This is a heavy topic for a Friday. Apologies in advance.

I’ve mentioned before that I believe that there are just as many young people who become au pairs to escape something as there are those who become au pairs to find something.

Au Pairs who are escaping are fleeing from acute personal disappointments, painful family dynamics and oppressive social conditions. Often, you’ll have no idea that your au pair has been a victim of one of these situations, or that s/he is fleeing from one of these situations, until s/he breaks down crying in front of you for (what you think is) no reason at all.

In conversation with my own au pairs and also with their friends, I have learned about fathers having affairs with sisters in law, uncles being murdered execution-style over land disputes, children being sexually and emotionally abused by grandparents or neighbors, childhood friends committing suicide, children being beaten by family members, teenagers cutting themselves, and self-destruction through eating disorders.

And, lest you wonder which of my own au pairs experienced any of these, with the exception of the uncle’s murder, each of situations was experience by at least two au pairs I have spoken to personally. The world is really that horrible.

Nothing has pushed my protective mamabear buttons as much as hearing these stories from the lovely young women who have been part of our family’s life. I have often wondered how to help, other than by simply listening. I have pondered whether to offer advice, considered whether to follow up with questions, looked for instances to demonstrate that life can be different, and sought out resources ranging from self-help books to counseling to offer them. I have driven them to the doctor, held their hands, and hugged them as they’ve cried.

When your au pair is struggling with difficult news from home, or a local situation that has called up bad memories, it can be hard to know what to do with this knowledge. Maybe some of this pain is continuing to hurt her, and to hurt her interaction with the world.

When I was talking about this issue recently with another parent (who does not have au pairs) she asked me whether, in any of these situations, I thought that an au pair’s experience ever influenced her ability to care for my kids. For example, can an au pair who was regularly “punished” with a belt strap or a hairbrush remain calm and kind when kids are misbehaving?

I firmly believe that none of our au pairs or their friends responded in this way to the children they have cared for. Rather than seeing a direct influence, I’ve perceived (or imagined) something more indirect– an inability to trust, or be open, or believe that you can be loved.

What I have tried to do, in each of these cases, is demonstrate to the best of my ability that there is love in the world, and that there is enough love in the world to help with this hurt. I can’t fix the political situation in Botswana, but I can listen to and believe the fear, and remind an au pair that she is safe here and that she can trust police officers.

I can model (to the best of my ability) forgiveness of my children and especially forgiveness of myself when I completely lose control. I can apologize. I can argue fairly with my husband in front of our au pair and reconcile in a loving way. I can buy healthy food and comment on her lovely personality and not on her physical appearance.

I can remind her that she is strong, and that what happened before doesn’t have to happen when she goes home.

When your au pair has confided in you, what was that like for you?

Did it push your buttons, nudge you to intervene or quietly move you away?

What have you worried about? How have you been able to help?

secret heart from Kaitlin M

‘SotaGal commented last week about, sometimes, she just wants to be with her kids, alone.

“Mommy-a-mano”, no DH, no DP, no AP. Just Mom & the kids.

There is nothing wrong with that. We all want 1 on 1/2/3 time, time when we are the only adult in the room, the only adult in the universe, with our little babies all to ourselves.

This is normal, and natural, and common. So, why does it feel so hard to say?

One reason is that, for the host parent, mentioning that we need time alone with the kids reminds us of how precious that time can be. Some of us only really get quiet time with one kid or another when they are sick, or when they have crawled into bed with us on a Sunday morning. We are glad to have help from our au pair, and to have our au pair as part of our lives, but we don’t want that all the time.

From another perspective, suggesting that you don’t want your au pair around right now is akin to saying, out loud, that having her/him around cramps your style. It may lead your au pair to think, just for a minute, that his or her presence is an obstruction, a cross that parents have to bear, even though we need the help.

The scary thing is, there is truth in both of those reasons.  Having another caregiver around *does* change the parent-child(ren) dynamic. This is true whether than other caregiver is a teacher, an au pair, or a grand parent.

How can we deal with this need, and create some space for our private time with our kids, without hurting our au pair’s feelings or triggering concerns?

Sota Gal asks:

I have a question for the au pairs here with my gray area… As a mom who works from home, helps DH run his business and divides time caring for our 3 kids how do I handle/say that I just need some time alone with “my” kids?

Our current AP seems to get very offended when I tell her she can be done early because I want to spend some quality time (alone) with my children.

Once I did ask her to turn on the oven so I could start dinner in a bit but other than that she was done and free for the rest of the day. When I started the conversation I said that I was done working for the day, I had had a long couple of days and missed spending time with the munchkins and I would love to play with them alone now. You can have the rest of the day off!

I really think I made it sure she knew that it was nothing she was doing, just that I wanted to do something fun with them (rather than dinner, sports, errands, getting ready for bed which I do every day). And because of my schedule and the fact that we have 3 year old twins and an 8 year old, she and I often do fun things together with the kids.

Is there something I could have done differently?

Image: Mom and Daughter from VancityAllie

Readers, Here’s a specific question about choosing the right au pair for a family that has lost their mom through tragedy.

We had one host dad comment on our earlier post about single parents, and I know that there are at least two other host dad-readers who have lost their wives and who have hired au pairs to help with childcare and to offer a little extra warmth to the kids. Likely, there are other readers out there with first hand experience or other close up advice to share.

Here is our email from the host mom & friend wondering whether to suggest an au pair to a newly widowed dad:

Sadly, one of my closest friends recently passed away from breast cancer leaving behind a husband, a 7 year old son and a 3 year old daughter. I’m thinking an au pair MIGHT be a wonderful option for this family as he needs a lot of help with his children since he must continue to work full-time. However, I have the following concerns:

* Availability. Are there au pairs that a strong enough to handle this difficult situation where the family will be grieving the loss of this wonderful person and mother? (My friend needs a stable, sensitive person in the home, not someone that would bring more problems.)

* Perception concerns. Will people think it is creepy that a 40 something man has a 20 something young, un-married woman, living in the house? How does he and the au pair handle inappropriate comments?

* Setting kids up for another loss. Should he be concerned about hiring someone who might only stay one year? My children LOVE our au pair and I know it will be difficult when she leaves. For these children, whose mother has died, would an au pair leaving after one year be just another tough loss for them?

BTW this father is a typical engineer – focused on facts, very organized and does not readily show emotion.

I’m sure there are more questions but these are some of the key ones. I welcome your comments and your advice. Thank you so much. AG

Hi AG,

It is so hard to lose a friend, to cancer or to another tragedy; I am so sorry for your loss. I can appreciate how much it could mean to you, and to your friend’s family, for you to be able to offer them some help with the childcare challenges. I hope we can offer some helpful insights.

Of course there is no filling in the space left by the loss of a mom (or a wife, or friend). And, I agree with you that an au pair may be a very good way to provide both childcare and another consistent adult presence. A great au pair could be a positive force in this family’s situation.

I’m pretty sure that other host parent will agree; there are some au pairs who would be great in this situation. I know that some of our former au pairs would have been able to handle this well, and I know two au pairs who have been in similar situations and handled it well.

The challenge is not just finding an au pair who can handle it but also finding one that can fit well with a family that (regardless of the chance that stress will change what’s ‘normal’ for the famiy) is a good fit in terms of personality.

We’ve talked a little bit on other posts about the perception issues – so look there for ideas to add to what readers will share in the comments.

With regard to the kids and another experience of loss – this strikes me as the hardest issue.

Even if an au pair extends for another year, she or he will eventually go back home. But it is also true that other kinds of caregiving arrangements don’t always last as long as you hope. People leave, they change jobs, etc. A friend of mine just lost her nanny of three years when the nanny died suddenly in her sleep! So there is no guarantee.

When people ask me if it is hard for kids to say goodbye to an au pair, I answer that yes, it can be hard to say goodbye. This is one of the things that host kids get to learn how to do when they have au pairs.

The flip side, the positive side, of this is that host kids learn that there are many different people out there who can come into their lives and create a loving relationship with them, and leave and continue a loving relationship with them. Kids learn that people leave, that this is okay, and that there is a lot of love out there to be shared.

Let’s hear from you readers— what advice can you offer AG?

See Also:

Myths about Au Pairs: Au Pair = “Hottie”
Follow Up: Rude Comments about Au Pairs– How to respond

Photo: Lost-in-Lomo from Joel Bedford on Flickr

Regardless of the type of childcare your family chooses for your kid(s), there is always some work involved in maintaining your relationship with the actual caregivers.

With a daycare center, you need to communicate with the staff members and with the administrators on things ranging from schedules to toilet-training strategies. With your mother, mother-in-law or other family member, you have to manage social (power) dynamics of the basic relationships while you try to get things done the way you want them. With nannies and au pairs you need to negotiate everything from care use to playdate arrangements.

With every form of childcare, you will intentionally or unintentionally make make some kind of emotional investment in your relationship with the caregiver. At the very least, you’re bonding with them over how damn adorable your kid is. In the best case, you’re creating a partnership with them so that everyone thrives– you thrive, your kids thrive, and your caregiver thrives.

With au pairs, in addition to establishing a relationship around caring for those adorable little(r) people, you have two extra areas where you need to make an emotional investment:

(1) as parents sharing their home with another adult person, and

(2) as grown-ups working with someone who’s still actively growing up.

Au Pairs fall into that weird grey area of being ‘adult’ enough to leave home, to be trusted with the care of children, to drive, and to make important social and financial decision for themselves. They are adult enough to have signed a contract to be an au pair for an entire 12 months.

And, at the same time, au pairs are often having their first experience with living away from home, establishing themselves socially in a brand new group of people, figuring out a new culture/language and sometimes even having their first full-time job, with serious work demands.

About your home

With au pairs sharing a home with us, we have to learn how to manage our privacy, our emotions, and our openness to another person’s social and emotional needs. You have to figure out what you have to offer, and what s/he needs, and what you can give, every day all week long. I don’t know about you, but I am not always ‘on’, or even pleasant, 24/7.

But I have had to learn how to manage that, so that our au pairs can feel welcomed and at home.

You also need to help au pairs learn to live in your house and home. You can’t expect an au pair to know which is your favorite coffee mug, or to realize that you can hear her Skyping at 3 a. m., or to know when to withdraw from the room when your sister calls to talk about your mom. These are things that you have to teach your au pair, gently. And, before you can even teach him or her how to respond, you have to become aware of what bothers you and what you’d prefer.

About her or his adult-ness

Au pairs are usually still at an age where they are going through a lot of emotional and social growing. They don’t have it all figured out, and most of them haven’t figured out how to deal with not having it all figured out. They’re going to do things like get drunk, overspend, stay out overnight, smash up your car, overuse the phone and the interwebz, be clingy, misread your social cues, get homesick, argue with their parents, and break up with their BBB(G)Fs.

And you are going to need to be willing to help them.

That’s part of the deal, of having ‘live in’ childcare, of having an ‘on par family member‘, and joining in a ‘cultural exchange’.

So how do you approach this emotional investment?

I know that each time we’ve had a new au pair, I’ve been aware that I need to start all over again– not just in teaching them our family systems and how we parent around here– but in creating a relationship with our new au pair herself.

This has sometimes been pretty hard for me– I’ve been burned out from the high maintenance au pairs, or irked after the really crappy au pair, or heart-broken at the departures of the wonderful au pairs. I’ve found that I almost start out begrudgingly, because I want to spare myself the work and the disappointment if things don’t go well.

I think that other host parents feel this hesitation too, regardless of where they fall on the spectrum of ‘au pair as employee’ or ‘ au pair as family member’.

And this doesn’t even include anything about your kids!

Things I have tried to remember:

Every relationship deserves its investment. You never know what this au pair relationship is going to bring your family. Although any au pair relationship will always be work, and always have some challenges, the chances are that your au pair relationships will bring you enough family happiness that it will be worth it.

We can’t really guard against being hurt or disappointed by an au pair who disappoints us by not making an emotional investment in them, in their well being, and in their learning.

We have to make that investment, right at the start, rather than withholding until they prove they won’t disappoint. Because, you know, if we withhold at the start we make it more likely that they (and we) will fail.

It is especially crushing when an au pair ‘dumps you’, disappears on you, turns out to be a spoiled brat, or for some other reason goes into ‘transition.’ What a colossal waste of time and energy!

It even hurts when she goes home or transitions for reasons that have nothing to do with job performance or your relationship (like when one of our great APs went home early b/c her father died).

When you start to feel weighed down or apprehensive about the emotional energy it takes to have a good au pair relationship,

what do you tell yourself to help yourself rise back up to the challenge?

A large number of au pairs, perhaps even a majority, become au pairs in the US as a way to escape something at home.

They may be escaping a bleak economic outlook, a scarcity of jobs post-high school, intense political strife, or an unsafe environment. Many au pairs are escaping bad family situations, including their parents’ divorces, infidelities, emotional problems, and controlling behaviors over their children.

Recognizing that an au pair might be very happy to be away from her home country or her family of origin is not to suggest that these women and men are not genuinely interested in caring for children, living with a host family, or exploring life in the US. But it is important to recognize that there are often problems back home, and these problems will have a negative impact on your au pair.

When a ‘child’ ‘escapes’ from a bad family situation, what is already a bad scene at home can become unstable. Parents, siblings, and others may make demands on your  au pair that your au pair cannot figure out how to meet.

Thus, when an au pair confides in you that s/he has a problem ‘back home’, it’s one of those times when you have to think about what kind of parent-employer you can be to her or him. Your au pair may need some personal support, and s/he may also need some nudging to keep doing the au pair job well.

Let me tell you from my experience– this can be very hard to do.

Here’s a request for advice from a host mom whose au pair is being stressed out by a problem ‘back home’ with her mother. The set up of the host family situation is a little complicated, with a total of two au pairs for a family with six kids, so I’ve deleted some of the details. In general, the host family is concerned b/c they don’t have the work or financial flexibility to deal with yet another rematch.

Dear AuPairMom Readers –

I need some advice. I have not dealt with this issue before and can sure use some help.

Our AP is 20 years old and from Germany with a Kurdish heritage. She is a delightful young girl who does very well with our children. She is prompt, kind, warm- hearted and responsible.

She comes from a family of 5 children. ( she is the 4th child). She has described her cultural and family background as being very strict. At home in Germany they have to be home before dark, they are not allow to sleep over at friend’s house. ll of the siblings live at home the oldest being 25 and the youngest 16, they are not allowed move out until they marry. They are not allowed to have a boyfriend or marry outside of her family religion.

Only two weeks ago she was told that she had to separate from the boyfriend of 6 months because he was not Yezida even though he is Kurdish. Her sister wouldn’t speak to her because she was dating outside of the families wishes. The sister said, if you do not end the relationship I will tell on you.

Our au pair suspects she might be the only Kurdish girl in the AP program.

But here is the big problem:

Our AP’s mother is homesick for her daughter. The mom back in Germany goes into the AP’s empty bedroom every day and cries for hours that she misses her daughter so much. She tells her daughter that she picks up articles of clothing, perfume or whatever is in the AP room to feel close to her. She has expressed to my Au-pair that no one helps her (the mom) and she needs my au-pair to be home.

She relied on my AP for everything, the mother is lonely and so heartened that she is here. The mom has limited resources. She is poorly educated — she can not read nor write or drive. She can not pay bills or venture anywhere without her husband or children. I can accept that the mother may be unable or willing to learn or to manage on her own. But, I am upset about is that the mother asks the Au Pair to return home next month.

Every time my AP speaks with her mother via phone or msn she cries. The mother makes my Ap upset and has her feeling bad about being here. Tonight our Au Pair was in tears again and said she didn’t feel well today. I ask her why and she said it was because her mother missing her so much. My Au-pair is NOT homesick, she has never traveled anywhere and is doing very well here. I think she is very happy to have some freedom and not be under the direction of her family.

I am afraid that the mother will put so much negative pressure on our Au Pair that our Au Pair will return home early. She has been upset about this several times and I think she mentioned it to me several times. Tonight really got me worried when she was upset yet again. Any thoughts?

What can I say to her to help both our Au Pair and the mom?

We have 6 children in which 4 are teenagers and two smaller children. I own a business and so does my husband, so both of us are very busy. We can’t image having to screen for yet another au-pair and upset the smaller children again.

I feel like we have been on a roller coaster with this program. We have alot to offer to our AP’s and not meaning material things. ( yes, they get wonderful perks ). How can I prevent this lovely girl from going back home?

I appreciate if you could post a bit of this to see what kind of feedback I would get from other HP.

Pa Mom of two au-pairs

Photo: Hole in the Heart from EltonHarding. Please check out his beautiful images on Flickr.

We host parents can be a weird bunch. The kinds of things that drive us crazy… no wonder it can be hard for au pairs to get adjusted!

Over the weekend I heard a crazy lament that I want to share with you.

My friend has a new au pair, who’s been with them about 6 weeks now. They like her very much and feel confident that she’ll have a great year with them. All is going smoothly except for one thing:

“She’s using my coffee mug,” the host mom says.

Um, hello? You have about 27 coffee mugs in that cabinet there. What’s the problem?

“It’s my coffee mug. My favorite coffee mug. The one my roommate gave me when I turned 25. The pretty blue one with the pink inside. The one that she has decided is her favorite.

She’s using it all the time and I never get to!”

What to do? Options include:

1. Remove the coffee mug from circulation until this au pair leaves.
2. Place a large label on the mug that says “Mom’s mug”.
3. Hide the coffee mug somewhere weird, pulling it out to use it yourself and then putting it back immediately— no trips to the dishwasher.
4. Buy your au pair a special mug all of her own.
5. Have a brief, honest talk and tell her that the mug is your personal fave and only for you.
6. Just get over it already. For god’s sake it’s just a mug.

Other ideas?

Mug Shot! from life serial
Multiple Choice from .Irit.
eyes, scarf, mug from brianna hope

A Host Mom writes with a story that will irk us all.  The situation is ‘over’, but she still has to cope. And, we can all wonder– how could we prevent something like this from happening in our town?

Dear Au Pair Mom Readers-

Has anyone else had the experience of discovering that their au pair has gone behind their back to find another “better” job in the same city? You might call it “Somebody stole my au pair” except that our au pair had a hand in it.

To give you some background, we are a very warm family with two grade school children. Both parents work. Our au pair (our first), a Western European woman, never got truly used to being an au pair. Although she took wonderful care of our children and was keenly aware of their safety (and we realize that this is the most important thing), we found out recently (after 4 months on the job) that she resented having to wake up early on weekday mornings, being in charge of tidying the kids’ rooms (with the kids’ help), doing their laundry, and organizing the playroom. She also resented having to work 40 to 45 hours per week, since both of us work.

She had a beautiful room, use of the car (with some distance limitations), her own computer/skype, TV and DVD player, and we provided her with a cell phone.  For the most part, she was smiling, interacting and joking with all of us, having a fantastic and busy social life, and did her work.

We helped her a great deal with her transition to U.S. life, took her on vacation to the beach, provided her with many tips on where to shop and travel, welcomed her friends at our pool, and we were always open to her whenever she had concerns.

Thus, it came to us as a big shock when she announced that she wanted to “rematch”. We told her that it would not be easy to find a new family in our city, but she still quit. Just a couple of days later, we found out that she had been speaking to a new family in our city, had told them that she was going to quit, and asked them to apply to our au pair agency right after she quit (which the did and she became their au pair). Next thing I know, she is driving a brand new Mercedes and moving into a huge house…

I am curious if anyone has had a similar experience. How did you deal with it?

– TryingToGetOverIt

Parents, we got this email from an active commenter, who doesn’t really have a “problem” we can fix — but she does need us a little bit. Can you share any wisdom that might make this hard situation a little easier for her and her Au Pair?

We love our au pair. She came to use through rematch, and extended. Things are so easy with her. Not perfect, but stable, loving, and easy. She loves both our girls, they love her–and they listen to her. She is smart, talented, trustworthy, and an overall good egg.

She has asked us to help her get a student visa. This topic has been discussed a lot on the blog, but because my DH and I both work for the government we can not take any chances skirting the laws.  If she got the visa and then walked the kids home from school for us regularly, that would be “work” even if it were bartered, and she is not allowed to “work” for the people who sponsor her student visa. (If I’m wrong, please somebody tell me!) We cannot in good conscience skirt that “work” issue, even though we could reduce her work week down to only about 15 hours.

(Those are 15 hours I don’t feel comfortable warehousing my kids in the after-school program for; yes, I’ve thought about it, it would be cheaper than a full time au pair, but I’m not ready to do that yet. And since we don’t have the latch-key option anymore, we need an alternative. The summertime hours problem kills the educare option for us. Ultimately no cost savings there at all, since you have to buy camp and other babysitters to keep their hours down.)

So I’m sitting shiva with the impending end of this very lovely thing we have going.

Sadly, we can’t afford to sponsor her student visa, pay for her to go to college until she finds adequate other income, and also host another au pair to take care of the kids. (For us, the cost of sponsoring and sending her to college here would be basically equal to the cost of hosting an au pair.) If we had an extra room, I’d happily house her and feed her but I can’t even offer her that. Also, the idea of being so responsible for someone who has no job or other income is intimidating.

I just dread telling her that there isn’t much we can do for her.

I dread several parts of this:
- telling her the bad news,
- knowing how letdown she will feel after the conversation sinks in, and
- wanting to spare her feelings from seeing my screen or hearing me on the phone while I search for her successor.

And we have to tell her soon, so this will be looming around the house as she finishes out her year. It seems disloyal, when she has been so loyal and lovely to us. Any ideas on how to make this less painful for all of us?

Parents and au pairs, the lines are open. Send in your suggestions!

We’re 1 month into our first au pair and not sure if it’s going to be ok or not. Just to clarify we’re based outside the US so our au pair has not come to us through an agency, in fact she is American.

We have 3 kids, all under 6 and there is no language barrier as we didn’t want to have to worry about that. I’m a SAHM who needs help because one of our children has special needs and takes a lot of attention. We interviewed via email and skype prior to employing her and thought we were getting a reasonably bubbly, cheerful, outgoing au pair. We didn’t.

Our issues are:

1. Our au pair is not very enthusiastic with the children. She came with great references but I have already had to talk to her about how to engage the children and be more enthusiastic. I set up activities but because she approaches them with such a lack of enthusiasm they never last long. This is especially true with the younger two children who are not bonding well with her.

2. She never talks to us (HF) unless spoken to first, never initiates conversation and we get only limited responses when we try to open up a conversation. As a result talking can be quite painful. She very obviously wants to spend her time off away from the family which is something we can live with but the lack of communication when she is working does as it affects the atmosphere in the house. It’s even basic stuff like she will not communicate to us whether or not she is in or out for dinner unless we ask. I spoke to her about this and she told me she tends to take a backseat in a new situation and just observe until she feels comfortable, trouble is it’s been a month and it’s making us uncomfortable now.

I have spoken to her about both these issues and seen a little improvement with the children, but no improvement on the adult communication issue.   I’m not sure whether to keep ploughing on or whether to cut our losses now. Trouble is, because there is no agency back up, if it doesn’t work out with us she has to go home, though this is a risk she knew she was taking before she joined us.

She is only due to be with us for 5 months but it’s feeling like it could be a long time. Any thoughts on how to improve the situation?

thanks — KP in the UK

Molly: A Dog With A Lot On Her Mind from miscpix

Here’s a painful situation, about which this host mom could use some good advice. I’m sure that this kind of situation has happened to other families who’ve gone into rematch [Something similar happened to us with our flame-out au pair, and so reading this mom's email got me all mad all over again. What went wrong here? This mom may never know. ]

Our 21 year-old au pair abruptly stopped speaking with both of us host parents on Monday, and then quit and moved out of the house overnight on Tuesday, after we tried to sit down and determine what was going on with her. She refused to speak with us when we tried to determine what was bothering her and, although she is in touch by email, we have no idea where she has gone or why.

This au pair traveled extensively with our family, received “perks” of tennis lessons, sailing lessons, and a club memberships. She has developed friendships with our friends and neighbors.

We opened our home to several of her friends for weeks at a time, and hosted her parents, sister and grandmother at Christmastime, providing car service to and from the airport and a case of wine for their enjoyment. The relationship, which was approaching its eleventh month, seemed fine from the host family perspective. We were pleased with her interaction with the three children (9. 8 and 4), and her growth as a member of the household.   She has been interested in extending (we don’t extend beyond a year with anyone), and we encouraged her take what she has learned with us and apply it to a different situation, in a different region of the country, and we actively supported her efforts to do so, helping her tweak her online profile, etc.

Her suddenly invoking the silent treatment and then refusing to discuss matters with us has felt rude, immature and hurtful given the good year to this point and the generosity we have extended in sharing our lives with her.

We are an experienced host family, having had approximately eight years’ worth of au pairs, and we are completely flummoxed by the situation, but here’s the kicker…she wants to come around and say goodbye to the children.

My husband is of the opinion that our now-former au pair doesn’t deserve this privilege. He wonders who we are trying to mollify and feels that our kids need to move on. He feels that it is better for them to have the same reaction as we did (bewilderment, shock) so, as a “team” we can all pull each other through it. If the au pair couldn’t or wouldn’t explain herself to the host parents, what could she possibly say to our children?

At this point, the children are mixed about whether they care to see her again. They are hurt, angry and confused, as are we.

However I don’t want the rawness of our emotions at this time to cloud our judgment, and I am curious what more objective souls might say. — Dee

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And, obviously, we’ll need to hear how the rest of the story unfolds Dee…