You do.

Car insurance is one of the many ‘other’ costs that host parents incur when they have an au pair.

Host parents who need the au pair to drive a car as part of his or her work duties obviously pay for the car insurance, just as they pay for the gas and for the tuition at the Music & Me class.

Host parents who offer access to a car as part of the perks of being with the host family (and, frankly, as a way to let an au pair maintain an independent social life) also pay for car insurance.

Offering an au pair the use of a car without her or him being insured to drive it is like offering the au pair a car with only three wheels.

Your au pair can’t drive legally in a car with three wheels and your au pair can’t drive legally in your family car without insurance.

If the Au Pair’s Driving Record Increases Your Costs

The only time it’s appropriate for an au pair to pay for part of the car insurance is if that au pair has had an accident that has caused the insurance premium to rise during that au pair’s year with you. Then, it seems fair that the au pair would pay the incremental additional cost.

For example, if the insurance for the au pair had been $300 and rose to $500 after a fender-bender, it would be fair to have the au pair pay the additional $200.

Because the car insurance premium is one of those ‘other’ costs, it’s usually only something the host parents are aware of. That’s too bad, because the ability to drive a car that is insured is a real perk, and a privilege, that most host parents want their au pairs to appreciate.

Discuss the full costs of your au pair’s driving privileges with your au pair.

When you sit down with your au pair to talk over car rules, driving expectations, and family car managment, this can be a good time to share with your au pair a breakout of the ‘other’ costs involved in having him or her use the car. You might mention the costs of additional insurance, additional wear and tear (which can often be shared in a cost per mile figure), and depreciation in value as the mileage is racked up by late night drives from one Starbucks to another.

You can also use this time to discuss some of the other ‘other’ costs of providing a car for your au pair, including the extra effort it might take to corordinate the schedules of several drivers, what a drag it is when the car is parked in the wrong place, and your general worries about your au pair’s saftey in the car.

The point is not to make the au pair feel guilty about being a burden or costing you money  — so don’t lay it on too think. And, be sure that if you *do* harbor any resentment about these extra costs, you deal with that resentment before you talk with your au pair.

Driving is a privilege. That’s certainly true. But it’s only a privilege when you provide your au pair with a safe, legal, and insured car to drive.

Insuring my au pair on my car insurance increases my premium by ~$300/year. Does the au pair pay or the host family? She will be driving the children as part of her work week but will also have access to use the car for pleasure. What do you think? ~ MGMom

See also:

Auto Insurance: Is your AP on your policy?
Using Your Car is a Privilege, not an Entitlement: Best practices
When your Au Pair has a Fender-Bender — Who pays, and what, and how?
After the Car Accident: Advice on what to talk about with your Au Pair
Want Safe Driving? Forbid your Au Pair to use the cellphone in the car. Period.

Image: What’s The Deductible? ??? Some rights reserved by 1f2frfbf on Flickr

Snowstorms in weird places (like Oregon) and snowstorms in predictable places (like Chicago) have raised the question for many aupair host parents –

Do you allow your au pair to drive in the snow?

Of course, there are a million variables that affect this decision. Here are the ones I came up with off the top of my head:

• Is snow frequent or rare?
  Is the snow deep, light, icy?
  Does your car have 4 wheel drive?
  Is your car a Volvo?
  Is your car already beat up, or rather new?
• Is your au pair a good driver?
  Has s/he got lots of experience driving in snow?
  Is s/he from Sweden, Norway, Finland, Northern Canada?
• Is the specific trip urgent or discretionary?
  Daylight or after dark?
  With children or without?
• Are drivers in your area generally comfortable in snow?
  Do you live on a hill?
  Are your town roads well-plowed?
  Can you avoid hilly or unplowed roads to get to where you want to go?

• Can you afford to lose your (au pair) car to a body shop for a week or two?

As this host parent put it— many many variables! So, how do you decide?

Dear AuPairMom-

Our family has recently moved from a warm weather area to the east coast and we’ve never had to deal with snow before. We just had our first real snowfall of the season and I’ve very hesitant to allow our AP to drive in it. She has experience driving in snow in her home country (probably more than I do!) and says she is not afraid to drive in it.

For those of you living in areas that get snowfall, do you let your au pairs drive in the snow?

I’m in foreign territory here because we’ve never had to think about this before and would love to hear how others handle it.

And does it depend on where she is going or while working or not? What about when it’s not a huge storm, some cars are out on the road, and some roads are likely plowed, but sidestreets and such are icy and temperatures are still below freezing?

I feel that if she doesn’t HAVE to go out, I’d rather not take that risk. But I see it differently depending on the need. Going to the grocery story, taking the kids to school (if  schools were open), or going somewhere a planned important event like a going-away party for another AP, I see as more of a need than her wanting to go to Starbucks or the gym.  

Also, HD and I are doing some minimal driving (nearby errands), but I feel more comfortable with us taking that risk than her. DH has had years more driving experience and frankly, it’s our own car that we’re risking. And I just don’t feel like the headache right now of having to pay for car repairs because our AP felt she needed to drive to Starbucks in the snow. But, I feel like I’m being contradictory or unfair if I say she can’t drive, while DH and I continue to use the cars. Is this at all reasonable?

Some additional background — we love our current AP, who is leaving soon, she’s very responsible & mature and very good natured. Not at all whiny or immature. She rarely asks much of us, but she is pushing a little with this. However, she is very used to having a car at her disposal (we have a very nice 3rd AP car with very few restrictions). I know this is inconveniencing her and she is not thrilled. And, to top it off, my brand new SUV was recently stolen, so we are currently using our AP car and a rental car as our means of transport. We have her on the agreement so she can drive the rental, but again, I just don’t want to take the risks of any more car headaches right now.  

I really want to be reasonable but I am a little confused at the whole situation.

Image: Not Driving Today…. Some rights reserved by subsetsum

Readers, here’s another one of those emails that I just don’t have a good answer for… Can any of you au pairs or host parents offer her some comfort?

Hi Au Pair Mom, I am an au pair and always read this blog, to know if I am doing right, to have kind of a feedback, and to try to be a good au pair. Congratulations for the site, it is very good.

I just have a confession to make, and since this site always helped me, I feel like telling a little about my history, because I am very sad about that.

Well, I am in rematch right now. I crashed the car 3 times. The first one really was because of the attention, and I was very sorry, and paid the insurance, but they didn’t fixed the car. The second one was just scratched on the back because the car is very big and I didn’t get used to it. And the third I just touched on another car and not even made any scratched on my car.

I was afraid to tell my host parents on the second one, it was holidays and my HM really loves Christmas, I was afraid to disappoint them, and I know that I did very wrong but I just couldn’t by the time. I was going to call my LCC so she would help me telling them. But then on the day I called her, happened the third accident and so I told them, and the LCC came.

My host parents said that they feel like I was very sad, (and I really was because of the Christmas away from my family, and) because I was hiding about the scratches and I really felt bad about that. And they said that I was a fabulous au pair, always get everything done, they kids just loved me. (It was even kind of strange, they get used to me on the second day! I really love kids and I have this easiness to deal with them.

But my host mom felt that I was sad and even though I was sad I was always on time and I was always getting everything done, but maybe that was why I crashed the car. They said that I needed to change and get used to the missing or maybe was better if I went back home. Then I told them about the third accident.

My HM just said that I broke her trust (which I am aware of that and tottaly agree) and what if one of her kids got hurted and bleeding and I get afraid to tell them. I explained to her that was different but she didn’t listen. The LCC and the HD told her to sleep over that and they would talk later. But nothing changed, she said that she couldn’t live with that, but I was a gifted person because I was great with the kids and she would give me wonderful reference to another HF.

Since the decision of the rematch, everything has been find. I am very respectful and I keep doing my job and treating the kids the same way. (I just cry a lot because I love the kids very very much). Also, I’m still driving them, much more carefull of course.

Then I talked with my LCC and she said that maybe I should talk with my HM to see if I can stay here because she said that we are a good match and my HD didn’t want me to leave. She could see that I hid my car denting from them not because I was selfish and didn’t want to take the consequences, but because I was really afraid to disappoint them. I talked with my HM saying that maybe doesn’t worth to interview another AP and to have all that work trying to find someone else, and if there was a way to gain her trust back. My HM said that she coudn’t let me put the life of the kids in danger by driving. (However, I am still driving the kids while here, so I don’t really get this explanation.)

The thing that really bothers me is: I think that she doesn’t want me on her house for some reason that no one knows.

I always asked my Host parents to say to me if that was something wrong, and they never said a word and always said that I was great. I feel like all my effort for being here — to show all my affection to them — was in vain. I bought a wonderful frame and put the picture of every ‘member’ of the family, including me, because I really thought that was what I was here. I embroidered a towel with her name with my own hands for her birthday, and she never even touched it. (I know because the laundry is in their rooms and I have to go there to do the laundry).

So, I am just very sad because I think that maybe someone didn’t tell the truth.

And also, she is interviewing another AP in front on me, which really makes me very sad. I feel like an object being thrown out. I mean, ok that I am really not a family member, but I am a person who has feelings, and I think that everyone deserves respect, doesn’t matter whom they are.

I am not mad at all. I think that everything happens for a reason. I just needed to ask for an opinion, or something like that. I’m not sure that you could put this on the blog, because I think that is too detailed… It is just I want to hear from another HM or HF — is this what it’s like here in USA? Because I feel like people here really doesn’t matter with anothers. That makes me very sad because I came here to live a dream and it has been a nightmare so far. I need some comfort, because I am really thinking about to go home, not because I am afraid to not find another family or something else, I just don’t want to be hurted again with the delusion that I am part of the family.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Image: Heartbroken ?from Daniel Pink

Yesterday we got this email from an au pair candidate who is very excited about finding a family. She asks:

How could I be selected as an au pair as soon as possible?

I offered her a little advice, and I’d love to hear what you all might suggest…

Hi I’m Shannon from (Southeast Asia), I am 20 years old and a university student.I’ve just applied to an au pair agency in the USA — I sent an application to that au pair agency a few weeks ago. I’m really sorry to send this email but I dont know what I’m gonna do please understand me and give me some advices. How could I be selected as an au pair as soon as possible ?

Hi Shannon-

Thanks for your email— on AuPairMom.com we don’t have any connections to the au pair agencies, so we don’t have the ability to help directly with getting you into your agency’s system or for getting you matched quickly. But here are some ideas….

1. Be sure to complete all of the paperwork, interviews, and health exams that your agency application requires, as promptly as you can. The sooner your application is complete, the sooner you can get into the matching process.

2. Talk to your local recruiter or agency representative and ask her what you can do to move your application along quickly.

3. Take some driving lessons. The #1 reason that host families hesitate to match with candidates from Southeast Asian countries is that many au pairs from these countries really don’t know how to drive safely and well. Get some additional driving practice with different kinds of cars, and in different kinds of driving situations. If you usually drive in the countryside, practice in a city. If you’ve rarely driven on a highway, ask someone to coach you on highway driving. If you can get a real, bona fide driving school instructor to evaluate and certify your driving skills, that would be especially helpful.

Driving skill is important to 3 out of 4 host families, and if you are able to demonstrate that you have worked hard to become a good driver, that might make people more likely to consider matching with you.

4. Prepare information about yourself that communicates who you are, what you are looking for, how you handle new situations, and what kinds of childcare you’ve done. Carefully prepare any materials that your agency requests — letters to host families, application information, and so on– so that you communicate as much about yourself as truthfully as possible. Parents want a sense of the ‘real you’, not some ‘perfect you’ — so be honest. Consider posting information on your own blog site (like Blogger, Posterous, Tumblr), on your facebook page, or even putting your own video on YouTube.

5. Prepare yourself for your au pair interviews. By this I don’t mean that you should practice responses so that your spoken English seems perfect. What I mean is– make sure you know what the au pair job is, what the exchange experience is like, and what families are looking for. If you are very clear about what the au pair job is, if you know what kind of family you are looking for, and if you offer a lot of information about yourself to help potential families get to know you, this might be helpful.

You should look at AuPairMom posts on interviewing and matching, and see what kinds of concerns host parents have, and what things they are looking for.

6. When a host family contacts you by email or phone, respond right away. Even if you are away for the weekend, or busy with classes, let the family know you got the email and suggest a time that you can connect. Don’t let the email sit there for a day or two, or three, while you think of something to say.

7. If you share a phone with family or friends, let them know (once your application is in the matching pool) that you are expecting contacts from American host families. Many of us have left phone message after phone message with a relative of an au pair candidate, and never heard from the candidate. Even if the opportunity is not right for you, get back to the host family immediately and let them know.

8. If you have any special skills or talents to offer a host family, let your recruiter know... just in case there is a family that really needs what you have to offer.

I don’t know for sure if this will make a difference, but it seems worth a try.

cvh

All local Community Counselors are trained in the fundamental, general issues that are relevant to each and every au pair – host parent relationship. Community Counselors (CCs) must know the US State Department au pair regulations, the contract details of the agency they represent, and the au pair contact, support & rematch practices of their agency. Many CCs are trained in issues like helping with culture shock and recognizing eating disorders. Also, most are trained in the foundations of mediating conflicts between host families and au pairs.

In addition to these universal areas of expertise, each local au pair counselor should become an expert resource in two local issues:

1. Fulfilling the Education Requirement in your community
2. Getting the Driver’s License that’s necessary to meet your state’s requirements

The truly great local CC arrives at the host parents’ house bearing two gifts of expertise, (1) his or her own wisdom and (2) accurate, timely, printed materials.

1. Fulfilling the Education Requirement in Your Community

Your CC should be able to provide you with a package of information that covers “All About Fulfulling the Education Requirement in a Cost-Effective Way”. This information would include a handout comparing the local community colleges & universities, with contact information and phone numbers. It would include a list of classes that Au Pairs in the community like to take (for example, ESL classes) that also fill the requirement. This package of information might even include the latest catalog & course listing for the school that the majority of au pairs use.

2. Getting the Driver’s License that’s Necessary to Meet Your State’s Requirements

The other set of information your LCC should provide you with is “Everything You Need to Know about Driving Legally in ThisState“. This would include a handout with web page addresses to the DMV, an outline of the official requirements (and the online page where these can be referenced), and a booklet of driving rules and regulations in your state.

(One of our early CCs went to the Virginia DMV and gathered driving regulation pamphlets in several languages– not only English but also Spanish, German, French, Chinese and Portuguese. These were available free at the DMV, so she kept a stash in her car so she could give one to ever new au pair.)

Note: Questions about what your insurance company requires are up to us Host parents. Every policy has its own requirements, and we each need to be aware of what our policies cover and what they require.

Why should this be the Counselor’s job, and not the Host Parent’s (or Au Pair’s) job?

As host parents, it can be very hard for us to be up to date on either license/driving procedures or education options. When you have only one au pair at a time, the information you search for is specific to that au pair (e.g., language, interests) and to that particular year. In contrast, the local counselor is being asked all the time about driving and education, and must assist 20 or more au pairs each year. It just makes more sense for the community counselor to keep up to date on what’s necessary and what’s working. S/he should be the go-to resource for these sorts of questions.

We get a lot of questions here are AuPairMom about licence requirements and about education requirements, but we can really only tell you what has worked in our own *individual* situations, which may or may not be helpful to you.

in contrast, your local counselor should develop and maintain her or his expertise as a resource in these areas– not only does this make sure that au pairs fulfill requirements and drive legally, but also it is a HUGE help to each and every host family.

These are my personal, unofficial thoughts about how a counselor can be a resource to every host family. Are there other areas where you wish your local counselor was an expert? Please share….

Image: Reading by Ben Spark on Flickr
A Love of Reading 263:365 from The Real Estreya

The original title I had for this post was “In which we address, once again, the issue of driving skills”.  However, since that’s neither SEO-friendly, nor really helpful, let’s see if we can actually come up with ways to assess driving skill.

Everyone who has ever driving a car can call say that s/he’s an experienced driver.

But, who’s to say what “experienced” really means? Does it include driving a tractor? A Vespa? On country roads? Is three years enough, or might someone be a great driver with only one year on the road?

From an au pair’s application, it can be awfully hard to tell whether s/he has what it takes to get behind the wheel with our kids in the back seat.

How to Assess an Au Pair’s Driving Skill

To assess driving skill, we can use:

1. ‘# years driving – # moving violations’
2. The au pair’s own explanation of his or her driving experience (on the application)
3. Serious interviewing about driving (e.g., what kinds of driving situations make you tense?)
4. Calls to his or her references to ask specifically about driving.
5. Conversation with the applicant’s parent about her or his driving experience.

As an Anglo-American, I’m a big fan of direct, explicit inquiry. Imho, if you tell a person (the candidate or the reference) what you need in a driver and why driving is important, and mention safety, you’re likely to get the truth about actual skill level.

Can we assess attitudes about driving?

In addition to assessing the au pair’s driving experience, we also need to assess their attitude towards driving. Someone with less experience who seems committed to really learning how to drive in your specific American environment, in your family cars,  might be better for you than someone with a lot of experience who is more careless.

If you follow classic management advice, you should “hire for attitude and train for skill.”

What I’d really want to hear is respect for the challenges of driving, awareness of the importance of rules, enthusiasm about learning, and confidence without overconfidence.  I wonder, what could we ask to get at these attributes?

Here’s a specific question from Host Mom Nina:

I really need advice from experienced host moms (and dads) on this site:

I am having a panic attack. We are about to match with an au pair from Denmark. We like everything about her and she is the best candidate I have interviewed so far this year after 2 months of interviewing, except that I am not sure about her driving ability. On the application she said she drives frequently/regularly but after talking to her realized that’s only few times a month on weekends. It’s also mostly on country roads in a small town and sometimes on highways.

I was so “in love with her” otherwise that I didn’t pay enough attention to her driving, but this morning my husband told me that her driving worries him and now I’m lost… I promised her and 2 other girls I am interviewing that we’ll make the decision this weekend, so the pressure is on…

The nice thing is that I mentioned during our first conversation that I think she would need to practice more before she comes and the next time I called and asked what she will do that evening, she told me that she already borrowed a car from her sister to drive and practice and had to return it that night…I really liked that.

We have also interviewed another girl from Austria who drives more frequently and overall is not a bad candidate but don’t like her as much the one from Denmark.

I really like the girl from Denmark and I already matched with her in my mind, until my husband made that comment…

We will of course have few days with her to practice driving but still, she would come in January and who knows how the roads would be.

I just need and objective viewpoint and/or tips…Maybe someone even has an experience with someone from Denmark? I like her but don’t want to make a mistake by choosing her.

Thanks for your ideas, Nina

Two (temporary) parting thoughts:

1. Until someone comes up with a reliable online assessment of driving skill and driving attitude, we just have to ask a lot of questions and be ready to intervene once our au pair arrives.

2. If you are a potential au pair candidate, tell the honest to goodness truth about your driving experience, and be ready to talk a lot about driving in general.

Image: 4yr old driving her toy car! from stewartde

If you have both little kids and an older Teen, what are the things you need to consider as you plan for your Au Pair?

Carrie asks,  because she and her husband are expecting a new baby, for whom she’d like an au pair caregiver. The challenge is that Carrie also has a son from a previous marriage who will be 16 when the family plans to welcome their au pair.

Carrie has two general concerns about having an au pair that are specific to the family also having a teenage boy: Car Sharing and Room Assignments.

Since there are so many things to consider, let’s try to take them chunk by chunk–

Car Sharing with A Teen-Age Host Kid

Since we will have an infant and there is a park withing walking distance, we don’t expect that there will be much need for the Au Pair to use a car for work duties. We are hoping that it’s acceptable to have a “junker” (but still reliable) car that she can use when she is off-duty, and which she will share with our 16 yr old son.

(Right now our son is actually more interested in video games than much of anything else, so I don’t foresee time sharing of the car being an issue at the moment. But, I’m thinking ahead.)

Room Location: Privacy for Au Pair or Teen?

We have a few options for which bedroom/bathroom our au pair could have. In our basement, we have two bedrooms: one is currently my son’s, which he has had since we moved in to the house. The other bedroom is really small, so we’ve made it an office. The basement has its own bathroom with a shower.

Upstairs we have the parents’ room (which has it’s own full bath). We have two bedrooms across the hall from ours, and a bathroom on this same floor with a tub (which anyone in the house could use). We’re planning to use one of thee bedrooms for the baby, the other is currently a guest room.

Our options include:

1. Putting our son on the second floor with us, and the au pair in the basement with her own bath OR

2. Having the au pair take the smaller bedroom downstairs (currently the office) and share the bathroom downstairs, OR

3. Having our son keep his room downstairs, and have the au pair take the ‘guest room’ on the second floor across from us.?

Do I displace my son from the basement so the Au Pair can have her privacy? How do I respond to our son’s need for privacy? Do I ask her if she wants to have the office instead of a room upstairs and let them both be on the same floor?

Maybe a Manny with a Teen Age Boy??

(In response to my/CV’s question about a “manny”):

I promised you that there was a part 2 to the story of the au pair and host parents who were struggling with responsibility for damage to a car. That issue was shared with us by a host mom with a personal connection to the au pair. In addition to hoping for some ideas on how the problem could be resolved, this host mom wonders:

Should I get involved in the Au Pair – Host Parent situation?

Should I do something more than offer my advice to this Au Pair?

The au pair is a sister of one of our prior au pairs, and she’s kind of like ‘family”.

I could offer to talk to the counselor, for example, and try to put some pressure on them finding a rematch. I get so upset with au pair agencies (at least mine) who don’t seem to want to step in to help au pairs who are pretty powerless. Yet I don’t know if I’m projecting, because it is hard to know the facts.

My gut tells me to stay out of it, yet I feel really bad for the Au Pair. It sounds like she’s living in a toxic environment, and she’s not scheduled to go back to home until February, so maybe intervening now might help?

What do you readers advise?

See also:
When fault is contested, who pays for damage to the car?
Advice Wanted: Should I intervene in another Au Pair-Host Family situation?
When your Au Pair confides in you … about something awful

Image: The Mediator (cartoon) from crimfants

Host Mom Ginger sent us a request for advice, that I’ll share with you in two pieces. The first piece has to do with a disagreement over how to pay for damage to the car the au pair uses:

A host family has accused their au pair of having an accident with the car. She says it wasn’t her. The parents themselves have had two other accidents recently. They are very stressed out about it and, it appears, life in general. They wanted her to pay $500.

The au pair is getting conflicting information. Some have advised her that, t if she really didn’t do it (even unintentionally, like having the car parked) that she should very calmly stand her ground.

The au pair talked with her counselor, who doesn’t seem interested in stepping in to help to solve the problem. The counselor didn’t give the au pair any advice about whether or what she should pay, but has advised the au pair to fix things and stay with the family.

The family offered to ask her for half ($250).

The au pair is asking me what she should do. What do you recommend?

For the sake of simplicity, let’s clarify that the au pair and the host parents both drive the car in question, and that the damage was noticed when the car was at home (so there was no specific accident that anyone knows about that would explain the damage.

Ginger,

This is a tough situation for both the au pair and the host parents. If neither one thinks that they were responsible for damage to the car, then each one thinks the other is trying to take advantage of them. So no matter who ends up paying for the repair, this incident is costing both the host parents and the au pair a good deal of trust and goodwill.

The first issue is how to figure out who ought to pay what for the insurance deductible when the car is repaired. o.. here’s my unofficial opinion…

Car Damage from Unknown Causes (aka Random Damage) and Stationary Damage

Host parents are responsible for Random Damage. In the absence of proof that the damage occurred because of the au pair, the host parents are responsible.

If the damage occurred while the car was parked by the au pair legally and correctly while she was on personal business, it’s up to the host family to pay.

Why?  Anonymous, random, damage that ‘nobody’ caused intentionally is accidental. Thus, it’s the owner’s responsibility.  The host parents are generously providing the car for the au pair to use, the au pair is doing her best to drive responsibly and treat the car with respect, and something happened.   Consider that random damage could just as likely have occurred while you were using it. It isn’t your au pair’s fault, it isn’t your fault, it’s just the cost of doing business.

Consider that, if the fuel pump broke while your au pair was driving the car, you wouldn’t make her pay for that repair, would you? No, it happened due to wear and tear, not carelessness.

Another way to think of it?  If you wouldn’t make your mother-in-law pay the deductible in similar situations, you shouldn’t expect your au pair to pay.

Car Damage When the Car is In Motion

If the car is damaged during an accident ‘in motion’ where no one was clearly at fault or where fault was contested, and the au pair was driving, I’d still think it was up to the host family to pay.

However, if I were the au pair this is where I’d offer to chip in for some of the deductible. In many cases where ‘no one’ was at fault, there is a chance that both parties contributed to the damage. As a manner of good faith, if I were an au pair I’d offer to contribution something to the repair.

Keep in mind, though that what seems like a reasonable amount of money for a deductible is quite a lot for an au pair. For an au pair, the deductible is 2.5 times an entire week’s pocket money– to him or her the deductible is quite expensive. Punitive even. So paying half is a big contribution.

Known, Caused Damage, moving or stationary

On the other hand, for known and caused damage, the au pair is fully responsible for up to the full deductible. (Note, some agencies limit the au pair’s expectation to $250 dollars. Check your agency guidelines.)

Au pairs are responsible to pay for damage to the car when the au pair has caused that damage. If she was driving and hit someone, or parked illegally or improperly and was sideswiped by someone else, the deductible would be her fault.

Now, given that in this situation it is not clear whether the au pair was responsible or not—

If we were able to advise the host parents themselves, I’d tell them to pay the deductible, get the car repaired, and not hold it against the au pair.

If we can only advise the au pair, I’d tell her or him to invite the counselor into the conversation, and to sit down with the family to talk.

S/he should be prepared not only to talk about the questions of responsibility for damage and payment, but also about how the trust issues that have been raised by this disagreement should be resolved.

The real issue here is not damage to the car, but damage to the host parent-au pair relationship.

I have more thoughts on this, but I’ll hold them for now while we open this up for comments from our wise community…

What would you advise this au pair to do?

Here’s a request for advice– and it is a long one… read through and offer your wisdom!

Hi All,  We are a first time host family of a lovely Au Pair from China. She has been here almost two weeks. She is neat, helpful, and eager; she is willing to learn how to work appliances, etc. HOWEVER…

We seem to be having a few problems; I wonder how common they are, and would appreciate any advice people might have regarding how to fix them:

Our Au Pair Has Poor English

This one I feel is largely my fault; when we interviewed her on Skype, it was easy to blame the conversation lags on the distance/ internet connection. However, it is now apparent that she often seems to understand statements or instructions, but in fact does not. I have tried the simple (but somewhat infantilizing) technique of asking her to repeat instructions back to me – she seems to find this a little rude, which I understand, but if I don’t do it, I have no idea if she understands me or not. She seems to want to appear to understand so much (saying “Yes, yes, OK” even before I’ve finished a question) that she does not ask for clarification.

Her limited English skills also have made it very hard to get to know her. When my husband or I try to have friendly conversations, she seems to get embarrassed or frustrated – when my husband asked what she likes to do on weekends, she told us that she would rather talk to us about it in a month, once her English is better! I feel bad for her, and I don’t know how to help….?

Our Au Pair Has Poor Driving Skills

Actually, poor is an understatement. We only looked at applications from people who stated they knew how to drive. We have had the AP drive with us twice since she arrived. The first time, with me, she was driving through stop signs, into intersections, weaving from lane to lane without signaling or looking (the whole “lane” concept seemed foreign to her), turning left into opposing traffic, etc. I told my husband (who I think didn’t really believe me) how bad it was. So he took her out. She drove right off the road! He also felt that they narrowly avoided two major accidents, one when she glided into an intersection without regard to the light, another when she failed to brake until the last possible minute. There is no way we would let her drive out kids!

The problem is, we picked her specifically because we needed someone to drive our kids to/from school in the morning and evening! That was made clear upfront, and now I feel a little duped… Furthermore, she seems to think that her driving is fine – as my husband said, when she drove off the road, she giggled. I’m sure it was a nervous thing, but I don’t know how to proceed. We signed her up for her driving test, but there is no way she will pass it. Do we pay for private driving lessons? Should the agency cover the cost? And what should we do if we still don’t feel comfortable with her driving even after lessons? Honestly, I wouldn’t mind if she were a novice, “rusty” or timid – it’s the fact that she does not seem to even know to be careful that has me spooked.

Our Au Pair is Struggling to Bond With The Kids

My daughter, who is 5, seems to really not like the AP. She was so excited about the au pair coming, and now says she wants her to leave! She was fine with the AP for the first day or so, but now seems to resent any instruction or even help from the AP.

I know my daughter is VERY strongminded, and is not easy to direct – she is hard even for my formidable mother-in-law to handle. But I cannot change her personality – she doesn’t often respond the first time when told it’s time to leave, put away toys, get your PJs on, etc. If our au pair tries to get her to do anything, my daughter says “No” or simply doesn’t pay attention.

With her limited English, the AP doesn’t seem to have the tools to overcome this problem. If I or my husband is around, we intervene (she knows better than to disobey us) – but we can’t always be around! I’ve explained to my daughter that she cannot be rude or disrespectful, even given her time outs for not listening to the AP, but it doesn’t seem to change things. Even my toddler (2 year old boy) seems to not like the AP – that might get better with time, although I think he picks up on what his big sister thinks, and it starting to behave in kind. I’m worried about the direction their relationship is going, but I feel powerless to redirect things. HELP!!!

What we’ve done so far

I’ve talked with the cluster rep, who seems to think this is all pretty typical, and will work itself out (except the driving, which will need attention). The problem is my husband goes back to full time in one month, and at that point, we NEED someone who can drive our kids to school / daycare. Hiring another person to do that is an option, or course, but that seems to defeat a main reason why we got an au pair.

Am I being unrealistic?

Is it too soon to expect things to be settling in?

Am I doing something wrong that is preventing things from working?

I feel really bad even writing this – I can tell the au pair is a good person, and it must be so difficult to be out of one’s country for the first time, in a foreign land with unfamiliar customs, barely understanding the language and expected to help with a stranger’s rowdy children – but I am starting to question whether it is fixable or not….    Overwhelmed First-Timers

Dear Overwhelmed First-Timers

I just read your email aloud to my DH (we’re in the car) and he had one word for you — rematch.

I agree.

Of course, I’ll put this up on AuPairMom on Monday and we can get everyone’s suggestions, BUT

Driving is key. You can teach someone how to operate a car but you can’t teach them to have a serious, safe, skillful appreciation of the responsibility for driving someone else’s child.

Bad driving is a deal breaker. You don’t have time to teach her to drive— it would take many hours and much money, with no guarantees that it would be fixed in time.

As for the other two issues:

The language/instruction issue most of us would recommend you to keep working on.

The challenges of bonding with your children and learning how to interact with them would also be something that most of us would suggest is ‘fixable’ and worth working on.

But all three of these issues? That’s just too much for one host family to handle.

Go back to your LCC and put pressure on her to start rematch. The agency might balk, recommend driving lessons , etc. Have the LCC drive in car w/ AP to show her how bad it is. Demand a competent safe driver.

That’s my .02. Will put this up and see what others say. But get ready to rematch.

Also remember that there are great candidates out there — and you can and will find one.There is a better candidate for you out there.

You need to have a stronger foundation at the start that what you have so far.

cv, aka AuPairMom

Readers? Do you agree? What other advice do you have?

Images: Chinese car w’ chinese gal from Faye Yu
Chinese Shopping Mall from Ivan Walsh