Au Pair Somebody posed this question on a different post, and I’m repositioning it here, along with the responses from the APM community. Please join the conversation!

Well this is my situation and I am so pissed off because it took me by surprise!

My host family decided to move from Colorado to Virginia in road trip. We are suppossed to leave colorado the first week of June. I did not know this as it just happened suddenly as a better job opportunity for my host family.

I have 2 months left to finish my 2 years as an ua pair and I had practically planned my travel months already.

My concern — what makes me angry — is that they not only told me this when I had everything booked, but also they told me that they “hope” I can pay for my own hotel room and have one of the kids with me while we are on our way to Virginia. It is going to be aprox. 5 weeks travelling because they want also to sightsee the national plarks around and have me on duty.

Also, 5 months ago we went on a family trip to Utah for vacation. I did not really work but I helped some with stuff. I had to share my room with one of the boys and pay 30% of the room cost. Was that fair? Can I still complain…? about the flexibility PFFFF hahaha what does that word mean? I think flexibility only works for host families we ap or at leats me are treated like slaves, I am pretty sure that If my host mom could have me working 24/7 she would do it… dont even ask about extra payment.. that is a paralel universe for me

I can not consider rematch because no family will want an au pair for 55 days, I do not know what to do and I do not think is fair to pay for my hotel room when I will vto work, we will not be on family vacactions, I will share room with the kids, I have almost all my flights and hotels for my travel month booked, my flight back home already booked, and I still have a vacation week left to take.

Please how can I wisely deal with my horrible situation?

LuvCheetos:   
I’d call your LCC. They have an obligation to provide you with housing. Presumably, if they have no house and are living in a hotel, they need to provide you with a room.

Dorsi:

I would never consider having the AP pay for any portion of housing unless the trip was truly optional. In 4 years of hosting, I can’t think of a single instance where it would have been fair for them to contribute to the cost — and I have travelled a lot with the APs.

What somebody describes is really unfair. I hope the LCC can help her sort it out, though I would worry that a family that would do that (and hasn’t been so kind, according to your description) would elect to just finish the program early and not worry about you.

HRHM:
So this trip and the UT thing are 2 totally different cases. In the UT trip, it was a vacation week for you, you knew that when you decided to go and I presume they told you before you got to UT that you would need to pay your own way? As far as the HC sharing your room and you getting some money for that, I would assume that that was negotiated as well? I would say you had a choice to say no, I’ll pay for the whole room and have it to myself, or if you want HC to stay with me, we need to split 50/50 (or 66/33 if 2 kids with AP). If these things didn’t happen this way, it was likely due to you not asking for what you needed. I understand the imbalance of power in the relationship, but you can’t expect to get something unless you ask for it, no matter how uncomfortable that may be.

As for the move, I agree that it is pretty lousy to tell you about this move after you’ve made final travel arrangements. Hopefully they really didn’t know about it until it was too late to accomodate your flights. If this is the case, and they can afford it, it would be nice if they helped you changed your flights and tried to cover the cost difference.

If they want you to work during this 5 week trip, they are obligated to provide you with a place to live. Not only do they have to pay for your hotel, but technically, the state department rules require that the Au Pair has her own room. I wouldn’t nit pick this detail normally on vacation, but 5 weeks is a long time to have no privacy. If I were you, I would also get a written schedule in advance since it is very easy to fall into the trap of not being on duty but being expected to help 24/7 because you are there.

Talk to your LCC

TACL:
I agree with you – if they are asking you to work during the move, then they should pay for the hotel room. If they cannot afford to bring you along, then they should make other arrangements (e.g. pay for your flight from Colorado to Virgina). They absolutely cannot ask you to pay for your room and have you share it with a child!

Sit down with them after the kids have gone to bed and negotiate. Don’t whine, calmly explain that you do not have the resources to pay for hotel fees for 5 weeks (it would be an unreasonable request under any circumstance). While I personally would not ask an au pair to share a hotel room with one of my children (and have wedged DH, myself and 2 kids into a tiny room to prove it), I understand that not all HF can afford a separate room when they travel.

Negotiate. If you travel with them from Colorado to Virginia then you understand that you are trapped and do not have down time. You will be pitching in and helping on a daily basis (mainly because you’re trapped in the car with them) and because you’ll be sharing a room with at least one child. In return, you want them to pay for your hotel room and 100% of your meals.

This is a good time to negotiate down time. Obviously your 1 1/2 days off a week go out the window, but be good humored about it. Are there any places between Colorado and Virginia you would be interested in seeing? Now’s the time to put in a request. Is it possible that the kids could have a movie in their room for a couple of hours so you could have some quiet time to yourself, say 1 or 2 nights a week?

I am not telling to put cash into this trip, but to be flexible and adventurous. Also, don’t think of it as a vacation. That you get in your travel month. It’s a family trip.

What else can you offer? Think about your options.

Somebody:

Thanks you very much I called my LCC today as after the talk with my HF they seemed dissapointed that I am not “willing to be flexible” with them. As for the utah trip, well those were they vacactions not mine, while they were hiking at Arches National Park, I was doing kids laundry at the hotel, when I complained about it because I was also paying they told me we were gonna do something I like to do after that, but Gues what?? we got out of time :S …

In the seasons of the Au Pair year, there often comes a time after The Honeymoon and All Systems Go, but before On the Way Out, when some au pairs hit The Minimum Viable Performance.

(Sometimes, though not always, this is paired with The Slough of Not Giving a Shit  Not Caring Anymore.)

During The Minimum Viable Performance phase, your au pair stops trying to improve, stops trying to grown, stops taking pride in her or his work, stops even keeping up the appearance of doing a good job, and only does just enough that you don’t send her/him into rematch.

The Minimum Viable Performance  period is a dangerous time for host parents– we aren’t sure what to do, and we are often tempted to settle for less than what we’d hoped.

What can you do when your au pair stops doing a good job?

Host parents usually take one of two paths to respond to the MVP. They either (1) start picking up all the slack themselves, or (2) they start working on the performance issues of the au pair.

Pick up the Slack

If you start by picking up the slack yourself, or by lowering your standards, you usually build up a huge amount of resentment. Then, you erupt at an inappropriate moment, getting pissed at your au pair, and feeling so resentful that it’s hard to repair the relationship. And, on the way to this eruption, you’re probably grumped to your partner and all your friends. This is not a great way to go.

Work on Performance Issues

The other path takes steps to address the au pair’s performance.

First, Host Parents respond to the Minimum Viable Performance by treating the performance issue as though it stems from the au pair not knowing what s/he is supposed to do. Often, s/he and the HP’s describe this as ‘forgetting’ what’s expected.

What we do:  HPs remind the au pair, retrain the au pair, leave lists of things that need to get done, and so on. They take a logical, information-based approach to the problem.

This seems to be a fair way to go, since it is technically possible that s/he forgot or doesn’t know. And, sometimes simply making it clear that the performance isn’t up to par and that you have noticed will embarrass the au pair into doing a better job. Plus, when in doubt, it works best to assume that your au pair wants to do a good job and wants to be appreciated.

When this doesn’t work, some Host Parents shift to focus on the emotions that they think might be behind the au pair’s behavior.

Host parents try to diagnose the MVP as something that stems from not being appreciated, having ‘short timers’ syndrome’, being distracted by their social life, and so on.

What we do:  Host parents have a heart-to-heart talk about the poor performance, and try to draw the au pair out. They focus on (emotional) motivations like taking pride in her or his work or doing a good job as a role model for the kids. They appeal to the au pair’s highest personal expectations, and sometimes they can get the au pair back on track.

There are additional steps to take next, but I’m going to leave it up to you readers to unfold these in your comments, below.

And, to help you out, here are not one but two examples of Host parents with this issue: Newbie Host Mom and Host Mom of Lazy AP...

From Newbie Host Mom:

I’ve been a reader of AuPairMom for a while and I am a first time host mom to a 21 yr old. She’s been here almost 5 months now and for the most part it’s going well, at least in terms of everyone getting along.

My question, I guess, is how to deal with her increasing laziness. When she first arrived she was very into the job, gung-ho, and would do things that she has let slide now. For example, the kids beds and their rooms. She used to make them nice and neat and make sure the rooms were tidied up. Or be up promptly at 7AM to help me get them ready for school.

Now, I see the bedsheets thrown sloppily together (i.e. today she didn’t notice there were no sheets on my younger son’s bed due to a mid-night accident, and did not replace the sheets, but merely put the spread back over a mattress pad).

She gets up at 7:15-7:20ish, goes gets lunches ready and doesn’t bother to come upstairs to help me get them ready any more. Many times I’ll find her dishes all around the house (cups, plates, etc.) from her meals not put away in the dishwasher. She minimally cleans up after them after they eat (i.e. crumbs and food everywhere), and doesn’t put a real effort into my son’s lunchbox like she used to. I have to remind her a lot to do things or put things away, or the like. It’s tiring.

Often I will find her watching a lot of TV, surfing the web, Netflix or shows streaming from her laptop. My children state that sometimes when they are downstairs playing, she’ll accompany them down there, and be with them, but spend the time on her laptop and not be interacting with them. A few months ago, I did confront her because she was letting them go down there and then spending the time upstairs on her computer. I asked her to not use the computer during working time, and so, according to my 6 year old, she now takes her laptop with her down there. The router is out in the open, and I’m not sure how to lock it down during the day.

She does a lot of playdates with other German au pairs, and their children. Particularly with my younger son during the time before she picks up the older son. From what I gather, the kids play while the two au pairs chat (one time they were playing in the yard while the au pairs watched from the deck). I’ve watched her when she is at the playground with my children (from afar) and she sits down at a bench while my children run around and play. I am disappointed that she doesn’t interact as much with my children.

I guess I’ve seen a slide in effort and more and more laziness and lack of caring in taking care of stuff. I’m not sure how to approach it. I’ve asked her to do certain things, and she does fix those certain things LITERALLY. She doesn’t make the jump connection to related issues.

I really don’t want to rematch with her, but I would like some times to try to get the spark back / reduce the laziness. Perhaps she feels things can slide…or perhaps I need to speak up more. I do say things when I know she’s supposed to do things and doesn’t or correct things, but perhaps I should be doing more. She has mentioned that she loves it here and how great it is, and how she’s thinking of extending, but more and more, I’m thinking of not extending with her.

From Host Mom of Lazy AP:

Our au pair just gets lazier and lazier.

She no longer cleans up the playroom or puts the kids laundry away. I think she thinks that clothes and toys put themselves on shelves and in drawers?

She has complained that she doesn’t like how I talk with her when I bring up her tasks, but honestly I’m pretty annoyed. She also tells me she thinks that the children should be responsible for cleaning their rooms and putting their laundry away. This is fine, but someone has to take responsibility for letting it done. That should be her and not me.

There are many other things she’s not doing, including not washing her dishes, cooking only the most simple meals for the kids, and letting them watch too much tv. What should I do to get her to care? Is there anything that works?

See also:

Almost-done Au Pair Refuses to Work Weekends!

R.T.F.M.: Making Sure Your Au Pair Reads the Family Manual

Probably the biggest downside to the extension option is the possibility for a mismatch between the family’s interest in extending and the au pair’s interest in extending.

When both sides don’t clearly share the same expectation, someone is bound to get disappointed. And, when people are disappointed, they often withdraw from a relationship and leave the whole thing to disintegrate.

Disappoint an au pair who was hoping for an extension, and you might be facing a sullen, unmotivated au pair for the rest of the year.

If you have an au pair who’s only okay, or one who really isn’t able to meet your needs, you absolutely don’t want to extend with her/him. But, if this very same au pair would herself/himself like to extend, how do handle possibly dissapointing the au pair when you still have several months before the end of the au pair’s time with you?

Usually, your best option when you can’t (or won’t) do what your au pair is hoping for is to “blame the system“.

1. Find something that really is an obstacle but that has nothing to do with your au pair or is simply beyond your au pair’s control.

2. Present that as the reason for not extending, and then there is no one to blame and not option to try to dissuade you.

For example, “Next year, we need an au pair who can drive on the highway to take DearChild to soccer games twice a week.” Or

“We’re planning to take our au pair with us on a long trip outside the USA, and we don’t want to take the chance that you’ll be denied re-entry into the US.”

TexasThreeTimeHostMom wrote with this concern, and shared the details of her situation. She’s pretty sure her au pair is not going to take this well.

Our au pair has been with us for 3 months. We’re her second family (she was a rematch). She’s 26. She thinks she is quite good at English but we struggle with her understanding simple instructions (we’re writing everything down if it is important!). Our au pair is very focused on using people/activities as a means to her ends rather than connecting…i.e. this person is a good friend for me because he is an English teacher. And, our two children are still not fond of the au pair. They do ok together during the day, but their bond is not strong during off hours/family time.

I have explained in detail that our au pair that she needs to be ready to engage our twins when we hand them off to her in the morning, but the children and the au pair struggle frequently with morning transitions. Instead of finishing her breakfast or preparing snacks for later, we want the au pair to engage the kids to prevent the standard 2 year old temper tantrum when mom and dad leave.

Our au pair is also a poor driver. She claimed she has a drivers license from a different US state in her previous placement, and she claimed that she was a frequent driver for 5 years. Not the case…turns out her home family has never even owned a car (OMG how did I not get this during our interviews?). Because she’s really not a strong driver, we’ve significantly limited places she can go with our children.   I paid over $300 for driving lessons when she rematched with us, to no avail.

Long story short, we’re getting through it, but we’re not thrilled. We’re looking forward to getting a new au pair at the end of July when our current au pair’s time is up.

Here’s my challenge – I am 100% sure I do not want to extend with her, and I’m pretty sure she wants to extend. She’s made friends here and we’re really a good placement – two kids, car access, nice home, short work week, generally friendly.

On top of this, my husband and I are coming up on a unique 10 week sabbatical from work. We’ve so been hoping to have a helpful and fun au pair to travel with us – we’re going out of the country and on a US driving trip.

I need to tell our au pair soon that we don’t want to extend, but I want her to be happy and helpful (as much as possible) so we don’t end up frustrated and annoyed during the rest of her time with us. We don’t have time to rematch right now to take the risk on another mess before our time off.

My husband and I have discussed different approaches as to telling her why we don’t want to extend, including:

“We want our daughter sto learn Spanish or Portuguese” (true, but not the main reason),

“We think, at 26, and you being a smart and motivated woman, you will not be challenged enough during another year of caring for a 2.5 year old and it is time to move on.” (also likely true, but something she can deny), or t

The brutal truth which I think is only likely to cause her heartache and us challenges over the next four months – we really need an au pair who connects with our children and is a safe, experienced driver.

I would love advice and insight from host moms who have been here and done this already!

How can I tell her that we are satisfied with her today (really, its not going to get that much better) but we do not want to extend and it is time to move on?

Thanks in advance for your ideas – TexasThreeTimeHostMom

Image: Texas Some rights reserved by xTrish

You do.

Car insurance is one of the many ‘other’ costs that host parents incur when they have an au pair.

Host parents who need the au pair to drive a car as part of his or her work duties obviously pay for the car insurance, just as they pay for the gas and for the tuition at the Music & Me class.

Host parents who offer access to a car as part of the perks of being with the host family (and, frankly, as a way to let an au pair maintain an independent social life) also pay for car insurance.

Offering an au pair the use of a car without her or him being insured to drive it is like offering the au pair a car with only three wheels.

Your au pair can’t drive legally in a car with three wheels and your au pair can’t drive legally in your family car without insurance.

If the Au Pair’s Driving Record Increases Your Costs

The only time it’s appropriate for an au pair to pay for part of the car insurance is if that au pair has had an accident that has caused the insurance premium to rise during that au pair’s year with you. Then, it seems fair that the au pair would pay the incremental additional cost.

For example, if the insurance for the au pair had been $300 and rose to $500 after a fender-bender, it would be fair to have the au pair pay the additional $200.

Because the car insurance premium is one of those ‘other’ costs, it’s usually only something the host parents are aware of. That’s too bad, because the ability to drive a car that is insured is a real perk, and a privilege, that most host parents want their au pairs to appreciate.

Discuss the full costs of your au pair’s driving privileges with your au pair.

When you sit down with your au pair to talk over car rules, driving expectations, and family car managment, this can be a good time to share with your au pair a breakout of the ‘other’ costs involved in having him or her use the car. You might mention the costs of additional insurance, additional wear and tear (which can often be shared in a cost per mile figure), and depreciation in value as the mileage is racked up by late night drives from one Starbucks to another.

You can also use this time to discuss some of the other ‘other’ costs of providing a car for your au pair, including the extra effort it might take to corordinate the schedules of several drivers, what a drag it is when the car is parked in the wrong place, and your general worries about your au pair’s saftey in the car.

The point is not to make the au pair feel guilty about being a burden or costing you money  — so don’t lay it on too think. And, be sure that if you *do* harbor any resentment about these extra costs, you deal with that resentment before you talk with your au pair.

Driving is a privilege. That’s certainly true. But it’s only a privilege when you provide your au pair with a safe, legal, and insured car to drive.

Insuring my au pair on my car insurance increases my premium by ~$300/year. Does the au pair pay or the host family? She will be driving the children as part of her work week but will also have access to use the car for pleasure. What do you think? ~ MGMom

See also:

Auto Insurance: Is your AP on your policy?
Using Your Car is a Privilege, not an Entitlement: Best practices
When your Au Pair has a Fender-Bender — Who pays, and what, and how?
After the Car Accident: Advice on what to talk about with your Au Pair
Want Safe Driving? Forbid your Au Pair to use the cellphone in the car. Period.

Image: What’s The Deductible? ??? Some rights reserved by 1f2frfbf on Flickr

Several times a year we get an email from an au pair who is trapped in an unhappy host family home. The family might be recovering from some tragedy– the loss of a parent, a scary illness, money problems. The parents might be estranged or divorcing, or there might be issues with alcohol abuse and verbal abuse. Host parents can be downright mean, moody and depressive, or all-but-absent.

Whatever the reason for the family’s unhappiness, an unhappy home is a bad place to be an au pair.

Some au pairs are able to manage being in an unhappy home.

• They can detach emotionally or simply hold their breath while they’re on duty.

• They can re-craft their responsibilities so that they make themselves the source of brightness for the host kids.

• They can become actively involved as a positive force for helping the family pain heal. And,

• They can get caught up in the drama and add to it themselves.

It all depends.

What do we advise these au pairs?

When I put myself in the shoes of these au pairs, I usually want to tell them to rematch. I don’t thing that most 19 to 24 year old’s have the ability to protect themselves from the collateral damage that they can experience in an unhappy home. Unless the cause of the problem is something that is healing or can heal, I think au pairs should cut their losses.

But, when I put myself in the shoes of the host child(ren), I want to tell the au pair to stay. if the au pair has a good relationship with the kids, if s/he can indeed be a buffer or a positive force, then I hope s/he can find a way to stay so that the emotional damage to the children is mitigated by the support of a kind caregiver.

First stop for unhappy Au Pairs? The LCC

This is the kind of issue, too, where the burden and maybe blame falls to the LCC and/or the agency. After all, they are supposed to vet each host family to make sure that these are emotionally and physically safe environments ofr au pairs. of course, host parents can and do hide their problems from LCCs, and problems can crop up after families are in the program. Still, the first place an au pair should go is to his or her LCC. The LCC should help the au pair evaluate the situation, and get him or her into rematch if that’s warranted.

Still I wonder — How/

Can we help au pairs inthese situations to make a good decision to stay or go?

What should they consider?

Below, is a long, thoughtful email that we received from an au pair in an unhappy host home.

If you have some suggestions for her, please do share these in the comments.

Dear AuPairMom,

I don’t know where to turn, and I hope you can help. I have been with my host family for almost two months. While I was lucky and able to meet the family (excluding the father) prior to my start date, I of course only saw the family and the children at their best!

First, let me preference this by saying, I really REALLY do like this family. They have been kind, welcoming and I think for the most part the transition to living with them full time has been mostly smooth (obviously there were little things here and there but I will blame them on jet lag and they had nothing to do with the children).

Ok, so here is my problem. I have agreed to be with the family until June. However, there have been a lot of issues ( not involving me) within the family that have made me continually stressed and worried. Let me preference this by saying I work minimal hours – three days a week for four hours each day and two days a week 8 hours, and weekends off. I never go out on the weeknights as I don’t want to disturb the family by coming in when they are asleep and I feel for the most part we have had a very good give and take relationship.

1. The children. I of course fell in love with them from almost the minute I met them. I truly LOVE children. However, they are extremely spoiled, scream when they do not get exactly what they want and can be extremely abusive to each other. One of them has these fits of rage so violent that I have to take the little one and put her in my room until the elder calms down. Luckily the elder one is very slight as I would worry about my own safety should she be bigger. The parents give in to them 100% of the time. Last night they refused to eat dinner.

Instead of being made by the parents to eat dinner they were offered treat cakes and watched spongebob. This is not the first time this has happened. Sugar is used as bribe and a way to make them “calm” down (we are talking spoonfuls of sugar in their tea, and maybe 3 snack cakes BEFORE dinner with some chocolate milk thrown in there for good measure). They don’t want to do homework? Ok, later. (which ends up being 9pm – and the little one is 6). If we are playing in the girls room and the mom enters and they don’t want her there they scream “LEEEEEAVEEE” (in their language) and she leaves – no questions asked. There are no rules here. Mostly I try to love them and provide SOME structure for them, however, without the parents support I can do nothing. (And disciplining them – like timeout – is a no go as they will run to their parents who will let them watch a movie or feed them some more sugar)

2. This is my true worry and concern: the parents (the children are a product of their parents actions and it is not the children’s fault that they cannot cope with this tense and unstructured home – I just try to pour on the love). The parents are continually arguing and bickering and there is no consistency between them. They will undermine each other right there in front of the children. They ignore each other and often completely ignore the children (even after being out of town for days and days they will not say hello to the kids, etc., the kids watch tv from 7pm until bedtime and no one ever talks to them during this time…). When the whole family is home together there is this tension in the air, and if I can feel it, I know the children can feel it.

As I mentioned my hours are really easy, lately, however, they will casually bring up “oh we are both out of town on Saturday”- implying that I will need to work on Saturday too (why can’t they just say “X we will need you on Saturday, is that ok?”). I feel that we are a family of sorts and so I try to be really flexible – I’m not going to say NO way- but I don’t understand why they can’t be more comfortable just asking me. I have stayed in contact with the old Au Pair and she didn’t have any where to escape to on the weekends (I leave late Friday night and return Sunday night or Monday am. It helps me to be excited about the upcoming week) so I wonder if they are just assuming that I should be around?

This is not a happy home. I am not a child. I am in my mid twenties and come from a loving home with guidelines. Of course my parents fought (we were after all a regular family!) however, it was never like this – I knew my parents ultimately loved each other.

Part of me worries that for my mental health I need to unmatch with this family – the other part feels that I’m greatly needed by this family. (Their previous Au Pair said it was the most trying time in her life and it brought her closer to God). I cannot abandon them. I feel for the parents and the children. I don’t want to disrupt the children’s lives anymore by leaving them. And, sometimes, in these rare moments things are ok (its always when the parents aren’t together… and we are enjoying a moment solo with one of the parents).

I am so lost. I feel like I’ve almost been brought into the house to be a buffer, so that the parents don’t have to be alone with each other. If I try to have a more open communication with the mom she always says “Don’t worry, don’t worry.” BUT I AM WORRIED! These are her children’s lives (and mine!). I am witnessing a family falling apart and the kids being left to their own way to medicate themselves: sugar and tv.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Images: Lies and Empty Dreams Some rights reserved by ro_buk [I'm not there] on Flickr

It can be kindof amazing when a former au pair comes back to visit. 

You remember her when, and she remembers you, and now everyone has grown and changed (usually for the better!). Depending on how things were when your au pair departed, and where you are as a family and as a parent, your au pair’s return can be easy, or stressful.

What can you do to make your au pair’s visit great for everyone?

I loved it when one of our au pairs came back for a month-long visit.

She was on her way to a summer job as a camp counselor, and wanted to spend some time in her old stomping ground seeing old friends. We were without an au pair at that point, as so our former au pair just moved back into the au pair room, and nearly picked up where she’d left off two years before.

Her visit was wonderful all around — she had a place to stay and a home base for lots of visiting. She pitched in with a bit of babysitting. (Unpaid, and her effort to repay us for “all the Diet Coke she was drinking”.) Hosting her was also pretty easy– she already knew where things were, how things unfolded, what she could do to help, and more. I was happy to let her use the car, and I honestly didn’t mind when she came in late at night and creaked up to the third floor. The kids loved having her around and were excited to show off all the things they’d learned and all the ways they’d grown up.

That we had no other au pair for her to crowd out, overshadow, or coordinate with, and that we had the space, were part of what made her visit easy. But, truth is, I loved having her company, and I was sad to let her go again.

When we got this email, below, from HerFormerHostMom, I wasn’t able to think of too many expectations I’d want to set. It sounds just like our situation was, which was so smooth that I can’t even imagine any hiccups that I might have had to prepare for. But, I expect it’s not that easy with every returning au pair.

Dear AuPairMom –

Our fantastic au pair left us last summer after her year was up. We loved her and miss her very much. She has just let us know that she has a month off in the summer and was wondering if she could stay with us for a bit.

We are thrilled that we’ll get to see her, but definitely would like some tips on how to set up the visit and manage expectations. She was very responsible and I suspect would not take advantage of us in anyway, but I know that I would like to set up some expectations before the visit starts.

Does anyone have tips for when an au pair comes back to visit?

What advice would you give this mom, as she prepares to have her former au pair visit?

Image: Rachael Some rights reserved by PhotoCo.

Dear Au Pair Mom,

I really love to read your blog, and have been reading it for a few months now, back when I started on my quest to become an Au Pair. And now for the first time I’m writing to you for advice.

I have just moved to my host family and have been here for 2 weeks, and I love everything here so far, my host parents are amazing and so generous and have done everything they can to make me feel at home and welcome. The two kids and 2 and a half and a four year old boys. That’s where my problem lies.

I feel like I have placed my self in a situation I didn’t realize I wasn’t prepared for.

The boys are really great but they are so hard to handle and take care of as they never listen, they don’t take discipline seriously and continuously fight with each other. I also find that they are spoilt and have a really bad attitude.

The way I handle them is so different to the parents, who are so patient with them. I don’t have any patience with them when they throw a tantrum. That is how I was raised, and many other kids I have cared for have been bought up the same way.

As they are younger, they are only in school two mornings a week so I practically have them full time.

I feel like I have over estimated myself with what I can manage as I haven’t had hardly any experience with children this age and my host parents knew that from my application. I now find myself in the position where I am wishing I had older children.

I am undecided on how to approach this because I love everything here — except taking care of the kids, which is the reason why I am here.

I don’t want to risk a rematch (and I know it’s too early for that anyway) because I’m scared I won’t find a family as great as the one I already have and I have already made some great friends in this town, but I find myself close to tears a lot of the time because I struggle so much with the kids and I am really homesick.

So I was hoping you had some advice for me, and what I can do to make this situation better, because sometimes I feel that I might be staying here for the wrong reasons and maybe this is not what I should be doing..

Thanks again, New Au Pair

Image: Must Change Attitude by Mary Englebrecht. But the question is— how?

Hi AuPairMom,

We are welcoming our first au pair in about 3 weeks, and we are very excited.

Your blog really helped us decide that this was the right type of child care for our family. We need someone with scheduling flexibility, because we have an always-changing, somewhat odd work week.

I have to leave for work at 6:00 am to get to the hospital in time for the start of my shifts. My husband travels a couple days a week for work, so he is often not home overnight and thus not able to take on ‘early morning’ childcare.

It’s been very difficult to finding someone to come to our house in the early morning. It had come to the point where we were begging, bribbing, and hiring less skilled child care providers just to get someone to be in the house before I left for work in the morning.

A big reason for choosing an au pair as a caregiver is the flexibility of having a live-in person. It’s so much easier to be ‘on duty’ in the early morning if you can be ‘on duty’ in your pajamas.

My concern, though, is whether I should wake our au pair up before I leave for work.

In the past, I liked seeing the sitter’s (tired) face before I left for work. I could be sure that someone was there, and I could quickly go over what needed to be done that day.  Now that we will have someone living in our house, I am not sure if I really need to have her awake and ready for the children as early as 5:45 am. Our children (ages 6 and don’t normally get out of bed until 7:15 am, so the only reason for the au pair to be awake that early is for me to confirm that she’s home and that’s she’s up.

I want to be respectful of the au pair’s needs — and I’m not sure she ‘needs’ to be up at 5:45.

But, if I don’t see her in the morning, how do I know she is actually home?

• What if she stayed out all night and hasn’t made it back?
• What if something hast happened to her?
• What if she sleep through her alarm and the kids are late for school?

I know totally irrational thoughts probably, but I have heard a couple horror stories.

       - Should I just have her call/text me when she is awake and ready to start her day about 7:00am?

       - Should I make a curfew so I know she is in the house the night before?

       - Should I just make her get up at the crack of dawn and hope she doesn’t hate me?

I already made sure that our new aupair is a morning person. Of course, I hope I am getting a wonderful, responsible au pair, but I can’t help being a bit cautious before she gets here, and I get to know her better.

I would love to hear how other host moms and dads handle this situation. ~ EarlyBirdMom

Image: UpCycled Felted Wool Bird, by ForMyDarling, available on Etsy

If only the distinction between “real concerns” and “nit-picky concerns” were clearcut, we’d never need to share ideas with each other!

We all seem to face, at some point or another, that question: Am I being unreasonable, or are my concerns legit? We have to address this question before we take any action, like asking our au pair to change his or her behavior, or changing our guidelines, or adjusting our expectations. And absolutely, we much be confident with our answer before we initiate rematch.

So I’m cruising my way down this email, asking “nit-picky or not?” and thinking at points 1, 2, 3, 4, & 5 that the concerns are legit and that the host mom should talk with her au pair about these. And then I got to #6, and by #7 I was feeling pretty clear about what I’d advise.

But you read it through yourself, and respond in the comments.

Dear AuPairMom,

We are a first time host family of me, my husband, two girls who are 4 and 1 years and we have a 21 year old French Au Pair, who has been living with us since the end of October (going on 3 months now). Our Au pair is a sweet girl but we seem to be having lots of little issues with her that are piling up into big ones.

Here is the background story anyway. We decided to host an Au Pair because we liked the idea of the kids having a special someone to take care of them while we were at work, and we needed the flexibility because I had just taken a job on a farm which required sometimes long hours due to the nature of the work, and daycare hours didn’t fit with us. We went through an Au Pair company, and it took us ages to find one due to us living in the country. When we did get our Au Pair, it was only because of a rematch where her original host family’s son had gotten ill and the mother needed to stay home from work to care for him long term. I was assured by the agency that it was not due to her performance.

We made sure that the Au Pair knew that the hours would be long, however she was only required to look after the children when both parents were at work (HD often finished early), and that she would be paid at the agreed rate of $8 an hour for every hour of childcare over the alloted 25 hours for $150.00 as per the agency agreement. [cv's note: this host mom is in the UK] We also made sure she knew that the area was isolated from the city (about 300km from a capital city), however there were lots of backpackers around that she could socialise with.

When she first got here she planned all these activities with the kids and I made sure we went shopping for art and craft stuff and games for the kids and gave her brochures about library storytime, tourist activities and playgroups. I took her out to the local pub a few times to meet other people while my husband looked after the kids and encouraged her to go and meet other people, so she wouldn’t feel isolated. Everything was great to start with, but has since gone pear shaped.

Unfortunately 6 weeks after starting my new job and the Au Pair, my horrible new boss fired me because of my family responsibilities and because I refused to work 12 hour days and weekends. My husband had to go back to working away to support us and I managed to get a night/day job in a local hotel. Now my husband works away for one week then stays home for a week, and I have a very erratic roster that changes each week and sometimes involves nights, sometimes days and always every weekend. I think she understands that my roster changes all the time and there is nothing I can do about it, and I have told her that she is not required to work at all when my husband is home except when we botbh have an event on, e.g. he is playing cricket on a Saturday and I am working. However, I still pay her $150/week for the 25 hours, regardless of whether she works them or not, which I think is fair enough.

The problems are mostly small but many. I don’t mean to be picky, I really do like her but I am terrible with dealing with conflict and don’t know how to approach it.

1. She almost cost me $3000 in excess usage charges on the internet.

We live in the country, and I only had 7GB of data, which was specified in the Handbook. After receiving the first bill for $2000 just before christmas because she was downloading movies and watching streaming TV, I told her that the internet was to be used for general browsing, Facebook and occasionally Skype only – NO MOVIE/TV. She apologised and agreed. Luckily I got the amount credited because of a glitch in the system which should have alerted me to the excess usage, and now the alerts are in place. I know she felt really bad and it was a mistake because she assumed that it was the same as in France, so I was very understanding about it and told her I didn’t expect her to pay for it because it was a mistake. She was upset because she thought I would rematch her, but I explained to her that we value her and wouldn’t do that.

2. She spends all her time on the internet still.

When I had a closer look at the bill, I discovered that she had been on the net for 7-10 hours at a time, when she was supposed to be looking after the kids. I haven’t approached her about this yet, I just now disconnect the router whenever I leave the house. Sometimes I use the computer on my lap when the kids are around, however I also run a small on,line business and am capable of spending 5 min answering emails then 15 min playing with my kids. Even now since I disconnect it each time – when I get home she still has her laptop up playing a game or watching a movie or something.

3. I have tried to teach her to cook but it doesn’t sink it.

Egg, rice and a little bit of vegies is not a meal. When I cook a meal, it must have meat, vegetables and then carbs like a pasta or rice. I have shown her how to make stir-frys and cook steak but she doesn’t eat a lot of meat herself so she doesn’t seem to cook it for the kids. Even sandwiches for lunch are fine, as long as they are substantial.

4. She is dodging paying for her own fuel.

She met another French guy who became her boyfriend. At one stage she was driving out to his house (because he didn’t own a car) every night, often driving him to the pub and other towns. I explained to her more than once that it costs us $20 in fuel everytime she drove out and back (70km round trip), and that she must pay that each time she does the trip, She would often dodge it, saying she put fuel in the car or not putting the full amount in. She would often stay overnight or come home at 1-2am but that didn’t bother me as long as it didn’t interfere with her work. (However she has been slightly late several times and I detest lateness).

5. She doesn’t give us any space

Since the boyfriend is now travelling Australia, she spends all her free time at home, and usually in the loungeroom with me and the kids. I have to go to my room to get any privacy. I have had Pay TV installed in her room, we have wireless internet, and she has a nice big room but she prefers to spend her time with us, which is ok some of the time but not all, especially when my husband is home. Now in this – it is awesome that she helps me out all the times but it seems like that if she is home, she is working, which isn’t necessary. I am not paying her to look after the children when I am there because I can do it. I feel guilty because she seems to think she has to help all the time, even though I have told her that it isn’t required. Although, at times it would be nice to ask her to take the kids for an hour while I do some painting – (I sell my art online), but I feel guilty if I were to do this too.

6. She seems to dislike my older daughter.

DD1 is 4 and not an easy child. I love her but she has my sort of personality and is a highly strung, argumentative, tantrum throwing, often disrespectful child that can be difficult to entertain. Even I struggle with her at times, but I demand total respect, politeness and manners from her at all times. I deal with her tantrums by giving her time out but like all parents, sometimes I lose it too. We struggled from an early age because I had PND (post-partum depression, in the USA) and never truly bonded with her.

7. I have pulled the AP up twice now for yelling at DD1 to “Shut up!”

I have lost it once or twice and used those words but apologised straight away – and I have told her to do the same – but it’s not acceptable. DD1 and AP seem to always be bickering and I am sick of listening to it – she tells her off for the tiniest little things, even when I am home and it annoys me…. I am the parent not her! It gets to the point where I have to tell DD1 to leave AP alone! DD1 seems to like stirring her up too and AP’s disdain is starting to show. In contrast, AP loves my youngest, DD2 who is 1 and still in that adorable stage. She often cuddles her to sleep (much to my dismay as I am trying to teach her to go to sleep by herself in her cot).

My husband is starting to dislike her because he is very very protective of DD1 in particular (she is a daddy’s girl), but lets me deal with AP because he thinks I am more diplomatic. I am unsure what to do though – I am terrible with conflict but think I need to suck it up and deal with it.

I know I am not the best parent and may not always set the best example but I try my hardest. I struggle with depression and anxiety, medication helps but does not eliminate it dramatically. I sometimes have bad days where I cannot cope with the children and need some space. I struggle to deal with conflict because I sometimes have a Panic attack when attempting to bring up issues.

I feel terrible, because I like her even if her behavior annoys the hell outta me sometimes. But like any mother, my family must come first. Cheers, Ellie

Image: Chasing the chickens, on Flickr Some rights reserved by Troy B Thompson

And speaking of trying to maintain some privacy around ones adult social life,

Here’s an email that has me completely stumped.  How do they stay “host parents” to their au pair, and friends with their friend, and have any separate adult social life?

We really need your ideas here, folks.

Dear Au Pair Mom,

I am in desperate need of advice. First, I want to give you a little background on our Au Pair and our family. I am a 37 year old stay at home mother of four boys, ages 9, 5, 2 and 4 months. My husband works from home and is closely involved in our day to day lives. Our 5 year old son has a severe epilepsy syndrome and requires constant care. Because we have 3 little ones that always need to be watched, we have hired two au pairs to live with us this year. We have a 20 year old au pair from South America who speaks English very well and a 24 year old au pair from Thailand who speaks English moderately well. My issue is with our South American au pair.

She has been absolutely amazing in every way…she loves our kids, is always eager to help out, has the same religious beliefs as we do and is so conscientious in her work.

Yesterday, I dropped her off at the airport because she is taking a long weekend trip to visit her friends. Later that day, one of my husband’s closest friends came over and said he had to talk to us about our Au Pair. Uh oh.

In the past, we had some trouble with a nanny we had for 3 years…found out she was not at all what we thought she was. So my first thought was that our South American Au Pair had done something really horrible…I never would have imagined what he was going to say!

It turns out that, over the past few weeks, he has been giving our au pair a ride to the gym because they both took spinning classes. He had told us before that he just drops her off and they don’t even speak to each other while they are at the gym.

But things between them are more serious than he’d let on….

Yesterday, he told us that every night this week, they had spent all night at the beach together. And, on their last night together, she had told him she loved him. His feelings for her are not as strong, but he does like her. He is single and 27 years old. He didn’t seem to think that either of them had done anything wrong by sneaking off to spend time together…that her personal life is her business. But now that things are more serious, he wanted to let us know.

I am absolutely blown away by this and really don’t know what to do. If we didn’t know her and he had introduced her to us as his girlfriend, we would have been happy for him…concerned that she is so young…but happy…because she is an amazing girl. But this is different.

One of the ways my husband and I make having au pairs in our house work is by having a clearly defined line between them and us. We are very friendly and helpful – I believe that both au pairs are happy with us. But our personal life is ours! So now I’m left wondering how to navigate this.

I can’t help but feel betrayed by both of them…why didn’t they come to us before they started sneaking around our backs? Why did she go after my husband’s best friend? He is our friend, and a grown man….why would he do this?

If I tell them that if she wants to keep her job, they can’t see each other anymore, then I’m the bad guy. But how do we navigate them dating? How can I ask her to go take care of my kids while he is over at our house having dinner with us?

I feel like they have put us in an impossible position.   It totally changes the dynamic.

My husband feels like the damage is already done and maybe everything will be ok if we just let it play out. But I’m angry at both of them and don’t know how to rebuild trust. I wish you could see a picture of our lives…my son has between 8 and 20 seizures a night and is at constant risk for sudden death. We have a very difficult and stressful life. And this is the last thing I need right now.

Thank you for any advice you can give me.

Image: There is no such thing as privacy, on Flickr Some rights reserved by Ben Husmann