Dear Au Pair Mom,

I really love to read your blog, and have been reading it for a few months now, back when I started on my quest to become an Au Pair. And now for the first time I’m writing to you for advice.

I have just moved to my host family and have been here for 2 weeks, and I love everything here so far, my host parents are amazing and so generous and have done everything they can to make me feel at home and welcome. The two kids and 2 and a half and a four year old boys. That’s where my problem lies.

I feel like I have placed my self in a situation I didn’t realize I wasn’t prepared for.

The boys are really great but they are so hard to handle and take care of as they never listen, they don’t take discipline seriously and continuously fight with each other. I also find that they are spoilt and have a really bad attitude.

The way I handle them is so different to the parents, who are so patient with them. I don’t have any patience with them when they throw a tantrum. That is how I was raised, and many other kids I have cared for have been bought up the same way.

As they are younger, they are only in school two mornings a week so I practically have them full time.

I feel like I have over estimated myself with what I can manage as I haven’t had hardly any experience with children this age and my host parents knew that from my application. I now find myself in the position where I am wishing I had older children.

I am undecided on how to approach this because I love everything here — except taking care of the kids, which is the reason why I am here.

I don’t want to risk a rematch (and I know it’s too early for that anyway) because I’m scared I won’t find a family as great as the one I already have and I have already made some great friends in this town, but I find myself close to tears a lot of the time because I struggle so much with the kids and I am really homesick.

So I was hoping you had some advice for me, and what I can do to make this situation better, because sometimes I feel that I might be staying here for the wrong reasons and maybe this is not what I should be doing..

Thanks again, New Au Pair

Image: Must Change Attitude by Mary Englebrecht. But the question is— how?

How do you want your au pair to interact with your children?

We spend a lot of time in our handbooks and meeting going over the house rules and general family principles, but often we leave implicit our our expectations for day-to-day kid – au pair interaction. Sure, we want each au pair-kid combo to work things out themselves (it’s their relationship, after all). But not every au pair has the perspective, the experience, and the vision to know just how to manage your lovely child(ren).

Our au pairs need us to teach them how we want them to interact with our kids.

–  Are you clear about how they should be guided? Taught? Held responsible? Disciplined?

–  Are you clear about what kid behavior is okay, and what’s out of line?

–  Are you up-to-date and realistic in your own assessment of ‘who’ your kid is, and what s/he needs from a caregiving adult?

We get a lot of emails, like the one below, from au pairs seeking advice about a specific child, a specific behavior, or a specific situation. We can’t (and don’t) address each one here on the blog.

But, we should be sure to coach our au pairs on how to work with our kids and help them connect with our kids.

• What do you do, to teach your au pair how to interact with your kids?

• What do you do, to help to shape the relationship between your kid(s) and your au pair?
  

• What do you do, to point your au pair to resources that might help her/him connect with your kid(s)?
  

Dear Au Pair mom,

I’ve been an au pair for 6 months and have just rematched. I’ve been with the new family for 10 days. They have three girls.

I spend a lot of time with the 3 year old girl. I never took care of a child this age and I don’t know how to deal with the crazy mood swings. She goes from the loveliest little girl in the world to this bossy monster crying and making scenes on the street.

Is that normal for that age? Do you think it’s gonna get better once she gets used to me? Is there anything I can do so she’ll trust/like me more?Also, they are a Dutch family and I speak really poor Dutch, so the language barrier exists.

I feel really helpless. I think I’m a great match for both parents and older girls, but I really wanna get past this.

Image: swing set from Dave McLean (aka damclean) on Flickr

Each host family is its own self-reinforcing social system. Families have their own logic, their own climate, their own emotional rules, values, priorities, and patterns of behavior. Although the new person in the family/home means that everyone adjusts, au pairs adjust more to the family than the family adjusts to the au pair.

Family systems make au pairs accommodate & adjust

The relatively imbalanced accommodation, where the au pair adjusts more, happens mostly because the family’s patterns of behavior are so ingrained, so interconnected and so regularly reinforced that it’s hard for an au pair to make a dent in them. The family has more members, the family has the power position of employer (vs employee), the family is in its own home culture, and the family remains while au pairs come and go.

Of course, some au pairs can push family dynamics one way or another. “Wet Blanket” and “Miss Pointy Boots” got their host families depressed and agitated. Other au pairs seems to spark more happiness, more gratitude and more appreciation (in addition to what might be attributed to the parents actually getting the help they need).

Even if they can’t change the whole family system, can an au pair intentionally improve certain kinds of host family interactions — like sibling relationships?

I’ve been stuck on this question, having read Bettina’s email, about her host children’s angry, ugly behaviors towards each other.

My first response was to imagine Bettina taking charge of the older two girls, showing them how to behave, reinforcing good behavior and ‘counting to time out’ the bad behavior, even if the parents weren’t on board. Ever the optimist, I was assuming Bettina could make a positive difference in her host family.

But then I thought about the power of the family system, and the lack of support of the host parents, and wondered whether to tell her, “Yeah, go ahead and rematch. Go find a loving family where they don’t shout hateful things at each other.

Here’s Bettina’s story-– after you read it, come back and tell us:

• Can an au pair change a family’s dynamics for good?
• Can an au pair improve sibling dynamics?
• How should Bettina respond?

Image: Untitled Emily Raw Some rights reserved

Here’s Bettina’s story about her host kids… click back to the original post to discuss whether, if, and how an au pair can make a positive difference in host family dynamics.

I’m an au pair in the US for 2 weeks now, and I really like it here. When I arrived, I immediately felt comfortable here with the family. Sure, there are some things I didn’t like, but all in all everything was fine. I take care of 4 girls between 11 and 2 years old. The girls seem to like me, at least they like me more than the au pair before me, and I also really like them. I also like my hostparents. They do everything for me and really want me to feel like home. And I do, I never got homesick since I arrived , even though there are several ups and downs with the kids.

But here is the problem:

When I arrived, I realized how rude the kids behave against their parents, and especially how they interact among each other. It seems that they don’t have respect when they talk to the parents, and when they misbehaved in some special way, they don’t get any strict consequences.

But the thing that really stresses me is the way the kids talk to each other. Every day, without fail, the kids tell each other and me: “I wish my sister would die/would be dead”. Or, they say: “I wish I were old and strong enough to kill the 5-year-old sister”.

That is not normal! In my opinion the kids are old enough to be aware of what they are saying. I also think it’s like they want attention by saying these things, but that doesn’t make things better. I mean, I have 3 siblings, too, and I know that siblings love to fight and it is normal in some way, but not like that. It’s shocking for me because I think siblings should stick together.

I talked with the parents about the kids earlier. I told them that I’m shocked how they go around with each other, they insult each other in every single sentence, and there is no chat between the kids in that they don’t insult the other one or swear.

My hostdad told me I should leave them alone when they are fighting. I really tried it, but when I don’t intervene they start to hit, punch, pinch, pull the hair, scratch, spit and kick and really hurt themselves. What makes it worse is that the 9-year-old teaches the little 2-year-old mean things she should say to the oldest sister. And I mean she is two, she repeats everything she hears! And even though she would not knew what she said, it will hurt the other persons’ feelings!

To be truthful, the situation started bothering me since I arrived here. But, I have a really good connection to my hostparents and the kids are not mean to me like they are to their parents. However, a few days ago I realized that I don’t want to stay here the whole year under these circumstances.

I can’t ignore the kids’ behavior anymore, because it really messes with my mental power, if you know what I mean. It’s like the behavior is poisoning the working atmosphere in the house. I don’t have fun to play with the kids or being around them because every little word could lead to an explosion of the whole trouble.

I will talk with my hostparents as soon as possible about the situation, and I feel quite bad about it because I really really like them, they are great people. But unfortunately they are not on top of this with their kids. I would like to give them a chance talking to the kids and try to work on the situation, but I don’t believe that things are going to change.

And I can’t imagine to live there the whole year, because I’m not feeling strong enough to cope with this situation there. I’m not a psychologist or someone who is able to do any kind of ongoing counseling.

I do feel uncomfortable and feel some pricks of conscience because the hostparents have done a lot for me. I feel like I’m turning my back on them if I leave. It’s really complicated.

Would you say this is a legitimate reason for going into rematch? Thank you very much for your advice!

Readers:

Come back to the original post and offer your answers to these questions:

• Can an au pair change a family’s dynamics for good?
• Can an au pair improve sibling dynamics?
• How should Bettina respond?

Image: Sibling Rivalry from Lon Fong…back and catching up!

Our au pairs get an up-close and personal view of our families.

Sometimes they see things we don’t see, maybe even things we don’t want to see for ourselves.

Because au pairs interact with our children when we parents are often not around, and they spend longs days with our kids, they may notice things about our children that might surprise us. Au pairs may see developmental issues, emotional issues, new patterns of behavior, new things learned, new frustrations, and so on.

We hope to hear most of these things in our one-on-one meetings with our au pairs, or at the transitions when they go off duty and we’re back in charge. But what happens when there is an issue about a child that’s hard to bring up? What about when your au pair feels s/he needs to tell you that something more serious might need our attention?

Would you shoot the messenger?

As Kennedy writes:

I’m 22, an American and I Au Pair for a pretty cool family in Germany. I’ve been with them for over 6 months now and I only have 2 months left with them. Things with them have not been perfect but they are nice people and always willing to work with me. They speak almost perfect English and so do the 4 children. Boy 14, Girl 12, Girl 8 and Boy 6. The HF works full-time and the HM works part time but has many activities outside the home.

For the most part the family seems to like me. At the beginning I told them I thought I needed to rematch. Three things were going on:

1. They lied to me about living arrangements.
2. They don’t follow the German Guidelines for how many hours an Au Pair should work and what duties she is suppose to do.  The biggest issue?
3. The youngest child has violent outbursts and has other serious behavior problems.

We worked through the first two issues through compromising and it worked out fine for both of us. But we still have some communication issues.

And as I’m coming to the end of my work here I’ve come to the conclusion that the youngest child might have some type of disability that either they did not tell me about or has not been diagnosed. I’m afraid for him because after 7 months it’s obvious to me his violence is not a phase.

The parents blame me for his outbursts, which I think is unfair because I am often the receiver of the violence. For example-when he does not want to go to Tennis he will throw things around the house. He has bitten me when I kept him from attacking his sister. (I had to tell the parents if he ever bites me again I will have to leave this family the next day.) Plus he has other issues with paying attention in school, speech, ect.

That leads me to wonder if he has some type of undiagnosed disorder that the parents are just ignoring? Their parenting style is to “never use negative re-enforcement to correct bad behavior”. Or maybe he is just crying out for more attention from his parents. I’ve worked with children for many years before becoming an Au Pair. I’ve taken several psychology courses in college and high school but of course this in no way makes me an expert. But I believe something may be wrong.

Personally, I care a lot for this family and I want the little guy to get help if he needs it.

My Question for Mothers and Fathers out there is:

How can I broach such a delicate subject with the parents when we have communication issues? Because I will be leaving soon, I may have a window during which I can tell them, but avoid bearing the brunt of their anger, denial or concerns.

I believe some of these communication blocks happened because they do not value my opinion. I am not as educated as they are. But I’m not stupid. I’ve been in college, traveled and I know children. This boy’s behavior is not normal.

How can I make them see that without them “Shooting the messenger” so to speak?

Any advice would be lovely. I’m really looking to see this situation from a different angle.

If you think that this au pair should discuss their son’s anger with the parents-

• How should she bring it up?
• When should she bring it up?
• What can she do to prepare herself, and her host parents, for the conversation?

Image: awry from onenineteen

Kids and parents want different things. Kids want to stay up, parents want to go to sleep. Kids want to make a mess, parents want that mess cleaned up (eventually). Kids get engaged in fun and learning, while parents must take care of safety, nutrition, and other not-quite-as-fun stuff. We have different sets of priorities.

Kids and parents want different things in an Au Pair.

When we parents choose an au pair, we’re usually looking for an au pair whose talents, skills, and interests will work with our kids’ needs. We also look for an au pair whose personal style will fit with our adult preferences.

Although the au pair is “for” the kids, most of the difficulty in an au pair-host parent relationship comes from host parent-au pair misfit. So it makes sense that we parents would use our own criteria when we look for au pairs, and when we work to shape the au pair’s interactions with us and our kids.

As one host mom writes,

I’m feeling some tension between what my kids want in an au pair, and what I want in an au pair.

Our new AP has a lively, fun, and positive personality. My kids really seem to like her.

While, I’m glad that my kids are happy with her, I’m beginning to feel a struggle. Compared to our previous au pair, this au pair seems like she’ll need more ‘managing’. She’s not getting the basic life-care things done.

For example, when I get home from work the house that needs straightening, the kids aren’t properly dressed and fed (ie., teeth brushed, healthy snacks), etc. That said, the kids are safe and are having a great time with each other. It may be that our au pair is too much fun and not enough keeping things straight.

And, I am starting to resent it when I find myself playing the ‘not fun’ one– directing the kids what to do, picking up after everyone, and feeling grumpy about how things are going.

How can I balance that I need something more in an au pair with the fact that she’s clearly giving the kids all the fun and (basic) care that they want?

I got this question, from OBMom, just after I sent my DH yet another email with the details of daughter #2′s school dance performance and implored him (okay, nagged him) once again to make sure he gets there on time . We are overwhelmed by end-of-school events. June is the née September, I’ll say, and I’m not sure that even *I* want to go. But I do go, as a show of love and support.

From OBMom—

How involved should we expect an AP to be in all the celebrations at the end of the school year?  Those of us with school-aged kids know that this time if year has lots of events that the kids are involved in during or after school.  Awards ceremonies, band concerts, drama presentations at school, etc.  How much enthusiasm about these things can we hope our APs to show?

Personally, we’ve had the whole spectrum, the ones that I know I can send with a video camera and the kids will be just as happy to see, ones that give up their Friday nights to stay for the middle school talent show to those that seem to run away as soon as a parent is in the building.   Or if we ask her to stay, she looks incredibly bored or texts the entire time.

I think that how involved APs are in these events correlates with how much they connect with and love the kids … And how much a part of the family they want to be.

Unfortunately right now we have the latter type.   She stays at baseball only until we arrive, and then goes home to her room even during playoffs … And didn’t show much interest in thevoutcome the next morning.  She saves us seats for band concerts, but then leaves ASAP when we arrive.  Isn’t school life part of the cultural exchange? Or is it “work” time?.

I’d love to hear how other families approach this —

Not sure how to pose this, but something to consider if you are short of ideas…
Thanks, OBMom

(First published on 9.11.09.  Republished with original comments.)

Thinking about ‘lessons’ from 9-11 can often be heartbreaking, especially in my community where so many of us lost family, friends and co-workers in the WTC attacks. It’s almost disrespectful to bring up the idea of a “9-11″ plan, but maybe thinking ahead about how we might respond to a similar event is useful and consoling.

Here’s my story about 9-11 plans …

For the first time ever one of my friends was willing to leave her kids with me for an entire day so that she could go into NYC for a ‘Girls Day Out”. That morning, she came over not only with the kids but also with a manila file folder. In the manila file folder was her 9-11 plan.

Her 9-11 plan included emergency phone numbers for her and her partner, their parents, siblings, and close friends’ phone numbers and addresses, the location of the ‘stash of cash’ and emergency supplies in their house, and the address of an extended family member’s home in rural Pennsylvania. This was their emergency ‘meet up’ place where, if separated during a terrorist attack, they would regather after fleeing the NYC area.

My friend’s partner worked in downtown NYC, was there on 9-11, and was unable to reach her by phone or email that day. My friend waited 8 hours to find out that her partner was safe. She knows she was lucky. We know moms who were not as lucky. She didn’t and doesn’t ever want to experience that again, and we pray she never will.

Just in case there is ever a national disaster or tragedy on a serious scale, when she or her partner are away from their kids and unable to protect them, she has their plan all spelled out on two sheets of paper she can give to whoever is in charge while she’s gone.

Until my friend shared her 9-11 plan with me, I thought I was the only mom who had one of these, written down for our au pair, just in case. In an odd way I appreciated discovering that someone else was similarly concerned, and that she had a plan in advance. Just in case.

In the days right after 9-11, I had several phone conversations with the frightened mom of our then-Au Pair, reassuring her that we would take care of her daughter in the event of another attack. Our 9-11 plan includes plans for caring for our au pair. Before we matched with our next au pair, we talked with her about our 9-11 plan, so that she could reassure her parents.

As the years have passed, we have talked about this less, but we still have a plan.

Do you?

Photo by Andy Ciordia on Flickr

Dear Au Pair Mom readers–

Our au pair has been with us for 1 1/2 months. She’s 19, Italian, and speaks excellent English. She cares for our daughter while I work part-time the house, part-time out.

The problem is that our daughter, who is about to turn 4, is having a hard time with this au pair. I know it can be typical around age 4 for a child to have some tantrums, occasionally kicking or striking out (not hard, but she’s clearly trying to make a point). She’s yelling a lot more–all normal, but difficult.

Our newest au pair really wants to be a part of the family, she refers to herself as a big sister, she wants the long-term relationship that we want as well. However, she argues with our daughter so much that it’s driving me insane.

Our last au pair was with us for 3 months and went home homesick after 7 months in the US. Our daughter and previous au pair, who was very calm, got along really well. We didn’t have these problems.

When I work at home I can often hear them bickering, often with yelling on both sides.

The au pair has very little patience for our daughter. Culturally, I understand that this au pair is a little feistier, and more prone to stronger reactions, and more dramatic behaviors. But, I really can’t continue to hear the bickering.

My daughter and our au pair do have moments of love and affection –hugging, reading, giggling, etc. And, my husband and I like this au pair. We’d like her to stay with us until the fall.

My husband and I are struggling to deal with this stage in our daughter’s life and are trying hard to be good examples, but we are often falling short too. We’ve talked to the au pair about needing to demonstrate a little more patience than she has. We are also clear with our daughter that hurting anyone is not allowed. She has gotten time outs or “sit downs” with mom or dad to talk about why it’s not okay. It’s natural, though not easy, for a strong-willed 3 year old to act this way. I do recognize how hard this is, the au pair has to act like an adult and not yell back at the child.

I’d really appreciate any advice on what we can do for both au pair and child. Thanks! Julie

Dear Julie -

What a challenge- a child going through an emotional time, an au pair with a feisty personality, and parents who are doing their best and haven’t yet found an effective strategy! Your situation reminds me how hard it can be to continue to adjust– not only with each au pair, but as each child grows. Kids and their needs are a moving target– what works this month might not work next month, and it keeps us parents on our toes.

Many moving pieces

It seems to me that you are looking at many of the important moving pieces, and considering how all three partners (parents, child, au pair) might adjust to create a calmer and stronger relationship. All three of you have things to learn and to try.

Certainly, though, it’s your au pair who is going to bear the brunt of the changing– she is the one in direct conflict with the child and the child isn’t mature enough (obviously) to fix the situation herself. Your daughter needs to be taught how to manage her emotions in an age appropriate way, and your au pair needs to be a key person in teaching her that. And, at the same time, your au pair needs to learn how you and your DH want this situations handled and what you and your DH want your child to be taught.

When you mentioned the ‘emotionality’ element, my thoughts went directly to the book “How to talk so kids will listen“, which is one of my parenting bibles. One of the many things that I found useful about their advice was the way they recommend that we (adults) detach emotion from our responses to kids, and in this way not only model appropriate conversation but also disengage from the emotional drama ourselves.

[[This is also the advice of my other favorite toddler-8 yr old book "1-2-3 Magic".]]

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen

One thing that you might try is getting two copies of this book, highlighting relevant sections and asking your au pair to follow their strategies with you. You each get a copy of the book to read, highlight, refer to. This tactic has the advantage of getting all the adults on the same page– literally– for consistency in handling things with your daughter. We all know, consistency is key to teaching kids what kinds of behavior we want in our families.

Plus, the book explains “why” the tactics work– from an ‘expert’ perspective that makes it less about you and your spouse and more about ‘what’s been shown to work’. Sure, the book is culturally-bound, and very American. But that’s okay if the values of the authors fit with the values of you and your spouse.

Discuss your family vision

Another big picture approach is to talk with your au pair not about her personal reactions, or the the 1:1 relationship you want her to have with your daughter, but about the kind of climate you want in your home. Saying things like “We want to create a home where disagreements are handled with love and patience” sets everyone on the same goal without putting anyone in particular on the spot.

Also, these big goals leave some room for each of us to devise our own personal tactics. Your au pair could follow the “How to talk” advice along with you… plus she could come up with her own, proactive, positive ways to ‘bring ‘love and patience’ to the fore in her relationship with your daughter.

These are my two first thoughts- and I’m sure the rest of the group has some great ideas…. so let’s hear ‘em!

See also, this more general post: Improving the Relationship between your Au Pair and Your Kids

Image: Arguing Penguins by nouQraz

A request from VtMom — Dear Au Pair Mom readers –I have a minor issue that’s been bothering me and wanted to solicit the collective wisdom of the group.

Compared to other posts on this blog, I have nothing to complain about. Instead, my issue surrounds something that’s “nice to have.”

Background: We have three children ranging in age from 3rd through 8th grade. Our kids are very busy and a lot of our AP role involves driving them – to school, activities, friends’ houses, etc – and cooking dinner for them a few evenings per week, supervising homework for the youngest, and serving as referee. It’s a 40-45 hour/week schedule, with rare weekend time that’s known well in advance. During their time together, the kids are getting ready for school, doing homework, eating and getting ready for bed. It’s rare during the week that all 3 have free time at the same time.

Our current AP is doing everything that she has been asked to do. She’s respectful of our rules, our belongings, always finishes the weekly tasks, is a good driver and I find her pleasant to have around. She’s followed through excellently with discipline for my youngest. She even volunteered to help shovel snow!

My biggest disappointment is that she has not developed much of a relationship with my kids.

[If I had little kids and my AP was home with them during the day I would feel differently, but with older kids, this is not a rematching matter.]

She’s friendly & affectionate toward the youngest, but I’d describe her relationship with the eldest as ambivalent. My eldest describes that the AP is “always on her phone” and the AP complains that my eldest is “always on the computer playing games.” There’s definitely some friction there, but I try to listen to both and to remain neutral.

I understand that it’s vastly easier to bond with a 5 yo than a 13 yo, but our previous AP managed to develop a good, warm relationship with each child just 1 year ago. My middle child is warm and cuddly, yet the AP has not made an effort to build a relationship and it’s not reasonable to expect a young tween to initiate it entirely on her own.

What might have led to this?

In retrospect, there were scheduling issues at the start of her year that limited opportunities to bond. Plus, the AP has a boyfriend in a different part of the country (did NOT know that before she arrived and probably would have passed on her had I known) so she’s often away and, consequently, has participated in only 1 family outing since she’s been here.

We invite her regularly, but she almost never eats dinner with us. I forced my kids to invite her to play board games with them on snow days – I think she would have been content to be on her phone all day while they played on their own.

At this point, we have 5 ½ months left. [[Why have I waited so long? Inertia. Waiting for the “right” time.   Inability to confront this subtle issue head on.]] I can mandate car privileges, but it’s tough to force someone into a relationship that they don’t want to fully engage in. How do you tell a person who is doing all other parts of their job well that I want her to be more friendly and outgoing with the kids?

One specific guideline to change

While I can’t force her to develop a relationship, there’s one obvious thing that she does not do which I think would help. She makes dinner for the kids but then does not sit down to eat with them. All of our previous APs and nannies have eaten with the kids – perhaps not every day, but frequently enough that they’ve had time to chitchat and learn a bit about each other.

Other choices

As I see it, I have a few choices:

Choice A: Let it be
My kids are so busy that, to be perfectly blunt, they don’t NEED a warm relationship with their caregiver. I could just chalk it up to a learning experience and, with future APs, be on the lookout for schedule issues & boyfriends that might limit early bonding. Also, with future APs, make it clear from the start that they should plan meals that they like to eat and sit down together with the kids at least once/week.

Choice B: Mandate that she eat dinner with them at least once/week
The menu is her choice, so I wouldn’t be forcing her to eat something she doesn’t like. I could couch it in terms that I’m surprised that she doesn’t sit down to eat with them and that one of the ways that our past APs got to know the girls better was to eat with them. I could also mention that communication would improve.

However, it’s possible that she just doesn’t like eating at this time…to which I think my response will be that she should sit down at the table with them even if she’s not going to eat. Any suggestions for how to have this conversation would be most appreciated.

Choice C: Hint. Ask her why she doesn’t eat with them.
Tell her that it would improve communication and give them all a chance to get to know one another better if she eats with them.

I see a risk in this approach that she doesn’t take my hint and then I will become resentful.

I’m leaning toward Choice B, but I would appreciate input from our community on advice on how to have this conversation.

While the advice is flowing, I’d appreciate any tips from those with older kids (those beyond the age of being read to or played with) on how you laid the groundwork for a positive relationship on both sides.

Thanks so much to everyone on AuPairMom — VtMommy