Must we use an Au Pair Agency to engage an Au Pair?

Yes.

Sure, you can go it alone, but then you would not be operating within US Law.

We emphatically recommend that you use an approved agency to find and retain your au pair. Following the laws and regulations protects both your family and your au pair.

There are 14 different approved agencies in the USA, and they range in both cost and in level of support (e.g., training, local counselors, etc.) If you are concerned about costs, you can do some comparison shopping and even contact agencies to try to negotiate some kind of signing bonus.

Pre-Matching with Someone You Already Know

If you already know a young person outside the US who you’d like as your au pair, you can “pre-match” with this person, and then engage an agency to manage the paperwork, travel, training and support.

Using a Website to Refer to an Agency

Also, you can find an au pair on one of many websites (e.g., Great Au Pair — not an endorsement, just an example) and then work through them to have both parties referred to an agency that operates within the home country of your desired au pair.

Bottom Line:

Trying to create and sustain an au pair relationship without using an approved agency is against the law. It’s also a bad idea.

For more on this issue, see these posts, below. Be SURE to read people’s comments for important details and insights.:

Going “Off the Board” to find an Au Pair

What the best way to Pre-Match with an Au Pair, before connecting to an Agency?

Reading the Fine Print: How do Au Pair Agency contracts differ?
Choosing an Au Pair Agency: Two questions that might make a difference
If you were an Au Pair: Agency or Website?
An Open Letter to Au Pairs without an Agency, Outside the USA

State Department Site re Au Pairs
“Designated Sponsor Organizations” aka Approved Au Pair Agencies

Owl Image from ThePinkTonka Shop on Etsy, filled with interesting owl-y things.

What has happened in the last year that’s helped you learn to be a better host parent? Or if not “better”,  just a wee bit wiser?

if you’re like most of us, you’ve felt delighted, relieved, frustrated, annoyed, grateful, and more — all because of your relationship(s) with your au pair(s).

As part of our families and as members of our households, but even more as partners in caring for our children, au pairs see us as we cycle through our worst and our best. And, our relationships with them influence how we experience our children, our parenting, our homes, and our dreams.

Our relationships with our au pairs can be windows into our understanding of ourselves as parents, spouses, family members, friends, and sojourners — if we choose to make them so.

Given that our host parent – au pair relationships influence us anyway, we can get a little extra insight about ourselves by reflecting on how our relationships unfolded over the year. While for so many of us it’s important to set new goals and strive to do better, it also helps to spend a little time understanding what’s already happened so that we might learn from it.

In that spirit, and with personal growth in mind, here are some questions to help you capture some insights from this past year with your au pair(s):

1. What was the most challenging part of your host parent- au pair relationship this year?

2. What caused the single biggest positive energy boost in your au pair relationship?

3. What was the best way that you used your one-on-one time with your au pair this year?

4. What were you able to let go of, and feel okay about letting go of, to improve your host parent – au pair relationship?

5. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally through your relationship with your au pair?

6. At what point(s) did you consciously reassess your expectations of your au pair and of yourself? (How) Did this help?

7. What was the biggest change in your relationship with your au pair over the year?

8. What was an unexpected delight regarding your au pair this year?

9. What was an unexpected challenge for you as a host parent of this particular au pair?

10. How did your experience as a host parent contribute to your relationship with your child/ren?

11. (If you’ve been a host parent before:) How did you put into practice this year your experience as a host parent with previous au pairs?
      (If this is your first time as a host parent:) What was your first surprise about how having an au pair *really* works?

12. What was the best thing that you did for yourself to improve your host parent – au pair relationship?

I hope that you can take a moment or two or three just to think over this one relationship over this one year, and see how you’ve grown as a result of it.  If any of your responses tickle you, or generate some insights you’d like to share, please add them in the comments.

Have a happy and sweet new year.

Image: This sweet owl pillow was made by The Sometime Crafter from a pattern by Badbird. Check out The Sometime Crafter blog for project ideas, patterns and tutorials — especially if you have a crafty au pair.

Maybe I’m more obsessive than the average bear, but I recall thinking I was as ready as I could be when our very first au pair arrived. And, that was back in the days when Handbooks were merely a suggestion, and life was much more simple.

I also remember feeling pretty alone. Although there were other au pairs in our town, I didn’t know any of them or their host parents. Our LCC was inept and of little help. So, I winged it.

I bet that, in all honesty, I probably felt like this IrishMum — optimistic, but without a clear plan.

Dear AuPairMoms-

I am just wondering what exactly should i expect from mu au pair.

She has arrived from Australia and is 24 yrs old so obviously we have no language barrier which is a bonus. She has just arrived, she came a week ago and I’ve got no problems with the idea of letting her settle in and get used to the time difference and jet lag.

But I do wonder– When should I expect her to “start” as such? She plays with my son, he’s 6 1/2 mths old and has put him down for a couple of naps and has given him a couple of bottles. However, I’m still at home and not due back to work for another 3 weeks. I expected to stay on leave that little bit longer so she could see our routine and how we work things here….

Should she be getting my son up in the mornings or am I still expected to do that? Right now, he wakes about 6.45am ish each morning, I make all the bottles and do the washing and sterilising of his bottles and she doesnt seem to make much of an effort to help. She’ll pick up a finished bottle or plate and place it in the sink and leave it there. I don’t know what to make of this.

I know she has just arrived and is getting used to her new surroundings… Should i just wait a little while more and then if she is still the same, talk to her about it? I really don’t know what to do and am at a loss so any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

Thanks -IrishMum

Dear IrishMum-

In the absence of a schedule, a plan, and reasonably clear expectations, your au pair is likely to be as confused as you about what to expect. My advice would be to set up a ‘training schedule’ as well as a ‘work schedule’ and begin right away to turn over some responsibilities to your new au pair.

1. Start by checking out the posts on Orienting your Au Pair and Training.

• Go to these two first:
  

Advice Wanted: How to set the right tone from Week 1
Ways to start orienting your New Au Pair: Some advice for the first two days

• Then, look at this page:  http://aupairmom.com/category/phases-of-ap-year/welcoming/

• Use the category links (midway down the right sidebar) to scoot around different particular topics.Print out some of the pages and give them to your au pair to read.

2. Enlist the help of your spouse or other host parent, if you have one.

Even when one parent takes primary responsibility for childcare and au pair relations, all adults in the family need to become knowledgeable and aligned.

3. Create a clear picture of your ultimate goal.

Create the schedule of what the ‘ideal week’ once you are back at work. This would show your au pair what will be her regular hours and duties so that she knows what she is training for.

4. Create a list of all the things you need to teach her.

Start with safety and basics of childcare, and household routines. Don’t ignore off-duty behavior & expectation, but make ‘kid basics’ your focus week one.

5. Create a training schedule for the next two weeks,

where you plan which topics you’ll cover– and which topics she’ll master — so that you can pace yourselves and record your progress.6.

6. Demonstrate what you want with role modeling and direct explanation.

You may have an au pair who is holding back waiting to see what you want (as opposed to jumping in and doing things her way). Assume first that this may be her style so that she doesn’t offend or interfere, rather than assuming that she’s not willing to work.

Consider these two posts:
How Can You Get Your Au Pair to be (more of) a Self-Starter?
Advice wanted… best medium & process for communicating expectations?

The sooner you get your au pair doing the things you need her to do, even as she’s still learning, the better off you’ll be.

More advice? Chime in!

Here are some questions for all of you Host Parents:

Before you found AuPairMom, were you a little lonely?

With no one to talk to who really grokked what it meant to have an au pair?

Or who could celebrate your successes, and listen with empathy to your challenges?

Were you ever frustrated that you had all this hard-won Host Parent wisdom but no one to share it with?

And then — somehow, who knows how — you found the community here at AuPairMom. And life as a host parent was just a little more fun.

Bring that feeling to a friend.

Today is Bring-A-Friend Friday, when a bunch of my blogging pals and I are inviting the participants on our blogs to reach out and invite a friend into the community.

• Email one (or more) of your host parent friends and send them the link to AuPairMom.

• Ask your host parent friends to sign up to have the posts emailed straight to them.

Our little owl wants more friends.

Bring a Friend to visit.

Probably the most common obstacle for any family considering an au pair vs. other kinds of childcare is the idea of having some other adult live in your house with you. People imagine that they’ll lose their privacy, feel crowded, feel constantly observed, never have time to themselves, and grow weary from no time ‘off’.

And guess what, these concerns are right on the mark. We Americans like our privacy and our independence.

Do you remember when you were first thinking about an au pair?
Was having someone live in your home a concern for you?

Although it was many years ago now, I don’t remember being as concerned about it myself. My DH was already away from home 2 or 3 nights a week; I remember feeling concerned about being alone at night in the house with babies while my spouse was too far away to help.

And, with our au pair room on the garden level and my own bedroom two flights upstairs, I knew that I’d have a place to retreat if I needed time alone.

Of course, I could just be making this up in hindsight, and fooling myself about how hard it was or wasn’t to invite an au pair into our home.

Because it’s true, too, that, each time we’ve chosen to get another au pair, I’ve had to go over this calculation:

Is having the company, culture, and convenience of an au pair enough to outweigh the psychological burdens of sharing our home with another adult?

Along this link of thinking, iMom sent me some questions that she’d love to for us to discuss:

• What were your biggest fears before inviting your first Au Pair into your home?

• How did you deal with these?

• How do you set up boundaries so that you don’t feel crowded by your au pair?

See Also:
What are Host Dads afraid of? The Top 3 “Fears of the Host Dad” & How to manage them
Feeling Squished by Our Au Pair
Host Mom Advice Wanted: How to get more privacy and family time?
When you need some time alone … with your kids, without the Au Pair
When your personal, private challenges affect your Au Pair relationship

Images:
On holidays from PetitPlat by sk_
Crowded from Tom Poes

Our previous two posts,

Providing Your Au Pair With Safe, Affordable, Convenient Transportation , and
Don’t Abuse A Cluster Taxi

have been set-ups for this next question, from SanJoseMom.

SanJoseMom is a first-time host parent and trying to organize her expectations and establish a foundation for a successful au pair year.

Hi AuPairMom -

I live in CA, and We will be getting our new au pair in Mid September. She is from Scandinavia, and is 19 years old.

I live in a suburb, so there is public transportation but its not very good. Near our house there is only a bus line, and BART, Bay Area Rapid Transit which takes on to SF, is about a 20 minute drive from my house one way, there is a light rail near a mall which is about 10 minutes away by car.

I am wondering what do families do when they don’t let their au pair drive their cars.

Our 2 cars are brand new and very expensive cars, and not something that we would like an au pair to crash by accident, so we are hesitant to let her use either of our cars. Since its our first au pair, we don’t really want to invest the money buying a used car or to spend over $1000.00 per year to insure the au pair on the used car.

I am a stay at home mom, so we are only living on one income, so I don’t have a huge budget to cover a car expense for an au pair.

That said, how do other families handle when an au pair doesn’t have a car, if you don’t live near good public transportation?

Do you give the au pair a bike, and have they ride the bike to the nearest bus stop? Do I need to put my baby and my toddler in the car, and give her a ride to her class whenever she needs to go somewhere?

Please let me know if you guys have any ideas for me here? In a nutshell my questions, is how do you
1) keep an au pair who has a license and knows how to drive happy, without giving her a car,
2) how do you handle her getting to where she needs to go?
3) if there are very slow buses near our house and not much else, how does the au pair get to class?
4) meet up with her friends,
5) go to her au pair monthly meetings, etc.

Thanks in advance for any tips that you have. SanJoseMom

SanJoseMom,

I’m sure that there is lots of advice for you in the previous two posts. Readers will give you some specific suggestions, too, as they comment below.

And, there is one ‘big picture’ suggestion that I also want to offer you:

Put yourself in the shoes of your prospective au pair.

Imagine yourself being 19 years old, and on a year-long work/play adventure in California. What would you need to be happy? What presents an appropriate level of challenge and what might be too much for you to bear?

Your ability to put yourself in the shoes of your incoming au pair, and empathize with how the experience might feel for her, will be critical in determining how well your relationship will unfold.

Okay readers– Ready for your ideas!

We haven’t talked in much detail about how to choose an agency — I’ve steered clear of that topic because I haven’t wanted anyone to think that I’m some kind of au pair agency secret agent, sent out to lure unsuspecting host families onto the rosters of agencies for an unspecified but generous kickback.

Also, I’ve wanted to maintain a community here where it’s not about complaining about agencies but is really more focused on relationships. And, frankly, having had experience with just the one agency and been reasonably happy with them, I’ve never done any serious comparison shopping myself.

There is a lot of comparison shopping you can do on your own when you’re choosing an agency.

Much of the decision comes down to very local information–

• Which agencies cover your geographic area?
• Which agencies have well-respected local counselors (LCCs) in your area?
• Which agencies have big enough clusters that your au pair might find some friends?
• Which agencies do your friends recommend?
• Which agencies have kosher/male/piano-playing/Mandarin-speaking/culinarily-talented candidates, etc.?

Other info you can find on your own, by googling, to catch up-to-the-minute data –

• What are the current agency fees?
• Are there any active discounts?

Sometimes, you’ll just get a sense of an agency you like.

• You might get an response to an online inquiry from a counselor/agency rep who really ‘gets it’, and is there to help.

• You might realize that you really prefer a certain kind of candidate selection option — a recommendation just for you, a handful, or full-on full-access — that perhaps only one agency has.

• And, you might discover that some agencies have a terrific online presence with lots of resources, both local and national.

But is there anything else to think about?

A “Potential Host Mom” writes:

I work out of my home 3 days a week. We have two boys ages 2 ¾ and 11 months. Currently, we have a part-time American nanny.   DH and I are feeling pushed to the max and have been considering how to make some changes in our lives in order to reduce stress. After much thought, we’ve come to the conclusion that more flexible childcare would be a big help to us, as DH’s job is very demanding, and I have to travel a fair amount.

We’ve decided to go in the direction of getting an au pair. We like the idea of exposing our children to a second language, the greater flexibility, and are open to participating in cultural exchange. Additionally, we have plenty of space in our home. (Our first nanny lived with us for awhile, so we have a little experience with the live in aspect of things). I’ve been scouring your blog for advice and have found it very helpful.

I’ve searched the blog, but haven’t found extensive information on the following: What are the factors we should consider when choosing which agency to use? In reading the responses, obviously the LCC is going to be important, and we should probably try to speak with those people before making a decision. [YES] Also, it looks like the match system is important-although it is a little unclear to me on which system is best. I’m guessing that is a matter of preference. [YES]

What are the other factors that we should be thinking about?

Potential Host Mom has so many of the right questions that I’d like to offer her some answers to questions that we in this community might be have some scoop on:

1. Are there policy differences between agencies that host parents should be aware of?

2. How can we evaluate customer service prior to working with an agency?

Take it away, experts!

Image: Iron Flower from bitzcelt

See also:
Agency Policies on Withholding Pay: What are they? Calling all LCCs …
Going “Off the Board” to find an Au Pair
Poll: Have you ever switched Au Pair agencies? If so, why?

What happens when your au pair candidate says she can, but then it turns out she can’t? And, what if you said she didn’t really need to, but then you realized she did?

When we consider the characteristics and skills we want our au pair to have, we usually think about what we or our children need from an au pair. — We have to find an au pair that can swim if we have a pool for our kids, or one who likes dogs if we have dogs. If we don’t have a pool, or a dog, we don’t look for a swimmer or a dog-lover.

Sometimes, especially when we are new to au pairs, the scope of our criteria is too narrow. You au pair arrives, and something you thought s/he didn’t need to have/be, s/he actually does need to have/be.

We need to consider criteria not only from our own perspective, but also from the perspective of our potential au pairs.

Nowhere is this more true than with our criteria around driving.

Usually, we consider whether or not our kids need to be driven places, and if the answer is “yes” we look for a candidate with great driving skills. But a candidate also needs to be able to drive if you live in an area where there is nothing within walking distance and/or no easy public transportation.

If your family doesn’t live in a city or a well-developed town, your au pair needs to be able to drive well enough to use a car for his or her own purposes.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Dear Au Pair Mom,

We just welcomed our first Au Pair this Friday, and I am starting to regret the whole thing.

I am a stay at home mom with 10 month old twins and 6 months pregnant with the 3rd (due in October). I am in desperate need of help, not only as my pregnancy moves forward but also after the arrival of the baby, when we’ll have three children under 14 months old. I was sick after the birth of the twins so I need to be able to take things more easily with this pregnancy and beyond.

When the twins first arrived, I had a full time nanny that lived with us Mon-Friday for the 1st 3 months the babies were born. For the last 4 months I’ve had a mother’s helper in the mornings. Once I found out I was pregnant again I knew I’d need full time help again.I really needed full-time help and this seemed like the most economical way compared to what people charge in our area. Some people where we live pay up to 3000 a month for full-time help which we cannot afford. So the au pair idea seemed like a good one.

Our Au Pair selection criteria didn’t include “good driving”.

When we were looking at candidates, we did not require good driving skills since my husband and I are the only ones we trust to drive our daughters anywhere. And, neither of our other caregivers ever had to drive the twins anywhere, so we did not make driving skill a priority.

Our AP is 25 and from Latin America. In terms of her personality, we like this young woman. She seems like a nice person and she seems fine with the babies (very loving, etc.)

Our Au Pair told us she could drive, but she can’t.

When we interviewed her, she said she could drive. I told her via skype conversations and e-mail several times that we would give her driving privileges if she could drive well. The first day here she said she never drove an automatic car. Then she told us she actually doesn’t drive very well, either.

Once she arrived here, it became clear that she didn’t understand that we live very far from the train and there is really no bus system in our area.

Now I am feeling guilty as she will be stuck in our house 24-7. That is, unless she learns to drive better or I drive her around.

I can’t be my Au Pair’s chauffeur.

We want her to get out and have a life, but she seems very afraid to mention to us that she needs a ride. We had said we could drive her where she needs to go within reason. The 2nd day here she wanted to go to the church. It is 30 minutes away so I stupidly said yes, brought her there, had to find a place to kill time and do some shopping and pick her up 2 hours later. This one experience made me realize that, even if I “want” to drive her when she needs it, I really can’t do that. I can’t spend 2-3 hours each weekend driving her to church.

If she could drive competently she would be able to used the car herself.

Am I being selfish? I didn’t get an AP so I can chauffeur her around.

Options

We are toying with the idea of getting her driving instructions but who is to say she’ll be able to drive well enough or even pass the test.

I wonder if we should cut our losses ASAP and request someone that can get themselves around better or should we hold out. I hate to put more money out for the lessons and then still ask for another AP.

What should we do? The first three days with her have been exhausting our whole schedule is off. Plus, this issue is causing me more stress, when what I really need is an Au Pair who can reduce my stress.

I have no idea what to do. — Driven Close to the Edge

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Dear Driven,

Actually, Driven, you’re a bit further than you think.  You’ve identified your two viable options. Short of getting your au pair a nice bike, you can either
1) Try to get her driving skills up to par, or
(2) Go go into rematch.

Here’ what I’d recommend:

1. Let your community counselor know that the driving thing is a problem.

2. Assess whether your au pair has the will, the interest, the determination, to learn to drive. THis is actually more important than whether she has the ability to learn to drive in the US.

3. If she has the will, go on to step 4. If she doesn’t have the will, go directly to rematch.

4. If you think she’s determined to learn to drive, assess her current level of skill. Have Host Dad take her out for two or three sessions in a parking lot. If it looks hopeless, go directly to rematch.

5. If it looks like she just needs to get comfy with an automatic, etc. arrange for driving lessons. *Ask your Counselor if the Agency will pay for them. Be especially firm with your counselor in asking for reimbursement if you feel your au pair misrepresented her driving skill.

6. After the first professional lesson (of 1.5 or 2 hours) ask the instructor for her/his evaluation. If the professional instructor thinks your au pair is hopeless as a driver, go to rematch. if not, keep on with the lessons.

7. Consider spending up to $300 on lessons, but no more.
(Wonder ow I came up with this number? In my town, $300 would be about 4.5 to 5 hours of lessons. And, that’s about what it would cost to get a babysitter to help you for 20 hours during the week you’d go into rematch… so it’s commensurate with the rematch cost you hope to avoid.)

8. Give your au pair an ultimatum: either she learns to drive “well enough” or you must rematch. Then, watch your au pair rise to the challenge, study online videos and practice up and down your street, and voila!

If you go directly to rematch:

10. Take some of the blame. Even though she misrepresented her skills, she did this thinking that driving ability really wasn’t important.

11. Continue to be kind and helpful during rematch. Be sure to write a short letter to the Counselor and to potential rematch families clarifying that driving is the issue, and mentioning anything positive you can about the candidate. Give her a copy of this letter so she knows that you’re supporting her in finding a better placement.

12. Scour the advice on this blog for finding a rematch candidate. (Just type the word “rematch” into the search box, and there’s a wealth of wisdom and ‘how to’s”.)  There may well be a candidate out there who has realized she likes babies better than tweens…. and who doesn’t want to chauffeur kids but can drive herself to the mall. There are great candidates out there.

13. Move quickly. It may take more than two weeks to find someone… the sooner you start, the better.

14. Consider your criteria… Is there anything else you’ve realized that you need, or don’t need, in an au pair? Adjust now.

15. Remember that this can be a learning experience. Use it to practice being direct, kind and unafraid in your approach to resolving issues with a caregiver.

16. Finally, don’t feel guilty or selfish. You simply can’t be 6+ months pregnant and a chauffeur. It just can’t be done.

[[ Note: I am assuming that you live too far away for her to bike to places she wants to go. ]]

Did I miss anything? What else should Driven try?

See Also:
How to Assess an Au Pair Candidate’s Driving Experience
The Best $98 You Can Spend on Your New Au Pair
f the Au Pair Agency failed in their “due diligence”, what can Host Parent do?

Images:
Make call, drive thru from _cheryl
Drive Pink! from Farruska
Driving to my confessor from M needs a doctor

We’ve got a lit of different terms floating around to describe the written information that we give our au pairs. We call them handbooks, manuals, guidelines, and rules. (And who knows what our au pairs call them!)

For the purposes of our conversations here on AuPairMom, let’s try to lock down the terminology.

A Host Family Handbook is that big binder, stack, or drawer-full of information that we give our au pairs. It is intended for our au pair, so it should be called an Au Pair Handbook. But we call them “host family” handbooks because what makes each handbook unique is that they reflect the concerns of a particular Host Family.

Handbook:
The entire set of written, textual information that you have for your au pair about your family, your house, your community, and her general well being.

Household Manual:
All the descriptive information about how things in and around our hose work. Including, but not limited to, how to use the microwave, where to get a bus schedule, the password for the garage door, and a list of emergency phone numbers. Much of this is the sort of information you’d find in a well-organized vacation rental house.

Also, in the ‘manual’ section, you’ll have information about calling 911 and the Poison Control Center.

Guidelines:
Your description of what you’d like your au pair to do with your kids, with your family, in your home, during her or his year. This includes “advice” like “Take the second to last train”.

Childcare information:
All the important information about your children, including their daily schedules and routines, the names of their favorite stuffed animals, and procedures for making bottles, making play dates and picking kids up from school. Some people might put this in the guidelines section, others in a section of its own.

Rules:

“The directions that must be obeyed.”

“Those ‘guidelines’ that must not be broken.”

Rules  include statements that begin with the words “never”, “no”, “always”, and “We require”. Statements like:

• No texting while driving.
• No smoking.
• Always wear a seatbelt.
• Always put the children’s safety first.
• We require you to get a state driver’s license before you can use the car for personal transportation.

Rules vs. Guidelines

We host parents make a subtle distinction between rules and guidelines. Rules are concrete, specific, measurable. Breaking rules will send an au pair into rematch, breaking rules will put our kids, au pairs and homes at risk.

Guidelines are more like advice, explanation, directions regarding “how” we do things. Guidelines are what you want your au pair to follow. Not following a guideline will irk you or disappoint you, but won’t always send you and your au pair into rematch.

We have rules but hate calling them rules.

Personally, I dislike having to say to a 21 year old that we have rules she needs to follow. But guess what? It turns our that we have rules she needs to follow.

I think that I have been embarrassed at times to call these things rules, so that I have lumped them underneath the word “Guidelines” to make them seem less draconian and to make me seem less like a control freak. But truth is, there are guidelines and there are rules, even if I use the same more gentle term for both.

I probably should stop kidding myself into thinking that if I call everything a Guidelines that we seem less rigid, more flexible and more fun. But while we’re flexible and fun in some areas, there are areas where we are very very firm about what’s okay and what is not.   I think that in my next Handbook revision, I’ll make more of a distinction between rules and guidelines — in part to force myself to be clear about what our standards are, and in part ot make it easier for a n au pair to distinguish the “must do” from the ” really, really want you to do.”

What’s in your Host Family Handbook?

See also:
R.T.F.M. Making sure your Au Pair Reads the Family Manual
Sample Handbook from a Reader

Images:

Binders organized by Lana Stewart
Ninja Survival Kit by Veronica Belmont

[[I'm delighted to share with your a Guest Post from a regular contributor, Dorsi. Dorsi noted that she hasn't seen much on the blog about infants and offered to share her reflections. Reading her post brought back so many memories of those tender first days of being a mom and having to look like I knew what I was doing! How about for you?]]

I always knew I would have an AP when I had children.

I was looking at prospective candidates when I was 5 months pregnant. I matched with our au pair before I bought a crib!

As someone who had been an exchange student in high school, the program sounded perfect: friendly foreign girl gets to stay with us, experience America, provide stable child care and we get to share our fun and fantastic life, as well as the difficulties of having a baby, with an enthusiastic peer. Additionally, we had a fairly erratic schedule and normal day care options didn’t work for us. Luckily, the baby came at a time when our finances could handle the AP program fees (in our area of the country, APs cost significantly more than infant care).

While I don’t know everything there is to know about APs and babies, I now have a toddler and have had some time to reflect on the experience. It found it provided better child care than I could have hoped for, but was more personally challenging than I expected.

My AP started when my baby was 2 months old.

Advantages of an Au Pair with an Infant

-Decrease in Illnesses
This has been touched on recently in other threads, but keeping the baby out of public spaces, especially early on, has a tremendous impact on the number of illnesses the whole family experiences. I think the AP program trumps all other forms of child care on this front. Even though my AP went out in the world, we still had less exposure to pathogens than other forms of in-home care – even bringing a college student, grandmother, etc. into out home.

-Breastfeeding
I have friends and colleagues who have had many battles with day care over how much to feed the baby, how often, and if they should supplement with formula and rice cereal. Those moms who have had successful long-term breastfeeding relationships and who work outside the home, know that it takes a lot of cooperation on the part of the caregiver. My AP didn’t have a lot of preconceived ideas and followed my instructions easily. Also, when I need to sleep (I work swing shifts and nights) or do other things around the house, the AP could get me to feed the baby and then I could go back to what I was doing.

-Avoidance of Separation Anxiety
Though we had days where the babe preferred the AP and days were she preferred me, we never had to go through the stage of leaving a screaming, unhappy child at day care. The AP was just part of our household flow and handing off responsibility was seamless.

-Easing into the AP program
Having an AP can be fraught with issues (thus the existence of AP mom), as well as joy. As first time parents, we were able to avoid some of the big ones:
- Driving – baby has no need for being driven anywhere, so we happily selected a non-driver.
- Role Model – this is not an aspect we worry about, babe is not going to be influenced by AP’s eating habits, dating/partying, etc.

-Travel
I found it easy to take my breast fed baby on a handful of work trips when she was small and not so mobile. It wasn’t too expensive to buy an extra ticket for the AP, and travel was fairly painless with another set of hands. With my toddler, I don’t know that there is the same ease and value with taking her places, but it was another way that the AP simplified my life with a newborn.

-All the usual advantages of the AP program
– flexibility, no missed work because the baby is too sick for daycare, one on one care.

Disadvantages of an Au Pair with an Infant

- Witness to parenting struggles
When my babe was born, I had several ideas about sleep training, pacifier use, solid food introduction, scheduling, etc. Like most new moms, the ideas have changed. When we decided that letting the baby “cry-it-out” a la Ferber was the right thing to do, I also had to convince the AP (and live with her silent judgment). This may be a non-issue for a lot of people, but having another person see you change course, contradict yourself, and struggle made things harder for me.

-The “three month rule”
APs are not allowed to be alone with infants less than 3 months of age. I worked evenings when the AP started, so she provided care only when my husband was also home, or I was home sleeping. For people with a more typical schedule, this wouldn’t have been possible. Occasionally we had a grandparent or a friend who would hang out at the house for an hour or two and supervise the AP in the beginning. As much as this was a hassle—I do think it is good policy. Someone who is new in this country (and maybe doesn’t have tons of time with tiny babies) should not be alone with a fragile newborn.

-Isolation (for us)
We know very few parents socially and the AP program hasn’t helped with that at all. We also get no feedback from experienced child care providers. While this is sometime nice (no one to tell me that we should start solids sooner/later) it would be nice to hear how others are solving the problems we are dealing with. This may be a fantasy of having a great day care community that wouldn’t really exist. The AP may offer ideas on nap scheduling, but they are usually fairly inexperienced compared to other child care providers.

-Isolation (for AP):
Babies don’t do much and we didn’t have anyone that the AP knew for play dates. Couple that with the difficulty of scheduling around naps – I think there were some very long days at home with the baby alone for the AP. This worked out okay with our AP, but could have been a significant problem for some APs.

Surprises and Things I wish I knew

-“Mom” vs “Peer”
As a new mother, I really didn’t think of myself as “mom” to the young woman who moved into our house. I hardly thought myself a “mom” to the tiny crying thing in the next room. It was a little shocking to be referred to as her “host mom” and to suddenly feel like I had to parent my AP. This may have been a little bit specific to the AP I matched with, but she expected to take on the role of daughter in the household. We struck a balance, eventually.

-Breastfeeding
Not every AP thinks this is normal and not “icky.” Luckily my AP had no problem handling breast milk and following my instructions. She was not uncomfortable with me breastfeeding in her presence. However, I would ask the AP in the future what about her comfort level prior to matching.

• Host parents, what parts about Dorsi’s reflections on having an au pair care for your infant resonate with your experience?
• If you have used the specialized “infant care” or infant-trained au pair, does that seem to have made a difference?
• Au Pairs, if you’ve cared for a little baby, what else might you add from your point of view?

See Also:

Starting out on the right foot, when you’re on maternity leave
Would you recommend an Au Pair to…Parents of baby twins?

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