We haven’t talked in much detail about how to choose an agency — I’ve steered clear of that topic because I haven’t wanted anyone to think that I’m some kind of au pair agency secret agent, sent out to lure unsuspecting host families onto the rosters of agencies for an unspecified but generous kickback.

Also, I’ve wanted to maintain a community here where it’s not about complaining about agencies but is really more focused on relationships. And, frankly, having had experience with just the one agency and been reasonably happy with them, I’ve never done any serious comparison shopping myself.

There is a lot of comparison shopping you can do on your own when you’re choosing an agency.

Much of the decision comes down to very local information–

• Which agencies cover your geographic area?
• Which agencies have well-respected local counselors (LCCs) in your area?
• Which agencies have big enough clusters that your au pair might find some friends?
• Which agencies do your friends recommend?
• Which agencies have kosher/male/piano-playing/Mandarin-speaking/culinarily-talented candidates, etc.?

Other info you can find on your own, by googling, to catch up-to-the-minute data –

• What are the current agency fees?
• Are there any active discounts?

Sometimes, you’ll just get a sense of an agency you like.

• You might get an response to an online inquiry from a counselor/agency rep who really ‘gets it’, and is there to help.

• You might realize that you really prefer a certain kind of candidate selection option — a recommendation just for you, a handful, or full-on full-access — that perhaps only one agency has.

• And, you might discover that some agencies have a terrific online presence with lots of resources, both local and national.

But is there anything else to think about?

A “Potential Host Mom” writes:

I work out of my home 3 days a week. We have two boys ages 2 ¾ and 11 months. Currently, we have a part-time American nanny.   DH and I are feeling pushed to the max and have been considering how to make some changes in our lives in order to reduce stress. After much thought, we’ve come to the conclusion that more flexible childcare would be a big help to us, as DH’s job is very demanding, and I have to travel a fair amount.

We’ve decided to go in the direction of getting an au pair. We like the idea of exposing our children to a second language, the greater flexibility, and are open to participating in cultural exchange. Additionally, we have plenty of space in our home. (Our first nanny lived with us for awhile, so we have a little experience with the live in aspect of things). I’ve been scouring your blog for advice and have found it very helpful.

I’ve searched the blog, but haven’t found extensive information on the following: What are the factors we should consider when choosing which agency to use? In reading the responses, obviously the LCC is going to be important, and we should probably try to speak with those people before making a decision. [YES] Also, it looks like the match system is important-although it is a little unclear to me on which system is best. I’m guessing that is a matter of preference. [YES]

What are the other factors that we should be thinking about?

Potential Host Mom has so many of the right questions that I’d like to offer her some answers to questions that we in this community might be have some scoop on:

1. Are there policy differences between agencies that host parents should be aware of?

2. How can we evaluate customer service prior to working with an agency?

Take it away, experts!

Image: Iron Flower from bitzcelt

See also:
Agency Policies on Withholding Pay: What are they? Calling all LCCs …
Going “Off the Board” to find an Au Pair
Poll: Have you ever switched Au Pair agencies? If so, why?

What happens when your au pair candidate says she can, but then it turns out she can’t? And, what if you said she didn’t really need to, but then you realized she did?

When we consider the characteristics and skills we want our au pair to have, we usually think about what we or our children need from an au pair. — We have to find an au pair that can swim if we have a pool for our kids, or one who likes dogs if we have dogs. If we don’t have a pool, or a dog, we don’t look for a swimmer or a dog-lover.

Sometimes, especially when we are new to au pairs, the scope of our criteria is too narrow. You au pair arrives, and something you thought s/he didn’t need to have/be, s/he actually does need to have/be.

We need to consider criteria not only from our own perspective, but also from the perspective of our potential au pairs.

Nowhere is this more true than with our criteria around driving.

Usually, we consider whether or not our kids need to be driven places, and if the answer is “yes” we look for a candidate with great driving skills. But a candidate also needs to be able to drive if you live in an area where there is nothing within walking distance and/or no easy public transportation.

If your family doesn’t live in a city or a well-developed town, your au pair needs to be able to drive well enough to use a car for his or her own purposes.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Dear Au Pair Mom,

We just welcomed our first Au Pair this Friday, and I am starting to regret the whole thing.

I am a stay at home mom with 10 month old twins and 6 months pregnant with the 3rd (due in October). I am in desperate need of help, not only as my pregnancy moves forward but also after the arrival of the baby, when we’ll have three children under 14 months old. I was sick after the birth of the twins so I need to be able to take things more easily with this pregnancy and beyond.

When the twins first arrived, I had a full time nanny that lived with us Mon-Friday for the 1st 3 months the babies were born. For the last 4 months I’ve had a mother’s helper in the mornings. Once I found out I was pregnant again I knew I’d need full time help again.I really needed full-time help and this seemed like the most economical way compared to what people charge in our area. Some people where we live pay up to 3000 a month for full-time help which we cannot afford. So the au pair idea seemed like a good one.

Our Au Pair selection criteria didn’t include “good driving”.

When we were looking at candidates, we did not require good driving skills since my husband and I are the only ones we trust to drive our daughters anywhere. And, neither of our other caregivers ever had to drive the twins anywhere, so we did not make driving skill a priority.

Our AP is 25 and from Latin America. In terms of her personality, we like this young woman. She seems like a nice person and she seems fine with the babies (very loving, etc.)

Our Au Pair told us she could drive, but she can’t.

When we interviewed her, she said she could drive. I told her via skype conversations and e-mail several times that we would give her driving privileges if she could drive well. The first day here she said she never drove an automatic car. Then she told us she actually doesn’t drive very well, either.

Once she arrived here, it became clear that she didn’t understand that we live very far from the train and there is really no bus system in our area.

Now I am feeling guilty as she will be stuck in our house 24-7. That is, unless she learns to drive better or I drive her around.

I can’t be my Au Pair’s chauffeur.

We want her to get out and have a life, but she seems very afraid to mention to us that she needs a ride. We had said we could drive her where she needs to go within reason. The 2nd day here she wanted to go to the church. It is 30 minutes away so I stupidly said yes, brought her there, had to find a place to kill time and do some shopping and pick her up 2 hours later. This one experience made me realize that, even if I “want” to drive her when she needs it, I really can’t do that. I can’t spend 2-3 hours each weekend driving her to church.

If she could drive competently she would be able to used the car herself.

Am I being selfish? I didn’t get an AP so I can chauffeur her around.

Options

We are toying with the idea of getting her driving instructions but who is to say she’ll be able to drive well enough or even pass the test.

I wonder if we should cut our losses ASAP and request someone that can get themselves around better or should we hold out. I hate to put more money out for the lessons and then still ask for another AP.

What should we do? The first three days with her have been exhausting our whole schedule is off. Plus, this issue is causing me more stress, when what I really need is an Au Pair who can reduce my stress.

I have no idea what to do. — Driven Close to the Edge

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Dear Driven,

Actually, Driven, you’re a bit further than you think.  You’ve identified your two viable options. Short of getting your au pair a nice bike, you can either
1) Try to get her driving skills up to par, or
(2) Go go into rematch.

Here’ what I’d recommend:

1. Let your community counselor know that the driving thing is a problem.

2. Assess whether your au pair has the will, the interest, the determination, to learn to drive. THis is actually more important than whether she has the ability to learn to drive in the US.

3. If she has the will, go on to step 4. If she doesn’t have the will, go directly to rematch.

4. If you think she’s determined to learn to drive, assess her current level of skill. Have Host Dad take her out for two or three sessions in a parking lot. If it looks hopeless, go directly to rematch.

5. If it looks like she just needs to get comfy with an automatic, etc. arrange for driving lessons. *Ask your Counselor if the Agency will pay for them. Be especially firm with your counselor in asking for reimbursement if you feel your au pair misrepresented her driving skill.

6. After the first professional lesson (of 1.5 or 2 hours) ask the instructor for her/his evaluation. If the professional instructor thinks your au pair is hopeless as a driver, go to rematch. if not, keep on with the lessons.

7. Consider spending up to $300 on lessons, but no more.
(Wonder ow I came up with this number? In my town, $300 would be about 4.5 to 5 hours of lessons. And, that’s about what it would cost to get a babysitter to help you for 20 hours during the week you’d go into rematch… so it’s commensurate with the rematch cost you hope to avoid.)

8. Give your au pair an ultimatum: either she learns to drive “well enough” or you must rematch. Then, watch your au pair rise to the challenge, study online videos and practice up and down your street, and voila!

If you go directly to rematch:

10. Take some of the blame. Even though she misrepresented her skills, she did this thinking that driving ability really wasn’t important.

11. Continue to be kind and helpful during rematch. Be sure to write a short letter to the Counselor and to potential rematch families clarifying that driving is the issue, and mentioning anything positive you can about the candidate. Give her a copy of this letter so she knows that you’re supporting her in finding a better placement.

12. Scour the advice on this blog for finding a rematch candidate. (Just type the word “rematch” into the search box, and there’s a wealth of wisdom and ‘how to’s”.)  There may well be a candidate out there who has realized she likes babies better than tweens…. and who doesn’t want to chauffeur kids but can drive herself to the mall. There are great candidates out there.

13. Move quickly. It may take more than two weeks to find someone… the sooner you start, the better.

14. Consider your criteria… Is there anything else you’ve realized that you need, or don’t need, in an au pair? Adjust now.

15. Remember that this can be a learning experience. Use it to practice being direct, kind and unafraid in your approach to resolving issues with a caregiver.

16. Finally, don’t feel guilty or selfish. You simply can’t be 6+ months pregnant and a chauffeur. It just can’t be done.

[[ Note: I am assuming that you live too far away for her to bike to places she wants to go. ]]

Did I miss anything? What else should Driven try?

See Also:
How to Assess an Au Pair Candidate’s Driving Experience
The Best $98 You Can Spend on Your New Au Pair
f the Au Pair Agency failed in their “due diligence”, what can Host Parent do?

Images:
Make call, drive thru from _cheryl
Drive Pink! from Farruska
Driving to my confessor from M needs a doctor

We’ve got a lit of different terms floating around to describe the written information that we give our au pairs. We call them handbooks, manuals, guidelines, and rules. (And who knows what our au pairs call them!)

For the purposes of our conversations here on AuPairMom, let’s try to lock down the terminology.

A Host Family Handbook is that big binder, stack, or drawer-full of information that we give our au pairs. It is intended for our au pair, so it should be called an Au Pair Handbook. But we call them “host family” handbooks because what makes each handbook unique is that they reflect the concerns of a particular Host Family.

Handbook:
The entire set of written, textual information that you have for your au pair about your family, your house, your community, and her general well being.

Household Manual:
All the descriptive information about how things in and around our hose work. Including, but not limited to, how to use the microwave, where to get a bus schedule, the password for the garage door, and a list of emergency phone numbers. Much of this is the sort of information you’d find in a well-organized vacation rental house.

Also, in the ‘manual’ section, you’ll have information about calling 911 and the Poison Control Center.

Guidelines:
Your description of what you’d like your au pair to do with your kids, with your family, in your home, during her or his year. This includes “advice” like “Take the second to last train”.

Childcare information:
All the important information about your children, including their daily schedules and routines, the names of their favorite stuffed animals, and procedures for making bottles, making play dates and picking kids up from school. Some people might put this in the guidelines section, others in a section of its own.

Rules:

“The directions that must be obeyed.”

“Those ‘guidelines’ that must not be broken.”

Rules  include statements that begin with the words “never”, “no”, “always”, and “We require”. Statements like:

• No texting while driving.
• No smoking.
• Always wear a seatbelt.
• Always put the children’s safety first.
• We require you to get a state driver’s license before you can use the car for personal transportation.

Rules vs. Guidelines

We host parents make a subtle distinction between rules and guidelines. Rules are concrete, specific, measurable. Breaking rules will send an au pair into rematch, breaking rules will put our kids, au pairs and homes at risk.

Guidelines are more like advice, explanation, directions regarding “how” we do things. Guidelines are what you want your au pair to follow. Not following a guideline will irk you or disappoint you, but won’t always send you and your au pair into rematch.

We have rules but hate calling them rules.

Personally, I dislike having to say to a 21 year old that we have rules she needs to follow. But guess what? It turns our that we have rules she needs to follow.

I think that I have been embarrassed at times to call these things rules, so that I have lumped them underneath the word “Guidelines” to make them seem less draconian and to make me seem less like a control freak. But truth is, there are guidelines and there are rules, even if I use the same more gentle term for both.

I probably should stop kidding myself into thinking that if I call everything a Guidelines that we seem less rigid, more flexible and more fun. But while we’re flexible and fun in some areas, there are areas where we are very very firm about what’s okay and what is not.   I think that in my next Handbook revision, I’ll make more of a distinction between rules and guidelines — in part to force myself to be clear about what our standards are, and in part ot make it easier for a n au pair to distinguish the “must do” from the ” really, really want you to do.”

What’s in your Host Family Handbook?

See also:
R.T.F.M. Making sure your Au Pair Reads the Family Manual
Sample Handbook from a Reader

Images:

Binders organized by Lana Stewart
Ninja Survival Kit by Veronica Belmont

[[I'm delighted to share with your a Guest Post from a regular contributor, Dorsi. Dorsi noted that she hasn't seen much on the blog about infants and offered to share her reflections. Reading her post brought back so many memories of those tender first days of being a mom and having to look like I knew what I was doing! How about for you?]]

I always knew I would have an AP when I had children.

I was looking at prospective candidates when I was 5 months pregnant. I matched with our au pair before I bought a crib!

As someone who had been an exchange student in high school, the program sounded perfect: friendly foreign girl gets to stay with us, experience America, provide stable child care and we get to share our fun and fantastic life, as well as the difficulties of having a baby, with an enthusiastic peer. Additionally, we had a fairly erratic schedule and normal day care options didn’t work for us. Luckily, the baby came at a time when our finances could handle the AP program fees (in our area of the country, APs cost significantly more than infant care).

While I don’t know everything there is to know about APs and babies, I now have a toddler and have had some time to reflect on the experience. It found it provided better child care than I could have hoped for, but was more personally challenging than I expected.

My AP started when my baby was 2 months old.

Advantages of an Au Pair with an Infant

-Decrease in Illnesses
This has been touched on recently in other threads, but keeping the baby out of public spaces, especially early on, has a tremendous impact on the number of illnesses the whole family experiences. I think the AP program trumps all other forms of child care on this front. Even though my AP went out in the world, we still had less exposure to pathogens than other forms of in-home care – even bringing a college student, grandmother, etc. into out home.

-Breastfeeding
I have friends and colleagues who have had many battles with day care over how much to feed the baby, how often, and if they should supplement with formula and rice cereal. Those moms who have had successful long-term breastfeeding relationships and who work outside the home, know that it takes a lot of cooperation on the part of the caregiver. My AP didn’t have a lot of preconceived ideas and followed my instructions easily. Also, when I need to sleep (I work swing shifts and nights) or do other things around the house, the AP could get me to feed the baby and then I could go back to what I was doing.

-Avoidance of Separation Anxiety
Though we had days where the babe preferred the AP and days were she preferred me, we never had to go through the stage of leaving a screaming, unhappy child at day care. The AP was just part of our household flow and handing off responsibility was seamless.

-Easing into the AP program
Having an AP can be fraught with issues (thus the existence of AP mom), as well as joy. As first time parents, we were able to avoid some of the big ones:
- Driving – baby has no need for being driven anywhere, so we happily selected a non-driver.
- Role Model – this is not an aspect we worry about, babe is not going to be influenced by AP’s eating habits, dating/partying, etc.

-Travel
I found it easy to take my breast fed baby on a handful of work trips when she was small and not so mobile. It wasn’t too expensive to buy an extra ticket for the AP, and travel was fairly painless with another set of hands. With my toddler, I don’t know that there is the same ease and value with taking her places, but it was another way that the AP simplified my life with a newborn.

-All the usual advantages of the AP program
– flexibility, no missed work because the baby is too sick for daycare, one on one care.

Disadvantages of an Au Pair with an Infant

- Witness to parenting struggles
When my babe was born, I had several ideas about sleep training, pacifier use, solid food introduction, scheduling, etc. Like most new moms, the ideas have changed. When we decided that letting the baby “cry-it-out” a la Ferber was the right thing to do, I also had to convince the AP (and live with her silent judgment). This may be a non-issue for a lot of people, but having another person see you change course, contradict yourself, and struggle made things harder for me.

-The “three month rule”
APs are not allowed to be alone with infants less than 3 months of age. I worked evenings when the AP started, so she provided care only when my husband was also home, or I was home sleeping. For people with a more typical schedule, this wouldn’t have been possible. Occasionally we had a grandparent or a friend who would hang out at the house for an hour or two and supervise the AP in the beginning. As much as this was a hassle—I do think it is good policy. Someone who is new in this country (and maybe doesn’t have tons of time with tiny babies) should not be alone with a fragile newborn.

-Isolation (for us)
We know very few parents socially and the AP program hasn’t helped with that at all. We also get no feedback from experienced child care providers. While this is sometime nice (no one to tell me that we should start solids sooner/later) it would be nice to hear how others are solving the problems we are dealing with. This may be a fantasy of having a great day care community that wouldn’t really exist. The AP may offer ideas on nap scheduling, but they are usually fairly inexperienced compared to other child care providers.

-Isolation (for AP):
Babies don’t do much and we didn’t have anyone that the AP knew for play dates. Couple that with the difficulty of scheduling around naps – I think there were some very long days at home with the baby alone for the AP. This worked out okay with our AP, but could have been a significant problem for some APs.

Surprises and Things I wish I knew

-“Mom” vs “Peer”
As a new mother, I really didn’t think of myself as “mom” to the young woman who moved into our house. I hardly thought myself a “mom” to the tiny crying thing in the next room. It was a little shocking to be referred to as her “host mom” and to suddenly feel like I had to parent my AP. This may have been a little bit specific to the AP I matched with, but she expected to take on the role of daughter in the household. We struck a balance, eventually.

-Breastfeeding
Not every AP thinks this is normal and not “icky.” Luckily my AP had no problem handling breast milk and following my instructions. She was not uncomfortable with me breastfeeding in her presence. However, I would ask the AP in the future what about her comfort level prior to matching.

• Host parents, what parts about Dorsi’s reflections on having an au pair care for your infant resonate with your experience?
• If you have used the specialized “infant care” or infant-trained au pair, does that seem to have made a difference?
• Au Pairs, if you’ve cared for a little baby, what else might you add from your point of view?

See Also:

Starting out on the right foot, when you’re on maternity leave
Would you recommend an Au Pair to…Parents of baby twins?

Be Our Guest Poster!

Sweet dreams | day 28.365from pixelrobber
Sweet Baby Amelia from Ruth_O’Neal
Sweet Baby from moon_child

Yes, actually, it WAS torture to look for images. Painfully baby-lust inducing, if you must know.

Dear Au Pair Moms & Readers,

I need serious advice and thought you would give me great advice as I love your blog! I’m 21 and am working in France as an Au Pair. I arrived last Wednesday (a week ago tomorrow) and have enjoyed it so far as I love the family and feel really welcome, but there is something that I don’t know how to handle at the moment.

Firstly, and most importantly, I feel like I’m being taken advantage of in a way.

I was told I would work 7.30am-5pm Monday to Friday- which is already a lot (just over 52 hours a week). The host father arrives back from work at 4.30pm and I expected at 5 he would take over taking care of the kids. However, he just sits in the garden smoking and talking on the phone, leaving me to look after their hyperactive 5 year old daughter and their 10month old daughter until 7.30-8pm when the host mother arrives home from work again (however, the 5year old is in school from 9-12, then I pick her up for lunch and she returns 1.30-4.30 so it’s not too busy in the day).

This has resulted in me so far having 12+hour days EVERYDAY. I get really tired and have no time to do other things I’d like to do such as explore the village, read, or even Skype my family and friends back home. As by the time 10-11pm comes and I have dinner (they eat really late) I’m almost ready to pass out and fall asleep almost straight away knowing that I have to get up at 6.45 again the next day to do another 12hr+shift!

I spoke to my brother yesterday and he said that as soon as my shift is up, I should tell the father that I am going into town. It’s a good idea but I can’t drive and they live in a tiny village with no shops or commerce or even buses, and the nearest town is 18km away!!! They had told me they lived in a village but I didn’t expect it to be this small!

The thing is I feel bad to just sit in my room and read as the 5 year old always comes and knocks on my door asking me to play- she really likes me and has taken to me really quickly despite the fact that my french isn’t great. Also I can hear the baby crying and I find it hard to ignore her or to tell the 5year old to play alone! And then even when the mother comes home, I feel bad to stop helping as she’s so tired after work and although she’ll take charge of the baby, that still leaves the 5year old in need of someone to play with. She has become my shadow, and although it’s nice to know that she likes me, it means I get no time to myself. Also the room is barely private as the door doesn’t shut properly and the 5 year old comes in as she pleases.

I really don’t know what to do as I want to help the family out as they’ve been so hospitable. I genuinely want a break from looking after kids all day. But it’s difficult to just sit in my room because 1) it seems rude, and 2) the 5year old always disturbs me anyway. As I can’t get out of the village without asking them for a lift, I have to stay in the house and if I stay in the house, not helping out doesn’t seem too nice. However, what I do now will set a pattern for the rest of my stay so it is important that I clear things up now. I even was working on Saturday even though it was my day off- the host mother needed to pop out for a while and asked if I could watch the kids but she didnt come back for 2hours and even when she returned she was very busy so I ended up braiding the 5year olds hair, playing with her and watching the baby!!

Have you got any advice on what I should do? Do you want more background info? I’m a student from England; I learnt french at school though I don’t speak it too well but it has already improved a lot from spending a week in france and I can communicate with the family; I am here for 3 months for the summer; I am being paid 300euros per month; I get on with the family really well and I know they really like me (I went to a family function on Sunday with them and I heard the host mother telling someone that she likes me a lot because I make and effort and have a great personality).

Any advice or ideas for me? Thank you!

Photo: dejeuner en la terrasse from globevisions

Dear Au Pair Mom,

I just find out this site, and I think it’s really helpful. You have a lot of useful information for all of us, and I would like some advice from host parents.

I’m an Au Pair, and I just started the program. I’m here for two months and everything is incredible!

I live with a single mother and her 2 boys and I’m also her first au pair! We are very comfortable around each other and we don’t have any issues that I can think of, right now.  Food, money, being treated like a family member. Everything is okay…

But, the thing is My HM refuses to give me a schedule or any kind of time to work with! Last week I worked 51 hours and this weeks is going to be even worst! Because this Saturday I started working at 8am until 1pm and now from 4pm to midnight! And I’m going to work tomorrow as well! I’m so tired that I’m afraid it is going to interfere with my relationship with the kids.

I told her 3 times that is too much work, and she told me she would try harder to give me a schedule, this was 2 weeks ago and I haven’t seen one!

I don’t know what to do right now! Should I rematch?

Hi J -

It looks like both you an hour host mom are overwhelmed…you have too much work scheduled, and she hasn’t figured out how to organize herself as an ‘employer’ of an au pair. Good thing that you have a good interpersonal relationship, and that you are doing well with the kids. This is the most critical piece, and all the rest you can work on with the expectation that they will get fixed.

Every au pair should have a concrete, reliable plan for when s/he’ll be working each week.

I know that some host parents are very vague about the schedule, chance of going over 45 hours a week. I don’t really see how it works when you don’t have a written, intentional schedule… but then I’m a systems-planning kind of person. Maybe not having a written schedule works when the schedule is more or less routine, and when there is little chance of going over 45 hours. However, most of the time, everything works better when your host parent gives you a schedule at the beginning of the week, and then sticks to it.

Let’s assume that the basic problem is that your host mom doesn’t know that she should give you a schedule, and that on top of that she doesn’t really know what that schedule should be. Let’s assume that it’s an organizational problem (and not something related to her wanting to take advantage of you.) Finally, let’s assume you’re in the US where there are clear rules and expectations about schedules.

1.  Make sure your Host Mom has the tools you need for a schedule.

Your host mom needs a monthly calendar and a weekly schedule page.

Often, au pair agencies give these to host families, and/or have daily journals that host parents can use to schedule. You simply MUST have some place (preferably on a piece of paper) where you can not only write out the plan, but also count up the hours worked. You also have to put this in a place where both of you can easily see it and refer to it. Most folks use either the refrigerator door or a wall in the kitchen.

Find your host mom a family calendar, with a month-by-month view, where you can write in your on-duty hours each week and circle your weekend off.

Find a weekly calendar page with the hours of each day listed… (maybe print out one from Google calendars). Have a couple of blank copies of next week’s calendar that you and your Host Mom can work with.

2.  Know the rules
Make sure that you know the rules beforehand– no more than 10 hours a day, one 1/2 day of 5 hours only, and one day completely off. Breaks should be no shorter than two hours. Days where you work three “sessions” are okay but these should be rare and should give you useful amounts of break time.

(For example, you can work 8 am to 10 am, 1 pm to 4 pm and then 7 to 10 pm, for a total of eight hours but with decent breaks in between, so you can cover before school, after school, and your HM’s book club meeting.)

3.  Make a concrete suggestion

Use what you know about your host mom’s schedule to put together a possible schedule for the next week. You could block out the times when you know for sure she’ll be at work and need you on duty. Also, suggest (or sketch in with pencil) ideas for how she might use any additional hours that would remain, up to 45 hours.

Under no circumstances should you offer to work more than 45 hours a week– your host mom has to learn to respect the limits and the reasons for those limits.

Remind your host mom that, although it might be hard to pin down a schedule at first, once you have a basic schedule adjusting it each week is easier. For most host families, 85% of the on-duty hours are the same week to week, because our own (parental) work  schedules are usually consistent.

4.  Be ready with explanations for why you need a schedule and why you need for the two of you to follow the rules.

You mentioned the most important reason– which is for you to be able to be rested, strong and happy so that you can do a good job with the boys.

When you sit down to talk with your Host Mom, be ready to say something like “I know that being a host mom for the first time can be a little overwhelming, since there is so much you need to figure out how to teach me. One of the basic things we need is a schedule so that I can plan my days and weeks. Thinking about what I know already, here’s a beginning … maybe we can revise this to make sure you get the childcare coverage you need.”  Remember, you’re here to solve a childcare problem for her… you, personally are not the problem but the solution. That’s a great position to work from.

Call your Community Counselor

You community counselor should follow up with your host mom on the importance of giving you a schedule. Your Counselor is supposed to call your Host Mom anyway, and this is a good topic for conversation. Your counselor wants your Host Mom to succeed and for you to have a great year, so s/he should be willing to help here.

Don’t be thinking about rematch just yet.

Always, the hardest thing is the interpersonal relationship and getting on well with the family. If you already have a good relationship, and it’s the technical stuff of hosting an au pair that’s the problem, the technical stuff can be fixed. The hard stuff to fix is a bad attitude or lack of interesting a good year, and it doesn’t seem like those are at issue here.

Parents, au pairs, and counselors– what are your suggestions? Do you have any easy ways to generate your au pair’s on-duty calendar?

See Also:
Calendar Advice from CalifMom

Parents, here’s an emergency plea from a First Time Host Mom, who needs advice on dealing with an unhelpful agency. LCCs and area directors, chime in too, please!

Hello! I have a problem w/ an au pair company (which shall remain nameless) and I am not sure how to handle it. We are a new host family in Charlotte, NC.

Just got an au pair last week from South America. She looked great on paper–and said all the right things on the phone in interviews. She arrived and we are sending her home after 6 days.

She misrepresented her driving experience–which is unsafe, at best; scratched my car–then lied about it; doesn’t interact w/ my kids (ages 2 and 5)–now claims that younger children are “too much for her”–then discovered that she lied on her application and interviews about her experience w/ 2 year olds; will not clean the kids’ rooms or pick up after them, do their dishes, their laundry–said that she did not expect this much work. Apparently she found a date on the fourth day when she left my kids alone at the park and walked across the street to meet an exterminator–verified by my five year old son.

So we found another au pair w/in the system who is in California. During the time in between au pairs we are expected to host this current au pair in our house–AND pay for her week of “work”–yet she never comes out of her room ($160). The au pair agency is going to send her back to her country since she clearly can not be placed anywhere else–she lied on her application, after all.

We feel as though the au pair agency did not do their due diligence in verifying references. It would have been uncovered that her driving record was not correct–and that she didn’t have any legit experience w/ younger kids. But that was never done.

The au pair agency wants us to pay for the NEW au pair’s transport from California to North Carolina. FYI–we certainly did pay for initial transport of the first au pair from South America–and are not being reimbursed.

Can they do this? We are so confused and hurt by all of this….and as all you parents can imagine, this has been such turmoil for our kids and our schedule.–

Thanks for any help with this…. GKS

Replies Host Mommy Dearest:

Not sure what agency you are with, but if the AP does not work during transition, you don’t have to pay her. Period.

I did not have my transitioning AP work, and I definetely would NOT if I were you – especially if she stays in her room anyway. BTW the stipend is $196, not $160 if you schedule her to work. If they are sending her home (I agree they should due to safety concerns) then it should not take them 2 weeks to book her flights. When I got a new AP in transition I did not pay any transport fee and she came from a different state.

Get on the horn with your LCC/AD and corporate to find out the plan and timeline.

If we only knew then what we know now… being an Au Pair Host Parent would be really easy. Okay, easier.

As our au pair parenting experiences unfold, we learn a lot about what works and what doesn’t, what we can change and what we can’t, how we can accommodate to an au pair and when we must remain steadfast. We also discover that parts of au pair parenting are easier than we expected, and that the converse is also true.

Our preferred strategy here at AuPairMom is to try to share our hard-won wisdom and put it to good use by helping each other avoid problems. We put that strategy into action in the previous post on The Host Parent Readiness Assessment.

Sometimes, though, the mistake can’t be avoided.

The cow is already out of the barn. It’s too late to shut the barn door, or even ask whether you should open it in the first place. Now, you’ve got to see if you can adjust to the fact that the cow is already on the move.

This is the situation facing the host parents of SouthpawAP.

Thing is, they haven’t even realized yet what the problem is.

SouthpawAP’s host parents are in the process of discovering that they aren’t actually ready to be Host Parents. And they are taking this out on her.

SouthpawAP has to figure out how to tell them, and she has to figure out if they are going to be willing to make some changes in their expectations.

Dear AuPairMom readers,

I wanted to tell you how much your website has helped me during my time as an Au Pair in the USA. It helped me to understand the American culture a bit better and through that understand some of the “strange” things about my host family. I am now an Au Pair for about 3.5 months. I am a 22 year old girl from a German speaking country and I am taking care of an under 2 year old. She is a wonderful little girl and we connected during the first three days.

My host family was very, very welcoming and I was in heaven during the first weeks.

But, after a few weeks the pink glasses vanished.

Not my pink glasses, but theirs. I knew what I was getting into in becoming an au pair. But my host family? They were very surprised. I don’t think that they understood what they were getting in to with having an au pair.

“A Live In Au Pair? Yes, that means that I’m here, living in your house! Yes, your kid will sometimes want to play with me even WHEN mammy and daddy are there! Yes, people will sometimes think I am the mother of the little girl! Yes, I am sometimes talking with your husband when you are not there!”

(I am sorry for that “outburst”. It’s just that, especially my host mum, make me feel more and more like an intruder, and less like a part of the family.)

And the thing is, I can understand why she might feel this way!!!

I don’t think that she really knew what it means to have another female person living in her house, playing with her kid, being in contact with her husband…
(Don’t get me wrong, I don’t DO ANYTHING to get the attention of my host dad. I never ever wear clothes that show anything, move in a “special” way or flirt or anything.)

The thing is, I am not complaining about my host family or my job in general.

The thing I am frustrated about is that I think that they were not ready to be Au-Pair-host-parents.

My host family doesn’t really seem to understand what it means to welcome a young person from another country into their home, and into their lives.

I will have to talk with my host mother about the whole thing and hopefully we will work something out that makes her feel better. But I am not sure what to tell her. How can they get a sense of what is normal, and what should be expected? How can they change how they are thinking and feeling? Should I even expect that they will try to make the best of things and learn to get along with an au pair in their home?

I want to do my very best here, and I like my family… and I want them to be able to enjoy having an au pair.

Thank you!! Just writing that down helped me to see my situation more clearly. But I would still like to hear your advice. SouthpawAP

Image: Cow in door from Toby-won

The annual celebration of Mothers’ Day offers us moms a chance to have breakfast in bed, or experience some other kind of treat from our family.

It’s one particular day that we get a bit of positive feedback for the work that we do as moms, and it’s one day that we get to be reminded of how much love goes around because of moms.

Mothers’ Day can also be a chance to reflect on how we each are doing as moms (or grandmoms) …

– What kind of example are we setting for our kids?
– How are we showing them that we love them?
– How well are we appreciating the gifts that being a parent can give us?

In addition to thinking about our mom-ing towards our children, this day is also a chance to think about the ways we benefit and serve as host moms of au pairs.

As regular readers of the blog know, I firmly believe that being a host mom or dad not only helps you grown as a parent, but it also helps you grow as a person.

For this Mothers’ Day I wanted to post something that I wrote a long time ago about the 5 Ways Being a Host Mom Makes you a Better Parent & Person, and then I thought, Why rehash my ideas? Why not just ask you all?

Here’s a Mothers Day challenge for you:

How has being a host mom helped you become a more inspiring parent?

Although this question is phrased for host moms themselves, au pairs and dads can also chime in. You may notice ways in which we moms are growing that we haven’t noticed ourselves…

This superfabulous image is a charm, from the Etsy shop of Allison Strine. Lots of goodies and inspirations there…

If you are a first-time host family, and if you celebrate Christmas, you might find yourself caught off guard when you begin to incorporate your Au Pair into your family traditions.

Some families will want their au pair to help select and decorate the tree, others won’t. Some families will invite the au pair to their church’s celebrations, others will not.

But whatever you do, make sure that your au pair has a stocking to hang!

In my family, both children and adults hang stockings for Santa. (Adults get small little stocking gifts (chapstick, Hello Kitty tissue packs, sparkly hair clips from H&M, chocolate coins, and always a tangerine).

You’ll want to include your au pair in this tradition. .. ( Check out this earlier post on Holidays, too.)