Would you match with a candidate who told you that she’d been treated for anorexia, and was currently healthy and in recovery?

(Keep in mind that being “in recovery” for an anorexic is like being ‘”in recovery” for an alcoholic, in the sense that you are never “over it”, but always in the process of learning how to be healthy.)

Many host parents would like to avoid having an au pair with an eating disorder. We are concerned about the challenge that eating disorders would raise for our au pair, our kids, and ourselves.

For an au pair with an eating disorder, moving to a new country with different foods, being on your own, and being homesick can exacerbate current problems. And, it can be difficult to get treatment for an eating disorder while you are also being an au pair.

For host families, eating disorders raise a red flag. We want au pairs who are healthy– physically and emotionally — because the year of an au pair is already so challenging. Also, we host parents often feel at a loss around the topic of eating disorders– we know that they can be difficult to diagnose, difficult to ‘cure’, and difficult to live with.

As parents, we want our children to have healthy relationships with food, and we hope that our au pairs can help model good eating habits (and not model horrible habits) for our kids. And, for many of us parents, food and weight-related issues are things that we struggle with personally, so we wonder if we can really be helpful.

Since we’ve discussed food issues so much on this blog, our au pair readers know that food and nutrition are concerns for many host parents.

What food-related personal issues are too much for a host parent to consider?

Here’s a question from Carla, an Au Pair candidate currently in the matching process:

Dear Au Pair Mom Readers,

I have a question, a tough one actually. I am an aupair to be, I’m now in the matching process and have already been contacted from different families, some of them – well, one specifically – I really really like.
We are now into the “email exchange/skype” step, and have already shared quite a bit of information about each others.

I’ll get down to the nitty: I am a 20 years old girl who has been having an eating disorder for several years now, well, almost 10 years to be honest. I know, it’s kind of a huge “red flag”… I can almost see your faces right know. And I can almost hear your comments “neeext”.

I don’t blame you.

Eating disorders are a very complicated issue, and most people don’t know much about them. Which is the reason why I’m asking this question: Should I talk about that while in the matching process – or ever?

Ok, I know how does it sound. I already feel bad just thinking about lying (or hiding…whatever… it’s pretty much the same to me) before even having started. The thing is, and please don’t think its too pretentious from me, I know I would be a great AP. I have even been told so from some of the hostmoms reading this blog after sharing with you some ideas I have for next year.

I genuinly love kids, I have lots of experience, I’m a self starter, a hard worker; and I’m very mature and responsible due to a “family history” that made me grow a lot. Yes, I have a problem with food which goes way beyond food. But I’ve been working insanely hard to keep my life from falling apart due to this and keep up to the “standards” I wanted for myself. I’ve done great with school and put lots of effort in being the best person I could be, always, even if it was 100 times more difficult for me than for people who were luckily healthy.

As it usually happens, many people who are around me didn’t even noticed the problem for quite a long time, as people with eating disorders (except from Bingers) are usually very good at hiding the problem to almost anyone else. I tried lots of treatments and therapies (in and outside the hospitals), and I’m now in a sort of “compromise” I reached after the last therapy.

I am not in life danger and I’m pretty sure I won’t be ever again. I am physically healthy enough to well handle every chore I’ll be asked to do, from childcare to sport tutoring to housekeeping. (otherwise, I would be the first one not even trying to apply to the program). The problem (which, as said, is now in a “down” period that’s hopefully gonna last forever), is not aesthetically evident, which means I’m not obese nor dangerously skinny.

I would never EVER act in any unhealthy way with the hostkids or the hostparents, I know for sure I would not expose them to eating disorder habits such as not eating or being hyperactive, and I know this because I know the problem and I know myself and – as said before – I wouldn’t even try to apply if I knew I was putting someone else in danger, especially talking about children.

I am overall an happy person, very smart, patience, loving, willing, active, reliable. I am always smiling, I have a genuine concern for others, I have plenty of true friends and a great relationship with my family and my siblings; but yes, there is this “black hole” I’m dealing with since I was 10 years old. I didn’t choose to get sick. And struggling with this problem made me a better person and surely a stronger one. I can feel I am way more mature than most people my age and luckily I have always been clever enough to retrieve everything my illness was trying to steal from me, from high school diploma to competitive sports and social life.

The point is, I am terrified… I really wouldn’t like to start the relationship with my HF hiding something (even though I know it wouldn’t affect my job), also because in my HF shoes, I know I’d rather know something like that. But then again, luckily most people don’t know much about eating disorders so I am afraid (well, not just afraid, more like pretty sure) most families would just screen me out from the candidates because of that. I hate not being honest, and this thing is freaking me out.

But I really like this family and I don’t wanna mess this up. I know this might sound selfish, but I want this experience so badly… I’ve worked for it, I’ve been studying english very hard, worked to save money, took child safety classes and stored up any kind of childcare experience I could find. When you have an illness that challenges you in so many ways, you have to put the double of effort in everything you do, and damn it, it IS hard. That’s why lots of people with this kind of problems just let themselves go. I’ve worked very hard pretty much my whole life not to let this happen.

I don’t want anorexia stealing me this opportunity too, ’cause I’ve earned every single step that brought me here.

I would really appreciate some advice from either HF and AP. I am really concerned about that and I have no one else to turn to.

I know it’s a little long. Ok, maybe too long. But it really is a tough question and a complicated issue that would have been difficult to explain even in my own language. I really hope you can post it all on your blog and hopefully give me some advice about that.

I know that there are many prejudices and some simple misunderstandings about eating disorders. I can understand that people who aren’t that familiar with eating disorders might think that a candidate who is afraid to bring this issue up might be a selfish or dishonest “princess”, a person who’s willing to lie about something like that just to get to the usa. This is not the situation for me. Also, some people think that “anorexia” is really just for “young ladies who refuse to eat just to stay skinny”. Just for the record, I wish anorexia would really be just about that. Maybe the fact that it all begins on a 10 year old kid will help people understand that eating disorder are way beyond looks. It’s not about how you look or about being a shallow person– it’s an illness, and it’s an illness I didn’t choose or create on purpose.

I really hope someone can give me advice about how to share what needs to be shared, so that I can find a host family and be a really great au pair for them.

Thank you very much for your time.

Families, and au pairs, please offer your suggestions gently.

AuPairMom is a place where we host parents (and au pairs) can talk about issues that only other host parents and au pairs can understand. Often, these issues are tough ones that touch upon cultural differences, style differences, political differences, and deep personal preferences. Every now and then, we get a topic that we want to pretend doesn’t exist, because the most honest answers can be embarrassing. We want to be honest in our conversation, and we don’t want to be flamed by other readers. So, we start conversations like this one by agreeing up front to avoid passing judgment.

Here is a touchy issue: How an au pair’s weight influences whether or not you’d want to match with her or him.

A host mom writes in wanting to hear other Host Parents’ opinions on matching with obese Au Pairs. If some of us are honest with ourselves, we might find that we have opinions about this topic that will offend others. Please let’s create a safe space to tell the truth, and to listen to each others’ truth, without passing judgment on what others say.

In end, each of us has to match with an au pair we can feel comfortable with, and who can feel comfortable with us. Sometimes, this means choosing to fit your preferences and prejudices. If you don’t want an au pair from a different religious background, or a particular language group, or who is sexually active (or not), or is a vegan or Kosher  — it’s your house and your family.

The point is– it’s best to know and understand what we want and what we don’t want, so that we give our au pairs a fighting chance to fit in, create strong relationships, and have a good year.

With these thoughts in mind, here’s the question:

How do you feel about matching with an au pair who is obese?

From a Host Mom: I am currently looking for a replacement AP. This time of year, the pool is very thin (fodder for another post perhaps? How your date of matching affects your choices.) I have actually registered with 3 different agencies in order to improve the chances of finding someone suitable. Right now, no one is looking fantastic, but at least on paper, some are passable. However, in many cases, the candidates who are otherwise suitable (swimmers, good drivers, decent language grasp) are very overweight to morbidly obese.

I am really reluctant to match with a candidate who is not a normal, healthy weight for several reasons:

1)       I fear that she may not have the energy, athleticism, interest or ability to do all the crazy physical things that are involved with entertaining 2 active little girls outdoors every day.

2)       I fear that she will not be able/interested to model appropriate eating behaviors (moderation, healthy food choices) that are so important with small kids.

3)       I fear that she will be self-conscious about her body and this will lead to her being reluctant to get into a swim suit daily during the summer. One girl who did have a swimming picture was wearing Bermuda shorts and a t-shirt (not allowed at our rec center or the Y)

4)       I fear that it may impact her ability to build a social circle. All the APs from my cluster are currently normal weights. They tend to go out together and get dressed to the 9s (think short skirts, tank tops and high heels). I worry that an AP who doesn’t/can’t fit into that aesthetic is going to be left behind a lot.

5)       I worry that her weight issues, potential body loathing, weird dieting habits (if present) will be bad for my kids in general. I grew up with a mom who yo-yo’d for years and it definitely gave me body image issues. I have worked VERY hard to learn to eat right and keep a normal weight. And so with my children, I’ve been very careful about not exposing them to the same behaviors (constant dieting, derogatory comments about my body,etc) that gave me a complex. I don’t want someone else doing it.

Finally, I make my living trying to help chronically obese people achieve a normal weight. I don’t want to spend all day doing this and then come home and do it again. I know that this can be a lifelong struggle for some and coming to America is unlikely to make it better for these girls (how many times have you seen APs easily pop on 15-20 lbs?). I realize that I may miss some otherwise good Au Pairs; I just don’t think I can overcome this “prejudice”.

I’d love to hear from HMs who’ve had experience either way and from HMs who do or don’t use this as a screening criteria.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

Be gentle. Off we go….

Dear AuPairMom Readers –

What do you do when your (otherwise great, fabulous) AP has ATROCIOUS table manners – think smacking and chewing sounds not even heard at a trucker convention! Chews with mouth open, talks with mouth full of food, slurps drinks, smacks lips when chewing….it is REALLY LOUD.

It is also setting a really bad example for my kids, who have pretty good table manners. My own boys (ages 6 to 14) use silverware not fingers, put their napkins on their laps, ask nicely for things to be passed, ask to be excused from the table, clear their place, don’t drink and eat at the same time, chew with their mouths closed. (Okay, this is 90% of the time, the other 10% I am reminding them of specific manners).

The point is, my DH and I have gone to a lot of trouble to teach our boys good table manners. So it is appalling when I’m telling 6yo – don’t make noise when you eat – and AP is next to him making loud smacking noises with every chew of the cud!

I must stress that this AP is otherwise great. Her other manners, away from the table, are good (she says please, thank you, she’s considerate, etc.) She just seems to have missed the memo on table manners.

I’m aware that part of this may be cultural, and that what passes for good manners at home may not be working for her here.

I also concerns me that her manners don’t offer a good model for the boys. I can’t tell them not to talk with food in their mouths while she’ll telling a story through a mouthful of… well let’s not get into it.

Also, her manners are likely to make a bad impression anywhere else in North America, not just at our family table.

In truth, crewing with her mouth open, smacking her lips, and so make my stomach turn. Our family eats together with our AP five nights a week at least, and there is no way to avoid noticing her manners.

How can I bring this up? How much can I say?

E. Post

Dear Emily,

Once I had shared a grad student office with a perfectly nice Finance student from X, who, when he had a cold, would snuffle up and swallow– or spit into the waste basket — all his snot. When I had a cold, I would quietly blow my nose into a kleenex, and fold it up and put it in the wastebasket. Two very different strategies, and his grossed me out.

Turns out, another grad student told me, that for a X guy to blow his nose into a tissue, and to blow it more than once into the same tissue, seemed gross to him. Who wants to touch a tissue damp with snot? My office mate was grossing me out, and I was grossing him out.

How did I handle it?

I traded offices with another grad student. [ Note, I don't know what exactly is considered polite to do with mucus if you are a X male.] The point is, we each thought we were acting politely.

Okay so maybe that story has grossed you out. Maybe it’s a digression. Maybe it just creates space for me to get in another cat picture.

I think it’s okay for you to tell your au pair that you’d like to share with her what Americans think are good table manners, and ask her to model them for your boys. As we all know, what’s polite is culturally determined, and it’s perfectly okay to ask her to practice common American manners.

We feel fine asking our au pairs to drive on the right side of the road and to sunbathe topless only in the back yard, because we can explain that these choices are not good or bad, they are just ‘what people do here’ and so that’s how we do it too.

Also, things like table manners, phone manners, and greeting & salutation manners, are the easy things to learn so that you can flex into many cultures. Similarity (and okay, conformity) to these conventions are what help you create a space to participate in the culture.

And, it never hurts to emphasize that it’s about teaching the kids what’s right to do in the USA….

Other thoughts Parents? APs?

See also:
Hello? Your Au Pair needs good “phone manners”
Is it Cultural, Generational, or just Me?

]]> http://AuPairMom.com/my-au-pair-has-awful-table-manners/2010/12/02/celiaharquail/feed/ 18 http://AuPairMom.com/eating-out-at-restaurants-advice-for-host-families-and-au-pairs/2010/11/11/celiaharquail/ http://AuPairMom.com/eating-out-at-restaurants-advice-for-host-families-and-au-pairs/2010/11/11/celiaharquail/#comments Thu, 11 Nov 2010 21:57:25 +0000 cv harquail http://AuPairMom.com/?p=4529

Our rocking, sane and helpful conversation about all things related to food at home has emboldened me (and maybe you) to tackle a specific food situation– eating out at restaurants.

I’m thinking about the evenings when no one has the energy to cook and you’re tired of pizza, or when you’re dining ‘on the road’ or on vacation, or when Grandma wants to treat on a weeknight.

(I am not talking about taking your au pair our to dinner as a special treat or celebration for the au pair.)

Meals out at restaurants can be awkward situations for Au Pairs if they don’t know what the cost and volume conventions are in your family.

They may be very conscious, or blithely unaware, but either way, you need to set the stage so that your au pair knows what to do.  Even when an au pair can translate and recognize items on the menu, it can be easy for him or her to trip over an unspoken expectation about what your family usually orders, and what your family usually spends, in a restaurant.

Does your family always order a side salad, no matter how much it costs, to make sure everyone gets a vegetable? Do you share a Bloomin’ Onion family style or each get your own appetizer? Or, do you skip desserts almost always to save money and calories?

For Host Families, the restaurant situation can be sensitive, once again because it’s easy to see (and be surprised by) how much having an additional adult (your au pair) can add to your out-of-pocket costs. (I’m still getting adjusted to my 12 year old shifting off of the kids’ menu. Buying chicken in non-nugget form is a good bit more expensive, I’m discovering.)

You can also find yourself resenting the au pair who orders a first course, a second course, a dessert, and a fancy mixed drink, while you’re having the Caesar salad without chicken. Without fries. Without dessert.

There is one really significant rule for host parents when it comes to taking au pairs to a restaurant:

Only take an au pair to a restaurant where you can afford to buy him or her a full-sized entree and a non-alcoholic beverage.

If you can’t afford to have your au pair choose the second most expensive item on the menu, think again about the restaurant you’re going to. It’s probably better to economize with a less fancy atmosphere but more flexibility on what can be ordered (e.g., maybe a Red Robin instead of an Outback Steak House).

Other recommendations:

• Tell your au pair what you expect to order yourselves.

She will probably use that as a guideline for ordering her own meal.

“I’ll probably get the roasted veggie panini ($8.99) with a side of haricot vert ($3.99) and DH will probably order the chicken-fried steak ($17.99) because he works out 6 days a week and can actually metabolize that.”

This gives your au pair a hint– target cost of each adult’s meal will be between $13 and $18. The $29 New York Strip is probably out of bounds, but restricting his or her order to the chicken satay appetizer ($4.99) is probably unnecessary.

• Tell your au pair directly what he might want to order, in terms of courses and extras.

He’ll take the lead if you all order appetizers, but might not know if you plan to skip straight to entrees.

“We’ll get a Bloomin’ Onion to share, but since that only really serves two, why don’t you pick out an appetizer that looks good to you?” or “If five of us share a Bloomin’ Onion, we all get a taste and still have room for those ribs. Mmm.”

• Before you actually go out to a restaurant, tell your au pair what to expect.

You want to make sure that he or she doesn’t hold back and order too little, or choose something s/he really won’t like, all to save a few bucks when that is not necessary.

We explicitly state in our family handbook that we will never take our au pair to a restaurant that we can’t afford, unless we are in some weird travel situation where we apply the F.H.B. dictum to keep the cost reasonable.

Talk about restaurants and expectations before you actually go out for a meal, so it doesn’t look like you were attacked by the stingies when your au pair orders the lobster tail and you recoil in horror.

• Be ready to hold back yourself, if necessary, to make constraints seem somewhat fair.

We sometimes have problems with wine when we dine out. DH loves a nice Cabernet, and would prefer a $35 bottle of wine to a $20 bottle if he could get away with it. But if he’s unwilling to share it freely with our au pair (if she is not driving, is old enough to drink, and likes wine), then he has to order something less expensive. It just seems too mean for him to drink a fine vintage if she’s only allowed to have a glass of ‘house wine’, the kind from the cardboard box that they pour behind the bar.

Remember that eating out — regardless of where– can still feel like a special treat for the whole family.

Other restaurant tips and stories? Please share!

See also:

Why is managing food for an Au Pair so hard?
Food and your Au Pair: A smorgasbord of advice

Why do we have so many comments, questions and challenges with this one?

We already know that:

• food is love
• food is cultural
• healthy food is important
• we must distinguish between everyday food and special food
• we need to be explicit if any foods are off limits to the au pair
• we need to allow for some purchases just for the au pair
• we want him or her to respect the cost of food and not take it for granted
• we can’t use food as a way to punish or reward our au pairs
• we want her or him to adjust to the family’s general food patterns (e.g., frequent vegetarian meals, few processed foods, no diet shakes, etc.).

But, even with all this wisdom, why does food continue to be a challenge?

Here are some thoughts:

1. Having an au pair (or any other new adult in the household) interrupts the food-related patterns we’ve gotten into, and it’s a drag to readjust. Every year.

Most families have a pattern of grocery buying, a pattern that has been shaped incrementally over the years by family preferences, children’s growing appetites and favorites, and distinctions between kids’ food and parents’ food.

Grocery shopping lists change in yearly cycles– it may seem obvious when stated, but the seasons influence what I cook, what amounts of food we need, and what types of food we buy. Those strawberries I got for 2.99 back in August? They are 4.99 or more now– something I know, but kids and au pair do not. So, I won’t buy 3 quarts at a time, leaving others to complain that I’m not getting enough strawberries.

Having our patterns get interrupted is annoying. An au pair interrupts these patterns, and by the time we get the au pair into our family’s groove they’re gone, and a new au pair is here.

2. Groceries are a very visible expense.

While we can be annoyed by lights left on in the au pair room, or by very long showers, it’s not like there’s some kind of machine adding up the incremental costs. But with groceries, you can see that the fancy chocolate is gone, that the meat for tomorrow’s dinner was eaten for lunch, and that buying two additional halibut steaks adds another $12-16 to the bill.

3. Au Pairs can’t be expected innately to know, and automatically to adjust to, the financial realities of groceries.

Au Pairs have little to no idea how much food actually costs in the US of A. If they even know how to figure out a unit price, they might not know what’s “expensive” and what is “inexpensive”. They can’t tell that the two chicken breasts they cooked for lunch cost as much as 8 chicken thighs for tomorrow’s stew. S/he has no idea what’s an expensive treat and what’s cheap. An au pair can’t read your mind about the tradeoffs you are making, like not buying strawberries in January and getting seedless grapes instead.

In the bigger picture, Au Pairs don’t know how sensitive any of us is to the size of the grocery bill. I know what our average weekly grocery bill is, since I’ve been buying my groceries online for 5 years I can even track it month by month. I can see when it’s “big” and when it’s “average”, and I pay attention. I think about the grocery bill in the big picture of eatings-out and entertainment costs, and manage it as a category. But my au pairs have no idea how grocery bills fit into the overall budget. Moreover, they have no idea if groceries are a large portion of our budget or just a rounding error.

4. It is extraordinarily easy for an Au Pair to ‘trip your switch’ with her eating patterns.

if you have “food issues” yourself (and who doesn’t?) and you worry about your weight and/or nutrition, watching someone with less concern (or better management) of his or her nutrition can create friction. Why is s/he hiding food? Eating in his room? Drinking Slimfast and ignoring those HoneyCrisp apples? And, by the way, popcorn is NOT a meal.

5. It’s easy to feel like all the hard work related to food is either unappreciated or simply ineffective at keeping things organized.

I don’t know about how it is in your house, but in mine food is a big thing. I spend a lot of time thinking about nutrition, cooking, good eating habits, making sure we have stuff in the larder, managing the shopping, planning menus. There is so much work involved! What, s/he doesn’t appreciate it? S/he doesn’t like home-made chicken pot pie every Tuesday? How ungrateful! (harrumph)!

How to unhook from all of this? Think kind thoughts. Think about food as a way to show care and to nurture. Think about food as a way to teach and to learn, about your au pair and about yourself.

Other ideas?

See also:

Food and your Au Pair: A smorgasbord of advice

Images:
Cupcakes from Joits
citrus pick-a-nik purse

from jek in the box

Food and Your Au Pair

Sometimes, I get really envious of host families whose au pairs know how to cook. I mean really know how to cook– au pairs who will suggest meals, create something new out of a chicken breast, and clip a recipe from People Magazine. We have never had an au pair who is an accomplished cook, and only a few who have been competent cooks. So, I’ve found myself teaching au pairs many of the basics and managing the overall food plan for our family.

Once your kids age out of mashed peas, PB&J, and Annie’s Mac’n Cheese, your au pair has to prepare real meals for them– meals with a protein, two veggies, and maybe a fruit course. You want the food to be nutritious, reasonably varied, easy to prepare, and attractive to the kids. Not such a tall order, right?

But we forget how much technical knowledge, how much cultural knowledge and how much personal knowledge goes into cooking a good kids’ meal. And, we forget that cooking and especially coordinating the many components of a meal, all while minding kids, can also be challenging.

When host parents ask for advice about au pairs and cooking, here is what we on the blog have recommended so far:

1. Identify the foods your kids will & should eat.

We made lists of the foods (and preparations) that our kids like. We’ve got a chart on the fridge with a column of protein entrees (chicken preparations, some pasta dishes, bean chili, and a few beef-based things) a column of vegetable preparations (broccoli, broccoli, broccoli), and some starches (soba, brown rice, Uncle Ben’s, kamut spirals). We have a separate column for the ‘fruit course’ (our version of dessert) that suggests fruit sliced, diced and even microwaved.

2. Teach your au pair how to prepare each of these basic dishes, in the most simple ways.

We have cooking sessions that address how to saute a chicken breast, brown ground beef (and pour off fat), slice and steam broccoli, etc.

3. Create guaranteed crowd-pleaser, complete, “meals”.

Establish a set of full meals– a protein, 2 veggies, and extras — that can be learned and remembered by any cook. In the short term, this strategy helps an au pair build a repertoire. In the mid-term, this strategy teaches your au pair the idea of what kinds of combinations create a “meal”.

4. Make a weekly plan, with one of these meals each day, for your au pair to follow.

Create a weekly menu. Really. Write it down, shop for it, and post it on the fridge. Write it on the calendar.

5. Celebrate the concept of repetition.

My girlfriend Alma writes a unique food blog called Take Back the Kitchen, where she shares recipes and tips for women who are not really that competent in the kitchen and who want to get better at preparing happy healthy meals.

Alma has a system for her 4 kids where she has a set meal for each of 6 days of the week– one day is chicken, one day is pasta, one day is “breakfast for dinner” and so on. Alma set this up when her kids were little and had some food sensitivities. When she first told me about it, I wondered whether this much repetition would be boring, but Alma’s kids really liked it. Her system sure made it easy for whichever parent or au pair was shopping or cooking. As the kids have gotten older Alma’s added more variety in how things are prepared, but in general no one minds that there is a pattern of meals that are repeated over and over.

Similarly, my friend Adelaide and her sisters put together a binder of “15 Meals Every Wilcox Kid Likes” . Each page has an entree, veggies, recipes, and — wait for it — a preparation ‘count down’!  Yes, if you are unsure how long you should wait, after putting the meatloaf in the oven, until you start steaming the green beans, those Wilcox sisters are there to help.

We grown ups think we dislike repetition, but I’ll bet you that there are 8 meals that you and your family love, and that are repeated over and over. Better to have 8 healthy, enjoyable meals over and over than the drama of “what the heck’s for dinner this time?”

In most cases, you must be the Executive Chef to your au pair’s Line Cook.

Unfortunately, if your au pair is not cook already, you will probably need to do all the meal planning for him or her. That means, you have to be the one to choose the marinade for the chicken, declare that it’s green beans and not broccoli for Tuesday night, and communicate the plan to him or her. You have to be the one to balance the assortment of foods over the course of the week, and make sure that the food is purchased.

If your au pair is a motivated learner, s/he may learn enough about cooking to pick up some of these big picture tasks as the year goes on.

A thought  for Aligning Objectives with Your Au Pair

It may also help to share with your au pair your own orientation towards food. Some people think of food as “energy for a day of fun”, others think of it as a kind of self-expression, and others think of food as a way to share love.

If you have an “approach” or an orientation towards the meals you and your family create, sharing this with you au pair might help to get him or her in a similar frame of mind. I’ve found it helpful to think about and talk about meals in our family as something more than getting food on the table. When I do this, and when I’ve shared this with our au pairs, it has helped to lift us above some of the everyday burden of cooking, and see cooking and the meals we create as a way to share values and to share purpose.

Here’s a request from AG, who has tried some of these suggestions with her au pair, but needs some more advice….

I was hoping to get some advice on my au pair’s cooking. She has been with us since April and, although she is not perfect, I have to say that we feel blessed. She loves loves loves our kids and makes them her priority; she is patient, attentive, flexible, and safety conscious. My one pet peeve is that she does not know how to cook. OK, she does know how to cook pasta and how to prepare sandwich and cut fruit, but she does not know how to put together nutritious meals for our kids.

Even though I gave her a binder with recipes to follow and even though we spoke to her about alternating and varying the meals, she still cooks pasta, then rice, pasta, then rice, and so on. I think that on the one hand, she does not enjoy cooking that much, and on the other hand, she tries to make what is easy and fast (and according to her, what the kids like…)

I don’t expect my au pair to be an executive chef, but I would like her to take more initiative in preparing more variety and more elaborate meals.

Part of the reason I have an au pair is for me not to have to come back home and see the kids eating pasta for the 100th time. They typically eat earlier than we (the parents) do, so our pair must prepare their meals before we come home. She has a lot of time during the day, while we parents are at work and the kids are at school, to think about what to serve them that would be nutritious and tasty!

What is reasonable for AG to expect from her au pair? What should AG be ready to provide for her au pair, to meet her goal of nutritious and tasty meals?

Image:
I stole the photo of Shrimp and Corn Salad from Take Back the Kitchen, where you can find the recipe!

See Also:
Food secrets from the West Coast: Calif Mom shares all!
Feeding my kids too much fast food… Now what?

Mealtimes are important family times.

Most of us hope that our Au Pairs will join us for dinner so that s/he can be part of this family time. But as we know, food and mealtimes can easily become places where individual differences, cultural differences, and just plain organization can get in the way of a smooth routine.

Imagine, though, what you’d really like if you could have any kind of dinnertime situation with your Au Pair –

• How often would you like your au pair to join you for dinner?

• Will he or she contribute to cooking? To setting up and cleaning up?

• What kinds of child-minding will your au pair do around dinnertime, if any at all?

• How will you choose menus, prepare portion sizes, and plan ahead (or not)?

• What if your au pair prefers to eat a main meal at lunchtime, or even late in the evening? How can you manage this kind of mealtime-shifting?

HM3Kids writes with her questions, as she plans ahead for a new au pair.

Hi AuPairMoms (and Dads),

We’ve decided to get an AP again, after having taken a break for a year. Looking back over our previous experiences, I’m pretty nervous with the dinner arrangement because we have had problems in the past.

We are both working full time and have 3 kids (7,5, 2). Usually, we come home, cook dinner and eat at the table together every night. We’ve had a lot of issues around dinner and meal sharing…  For some reason, it didn’t work out very well for us.

These are the issues we had:

- After we came back from work, she went to her room and didn’t help to prepare dinner. She joined us when dinner is ready, ate with us, then cleaned up only her dishes and went back to her room. (Once a while, I’d like to get help from her to clean up after dinner or wash pot/dishes. Is it too much to ask?)

- She said she will not join the family dinner and will eat later. So, we saved some food for her and found out the next day that she didn’t eat it.

- AP didn’t like what we made for dinner. So, she woudn’t eat it.

We did ask our AP to tell us if she will not be eating with us so we don’t make extra food for her.

I would like to know more about what types of dinner arrangements other host families have with their APs. We don’t mind if she wants to eat separately from us, but we want to make sure that this works smoothly if/when this is what she chooses.

• Do you cook for your au pairs?
• Do you give them allowance to buy their own food?
• Something else?

I’d love to hear from other HFs. Thanks in advance, HM3kids

HM3Kids, be sure to look at these posts about Au Pairs, food, and mealtimes:

Food secrets from the West Coast: Calif Mom shares all!

Poll: Does your Au Pair join you for dinner?

Conflicting Foodstyles: Advice for an Au Pair

Scheduling Your Au Pair: Naptime, Mealtime and Meaningful Breaks

Families and Au Pairs- what would you advise to create a nice dinnertime routine with your au pair?

Image: Eat Your Colors on Portion Control… from cproppe on Flickr

Every au pair we’ve ever had (all 11 of them) went on some weird kind of diet. These diets included protein drinks, Slimfast shakes, grapefruits, Diet Cokes for breakfast & lunch and — my personal favorite –  rice and bread. (Going without butter was where ya really saved on calories!)

Thankfully, most of these diets were short-lived.

I understand where the impulse to try these weird diets comes from– many au pairs put on a few extra pounds as they get adjusted to the American diet and to the size of a Mocha Frappucino.

These diets have raised some issues for me as a host mom, worrying that our au pairs aren’t getting proper nutrition and are developing unhealthy eating habits. I have also worried about the role model this might set for my kids, I’ve felt that my fabulous cooking was being spurned, and I’ve resisted buying strange foodstuffs for strange diets — but all of those are issues for another post.

What I’d like your thoughts on is when the food situation turns from weird to grim — when you suspect or discover that your Au Pair has a bona fide eating disorder such as bulimia or anorexia.

We got an email from a host mom who is very concerned about her au pair. She writes:

We have a terrific au pair. I’m concerned that she may have an eating disorder. Her eating disorder is not affecting her work (as far as I can tell). And it is not affecting her energy level or overall health– yet.

Because of our living situation (and since I buy the food) I’ve noticed how little she eats at real meals, how she gorges on items like ice cream, and how some foods just disappear from the cabinet. Also, she seems to be getting unhealthily skinny.

Our au pair is a rather private girl, and she’s never talked at all about her weight, or about dieting. I have been trying not to make a big deal about it (I don’t tell her to ‘eat her vegetables’) but I do think I should be doing something.

Any ideas how to respect her privacy but still address the concern?

If this were my au pair, I think the first place I’d turn would be to our LCC. I’d hope that she would have some training from her Agency on how to help an au pair get help. (Perhaps she would also have some experience and information about local treatment options.)

I’m assuming that other host parents have been in similar situations because eating disorders are more common among young women of au pairing age.

Has anyone got some experience they can share?

Photo: Alas / Hope is the thing with…from Celeste

Sometimes the concept of treating an au pair like a ‘member of the family’ doesn’t give you enough guidance. This seems especially true when it comes to figuring out ‘who pays for what, when’. We got a request (using the Skribit feature) for a post that would heolp to establish some guidelines for this.

I’ve started a list here of things that need to be paid for, with an initial try at who pays for what. The principle here is that the host family pays for what would be offered to other members of the family (esp. to a teenager/young adult), but your au pair pays for things that only she enjoys or where she exercises lots of personal discretion.

Let’s figure out what other general categories and specific situations need to be added to the list:

Food
Host parents pay for

• Regular, healthy food for 3 meals a day, 7 days a week
  This means buying enough of the family’s regular food to feed her as well, imagining that she’d eat as large a portion as the hungriest host parent.
• A few grocery items just for her:
  Cookies, herb tea, some ground beef if you are vegetarians, some tofu if she is. (Obviously, this is assuming that you have no political or religious issues with having meat in your vegetarian/vegan home).
• Non-kosher items for her, if your family is kosher and if the au pair is willing to store, cook, and eat the non-Kosher food in a way that does not mess with your religious traditions
• Up to $25/week of stuff  ‘for her’ (see note at end)
• Groceries for her to prepare for herself when you are away for the weekend and she is home alone.
  (This is part of the 3 meals/7 days concept).
• The same food you get yourself when your are out and she is with you, on duty
• Dinners out with host family when on duty
  Expect her to follow your lead with entrees. Take her only to places where you can afford to have her choose anything from the menu, unless it’s an odd situation (in that case, explain in the car before you get there). Offer her a rule of thumb– buy either an appetizer or dessert, not the most expensive item nor the least expensive item. The rough part here is if the parents want to splurge on a nice wine or an expensive entree, but they do not want to pay for the same for the au pair. This happens (!), and to me it seems to be reasonable if you want to get a $60 bottle of wine that you’d prefer not to share; just be clear if you want to splurge yourself but ask others to choose regular items.
• Coffee and snack when out with the kids or with you at Starbucks, Target, etc.
• Any beer or wine at family events or while watching football.
• Popcorn when she takes the kids to the movies.
• Takeout/pizza that is ordered for family meals, whether she is on or off duty (but only at the same cost level as the family)

Au Pair pays for

• Fancy cocktails (if she is over 21) when you are out to dinner
• Coffee & snacks or meals out when she is off duty and with her friends
• Freaky diet drinks
• Food used to prepare meals for her friends and guests when she is at your house
• Alcoholic beverage consumed at your house when she has guests (if permitted)
• Food items above and beyond the basic groceries and $25 budget
• Food when she is on vacation, whether at your house alone or on her travels. (If she is having a ‘staycation’, you might just include her in the grocery shopping)
• Takeout/pizza items above and beyond what is planned for “family” meals

Health & Beauty Aids
Host family pays for (really, gives Au Pair access to) Band Aids, the occasional ibuprofen, tissues, bar soap, hand soap, hairdryer. Also, toilet paper, tissues, paper towels and cleaning supplies if she cleans her own room or bathroom.

Au Pair pays for all of her shampoos, cosmetics, sanitary supplies, prescriptions, cold medications, hair color, toothpaste, bath gel, curling irons, haircuts.

Activities
Host Family pays for

• Tickets and fees related to activities when the au pair is on duty
• Tickets to family outings when the Au Pair is off-duty but explicitly invited (e.g., to the movies with the kids)

Au Pair pays for

• Tickets to outings when the Au Pair is off-duty and the host parents are happy to take her with them but would prefer not to pay (e.g., A family Broadway show with Grandma). Hey, we can afford to take Grandma for her birthday… but we can’t afford to pay for the au pair. Such is life.

Medical & Dental Care

• Au pair pays for this personal care

Gas and Tolls
Au Pair pays when using car for personal travel.

Host family pays when car is used for family business.

Car Washing: Figure this out in advance, e.g., Au Pair if she is the only user of the car, Host family if you both use car.

Tele/Communications
Host family pays for
All the basics that the family enjoys:

• Telephone basic service (local calls)
• HBO/Cable TV, internet access
• Computer printing of basic stuff (e.g., directions to train station)

Optional: Cell phone basic local (if host family wants to provide this)

Au Pair pays for
Personal items and premium services:

• All long distance phone calls, texting,
• Movies On Demand, video rentals for herself, Library fines for her own books
• Premium online/ internet services (e.g., photo storage, manipulation, printing)
• Fancy computer printing (e.g., photos, large color items, party invitations)

Travel
Host family pays for

• Au Pair’s tickets to travel with the family, on duty, regular class (even if the parents take upgrades. But don’t leave her with the kids in economy class unless she is being paid to be on duty)
• When Au Pair is traveling from ‘home base’ to vacation spot so that she can be on duty at your vacation spot (e.g., you buy her a bus ticket from your house in NY City to your house in the Hamptons, regular class, so that she can be on duty in the Hamptons)
• Hotel accommodations in a room other than the parents’ room, while traveling with the family on duty or off duty.
  (IMHO, it is fine to ask the au pair to share a room with the kids, as long as you make sure she has some privacy during her off duty time, when she is changing/showering, and when she wants to watch TV after kids go to bed)

Au Pair pays for

• Tickets to and from the family’s vacation spot if she is unwilling/prefers not to travel with the family in their car, or in the travel mode they prefer
• Tickets to and from the family’s vacation spot if she prefers to use a more expensive form of transportation (e.g., she wants to take the water taxi or luxury jitney, but you have given her a train ticket)
• Tickets to and from a vacation spot if she is joining the family on vacation but not going to be on duty, unless the family can afford to treat her

Household damage

Host family pays for

• Basic wear and tear: when things break and go wrong through regular use
• Basic household accidents (e.g., tea kettle catches fire, toilet overflows b/c you did not explain plumbing)

Au Pair pays for

• Dumb accidents that could have been avoided if she followed the directions that you have already gone over with her (e.g., sets off burglar alarm and can’t turn it off b/c she can’t remember where the code is and then you get whacked with the $50 ‘false alarm’ fee; water damage to the first floor powder room b/c she is unwilling to use the shower curtain correctly in the third floor bathroom; replacing the window fan after her balloon ribbons get strangled around it and burn out the motor; restoring all the software on your computer after she downloads something without permission and it has a virus your updated protection software didn’t catch)

What else should we add? And, what principle(s) do you use when you’re trying to figure out ‘who pays for what’?

(note: Regarding the $25 extra grocery ‘allowance’– this happens to be the maximum amount that most host parents thought was reasonable (in a previous discussion) for budgeting for the au pair’s “extras”. You are not expected to offer this “allowance” explicitly, or to offer it in addition to buying a proportionally larger amount of groceries overall. It’s just a guideline that you can use to figure out when you’ve gone too far.)