Sometimes you just don’t want to read the subject lines of the emails that show up in our AuPairMom emailbox. The email posted below came with the subject line, “Am I being taken advantage of?”. But, by the time the au pair finished telling her story, it was clear it the subjuct should have been “Help, I’m being exploited!”

I don’t want to assume that the family, described in the au pair email below, is trying to take advantage of their au pair. They seem to have a logic to their plan, but they also seem a bit clueless. For this au pair to address the problems, she’s going to need to teach the family about what an au pair relationship is in spirit, and what it is under the law. And, she’s got to teach them that (in the USA) if the caregiver is not here under an AuPair program, with an Au Pair contract, then she’s not an au pair but a Nanny.

This woman is a live in nanny, a nanny who does other tasks, but a nanny and not an au pair. And, she should be paid as such.

Here’s Emery’s email:

I am currently an au pair in the Northeast City for a wonderful family with two small kids. I really like it here, but my friends and family are wondering if I’m being taken advantage of, monetarily. It’s hard to know where to start, so I’ll start with my background.

I am 24, and from the US. I was an au pair once before, in the Netherlands, being paid 350 euros bi-monthly. I have been taking care of children regularly for more than 8 years, through babysitting and non-live-in nanny positions. I also worked as an assistant to a Children’s Librarian for 5 years. I have my Bachelor’s degree, a valid driver’s license and no criminal record. I consider myself more than qualified to handle this job.

With the family here in the Northeast City, we did not use an au pair service to find eachother (basically saving the family $150 a week). The family put their profile onaupair-world.net just days before I re-activated my profile. We found eachother, talked on the phone then met in person, and I moved in in less than a month. Soon after moving in, we went through the guidelines for weekly hours, payment, etc, and we agreed to the terms that most of their previous au pairs went by.

Several months in, they are very happy with me. They tell me that I’m their best au pair they’ve hired, that I’ve caused the least amount of problems. I am their first American au pair as well. The girls love me and miss me when I’m not around, and I can tell that it is stressful for the parents to handle their own kids when I’m on vacation.

In addition to au pair duties, I also work during the day as an intern for the mom, who has a small business. I am paid the same hourly rate as my au pair job, which is $4.35 an hour. I am doing internet marketing, and although I realize that many internships are unpaid, the work I am doing is more than satisfactory, and I end up working almost 13 hour days with both jobs.

I work 45 hours a week, with 10 consecutive hours each Saturday. I am paid the minimum, $196 per week, for doing the maximum amount of work.  If I work less than 45 hours (sometimes, this is not of my choosing), $4.35 is taken off for each hour missed. What are the legalities of this? The government documentation is not easy to follow.

I am just wondering if I am being taken advantage of. I love the work, but my family and friends scoff at my hourly wage. For my experience and qualifications, should I be paid more? Do you have any advice on asking for a raise, specifically methods on how and when to ask?

Any help you could offer would be GREATLY appreciated. Like I said, I enjoy my job, but if the family is taking advantage of me, my trust in them will be broken, and I may have to find another job sooner than expected.

Sincerely, Emery

Oh my goodness, where to begin.

Your host family IS exploiting you.

They are messing things up by trying to categorize you in ways that fit their needs and not yours. You are not an au pair, you are not an intern. You are an experienced, live in nanny. You are a part-time office worker with a college degree.

You need to be paid (in my opinion) at *least $12-15 per hour of childcare, and $10/ hour off office-work up to 40 hours, then time & a half after that. As a full-time employee of theirs, they should pay taxes on your wages, and they should (ideally) provide you with some kind of basic health insurance. And, if they want to provide you with room and board, better you should establish a rate for this, and pay it back to them out of your wages. That’s more professional.

You aren’t an au pair. But, if you were an Au Pair…

If you were an actual Au Pair (within State Department rules) you’d be getting additional benefits, such as basic health insurance, paid vacation, an education stipend ($500), and monthly training&social meetings with other au pairs. And, as an au pair from outside the US, you’d be getting some kind of cultural life experience — which you’re not getting as a US citizen. So, if we were to consider you a kind of ‘au pair’, you are not being fully compensated.

Also, as an au pair your tasks can NOT include doing business work for the host parents.

Worse, as an “au pair” you cannot be ‘docked’ any hourly wages if the family doesn’t use your full 45 hours. You’d get your weekly stipend, regardless of the hours.

You are a Nanny

Guess what– as a US citizen, an adult,  a person with a BA, and a person with significant childcare experience, you should be treated as a Nanny.

You know how much a nanny gets paid in the NY/NJ/Boston area? Anywhere between $12 and $25 per hour (before room and board). Even if you were to take the total # of hours of childcare, multiply that by $15, and then subtract the US State Dept. estimate of room and board (which is around $140/week), you are still being underpaid.

You’re also not an “intern”

Technically, an intern can be engaged by a company without being paid if the position meets 6 criteria. The three critical ones for you are :

• The training is for the benefit of the trainees;
• The trainees do not displace regular employees, but work under their close observation;
• The employer that provides the training derives no immediate advantage from the activities of the trainees, and on occasion the employer’s operations may actually be impeded

Otherwise, the “intern” must be paid the hourly minimum wage of $7.25 / hour with an overtime rate (over 40 hrs) of $10.88.

You are a part-time office worker with a college degree.

I can see that the family might want to call you an intern, and deduct the Room&Board from your hourly rate, but really. They are using the term ‘intern’ to keep up a convenient fiction– that this isn’t a real job that they’d have to pay someone real wages for. If your host parent tired to hire someone to do the work you’re doing, she’d be hard pressed to find anyone with the skills you are using who’d accept less than $10 / hour in the Northeast City. Geeze, a high school babysitter on Friday nights gets $10/hour.

Moms, Dads and Au Pairs, what do you recommend that she do?

Ask to be paid as a Nanny and Office Worker? Find a new job? Wait it out until the end of her year? Your advice wanted, below….

Felted Unicorn Throw Rug (tapestry, really, who’d want to walk on something this pretty?) available on Etsy from SongPony

Must we use an Au Pair Agency to engage an Au Pair?

Yes.

Sure, you can go it alone, but then you would not be operating within US Law.

We emphatically recommend that you use an approved agency to find and retain your au pair. Following the laws and regulations protects both your family and your au pair.

There are 14 different approved agencies in the USA, and they range in both cost and in level of support (e.g., training, local counselors, etc.) If you are concerned about costs, you can do some comparison shopping and even contact agencies to try to negotiate some kind of signing bonus.

Pre-Matching with Someone You Already Know

If you already know a young person outside the US who you’d like as your au pair, you can “pre-match” with this person, and then engage an agency to manage the paperwork, travel, training and support.

Using a Website to Refer to an Agency

Also, you can find an au pair on one of many websites (e.g., Great Au Pair — not an endorsement, just an example) and then work through them to have both parties referred to an agency that operates within the home country of your desired au pair.

Bottom Line:

Trying to create and sustain an au pair relationship without using an approved agency is against the law. It’s also a bad idea.

For more on this issue, see these posts, below. Be SURE to read people’s comments for important details and insights.:

Going “Off the Board” to find an Au Pair

What the best way to Pre-Match with an Au Pair, before connecting to an Agency?

Reading the Fine Print: How do Au Pair Agency contracts differ?
Choosing an Au Pair Agency: Two questions that might make a difference
If you were an Au Pair: Agency or Website?
An Open Letter to Au Pairs without an Agency, Outside the USA

State Department Site re Au Pairs
“Designated Sponsor Organizations” aka Approved Au Pair Agencies

Owl Image from ThePinkTonka Shop on Etsy, filled with interesting owl-y things.

What do we do when our au pairs don’t like our pets?

No au pair is required or should be expected to take care of a dog by walking him, feeding him or training him. Pets are most assuredly not the responsibility of an au pair.

While a pet-friendly au pair may be happy to help with dog chores, that’s always at his or her discretion, and host parents should understand that they can’t assume the au pair will do anything more than make sure the dogs doesn’t escape out the front door or go too long without water in his bowl.

But what if the au pair and the dog just don’t get along?

JM Host Mom shared this problem in our conversation about New Year Review: Reset Au Pair Expectations for 2012. It was one of three issues that she was struggling to deal with. I think this problem is significant in its own right, so let ‘s talk about it.

Here’s JM Host Mom’s concern:

The dog. She hates our dog. Our dog hates her. Our dog is a sweet little dog who is very active and exciting. Granted, she’s not the easiest dog in the world IF you let her run wild and don’t correct her. But we’ve tried to be compassionate and have spent HUNDREDS of dollars on an in-home trainer since our au pair arrived to try to help. The poor dog gets so upset and anxious that she barks constantly at the au pair.

The au pair is not doing the things the trainer taught her. The au pair complains about the dog, and locks her in her crate for long periods of time because it’s the easiest thing to do. We keep asking her, “are you doing what the trainer taught us?” and she says, “well, no…” We tell her to do what the trainer taught us (it’s not like it’s that hard) and NOT to lock her in the crate (which just exacerbates the dog’s anxiety and makes it worse). But nothing changes. We keep coming home and finding the dog locked in the crate.

The au pair says “oh she’s only been in for a quick ten minute time out,” but we’re pretty sure she’s been in there a LONG time because we can tell by the dog’s behavior (she’s our dog, we know what she’s like). Any suggestions?

See also:

Poll: Do you ask your Au Pair to walk your dog?
Can I ask my au pair to Bathe the Dog?

 Image: Smiling Dog Some rights reserved by yark64

There are several times each year, and several times in each AuPair year, when it makes sense to reset your expectations with your au pair.

The start and end of school, the start and end of summer, when there is a big change in your family’s routine (like the end of maternity leave), or when there is a significant event in your family or community (broken leg, car accident) are all good times to sit down with your au pair and talk about what you need from him or her.

The neat thing about the New Year (as well as so many of those other markers) is that it “makes sense” to have this kind of reset conversation. The air is rife with talk of resolutions and changes, and you can sneak in a few adjustments to your family rules or a few clarified expectations under the guise of “starting off fresh in the new year.”

What’s a Reset Conversation?

A reset conversation is like a focused, more in-depth family/au pair meeting, where the point is not to discuss the past week or the upcoming week, but to discuss the ‘big picture’. You might need to go over a certain set of rules (like car rules) that need to be followed more closely, or ask your au pair to do something new (cook the kids’ suppers as well as make lunches).

Suggestions for a Reset Conversation:

• Keep the conversation focused. You might not be able to make in through your entire au pair handbook (and let’s hope you don’t think you have to!). And, you many not make it all the way down your list of the crazy annoyances that you wish would disappear. So, pick the 3, 4 or 5 that matter the most.

• Frame the conversation about learning and growing, not about ‘fixing’. Remember that your au pair, and you kid(s) have continued to grow and change over the year. Frame the change requests that you make as outcomes of this growth. For example, ‘now that Toddler2 is having playdates, let’s go over the handbook section on playdates so that you know what to expect and how to organize them.”

• Add more ‘positive’ changes than requests for corrections. We hope that our au pairs have gotten more confident and more competent, and it might be time for you to relax a few rules and to offer an additional privilege. For example, if your au pair has become a great driver, you might let her/him have a larger driving radius, so that s/he can go to the fancy mall 15 miles away instead of the crummy one that’s just down the road.

• Before you ask your au pair to reset, reflect on your own expectations. You might need to refresh your assessment of your au pair’s skills, attitudes and interests, to incorporate the ways s/he has grown and changed. Sometimes without a reminder to update, we keep on thinking our au pair can’t find her ay around, can’t use a map, doesn’t really understand English, etc. Make room in your beliefs about him or her for some of that growth.

Are you planning to have a Reset Conversation withy our au pair? What will you focus on? Please share your thoughts, below.

See these posts:

Take Advantage of Your Summer Re-Sets: Revise expectations
After the Honeymoon: Seasons of the Au Pair year
4 Ways to Reduce “Seasonal Schedule Shift Syndrome”
Au Pair Asks: How can I gently decline my Host Mom’s advice?

Image: Owls 2012 Calendar by SusanBlackDesign, available on Etsy

When it comes to following the rules and regulations of the Au Pair Program, how much oversight do different agencies actually provide? Inquiring minds want to know, since these rules are there to protect all the parties in the Au Pair – Host Family relationship.

There are three areas where legal ‘oversight’ is necessary:

1. Managing the Au Pair’s legal status in the USA
2. Managing the Au Pair’s work, board and pay issues in the Host Parents’ home
3. Managing the Host Parents’ treatment of the Au Pair

Do you have any stories about Agencies doing a particularly good job in any or all of these areas?
If Agencies were to improve their oversight, where would you want them to focus?

One of the hardest parts of  being a work-at-home parent is managing the interruptions.

Not that we don’t love our kids, or want to see them and help them when they need us. But we need to be able to step into the “work mode” and stay there in order to get quality work done.

Managing interruptions has always been an issue for me, since when I’m working at home I’m either writing & editing, analyzing data, or talking with a colleague about something serious that requires my deep attention.

It’s bad enough that I have to manage my own temptations (e.g., surfing the web, hanging out on Twitter, answering that phone call from my girlfriend, online grocery shopping, etc.). But when I’ve successfully resisted those, and I’ve gotten into a deep mind groove with my work, I go nuts when I’m interrupted. That work groove is just too fragile and too precious to treat carelessly.

I struggle with two big tensions regarding interruptions from my kids.

1. Being available for my kids when they really need me vs. being un-interruptable when I are deep into my work. 
2. Letting my au pair be ‘in charge’ and being ready to step in if I am really needed.

Being available vs. Don’t interrupt me

You don’t want to hurt your kids’ feelings and leave them thinking that you don’t care about them, simply because you cannot put Skype on ‘pause’ to get them a band aid or see their latest drawing.

At the same time, though, you can’t be completely accessible or you will simply get nothing of value done. There is only so much work you can do during their naps, after they’re in bed, and before they wake up. Indeed, that’s why you have an au pair.

To manage this tension I’ve got a few ‘rules’.

• Kids may not interrupt me when I am on the phone, on Skype, or when my fingers are moving on my keyboard.
• Kids must knock on my office door and wait quietly until I come and open it.
  (My door has big glass panels so I can see if they are crying, or bleeding, or anything crazy. And, If I’m on the phone I can communicate with hand signals, smiles/frowns, and the occasional post it to let them know how soon I’ll be free.)

• I have a set time that I AM available to be interrupted.
  I make a point of getting up from my desk and walking out of my office to greet the kids when they come home, so that they see that I am available in a predictable way. Plus I get to enjoy that reunion time with them. Sometimes, I even have some coffee or a snack with them and then go back to work.

These three rules work reasonably well, most of the time.

Au Pair ‘In Change’ vs. Mom Steps In

The second tension, between letting your au pair be ‘in charge’ and being ready to step in if you are really needed, is one that waxes and wanes with the au pair’s relationship with the kids. It’s always an issue when an au pair is new, or when an activity is new — the au pair needs advice, training, observation or support, and since I’m working at home it’s (relatively) easy to give this right when it’s needed, versus at the end of the day or in a family meeting.

However, this tension remains even after your au pair knows what s/he’s dong, so you need to have plans in advance to manage this tension.  I’ve had to make sure to wean myself, my au pair and my kids from any expectation that I’ll step in when any one of the three of us is unhappy. This means that I sometimes have to let my au pair deal with bickering kids when I could just open the door and yell at them. It means that I have to let them take too much time on their way out the door to soccer practice so that they experience the ‘natural consequence’ of being late.

It also means that I have to respect my au pair’s authority and her personal way of doing things. I can’t interrupt her for doing something differently than I’d do it myself. And, sometimes I even have had to let her do something ‘wrong’ (e.g., say yes to the Good Humor man) and wait to discuss with her later.  This is what it takes to keep her ‘in charge’ in the eyes of my kids and others, so that they see her as a person with authority and a person whose directions should be respected.

So that neither my kids nor my au pairs have felt abandoned during this weaning process, I’ve made sure to be explicit, saying things like: “Remember, Elrina’s in charge now” or “Elrina, you’re in charge now.”

To help with the ongoing tension of being available but not on duty myself, one day I scrawled the sign you see above, stuck to my office door. (Since the sign’s been up for over 3 years now, it’s too bad I didn’t make a nicer one.)

The sign reminds everyone (me included) that when I’m working in my office with the door shut, the only times to interrupt me are when

• It’s an emergency, or
• You really can’t wait for an answer or make a decision on your own.

I should also mention– I break for hot cups of coffee, cold Diet Cokes, and warm cookies straight from the oven. Both my kids and our au pairs have figured out that I’m completely happy being interrupted for any of these, and most of all, for a ‘hug’nakiss’. After that, it’s back to the digitized salt mines for me.

For you other work-at home parents, what are the tensions that are challenging for you?

What are your strategies for managing them?

Please share your ideas!

See also:
Sabotage your Au Pair’s Authority: 3 Easy Ways
Share with your Au Pair your system for ‘disciplining’ your kids
Share the Cream: Give your AP meaningful work to do

As every reader of this blog knows, we are big fans of the concept of the Family Handbook. And by “we” I don’t mean the royal  moi, but all of us host parents (and even au pairs). It really helps to create a handbook to get your expectations and needs out into clear language, and it helps your au pair to have explanations s/he can refer to.

Our handbooks can get pretty long.  The more we know about challenges, and the more we learn about our preferences, the more pages we seem to add to these books. Our family handbooks can appear daunting to a new au pair too — All those rules! Procedures! Explanations! Curfews! English words I don’t recognize!

On paper, we thoughtful, well-prepared host parents can come off looking like nags, dictators, and uptight prisses who will be impossible to live with (even though we are not that way). The challenge is always — do we spell it all out and risk looking insane? Or do we leave things out (and hope they won’t be missed) in order to look less rigid or rule-bound?

We also recommend that you send these handbooks to our prospective au pairs so that they can know (as clearly as we can spell it out) what to expect as our au pair. Some host parents (I’m thinking of you, CalifMom) send the handbook to all prospective au pairs as part of the “I dare you to match with our family” strategy. The idea here is  “forewarned is better than ambushed”.

Unfortunately, sending an incoming au pair our complete (obsessively detailed) handbooks can misrepresent the otherwise loving, open and relaxed familys/he has yet to meet in person. The handbook can  even scare (or scare off) an otherwise great au pair.

Given the tension between informing your au pair and freaking him or her out,  the question is– when is the best time to send an incoming au pair your handbook?

[There are a lot of choices here -- and I'm sure that sometimes you use a combination. Give it your best shot.]

This squestion comes up for NewbieHostMom, who wonders:

We have our first au pair arriving this weekend. Should I send her our handbook before she gets here? I am a little obsessive, maybe even compulsive. Our handbook is extensive. If I send her to her today or tomorrow she will be getting it a few days before she departs for her orientation. Is that too much, or will it be appreciated? She seems to want the info, and I did send her a basic schedule for hours, but I am just not sure what to do.

I suggested that she send just the schedule and driving rules — as a taste of things, but a small enough amount that it wouldn’t overwhelm (Also, at this point the au pair might only be able to read it as an email, not printed out, and that could complicate things too.)

What do you all think?

With our previous conversation about whether or not an au pair is supposed to be paid pocket money if s/he takes additional vacation weeks, I was reminded of this very simple and confusing issue:

Although US regulations apply to any US au pair, each agency has its own ways of interpreting and explaining the rules.

Depending on the fine print of your agency contract, your obligations may differ from those of a host family with a different agency.

We’ve seen this before in our conversations– some fine point of interpretation about a family’s obligations, different beliefs about what’s right, and the discovery that the differences map to people being with different agencies.

Places where agency differences have come up include:

(1) paid vs. unpaid additional vacation time,
(2) paid vs. unpaid orientation weeks,
(3) consecutive vs. separated day and half-day of the “day and a half” off duty each week,
(4) what counts as a “half day”,
(5) how many times an au pair’s day can be ‘split’ with off duty time, and
(6) procedures for managing an au pair when you go into rematch.

I bet that I’d find just a couple more if I went back through all our pages.

Does anyone recall other topics where agencies seem to have different policies?

Sometimes, Agency policies get updated and you don’t realize it.

I was a little surprised to discover in the unpaid vacation conversation that unpaid vacation was ‘not allowed’. I know that sometimes the agency rules have actually changed while I’ve been a client– for example, the clarification that a ‘half day’ meant no more than 5 hours on duty, and not ‘at least 8 hours of time between 7 am and 8 pm’.

Sometimes, you’ve gotten used to one interpretation.

Often there is an interpretation that’s been supported by other host families and your counselor and seemed to be ‘correct’, and then a new counselor/LCC has a different interpretation. This has happened for us around whether or not non-credit ESL classes ‘count’ towards the education requirement.

Sometimes, the laws underneath the policies or advice actually change (or are different).

We’ve seen this with the question of whether or not your au pair can use an international driver’s license all year or whether s/he needs to get one from your state.

Sometimes, nobody seems to be confident about what the actual ‘right’ answer is.

and so you (or we) continue to look for definitive information. Income taxes for au pairs, anyone?

Sometimes, we’ve just got it wrong (despite our best intentions).

None of us wants to interpret the rules unfairly, or to treat our au pairs in a way that is ultimately unfair.

In the end, there are two basic principles that we should follow:

1. What is the kind, generous, responsible interpretation of the issue that meets the au pair’s needs, the family’s needs, and is felt to be fair by all, and

2. What does the fine print in your au pair contract say?

See also:
Scheduling your au pair for a half-day
Scheduling Your Au Pair: Naptime, Mealtime and Meaningful Breaks
Do you pay your Au Pair for her orientation days?
Choosing an Au Pair Agency: Two questions that might make a difference

images:
The fine print from jasoneppink
The fine print, buttons from Ikea Some rights reserved by mag3737

When a new baby arrives, so do lots of new family dynamics. We’ve discussed so of these already, in the conversation about Having another baby? How to tell your au pair. But, we recently got this request from an au pair, who’d like some help in thinking about the challenges of a new baby in a family that an au pair might face:

Dear AuPair Moms– I searched for this topic and found something from about this concern from the parent’s point of view, and I’ve some comments on situation as an au pair.

I am pretty sure my Au Pair Host Mom is pregnant.

She hasn’t said anything at all. But I’m thinking she might be pregnant, because:
– A letter came from a prenatal clinic. This might seem like snooping but the name was right on the envelope in plain sight. I’m the one who collects the mail.
– My Host Mom is not drinking.
– She sort of looks pregnant (which could go either way, to be honest). I realized it can be downright offensive to ask her, just for that reason alone

I am not sure if I even should ask my Host Mom about her being pregnant, but I am concerned.

I have a several concerns about what a new baby means for my work and my pay.

First, I am honestly not qualified to care for infants.
My childcare experience is minimal, which the family knew when they hired me. I’ve been my host family for a little over two months now. In general I like the family, and I love being around the kids. … Of course there are also things I am really not happy about (like my hours being more than I was told about, etc).

I’m also worried about how my Host Mom’s maternity leave would effect my responsibilities.
My Host Mom would have extensive time off thanks to government benefits. I have found that it’s much harder to do my job well with a parent around.

And, I am concerned that her being home would effect my pay (and my hours).
The au pair before me was only making 300 euro a month when the Host Mom was not working. Once the Host Mom started working her pay was bumped up.

Should I bring any of this up with my Host Mom? Or, should I just wait (and worry) until she says something?

Parents and Au Pairs, keep in mind that this Au Pair is outside the USA. Thus, she is not covered by the regulations around a stable, fixed amount of pocket money regardless of her schedule (up to 40 hours). And, she may not be subject to the requirement that the baby be 3 months old before being left in the care of an Au Pair.

With these specifics in mind, what do you advise?

See also:

Having another baby? How to tell your au pair

image: Adorable Infant album-1997-089 from Paul-W

Be sure to read the comments! There is some terrific information about how agencies work (or don’t work) in specific countries!

Dear Au Pairs-

I’m writing this letter to you to tell you a cold, difficult truth:

As much as you hope that you did some careful screening of possible host families, and as much as you negotiated and clarified the terms of your arrangement with a host family before starting up as their au pair, the situation you are in has few protections. If things go wrong and your host family violates your agreement with them, resolving the problems will be all up to you.

Many host families — probably most host families — want to do the right thing, and will hold to the terms that they discussed with you. With these families, there will be issues (like the ones we discuss here on AuPairMom all the time) that are part of the normal back and forth in an au pair-host family relationship. With caring, forgiveness, and clarity, these situations can usually be resolved.

Some families will think that they are going to follow the terms of your agreement, but will discover as they go along that what they really want from you is something beyond your agreement. They may ask you to work more hours, work without a schedule, do more cleaning, drive less often for personal use, and so on, outside of what you agreed to at the start. Sometimes, you can bring this issue up with the host parents, they’ll recognize and apologize for going over the lines, and will change their behavior.

Sometimes, however, a host family has little intention of following the rules. They may not know ‘up front’ that they are going to take advantage of you, so they may not be entirely bad people. However, any family that regularly goes beyond the terms of your contract, making you work too much, too often, on the wrong kinds of tasks, and without the personal space and autonomy you bargained for is likely to keep on doing it unless there is a significant penalty to them.

In the USA, au pairs are required to use an approved au pair agency. This requirement, along with clear-cut guidelines for an au pair’s and host family’s responsibilities, is all about protecting you, the au pair, from being exploited by host family. Some agencies in the US have more oversight and make more of a constant effort to check that the contract between the au pair and the host family is being followed, but all agencies have this responsibility.

Without an Agency

When you make arrangements to be someone’s au pair without using an agency, you have very little protection. There is no one but you to enforce the contract if things go bad. As far as I know, there is no one outside of the host family themselves that you can appeal to for help, or even for formal advice. You are on your own.

Here at AuPairMom we get about one email a week from an au pair in Europe or Australia who is working without the support of an agency. She is usually being expected to work far too much, has limited to no use of a car, can’t leave the host family’s house, and/or is having her pocket money withheld for problems she does not think she caused.

When this happens, there is not much that anyone can do for you, except offer you advice about how to stick up for yourself.  You have to work it out with your family, and you have to be ready to find somewhere else to au pair or find a way safely home. And, you have to do this on your own.

Because we on AuPairMom are based here in the US, most of the parents (myself included) know every very little about the legal details and options behind au pair arrangements in other countries. Most countries do have some kind of official rules for au pair relationships that people are supposed to follow. It may be that there are government offices you can appeal to. It may be that you have a contact person from a matching service who can help you. If so, that’s great. But our sense is, after getting these emails one after another, that there is very little to protect you if and when a host family steps over the line.

What does this mean for you?

We are not suggesting that you give up on the dream of being an au pair in Europe or Australia. Instead, we have some recommendations for you:

• We encourage you to use an agency if you can. Yes, it costs more money and you need to make sure the agency isn’t taking advantage of you. But, oversight and contact people cost money, so when you use an agency you are actually paying for them to help you in an emergency.

• Do your absolute best to interview a family thoroughly. (Interview their previous au pairs if you can).

• Ask the family for references. Call these references. Even if they are friends of the family and the family is not being straight with you, friends may still find it hard to lie about families that are selfish.

• Have a back up exit plan– a plane ticket home, another place to stay or somewhere go if things get bad.

• At the start of your year, be clear and up front about expectations. Actively manage your orientation.

• Follow up after the first week and have a conversation with your family about what’s working (or not).

• Address issues earlier rather than later to nip problems in the bud.

• Be ready to ‘train’ and inform a new host family of ‘how to have an au pair’ and what’s fair.

• Print out pages from this website and official rules in your host country and give them to your host parents.

• Print out a blank calendar page and ask your host parent to fill it in on Sunday with your expected schedule.

• Manage your family.

• Stick up for yourself from the very beginning.

• Do a good job so that you are always standing on firm ground yourself.

• Save your money.

Finding a great match between a family and an au pair is hard– if you use an agency, your chances of a good match are higher. Still, a lot of it is luck.

If you end up choosing a family that turns out to be untrustworthy, leave. And, keep your sense of adventure— there is likely another family who will treat you right, where you can contribute, and where you can grow.

Beware, though, that an au pair situation without an agency puts all of the responsibility on YOU.

Take charge, and don’t let yourself be taken advantage of.

Parents and au pairs, if you have additional advice and insight– please add it in the comments!

See Also:
Some examples of emails from au pairs in bad situations, without agencies, outside the USA:
Can you say “exploited” in French? Au Pair asks what to do
Exploited in Italy: What’s the best way to leave my host family?

Au Pair Asks: How can I get my Host Mom to give me a schedule?

If you were an Au Pair: Agency or Website?