Let’s cut through the b.s. of the lovely agency brochures, the glowing endorsements on agency blogs, and the romanticized picture of a delightful young person shepherding our kids across the park to the playground.

Why do we really have au pairs as child caregivers?

Why are we opening up our homes, and sometimes even our hearts, to these people we don’t know?

If you poll a group of au pairs on a bad day, they’ll tell you what they suspect:

Families get au pairs because au pairs are inexpensive childcare.

The other stuff, the cultural exchange stuff? That’s all a distraction to make people feel better about paying au pairs so little.

Well, they just might be right. About some families.

The Real Reason(s) for getting an Au Pair

Costs matter, but that’s not why my DH and I chose to get an au pair over other kinds of childcare.

Our #1 reason was flexibility. As a professor I had a demanding but flexible schedule, where my days had only temporary routines. We needed a different pattern of hours every 8 weeks. We had homes in two cities and we traveled back and forth between them. No other form of childcare was going to work with that kind of life. Plus, my best friend had an au pair and really liked the host family experience.

And how about you?

Image by Cathy Nichols. Go to her shop on Etsy and see why I love her paintings.
It’s not just for the owls, ‘tho they are adorable, aren’t they?

When a host mom emailed to ask for some specific suggestions around keeping the cost of cell phones down, I flinched. The whole cell phone thing, like recycling, is delegated in our house to my DH. Why? Because I just can’t stand to deal with it. Though I should deal with it, and stop avoiding it by remaining ignorant.

But hey, that’s my issue. It is, however, also related to this HM’s issue. And, with no knowledge to share with her myself, I turn to you, dear readers, for your knowledge of what cell phones (will) actually cost, and for you concrete suggestions about how to keep costs down.

Here is our Host Mom’s full email, with her specific information needs:

Does anyone have a really easy, painless way to deal with cell phone use so I don’t feel like I’m paying too much, and yet she won’t feel cut off from her friends?


Is 50 bucks a month about how much the au pair cell phone is going to cost, even if we shift around our cell phone accounts? We have an opportunity to do this.


I was looking around the site last night and didn’t quite find these answers. Lots of conversations about billing for overuse, but by doing the go-phone we have built-in limits. Even so, I was reviewing our pay-as-you-go phone account and it looks like I’ve been spending 50 bucks a month on au pair cell phone use, which surprised me.


I don’t want to turn into a shrewish host, I HATE accounting, and just I’ve never wanted to get into nickel and diming the au pairs about cell phone use. We have VOIP, so I encourage them to use the house phone as much as possible and don’t charge them for calling another continent from home, since it’s the same price as calling a neighbor.


The problem with using the self-limiting go phone arises when I need to reach my AP, for example, to tell her that I will pick them up in a different spot, only to discover she has run out of funds and I, the parent, cannot reach her at all. The point of the cell phone is for ME to reach her with kid-related information, not her convenience for chatting with friends.

She is a very responsible AP, and does not stay on the cell for hours, so I’m trying to figure out if this is just the price of doing business, or if I’m spending a lot too much.

My Pink Hello Kitty Cell! from fatcatinakomona
Hello kitty cell phone casefrom Pinky Anela
Talking on my Hello Kiitty cell…from ironic1

I’ve been reluctant to bring this topic up again because last year the idea of giving your Au Pair a holiday cash gift or top really seemed to freak people out.

Check the earlier posts before you go wild:

How much should you tip your Au Pair at Christmas?

However, I got two emails from host moms who want to know how many people give their au pairs extra cash at New Years/Christmas/Holidays, and how much they typically give.

Some important background here:

• In every list you see of “who to tip and how much” at “The Holidays” there is a mention of Nannies & Au Pairs. Now, granted, nannies and au pairs are very different kinds of caregivers, but in the eyes of people who don’t know the difference (and who write these lists) they lump them together.

• And, the suggested amount? One to two weeks pay, based on how long they have worked with you.

Also — the idea of a tip may feel awkward, or the idea of a bonus might feel awkward, or the idea of giving your au pair cash might feel awkward. Be sure to tell us which part of the idea bothers you- or makes sense to you.

Let’s go to the polls. Notice that they unfold in a logic, so read each question before clicking.

Sometimes the concept of treating an au pair like a ‘member of the family’ doesn’t give you enough guidance. This seems especially true when it comes to figuring out ‘who pays for what, when’. We got a request (using the Skribit feature) for a post that would heolp to establish some guidelines for this.

I’ve started a list here of things that need to be paid for, with an initial try at who pays for what. The principle here is that the host family pays for what would be offered to other members of the family (esp. to a teenager/young adult), but your au pair pays for things that only she enjoys or where she exercises lots of personal discretion.

Let’s figure out what other general categories and specific situations need to be added to the list:

Food
Host parents pay for

• Regular, healthy food for 3 meals a day, 7 days a week
  This means buying enough of the family’s regular food to feed her as well, imagining that she’d eat as large a portion as the hungriest host parent.
• A few grocery items just for her:
  Cookies, herb tea, some ground beef if you are vegetarians, some tofu if she is. (Obviously, this is assuming that you have no political or religious issues with having meat in your vegetarian/vegan home).
• Non-kosher items for her, if your family is kosher and if the au pair is willing to store, cook, and eat the non-Kosher food in a way that does not mess with your religious traditions
• Up to $25/week of stuff  ‘for her’ (see note at end)
• Groceries for her to prepare for herself when you are away for the weekend and she is home alone.
  (This is part of the 3 meals/7 days concept).
• The same food you get yourself when your are out and she is with you, on duty
• Dinners out with host family when on duty
  Expect her to follow your lead with entrees. Take her only to places where you can afford to have her choose anything from the menu, unless it’s an odd situation (in that case, explain in the car before you get there). Offer her a rule of thumb– buy either an appetizer or dessert, not the most expensive item nor the least expensive item. The rough part here is if the parents want to splurge on a nice wine or an expensive entree, but they do not want to pay for the same for the au pair. This happens (!), and to me it seems to be reasonable if you want to get a $60 bottle of wine that you’d prefer not to share; just be clear if you want to splurge yourself but ask others to choose regular items.
• Coffee and snack when out with the kids or with you at Starbucks, Target, etc.
• Any beer or wine at family events or while watching football.
• Popcorn when she takes the kids to the movies.
• Takeout/pizza that is ordered for family meals, whether she is on or off duty (but only at the same cost level as the family)

Au Pair pays for

• Fancy cocktails (if she is over 21) when you are out to dinner
• Coffee & snacks or meals out when she is off duty and with her friends
• Freaky diet drinks
• Food used to prepare meals for her friends and guests when she is at your house
• Alcoholic beverage consumed at your house when she has guests (if permitted)
• Food items above and beyond the basic groceries and $25 budget
• Food when she is on vacation, whether at your house alone or on her travels. (If she is having a ’staycation’, you might just include her in the grocery shopping)
• Takeout/pizza items above and beyond what is planned for “family” meals

Health & Beauty Aids
Host family pays for (really, gives Au Pair access to) Band Aids, the occasional ibuprofen, tissues, bar soap, hand soap, hairdryer. Also, toilet paper, tissues, paper towels and cleaning supplies if she cleans her own room or bathroom.

Au Pair pays for all of her shampoos, cosmetics, sanitary supplies, prescriptions, cold medications, hair color, toothpaste, bath gel, curling irons, haircuts.

Activities
Host Family pays for

• Tickets and fees related to activities when the au pair is on duty
• Tickets to family outings when the Au Pair is off-duty but explicitly invited (e.g., to the movies with the kids)

Au Pair pays for

• Tickets to outings when the Au Pair is off-duty and the host parents are happy to take her with them but would prefer not to pay (e.g., A family Broadway show with Grandma). Hey, we can afford to take Grandma for her birthday… but we can’t afford to pay for the au pair. Such is life.

Medical & Dental Care

• Au pair pays for this personal care

Gas and Tolls
Au Pair pays when using car for personal travel.

Host family pays when car is used for family business.

Car Washing: Figure this out in advance, e.g., Au Pair if she is the only user of the car, Host family if you both use car.

Tele/Communications
Host family pays for
All the basics that the family enjoys:

• Telephone basic service (local calls)
• HBO/Cable TV, internet access
• Computer printing of basic stuff (e.g., directions to train station)

Optional: Cell phone basic local (if host family wants to provide this)

Au Pair pays for
Personal items and premium services:

• All long distance phone calls, texting,
• Movies On Demand, video rentals for herself, Library fines for her own books
• Premium online/ internet services (e.g., photo storage, manipulation, printing)
• Fancy computer printing (e.g., photos, large color items, party invitations)

Travel
Host family pays for

• Au Pair’s tickets to travel with the family, on duty, regular class (even if the parents take upgrades. But don’t leave her with the kids in economy class unless she is being paid to be on duty)
• When Au Pair is traveling from ‘home base’ to vacation spot so that she can be on duty at your vacation spot (e.g., you buy her a bus ticket from your house in NY City to your house in the Hamptons, regular class, so that she can be on duty in the Hamptons)
• Hotel accommodations in a room other than the parents’ room, while traveling with the family on duty or off duty.
  (IMHO, it is fine to ask the au pair to share a room with the kids, as long as you make sure she has some privacy during her off duty time, when she is changing/showering, and when she wants to watch TV after kids go to bed)

Au Pair pays for

• Tickets to and from the family’s vacation spot if she is unwilling/prefers not to travel with the family in their car, or in the travel mode they prefer
• Tickets to and from the family’s vacation spot if she prefers to use a more expensive form of transportation (e.g., she wants to take the water taxi or luxury jitney, but you have given her a train ticket)
• Tickets to and from a vacation spot if she is joining the family on vacation but not going to be on duty, unless the family can afford to treat her

Household damage

Host family pays for

• Basic wear and tear: when things break and go wrong through regular use
• Basic household accidents (e.g., tea kettle catches fire, toilet overflows b/c you did not explain plumbing)

Au Pair pays for

• Dumb accidents that could have been avoided if she followed the directions that you have already gone over with her (e.g., sets off burglar alarm and can’t turn it off b/c she can’t remember where the code is and then you get whacked with the $50 ‘false alarm’ fee; water damage to the first floor powder room b/c she is unwilling to use the shower curtain correctly in the third floor bathroom; replacing the window fan after her balloon ribbons get strangled around it and burn out the motor; restoring all the software on your computer after she downloads something without permission and it has a virus your updated protection software didn’t catch)

What else should we add? And, what principle(s) do you use when you’re trying to figure out ‘who pays for what’?

(note: Regarding the $25 extra grocery ‘allowance’– this happens to be the maximum amount that most host parents thought was reasonable (in a previous discussion) for budgeting for the au pair’s “extras”. You are not expected to offer this “allowance” explicitly, or to offer it in addition to buying a proportionally larger amount of groceries overall. It’s just a guideline that you can use to figure out when you’ve gone too far.)

Are there any situations when it’s fair for you to withhold or ‘dock’ your au pair’s pocket money?

We skirted around this issue in a previous conversation about when your au pair refuses to work, but never answered it directly. Now, we’ve got a topic request (on Skribit) with a very specific situation:

You AP has a car accident that was completely her fault, and costly car repairs must be made. Your insurance will cover all but the deductible, which is $500 (following the recommendation of your Au Pair Agency). However, despite the fact that you discussed car insurance and what would happen if there was an accident, your AP is refusing to contribute to the deductible. What do you do?

Let’s assume that, since the accident was due entirely to the Au Pair’s carelessness, you have asked her to pay the entire $500. (some readers might disagree with this, but go with me here…) She won’t pay.

You need to be completely confident that you covered all of the issues related to car accidents before this accident occured, preferably by having these points in your family handbook.

• The deductible is $500.
• If accident is caused by her, she pays all $500.
• If there is doubt about the cause, you pay $250 and she pays $250.
• Your au pair has a decent understanding of how car insurance works in the US.
• Also, she understands that the out of pocket cost for the deductible is only one part of the total cost of the accident… those costs included loss of use of the car, depreciation in the value of the car, and increased insurance rates (likely) for your family in the future.

In this case, you’ve eliminated issues about whether she understands her responsibility, and all that is left is a question of whether or not she’ll pony up her share of the costs.

Here are two options:

1. Withhold her pay/ garnish her pocket money.

Although I think it is likely against the ‘rules’ of most agencies to withhold part of the au pair’s pocket money, I would. I’d do it in a way that spread the repayments over time, maybe with $50/wk for 10 weeks. You’ll be making a trade-off between the time you have a potentially resentful au pair and a potentially awkward payday, and the amount of money that the au pair needs to do without each week. Keep in mind that 10 weeks of a grumpy au pair is a lot of time, and yet $50 is less than 1/3rd of a week’s pay.

Announce to the Au Pair that this is the fairest way to make sure she covers her responsibility while still having enough spending money, and that you both will keep a written record of deductions and payments.

[I like to write on the calendar on the day our au pair is paid, and how much, if it is something other than the usual pocket money. I ask our AP to initial this to acknowledge what she's received.]

2. Rescind the privilege of personal use of the car (not possible in some areas, more possible in others).

Having a car at your disposal is a privilege, and if you can’t or won’t afford to live by the rules of the car, then you can’t use the car. You can try this to see if it pushes your au pair to take responsibility.

Keep in mind that any action you take that your au pair disagrees with will generate resentment and possibly spawn other problems. And, even if she does agree, she may still resent having to pay.

Those are the breaks, I think. The alternative, of letting your au pair get away with both damaging the car and not paying her fair share, takes too much advantage of you. And, it sets up a situation where you as host parent(s) are seen as making rules that you don’t follow… which does little to generate respect and appreciation.

That’s my opinion– what’s yours? Let’s hear it parents (and au pairs)!

Here’s a quick question from the suggestion box:

Do you put your au pair on your auto insurance policy?

For me, this one is a no-brainer. If your au pair drives your car(s), she should be on your policy. It’s not just the law, it’s a good idea. h

As younger and less experienced drivers, au pairs are statistically more likely than a parent to have some kind of car accident. She needs to be insured.

Auto repair costs and medical costs can be so high, even for what looks like minor damage, that having her uninsured exposes you to too much financial risk. (Anyone dent the side of a minivan door? I backed in to one recently, and it cost me $750 to fix it.)

Do your best to manage the cost

We’ve always had au pairs who were 21 and older, in part b/c the cost of insuring them is much less than the cost of insuring someone under 21.

We have also asked for the ‘good student’ discount, and even once shopped around for a better offer than USAA (couln’t find one).

And, we manage the deductibles on our cars so that we can reduce the rates. But, we always always insure our au pairs outright.

Your mileage may vary, though. What do you do?

Also, be sure to check out these posts on Cars & Driving (and there are even more if you click on the category Cars&Driving in the sidebar…)

When your au pair has a fender-bender: Who pays and what and how
After the car accident: Advice on what to talk about with your au pair
Want safe driving? Forbid your au pair to use the cellphone in the car – ever

What happens when your Au Pair gets sick and needs some medical care?

We already know that as good host parents we need to provide them with reasonable ’sick time’ off and not dock their pay (although I think it’s fine to reschedule their hours in the same week). But what about the cost of medical treatment?

Over all our 11 au pairs, we only had one with a ’serious’ health problem– actually a dental problem — and I was able to cajole my dentist into treating her at a reduced rate. This turned out to be an interesting professional experience for him. As he described it: "Her dental care was state of the art– in 1959 in the Soviet Union."

Other times, we have had Au Pairs who needed OB/GYN care (cramps, etc.) and I sent them to the Planned Parenthood clinic. And, when they’ve had bad coughs, sprained wrists, and so on they’ve gone to the ‘Doc in the Box’ emergent care center, for $75. But, thank goodness, never anything serious or expensive.

And I’m relieved about that too, because you only realize how expensive even the most basic health care can be until you see someone trying to pay for it ‘out of pocket’.

So what’s a host parent to do, when their au pair actually gets sick, and does need care? Here’s one host mom’s concern…

We have currently have our second au pair, and have had very good experiences with both of our au pairs to date. Some ups and downs, but generally very positive. However with each au pair I have had an uncomfortable situation in terms of a medical issue and health insurance.

In each case the au pair had a relatively mild viral illness (my husband and I are doctors and felt pretty confident that this was nothing worrisome). In each case our AP has wanted to see a doctor and has complained extensively about the symptoms.

We didn’t feel comfortable telling her not to see a doctor and ultimately each has gone to a local MD and has come out with a prescription for a medication (inhaler and antibiotic in one case, antibiotic alone in the other) of dubious value for her condition.

Both au pairs were shocked at:
1. the size of the medical bill
2. how little the au pair insurance covers
3. the cost of prescriptions drugs.

Each has then asked me to either try to get the medications from my work (I don’t work in an office, and don’t have samples available) and/or pay part of the bills.

One had a mild allergic reaction to the drug she was prescribed and landed in a local emergency room, generating an additional bill of $350, which really distressed her (she has the money saved, but had planned to use it for other things). With or without antibiotics the illnesses have been over within 1-2 weeks.

In general, I believe in treating our au pairs as a member of the family while they are with us. But I admit, I don’t like the idea of being expected to help with these medical bills or with obtaining prescriptions. I was an exchange student abroad in college (when I was younger than my au pairs) in a program where I lived with a family. It would never in a million years have crossed my mind to ask for their help with medical bills. I have considered both of our au pairs adults and expect them to be responsible for their own health care. Has anyone else encountered a similar situation??

Last year there was a story in the New York Times about a family with an au pair who had cancer, and they not only paid for her treatment but also housed her and her mother while she recovered from surgery and chemo. This was wonderful of them, but really above and beyond what is or should be expected.

I agree with this host mom — medical costs are not the host family’s responsibility. This is one of those areas where having an au pair be ‘like a family member’ is not the same as if she were your daughter. (Unless of course you have a lot of money and would not be challenged to pay for her medical care.) But what do you think?

Looks can be deceiving. Many of us have been surprised to discover that the petite young woman who is our Au Pair is actually a bottomless pit or a fledgling linebacker, in terms of how much she can eat.

Obviously, no one wants to starve her au pair– part of what we provide for our au pairs, to the best of our ability, is nutritious food offered in the spirit of family and generosity.

And yet, if you are watching your grocery bills (and who isn’t these days) that extra two servings at dinnertime, the loss of leftovers for later meals, the expectation that meat be available for lunches and for dinners, can all add up.

From AZ HM:

Our aupair rarely asks for special foods. However, my husband and I are regularly in awe of the amount of food she eats. We typically eat dinner at home as a family and she always joins us. I’ve had to adjust my cooking to include at least two extra servings for each meal. Where we would nearly always have leftovers for another meal or lunch, we rarely do now.

She typically eats a hot lunch with meat (the limited leftovers or cooks a full meal), where we all eat sandwiches.

Our issue is how much our grocery budget has increased. I just don’t feel like I can tell her "you can’t eat that much." Any suggestions on how to handle an aupair with an appetite that is so much greater than the other adults in the family?

From Jane:

This year I had a similar experience to AZ HM–a tiny, petite au pair who eats way more food than even my husband. I knew it wasn’t just me when my Mom–who always cooks way too much food– commented on au pair’s impressive appetite and joked with me about how I could afford to keep feeding her.

It was a difficult adjustment at first becuase our original au pair ate about the same amount as me and we always had leftovers for lunch.

TIP I accepted that I would need to cook more, and TIP gradually the au pair curbed a little bit of her eating habits when she saw she was gaining a lot of weight. She still eats a larger portion than me, but she’s no longer out eating my husband.

TIP She also cut back a little after going on a few trips with me to the grocery store and seeing how I spend twice the amount of her weekly stipend on the family’s food for the week. Letting au pairs see how much things cost does help I think.

Home Economic$ education

I like Jane’s idea of starting with a little bit of Home Economic$ education… which is something that our au pairs often learn from us.

Show your au pair the process that you go through to purchase groceries. In my house, I start with a vague menu of entrees — 2 nights of chicken, one night of beef, one meatless meal, and yes pizza (often homemade) or fish when the good stuff is on sale. Although I already know what the costs are b/c I but the groceries, I write down approximately how much I want to spend on each meal (pretty much my dinner budget is $15 for the entree– the veggies I don’t worry about.) Already I’m at $75. Then, I add a pound each of deli turkey and roast beef. Toss in the yogurts for breakfast, cheese for snacks, and Oreos … and that’s the main food of the week. (Again, veggies don’t count.) Add this all up on scratch paper, and you can show her how much things cost.

Talk about serving sizes and about cost per serving. When I’m imagining whether I can afford the lamb chops whether I can fit lamb chops in the weekly budget, I think about how many chops each adult would eat, how many come in a package, and how much the package costs. If I can buy it under $15 (on sale) then I do.

So, as you plan your grocery lost, ask your au pair to estimate in advance how many portions she’ll need/want :

"One hamburger or two?" "
"3 lamb chops or 4? I’d plan on about 6 lamb chops for the two of us, since I’d eat 3 myself, but what about you?"
"Is there anything planned for dinner that you want to have as leftovers "encore presentations" for lunch the next day? I’m planning on having some of the leftover lasagna for the kids’ lunches… and you?"

Talk about how you try to economize on food. In my house, to economize means to save on both TIME and MONEY by making more than enough for one meal and to using the extra portions for lunches (usually mine and the au pair’s). Talk about what happens when food is discarded or when what’s planned for a second meal is eaten at the first.

Help your au pair plan her own week of eating. Ask her to tell you what she wants for lunch and how much of whatever she needs. Ask her to write it down… not only to make it easier for you to remember these items when shopping, but also to get her to be a bit more intentional about what she eats. This is good not only for the budget, but also for the body & soul.

I know that my own kids have been surprised when I talk to them about grocery budgeting and menu planning, and tell them that I’ll buy those snack pack pudding that they like but only when on sale b/c I think that $.75 per pudding is too much money and we can make it at home instead.

Don’t use the term "leftovers"- – it implies that the remaining portions of food are "extra" rather than intended to be eaten. I know I’ll sound crazy in saying this, but in my house we call these "Encore Presentations ", as in "Tonight is an Encore Presentation of vegetarian lasagna, this time with extra broccoli! Whoo hooo!"

I recognize that all of these strategies I mention are cognitive — they take the ‘let’s think about it and plan for it’ approach. But I’m more comfortable with this than with an emotional approach. In fact I can’t even think of how you’d take an approach that wasn’t cognitive/rational…. so I hope you other parents have ideas…!!

Female Football Player by tragicx01 on Flickr
Nathan’s Hotdog eating contest -7 4 2006 by jkgreenstein12

As part of our conversations about grocery shopping, food, costs, and being ‘part of the family’, many of us have mentioned that we invite or allow our au pairs to add items to the family grocery list, which we then pay for out of our family budget. Usually, we do this to accommodate our au pair’s food preferences while still taking responsibility for making sure she is nourished.

But how much money do you think is appropriate, an inquiring mom wants to know?

If you’ve had more than one au pair, think about it in terms of averages.  And, as always, add additional comments too!

Grocery Store Aisle by Jeff Keen on Flickr
Groceries in Transit by qmnonic on Flickr

An anonymous reader of the post "Feeding my kids too much fast food" mentioned having had a problem with her au pair and credit cards:

DO NOT EVER give your AP a credit card or debit card to use. We learned the hard way with our first AP. She was getting cash back with all grocery and gas purchases and managed to fund a tidy nest egg before we caught her and sent her back to her home country. Now when AP buys something, she pays with her own money and give us a receipt for reimbursement. We try to do our own shopping and keep the car full (she puts her own gas in for social use). I will leave her a $20 once in a while to pick up milk or a pizza, but I ask for a receipt and the change. Lead them not into temptation.

It never occurred to me to give my APs a credit card. I have a hard enough time with the temptation of ‘buy now, pay later’!  We’ve always used the "pizza money in an envelope" method, with me putting in cash for incidentals and her putting in receipts. This has worked well for us, in part I bet because I take care of so many other potential expenses directly (e.g., I keep the family car full of gas, I write checks for her to take to their piano lessons, I order groceries online and pay online, etc.)

But, I’m intrigued by how other people manage incidental expenses, and especially how host families use credit cards. So– Let’s think about CREDIT cards only (not debit cards) — and tell:

Have you found a good system? Do you have a story or advice to share? Tell us more…

Eiko & Her Credit Cards by eikootje on Flickr