Searching through the racks of Mother’s Day cards looking for something just right for my step-mom and mother-in-law, I noticed just how many Mother’s Day cards there are these days for people who aren’t mothers:

“You’re like a Mother to Me”
“To a special person on Mother’s Day”
“Celebrating you for all you do”

It made me wonder– how many host families get a card for their Au Pair on Mother’s Day?

In some ways, celebrating your chidcare provider on Mother’s Day is a bit offensive inappropriate. After all, a childcare provider isn’t a mother. Suggesting that s/he is in some way like a mother simultaneously demeans the role of the actual mother and demeans the role of the childcare provider.

Your childcare provider cares for your children in her or his own special way, without needing to be some kind of “mother substitute”.

Moreover, a Mother’s Day card for a childcare provider seems especially odd when that person is a man. It’s easier to presume that childcare is “like mothering” since it’s usually done by women. But that leaves out the loving care that Mannies offer.

Not to mention — a childcare provider isn’t a father substitute either. On Mother’s Day, we don’t celebrate fathers who are actively involved in childcare and ‘helping the mom out’, do we? So what does it say about how we think of ‘mothering’, if we’re offered cards for females who are not moms, but not for men who are not moms and dads who are not moms, yet who contribute to children’s physical and emotional care? But I digress…

On the other hand, though, it’s not like we have a Childcare Provider Day, Nanny Day, or Au Pair Day, when we all collectively celebrate the ways in which au pairs lovingly care for our children and contribute to their lives.

And with cards available to celebrate those “special people” on Mother’s Day, maybe we should just give in and use the day to be generous in our appreciation?

(Hello Hallmark? There’s an opportunity there.)

So let’s hear it Host Moms and Dads. 

I have a confession to make. My kids are 11 and 13, and I have never taken them to DisneyWhere. I probably never will.

I know, it doesn’t count that I *have* taken them to see WIcked on Broadway– I’m still a bad mom.

Worse, I don’t know much about the excitements and demands of a few days at Disney.

How can I offer any advice to the host mom who wrote us for advice specifically about taking her au pair with them on the family vacation? I have a lot to share about vacations (and I’ll do that in the next post) but this mom need advice from experts — you moms, dads and au pairs who’ve been there.

Here’s what I know:

• DisneyWhere is expensive. You’ll pay a lot of money for a ticket to bring your au pair if s/he’s on duty.

• Food is expensive, and you’ll have to pay crazy prices to keep your au pair and the kids hydrated and happy.

• Your au pair will have rides and attractions only s/he wants to see, and there will likely be times when your au pair wants to go of on her/his own.

• One or more of your children will have meltdown.

• One or more of the adults will get a headache, have terrible cramps, be afraid of the very rides the kids want to do twice, wonder if the bathrooms really are clean, and/or will worry about whether even DisneyWhere is a safe place to let go of the kids’ hands.

• In an effort to maximize the fun, there will be pressure to rush, compromise, and/or stay too long.

• You’ll have a wonderful time anyway.

If you have taken an au pair with you to DisneyWhere, and had him or her be ‘on duty’ while you are all actually inside the park, what has worked well for you?

If you’ve been to DisneyWhere without an au pair, when would you have wished for another adult’s help?

What Disney-related wisdom do you have to share?

Images: Disney dreaming Some rights reserved by Miss Kels

I ran into one of my friends while shopping at Williams-Sonoma this afternoon. I was supposed to be getting a Christmas gift for my BIL, but instead my arms were loaded with stuff to upgrade my own kitchen. What can I say? I really needed some pinecone place card holders… But I digress.

My friend was buying a fancy cookie press. Was she planning a cookie exchange, or a big Channukuh party?

Nope. She was getting the cookie press for her au pair.

Her German au pair has been baking up a storm, getting into the Christmas spirit, and pushing my friend’s pantry to the limit. The au pair mentioned, ever so casually, that a decent cookie 0press could make all the difference between yummy cookies and ‘yummy & beautiful’ cookies.

“Do you think she’ll like the gift,” I asked?

“Well, I’m not exactly sure it counts as a gift,” L. replied. “I admit it, I want her to be happy. And if baking cookies makes her happy, doesn’t it end up being a gift for me?”

Image: These pretty cookies were made by Sara at CaffeIna. Check out her blog, which is all about baking with kids (not as ingredients. As co-bakers.)

What will your au pair be doing this Christmas day?

If you have asked your au pair to be on duty and work during part of Christmas Eve & Christmas day, how did you present this plan to him or her?

Did you discuss it during matching, or months ago, or just this month as the holiday has gotten closer?

How did your au pair respond when you scheduled him or her for Christmas hours?

Did s/he not mind at all, feel relieved that s/he’d have something to do, or feel disappointed? Or something else?

What advice would you give to a first time host parent, for managing Christmas and an au pair’s work schedule?

Image: Bottle Brush Trees by Liz for sale on Etsy

If an au pair could make just one thing for a family who celebrates Christmas, I’d suggest something I call Ornaments of Rememberment.

Ornaments of Rememberment are ornaments that are pretty on their own, but that also have some special memory attached. Maybe it’s the ticket stub from the performance of The Nutcracker that you all attended, decoupaged on the back. Or, it’s little messages from the kids or the au pair, written on the back.

One thing I’ve seen and loved is a 12 Days of Christmas set, each ornament with a word describing the delightful traits of the host kids. Or, a whole memory!!

For example, “Celebrate Ciara’s Creativity — everything she makes is special.” or “Liam is so funny, just thinking about him making jokes makes us laugh.”

The idea here is that both the physical item and the written observation are treasures to a host parent, and eventually to the host kid being described.

I am in love with this little creature, a Holiday Owl Ornament, from Etsy, NatesMommyMadeIt

I’m so impressed that there are still 19, 22, or 29 shopping days left (depending on the holiday you celebrate), but many of you are already getting organized!

Right about when I posted the call for general gift ideas, we received this email from Au Pair MMC.

Her gift-giving situation adds four challenges–

• She needs a gift for an extended family member who lives with the host family.
• She needs suggestions for exchanging gifts with a family that is rather formal.
• She wonders what to get the household help (if anything?). And,
• Her family might have high expectations….

Hmmmm.

Here’s MMC’s email– what ideas can we offer her?

I’m very confused and over-whelmed right now, trying to figure out what gifts to give to the adults in my host family household. In this family’s culture, I’m tiptoeing on the fine line between employee and family member. That’s generally difficult in a country and culture that has a very strict division between the two, as this culture does.

Christmas is coming around soon, and I have no idea what is appropriate or expected of me for gift giving. Of course, I want to get presents for my boys, but I have always felt awkward about buying presents for married or attached men i.e. my host dad. I feel very inexperienced in manners and etiquette in this area.

Also, my host-mom’s brother also lives with us. He’s near my age, and we watch soccer and drink beer together and similar casual activities. I don’t know if I’m expected to get him a present also if I get one for everyone else. We also have household help that I’m very friendly with, but I don’t know if I’m expected to also get something for them.

My family is very kind, but they are a German-Dutch blended family. The German part is a little more formal, but my host dad is Dutch and is more casual. I don’t want to do anything untoward, but I’d like to get everyone presents.

Another problem is my host-family really has a lot of money, and it seems like they have everything they need. I want to get them presents they will enjoy, but I feel like nothing I can get for them will be good enough.

I would appreciate any suggestions. Thank you!

It’s time for little elves to get busy, making things to capture memories.

Writes an LCC –

I’m a counselor for a small group of au pairs and at our last meeting the question about Christmas gifts for host parents came up. They all want to give something meaningful, they understand that in most cases the host parents could easily buy themselves whatever they want. They know that most families would appreciate home-made thoughtful gifts, ideally something that involves their kids. I suggested a photo collage and some of the girls said that they were planning to make such a collage at the end of their year. I was wondering if you readers might be willing to share some gifts that they have received and appreciated from their au pairs.

Just thinking about the gifts I’ve received over the years makes me want to cry. (In a good way.)

I can never forget the Santa Lucia day breakfast, the daily devotional reader, the jewelry box, or the Hello Kitty toiletries travel set, not to mention the wreath made of cutouts of my girls’ handprints.

The gifts that I cherish the most have either one or both of these qualities:

• They help me remember joyous or otherwise special times with the kids and with our au pair, or

• They show that our au pair was actually thinking of me as a person (a mom, a reader, a person with never too many sparkly pins, a person who loves Sweden)

Other gifts that I’ve loved have been little things that told me my au pair noticed what I needed and found little ways to add to the smoothness of daily life. For example, I got a Hello Kitty change purse to keep in the console of our station wagon, filled with quarters to use at the parking meters in town. Now, every time I refill it or take out a quarter for the meter, I thank the au pair who thought of this!

Host Moms, what kinds of gifts from an au pair would make you super-happy?

Share your comments, below. And, if you have any photos of such gifts, email them to me at mom@aupairmom.com and I’ll post them for everyone to enjoy.

The Christmas & Holiday season is now officially upon us — just in time to work off that second slice of pumpkin pie.

I think I’m finally figuring out how to do these seasonal celebrations — I’ve got the weekly countdown calendar planner out again. We’ve sent out party invitations and even bought cases of wine for celebrations from now to January 6th. I’m feeling psyched that I’ve got at least this part of our family life happily underway.

One benefit to accruing experiences over time is that you get better at things — but only if you remember what you learned before.

Last year I “learned” once again that  I can never seem to find my Advent Wreath for the 1st Sunday. So, last January I put in in a storage box with our Thanksgiving decorations and voila!! — Here it is, ready to go. I am pumped.

At AuPairMom we’re approaching our 4th Christmas / Chanukah / Kwanzaa / Ashura / Solstice season.

We’ve got three previous years of pretty useful discussion. I’ve summarized the big issues below. The links will take you to the conversations we’ve had in the past about these topics… you can read these convos for some great insights and suggestions.

Even though we have stores of wisdom in these posts and comments, sometimes we seem to want to have the conversations anew. (Why is that, I wonder?   — Is it because we just like sharing tips with each other? Is it that if we already figured it out we get to feel helpful, and there’s always someone new to the situation.)

So, for fresh conversations, here are two ideas.

• First, I’ll be posting some new polls so that we can see what folks are planning for this year. Next week we’ll poll on gift amounts and on-duty plans.
• Second, if you have a topic that you want us to address, shoot me an email at mom@aupairmom.com. I swear on my leftover turkey that I will read my au pair mom email (more) promptly and get those up for us to discuss.

If we summarize all the wisdom into a few key points, here they are:

1. Have a Master Plan. Share this with your au pair.

2. Imagine the cadence, rhythm, style of observance and spirit of your ideal family holiday. Share this with your au pair.

3. Explain your extended family. Explain who you’ll be with and what those people need from you & your au pair. Tell your au pair what to expect and now to behave.

4. Plan a gift giving strategy that includes your au pair. Give your au pair dollar limits and suggestions so that s/he doesn’t go crazy buying stuff.

5. Remember the little things — they might surprise your au pair and delight you.

6. Remember that holidays are opportunities for ‘cultural exchange’. They can be emotionally draining and emotionally rich– your approach will determine what you experience.

1. Master Plan

Have a master plan for your holiday celebrations and share this with your au pair!! Let her or him know the big picture as soon as possible, and put all the details that you can on your family calendar as soon as possible.

• Plan Ahead for the Holidays. How will your Au Pair celebrate with you?
• Poll: Will your AP be on-duty on Christmas?

2. Holiday Spirit & Religious Observance

Think about the qualities and spirit you’d like you family holiday time to express…. share these with your au pair so that s/he can support you in creating the holiday time that you hope for. Enroll her or him now in your vision– it’s the best way to make sure you’re all on the same page. And, be open to what your au pair might want to contribute from her or his perspective.

• On celebrating each other’s religious holidays

What about if s/he doesn’t celebrate Christmas and we do?
What about if s/he does celebrate Christmas and we don’t?

• Christmas Tip: Tell your Au Pair what your family believes about Santa

3. Talk about and prepare for holiday people and events outside your immediate host family.

• Mixing Grandparents and Au Pairs at the Holidays
• My Au Pair has Awful Table Manners
• Eating Out at Restaurants: Advice for Host Families and Au Pairs
• What to Wear? asks the Au Pair
• Temporary Eviction: Would you make your Au Pair stay somewhere else while you are on vacation?

4. Gift Giving   

• Holiday Gifts for Au Pairs
  

• Holiday Bonus, Tip, or End of Year Cash Gift? (Poll)
  
• How much should you tip your Au Pair at Christmas?
• Gift, Bonus or Tip: Call it what you want, but keep in mind….

• Christmas Tip: Tell your Au Pair what your family believes about Santa

5. Cultural Exchange

• How Can You Help Your Au Pair Feel at Home over the Holidays?
• Homesickness and your Au Pair: How you might help
  

6. Littler things to think about …

• Celebrate Your Au Pair’s First Snowfall!
• Christmas Tip: Make sure your Au Pair has a stocking

Let me know if there are new topics to discuss, and look for a new poll next week.

Host Parents: Be my päkapikud this holiday?

Images: Enchanted Forest Felt Christmas Trees from Balloon Highway, available on Etsy; Lazy Bear handmade felted Polar bear on Etsy, Polar Bear Pair also on Etsy, but I can’t find the link….

Don’t you love getting holiday cards from friends, especially when the cards have a photo of their whole family? We have so many friends who live so far away that the only chance I get to see how their kids are growing is from the holiday card photos.  Plus, I love to put them on my fridge so that I think of my friends often.

It’s funny how different families have different concerns about the photos. Some families have posed, formal photos by a real photographer, others include a snapshot from an iPhone, and with a few you’ve just got to wonder who thought that picture should be seen in public…

If you are a family that sends out Holiday Cards AND you include a photo with those cards:

We’d love to hear how you approach this one…

Special Halloween Edition

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays to share with Au Pairs. Unlike some holidays, Halloween doesn’t seem to trigger a whole lot of nostalgia and homesickness. For au pairs who ‘do’ Halloween in their home countries, it’s a chance for her to share traditions from her culture. And, if your au pair is new to Halloween, you get to introduce her to all the fun.

Over the years, we’ve done a lot of different things as a family to celebrate the holiday and the season, adjusting as the girls have gotten older. Halloween is one holiday where including our au pair in whatever we’re doing has increased the fun every time. Here are some Halloween activities you might consider:

1. Get your Au Pair a costume. At our house, I’ve always encouraged our au pairs to “get in the spirit” by putting together a costume. We’ve done the purchased costume from Target, the costume assembled from the kids’ dress up chest, and the completely original cardboard box “creature.”    

2. Bring your au pair to a Halloween Party. My daughters’ school has an annual Fall Festival, with a haunted hallway and square dancing, and we’ve always dragged our au pairs along. In part this gets me another set of eyes to watch the girls run around the auditorium, but also it gets our au pairs out into the community to see the Halloween fun that goes beyond just the candy.

3. Have your au pair greet the trick-or-treaters. One of our greatest Halloweens was when our 6 foot tall au pair dressed up as a witch and stood on our front porch, surrounded by jack ‘o lanterns and big fake spiders. She kept absolutely still– looking like a Halloween decoration– and at the moment the trick-or-treaters’ feet hit our steps, she let out a wild cackle.

Kids in our neighborhood still talk about it. One of the best scares ever.

4. Enlist your au pair to help with the candy distribution and collection. Having our au pair be on duty for Halloween evening means that we can take turns being at home to hand out candy and walking around with the kids to collect treats. Being the person who answers the door lets your au pair see the whole variety of costumes and kids, while going around the neighborhood (sometimes) lets her see what other people’s homes are like (another cultural exchange).

5. Find some Halloween crafts for her to do with your kids — like making scary food for the preK party.

6. Bring your au pair to a pumpkin patch.

7. Teach your au pair how to carve a pumpkin. Teach her how to salt & toast the seeds. Please also teach her to keep her face away from the pumpkin while she carves. Safety first.

8. Ask your au pair to play math games with the kids as they count, divide and trade their candy.

9. Invite your au pair to watch “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” Explain to her why this show is/was such a tradition, and why it’s so sad. (This will also prepare her for traditions related to Charlie Brown’s Christmas, Rudolph, and The Grinch.)

What have you and your au pairs done to celebrate Halloween??