In the seasons of the Au Pair year, there often comes a time after The Honeymoon and All Systems Go, but before On the Way Out, when some au pairs hit The Minimum Viable Performance.

(Sometimes, though not always, this is paired with The Slough of Not Giving a Shit  Not Caring Anymore.)

During The Minimum Viable Performance phase, your au pair stops trying to improve, stops trying to grown, stops taking pride in her or his work, stops even keeping up the appearance of doing a good job, and only does just enough that you don’t send her/him into rematch.

The Minimum Viable Performance  period is a dangerous time for host parents– we aren’t sure what to do, and we are often tempted to settle for less than what we’d hoped.

What can you do when your au pair stops doing a good job?

Host parents usually take one of two paths to respond to the MVP. They either (1) start picking up all the slack themselves, or (2) they start working on the performance issues of the au pair.

Pick up the Slack

If you start by picking up the slack yourself, or by lowering your standards, you usually build up a huge amount of resentment. Then, you erupt at an inappropriate moment, getting pissed at your au pair, and feeling so resentful that it’s hard to repair the relationship. And, on the way to this eruption, you’re probably grumped to your partner and all your friends. This is not a great way to go.

Work on Performance Issues

The other path takes steps to address the au pair’s performance.

First, Host Parents respond to the Minimum Viable Performance by treating the performance issue as though it stems from the au pair not knowing what s/he is supposed to do. Often, s/he and the HP’s describe this as ‘forgetting’ what’s expected.

What we do:  HPs remind the au pair, retrain the au pair, leave lists of things that need to get done, and so on. They take a logical, information-based approach to the problem.

This seems to be a fair way to go, since it is technically possible that s/he forgot or doesn’t know. And, sometimes simply making it clear that the performance isn’t up to par and that you have noticed will embarrass the au pair into doing a better job. Plus, when in doubt, it works best to assume that your au pair wants to do a good job and wants to be appreciated.

When this doesn’t work, some Host Parents shift to focus on the emotions that they think might be behind the au pair’s behavior.

Host parents try to diagnose the MVP as something that stems from not being appreciated, having ‘short timers’ syndrome’, being distracted by their social life, and so on.

What we do:  Host parents have a heart-to-heart talk about the poor performance, and try to draw the au pair out. They focus on (emotional) motivations like taking pride in her or his work or doing a good job as a role model for the kids. They appeal to the au pair’s highest personal expectations, and sometimes they can get the au pair back on track.

There are additional steps to take next, but I’m going to leave it up to you readers to unfold these in your comments, below.

And, to help you out, here are not one but two examples of Host parents with this issue: Newbie Host Mom and Host Mom of Lazy AP...

From Newbie Host Mom:

I’ve been a reader of AuPairMom for a while and I am a first time host mom to a 21 yr old. She’s been here almost 5 months now and for the most part it’s going well, at least in terms of everyone getting along.

My question, I guess, is how to deal with her increasing laziness. When she first arrived she was very into the job, gung-ho, and would do things that she has let slide now. For example, the kids beds and their rooms. She used to make them nice and neat and make sure the rooms were tidied up. Or be up promptly at 7AM to help me get them ready for school.

Now, I see the bedsheets thrown sloppily together (i.e. today she didn’t notice there were no sheets on my younger son’s bed due to a mid-night accident, and did not replace the sheets, but merely put the spread back over a mattress pad).

She gets up at 7:15-7:20ish, goes gets lunches ready and doesn’t bother to come upstairs to help me get them ready any more. Many times I’ll find her dishes all around the house (cups, plates, etc.) from her meals not put away in the dishwasher. She minimally cleans up after them after they eat (i.e. crumbs and food everywhere), and doesn’t put a real effort into my son’s lunchbox like she used to. I have to remind her a lot to do things or put things away, or the like. It’s tiring.

Often I will find her watching a lot of TV, surfing the web, Netflix or shows streaming from her laptop. My children state that sometimes when they are downstairs playing, she’ll accompany them down there, and be with them, but spend the time on her laptop and not be interacting with them. A few months ago, I did confront her because she was letting them go down there and then spending the time upstairs on her computer. I asked her to not use the computer during working time, and so, according to my 6 year old, she now takes her laptop with her down there. The router is out in the open, and I’m not sure how to lock it down during the day.

She does a lot of playdates with other German au pairs, and their children. Particularly with my younger son during the time before she picks up the older son. From what I gather, the kids play while the two au pairs chat (one time they were playing in the yard while the au pairs watched from the deck). I’ve watched her when she is at the playground with my children (from afar) and she sits down at a bench while my children run around and play. I am disappointed that she doesn’t interact as much with my children.

I guess I’ve seen a slide in effort and more and more laziness and lack of caring in taking care of stuff. I’m not sure how to approach it. I’ve asked her to do certain things, and she does fix those certain things LITERALLY. She doesn’t make the jump connection to related issues.

I really don’t want to rematch with her, but I would like some times to try to get the spark back / reduce the laziness. Perhaps she feels things can slide…or perhaps I need to speak up more. I do say things when I know she’s supposed to do things and doesn’t or correct things, but perhaps I should be doing more. She has mentioned that she loves it here and how great it is, and how she’s thinking of extending, but more and more, I’m thinking of not extending with her.

From Host Mom of Lazy AP:

Our au pair just gets lazier and lazier.

She no longer cleans up the playroom or puts the kids laundry away. I think she thinks that clothes and toys put themselves on shelves and in drawers?

She has complained that she doesn’t like how I talk with her when I bring up her tasks, but honestly I’m pretty annoyed. She also tells me she thinks that the children should be responsible for cleaning their rooms and putting their laundry away. This is fine, but someone has to take responsibility for letting it done. That should be her and not me.

There are many other things she’s not doing, including not washing her dishes, cooking only the most simple meals for the kids, and letting them watch too much tv. What should I do to get her to care? Is there anything that works?

See also:

Almost-done Au Pair Refuses to Work Weekends!

R.T.F.M.: Making Sure Your Au Pair Reads the Family Manual

Is there an age past which an Au Pair candidate is just “too old” for you to consider?

We got a note from OlderAP asking:

Would Host Families consider accepting an older au pair?

I am 26 years old. I graduated from university with MSc, extremely good grades, and have childcare experience with children aged 3 days to 6 years. I have lived on my own for five years and spent extended periods abroad in Europe, as well as Africa and the Middle East.

I’m probably a bit more independent and confident in new cultures than an 18 or 19 year old.

But I wonder if host families would think that I am too independent? Would they see my age as an advantage or feel that the relatively small age difference between the HF and AP could impinge on the “spirit” of the program. Maybe think that there is something wrong with the AP that, instead of finding a “good” entry level job she would choose being an AP?

While I have a good education, the job prospects in my country are not very good right now. And, I still want the chance to strengthen my English and broaden my life experience before I start a “career”.

I’d love to know what host families think about an older au pair.

Dear Au Pair Mom -

We have just extended with a great au pair. It was hard for us to find someone from my own home country so that my 2 children could be exposed to the the language and culture. We were lucky enough to have found someone who is responsible and caring. She gets along very well with my family and I would be happy to have her stay longer if only she could.

Since we had to work through friends and neighbors in my home country to find her to pre-match, we know that finding another au pair from this country could be difficult.

Our au pair suggested that we pre-match with her younger sister. I had never considered this idea before, and I really don’t know how I feel about this option.

• One concern is whether the au pair agency or government agencies would cast suspicion on a pre-match with my au pair’s sister. Would this make it more likely for her visa to be denied? That would cause chaos for me and my job if I do not have someone there to take over when my au pair goes back.

• Another concern is that I have no guarantee that her younger sister will be as caring and responsible as she is. My doubts are purely based on 1 or 2 stories she previously shared about her family and not from personal experience.

• Frankly, I am also concerned that if I try to do a pre-match with her sister and it doesn’t work out, it would be more difficult to get out of it then if I had just matched with someone else.

I don’t want to make any promises to my au pair or her sister at this point.

Other Au Pair Moms/Dads — what do you think? What would you do in my situation?

Thanks in advance for your insights. –HostMominNYC

Image: Some rights reserved by Eleven Petals Photography

Can you remember back to when you were a first time host parent, still trying to figure out how you could make this au pair thing work for you?

We have a family friend, MD, who’s wading into this for the first time, and she asked me to ask you:

If you were a First Time Host Mom, would you prefer an Extending Au Pair, or one from the regular applicant pool?

My friend HM Cindy thinks it’s a bad idea to match with an extension au pair when you’re a first time host mom.

HMCindy believes that most extension au pairs are set in their ways, already molded by their first host family and usually unable to be flexible and to adapt to a very different host family. And, she also worries that an extension au pair already knows how to make the situation work for her or him, and thus might have more influence in the host family-au pair relationship than s/he should.

But I disagree.

I think that choosing an extension au pair — when you can talk with his or her previous host family — might make many parts of the au pair-host family relationship easier to establish. Extension au pairs already know the country, have learned enough English, have gotten driving experience (if that’s been part of their first situation), and know what they’re in for as part of the family that also does important paid work.

What do you think?

If you were advising MD,would you suggest that she look at extending au pairs first?

Image: Pretty Girl in Cherry Blossoms, ??? Some rights reserved by Stuck in Customs

When is the best time to discuss with a prospective au pair candidate that a host child has special needs?

When your child has special needs, you need to be sure in advance that your au pair is up for the challenge.

Many au pair candidates will indicate on their applications that they are open to caring for a child with special needs, and there are also many au pairs who would be great at it but haven’t indicated their interest. The pool of possible candidates may be quite large. But — and this is a big ‘but’ – Dept of State law requires that an au pair have previous skills and experience relevant to caring for a child with special needs. 

So, to maximize your chances of finding a great au pair, when do you actually start talking with prospective au pairs about your child’s specific needs?

Do you consider only au pairs who are ‘special needs willing’? (I suspect that some agencies, knowing your situation, would require this.)

Do you go straight to an agency that specializes in au pair candidates with special needs skills?

Or, do you wait until you have identified a candidate you like and who’s interested in your general situation, and then lay out the full details?

Let us know what you think, and share some advice with HM in Napa.

Dear AuPairMom -

We’re halfway through our first year as a HF with an amazing, wonderful AP. Part of our motivation to hire an AP was that our son was language delayed. We wanted to find a caregiver that would become part of a supportive extended family for our son, and the nannies we’d used and interviewed just didn’t seem willing to participate that way.

During the match process with our first au pair, we found out that our son (now 3) was diagnosed with PDD-NOS, which has been changed to Autism Spectrum Disorder during our AP’s stay. When we first learned that the delay were more serious than we thought, we wrote our AP (3 months before her arrival) and told her about the changes and what that might mean for her schedule (therapists working with our son, etc.) and offered to release her from the contract. She thanked us for the information and said she still wanted to work with us.

She has turned out to be an amazing and mature young woman and we are sad that she’s chosen not to extend but support her decision to go home for school.

The dilemma is this – now that we have a diagnosis of Autism, how do we approach hiring the next au pair?

Our son has blown away everyone who has worked with him – he’s caught up with his typically developing peers to the point that some of the therapists are telling us to get him out of his mixed typical and special needs preschool (and into the private preschool we’d originally chosen) as fast as we can. Skills that they expected to take 3-4 months to teach have taken 3-4 weeks or less. So, we feel excited that he is learning and growing.

At the same time, he needs firm boundaries and clear communication just like any three year old. He also needs to be prepared thoughtfully for transitions between activities (also like most three year olds).

On top of these needs for our son, our family schedule is unusual. Host Dad is a firefighter/medic, so he’s home and a lot more involved than most of the other Host Families we’ve talked to. HD and I monitor the specialists that work with our son, as does the au pair when she is on duty. Our AP’s schedule varies from week to week.

Our APs suggestion is to not tell anyone about the special needs until we find someone we want to match with and then talk to them about it directly. I feel like now that we have a formal diagnosis, we need to be straight with the agency. However, I’m concerned about being restricted to a smaller pool of au pairs.

• For host parents and au pairs of children with special needs, what has your experience been?
• What do you recommend for finding the right kind(s) of au pairs for our family?

Thanks in advance for your help. HM in Napa

See also:

Regulations & Additional Training for Au Pairs of Children with Special Needs

Au Pair Asks: What happens when you discover that you can’t provide what your Host Kid with Special Needs needs?

Finding an Au Pair for a child with Special Needs: Willingness is not enough

Matching with an Au Pair: How much info to share about an Atypical Host Parent Situation

Note: ProAuPair has a specialized program to identify au pairs with significant skills and training for working with children with special needs. (not an affiliate link, not a “referral”)

Delicious baby photo Some rights reserved by PhotoCo. on Flickr

Must we use an Au Pair Agency to engage an Au Pair?

Yes.

Sure, you can go it alone, but then you would not be operating within US Law.

We emphatically recommend that you use an approved agency to find and retain your au pair. Following the laws and regulations protects both your family and your au pair.

There are 14 different approved agencies in the USA, and they range in both cost and in level of support (e.g., training, local counselors, etc.) If you are concerned about costs, you can do some comparison shopping and even contact agencies to try to negotiate some kind of signing bonus.

Pre-Matching with Someone You Already Know

If you already know a young person outside the US who you’d like as your au pair, you can “pre-match” with this person, and then engage an agency to manage the paperwork, travel, training and support.

Using a Website to Refer to an Agency

Also, you can find an au pair on one of many websites (e.g., Great Au Pair — not an endorsement, just an example) and then work through them to have both parties referred to an agency that operates within the home country of your desired au pair.

Bottom Line:

Trying to create and sustain an au pair relationship without using an approved agency is against the law. It’s also a bad idea.

For more on this issue, see these posts, below. Be SURE to read people’s comments for important details and insights.:

Going “Off the Board” to find an Au Pair

What the best way to Pre-Match with an Au Pair, before connecting to an Agency?

Reading the Fine Print: How do Au Pair Agency contracts differ?
Choosing an Au Pair Agency: Two questions that might make a difference
If you were an Au Pair: Agency or Website?
An Open Letter to Au Pairs without an Agency, Outside the USA

State Department Site re Au Pairs
“Designated Sponsor Organizations” aka Approved Au Pair Agencies

Owl Image from ThePinkTonka Shop on Etsy, filled with interesting owl-y things.

Sometimes, you just don’t need an au pair for a whole year. You may need just 8 months, until your child has a full school day, or until you drop down to part-time work. You may just need an au pair to cover a gap between a departing au pair and some other childcare arrangement.  You might even want to test our the concept of an au pair,without commuting to a full 12 months.

What’s the best way to find a short-term au pair?

• What do you do if you really want to find an au pair that is sponsored & vetted by an agency?
• How about if you use a web site?
• And, is it a good idea to sift through au pair chat forums to find someone looking to extend? Is that even possible?

Inquiring moms want to know.

Dear AuPairMom-

I’d love some advice on hosting an au pair for a shorter time than the standard 12 month period.

I first heard about the Au Pair program a couple years ago from two different neighbors. They had wonderful things to say about it. I did research it to see if this was something that would work for my family, but at the time we were happy with our childcare provider, who could cover all our childcare needs.

Now, though, our child care needs are changing, and I am once again looking at the Au Pair program as a possibility. Our current nanny is leaving in January. And, in April or May, my own company will be opening up a childcare center in my building, so I’m planning to enroll my toddlers there. This means we only need to cover the time between January and May.

Is it possible to host an au pair for a temporary amount of time? Would an agency allow me to host someone who is already in the country for the remaining few months of their visa? Should I look at Au Pairs who want to extend only 6 months? Has anyone else tried this situation?

Thanks,   Wonder Woman Want-a-be

Image: Versailles Short Term Parking from EURIST e.V.

Dear AuPairMom-

The posting from the host mom offering the fancy host family situation make me think of the choices that I made when I was matching with my host family. I talked to many different families. All of them had some different things to offer, cars yes or no, no Saturday nights, babies and bigger children, and different kinds of town situations.

I did feel that some families tried to impress me and other au pairs by offering very many things.

Myself, I don’t come from a rich family, and yes all the benefits that host families offer are appreciated, really.

I don’t want to seem rude or have a lack in respect. There was this sense that maybe the families were not as nice as they told me they were, and that they were maybe trying to cover up for that by offering nice situations. It seemed like some families were talking a lot about the kind of car, how nice was the room, my own bathroom, but underneath they did not seem confident or warm in their hearts.

I know that we can’t really tell this from emails and skype, even with many interviews, but still we have to respect that inside sense we have of what is right for us.

I did talk to a few familys who really did seem like they had a kind of attitude where they could bribe or “buy” me. But I would not want someone who thinks can “buy me”. If a host mother talks a lot about “We are offering you this that and that how can you say no?” and also does not talk about how much se loves her kids and what kind of persons she wants to take care of them, this made me feel like I was being bought.

There are probably many au pairs who would like a very wealthy family, and that is fine. They have to find the right family for them. As for me I want a family generous with their love and their respect and their understandings. I knew that there were families like this to be found from looking at websites and from reading this blog. So I kept looking until I found a family that seemed generous in these ways.

Now that I have been an au pair for almost a year, I feel good that I made a good choice. My host family has many nice things that they share with me (and some nice things that the parents keep apart, ha ha like the fancy chocolate). But they are fair and honest and they love their kids with all their hearts. Even when we have had disagreements and not been happy with each other, we have been able to work things out.

So this is just to say — too many things can get in the way of what is really important for finding the right au pair for you.

MadeAGoodChoice AP

Image: Al-Fatihah Some rights reserved by ?usn?@w|©kedf|lm

A while ago I got a request for advice — a host mom was mystified that her desired au pair candidates seemed uninterested in the opportunity she had to offer.

After all, what au pair wouldn’t want a situation that required only 20 hours per week, paid vacations with the family, her own apartment underneath theirs, on Lake Shore Drive, with a Mercedes SUV for her own use? Oh yes, and tuition reimbursed at a major Chicago University?

Dear readers, I thought the email was a hoax. So I replied with an email of my own:

Are you fur reelz?

Indeed, she claimed. Very real.

After several rounds of emails, I concluded that her situation is pretty real.  And even if it’s exaggerated, the central question remains:

When we offer a great situation, why don’t we easily find great au pairs?

You all will have a lot to say.

Here’s her dilemma, put together with details from a few rounds of correspondence between us:

We are a first-time host family from Chicago, IL. We are a family of 5 (me, hub, 3 kids aged 6 – 15). We have been looking for our AP for almost one year, because we wanted “the perfect candidate” for us. We were not looking for someone PERFECT, but someone who was perfect for us.

We found an amazing girl on Site Y about 2 months ago. She was exactly from the country we wanted, from a country/2nd language we wanted, 21 years old, 13years education, proficiency English, wonderful human being. She provided us references, which we contacted, who wouldn’t stop saying how amazing and smart and skilled she is. Straight-As at school but also street smart, generous, fun, down to earth, very talented.

We talked a lot by email first, and then on skype more than once. She was already wonderful, even on skype. She was very honest and upfront about everything we talked about, even things that could have made her “lose points”, and so were we with her. We fell in love with this Au Pair and so did our kids.

We knew she was in contact with other families and that she was close to a match with more than one family and that she was close to a decision, but honestly, as arrogant as it might sound, we thought that no family could “beat us out”. (I know, I’m not supposed to say that but… that’s how we felt.)

She made a short video for me and my family in which she told us that she finally made a decision and she chose another family. It was a cold shower for us, even if during the matching process she kept telling us that she was hearing from other families and that she had to decide (we already asked her for a match and so did the other families I guess). I have to say it was very nice of her to make a video to tell us that, because an email would have been easier, required less “emotional energy” and so on. But still, she chose another family and I know we won’t find another AP like her (we have been looking for months!!)

I know I can’t do anything to make her change her idea, even if I will – and yeah, I know I’m not supposed to do that – but I feel she is “the one”! But in all of this I really don’t understand how come she chose someone else!
This AP wanted to go to Chicago very badly … but then she took the advice to choose the family over the place…

Before she declined, we had already stated some nice benefits in the AP handbook we sent her. I don’t want to raise jealousy but like I said, we are very prosperous so we wanted this girl to have some nice perks. These included:

• We offered her a 500$/week stipend, which means 2.000$/month

• 20h/week schedule, and she could take classes every day 9.30 am – 4 pm

• We told her we could pay for her tuition at X University where she had already been accepted. (She’d been issued a scholarship opportunity from X University last year, (she was in Chicago to study english and has an amazing talent for writing. Her teacher knew someone at University X so he had her go there and present an application and they offered her a scholarship to study there). The scholarship would cover about 8,000 $ and she would have to pay like 6,000 $ more (because she would be a sort of a part time student). She said she would cover the cost for her university but I know she doesn’t come from a wealthy family and those 6K would “cost” more for her than they would cost for us if that makes any sense.)

• We were going to buy her a brand new Mércedes ML (Suv) to drive our kids and told her she would have unlimited car usage and that we would pay for gas for her personal use as well. (B/c it’s among those cars that have ONSTAR system. Safety is among our primary concerns so the aupair car MUST have that system on it. (It’s a General Motor service and not so many cars have it. If we were going to buy a Chevrolet Escalades (which has it) or something similar, the price would not be that different, so we had our 15 years old girl choosing the car that she liked because hopefully in about 2 years or so, she will drive and we won’t need an aupair or full time nanny anymore, and the AP car could be my daughter’s).

• We have an almost new condo right under ours (but on one floor), that would have been her apartment

• We go on vacation once or twice per months (depending on our children schedules), usually to very fancy (and expensive) places and told her she was welcome to come with us (we wanted her to!)

• We live in the city she is in love with.. which I know was priceless for her.

To be clear, when we first contacted her, we didn’t offer all this information up front, and we did not post it on Site Y. I didn’t want an AP to choose us just because of our whealty lifestyle. I just wanted to make sure that an AP would choose us because of our family and not because of our money.

I can’t imagine that the other family could make as good of an offer, e.g., teenagers (who don’t require much work), brand new suv, high stipend, over-the-average perks, and a warming loving family who was looking forward to have her.

She never promised us “anything” but we were maybe too confident in hoping that she would be OUR ap? As a first time host mom, with this big disappointment, I’m wondering -

- where did I do wrong?

- what can we do to get the kind of au pair we want?

I don’t want to sound “stand-offish” with all I said. But yes, we can afford to give the AP some nice benefits and we would be happy to do that FOR THE RIGHT PERSON who deserves that. And the right person was this girl.

Please PLEASE please, let me know if you have any advice on how to convince her to say yes to us and tell us what did we do wrong.  She is so amazing I know we are not going to find another her.

LakeShoreMom

It’s kind of ironic for me to post a query about the topic of how to interpret the lag time between sending an email and an au pair candidate responding.

As several of you with whom I correspond with on email already know– I can be “not very prompt” in my replies. What does this mean?

Usually, it doesn’t mean much. The “information value” of response time is low, because there are just too many variables.

Too much work, replied in your head, scattered attention, waiting for inspiration — all these are better explanations than “What’s wrong with me that s/he won’t reply? Doesn’t s/he like me?”

EXCEPT when it’s a prospective au pair who hasn’t replied.

Don’t you think that if s/he was really that into you she’d reply to your host family email right away? I think so.

This HotMailHostMom, below, is right to worry that she hasn’t heard back. BUT she can’t assume anything — at least not yet. So, what should she do?

How long should you wait for a reply before trying with another serious email?

How many times should you email, before giving up?

Dear AuPairMoms –
I am a HM in the middle of the search for an au pair to replace our
current au pair who is leaving in December. I have spent hours on your
wonderful blog getting lots of advice and tips on how to match with an
au pair who works for us. We love our current au pair but she was the
first application we ever looked at and we knew she was perfect
immediately, so we have never actually gone through much of a search
process.

My question is this – is it unreasonable to expect a quickish response
from au pairs when we email them about a possible match after
initially looking at their application? We have two in particular that
seem great on paper and we are very excited to talk to. We have
emailed with them twice and suggested times to skype, but both of them
seem to be slow to respond to us – over 24 hours between when we email
them and they respond both times so far, and we are still waiting on
both for a time to skype. I realize not everyone is as “connected” as
we are – both my partner and I have iphones, so we can obsessively
check our email – but is it unreasonable to expect a response within a
24 hour period? It seems to me if they know there is a matching
process going on they should be checking email a little more often
than every day and a half or so.

My real issue is that I wonder if we are working harder at this and
are more excited about a match than they are, and if that is the case
it doesn’t seem like it bodes well for our relationship going forward.

So, if your wise readers tell us we are being silly to expect a
quicker response we will chill out and go work our handbook. But if
anyone thinks we should cut them both loose and start over we would
like to hear that too!

Thanks so much!

HotMailHostMom,