Must we use an Au Pair Agency to engage an Au Pair?

Yes.

Sure, you can go it alone, but then you would not be operating within US Law.

We emphatically recommend that you use an approved agency to find and retain your au pair. Following the laws and regulations protects both your family and your au pair.

There are 14 different approved agencies in the USA, and they range in both cost and in level of support (e.g., training, local counselors, etc.) If you are concerned about costs, you can do some comparison shopping and even contact agencies to try to negotiate some kind of signing bonus.

Pre-Matching with Someone You Already Know

If you already know a young person outside the US who you’d like as your au pair, you can “pre-match” with this person, and then engage an agency to manage the paperwork, travel, training and support.

Using a Website to Refer to an Agency

Also, you can find an au pair on one of many websites (e.g., Great Au Pair — not an endorsement, just an example) and then work through them to have both parties referred to an agency that operates within the home country of your desired au pair.

Bottom Line:

Trying to create and sustain an au pair relationship without using an approved agency is against the law. It’s also a bad idea.

For more on this issue, see these posts, below. Be SURE to read people’s comments for important details and insights.:

Going “Off the Board” to find an Au Pair

What the best way to Pre-Match with an Au Pair, before connecting to an Agency?

Reading the Fine Print: How do Au Pair Agency contracts differ?
Choosing an Au Pair Agency: Two questions that might make a difference
If you were an Au Pair: Agency or Website?
An Open Letter to Au Pairs without an Agency, Outside the USA

State Department Site re Au Pairs
“Designated Sponsor Organizations” aka Approved Au Pair Agencies

Owl Image from ThePinkTonka Shop on Etsy, filled with interesting owl-y things.

Last week I met a woman who’s editing two books on parenting. She was intrigued by the AuPairMom community and the kinds of conversations we have here, and she peppered me with questions. One of the questions she asked was a tough one– I could answer it for myself, certainly, but I was unable to say what was true for most, or even just many host parents.

So let me turn the quesiton over to you:

How does being an au pair Host Parent change you?

Not just as a parent, but as a person?

I’m so impressed that there are still 19, 22, or 29 shopping days left (depending on the holiday you celebrate), but many of you are already getting organized!

Right about when I posted the call for general gift ideas, we received this email from Au Pair MMC.

Her gift-giving situation adds four challenges–

• She needs a gift for an extended family member who lives with the host family.
• She needs suggestions for exchanging gifts with a family that is rather formal.
• She wonders what to get the household help (if anything?). And,
• Her family might have high expectations….

Hmmmm.

Here’s MMC’s email– what ideas can we offer her?

I’m very confused and over-whelmed right now, trying to figure out what gifts to give to the adults in my host family household. In this family’s culture, I’m tiptoeing on the fine line between employee and family member. That’s generally difficult in a country and culture that has a very strict division between the two, as this culture does.

Christmas is coming around soon, and I have no idea what is appropriate or expected of me for gift giving. Of course, I want to get presents for my boys, but I have always felt awkward about buying presents for married or attached men i.e. my host dad. I feel very inexperienced in manners and etiquette in this area.

Also, my host-mom’s brother also lives with us. He’s near my age, and we watch soccer and drink beer together and similar casual activities. I don’t know if I’m expected to get him a present also if I get one for everyone else. We also have household help that I’m very friendly with, but I don’t know if I’m expected to also get something for them.

My family is very kind, but they are a German-Dutch blended family. The German part is a little more formal, but my host dad is Dutch and is more casual. I don’t want to do anything untoward, but I’d like to get everyone presents.

Another problem is my host-family really has a lot of money, and it seems like they have everything they need. I want to get them presents they will enjoy, but I feel like nothing I can get for them will be good enough.

I would appreciate any suggestions. Thank you!

There’s something about hosting a friend of relative of your au pair that can mess with the fine balance between “part of the family”&  “childcare provider” and between “host mom” and “house elf/slave”.

For lots of us, we forget to check our assumptions about how we should act towards other people’s guests, how much of a host or hostess we should be, whether we should treat the guest like another au pair/family member or like the au pairs’s responsibility, and so on.

Most of us host parents want to be warm and welcoming when our au pairs have guests- whether these guests stop in for coffee or spend a week or two in your host parent house. Most of us have learned though trial and error what we can take, and what we can’t take, when it comes to house guests in general and guests of au pairs in particular.

ReturningHostMom writes with a great  opportunity.

She’s hosting an au pair’s house guest for the first time — with this particular au pair. This host mom has had some good and bad experiences hosting guests, and so she wants to know–

What can she do UP FRONT to set the expectations for the visit?

I’ve dug up this thread looking for some updated advice. Our AP is about to have her BFH (boyfriend from home) visit for two weeks over the Christmas holidays, and he will be staying in our house. I encouraged AP to invite BFH over Christmas, as we are going away for 10 days and while she was welcome to come, I didn’t think it would be much fun for her to be up at my sister’s house with their family, with her not knowing anyone there and not being the sort to make friends and go out with local APs, the way some of our previous APs were. So now I’m facing two weeks with BFH (a total of five days will be with us home), and then mom and sister are coming two weeks in the spring and godfather for 10 days in May. So I need this visit to go well, or I won’t be feeling welcoming for the next visits.

I should put up front that we have had great and awful visits with previous APs’ families: Two were fantastic – parents, boyfriends, boyfriends’ families, etc all visited, lots of fun, great to have them. One AP, though, had her mom and sister for two full weeks, and for two full weeks i cooked and cleaned and waited on them – they were lovely people and we had fun but still I felt very overworked, but then on the last night, after I cooked them a big “goodbye” dinner, AP announced she was leaving the next day with mom and sister. Turned out this had been the plan all along – flight was booked – and AP’s mom and sister simply used our house as a hotel so they could visit the US before AP left with them. So you can see why I’d be a little gun-shy with the visits this time around!

So what can I do to help ensure that this first visit goes well, so that I will feel happy about all those future visits as well?

I’ve tried to set expectations by being clear and outlining my expectations in the au pair handbook. I have in the handbook now that anytime guests stay longer than 3 days, that AP should provide food (thanks to that AP mom and sister who cleaned out our fridge of food every other day but paid for nothing). I have in the handbook that no guests should drive our cars, and I told AP that there would be a mileage limit for the visit (again, from that other AP, who put over 500 miles on our car when the mom and sister were visiting). I have in the handbook that AP must take vacation day on any day that I would otherwise need her to work and so will have to get back-up childcare.

I haven’t yet approached the question of sleeping arrangements with BFH, but since AP has told me that when BFH stays at her house at home, he stays in her room with her, I was thinking I’d just put them in there. Should I set some rules about the bathroom (small house -AP shares bathroom with two children 7 and 9, and her room is on same floor as our bedroom)? What else should I be thinking of?

We like this AP a lot, even though she is young for her age and needs a lot of hand-holding. She is kind, respectful, helpful, and very much a part of our family, and I really want to welcome her family with open arms…but I need this visit to go well in order to do so with the additional guests who are scheduled to come (plus I should add that she has had weekend visitors a fair amount too).

Advice? Suggestions? Thanks very much.

The Christmas & Holiday season is now officially upon us — just in time to work off that second slice of pumpkin pie.

I think I’m finally figuring out how to do these seasonal celebrations — I’ve got the weekly countdown calendar planner out again. We’ve sent out party invitations and even bought cases of wine for celebrations from now to January 6th. I’m feeling psyched that I’ve got at least this part of our family life happily underway.

One benefit to accruing experiences over time is that you get better at things — but only if you remember what you learned before.

Last year I “learned” once again that  I can never seem to find my Advent Wreath for the 1st Sunday. So, last January I put in in a storage box with our Thanksgiving decorations and voila!! — Here it is, ready to go. I am pumped.

At AuPairMom we’re approaching our 4th Christmas / Chanukah / Kwanzaa / Ashura / Solstice season.

We’ve got three previous years of pretty useful discussion. I’ve summarized the big issues below. The links will take you to the conversations we’ve had in the past about these topics… you can read these convos for some great insights and suggestions.

Even though we have stores of wisdom in these posts and comments, sometimes we seem to want to have the conversations anew. (Why is that, I wonder?   — Is it because we just like sharing tips with each other? Is it that if we already figured it out we get to feel helpful, and there’s always someone new to the situation.)

So, for fresh conversations, here are two ideas.

• First, I’ll be posting some new polls so that we can see what folks are planning for this year. Next week we’ll poll on gift amounts and on-duty plans.
• Second, if you have a topic that you want us to address, shoot me an email at mom@aupairmom.com. I swear on my leftover turkey that I will read my au pair mom email (more) promptly and get those up for us to discuss.

If we summarize all the wisdom into a few key points, here they are:

1. Have a Master Plan. Share this with your au pair.

2. Imagine the cadence, rhythm, style of observance and spirit of your ideal family holiday. Share this with your au pair.

3. Explain your extended family. Explain who you’ll be with and what those people need from you & your au pair. Tell your au pair what to expect and now to behave.

4. Plan a gift giving strategy that includes your au pair. Give your au pair dollar limits and suggestions so that s/he doesn’t go crazy buying stuff.

5. Remember the little things — they might surprise your au pair and delight you.

6. Remember that holidays are opportunities for ‘cultural exchange’. They can be emotionally draining and emotionally rich– your approach will determine what you experience.

1. Master Plan

Have a master plan for your holiday celebrations and share this with your au pair!! Let her or him know the big picture as soon as possible, and put all the details that you can on your family calendar as soon as possible.

• Plan Ahead for the Holidays. How will your Au Pair celebrate with you?
• Poll: Will your AP be on-duty on Christmas?

2. Holiday Spirit & Religious Observance

Think about the qualities and spirit you’d like you family holiday time to express…. share these with your au pair so that s/he can support you in creating the holiday time that you hope for. Enroll her or him now in your vision– it’s the best way to make sure you’re all on the same page. And, be open to what your au pair might want to contribute from her or his perspective.

• On celebrating each other’s religious holidays

What about if s/he doesn’t celebrate Christmas and we do?
What about if s/he does celebrate Christmas and we don’t?

• Christmas Tip: Tell your Au Pair what your family believes about Santa

3. Talk about and prepare for holiday people and events outside your immediate host family.

• Mixing Grandparents and Au Pairs at the Holidays
• My Au Pair has Awful Table Manners
• Eating Out at Restaurants: Advice for Host Families and Au Pairs
• What to Wear? asks the Au Pair
• Temporary Eviction: Would you make your Au Pair stay somewhere else while you are on vacation?

4. Gift Giving   

• Holiday Gifts for Au Pairs
  

• Holiday Bonus, Tip, or End of Year Cash Gift? (Poll)
  
• How much should you tip your Au Pair at Christmas?
• Gift, Bonus or Tip: Call it what you want, but keep in mind….

• Christmas Tip: Tell your Au Pair what your family believes about Santa

5. Cultural Exchange

• How Can You Help Your Au Pair Feel at Home over the Holidays?
• Homesickness and your Au Pair: How you might help
  

6. Littler things to think about …

• Celebrate Your Au Pair’s First Snowfall!
• Christmas Tip: Make sure your Au Pair has a stocking

Let me know if there are new topics to discuss, and look for a new poll next week.

Host Parents: Be my päkapikud this holiday?

Images: Enchanted Forest Felt Christmas Trees from Balloon Highway, available on Etsy; Lazy Bear handmade felted Polar bear on Etsy, Polar Bear Pair also on Etsy, but I can’t find the link….

I imagine that every au pair has an idea of what her or his “ideal” host family should be like. The assortment of children, the family’s location, their personality, their basic household rules… all of this factors in.

But how much do you think it matters that the family be “American”-American, rather than German-American or Recently-American?

I admit I haven’t thought much about this before. I know that some host families look for au pairs of certain national origins, often so that the the au pairs can help the parents reinforce a language in addition to English. (Of course, some au pairs avoid this kind of situation because they want to work only in English.)

And, we think about unconventional family arrangements that might affect the au pair’s lifestyle (e.g., divorced parents with two households).

But this family of Eager Parents raised the question– could their own family’s culture be seen as not “American” enough?

Hi AuPairMom,

We are considering getting an au pair, but need advice.

We are from Asia, and have been living in the US for over 10 yrs. We are citizens and can host an AP. However, knowing that it is designated as a cultural exchange, not sure how it would work.

We are a mix of the Asian and American culture and believe that it will be a truly enriching experience, only not in the typical way.

Does anyone have thoughts n the feasibility/success in this situation?

Thanks for your thoughts- Eager Parents

Personally, I think that this family shouldn’t worry, and should focus on communicating their personalities and family values, which in the end are more important (in my mind) to a great au pair relationships.

• What would you advise these parents to consider? What might they add to their family letter & to their interview plans?

• When they choose an au pair, what might they do to make sure their year is a success?

Image: Chinese Family from Haneen Krimly

Our Swedish au pair got off Skype with a friend back home in Stockholm last evening as we made dinner, looking rather gray and scared. She asked us to tell her which laws that had been changed now because of Hurricane Irene, and were we allowed to be walking around after dark.

Turns out that the news of various governors and President Obama “declaring emergencies” — which is a strictly financial declaration, freeing up federal funding to states and localities to pay for emergency response and preparation — has been interpreted by news casters in her home country into “martial law”. She pulled up the google translate app to show me that that’s what it really means.

We assured her this was not the case, reminding her that English has a lot more words than other languages and sometimes that’s actually a good thing even though it makes it hard to learn. She then got a lesson in U.S. federalism using disaster response as an example, and was much relieved to know that armed police officers wouldn’t be patrolling our quiet suburb, that she and her au pair pals would not be arrested for going to the gym after dinner, as planned.

Poor thing! And her poor family and friends back home! No wonder they think Americans are uptight.

I can imagine this is being reported in many other home countries as well. Counselors on the Eastern seaboard would be doing their au pairs and host families a big favor by explaining what a “declaration of emergency” means, and that in the hours before a storm hits, there really isn’t much other news going on, so the news outlets all pick up on the official declarations and make it sound rather ominous.

Every host parent has his or her own approach to interacting with their au pair. Our personalities affect some of this, but even more important is who has taken which role in the host parents – au pair relationship.

When adults team up to become parents, homemakers and breadwinners, they divvy up these roles so that most of the important things get covered.

With regard to interacting with the au pair — who is part of the family and also an employee– sometimes one parent manages the ‘family’ part while the other manages the ‘employee’ part.

Or, parents might split up categories of responsibilities, with one parent doing the childcare & home management tasks while the other parent does the phone bills & car management.  Others might take a good cop- bad cop approach and have one parent deliver all the tough news so that the partner with regular direct AP contact can avoid negative blowback, and so on.

In most families with a host dad and a host mom, it is the mom who takes most of the responsibility for interacting with the au pair around kid & home related issues.

Even though this seems like the ‘typical’ gendered split of family work, and thus shouldbe predictable and conventional, this kind of split can make it hard for an au pair to connect strongly with both the host mom and the host dad.

Without things to talk about with the host dad, or projects to do together, it’s hard for them to get to know each other. Add the cross-gender dynamic and some dads’ preferences to be wary of how they connect with younger adult women, there is often a much bigger gap between a (female) au pair and a (male) host dad.

Add to this language challenges, cultural differences and generational differences between how moms and dads are supposed to act (and expected to act by the Au Pair) and you’ve got a complex situation.

Below is an email from July, who writes about challenges with her host dad.

Dear “Mom”,

I’m wondering– Is it typical for HDs to take a back-seat and leave HMs to organise everything au-pair related?

I’ve been with my Host Family for a month now, they live in Vienna, Austria, and I’m originally Irish, but came to them from the UK. Of course, they speak German, but I was originally hired with the Mother’s intentions that I speak English with the children [they don’t understand anything past “please and thank you”, but that’s another issue!!]. I do speak some German myself, I did a year-long course before I arrived for 3 months.

Fortunately, because of the Mother’s work, she speaks very good English, so there hasn’t been an issue there. The problem is the Father speaks no English whatsoever, hence I try so hard to speak German with him. But any time I do, he either calls for his wife to come and “sort what’s wrong”, or mumbles something in a strong dialect that I don’t understand.

Here’s an example of the kind of mix-up this causes:
The day that I arrived, I brought my carry-on bag and handbag inside with me from the car, HM told me I could leave my checked bag in the car for HD to carry up to the apartment later. After dinner, I went to unpack my carry-on, but I wanted to finish all my unpacking, so I waited for HD to take up my case and let me know. I waited until half past eleven that night[!!] before knocking on the door of their “private” living room. HM wasn’t there, only HD. I was so tired after my journey, but I tried my best to ask in German could I please go to the car to fetch my luggage. He didn’t understand anything, but got up from his chair and walked me to the kitchen [maybe he thought I was asking for a drink?], when I saw my case in the hallway. I pointed to it, and said “that’s what I was looking for, thank you”, and he slumped off.

Last week, HM asked me to give “us” my bank details, so HD can arrange my stipend be paid by transfer. She’s a busy woman, so when i caught HD in the kitchen after dinner, I handed him the paper, explained what it was in German, and asked him to come back to me if it was’ missing any info. He had no idea what was going on.

Sometimes he arrives home while one of the two kids are in a tantrum, and doesn’t bother asking me what happened… just goes straight into cuddling the kid who was naughty to the other, instead of the victim. I feel undermined, the victim kid is confused, and the bold kid gets away with hitting the other! grrr

I understand that he works hard to provide for his family, but it’s not fair to ignore me or to make my job harder by ignoring me. Is there anything I can do or say to make him feel more comfortable? I’m a first-time au pair, but there’s been three au pairs in this family before me, but I have no contact with any of them to find out did they have the same experiences with him.

In addition to specific advice and conversation about July’s situation, I’d love your thoughts on this:
What can a (female) au pair do to make a good, comfortable working relationship with a Host Dad?
What can a (female) au pair do to make a good, comfortable ‘part of the amily’  relationship with a Host Dad?

Sometimes no matter how many different sources we check, we don’t get enough information to make international travel with our au pairs go without a hitch.

JamaicaMom sent this story, and wonders if there was some stone she left unturned, some box she failed to check, some egg that failed to hatch, some colloqualisim that translated imperfectly, that held the whole family in Jamaica until their au pair could clear Customs and come home together.

We recently returned from a trip to the Caribbean and were traveling with our au pair, who is from eastern Europe. We did everything our agency told us to do, and followed all the advice I read on this blog about traveling with an au pair:

1. She had a current passport that was not expiring anytime soon
2. We got her a visa for the country we were visiting
3. We contacted the airline and told them we were traveling with our au pair and asked if there was any special documentation she needed to travel with in order to re-enter the U.S.

Our trip was to the Bahamas, which is one of about five countries in the world where you go through U.S. immigration/customs at their airport when you are returning home. Typically, you go through customs when you arrive on U.S. soil.

When it was our turn to be interviewed by the U.S. customs officer he asked us to produce her ORIGINAL “certificate of eligibility for exchange visitor (J-1) status”. This is a white piece of paper that this issued by the U.S. department of state. We DID NOT have the original, or even a copy.

While we were allowed to pass through customs and return home our au pair was detained. We decided to stay with her and work to resolve the issue so she could return to the U.S. This was very scary for us and for our au pair.

I just wanted to inform everyone traveling with their au pairs out of the country that in order to gain entry back into the U.S. you must travel with this paper and it must be the original. Just in case – like us – you didn’t know that.

Cheers, JamaicaMom

See also: Tip: Insist on the Second-To-Last bus
How risky is it to travel when her J-1 Visa is soon to expire?
It’s YOUR vacation, not hers. Okay?

lovely baby photo by mamaloco on Flickr

Have you ever been slightly envious of your au pair’s year of adventure?

There have been many times that I’ve wondered what I mgiht have been like had I been an au pair (or an exchange student) and had the chance to live somewhere so different, make different friends, try new things, and experiment with life while having the support of a host family and the exit strategy of going back home.

Those of us who’ve imagined how we’d make our own au pair year great, or who have had au pairs who have taken full (positive) advantage of their years, often wonder why more au pairs don’t have more enthusiasm for using their free time well.

Consider this concern from Annonymom-

How do host families deal with dumb off-duty decisions and behavior from an otherwise great AP?

We are finishing up our first year as a HF and we have a very good AP. The kids really like her, she shows up to work on time, clean and dressed and ready to work. She drives extremely well. She is polite, kind, interested in what we are doing and how our day goes. She helps around the house and unloads the dishwasher, does her own laundry and never complains about food. We really like her a lot and think of her as part of our family. As I write that, I think to myself – wow, really great AP…..but…..

I’m very disappointed by how she acts when she isn’t “on duty”.

Her friends and boyfriend are not nice people. The friends are all APs from her home country. The boyfriend is what I would call a loser (and is American). She does everything for him, he does nothing for her. And being significantly older than she is, he is going NO WHERE. She spends every weekend with him when he is not working and has not seen a single thing in our state (or out of state) since she met him 9 months ago.

In discussion about this topic, she says that she knows she doesn’t stand up for herself but sees nothing wrong in her choices.

I have two very impressionable children and am worried her “I will let you walk all over me if only you’ll be my friend” attitude will be realized and immitated.

So here is my question – how do other host families deal an AP when their off hours behavior when rubs them wrong way?
(For the record, we have already agreed to extend as she swears it is for the kids and not the friends…I hope she isn’t lying!)

Many thanks! Annonymomom

So parents and au pairs:

(How) Can host parents help Au Pairs use their free time (more) wisely?

See Also:
In Loco Parentis? Your Parental Responsibilities when your AP’s behavior challenges your values

image: Wrrr By kthrn Roadside Democracy by By Dead Air