By way of LCC Sandra Cody Gwinn comes a terrific list of the “Top 10 Holiday Gifts for Au Pairs”, by Cultural Care’s Stephanie Reuter. Stephanie’s list is a great summary of lots of the advice you host moms have shared here and elsewhere, with her own personal twist of specific suggestions and links!

If you’re still in the hunt for holiday gifts, or if you want to think ahead to good-bye gifts, check out this list.

Another favorite, handmade memory gift is a Gratitude Jar.

A Gratitude Jar is just a decorated jar, with slips of paper and a pen attached. Parents, au pairs and kids can use the jar to remind them to write down funny or sweet things that happen, and then put the slip in the jar, to be read another day.

You might write things like “Today Catherine created a special dance to celebrate that I made Mac ‘n Cheese. We’re calling it the Mac ‘n Cheese-a- Rayna.” Or “Clara brought me a cup of tea when I was pounding away at the keyboard last night. That little bit of warmth and sweetness made the deadline easier to meet.”

You can pull out a slip and read it any time you feel you need to appreciate something. And, at the end of a year or when the jar gets full, you can take out all the slips and photocopy them or scan them on your printer– and you or your au pair can keep a copy. The slips themselves can get glued into a scrapbook.

You can also use the Gratitude Jar In Reverse -– The Giver fills the jar with 52 (or more!) memories, insights, and kind words. Then, every week (or whenever s/he needs a pick-me-up) the Recipient can pull out a slip, read it, and feel cared about.
This is a photo of my actual gratitude jar. There are slips of paper tucked into the elastic at the back of the jar (you can’t see them in the photo), and there is a pen at the ready. I keep it on the shelf by our kitchen table. Sometimes when we are feeling especially grumpy I ask everyone at dinner to write out a slip and tuck it in for a rainy-er day.

I ran into one of my friends while shopping at Williams-Sonoma this afternoon. I was supposed to be getting a Christmas gift for my BIL, but instead my arms were loaded with stuff to upgrade my own kitchen. What can I say? I really needed some pinecone place card holders… But I digress.

My friend was buying a fancy cookie press. Was she planning a cookie exchange, or a big Channukuh party?

Nope. She was getting the cookie press for her au pair.

Her German au pair has been baking up a storm, getting into the Christmas spirit, and pushing my friend’s pantry to the limit. The au pair mentioned, ever so casually, that a decent cookie 0press could make all the difference between yummy cookies and ‘yummy & beautiful’ cookies.

“Do you think she’ll like the gift,” I asked?

“Well, I’m not exactly sure it counts as a gift,” L. replied. “I admit it, I want her to be happy. And if baking cookies makes her happy, doesn’t it end up being a gift for me?”

Image: These pretty cookies were made by Sara at CaffeIna. Check out her blog, which is all about baking with kids (not as ingredients. As co-bakers.)

If an au pair could make just one thing for a family who celebrates Christmas, I’d suggest something I call Ornaments of Rememberment.

Ornaments of Rememberment are ornaments that are pretty on their own, but that also have some special memory attached. Maybe it’s the ticket stub from the performance of The Nutcracker that you all attended, decoupaged on the back. Or, it’s little messages from the kids or the au pair, written on the back.

One thing I’ve seen and loved is a 12 Days of Christmas set, each ornament with a word describing the delightful traits of the host kids. Or, a whole memory!!

For example, “Celebrate Ciara’s Creativity — everything she makes is special.” or “Liam is so funny, just thinking about him making jokes makes us laugh.”

The idea here is that both the physical item and the written observation are treasures to a host parent, and eventually to the host kid being described.

I am in love with this little creature, a Holiday Owl Ornament, from Etsy, NatesMommyMadeIt

I’m so impressed that there are still 19, 22, or 29 shopping days left (depending on the holiday you celebrate), but many of you are already getting organized!

Right about when I posted the call for general gift ideas, we received this email from Au Pair MMC.

Her gift-giving situation adds four challenges–

• She needs a gift for an extended family member who lives with the host family.
• She needs suggestions for exchanging gifts with a family that is rather formal.
• She wonders what to get the household help (if anything?). And,
• Her family might have high expectations….

Hmmmm.

Here’s MMC’s email– what ideas can we offer her?

I’m very confused and over-whelmed right now, trying to figure out what gifts to give to the adults in my host family household. In this family’s culture, I’m tiptoeing on the fine line between employee and family member. That’s generally difficult in a country and culture that has a very strict division between the two, as this culture does.

Christmas is coming around soon, and I have no idea what is appropriate or expected of me for gift giving. Of course, I want to get presents for my boys, but I have always felt awkward about buying presents for married or attached men i.e. my host dad. I feel very inexperienced in manners and etiquette in this area.

Also, my host-mom’s brother also lives with us. He’s near my age, and we watch soccer and drink beer together and similar casual activities. I don’t know if I’m expected to get him a present also if I get one for everyone else. We also have household help that I’m very friendly with, but I don’t know if I’m expected to also get something for them.

My family is very kind, but they are a German-Dutch blended family. The German part is a little more formal, but my host dad is Dutch and is more casual. I don’t want to do anything untoward, but I’d like to get everyone presents.

Another problem is my host-family really has a lot of money, and it seems like they have everything they need. I want to get them presents they will enjoy, but I feel like nothing I can get for them will be good enough.

I would appreciate any suggestions. Thank you!

It’s time for little elves to get busy, making things to capture memories.

Writes an LCC –

I’m a counselor for a small group of au pairs and at our last meeting the question about Christmas gifts for host parents came up. They all want to give something meaningful, they understand that in most cases the host parents could easily buy themselves whatever they want. They know that most families would appreciate home-made thoughtful gifts, ideally something that involves their kids. I suggested a photo collage and some of the girls said that they were planning to make such a collage at the end of their year. I was wondering if you readers might be willing to share some gifts that they have received and appreciated from their au pairs.

Just thinking about the gifts I’ve received over the years makes me want to cry. (In a good way.)

I can never forget the Santa Lucia day breakfast, the daily devotional reader, the jewelry box, or the Hello Kitty toiletries travel set, not to mention the wreath made of cutouts of my girls’ handprints.

The gifts that I cherish the most have either one or both of these qualities:

• They help me remember joyous or otherwise special times with the kids and with our au pair, or

• They show that our au pair was actually thinking of me as a person (a mom, a reader, a person with never too many sparkly pins, a person who loves Sweden)

Other gifts that I’ve loved have been little things that told me my au pair noticed what I needed and found little ways to add to the smoothness of daily life. For example, I got a Hello Kitty change purse to keep in the console of our station wagon, filled with quarters to use at the parking meters in town. Now, every time I refill it or take out a quarter for the meter, I thank the au pair who thought of this!

Host Moms, what kinds of gifts from an au pair would make you super-happy?

Share your comments, below. And, if you have any photos of such gifts, email them to me at mom@aupairmom.com and I’ll post them for everyone to enjoy.

The Christmas & Holiday season is now officially upon us — just in time to work off that second slice of pumpkin pie.

I think I’m finally figuring out how to do these seasonal celebrations — I’ve got the weekly countdown calendar planner out again. We’ve sent out party invitations and even bought cases of wine for celebrations from now to January 6th. I’m feeling psyched that I’ve got at least this part of our family life happily underway.

One benefit to accruing experiences over time is that you get better at things — but only if you remember what you learned before.

Last year I “learned” once again that  I can never seem to find my Advent Wreath for the 1st Sunday. So, last January I put in in a storage box with our Thanksgiving decorations and voila!! — Here it is, ready to go. I am pumped.

At AuPairMom we’re approaching our 4th Christmas / Chanukah / Kwanzaa / Ashura / Solstice season.

We’ve got three previous years of pretty useful discussion. I’ve summarized the big issues below. The links will take you to the conversations we’ve had in the past about these topics… you can read these convos for some great insights and suggestions.

Even though we have stores of wisdom in these posts and comments, sometimes we seem to want to have the conversations anew. (Why is that, I wonder?   — Is it because we just like sharing tips with each other? Is it that if we already figured it out we get to feel helpful, and there’s always someone new to the situation.)

So, for fresh conversations, here are two ideas.

• First, I’ll be posting some new polls so that we can see what folks are planning for this year. Next week we’ll poll on gift amounts and on-duty plans.
• Second, if you have a topic that you want us to address, shoot me an email at mom@aupairmom.com. I swear on my leftover turkey that I will read my au pair mom email (more) promptly and get those up for us to discuss.

If we summarize all the wisdom into a few key points, here they are:

1. Have a Master Plan. Share this with your au pair.

2. Imagine the cadence, rhythm, style of observance and spirit of your ideal family holiday. Share this with your au pair.

3. Explain your extended family. Explain who you’ll be with and what those people need from you & your au pair. Tell your au pair what to expect and now to behave.

4. Plan a gift giving strategy that includes your au pair. Give your au pair dollar limits and suggestions so that s/he doesn’t go crazy buying stuff.

5. Remember the little things — they might surprise your au pair and delight you.

6. Remember that holidays are opportunities for ‘cultural exchange’. They can be emotionally draining and emotionally rich– your approach will determine what you experience.

1. Master Plan

Have a master plan for your holiday celebrations and share this with your au pair!! Let her or him know the big picture as soon as possible, and put all the details that you can on your family calendar as soon as possible.

• Plan Ahead for the Holidays. How will your Au Pair celebrate with you?
• Poll: Will your AP be on-duty on Christmas?

2. Holiday Spirit & Religious Observance

Think about the qualities and spirit you’d like you family holiday time to express…. share these with your au pair so that s/he can support you in creating the holiday time that you hope for. Enroll her or him now in your vision– it’s the best way to make sure you’re all on the same page. And, be open to what your au pair might want to contribute from her or his perspective.

• On celebrating each other’s religious holidays

What about if s/he doesn’t celebrate Christmas and we do?
What about if s/he does celebrate Christmas and we don’t?

• Christmas Tip: Tell your Au Pair what your family believes about Santa

3. Talk about and prepare for holiday people and events outside your immediate host family.

• Mixing Grandparents and Au Pairs at the Holidays
• My Au Pair has Awful Table Manners
• Eating Out at Restaurants: Advice for Host Families and Au Pairs
• What to Wear? asks the Au Pair
• Temporary Eviction: Would you make your Au Pair stay somewhere else while you are on vacation?

4. Gift Giving   

• Holiday Gifts for Au Pairs
  

• Holiday Bonus, Tip, or End of Year Cash Gift? (Poll)
  
• How much should you tip your Au Pair at Christmas?
• Gift, Bonus or Tip: Call it what you want, but keep in mind….

• Christmas Tip: Tell your Au Pair what your family believes about Santa

5. Cultural Exchange

• How Can You Help Your Au Pair Feel at Home over the Holidays?
• Homesickness and your Au Pair: How you might help
  

6. Littler things to think about …

• Celebrate Your Au Pair’s First Snowfall!
• Christmas Tip: Make sure your Au Pair has a stocking

Let me know if there are new topics to discuss, and look for a new poll next week.

Host Parents: Be my päkapikud this holiday?

Images: Enchanted Forest Felt Christmas Trees from Balloon Highway, available on Etsy; Lazy Bear handmade felted Polar bear on Etsy, Polar Bear Pair also on Etsy, but I can’t find the link….

Here’s a poll to follow up on my vdiatribe…..

[This post addresses customs and Au Pair regulations in the USA. It may or may not be relevant to host parents in other countries.]

The amount of weekly pocket money (or stipend) that a host family is required to provide to an au pair is set by the Federal Government. Right now (as of Feb 2011) that amount is $195.75. Although the required amount is set, some host families offer their au pairs a stipend above the required amount… including rounding the amount up to $200, or even going beyond that by $30 to $50 extra a week.

What I recommend re: Pocket Money

Whenever I’ve been asked about stipends, I’ve always encouraged host families to keep to the required amount, or at most to round up to an even number. I think that host families do each other a disservice when they start to compete with each other (or try to stand out as a ‘better family”) by offering more pocket money. We don’t want au pairs to be “shopping” for a higher stipend– we want them to choose a family based on the criteria that will make them happy in the family day in and day out– and an extra $20-$50 a week won’t do this.

If parents think they have an exceptional situation, if they want to offer a bonus for good work, or if they want to give the au pair a cash gift, I recommend that they wait until a holiday, a birthday or the au pair’s departure– and treat these sums as ‘gifts’ not pay. Sure, whether it’s a gift or payment it’s still money, but it feels different when it’s a gift.

I’d love to know whether many other parents offer more than the stipend, and if they do, how much more they offer… So let’s take an unscientific poll.

Consider ONLY the constant, weekly stipend you give your au pair. Do NOT include money you might offer her for an occasional extra Saturday night babysitting, or for doing family laundry, or any other non-official work you might have negotiated together.

Also, do not include the amount of money that you (on a yearly basis) offer your au pair as either a gift or a bonus.

Now, consider extra cash– bonus, birthdays, etc. Don’t include cost of gifts that you purchase, or grocery allowance — we just want an es5timate of cash money in his or her pocket.

Dear AuPairMom-

I’m an au pair looking on websites to ‘prematch’ with an American family. My plan is to prematch, and then sign up with an official US agency so that I come over legally and within a program.

Before I looked closely at prematching websites, I thought the pocket money was the same for everyone (195.75). I have noticed that, on these websites, even families that intend to go through an agency, “advertise” higher weekly payments (300$-1000$). Meanwhile, other families are willing to pay the “normal” au pair weekly pay (195$-200$).

Now, I know that being an au pair is not about making money, but if a nice family is also willing to pay a little bit more (or a lot more) than the normal pocket money, it would make sense to consider them over a family paying the basic amount.

Do agencies care whether families offer more than the basic stipend? Does it tell me anything (good or bad) about a family if they offering a higher stipend?

Eliana

See also:

Extra Hours: What’s fair pay when you break this taboo?

Image: The Gobbler from roboppy
Casa de Carousel from radven

By popular demand, here’s a challenge to all you host parents:

Your challenge:

Offer ONE, just one, thing you wish you knew when you became a host parent.

If someone else has already offered your #1 bit of advice, go on to share your #2 bit of advice.

Let’s rack ‘em up, parents.

(Au pairs, you’ll get a turn next to offer advice to first-time host parents.)

Don’t Stop Believing by fernandosanchez on Flickr