/beer drinking?

Think too about the situation of the family throwing the event.

• Are they welcoming people?
• Are they folks who are generous with food, drink, and conversation?
• Can they afford another guest?
• Are they somehow interesting people, making it an ‘experience expanding’ event that’s worthwhile even if it might take extra work?
• Are they interested in people like your au pair?

Your decision for each particular event and (potential) invitation will be unique, but will also express your family’s general preference.

With all these questions in mind, you’ll know whether or not you’ll want your au pair to come along with you. So now you have the biggest challenge– communicating to your friends and family how you would like your au pair to be included.

Consider that:

• • People who don’t have au pairs themselves need to be educated not only about au pairs in general, but about your au pair and your family’s relationship with her or him.

• • Even with people who do have au pairs, you need to communicate how you feel about including your au pair, or not, in various kinds of family events.

• • People will take their cues from what you say and what you do, so be sure to educate them about how your au pair ‘fits’.

What else should we consider when it comes to including our au pairs (or not) in family invitations?

Images: Pink Party Decorations from amiefedora
My Poms – Tutorial from Easymakesmehappy Some rights reserved

[Two years ago we enjoyed this post on gratitude, and au pairs. Since there are so many new and different readers of the blog now, that I thought I'd post it again.  Following up this post is a chance to reflect what you're thankful and grateful for in your host family- au pair relationship.  cv]

With Thanksgiving upon us, opening up the holiday season, all of us host moms & dads have a chance to be thankful about what our children and our au pairs bring into our lives.

Part of the reason I think that having an au pair can be so great is that it asks us to open up our families and to share our lives with others, in a unique way. We have to consider our values and priorities, translate these for someone from another culture, consider their personal and cultural values, manage the constant balance between employee and family, and collaborate together to support our children, our au pair, ourselves, and our community.

Thanksgiving gives us a (pretty obvious) opportunity to reflect on what having an au pair is bringing to our families, and how strengthening our relationships between our selves, our au pairs and our children can benefit all of us. Whether your relationship is more functional or more familial, whether you feel frustrated or delighted more often than not, there’s something good going on or your wouldn’t be in this relationship.

Take a moment to reflect on all of this, and to share your gratitude with your family and your au pair. (It’s okay to give yourself a pat on the back too, parents.)

Folks enjoyed the article by Christine Kane that I shared a few months ago, and here is another one about Thanksgiving. It’s always a treat to find something well-written and insightful, and since Christine encourages her readers to share her posts in toto, I’m happy to send it along to you.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Why Gratitude Makes You Happy and Wealthy
by Christine Kane

Gratitude is more than being thankful one day a year. Gratitude is a practice. For some, it’s a way of life.

Why do some people swear by the practice of gratitude? Why do these people have joy-filled and abundant lives?

In other words, why does gratitude make you happy and wealthy?

• Because gratitude is about presence.

It’s about waking up in this moment and being here – really being here – and noticing what’s around you. Most people are so busy thinking about the next thing, or about their horrid past, that they don’t wake up and look around at their present moment – the only moment there is.

• Because gratitude is about honoring YOUR precious life.

Do you ever compare your life with someone else’s? Do you ever wish your life were better and more like [insert famous person's name here]? Sometimes we can lose ourselves in wondering how we “measure up” to some standard set by our families or by the media. Comparison is the mind killer. The antidote is gratitude.

Gratitude requires that you validate your own life. (And you really don’t have any other life, do
you?) It forces you to say YES to the gift that is you. The choices you’ve made and the changes you’ve gone through – they have brought you here. Even if here is a place that needs a little adjustment, that’s okay. There are always gifts in any present moment.

• Because gratitude is about attracting.

It’s difficult to attract abundance and joy if you are constantly saying “no” to what IS. You say “no” each time you focus on the future or past, or when you criticize something that is in your present moment.

Attraction is about saying Yes. When you say Yes, you shift.

Gratitude says, “Yes, I love this!” And then more of this is attracted, because the this is what you’re focusing on.

• Because gratitude is about choice.

How you translate any situation is the situation. What you choose to see is the truth (for you).

This isn’t proposing that you live in denial or phoniness. It’s reminding you that your translation of any life situation is your choice. We’ve all heard stories of people who have ignored others’ translations of their talent, their projects, their art, their looks, their lives. These people chose their own translations and succeeded. You always have a choice when it comes to how you look at things. Choose to choose gratitude.

• Because gratitude is about wisdom.

I think people believe they’re being smart if they criticize, complain, and focus on the problems of the world around them.

Smart? Maybe.

Clever? Sure.

But not wise.

It is wise to look for and find the knowing place in your heart. It is wise to choose joy. It is wise to honor your riches. It is wise to focus on and grow the blessings of your life.

• Because gratitude is about recognition.

Use your power of focus to hone in on beauty and on what makes your heart sing. Recognize the spirit in your life. It’s all around you waiting to be noticed. In the words of Franz Kafka, “It will roll in ecstasy at your feet.”

• Because gratitude is about receptivity.

Gratitude makes you receptive. It makes you a vessel, waiting to be filled.

I carry a tiny notebook with me everywhere I go. In it, I write down song ideas. I write down quotes I hear. I write down ideas for stage stories. As I do that, I become more receptive, and more ideas and songs come to me. It’s a tool that says to my subconscious, “Send more my way!” And the subconscious always responds.

Gratitude is the same way. It says, “I am receptive! Send more!” And more arrives.

• Because gratitude is about creativity.

Creativity is really all about attention. (So is genius.)

When I write a song, I build a relationship with that song. I spend time with it. I get to know it. I pay attention to it. Artists do the same thing with drawings. They spend time in rapt attention, and the drawing is born.

Gratitude is how we Live Creative. It is a creative act to notice and pay attention to the moments of your life. Some days it’s an enormous act of creativity to find things for which to be thankful.

Start today.

And have a Thanksgiving of presence, creativity, and gratitude! [Thanks Christine!]

Gratitide Cafe by CoreyThrace on Flickr
Cratitidue Tage by eekim on FLickr

Performer, songwriter, and creativity consultant Christine Kane publishes her ‘LiveCreative’ weekly ezine with more than 8,000 subscribers. If you want to be the artist of your life and create authentic and lasting success, you can sign up for a FRE*E subscription to LiveCreative at www.christinekane.com.