SuperHost Mom and contributing AuPairMom Advisor TACL (Taking a Computer Lunch) noticed that the blog has been rather quiet of late. Using her Masterpiece Theatre Poirot and Holmes skills, she correctly deduced that I’ve been overwhelmed enough by work that I haven’t been able to keep up. As always, lots of work is good for me and my consulting, but not so good for AuPairMom.

As is her style, TACL has jumped in with a terrific contribution:

Ending the Year on The Right Note

Having hosted APs now for the better part of 10 years, I know how hard it is to say goodbye.

Sure, your AP said goodbye to her friends and family before she came to the U.S., but it was more of a “I’m off on an adventure, see you later!” goodbye.

Having watched 6 au pairs say goodbye to us, and countless of their friends say goodbye, I realize what an emotional roller coaster it is very everyone. For those of us with school-age children, we watch their anxiety and separation. As host parents, if it’s not going well, we find fault with every little thing our AP does until we reach the boiling point. My own mother had a theory that it was easier to say goodbye to us as we went off to college if she was mad at us – same may hold true for APs.

And, I think it is worse for the APs. Of course they’re going home to see family and old friends, but they are leaving you behind, your kids, and their new friends. For the first time for many of them it isn’t “I’m off on an adventure, see you later!” — they really don’t know if or when they will be able to return. (And if you’re mad at them, of course they won’t be able to return and it really is goodbye – how isolating.)

DH and I hosted a barbeque for our AP and her best AP friends. Although our AP doesn’t leave for a month, my own children are heading off to sleep-away camp and the number of free days was running out.

We asked them the same questions we ask at similar events every year: What do you most miss about home?, What meal are you going to ask your mom or grandma to make? What surprised you most about the U.S.? What will you miss most? And I will tell you, if you’re an AP at my table, you’re a very thoughtful young woman who speaks almost fluently in English (especially compared to the first time you showed up in our house in September). Going clubbing and partying were not among her answers.

I realized that as much as the bbq was a means for me and my family to say goodbye to my AP’s friends, it was also a goodbye for my AP and her best buddies.

They all met at orientation – they’re not even from the same cluster.. One is going to hit the road while her HF goes on vacation and will be gone before my AP returns from her own travel month. Another will head home almost immediately after her last day in the U.S., as her family needs her to use the money she has saved to pay for some university expenses at home.

And the 3rd? Her HF is leaving on vacation soon and ordered her not to be in the house when they return home, so her last goodbyes to her HKs will occur before they leave on vacation.[how cruel, says cv]

(And yes, she will arrive at our home just before her HF returns because our AP asked and we said yes – she is a sweet girl, perhaps still immature, but of all our AP’s friends, she is the one who is most communicative with us when she is our guest.) Personally, it makes me sad that she is cut-off from her year in the States. If she is to return to visit, then she is more likely to stay with us than her HF.

Why do I write this? Because I know how hard it is to stay on an even keel as HM as your AP does the count-down.

As they get ready to depart, APs need to have one last party, one last good-bye, while we as HMs still need the childcare. But think of this – not only is your AP an ambassador from her country – and her behavior will shape whether you say yeah or nay to a young woman (or man) from that country again — you are also an ambassador.

Have a final relationship-building check-in meeting

I’m not advocating bending over backward, or even giving in to every request. I’m advocating taking a deep breath and sitting down and having an honest conversation about what you want from her in the last 4-8 weeks of her year. Do this without getting angry or cutting her off from the rest of your life. Do this with the idea that it’s a chance to reinforce all the good things she’s done with and for your family.

Acknowledge that she has some very emotional goodbyes of her own to share.

My AP’s best friends are all from her country, but that doesn’t mean that it will be easy for them to get together. Each young woman has her own course of study at a different university in mind. They will move on – they are all adults now. From this point onward, friends will come in and out of their immediate lives and they will have to work hard to remain in contact with those with whom they had a close emotional relationship here during their AP year, at university, in their first job, etc. Just as we HMs and HDs do. However, at this point in their lives, it’s very hard to say “goodbye” and really mean “I don’t know when or if I will see you again.”

If you have less than 4 weeks left – it’s time to have one final check-in.

See also:
The 2nd Best Goodbye Gift You Can Give Your Au Pair (also by TACL)
“Her Next Adventure”: Telling your kids that your Au Pair is leaving
Saying Goodbye to an Au Pair you Parents really love
Goodbye Gifts for Your Au Pair
Phases of the AP Year
A Good Au Pair Relationship Requires Your Emotional Investment

Images: Kathi ci marcherai (we will miss you) cake, by electricblue86

Our au pairs get an up-close and personal view of our families.

Sometimes they see things we don’t see, maybe even things we don’t want to see for ourselves.

Because au pairs interact with our children when we parents are often not around, and they spend longs days with our kids, they may notice things about our children that might surprise us. Au pairs may see developmental issues, emotional issues, new patterns of behavior, new things learned, new frustrations, and so on.

We hope to hear most of these things in our one-on-one meetings with our au pairs, or at the transitions when they go off duty and we’re back in charge. But what happens when there is an issue about a child that’s hard to bring up? What about when your au pair feels s/he needs to tell you that something more serious might need our attention?

Would you shoot the messenger?

As Kennedy writes:

I’m 22, an American and I Au Pair for a pretty cool family in Germany. I’ve been with them for over 6 months now and I only have 2 months left with them. Things with them have not been perfect but they are nice people and always willing to work with me. They speak almost perfect English and so do the 4 children. Boy 14, Girl 12, Girl 8 and Boy 6. The HF works full-time and the HM works part time but has many activities outside the home.

For the most part the family seems to like me. At the beginning I told them I thought I needed to rematch. Three things were going on:

1. They lied to me about living arrangements.
2. They don’t follow the German Guidelines for how many hours an Au Pair should work and what duties she is suppose to do.  The biggest issue?
3. The youngest child has violent outbursts and has other serious behavior problems.

We worked through the first two issues through compromising and it worked out fine for both of us. But we still have some communication issues.

And as I’m coming to the end of my work here I’ve come to the conclusion that the youngest child might have some type of disability that either they did not tell me about or has not been diagnosed. I’m afraid for him because after 7 months it’s obvious to me his violence is not a phase.

The parents blame me for his outbursts, which I think is unfair because I am often the receiver of the violence. For example-when he does not want to go to Tennis he will throw things around the house. He has bitten me when I kept him from attacking his sister. (I had to tell the parents if he ever bites me again I will have to leave this family the next day.) Plus he has other issues with paying attention in school, speech, ect.

That leads me to wonder if he has some type of undiagnosed disorder that the parents are just ignoring? Their parenting style is to “never use negative re-enforcement to correct bad behavior”. Or maybe he is just crying out for more attention from his parents. I’ve worked with children for many years before becoming an Au Pair. I’ve taken several psychology courses in college and high school but of course this in no way makes me an expert. But I believe something may be wrong.

Personally, I care a lot for this family and I want the little guy to get help if he needs it.

My Question for Mothers and Fathers out there is:

How can I broach such a delicate subject with the parents when we have communication issues? Because I will be leaving soon, I may have a window during which I can tell them, but avoid bearing the brunt of their anger, denial or concerns.

I believe some of these communication blocks happened because they do not value my opinion. I am not as educated as they are. But I’m not stupid. I’ve been in college, traveled and I know children. This boy’s behavior is not normal.

How can I make them see that without them “Shooting the messenger” so to speak?

Any advice would be lovely. I’m really looking to see this situation from a different angle.

If you think that this au pair should discuss their son’s anger with the parents-

• How should she bring it up?
• When should she bring it up?
• What can she do to prepare herself, and her host parents, for the conversation?

Image: awry from onenineteen

Would you match with a candidate who told you that she’d been treated for anorexia, and was currently healthy and in recovery?

(Keep in mind that being “in recovery” for an anorexic is like being ‘”in recovery” for an alcoholic, in the sense that you are never “over it”, but always in the process of learning how to be healthy.)

Many host parents would like to avoid having an au pair with an eating disorder. We are concerned about the challenge that eating disorders would raise for our au pair, our kids, and ourselves.

For an au pair with an eating disorder, moving to a new country with different foods, being on your own, and being homesick can exacerbate current problems. And, it can be difficult to get treatment for an eating disorder while you are also being an au pair.

For host families, eating disorders raise a red flag. We want au pairs who are healthy– physically and emotionally — because the year of an au pair is already so challenging. Also, we host parents often feel at a loss around the topic of eating disorders– we know that they can be difficult to diagnose, difficult to ‘cure’, and difficult to live with.

As parents, we want our children to have healthy relationships with food, and we hope that our au pairs can help model good eating habits (and not model horrible habits) for our kids. And, for many of us parents, food and weight-related issues are things that we struggle with personally, so we wonder if we can really be helpful.

Since we’ve discussed food issues so much on this blog, our au pair readers know that food and nutrition are concerns for many host parents.

What food-related personal issues are too much for a host parent to consider?

Here’s a question from Carla, an Au Pair candidate currently in the matching process:

Dear Au Pair Mom Readers,

I have a question, a tough one actually. I am an aupair to be, I’m now in the matching process and have already been contacted from different families, some of them – well, one specifically – I really really like.
We are now into the “email exchange/skype” step, and have already shared quite a bit of information about each others.

I’ll get down to the nitty: I am a 20 years old girl who has been having an eating disorder for several years now, well, almost 10 years to be honest. I know, it’s kind of a huge “red flag”… I can almost see your faces right know. And I can almost hear your comments “neeext”.

I don’t blame you.

Eating disorders are a very complicated issue, and most people don’t know much about them. Which is the reason why I’m asking this question: Should I talk about that while in the matching process – or ever?

Ok, I know how does it sound. I already feel bad just thinking about lying (or hiding…whatever… it’s pretty much the same to me) before even having started. The thing is, and please don’t think its too pretentious from me, I know I would be a great AP. I have even been told so from some of the hostmoms reading this blog after sharing with you some ideas I have for next year.

I genuinly love kids, I have lots of experience, I’m a self starter, a hard worker; and I’m very mature and responsible due to a “family history” that made me grow a lot. Yes, I have a problem with food which goes way beyond food. But I’ve been working insanely hard to keep my life from falling apart due to this and keep up to the “standards” I wanted for myself. I’ve done great with school and put lots of effort in being the best person I could be, always, even if it was 100 times more difficult for me than for people who were luckily healthy.

As it usually happens, many people who are around me didn’t even noticed the problem for quite a long time, as people with eating disorders (except from Bingers) are usually very good at hiding the problem to almost anyone else. I tried lots of treatments and therapies (in and outside the hospitals), and I’m now in a sort of “compromise” I reached after the last therapy.

I am not in life danger and I’m pretty sure I won’t be ever again. I am physically healthy enough to well handle every chore I’ll be asked to do, from childcare to sport tutoring to housekeeping. (otherwise, I would be the first one not even trying to apply to the program). The problem (which, as said, is now in a “down” period that’s hopefully gonna last forever), is not aesthetically evident, which means I’m not obese nor dangerously skinny.

I would never EVER act in any unhealthy way with the hostkids or the hostparents, I know for sure I would not expose them to eating disorder habits such as not eating or being hyperactive, and I know this because I know the problem and I know myself and – as said before – I wouldn’t even try to apply if I knew I was putting someone else in danger, especially talking about children.

I am overall an happy person, very smart, patience, loving, willing, active, reliable. I am always smiling, I have a genuine concern for others, I have plenty of true friends and a great relationship with my family and my siblings; but yes, there is this “black hole” I’m dealing with since I was 10 years old. I didn’t choose to get sick. And struggling with this problem made me a better person and surely a stronger one. I can feel I am way more mature than most people my age and luckily I have always been clever enough to retrieve everything my illness was trying to steal from me, from high school diploma to competitive sports and social life.

The point is, I am terrified… I really wouldn’t like to start the relationship with my HF hiding something (even though I know it wouldn’t affect my job), also because in my HF shoes, I know I’d rather know something like that. But then again, luckily most people don’t know much about eating disorders so I am afraid (well, not just afraid, more like pretty sure) most families would just screen me out from the candidates because of that. I hate not being honest, and this thing is freaking me out.

But I really like this family and I don’t wanna mess this up. I know this might sound selfish, but I want this experience so badly… I’ve worked for it, I’ve been studying english very hard, worked to save money, took child safety classes and stored up any kind of childcare experience I could find. When you have an illness that challenges you in so many ways, you have to put the double of effort in everything you do, and damn it, it IS hard. That’s why lots of people with this kind of problems just let themselves go. I’ve worked very hard pretty much my whole life not to let this happen.

I don’t want anorexia stealing me this opportunity too, ’cause I’ve earned every single step that brought me here.

I would really appreciate some advice from either HF and AP. I am really concerned about that and I have no one else to turn to.

I know it’s a little long. Ok, maybe too long. But it really is a tough question and a complicated issue that would have been difficult to explain even in my own language. I really hope you can post it all on your blog and hopefully give me some advice about that.

I know that there are many prejudices and some simple misunderstandings about eating disorders. I can understand that people who aren’t that familiar with eating disorders might think that a candidate who is afraid to bring this issue up might be a selfish or dishonest “princess”, a person who’s willing to lie about something like that just to get to the usa. This is not the situation for me. Also, some people think that “anorexia” is really just for “young ladies who refuse to eat just to stay skinny”. Just for the record, I wish anorexia would really be just about that. Maybe the fact that it all begins on a 10 year old kid will help people understand that eating disorder are way beyond looks. It’s not about how you look or about being a shallow person– it’s an illness, and it’s an illness I didn’t choose or create on purpose.

I really hope someone can give me advice about how to share what needs to be shared, so that I can find a host family and be a really great au pair for them.

Thank you very much for your time.

Families, and au pairs, please offer your suggestions gently.

Dear AuPairMom — Hi, I was using google to look for some advice when I came across your website. I’m an au pair and I’ve been living in the US for 3 months now and at the minute, my 9 months remaining just feels like the longest time. I look after 2 kids and I’m really having difficulties with the younger one (11 years old). He seems very angry at everything.

He compares me to his former AP and finds me lacking.

I know that he was very close to his old au pair who had been there for 2 years. He constantly compares me too her and tells me how she would have done it some much better. He doesn’t listen to me and I really struggle to get him to complete all his after school activities/chores that his parents want him to get done. It just feels like a constant battle with him over every small thing, and so I don’t really feel like I’m building any kind of relationship with him because all we seem to do is argue.

I tried to talk to my host parents about this and they were supportive and said they understood that I wouldn’t become an authority figure for a while… But their patience isn’t actually helping me with specific ideas for what to do.

Would getting at the root of his anger help?

My host parents work really long hours and so I feel like I’m having to cope with this angry child all on my own without having any idea what the root of his anger is. I tried talking to him about the root of his anger but he insists he’s fine.

Today was just rock bottom. He refused to go to school and nothing I said could get him to go, so my host mum had a big row with him and then left to work, leaving me with this child having a complete meltdown. He got so worked up he threw up and so I had to call the school to tell him he had thrown up and wouldn’t be coming into school today. So that just left me all day looking after him with no break. My host parents aren’t going to be back until about 8 which I just feel is too long a day for me to work — it becomes a 14 hour day, because I’m responsible for putting him to bed too.

I just feel a bit taken advantage of because they know that I won’t leave him alone, so they can just go to work and forget about it. I feel like they’re trying to make it my problem instead of confronting the problem themselves. I know I need to discuss this with them but I don’t know how to bring it up.

And there’s more…

I’m also unhappy with other things (such as me having to do all the chores around the house…including many that have nothing to do with the kids like making my host parents’ bed). I know I need to talk about these other issues too, and I don’t want to bring it all up at once and make them angry.

I’d really appreciate any advice you have to offer…. Thanks, R.P.

Dear RP — Sounds like you’ve got a problem within a problem within a problem.

Many layers of anger, passive and active abuse, and avoidance. It looks to me like these are all related in a system. The bad news is that the problem-system is complicated; the good news is that if you work on one element, you can influence the other elements too.

For perspective, let’s start by making it clear that an 11 year old who is angry and throws tantrums has probably been pulling similar crap for years. Nobody up and develops that kind of anger towards a person, especially an au pair with only 3 months in the family. Consider that the boy’s anger has been an issue for some time now (in one form or another). And, consider that his parents know this, and that they have apparently NOT figured out a way to manage his anger effectively.

And, let’s be clear– your host parents ARE taking advantage of you. Sure, they could have hoped you’d cover for them when their child got ‘sick’, but then they should have worked to find a way to let you off as soon as they came home (or even have one of them come home earlier). If they have not acknowledged the situation they left you in, and at the very least thanked you, that’s even more of a problem.

Finally, you should not be doing chores unrelated to kids. Period. Again, if things were all going well and you wanted to help out, fine… but O.M.G. you should not be making their bed!

Here’s what I think you might consider:

1. Call your LCC and talk with her about the chores. Ask her to schedule a meeting/check-up with the parents– as though it’s the LCC’s normal thing to do– and have the LCC explicitly go over what the au pair roles say your are allowed to do and specifically what you should not be expected to do. if there are specific chores in addition to the bed-making, tell these to your LCC so she can address these directly. The idea here is to make it your LCCs job to reinforce the guidelines with the parents who are breaking the rules.

2. Ask the host parents for a scheduled meeting time, just you and them. Tell them that their son’s anger with you makes it difficult for you to do the kind of job you and they want you to do. Tell them you need specific directions from them about what you should do, and what they will do, and how the parents’ and caregivers’ behaviors will reinforce each other. Remind them that as the parents they must set the tone of what will and won’t be tolerated, and that they have to create the framework for the whole family. (Note, it sounds like the parents probably also have anger issues… it’s a family system thing, not about you. Repeat: it’s not about you.)

3. Go to the library and check out the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen (there may also be one for teens– get that too). Read it, start following the advice. You need a system for dealing with him, and this one is a good one, especially until his parents get it together.

4. Prepare for a rematch. In the absence of information about the whole system from everyone’s perspective, we have only your persecutive to work with. We give you the benefit of the doubt and we assume you are seeing everything clearly and aren’t adding to the problems. If things are as you say, there is a decent chance that you will not be able to fix the situation and that your host parents won’t change. While you can be optimistic and do your very best, you might also consider whether there are enough other good things to make staying with this family worth the work of dealing with an angry tween.

5. Clarify the learning challenge that this situation offers you, and then address that as a personal challenge. You are being taken advantage of by the child, and by the parents. Your strategy for managing this conflict isn’t working, and you need to try new strategies– some of which may feel weird to you. Try them anyway. Try being direct. Try standing up for yourself directly and indirectly. Stop making the bed. Consider that you are in this situation, with angry people who are hard to manage, and that this is a situation that you’ve been in before. Break the pattern. Things are already not working, so try something new.

Okay parents and au pairs– open for your advice! cv

See also: Arguments between my child and my Au Pair are driving me nuts!

Sai With An EXPRESSION! from lyk3_0n3_tym3
Grrr from Big DumpTruck

Dear Au Pair Mom readers–

Our au pair has been with us for 1 1/2 months. She’s 19, Italian, and speaks excellent English. She cares for our daughter while I work part-time the house, part-time out.

The problem is that our daughter, who is about to turn 4, is having a hard time with this au pair. I know it can be typical around age 4 for a child to have some tantrums, occasionally kicking or striking out (not hard, but she’s clearly trying to make a point). She’s yelling a lot more–all normal, but difficult.

Our newest au pair really wants to be a part of the family, she refers to herself as a big sister, she wants the long-term relationship that we want as well. However, she argues with our daughter so much that it’s driving me insane.

Our last au pair was with us for 3 months and went home homesick after 7 months in the US. Our daughter and previous au pair, who was very calm, got along really well. We didn’t have these problems.

When I work at home I can often hear them bickering, often with yelling on both sides.

The au pair has very little patience for our daughter. Culturally, I understand that this au pair is a little feistier, and more prone to stronger reactions, and more dramatic behaviors. But, I really can’t continue to hear the bickering.

My daughter and our au pair do have moments of love and affection –hugging, reading, giggling, etc. And, my husband and I like this au pair. We’d like her to stay with us until the fall.

My husband and I are struggling to deal with this stage in our daughter’s life and are trying hard to be good examples, but we are often falling short too. We’ve talked to the au pair about needing to demonstrate a little more patience than she has. We are also clear with our daughter that hurting anyone is not allowed. She has gotten time outs or “sit downs” with mom or dad to talk about why it’s not okay. It’s natural, though not easy, for a strong-willed 3 year old to act this way. I do recognize how hard this is, the au pair has to act like an adult and not yell back at the child.

I’d really appreciate any advice on what we can do for both au pair and child. Thanks! Julie

Dear Julie -

What a challenge- a child going through an emotional time, an au pair with a feisty personality, and parents who are doing their best and haven’t yet found an effective strategy! Your situation reminds me how hard it can be to continue to adjust– not only with each au pair, but as each child grows. Kids and their needs are a moving target– what works this month might not work next month, and it keeps us parents on our toes.

Many moving pieces

It seems to me that you are looking at many of the important moving pieces, and considering how all three partners (parents, child, au pair) might adjust to create a calmer and stronger relationship. All three of you have things to learn and to try.

Certainly, though, it’s your au pair who is going to bear the brunt of the changing– she is the one in direct conflict with the child and the child isn’t mature enough (obviously) to fix the situation herself. Your daughter needs to be taught how to manage her emotions in an age appropriate way, and your au pair needs to be a key person in teaching her that. And, at the same time, your au pair needs to learn how you and your DH want this situations handled and what you and your DH want your child to be taught.

When you mentioned the ‘emotionality’ element, my thoughts went directly to the book “How to talk so kids will listen“, which is one of my parenting bibles. One of the many things that I found useful about their advice was the way they recommend that we (adults) detach emotion from our responses to kids, and in this way not only model appropriate conversation but also disengage from the emotional drama ourselves.

[[This is also the advice of my other favorite toddler-8 yr old book "1-2-3 Magic".]]

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen

One thing that you might try is getting two copies of this book, highlighting relevant sections and asking your au pair to follow their strategies with you. You each get a copy of the book to read, highlight, refer to. This tactic has the advantage of getting all the adults on the same page– literally– for consistency in handling things with your daughter. We all know, consistency is key to teaching kids what kinds of behavior we want in our families.

Plus, the book explains “why” the tactics work– from an ‘expert’ perspective that makes it less about you and your spouse and more about ‘what’s been shown to work’. Sure, the book is culturally-bound, and very American. But that’s okay if the values of the authors fit with the values of you and your spouse.

Discuss your family vision

Another big picture approach is to talk with your au pair not about her personal reactions, or the the 1:1 relationship you want her to have with your daughter, but about the kind of climate you want in your home. Saying things like “We want to create a home where disagreements are handled with love and patience” sets everyone on the same goal without putting anyone in particular on the spot.

Also, these big goals leave some room for each of us to devise our own personal tactics. Your au pair could follow the “How to talk” advice along with you… plus she could come up with her own, proactive, positive ways to ‘bring ‘love and patience’ to the fore in her relationship with your daughter.

These are my two first thoughts- and I’m sure the rest of the group has some great ideas…. so let’s hear ‘em!

See also, this more general post: Improving the Relationship between your Au Pair and Your Kids

Image: Arguing Penguins by nouQraz

I am a single HM, with a wonderful, but very strong willed 5yr old girl. We had our first AP in June for 10 weeks this year to see how it worked for us and to cover the 6 wk school holidays. I had previously had a month off work sick, but normally work full time.

The Au Pair was lovely, and she had fun with my daughter at times, but at other times my dear daughter (DD) was really nasty to her, telling the AP that she wasn’t part of her family, this wasn’t her home, and not doing as she was told. Our first AP found this very upsetting, and my daughter got well and truly told off each time (by me), but didn’t change.

Our next AP was a lot stronger with my daughter, and at first I thought DD had changed, but then found out she was treating this second au pair the same.

It seems that DD doesn’t want an au pair, she just wants me at home the whole time, and thinks quite logically if she gets rid of the AP she will have me more. I am sure that my period off work and at home before the first AP started. DD has now “won” as our 2nd AP left on Friday. DD was upsetting the au pair and was making it very clear she didn’t want the AP!.

I have now decided to get a male AP, in the hope that:

• DD will not then be so worried about them trying to take my place as her mum,
• they may be able to be stronger with DD,
• DD seems to respond better and be better behaved with me,
• and DD seems to think she would be happier with a male AP.

I am sure some of DD’s issues come from her relationship with her father, who is someone she adores but doesn’t see for months on end, and is regularly upset by him. We have been separated for over 2 ½ yrs.

My questions are:

1. How can I get/help DD accept and enjoy an au pair so she isn’t horrible to them in order to get them to leave?
2. How can I help our new male AP (who starts this week) to create a really positive and fun relationship with DD so she wants him to stay?

I am desperate and willing to do anything. If a male AP doesn’t work and DD doesn’t improve I don’t know what I would do, as I have to work, and need an AP due to my shift work, and the fact the father doesn’t help out with either childcare or financially.

I know that there is a wealth of knowledge and experience out there, I hope you can send some my way.

Image: girlie, don’t go away from rhoadeecha on Flickr

[Even though she's out on the edge here, I had to tell you that this was written by CalifMom. Of course, you'll recognize her voice, but I want to make sure she gets public credit because she's so damn darn funny. That said, do NOT give this momma a hard time about her *&^$ and #@%t. She's earned it. cv ]

At profound personal risk of being told that ampersands, hashmarks and percentage signs are offensive, I’ll let you fill in your own blank.

We have one of those problems that happens way out on the edges of the bell curve of normal distribution. So for those of you working with lackadaisical or wimpy APs, I’m sorry but our AP takes her job very seriously. Too seriously. I mean, waaaay too seriously.

If I ask a kid to sit straight in their chair at dinner, she’ll pounce on them immediately, before the child has even had time to comply with my request, as if I need “back up” from Officer Ponch. Even the poor dog is subjected to her extreme demandingness: if I ask the dog to leave the kitchen, she starts repeating my command, louder. (Which, as dog owners know, only confuses the dog, who was obeying the Alpha as a good dog should, and then trains the dog to ignore the AP. In response, the AP barks louder, more frequently, and so it cycles.)

I have talked directly with the AP with these issues after the kids are in bed. I’ve been doing this in a friendly way, from the approach of “Okay, so here’s my take on what happened this morning. Let’s figure out what you could try next time, because I know you were really frustrated.” (Language skills are not an issue.)

I have actually pointed out, directly and in so many words, that the reason the children seem to be ignoring her is because, well, they *are* ignoring her. She talks so much and so often, always chiding and correcting what they’ve done or left undone or didn’t do perfectly that they actually don’t hear her. I told her that while it may not be what she would like me to say, this “not hearing” is a perfectly rational and predictable in response to her constant scolding. She cannot understand this at all and would be happy if I were to mandate perfect compliance and servitude. (I’ll get right on that.)

I have led conversations into discussions about how brains develop, that children are not small adults, and that the reason you need to repeat yourself is because, well, children need to be told things repeatedly. The alternative is to whack them when they don’t put their shoes away the first time, but as much as we all love Little House on the Prairie, I think we don’t really want to take them back behind the shed to get whupped, do we? I have appealed to her own experience as a child (not that long ago!) and pointed out that I bet her mom had to tell her to do things more than once. “Well, but I never…..” is her reply. She is unable to step outside herself much. And yet, she wanted to come very far away from her mother for an au pair year. Hellooooo????

She cannot stop herself from nagging and seeing problems at every turn. She may not want to stop, thinking of herself as Super Au Pair brought in to whip these kids into shape or something. She is subjecting my kids to her mother’s rules as well as our. And there are so very many rules she grew up with! Not surprisingly, her rules do not always align with ours, but it seems that she believes that when she is in charge she gets to set ALL the rules.

In a recent example, she insisted that a child not pick out objectionable bits from a food item, even though they were too strongly flavored. I was home, and in the other room but didn’t hear this happening. I had made the food, and I told the kid to pick out the objectionable bits. Life is too short for these sorts of power struggles. There are plenty of other power struggles that we do have to engage in, as adults, and ultimately win. Picking out offensive bits is not one of them, if the rest of the thing is being eaten. Big picture! How do I get her to see the big picture?

And now, predictably, the power struggles are getting worse. Fine, Child thinks, you’re going to make me eat the bits I don’t like, I’m going to yell in your face and take a swing at you when you try to break up an argument I’m having with my sibling, because you don’t understand me and don’t hear me! You interrupt me every time I try to say something because I’m little and I don’t talk as fast as you do, and I’m sure you’re going to correct whatever I say anyway.

My kids are not thriving emotionally in this environment. They’re at school most of the day, but walking on eggshells a lot when they’re home.

But even with all this, she can be fun (when she’s not nagging) and the kids want her to like them soooo much it hurts me to watch. She’s the type who will never be satisfied, no matter how good they are. She has a sense of humor and she is an otherwise good AP. She drives well. She fears DUI. She is conscientious (duh! — to a fault! see above) and pitches in. She’s just a terrible perfectionist, even while, as she puts it, she feels very lucky because her AP friends’ charges are so much worse than ours. (gee thanks!)

Here’s what I’ve done:

• • modeling alternative approaches with the kids
• • counseling her (after the kids are in bed) to pick battles carefully, etc (we talk every night)
• • encouraging her to spend more time with friends so that her not insignificant energies will spent elsewhere
• • and I’ve talked to our counselor (who advised us to have a stern talk with her about what I see as her basic personality traits. I’m not seeing how that stern talk works out well.)

And, less helpfully, I’m also:

• • biting my tongue until it’s raw
• • laughing out loud (but “at” not “with” her, so I have to zip out of the room in an unseemly, undoubtedly confusing way) and sometimes
• • leaving the room in exasperation, wanting to smack her upside the head or
• • pouring a second drink (seriously; this AP is just so high maintenance)
• • not sharing a lot of this with my hub anymore because he’s tired of hearing about it
• • getting into heated conversations when she has refused to hear what I’m saying and it’s clear that I’ve hit a very stubborn brick wall on a point that is very important to me

I’ve given her tips (try whispering instead of yelling, etc). I’ve tried teaching the theory, I’ve tried coaching on the tactics, I’ve shared mentor-y advice about Life and helping her think about what she’ll do next.

I find myself wanting reassurance on any given day that she’s actually being nice to them while I’m not there. She’s hot-and-cold and rather volatile, so when things are fun they’re really really fun, but she herself is not calm in the eye of a storm when she needs to be (as I saw first hand with the failed attempt to break up a sibling fight. I walked in, split the kids up, and started problem solving but I am loath to intercede when the AP is supposed to be handling it. I gave her a lot of time to be effective, but she just wasn’t. So I felt like I had no other option at the time, because really, the AP was escalating the fight.)

And I fear that she may be acting one way in front of me, and presenting one set of information in her reportage, but is quite different when she’s alone with them and there’s no authority figure around.

What am I missing?

How can you effectively counsel someone to “calm the @#$ down”?

Am I worrying over nothing, and should counsel myself to remember that kids are resilient?

Images:
Clam Down Kitty from BeInspiredDesigns
Calming down from Tilman.me

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

if there is one time we want an au pair to appear somewhat self-focused, it’s when he or she is explaining to host kids that they are going into rematch.

When an au pair says goodbye to host children, the AP should offer an explanation that puts responsibility solely on the Au Pair and/or some unchanging/unchangeable feature of the situation.

For example, “The drivers in this part of the US are too crazy, and I need to move to a family that doesn’t need their au pair to drive.”

No matter what the “real” truth is, the explanation to the host child should be something like:

“AP is going to be leaving for another family/another location/going home because s/he needs to find a different adventure. This adventure isn’t quite working out for her/him. The hard part about going to another family/place/home will be saying goodbye to you children, so let’s focus on what we enjoyed about AP and wish her/him well.”

You don’t want to ever set it up that a rematch is “the child’s fault”, unless the child is old enough to understand and the child is indeed responsible (such as when a child is willfully cruel and parents need to hold the child accountable).

Even though you might not want to explain the whole truth to your children, you do want to offer something. This is because when children aren’t given a compelling reason for why something might be happening in their lives, they tend to turn to themselves as the cause. If you offer no explanation, and they are sad at all, they might blame themselves when they shouldn’t. You want to create as a healthy a dynamic as possible, which means presenting the departure as a ‘no fault’ situation.

If the host kids are old enough to understand, and there are life lessons to be learned, sure go ahead and offer something closer to the truth. You might say:

“AP seems more interested in socializing at night, so she isn’t able to give us the kind of energy we need.” Or, “It turns out that he didn’t understand what it meant to live in a city, and he made the wrong choice of location. He’s learning about himself, and we should encourage him to grow as a person.”

I’m sure some of you are rolling your eyes (just like you did when I insisted upon good phone manners), but I’ve really found that taking the high road here is *always* the right choice.

When an au pair and host family go into rematch, it’s the chance for you as a parent to offer an important life lesson:
We all make mistakes, we try to correct them, and if we can’t we cut our losses and move on to the next options with optimism.

Here’s a specific example of an awkward rematch situation, from Angry in California. What advice can we offer her?

I am currently undergoing my first rematch situation- something I should have initiated three months ago. (I’m embarrassed to say she’s been with us six months.) After three months of issues with an au pair who is condescending, sometimes rude and has an inflated sense of entitlement, we finally pulled the plug. The actual conversation went smoothly enough with all of us in agreement that it just wasn’t working out.

Three days after that conversation, she took the car without permission while we were at a family outing. (The typical rule is to ask to use a car that only she generally uses.) Our rule is really just a matter of safety as we like know 1) where the car will be and 2) would like to know when we may expect her back for her own safety. I would have let her use the car, I just think she should ask first via a quick text or phone call.

In any case, my unhappiness that she unilaterally took the car (yet another symptom of her sense of entitlement) was met with remarkable sarcasm and attitude.

We were planning on having her work for the next two weeks until she matched. However, I guess my not so gentle reminder of the house rules re: car use sent her into a tailspin and she now wants to leave immediately. Mind you, this was never communicated to me, rather she contacted the LCC and told her she wants out. (I suppose yet another indicator of the sense of entitlement).

I am so angry and disappointed (partly at myself). But, most importantly, I am concerned about how to explain this quick dash out the door to my kids, who genuinely seem to like her.

This is our second au pair, our first stayed with us nearly two years, and my older child still asks where she went-even though we parted on good terms. It seems too hard to help them understand that her departure is not something they did.  We are basically left in a lurch but I don’t want someone who is brooding and upset around my kids either. So, despite the unexpected hardship, I am inclined to show her the door ASAP in the interest of household harmony.

Any suggestions on how these really icky transitions can be explained to really sensitive kids?

See also:
Her Next Adventure”: Telling your kids that your Au Pair is leaving
Image: It’s not you… All rights reserved by tad carpenter Buy his prints on Flickr

]]> http://AuPairMom.com/explaining-a-rematch-to-host-children/2010/10/22/celiaharquail/feed/ 18 http://AuPairMom.com/when-your-au-pair-confides-in-you-about-something-awful/2010/06/11/celiaharquail/ http://AuPairMom.com/when-your-au-pair-confides-in-you-about-something-awful/2010/06/11/celiaharquail/#comments Fri, 11 Jun 2010 17:23:46 +0000 cv harquail http://AuPairMom.com/?p=3527

This is a heavy topic for a Friday. Apologies in advance.

I’ve mentioned before that I believe that there are just as many young people who become au pairs to escape something as there are those who become au pairs to find something.

Au Pairs who are escaping are fleeing from acute personal disappointments, painful family dynamics and oppressive social conditions. Often, you’ll have no idea that your au pair has been a victim of one of these situations, or that s/he is fleeing from one of these situations, until s/he breaks down crying in front of you for (what you think is) no reason at all.

In conversation with my own au pairs and also with their friends, I have learned about fathers having affairs with sisters in law, uncles being murdered execution-style over land disputes, children being sexually and emotionally abused by grandparents or neighbors, childhood friends committing suicide, children being beaten by family members, teenagers cutting themselves, and self-destruction through eating disorders.

And, lest you wonder which of my own au pairs experienced any of these, with the exception of the uncle’s murder, each of situations was experience by at least two au pairs I have spoken to personally. The world is really that horrible.

Nothing has pushed my protective mamabear buttons as much as hearing these stories from the lovely young women who have been part of our family’s life. I have often wondered how to help, other than by simply listening. I have pondered whether to offer advice, considered whether to follow up with questions, looked for instances to demonstrate that life can be different, and sought out resources ranging from self-help books to counseling to offer them. I have driven them to the doctor, held their hands, and hugged them as they’ve cried.

When your au pair is struggling with difficult news from home, or a local situation that has called up bad memories, it can be hard to know what to do with this knowledge. Maybe some of this pain is continuing to hurt her, and to hurt her interaction with the world.

When I was talking about this issue recently with another parent (who does not have au pairs) she asked me whether, in any of these situations, I thought that an au pair’s experience ever influenced her ability to care for my kids. For example, can an au pair who was regularly “punished” with a belt strap or a hairbrush remain calm and kind when kids are misbehaving?

I firmly believe that none of our au pairs or their friends responded in this way to the children they have cared for. Rather than seeing a direct influence, I’ve perceived (or imagined) something more indirect– an inability to trust, or be open, or believe that you can be loved.

What I have tried to do, in each of these cases, is demonstrate to the best of my ability that there is love in the world, and that there is enough love in the world to help with this hurt. I can’t fix the political situation in Botswana, but I can listen to and believe the fear, and remind an au pair that she is safe here and that she can trust police officers.

I can model (to the best of my ability) forgiveness of my children and especially forgiveness of myself when I completely lose control. I can apologize. I can argue fairly with my husband in front of our au pair and reconcile in a loving way. I can buy healthy food and comment on her lovely personality and not on her physical appearance.

I can remind her that she is strong, and that what happened before doesn’t have to happen when she goes home.

When your au pair has confided in you, what was that like for you?

Did it push your buttons, nudge you to intervene or quietly move you away?

What have you worried about? How have you been able to help?

secret heart from Kaitlin M

‘SotaGal commented last week about, sometimes, she just wants to be with her kids, alone.

“Mommy-a-mano”, no DH, no DP, no AP. Just Mom & the kids.

There is nothing wrong with that. We all want 1 on 1/2/3 time, time when we are the only adult in the room, the only adult in the universe, with our little babies all to ourselves.

This is normal, and natural, and common. So, why does it feel so hard to say?

One reason is that, for the host parent, mentioning that we need time alone with the kids reminds us of how precious that time can be. Some of us only really get quiet time with one kid or another when they are sick, or when they have crawled into bed with us on a Sunday morning. We are glad to have help from our au pair, and to have our au pair as part of our lives, but we don’t want that all the time.

From another perspective, suggesting that you don’t want your au pair around right now is akin to saying, out loud, that having her/him around cramps your style. It may lead your au pair to think, just for a minute, that his or her presence is an obstruction, a cross that parents have to bear, even though we need the help.

The scary thing is, there is truth in both of those reasons.  Having another caregiver around *does* change the parent-child(ren) dynamic. This is true whether than other caregiver is a teacher, an au pair, or a grand parent.

How can we deal with this need, and create some space for our private time with our kids, without hurting our au pair’s feelings or triggering concerns?

Sota Gal asks:

I have a question for the au pairs here with my gray area… As a mom who works from home, helps DH run his business and divides time caring for our 3 kids how do I handle/say that I just need some time alone with “my” kids?

Our current AP seems to get very offended when I tell her she can be done early because I want to spend some quality time (alone) with my children.

Once I did ask her to turn on the oven so I could start dinner in a bit but other than that she was done and free for the rest of the day. When I started the conversation I said that I was done working for the day, I had had a long couple of days and missed spending time with the munchkins and I would love to play with them alone now. You can have the rest of the day off!

I really think I made it sure she knew that it was nothing she was doing, just that I wanted to do something fun with them (rather than dinner, sports, errands, getting ready for bed which I do every day). And because of my schedule and the fact that we have 3 year old twins and an 8 year old, she and I often do fun things together with the kids.

Is there something I could have done differently?

Image: Mom and Daughter from VancityAllie