Must we use an Au Pair Agency to engage an Au Pair?

Yes.

Sure, you can go it alone, but then you would not be operating within US Law.

We emphatically recommend that you use an approved agency to find and retain your au pair. Following the laws and regulations protects both your family and your au pair.

There are 14 different approved agencies in the USA, and they range in both cost and in level of support (e.g., training, local counselors, etc.) If you are concerned about costs, you can do some comparison shopping and even contact agencies to try to negotiate some kind of signing bonus.

Pre-Matching with Someone You Already Know

If you already know a young person outside the US who you’d like as your au pair, you can “pre-match” with this person, and then engage an agency to manage the paperwork, travel, training and support.

Using a Website to Refer to an Agency

Also, you can find an au pair on one of many websites (e.g., Great Au Pair — not an endorsement, just an example) and then work through them to have both parties referred to an agency that operates within the home country of your desired au pair.

Bottom Line:

Trying to create and sustain an au pair relationship without using an approved agency is against the law. It’s also a bad idea.

For more on this issue, see these posts, below. Be SURE to read people’s comments for important details and insights.:

Going “Off the Board” to find an Au Pair

What the best way to Pre-Match with an Au Pair, before connecting to an Agency?

Reading the Fine Print: How do Au Pair Agency contracts differ?
Choosing an Au Pair Agency: Two questions that might make a difference
If you were an Au Pair: Agency or Website?
An Open Letter to Au Pairs without an Agency, Outside the USA

State Department Site re Au Pairs
“Designated Sponsor Organizations” aka Approved Au Pair Agencies

Owl Image from ThePinkTonka Shop on Etsy, filled with interesting owl-y things.

Sometimes, you just don’t need an au pair for a whole year. You may need just 8 months, until your child has a full school day, or until you drop down to part-time work. You may just need an au pair to cover a gap between a departing au pair and some other childcare arrangement.  You might even want to test our the concept of an au pair,without commuting to a full 12 months.

What’s the best way to find a short-term au pair?

• What do you do if you really want to find an au pair that is sponsored & vetted by an agency?
• How about if you use a web site?
• And, is it a good idea to sift through au pair chat forums to find someone looking to extend? Is that even possible?

Inquiring moms want to know.

Dear AuPairMom-

I’d love some advice on hosting an au pair for a shorter time than the standard 12 month period.

I first heard about the Au Pair program a couple years ago from two different neighbors. They had wonderful things to say about it. I did research it to see if this was something that would work for my family, but at the time we were happy with our childcare provider, who could cover all our childcare needs.

Now, though, our child care needs are changing, and I am once again looking at the Au Pair program as a possibility. Our current nanny is leaving in January. And, in April or May, my own company will be opening up a childcare center in my building, so I’m planning to enroll my toddlers there. This means we only need to cover the time between January and May.

Is it possible to host an au pair for a temporary amount of time? Would an agency allow me to host someone who is already in the country for the remaining few months of their visa? Should I look at Au Pairs who want to extend only 6 months? Has anyone else tried this situation?

Thanks,   Wonder Woman Want-a-be

Image: Versailles Short Term Parking from EURIST e.V.

Dear AuPairMom-

The posting from the host mom offering the fancy host family situation make me think of the choices that I made when I was matching with my host family. I talked to many different families. All of them had some different things to offer, cars yes or no, no Saturday nights, babies and bigger children, and different kinds of town situations.

I did feel that some families tried to impress me and other au pairs by offering very many things.

Myself, I don’t come from a rich family, and yes all the benefits that host families offer are appreciated, really.

I don’t want to seem rude or have a lack in respect. There was this sense that maybe the families were not as nice as they told me they were, and that they were maybe trying to cover up for that by offering nice situations. It seemed like some families were talking a lot about the kind of car, how nice was the room, my own bathroom, but underneath they did not seem confident or warm in their hearts.

I know that we can’t really tell this from emails and skype, even with many interviews, but still we have to respect that inside sense we have of what is right for us.

I did talk to a few familys who really did seem like they had a kind of attitude where they could bribe or “buy” me. But I would not want someone who thinks can “buy me”. If a host mother talks a lot about “We are offering you this that and that how can you say no?” and also does not talk about how much se loves her kids and what kind of persons she wants to take care of them, this made me feel like I was being bought.

There are probably many au pairs who would like a very wealthy family, and that is fine. They have to find the right family for them. As for me I want a family generous with their love and their respect and their understandings. I knew that there were families like this to be found from looking at websites and from reading this blog. So I kept looking until I found a family that seemed generous in these ways.

Now that I have been an au pair for almost a year, I feel good that I made a good choice. My host family has many nice things that they share with me (and some nice things that the parents keep apart, ha ha like the fancy chocolate). But they are fair and honest and they love their kids with all their hearts. Even when we have had disagreements and not been happy with each other, we have been able to work things out.

So this is just to say — too many things can get in the way of what is really important for finding the right au pair for you.

MadeAGoodChoice AP

Image: Al-Fatihah Some rights reserved by ?usn?@w|©kedf|lm

A while ago I got a request for advice — a host mom was mystified that her desired au pair candidates seemed uninterested in the opportunity she had to offer.

After all, what au pair wouldn’t want a situation that required only 20 hours per week, paid vacations with the family, her own apartment underneath theirs, on Lake Shore Drive, with a Mercedes SUV for her own use? Oh yes, and tuition reimbursed at a major Chicago University?

Dear readers, I thought the email was a hoax. So I replied with an email of my own:

Are you fur reelz?

Indeed, she claimed. Very real.

After several rounds of emails, I concluded that her situation is pretty real.  And even if it’s exaggerated, the central question remains:

When we offer a great situation, why don’t we easily find great au pairs?

You all will have a lot to say.

Here’s her dilemma, put together with details from a few rounds of correspondence between us:

We are a first-time host family from Chicago, IL. We are a family of 5 (me, hub, 3 kids aged 6 – 15). We have been looking for our AP for almost one year, because we wanted “the perfect candidate” for us. We were not looking for someone PERFECT, but someone who was perfect for us.

We found an amazing girl on Site Y about 2 months ago. She was exactly from the country we wanted, from a country/2nd language we wanted, 21 years old, 13years education, proficiency English, wonderful human being. She provided us references, which we contacted, who wouldn’t stop saying how amazing and smart and skilled she is. Straight-As at school but also street smart, generous, fun, down to earth, very talented.

We talked a lot by email first, and then on skype more than once. She was already wonderful, even on skype. She was very honest and upfront about everything we talked about, even things that could have made her “lose points”, and so were we with her. We fell in love with this Au Pair and so did our kids.

We knew she was in contact with other families and that she was close to a match with more than one family and that she was close to a decision, but honestly, as arrogant as it might sound, we thought that no family could “beat us out”. (I know, I’m not supposed to say that but… that’s how we felt.)

She made a short video for me and my family in which she told us that she finally made a decision and she chose another family. It was a cold shower for us, even if during the matching process she kept telling us that she was hearing from other families and that she had to decide (we already asked her for a match and so did the other families I guess). I have to say it was very nice of her to make a video to tell us that, because an email would have been easier, required less “emotional energy” and so on. But still, she chose another family and I know we won’t find another AP like her (we have been looking for months!!)

I know I can’t do anything to make her change her idea, even if I will – and yeah, I know I’m not supposed to do that – but I feel she is “the one”! But in all of this I really don’t understand how come she chose someone else!
This AP wanted to go to Chicago very badly … but then she took the advice to choose the family over the place…

Before she declined, we had already stated some nice benefits in the AP handbook we sent her. I don’t want to raise jealousy but like I said, we are very prosperous so we wanted this girl to have some nice perks. These included:

• We offered her a 500$/week stipend, which means 2.000$/month

• 20h/week schedule, and she could take classes every day 9.30 am – 4 pm

• We told her we could pay for her tuition at X University where she had already been accepted. (She’d been issued a scholarship opportunity from X University last year, (she was in Chicago to study english and has an amazing talent for writing. Her teacher knew someone at University X so he had her go there and present an application and they offered her a scholarship to study there). The scholarship would cover about 8,000 $ and she would have to pay like 6,000 $ more (because she would be a sort of a part time student). She said she would cover the cost for her university but I know she doesn’t come from a wealthy family and those 6K would “cost” more for her than they would cost for us if that makes any sense.)

• We were going to buy her a brand new Mércedes ML (Suv) to drive our kids and told her she would have unlimited car usage and that we would pay for gas for her personal use as well. (B/c it’s among those cars that have ONSTAR system. Safety is among our primary concerns so the aupair car MUST have that system on it. (It’s a General Motor service and not so many cars have it. If we were going to buy a Chevrolet Escalades (which has it) or something similar, the price would not be that different, so we had our 15 years old girl choosing the car that she liked because hopefully in about 2 years or so, she will drive and we won’t need an aupair or full time nanny anymore, and the AP car could be my daughter’s).

• We have an almost new condo right under ours (but on one floor), that would have been her apartment

• We go on vacation once or twice per months (depending on our children schedules), usually to very fancy (and expensive) places and told her she was welcome to come with us (we wanted her to!)

• We live in the city she is in love with.. which I know was priceless for her.

To be clear, when we first contacted her, we didn’t offer all this information up front, and we did not post it on Site Y. I didn’t want an AP to choose us just because of our whealty lifestyle. I just wanted to make sure that an AP would choose us because of our family and not because of our money.

I can’t imagine that the other family could make as good of an offer, e.g., teenagers (who don’t require much work), brand new suv, high stipend, over-the-average perks, and a warming loving family who was looking forward to have her.

She never promised us “anything” but we were maybe too confident in hoping that she would be OUR ap? As a first time host mom, with this big disappointment, I’m wondering -

- where did I do wrong?

- what can we do to get the kind of au pair we want?

I don’t want to sound “stand-offish” with all I said. But yes, we can afford to give the AP some nice benefits and we would be happy to do that FOR THE RIGHT PERSON who deserves that. And the right person was this girl.

Please PLEASE please, let me know if you have any advice on how to convince her to say yes to us and tell us what did we do wrong.  She is so amazing I know we are not going to find another her.

LakeShoreMom

It’s kind of ironic for me to post a query about the topic of how to interpret the lag time between sending an email and an au pair candidate responding.

As several of you with whom I correspond with on email already know– I can be “not very prompt” in my replies. What does this mean?

Usually, it doesn’t mean much. The “information value” of response time is low, because there are just too many variables.

Too much work, replied in your head, scattered attention, waiting for inspiration — all these are better explanations than “What’s wrong with me that s/he won’t reply? Doesn’t s/he like me?”

EXCEPT when it’s a prospective au pair who hasn’t replied.

Don’t you think that if s/he was really that into you she’d reply to your host family email right away? I think so.

This HotMailHostMom, below, is right to worry that she hasn’t heard back. BUT she can’t assume anything — at least not yet. So, what should she do?

How long should you wait for a reply before trying with another serious email?

How many times should you email, before giving up?

Dear AuPairMoms –
I am a HM in the middle of the search for an au pair to replace our
current au pair who is leaving in December. I have spent hours on your
wonderful blog getting lots of advice and tips on how to match with an
au pair who works for us. We love our current au pair but she was the
first application we ever looked at and we knew she was perfect
immediately, so we have never actually gone through much of a search
process.

My question is this – is it unreasonable to expect a quickish response
from au pairs when we email them about a possible match after
initially looking at their application? We have two in particular that
seem great on paper and we are very excited to talk to. We have
emailed with them twice and suggested times to skype, but both of them
seem to be slow to respond to us – over 24 hours between when we email
them and they respond both times so far, and we are still waiting on
both for a time to skype. I realize not everyone is as “connected” as
we are – both my partner and I have iphones, so we can obsessively
check our email – but is it unreasonable to expect a response within a
24 hour period? It seems to me if they know there is a matching
process going on they should be checking email a little more often
than every day and a half or so.

My real issue is that I wonder if we are working harder at this and
are more excited about a match than they are, and if that is the case
it doesn’t seem like it bodes well for our relationship going forward.

So, if your wise readers tell us we are being silly to expect a
quicker response we will chill out and go work our handbook. But if
anyone thinks we should cut them both loose and start over we would
like to hear that too!

Thanks so much!

HotMailHostMom,

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could meet a really terrific young person from anther country, discover that you had complementary world views, and THEN go through an official agency to engage him or her as an au pair?

From time to time, we get questions from either parents or potential au pairs about how to go about with “pre-matching”, and I’d love to hear what any of you all have learned about that process.

Please note – let’s talk about pre-matching and then using an Agency to keep things legal and to provide support.

(Save “Can we sneak in an au pair without a program?” for another conversation.)

What’s the best way to pre-match with a family and then find an agency?

Dear Au Pair Mom,

I’m Tiara, a young woman based in Australia who just spent a wonderful creative summer in San Francisco. I’ve been looking at coming back and au pairing seems like an option – I’ve done childcare before as well as lived with host families of all sorts so I think I can adjust well.

I was wondering if it was possible for au pairs to prearrange host family placements.

In my SF stay I spent quite a bit of time with members of alternative families – queer, sex-positive, kinky, poly, and so on. Many of them are recent parents and would appreciate help that was friendly towards their alternative family arrangements. However, because they are not very mainstream they may not be open to registering for an au pair service. Indeed, while looking through au pair sponsor orgs, I’ve noticed that many veer towards the conventional and traditional, and wasn’t sure who would be open to non-conventional families.

I thought that I could get in touch with the families I met in San Francisco, ask if they would be happy with me as an au pair, and then have the sponsor company help organise the paperwork between us. Is that possible?

I understand that many companies do family screenings; would the alternative bent be a huge rejection factor? Alternatively, are there agencies you could suggest that are more alternative-lifestyle-friendly and could place me in an appropriate setting?

Thanks for your advice!

Oh, the complexities of Facebook. And the generation gap. And the generation gap regarding Facebook.

If it’s “true” that “young people” use Facebook differently from us (slightly older) parent people:

• How much should we infer from an au pair applicant’s Facebook page?

• Now that many of us ask to ‘friend’ our au pairs and prospective au pairs to get a sense of who they are, how do we take this information into account?

This question is bothering HostMom Kate, because Facebook has suggested that her incoming au pair may not be the ‘non-smoking, non-drinking’ kind of gal Kate was looking for:

Dear AuPair Moms –

We currently are rematching after 4 months with our second au pair. We found someone from a very far-off land, which really intrigues us. Her English is impeccable. She is 19 and claims to really love children (I know, taking that with a grain of salt). She said she doesn’t smoke. Smoking is a big issue because our current au pair smokes–I missed it in her application. She said she does go out drinking at home (lower drinking age there) but she is fine with not drinking during her year here. I Skyped with her for 40 minutes the other day and felt like we really clicked in a way I never have in an au pair interview before. My husband and I Skyped with her again and decided to match with her.

I asked her (for the second time) to please give me her Facebook info; she had ignored my first email request for the info. She didn’t do it right away and a yesterday, I asked her to please give me the info by this morning. She finally friended me today.

In a couple of her Facebook pictures, many of which are of her and her friends partying, she is holding a cigarette. In one of the pictures, she and a friend are holding up a bottle of Jagermeister with their tongues. There is one album called GIRLS GONE WILD!, last updated 8 months ago but with zero pictures in it. I’m guessing that’s the album she deleted before friending me.

She seems like a really sweet girl. Do I give her the benefit of the doubt or should I cancel the match now? From the experience of the wise moms on this blog, are these issues a clear recipe for disaster or is this a situation that can work out? It’s so hard to find an au pair with great qualifications. I don’t want to toss her out if it isn’t truly necessary.

To fill you in on the background, our current au pair is leaving because she feels I don’t trust her (I caught her smoking on the deck with my 1-year-old baby, she left the oven door open and the baby was an inch from getting horribly burned, she had a minor car accident with my 5-year-old in the car, and she smoked in our au pair car and lied to my face about it. No, I don’t trust her). Other than the trust issues, she has been a hard-working, diligent au pair. Now, though, both trust and smoking are prominent issues for me.

Looking forward to your ideas, HostMom Kate

HostMom Kate,

I can appreciate that you want to reconcile the conflicting information, one way or another, before you go through with the match. I think this might be a good opportunity for you to actually test your rapport with this candidate, by Skyping again and bringing up the issue of the smoking in a gentle conversation.

Given that her English is terrific, language won’t be a huge barrier. Even though comfort with technology might influence the dynamic, this would be a good way to see whether you and this au pair candidate will be able to work out difficult issues — before she comes to the states and before you make a big investment in each other. Regardless of her answers, the experience of ‘the talk’ should help you feel comfortable with your decision, either way.

[Readers, I notice that when I offer a response to a question right at the start, we get fewer comments. But, I think my suggestion is a good one So, you can either skip my response and jump right in, or add your thoughts to the mixx. cv]

Readers –

Should HostMom Kate give her the benefit of the doubt or should she cancel the match now?

Are these issues a clear recipe for disaster or is this a situation that can work out?

Kids and parents want different things. Kids want to stay up, parents want to go to sleep. Kids want to make a mess, parents want that mess cleaned up (eventually). Kids get engaged in fun and learning, while parents must take care of safety, nutrition, and other not-quite-as-fun stuff. We have different sets of priorities.

Kids and parents want different things in an Au Pair.

When we parents choose an au pair, we’re usually looking for an au pair whose talents, skills, and interests will work with our kids’ needs. We also look for an au pair whose personal style will fit with our adult preferences.

Although the au pair is “for” the kids, most of the difficulty in an au pair-host parent relationship comes from host parent-au pair misfit. So it makes sense that we parents would use our own criteria when we look for au pairs, and when we work to shape the au pair’s interactions with us and our kids.

As one host mom writes,

I’m feeling some tension between what my kids want in an au pair, and what I want in an au pair.

Our new AP has a lively, fun, and positive personality. My kids really seem to like her.

While, I’m glad that my kids are happy with her, I’m beginning to feel a struggle. Compared to our previous au pair, this au pair seems like she’ll need more ‘managing’. She’s not getting the basic life-care things done.

For example, when I get home from work the house that needs straightening, the kids aren’t properly dressed and fed (ie., teeth brushed, healthy snacks), etc. That said, the kids are safe and are having a great time with each other. It may be that our au pair is too much fun and not enough keeping things straight.

And, I am starting to resent it when I find myself playing the ‘not fun’ one– directing the kids what to do, picking up after everyone, and feeling grumpy about how things are going.

How can I balance that I need something more in an au pair with the fact that she’s clearly giving the kids all the fun and (basic) care that they want?

Can we ever ‘step in the same river twice’?
Can we pick up where we left off in a great host family – au pair relationship?
Or, is every au pair match, no matter with whom, a new adventure?

Is it possible to answer ‘yes’ to all of those questions, at the same time?

HostMominVA hopes so. She writes:

We’ve had four au pairs for our twins. Our current AP leaves early in the new year. (I don’t expect that she will want to extend because she is going home to go to university.) We do have another opportunity for something that’s like an extension….

Our second AP has expressed an interest in coming back for another au pair year (or two). In her original year with us, she stayed the full 12 months. She is young enough that she still qualifies for the au pair program.

I’m open to having her back. She loves the kids and I think that she would benefit from another experience abroad in the sense that she is still maturing as a young woman. Her professional goal is to care for children, so extra au pair experiences further her career.

• Has anyone re-matched with an au pair after a year or more gap?

• Any advice for making the second tour successful?

• What is the most affordable way to match with an au pair when you only need the services of an agency facilitate the visa and the travel, not to coordinate the match or sponsor the training?

I’d love all your thoughts and suggestions — HostMominVA

Images from the many large adventures of one small bear Some rights reserved by sig hafstrom

If a picture paints a thousand words, then what does an Au Pair’s application video do?

Au Pair videos seem like a great way to get a sense of an au pair’s personality and command of English. Even though someone could script and then rehearse perfect grammar and expression, you’d still get o hear his or her accent and know whether you could manage it. Plus, a video can help you get a sense of a potential au pair’s personality. Looks good.

Challenges of Au Pair Application Videos

When videos first arrived on the scene, I wondered if they’d do as much harm as good. All I needed to see was an au pair in her pink bedroom, surrounded by thousands of stuffed animals, using cheesy graphics and Brittney Spears as background music, to move on to the next application without a second thought. Yes, I was using my own atheistic taste, not good matching criteria.

I wonder, though, if au pair videos now have a smaller role in the matching process, since Skype has created a chance for us to interact visually and audibly with an au pair in real time.

As Steff wrote in a comment earlier:

In the first interview I had with my current hostfamily they actually commented on my video and how they’ve liked what I did there. I had to admit I liked that, and you know? Host parents actually look a lot to that because, at least in my opinion, the video is a GREAT way to tell the actual personality of the girl– of course that’s not a “bullet-proof” screen tool, but I think it is still very great because your future hostfamily can “know” you a little bit better.

How well your spoken English is- if you are a happy person overall, if you smile a lot and are genuinely excited in being an AP or if you are just with the program as a way to get to the States and I really hope you know what I mean.

OB mom chimed in:

I really liked having a video to get a sense of a person and who they are. Not a highly produced thing, but something that shows what is important to them about working with children. What would you do with our children if you were our AP’s? If you can show that your communication skills are good that may help.

Families, have Au Pair application videos helped your selection process?

Or have they just added another layer of stuff to distract you from your deeper criteria?