One of the crazy benefits of being an au pair mom or dad is that host parenting gives us many chances to practice skills that make us better everywhere in our lives.

Chief among the skills we get to practice is how to negotiate. By using conflicts with our au pairs (or even simple disagreements and misunderstandings) as chances for trying different advice to improve our negotiating, we can learn how to get what we need so that we and our families and our au pairs thrive.

When it comes to offering real tips on negotiation, though, I like to defer to experts.

My favorite three experts are Lisa, Vicky and Chrysula, who also happen to be friends of mine. They are life coaches, mediators, and small business owners who run workshops for women on how to negotiate effectively. After a few years of coasting on whatever wisdom of theirs I could glean as a friend, or by reading their blogs on negotiation and work-life balance, I finally decided to sign up for one of their courses myself.

(Just as an aside, it’s kindof weird to take a “class” from a friend, but at some point you just have to give in and treat your pals like the experts they are.)

However, when I went to their SheNegotiates website to sign up for a negotiation class (aka “fulfill a New Year’s resolution”), it turned out they had something new to offer– a chance to join an ongoing learning community designed to help women learn how to negotiate not just conflicts or better deals or higher salaries, but also how to negotiate some of the deeper issues in life.

Because I believe in these women and what they do, and because I have signed up myself, I’m doing something on AuPairMom for the First. Time. Ever. I am recommending that you think about spending some money and time on yourself and your personal learning. Go to www.thedailythrive.org and consider signing up yourselves.

I’m not suggesting this because The Daily Thrive is paying me an affiliate fee, giving me free membership in their community, or even taking me out to lunch. They aren’t. I’m recommending that you check them out because I hear from you, over and over, how life as an au pair parent is challenging. For most of us this challenge centers on balancing getting what we need while giving au pairs what they need. Too often, we err on the side of being overly-generous, or denying how much we’re giving up, or wondering why we aren’t appreciated. Learning how to negotiate more effective should help with this.

– cvh

We host parents often find ourselves wishing that our au pairs could just *tell us* when something is bothering them. We can only address things we know about– and if something is wrong and you keep quiet about it, the problem keeps simmering.

This is true with bigger issues (too much texting) and smallish issues (leaving tissues on the counter).  Here’s a situation many of us are familiar with — someone’s watching TV, and someone else thinks that (at 12:30 at night) the TV might be a little too loud.

A Host Mom writes:

Last night, my husband was watching a movies downstairs in the family room. It was 12:30 at night.
My aupair went downstairs and asked him to turn the volume down and he did. But this morning he complained about it to me.

While he was upset at the request, he complied because in his words ‘ she drives my kids to school in the morning and I don’t want her to have an accident and claim that she did not get enough sleep.’

I was asleep at the time and the TV did not bother me. Our bedroom is right next to the 2 story family room. Her room is further away.

I think her request is unreasonable and disrespectful.

What do you think?

Dear Host Mom,

I have completely different perspective on the situation you describe.

I think your au pair should be congratulated for recognizing that she was being bothered by something, recognizing that this could be changed, and courageously going downstairs to talk with your spouse about turning down the volume.

I also think that your spouse should be congratulated. He recognized that the au pair needed her sleep, that she was struggling with getting to sleep, and that there was something that he could do that might make a difference. He also reflected on her situation and was compassionate.

Moreover, he responded in the moment, and waited to do problem-solving or to share negative feedback, until a later time.

Both of their actions sounded like a good attempt to resolve a problem. So, why characterize the Au Pair’s behavior (and hers alone) as “unreasonable” and “disrespectful”?

Let’s look at each piece of the criticism that her request was 1) unreasonable and 2) disrespectful.

Was her request unreasonable?

Considering that it was already past midnight, it makes sense that someone would expect the house to be reasonably quiet. Also, it makes sense that if she was trying to go to sleep, audible noise from the television would be bothersome. So, taking her perspective, it seems very reasonable to me that she would have asked him to turn down the volume.

From his perspective, was her request reasonable? He might think it was not, but then again, how sure is he that the volume of the TV wasn’t too loud?

Few people sitting in front of a television have any idea how well that television can be heard in the rest of the house. Very rarely do we turn on the TV to the volume we like, and then walk to a far bedroom to see if the sound travels. Most people aren’t thinking about it– they’re just thinking about whether the TV is loud enough for *them*.

Most people have no idea how loud their television might seem to other people.

You say that you weren’t awakened by the TV, and that your room is closer to the television room, but your experience is not a fair proxy for your au pair’s experience.

Not only are you two different people with two different sensitivities, the experience of the noise is not necessarily the same. Whether that sound is loud enough to wake the sleeping person is not the same as whether sound is too loud to permit a tired person get to sleep.

Second, the physical distance from one room to another doesn’t always predict how easy it is for sound to travel from one room to another. The distance from the television room to the bedroom is not directly proportional to how much the sound carries or not. A lot of sound transmission has to do with pathways (e.g, hallways, hollow walls, air vents) and their shapes.

Also, understand that a “loud” ( or , audible in another room) television at 10 o’clock at night feels very different from a loud television after midnight. After midnight, there are fewer noises outside and inside to muffle the sound of the television. And, after midnight, the person trying to get sleep is more and more anxious about whether they’ll ever get to sleep and whether they’ll be able to get enough sleep to be to function well the next day.

So, from the perspective of the television watcher, it’s not clear whether the request to turn down the volume was unreasonable or not. You need to do some research on. (More on that later)

Was her request disrespectful?

You didn’t mention any issues with the tone, language or phrasing of her request, so assuming that she asked kindly and without showing anger or annoyance, I’d bet that she did her best to be respectful.

Indeed, she might even have been nervous about making the request, and might have had to muster up some courage to go say something to her boss/host dad that was in any way critical of him.

From your husband’s perspective, though, the sheer fact of her asking him to change his behavior might have seemed disrespectful.

Some parents don’t like to be asked to change their behavior by someone subordinate to them. Some television watchers don’t like to be made aware that their entertainment is impinging on someone else’s experience — it makes them feel bad. I think if I were your spouse, I would’ve been annoyed at being asked to change my behavior because I was probably, finally, just having a chance to relax after a hard day.

Was her request disrespectful? I wouldn’t assume so.

Here are three things I suggest going forward.

1. Conduct the “Can you hear me now?” Test

First, determine empirically what the TV volume limit should be.

One quiet evening, you and your husband should test different volume levels on your television. One of you stays in the TV room while the other stands in the au pair’s room (and other rooms). Vary the volume to find what setting is high enough that it can be heard in the room and what volume setting is low enough that it can no longer be heard. Take note of this and use that as your guideline for watching the television.

Just for the sake of reference, in my house it’s “20″ for reruns of The Matrix and The 300, and “22″ for the Colbert Report.

2. Conduct the “Other Person’s Shoes” Test

If your au pair had been the one with the TV that was too loud for you, how would you have responded? Would you have asked her to turn the TV down?

Would you have been annoyed or kind? Would all of your actions have been respectful and reasonable?

3. What’s the real annoyance?

Talk with your spouse about just what it was that annoyed him, and led him and you to conclude her seemingly reasonable request was “unreasonable and disrespectful”. What manner of request would have seemed more respectful? How could she have phrased things differently to seem more respectful? Once you know that, talk about this with her. You NEED to learn how to make requests of one another and accommodate to reasonable concerns– both ways.

Finally , ask “Is there more to the story, where this is just the final straw after several other annoyances you haven’t articulated?” A good host family-au pair relationship should be resilient enough to handle a situation like this one. It’s shouldn’t piss you off. If if does, you need to examine why. Is your au pair too persnickety, or are you too unyielding? Or both?

Your spouse did the kind thing by responding in the moment to your au pair’s concern. And, he did the right thing by waiting until the light of a new day to hash it out with you. Once you and he come to a deeper understanding of the issue together, then you can strategize about how to discuss this with your au pair AND how to address the real issues at play.

Host Parents and AuPairs- what do you think?

Image: Day OneHundredEight – Television from Edd Sowden

I know we had a conversation a while back when a host mom’s au pair was dressing link a tramp a little “inappropriately”, but I thought we could revisit that conversion from a more positive direction, thinking about what we’d recommend.

We received this email from a soon-to-be au pair:

I am a 20 year old female, currently living in Australia and next year I plan to au pair in the USA! I’d appreciate some advice about the acceptable appearances of au pairs.

In my country, we have been told that Americans are quite conservative. I’m not sure what that means for an au pair and how she might dress. I was wondering… would most host parents mind if their au pairs wore heavy make up — as in, bronzer, some mascara and foundation? nothing too over the top!

Also, what is acceptable to au pairs to wear whilst they are on the job? Are they allowed to were something like denim ‘short-shorts’ in a hotter climate, or maybe a casual old ‘hoodie’ in cooler climates?

I’d appreciate any advice about the styling of clothes, makeup and overall look that would fit American’s expectations

On behalf of Aussie Girl, I actually started to draft out what might be good general advice for au pairs with this question. I started by considering the underlying principles that would help to establish more specific advice.

Principles for Au Pair Clothing and Appearance

Au Pairs should consider:

1. the demands of the job,
2. their desire to express themselves, and
3. the norms about what’s appropriate to the situation.

When an au pair is on duty, her or his attire should help and not hinder the physical demands of the job, be somewhat self-expressive, but not be so crazy or out of the ordinary that it leads other people to stare at you and/or wonder what or who you actually are.

Regarding actual clothing items, for the demands of the job, what seems appropriate to me are:

• Jeans, slacks, shorts, that you can wash easily, get a little dirty, move around in comfortably, and sit on the floor in. Yoga pants that aren’t too tight, and sweat pants that aren’t torn, stained or superbaggy will also work.

• Tights and jeggings. Okay, if they are not too see-through, and usually only if you cover your butt with a longer tunic or top.

• Female au pairs might also be fine wearing skirts (not too short though. You need to be able to bend down without showing your underwear.)

• Male au pairs want to make sure they wear shorts that are long enough, and/or not ‘go commando’.

• In either pants or skirts, you should be able to sit on the floor and run around the house, depending on what host kids need.

• Regarding tops, they should be easy to wash, not stained, not too low cut, and not too tight. Hoodies and sweaters are nice, sweatshirts that are clean are fine.

For self-expression and the cultural situation

Sure you want to look pretty, or handsome, and dress like your ‘self’. However, what looks good to you and other young adults your age might not be the right thing to wear when you’re on duty with kids. Think more library, and less nightclub. Consider the tradeoff between looking cute/hot/fashionable and looking like you’re a kindergarten teacher. When on duty, err on this side of looking more like a kindergarten teacher.

Remember, too, that the kinds of clothing that express your culture may not fit with your role here in the USA. Be ready to dress more modestly. Please do not dress like the characters on Gossip Girl. Or the designers on Project Runway.

Things that tend to raise concerns of host parents:

• Visible undergarments. While the fashion is to allow bras & straps to “show” outside the actual top or blouse, I am personally not a big fan of this. Straps I can deal with, tops and sides of bras should stay concealed. Make sure that your underwear doesn’t show through your clothes and that the back of you whatevers doesn’t come up above the waistband of your pants.

• Clothes that are too tight or too small.

• Clothes that have vulgar wording, scary pictures, or the playboy logo.

• Clothing that is immodest. Modesty is culturally grounded- what’s modest in one country is risque in another, and frumpy in a third. You need to look around at what your host mom / dad wears (outside the house, not inside the house) and then consider your age and likely better fitness. Tube tops and bare midriffs are considered immodest for women, at least during work around kids. Sleeveless gym tops tend to seem sloppy on guys.

• Shoes that inhibit safe movement. For women, this might mean high heels as well as flimsy flip-flops that cause you to trip. For guys, this means avoiding platform sneakers.

• Superlong fingernails.

Other items to add to your work wardrobe

• An au pair should bring with her or him at least one “nice” outfit that could be worn to church, to dinner at a nice restaurant, or to the theater.

• A modest swimsuit — one that covers your top and bottom, that won’t fall off if you are holding a toddler, that is not see through, and that you actually can swim in. Women, save the bikini for when you are not with kids. Men, Americans think Speedos are immodest unless you are in the Olympics.

Other tips

• Clothing and person should look clean, smell clean, and be clean. Clean hair, clean face, clean hands Americans are very into clean. We have multimillion dollar industries built around clean.

• Deodorant and/or anti-antiperspirants are popular in the USA. As are very minty toothpastes.     Americans do not like to smell other Americans. (I know, but that’s how it is.)

• Perfume that you can smell from more than 2 feet away, while on duty, is a little too much.

• Makeup– fine if you like it, not required if you don’t. Not so much makeup that you look like you’re going onstage after work. Save false eyelashes for Sarruday nights. Also, guyliner only after 7 p.m.

Even though you might be spending your work hours in the house, at the park, at the library, or in the car, it still makes a difference to pay attention to your appearance. Even when I am not at work in an office or a classroom, I always feel better when I am appropriately dressed if other people are around. (Okay, I admit it, I also wear really cute pajamas when I’m blogging, even though no one else is around. That’s how bloggers are supposed to dress. )

My pal Tim Gunn says that every women should have, as part of her 10 wardrobe items, a “comfortable alternative to a sweatsuit”, something you can wear when you walk the dog in a public park. I like to think of this as a casual outfit that is nice enough that if you ran into your high school boyfriend you wouldn’t be completely mortified. (Hence, I do not wear yoga pants to the supermarket.)

In spirit, your everyday, on-duty au pair attire help you feel good about how you look to others, but not so much that this concern dominates your attention.

When we dress nicely and turn ourselves out looking nice, but without spending the whole morning doing it, we tend to feel good about ourselves. Dress to create the positive feeling you want for your relationship with your host kids, for the comfortable feeling you want as part of being in the family and being at home, and for the self-expression that let’s people see who you are.

That’s my start. … What do you all want to add, as points of positive advice?

The world of au pairing makes some pretty big promises.

Au Pairs are promised a year of hard work and adventure, the chance to live in the USofA, and the opportunity to learn first hand about American culture. Families are promised an energetic adventurous young adult who will partly assimilate into their families and partly celebrate their own unique cultures. It’s supposed to be a mash-up of people, caregiving, hosting, sharing, working, and learning.

Cultural Exchange in the Au Pair-Host Parent Relationship

But, when I think about the role of the cultural exchange in the au pair world, I wonder if we are doing enough to take advantage of our opportunities to become more culturally sensitive and more multicultural ourselves.

Host families usually know only what happens in their own families. Short of the annual host family gathering that some agencies’ reps hold for their clusters, we don’t see or talk much to other host families. So we don’t have many chances to share cultural challenges and cultural learnings.

When we do talk explicitly about what’s being exchanged that’s cultural, we tend to focus on holiday celebrations, regional foods, and — if we make an effort — some conversations about politics back home or child-rearing beliefs. And, we seem to agree that the cultural exchange element is a part of the au pair experience that is important to us, even when we can’t identify what specifically ‘cultural ‘ things we’re learning.

When is it “culture”?

When something comes up within the host family-au pair relationship, it’s often hard to know when there is a cultural issue at play and/ or when some cultural learning can take place. As I discussed in the post about sunbathing norms, and only partly in jest, it’s hard to know whether the ‘differences’ we experience are due to personality, age, our role in the family, or our culture of origin.

There is a lot of untapped opportunity for learning more about the content of our own culture(s) and our au pairs’ cultures — such as which values are most prominent, and which practices are culturally-defining.

And, there is a lot of untapped opportunity for learning about cross-cultural practice and process, including

• how to recognize the cultural element of an issue,

• how to talk across cultures, how to hold on to what you believe without suggesting that someone else’s beliefs are wrong (or weird) and

• how to become a person who is fluent in a world full of people from all sorts of value systems and cultures.

I have often wished that there were more chances for my family, my DH, my kids, and our au pairs to develop our cultural knowledge– both the content and the practices/processes of multiculturalism. At times I’ve fallen back on the frameworks, exercises, and recommendations from organizational diversity trainings (the kind that I ran, myself, as a diversity consultant so many years ago!). But, I’ve wished there were more that we could do that was au pair specific.

An Opportunity for Intercultural Learning

And, looks like my wish is coming true. There may soon be an opportunity for host families and au pairs to participate in dedicated, au-pair-world- specific intercultural learning.

A few weeks ago I connected with Shana Medah of Jamana Intercultural, a new company devoted to intercultural learning. Shana was a Peace Corps member and an au pair agency counselor a regional customer service manager for an au pair agency, and has spent many years working within other cultures and facilitating cross-cultural learning for others. Shana and her DH, Eric, are creating a business that offers cross-cultural training through webinars (and ultimately other formats), and their first set of learning programs will focus on issues important to host families and au pairs.

Shana’s company website, and their webinars, are still in the beta stage, and thus not quite ready to try. But, as soon as they get their website up, I’ll get a chance to take their introductory webinar– and give you my report on it. I am hoping to be able to recommend it to other host parents as a way to ramp up their cultural exchange experiences.

I can already tell you that I’m impressed by their company; I perceive that their company’s values and mission are quite in tune with the values that we share here in our AuPairMom conversations. From both their printed materials and their interaction with me online and over the phone, Shana and Eric feel like people I want to get to know, and people I want to learn from.

I’ve asked Shana if she would start contributing to our conversations here on AuPairMom– partly so that we can get to know her, but mostly (selfishly) so that we can ramp up the cultural element of our host family experience.

So, look forward to seeing Shana in the comments, and in a few guest  posts.

Please let me know via email if there are some particular cultural issues you’d like us to talk about here, and I’ll serve them up!

See Also:

Is it Cultural, Generational, or just Me?
What counts as “cultural exchange”?
A Different Perspective on Cultural Exchange
Cultural Exchange and Having an Au Pair
Images: Henna from dava marie, henna hand for amanda’s weddingfrom HennaLounge

Host Mom KMW writes with this thoughtful question:

When other families think about cultural exchange, what kinds of things count?

• People say they like to expose their children to another language, but how many host kids have actually learned that language (more than counting to 10 and hello and goodbye)?

• How many au pairs actually cook food from their country?

• Do host families take part in any other cultural activities from the au pair’s country (such as celebrating foreign holidays)?

• Have you learned anything much about politics or culture from your au pair?

• What kinds of specifically cultural things end up being shared between an au pair and a host parent?

• In the end do these make a big difference in the experience?

KMW, this is a fun question to think about ... especially since so many of the ‘cultural’ things that we’ve learned from our au pairs have come in bits and pieces, and are often indistinguishable from personality differences.

Readers, what counts as something “cultural” for you?

Host moms and dads have a lot of interesting occupations, and habits. On this blog, we’ve got police officers, massage therapists, teachers, managers, writers, dog breeders, and more. But up until this comment, below, I never thought any of us host parents … well, here’s the comment:

This isn’t really to ask for advice, more like a question/rant:

Ny HM has this weird (and annoying) habit of stripping down and walking around in her underwear.

For example, yesterday, she came home early and ate dinner with the kids, and she spilled some sauce on her nightdress, so she literally just peeled it off right there in the kitchen and walked to her bedroom in her underwear. She does this ALL the time!

Does anybody else do this in their house with the AP around? I live in an independent room on the top floor of their building, so it’s not like I live with them, I think it’s strange (and really really awkward; I wish she would stop) that she does it even when I’m around.

Anyway, I’m leaving in another 3 weeks, so I don’t care, but I just wanted to know what others thought!

Pa host mom of Two au-pairs was first on the scene, and offers this advice:

I haven’t heard this one before HP stripping down, you more so hear on the blog about HP speaking to the Ap to dress in appropriate clothing.

The only advice I would give if you don’t feel comfortable now speaking to her about, tell her upon your departure how it made you feel so the next AP doesn’t have to deal with this situation too.

Parents, any suggestions for this au pair?

1cm Strips from Georgie Sharp

When we are looking for au pair candidates who might be a good fit with our family, we have criteria (e.g., must drive, can’t smoke, likes dogs) that are non-negotiable.

We have preferences that direct us to candidates with characteristics we think we’d like in an au pair (e.g., is musically talented, family-oriented, German).

And then we have ‘considerations‘, which are things we want to keep in mind as we evaluate prospective au pairs.

FrenchAuPair mentioned one feature of au pairs that might be something host families consider: the au pair’s sexual orientation.

Now, not every host family cares to know about an au pair’s sex life, and not every family wants an au pair who is will be sexually active. But regardless of whether or not an au pair gets involved with a relationship partner (or partners) she or he may likely have some romantic activity over the course of her/his au pair year. This may mean crushes, flirtations, whatever. Romantic activity can happen regardless of an au pair’s sexual orientation. And, even if there is no romantic activity per se, your au pair’s sexual orientation is part of who she or he is.

Your au pair’s romantic activity may be completely off your host parent radar. And, you may want it to stay that way.

However, there are at least two reasons why you may want to be aware of your au pair’s sexual orientation.

First, you may have some concerns about your au pair’s orientation and how to ‘fit this in’ with your family. Whether or not you are a ‘gay/bi-/queer positive’ person, you may feel more or less comfortable establishing a family-member-like relationship with a person whose orientation is different from your own and/or new to you.

Just because you’re ‘positive’ doesn’t mean you are ‘comfy’. And that’s completely normal.

Part of learning to embrace diversity and difference is learning how to develop close relationships with people whose life experiences and self-definitions are different from yours. And, this learning happens in layers… you start with one level of comfort, feel awkward, deal with it, grow closer, and then move to another level. Being ‘positive’ in theory is great; being ‘positive’ in close, daily interaction can be more challenging.

A second reason you may want to be aware of your au pair’s sexual orientation is that (1) in order to really know a person, and (2) in order to let another person grow, you need to acknowledge and be able to affirm the parts of them that they value.

You can’t have a good relationship with an au pair who is in the closet in your family but who really wants to be out. You can’t have a good relationship with a person who is experimenting with who he or she is while being judgmental of their experimenting. And, you can’t provide a healthy environment for your au pair and your family when you are unwilling to see them for who they are. This is true with regard to sexual orientation, ethnicity, spirituality, personality, and everything in between.

FrenchAuPair asks:

I am in a relationship, with a girl. My current host family doesn’t know. I am not hiding that relationship but they don’t ask about my personal life and I don’t talk about it either. I don’t plan on lying to my next family when I extend. If they ask me “Do you have a boyfriend?”, I will say “No, but I have a girlfriend.” I wonder if a lot of host families would have a problem with that.

I know some people don’t accept homosexuality. I just wonder to what extent? Would your reaction be a big No-no if a candidate was in a relationship with someone the same sex?

ShouldBeWorking replied:

Great question. I have wondered about all the ‘boyfriend’ discussions on this site, which presume that au pairs are all straight. And, moreover, do not acknowledge that as a young adult the au pair might be questioning her/his sexuality.

Not sure in your shoes whether I would say, “No, I don’t have a boyfriend,” or “No, but I have a girlfriend.” The former is to-the-letter honest but a little dodgy. If I chose the latter, I would put it in context, “Since you ask about a boyfriend, I wanted to let you know that my partner is a woman. Would that be a problem for your family? I am looking for a family that would be accepting and would not have a problem with this.”

This could pose problems for some matches, I imagine. But surely there are some families out there that would be fine with it?

Related note: I think an openly gay male au pair would face a lot of challenges getting selected, but I’m not sure whether it would even be harder for an openly lesbian woman!

Another: I have told prospective au pairs that we have gay friends, gay families are a regularity here, and ask if they are uncomfortable with that. I do this both to let them know what life here is like and to signal a gay-friendly attitude.

Similarly, TakingAComputerLunch added:

I would not have a problem with an au pair who is either gay or lesbian. I’ve had au pairs who have had lesbian relationships – I just wanted them to be happy and in a good relationship. (We’ve never had male candidates – as much as it might be easier for The Camel to be cared for by a strong man, either our agency doesn’t have many or most do not have experience with special needs children.)

On the other hand, I would advise you to tread lightly about how much of yourself you reveal to a potentional HF. When The Camel had nurses instead of au pairs (we were living in 3 bedrooms while the rest of the house was gutted), one reacted very strongly to the daughter of our next door neighbors – she didn’t understand how she could have two mommies and was rather vile when she realized what it meant. If it is very important to you that your host family be aware, then ask a leading question about tolerance. Of course, if you really want to be sure that you are completely accepted, then do come out to them.

Just as we may want au pairs to be comfortable with our own sexual orientation and be comfortable with the diversity across our own families, friends and communities, we want to make sure we can make them comfortable too.

Thoughts on this? How would you respond to FrenchAuPair’s question?

Image: Friendly Warmth from Alex Pete Patellis

Very few au pairs come to the US because they want to take care of kids. They can do this in their home countries, with a lot less drama and zero homesickness. While many (let’s hope, most) au pairs like kids, and think they will enjoy caring for kids for a year, this is usually *not* the main reason they become au pairs.

But what are the “real” reasons that au pairs come to the US?

Other Motivations to Become an Au Pair

See the USA
• improve English
• see Las Vegas/New York/California
• learn about US culture

Escape to the USA
• immigrate illegally
• meet a future husband/wife
• get a green card through future husband/wife
• switch to different kind of visa once here

Escape home
• escape repressive government
• escape bad economic options
• escape overbearing parents/divorce/abuse
• escape bad social situation

Don’t know what else to do with self
• no interesting job prospects
• no romantic prospects
• can’t decide on school or career
• at least it will be an interesting year

Find herself/himself
• create a challenging adventure
• establish independence
• get another year older, more mature

Have fun!
• party
• drink
• travel & sight-see
• date people your parents would disapprove of
• experience wild social life without reputation concerns

Learn skills to get a better job at home
• improve English so you can use it at work
• learn about American culture
• learn about American education system

Other reasons
• save up some money
• send home some money
• shop, shop, shop
• meet Britney Spears
• get discovered as a model/actress/whatever

I’ll bet that virtually no au pairs come here to take courses other than in English.

Why do these other reasons matter?

When parents assume that au pairs are here because they like children, these parents are missing the big(ger) picture of what’s motivating their au pairs. And thus, parents aren’t able to anticipate concerns, meet the au pair’s needs or help him/her meet them, and manage the situation so that everyone is happy and the kids are well cared for.

Have you been surprised by the reasons why your Au Pair(s) chose to spend a year here?

Have you been surprised to discover that, in addition to liking children, your au pair had additional reasons to become an au pair?

What kids of reasons have you discovered?

When have these other reasons really seemed to matter?

Photos:
Lee on the Fire Escape from NYCArthur
Styling escape from Grant MacDonald

Host parents are often asked why they’ve chosen an au pair from a particular country, and whether an au pair’s home country matters.

How do you answer that question, without sounding like you’re stereotyping too much?

When it comes to having preferences for countries, we feel very comfortable prioritizing home countries based on language– if you want your kids to practice their Spanish with your au pair, it doesn’t make sense to look for au pairs from Thailand. And, we feel reasonably comfortable using home country as a proxy for religion– if you are Jewish family and you want an au pair who will keep kosher, it makes sense to look first at candidates from Israel, simply because Israel has a higher proportion of observant Jewish families than other countries.

But what about distinguishing between countries, based on what you’ve heard about au pairs from ‘there’?

Are all those Brazilian au pairs spoiled princesses? Based on my one experience, I’d avoid Brazil the next time.

Then again, we had a great Swedish au pair, and I’d look for another Swedish au pair. But, my sister’s Swedish au pair left after 4 months in the middle of the day after having 10 guests visit her in NYC. Worse, 6 out of 6 Swedish au pairs in her cluster last year left before their 12 months were up.

A host mom candidly emailed:

I wish there was a way to have a discussion about au pairs and nationalities and preferences without it getting negative or unhelpfully critical. The reason I bring this up is because the agency I use seems to have a lot of Brazilian au pairs but my husband and I are dead set against getting one because we have heard so many negative things, especially about their interest in partying. But at this time almost all of the au pairs in the agency pool are Brazilian.

I’m willing to be convinced to consider them but so far have not read anything compelling me to do so.

Do you think a blog post such as “Tell me which nationality is your favorite source for au pairs and what characteristics make you feel this way?” would lead to a positive discussion about nationalities generally that I can glean something from?

Bottom line, we will continue to look at candidates and try to evaluate our fit with them based on the information we have available– but in the back of my mind, I still wonder whether I should preference some other countries. We’re not interested in looking at another agency because we have been happy with au pair care and our local contact person is great.

Do you have any thoughts about this?

Host parents: How much does home country matter when you look for an au pair?

• Does home culture matter much to you when you look for au pairs?

• Which nationality is your favorite source for au pairs?

• What characteristics make you feel this way?

Note: This is not an invitation to trash or defend au pairs from Brazil, or Sweden, or anywhere else.

Let’s focus on whether, when and how cultural stereotypes matter, and what to do about that.

[Note: We'll talk about the role of socioeconomic background in upcoming post...]

See also:
Religion as an Au Pair selection criterion
Language as a Selection Criterion (Poll)
How to Avoid a Princess

Image: Brazilian Girls from rooshv

Au Pairs and their appearance– another dicey topic.

We don’t like to think that an au pair’s physical appearance affects how we (or others) respond to her, but the ugly truth is– appearances are influential.

When we (American) host parents react to an au pair’s appearance, we’re invoking preferences, expectations and interpretations based partly in stereotypes and norms related to gender, race, class, national culture, and personality….

We need to consider all of these when we respond to this host mom’s concern: Her au pair dresses like a “tramp”.

(Actual word changed to avoid spammers.)

Dear Au Pair Mom,

I don’t know how to describe the problem we are having with our Au Pair except to be blunt about it.

Our au pair dresses like a “tramp”.

She wears very short shorts, tank tops, tight t-shirts, padded bras, high-heeled boots- and we live in Arizona, so there is never a chance that she has to cover up to keep warm.

It would be one thing if she dressed like this just to go out at night with her friends, but she wears skimpy clothing 24-7.

I’m not concerned about my dear husband (he is oblivious. He is more interested in her being a safe driver.) I’m more concerned about the way that our au pair’s clothing invites other people to treat her. I think she must get a lot of cat-calls and even propositions from various men as she takes my twins around downtown the stroller. I worry about her safety.

Maybe I should point out that our au pair is tall and slender, European, highlighted hair, and above average pretty. She has been a great au pair so far… my kids adore her and she is dependable and pleasant. But the Daisy Dukes, the Victorias Secret push up bras, and the Hot Topixx are more than I can handle.

Am I just being too uptight? Should I go with it? Or should I say something to her about how her clothing makes her seem to others?

In all honesty, her clothing makes her look “low rent” and “easy”, and she is neither.

What do you recommend? Say something? Stay quiet? Take her to the Gap?

See Also: Myths About Au Pairs: Au Pair = Hottie

Images: SDSU Sorority Girls from San Diego Shooter