Have you ever been slightly envious of your au pair’s year of adventure?

There have been many times that I’ve wondered what I mgiht have been like had I been an au pair (or an exchange student) and had the chance to live somewhere so different, make different friends, try new things, and experiment with life while having the support of a host family and the exit strategy of going back home.

Those of us who’ve imagined how we’d make our own au pair year great, or who have had au pairs who have taken full (positive) advantage of their years, often wonder why more au pairs don’t have more enthusiasm for using their free time well.

Consider this concern from Annonymom-

How do host families deal with dumb off-duty decisions and behavior from an otherwise great AP?

We are finishing up our first year as a HF and we have a very good AP. The kids really like her, she shows up to work on time, clean and dressed and ready to work. She drives extremely well. She is polite, kind, interested in what we are doing and how our day goes. She helps around the house and unloads the dishwasher, does her own laundry and never complains about food. We really like her a lot and think of her as part of our family. As I write that, I think to myself – wow, really great AP…..but…..

I’m very disappointed by how she acts when she isn’t “on duty”.

Her friends and boyfriend are not nice people. The friends are all APs from her home country. The boyfriend is what I would call a loser (and is American). She does everything for him, he does nothing for her. And being significantly older than she is, he is going NO WHERE. She spends every weekend with him when he is not working and has not seen a single thing in our state (or out of state) since she met him 9 months ago.

In discussion about this topic, she says that she knows she doesn’t stand up for herself but sees nothing wrong in her choices.

I have two very impressionable children and am worried her “I will let you walk all over me if only you’ll be my friend” attitude will be realized and immitated.

So here is my question – how do other host families deal an AP when their off hours behavior when rubs them wrong way?
(For the record, we have already agreed to extend as she swears it is for the kids and not the friends…I hope she isn’t lying!)

Many thanks! Annonymomom

So parents and au pairs:

(How) Can host parents help Au Pairs use their free time (more) wisely?

See Also:
In Loco Parentis? Your Parental Responsibilities when your AP’s behavior challenges your values

image: Wrrr By kthrn Roadside Democracy by By Dead Air

One of my favorite moments as an au pair mom was the summer afternoon I came home to find my two year old in a diaper, my au pair in a bathing suit, both of them in the garden, covered in finger paint. They were having a blast.

This particular au pair, although very mature and studious, loved to play with my daughter. Finger paint, Thomas the Tank Engine, mud puddles, the whole deal. It made me so happy to see them play together.

Up until the point when my two girls got really involved in playing with each other and with their best friends- the boys next door (at around ages 5 & 7), I wanted our au pairs to get down and play with the girls. Not only is this more educational, and more fun, it is way more interesting than sitting there on the coach flipping through a magazine while they argue over who would get to use the red light saber.

The amount of time and dedication spent directly playing with the kids varied, though. Some au pairs want to play directly with the kids, while others prefer not to.

But if that’s what you as a host parent want, and what you as a host parent think is best for your kids, how do you help your au pair understand that s/he should flop down on the floor, pick up Edward, Bill, or Annie, and roll them around the track?

Here’s a question from Host Mom LL:

We have three young children – ages: almost 2, almost 4 and almost 6. We are on our third au pair and have liked all three girls reasonably well.

But, I have had one ongoing concern about our au pairs:
The girls all tend to want to sit and look on while the kids entertain themselves.

Now, – I know that would have to happen sometimes. I get tired and sit sometimes while my kids play. But ultimately of course I am looking for an au pair who will engage with them, play games with them, talk and sing with them, etc.

My husband always says, he doesn’t care what the au pair’s interests are, if she would just SHARE them with the kids. If you like to paint, paint with my kids. If you like sports, do sports with my kids.

I do not want my au pair to feel that I am spying on her, criticizing her, etc. And frankly, just criticizing someone never helps. So I am looking for more positive ways to approach this.

Should I ask her to write in a journal about what she did with the kids today? In the past this has not been as helpful as it sounds. “Played in sandbox” does not tell me whether she was actually playing with them or not. Should I take the time to make a list of activities and just ask her to do some of them each week (“Please do painting with Molly this week”) – which would be very time consuming for me but is possible?
That would also not guarantee her engagement with them, but it would at least ensure some variety of activities for my kids.

Or are my expectations too high?

Images:  “Sleeping” with Dolls from The Mooncake Box
(51/53): Play from Grums
Dylan and his Car from Extra Medium

When we have an au pair we really like, and even sometimes a so-so au pair, we start to think: Hey, maybe we should extend with this au pair… another 6, 9, or 12 months with the comfort of knowing what we’ve got, taking advantage our mutual investment in the relationship, keeping things stable for the kids, and avoiding the hard work of finding another au pair just as good.

We’ve also learned that deciding whether or not to extend, for both the host parents and the au pairs, includes a wild range of considerations, not just about family life, work load, and relationships with the kids, but also about education requirements, seeing the US, and fulfilling the au pair’s goals for her or his experience.

Since we’ve talked a bit about extensions from the Host Parents’ view, let’s turn it around and think about how an au pair might make his or her decision.

Here’s an email we got from an au pair, who has a great situation, and yet…. could use some thoughts on her decision-making process.

Should i extend?

People always tell me to listen to my gutfeeling.. but what if your gut lost its voice?

I’m an au-pair and have been with my family for 7.5 months. I love them. Most of the time.

Today they got a letter about searching for a new au-pair or extending with me. I know they want to extend. They say I’m the best au-pair they ever had. They have had 4 au-pairs before. They are just waiting for me, giving me time. I know the ball is all mine.

The thing is that everytime I start to think about the situation my tummy starts to hurt and I feel like crying. One thing I know for sure is that I want to work another year as an au-pair. But I’m not sure I want to stay here.

My family is great and my girl with special needs loves me so much! I have a great room, great car that I can use when ever I want. No curfew. Great counsellor, Great food situation (buy my own and give the family the receipt). Not many families would do that and be so okay with me experimenting in the kitchen. (I love to cook).

The only thing is the area where my host family lives. I hate it. I can’t get anywhere without a car, and there is no fun places to go. I live near nyc but that city is too big for me. My two friends are leaving and there are not so many au-pairs here.

And, I’m also curious how it would be in another family, with different kids and parents that are both at work (I have a stay at home mum now).

I know I would still enjoy it if I stayed. The family situation would be great, but I don’t know how my social life would be.
If I try to extend with another family I might end up with the worst hostfamily ever. With curfews, no friends and bad area as well.
Or I might not find another family and end up going back home. It’s a big risk. But still.. it could be perfect…

I don’t know if I should tell my host mum about my thoughts. Once I tell her I would feel weird if I changed my mind and decided to stay with them. Like they were a second choice or something. But I also feel bad not telling them. And If I said I want to extend, but not with their family, I know they will get hurt. This has been on my mind several month now. But now time is running out and I know they want an answere.. soon.

If only I knew what I wanted.

See also:

I firmly believe that working on your au pair relationship makes you a better parent, directly and indirectly. Any time you have to stop and reflect on your parenting principles and your priorities for your kid(s), you have the opportunity to become more mindful about what you’re up to with your family.

Here’s one of those questions that’s as much about parenting as it is about working with an au pair.

How much responsibility/freedom should we give to the AP’s for arranging playdates?

In general, I have given the option to coordinating schedules to the kids and my (great) AP, because they know what needs to be done during the week and all seems to have worked out.

My 2 kids have been having playdates with the same kids all the time. My older son (9) has a balance of playdates at our house as well as those at his established group of friends. My younger son (age 6) is more of a homebody and prefers to have his friends come to our house. Today though, a parent of a child that has come to our house a few times invited my son over to his house. The AP said “sure” and dropped my son at their house and returned home with my older son.

Reports from the playdate are very mixed … Dad (divorced) is a heavy smoker and was smoking around my son (I am an avid-anti-smoker) … my son exclaimed how smoke comes out of his nose when he breathes! My son also commented on the fact that Dad “Has his own Bar!” as if that was something super cool. When I asked what they did, he said they played a game where Dad tried to hit them with a stick while they ran away.

Perhaps I’m too protective, but I think I’ll be telling the AP that playdates with that child will be at our house in the future.

Other Moms around here suggested that I might have asked the AP to stay at the house for the first playdate. I don’t know that I would have done that myself (by 6 that seems like overkill), so feel it’s a bit of a double standard.

I’m thinking that I will discuss with the AP and not place any blame on her (she did text me about the arrangement as I had asked). I’m thinking, however, that in the future, I should be the one making arrangements for playdates with any “new” kids and “new” locations.

Activities at our house and “well established friends” are fine to continue as usual.

What does everyone else think? Thanks! OB Mom

Here’s what I think, as a place to start:

Playdates are a deceptively complex part of your Au Pair & kids’ world.

What looks like just a chance for you child to have some fun company comes with questions like:

• Is their house safe?
• Am I comfortable with the other family’s caregiver/ caregiver situation?
• Do they lock their handguns in a gun safe?
• Does my child actually enjoy the company of this child?
• Whose turn is it to host?
• Can I leave my child alone with these people?
• How might I discipline/feed/comfort the other kid if that seems warranted?
• Is anyone taking advantage of playdates to get some free baby sitting?
• Are the playdates being scheduled for the kids’ advantage or for someone else’s?

With all these questions, I think it’s important to come up with some explicit guidelines to help your au pair make playdates that work for your child and your family. When I say guidelines, I’m not talking about rules (e.g., no playdates at the pool) so much as I’m talking about principles.

For example, you might want to give your au pair something she can say as an “easy way out” when she feels like she’s being taken advantage of my some parent who wants to dump a kid with her. ….(“My host parents think that Sam needs more downtime, so I’m scheduling fewer playdates. May I call you when he’s ready?”

Here’s what we’ve got in the sample Guidelines about playdates:

• Take charge of arranging playdates. You can be the authority with regard to planning activities.
• Put all playdates on the calendar to avoid scheduling conflicts.
• Only agree to have someone come over if it makes sense and feels comfortable to you and to the children.
• Also, only schedule playdates for days in the children don’t have other activities, and make sure that the children do their homework and their music practicing before the play begins.

What else do you recommended? How can you help your au pair make playdates that work for everyone?

When you comment, if you are an au pair please let us know so that we can appreciate your perspective.

See also: Scheduling your kid(s) week: Can the AP be in charge?
IBoy With Stick 2 from jemsweb

Here is a tip for both host parent and au pairs alike:

Schedule transition time, with explicit overlap between when the au pair and the parent (or other caregiver) switch who’s ‘on duty’.

Back when I worked as a manufacturing manager I always had to be there for “shift overlap”, when the outgoing shift would brief the incoming shift about how the operations had been running that day. Many times these meetings were boring (‘hey, we’re a little low on pallets on the second floor, blah blah’). And frankly, I wanted to get home after 10 or more hours watching bars of soap get wrapped and put into cartons. But then there would be that one day when problems had arisen, that had to be solved, and that required both shift teams to make changes in their operation. Because I was there, I could listen, understand, facilitate, help to solve the problem. Whew.

The Problem of the Quick GetAway

A few host parents have mentioned how annoyed they become when they arrive home from work to find their au pair standing at the front door, car keys in hand, ready to race off to Starbucks or elsewhere, at the end of her work day.

From an emotional perspective, we might feel annoyed b/c this behavior makes it seem like our au pair doesn’t really like our kids (or us) and can’t wait to get away from them. From a managerial perspective, the au pair’s plans for ‘immediate departure’ means we can’t have a good conversation about how the day went, and what has to happen next.

Au pairs, too, might feel annoyed when parents race off to work without discussing what’s for dinner, and without mentioning that the cable repair guy is coming (along with a pair of unicorns).

The problem with a quick getaway is that it leaves no time for sharing information.

I think it makes sense, then, to schedule in some dedicate time for overlapping and sharing news of the day. This would be in addition to (and not really a replacement for) a longer meeting.

I would actually write this in on our weekly plan, since I often have needed to schedule an au pair for an entire 45 hours. Others might prefer to have these 10 or 15 minutes just be part of the gray area if your scheduling is more informal. In either case, it’s important to keep the total time within the guidelines.

Let your au pair know that overlapping time at ‘shift change’ is an explicit expectation, and that a good, short conversation at the end of a work day is part of doing a good job.

You can also help to make this time something your au pair and you look forward to. It might be the moment you jot a funny story down into your mom notebook (the one you keep with the unicorns). And, it might also be the time your reinforce to your au pair what a great job she is doing.

Either way, make sure that you *plan* for even just a short time together. Take this little bit of time to make sure life and relationships run smoothly.

See Also:

How to improve your Au Pair relationship in just one minute
3 Ways to be a Great Host Parent

Pocket Watch Clock from Svadilfari

Although this blog is not really for au pairs, there are times when other host parents are the best folks to offer advice to an au pair. This particular situation is a tough one, since the problem concerns how the Host Dad treats his son, and how (or even whether) the Host Mom and the au pair can change the situation.

Au Pair Lucy recently wrote with a question about some dynamics with her Host Dad that are turning out to be quite difficult. She’d like our thoughts about what to do.

Hi I’m an au pair in France, currently in my seventh month with the same family. I feel like I got so so lucky with this family and I’m really happy with everything, except with the Host Dad.

I feel like the Host Dad is really really negative towards his eldest son. I cannot handle it anymore. The child has difficulty taking care with his handwriting, and I’m always next to him helping with his homework and reminding him to take care with his handwriting. He has been getting punishments because of this, so I try to make him do his best at all times. One day he had taken so much care with his handwriting and I was so proud, I told him to go show his father, who was playing video games in the room next-door. His father refused to pause the game to look at his son’s work, and what’s more, called him selfish for it, and he came back into the room to me in tears.

I really can’t understand how someone could have decided to have a child, which he did, the children were planned, and treat them like that?

The father has blown up at the child, 8 years old, quite a few times over these past 7 months.

I really feel like, as an au pair, I can’t say that I disagree with how he treats his children. I feel like that is a conversation that would ruin my relationship with the family, whom, apart from him, I absolutely adore! On the other hand I can’t sit back and let him abuse a child emotionally, because I feel like that is what he is doing.

Do you have any advice for me about this situation?

Start with the Host Mom ?

SInce the first thing I’d advise would be to talk with the Host Mom, I wrote Lucy back to aks her if she’d done this already, and what had come of it. Lucy replied:

My Host Mom evidently has spoken about this with the father, because she mentioned to me that he would be making an effort to be less hard on his son.

Which worked for about a month, around Christmas, when all their family was around, but he no longer seems to be making the effort.

And I feel bad for my Host Mom because I’m pretty sure she knows how I view the situation, and I feel like she is trying to please everyone. She doesn’t contradict her husband, then she has to comfort her son and then reassure me that she is not ok with what is going on. It really isn’t fair on her, so I don’t know if I could bring it up with her, I feel like she has enough pressure as it is.

Having an au pair around has usually helped me be a better mom. I’ve wanted to be a good role model, and frankly also not embarrass myself. I have occasionally been aware that having my au pair around has prevented me from acting out my own worst Mom behavior. And, I’ve also been embarrassed to not have acted as warmly towards my kids or my spouse in front of (not to mention away from) my au pair.

But, other than being told that I wasn’t teaching my kids enough about Jesus, I’ve never had to respond to implicit or explicit criticism from an au pair.

So, I wonder what the best way is to:

• Protect the Host Child
• Support the Host Mom and Host Dad in better behavior
• Kindly confront the Host Dad

Parents and au pairs, what should Lucy consider?

Temple of Philae, Dec 2008 – 27 from Ed Yourdon

Green Pencil by Pink Sherbet Photography (D Sharon Pruitt)

Okay Au Pairs– It’s your turn to chime in… and share the au pair side of the ‘part of the family’ equation.

What does it mean to you to be "part of the family"?

What do host families do that helps you feel "part of the family"?

What do host families do that takes away from feeling "part of the family"?

/

family photo by MontanaRaven on Flickr

I heard this one ‘thru the grapevine’ over the picnic table tonight– and just so you know, I got irked on the host mom’s behalf, even though I don’t know her!!

Here’s the situation:

This family’s au pair has a little bit more than a month left before she leaves (for home or for a 13th month, I don’t know). The au pair announced to the host mom that, as of yesterday, she (the au pair) will no longer work on weekends. "I have too much to do," the au pair claims. The host mom has her own plans for the next five weekends, and these included having the au pair be ‘on duty’… the au pair only works 25-30 hours during the week. So, now the host mom has gotten a back up babysitter (at $11-$12 an hour!) to watch the kids for the event she is attending next Saturday night.

What would you do if you were in this host mom’s situation? In addition to sitting down with the au pair and telling her that this is not acceptable, AND in addition to calling in the LCC ….

Well, we’ve come to the end of the very first annual

International Au Pair Appreciation Week!

Thank you to  the host moms and dads who sent in the stories for the Au Pair Appreciation posts this week.

Thank you to all of you who commented on the stories, offered snippets of your own stories, and helped us acknowledge the range of ways that these au pairs added to the lives of their host families.

Thank you to readers who sent a link to AuPairMom to other host families. And,

Thank you to all of you who read these posts and then were more appreciative of what you have been able to create with your own au pairs within your own families.

Myself, I’ve been thinking about our great au pairs and what it was with each of them that my family and I enjoyed so much.

• Was it Clara’s kindness and sensitivity when I had to tell the girls that their beloved grandfather had died? Or the way she woke the girls up every morning with a cuddle and a smile?
• Was it Sandrine’s naughty influence on my two year old, where they splashed together in puddles and finger-painted each other in the garden?
• Or how Margit dressed the baby in ribbons and bows, lots of them, at once?
• Was it Collette’s abundance of love, for everyone and everything?
• Or the way Anusha pretended to like the cats becuase the girls loved them so?
• Was it Daiva’s effort to teach the girls everything she could?
• Maybe, Leisel’s interpretive dance concerts in the playroom?
• Or, Krishnie’s way of creating calm and competence in any situation?
• Could it be Elrina’s indomitable spirit and the way she embraced every day as a new opportunity?

Well, it is all of those things, and more.

Most of all, what I appreciate about our au pairs is their willingness to come into our lives, share the craziness, and add to the love. Thank you to all of you for what you have given our family.

And Thank You
to all of you au pairs, for working hard to care for our kids, to contribute to our families, and to share your adventure with us.

Comments are still open, if you want to add one last appreciation!
Photo by Erica Marshall of muddyboots.org
"…love and you will do wonderful things in the world" available from LivingstonandPorter on Etsy.

Au Pair Appreciation Week is our chance as host moms and dads to celebrate what we enjoy the most about having au pairs in our family lives.

Although moms and dads who ask for advice here on AuPairMom are occasionally accused of being grumpy, demanding, and/or hard to live with, we all know that we wouldn’t even BE host moms and dads if we didn’t believe that having an au pair could be a great experience. After talking with and hearing from so many host families, I firmly believe that behind every bad au pair story there are dozens of happy au pair stories just waiting to be told.

Au Pair Appreciation Week is your chance to share those stories– to tell your own and to hear those of other host families.

3 Options for Sharing "Appreciations"

We have some great participants on this site who love to write, and from whom we can expect some lovely stories. But also, there are lots of host parents who might prefer a shorter, more concise mode of sharing. And, there are  host parents probably prefer pictures to words.  For APAW we’ll have three different options for sharing what you appreciate about your au pair.

1. Tell us a story about something that your au pair did for you, your kids, your family, or anyone else. Enjoy the opportunity to tell us as much as you want, however you want to, anywhere between 50 and 500 words. Depending on how many stories we receive, I’ll either set them up as one big post, or unfold a series of happy stories over the course of APAW.

2. Share just one characteristic, action or vignette, but this time in the short form. You can have more that the 140 characters of twitter, but you can make it as short as a paragraph.

3. Send in a photo, with a brief caption.

Rules of APAW:

1. Only host parents and host kids may participate.
(LCCs and Au Pairs, we’re gonna do something different for you later in May.)

2. You may submit as many appreciations as you like– but please make each appreciation about only one au pair at a time. Let each girl have her own appreciation (unless it’s some kind of special case).

3. Your appreciation can be for your current au pair, a former au pair, or another au pair you know.

4. If you use your au pair’s name or likeness, you must have her explicit permission to share it. Probably best to use a pseudonym, especially if you want to surprise her with a little public praise.

5. Your real name and email address must be part of the submission. However, I will only publish your name if you ASK ME to. Otherwise, you will be anonymous. You’ve gotta opt in to become an AuPairMom celebrity host parent, okay?

6. By virtue of sending it to me in an email, you’re allowing me (CV Harquail) to publish your story, paragraph and/or photo here on AuPairMom.

7. Remember that computer glitches and stuff might get in the way of this being super-efficient. Let’s see how it goes.

How to submit your appreciations:

– Submit your appreciation via email to mom at AuPairMom dot com

– Please put APAW in the subject so that I can sort submissions easily from my other email.

– Put your story in the BODY of the email text, not as an attachment.

– Put the caption of your photo in the body of the email text, and make your photo an attachment.

– Submissions may be sent anytime between now (April 24th) and May 6th. Send some soon so that I can queue them up and be ready to let loose the love on May 1st.

Prizes

I probably should offer some prizes… though I’m still waiting for the 100th subscriber so that I can give away the Pretty Bluebird Checkbook Cover… Can we just say that the prizes will be the experience of appreciation that au pairs will have, by hearing stories from us?

Questions? Anything I forgot? Anyone want to make us a pretty APAW button or banner? Let me know.

I cannot wait to hear from you!