Do you think it’s appropriate to ask an au pair to got to your kids’ school and help out at a birthday event there, for someone else’s kids?

Here’s the email that prompts the question:

Dear AuPairMom -

I am mostly satisfied with the family I am working for. We’ve had a few problems but nothing that you don’t expect with living in a new house with new people.

Usually I go along with what is asked of me, but today I agreed to do something that I don’t feel sure about. Agreeing to do it has bugged me ever since, but I am not sure whether it is right of me to question it. Here is the situation:

My normal routine on a Friday is to pick the younger girl up from school at Midday and the older child at 2.45pm. Today, the whole class of the younger child has been invited to a birthday party arranged by the parents of 2 boys who are also in the class. The birthday kids’ parents have arranged a nice lunch at school (usually the kids eat at home on Friday afternoons). After lunch, the birthday kids’ parents will put all the kids on a bus to take them to the party destination.

My HM told me this morning that I should go into the school at 12 and ‘help the kids eat their lunch because there will be lots of children’.

Since both sets of birthday kids’ parents will be there, I’m not sure why they want me to do. The kids eat lunch at school Mon-Thurs it’s not like they are uncomfortable with eating at school. I don’t exactly see what I would be needed to do, short of lifting sandwiches to the children’s mouths!

I always help out at birthday parties of my own host kids, but I distinctly do not recall any other parents sending over their Au Pairs to lend a hand. (We’re in an affluent area with a lot of au pairs.)

I feel a bit frustrated with the situation. Partly, I’m not sure whether I am just frustrated at having to break up my day (which could have been used for something useful). But also, I’m wondering if doing this kind of task is outside of what’s normal to ask of an au pair duties. There have been a few similar situations before, where I’ve ended up standing around awkwardly because there is nothing to do. Still, I’ve been expected to be there.

How can I express this to my HM without sounding rude? I’m not unwilling to do this, but it doesn’t seem completely right. Since the party is today, I’m going to go even though I’d prefer not to. But, I hope to discuss the issue with my host parents later.

I’d appreciate any advice the AuPairMom readers might give. Thanks — ZD

Image: ricracandbuttons on Etsy

We host parents often find ourselves wishing that our au pairs could just *tell us* when something is bothering them. We can only address things we know about– and if something is wrong and you keep quiet about it, the problem keeps simmering.

This is true with bigger issues (too much texting) and smallish issues (leaving tissues on the counter).  Here’s a situation many of us are familiar with — someone’s watching TV, and someone else thinks that (at 12:30 at night) the TV might be a little too loud.

A Host Mom writes:

Last night, my husband was watching a movies downstairs in the family room. It was 12:30 at night.
My aupair went downstairs and asked him to turn the volume down and he did. But this morning he complained about it to me.

While he was upset at the request, he complied because in his words ‘ she drives my kids to school in the morning and I don’t want her to have an accident and claim that she did not get enough sleep.’

I was asleep at the time and the TV did not bother me. Our bedroom is right next to the 2 story family room. Her room is further away.

I think her request is unreasonable and disrespectful.

What do you think?

Dear Host Mom,

I have completely different perspective on the situation you describe.

I think your au pair should be congratulated for recognizing that she was being bothered by something, recognizing that this could be changed, and courageously going downstairs to talk with your spouse about turning down the volume.

I also think that your spouse should be congratulated. He recognized that the au pair needed her sleep, that she was struggling with getting to sleep, and that there was something that he could do that might make a difference. He also reflected on her situation and was compassionate.

Moreover, he responded in the moment, and waited to do problem-solving or to share negative feedback, until a later time.

Both of their actions sounded like a good attempt to resolve a problem. So, why characterize the Au Pair’s behavior (and hers alone) as “unreasonable” and “disrespectful”?

Let’s look at each piece of the criticism that her request was 1) unreasonable and 2) disrespectful.

Was her request unreasonable?

Considering that it was already past midnight, it makes sense that someone would expect the house to be reasonably quiet. Also, it makes sense that if she was trying to go to sleep, audible noise from the television would be bothersome. So, taking her perspective, it seems very reasonable to me that she would have asked him to turn down the volume.

From his perspective, was her request reasonable? He might think it was not, but then again, how sure is he that the volume of the TV wasn’t too loud?

Few people sitting in front of a television have any idea how well that television can be heard in the rest of the house. Very rarely do we turn on the TV to the volume we like, and then walk to a far bedroom to see if the sound travels. Most people aren’t thinking about it– they’re just thinking about whether the TV is loud enough for *them*.

Most people have no idea how loud their television might seem to other people.

You say that you weren’t awakened by the TV, and that your room is closer to the television room, but your experience is not a fair proxy for your au pair’s experience.

Not only are you two different people with two different sensitivities, the experience of the noise is not necessarily the same. Whether that sound is loud enough to wake the sleeping person is not the same as whether sound is too loud to permit a tired person get to sleep.

Second, the physical distance from one room to another doesn’t always predict how easy it is for sound to travel from one room to another. The distance from the television room to the bedroom is not directly proportional to how much the sound carries or not. A lot of sound transmission has to do with pathways (e.g, hallways, hollow walls, air vents) and their shapes.

Also, understand that a “loud” ( or , audible in another room) television at 10 o’clock at night feels very different from a loud television after midnight. After midnight, there are fewer noises outside and inside to muffle the sound of the television. And, after midnight, the person trying to get sleep is more and more anxious about whether they’ll ever get to sleep and whether they’ll be able to get enough sleep to be to function well the next day.

So, from the perspective of the television watcher, it’s not clear whether the request to turn down the volume was unreasonable or not. You need to do some research on. (More on that later)

Was her request disrespectful?

You didn’t mention any issues with the tone, language or phrasing of her request, so assuming that she asked kindly and without showing anger or annoyance, I’d bet that she did her best to be respectful.

Indeed, she might even have been nervous about making the request, and might have had to muster up some courage to go say something to her boss/host dad that was in any way critical of him.

From your husband’s perspective, though, the sheer fact of her asking him to change his behavior might have seemed disrespectful.

Some parents don’t like to be asked to change their behavior by someone subordinate to them. Some television watchers don’t like to be made aware that their entertainment is impinging on someone else’s experience — it makes them feel bad. I think if I were your spouse, I would’ve been annoyed at being asked to change my behavior because I was probably, finally, just having a chance to relax after a hard day.

Was her request disrespectful? I wouldn’t assume so.

Here are three things I suggest going forward.

1. Conduct the “Can you hear me now?” Test

First, determine empirically what the TV volume limit should be.

One quiet evening, you and your husband should test different volume levels on your television. One of you stays in the TV room while the other stands in the au pair’s room (and other rooms). Vary the volume to find what setting is high enough that it can be heard in the room and what volume setting is low enough that it can no longer be heard. Take note of this and use that as your guideline for watching the television.

Just for the sake of reference, in my house it’s “20″ for reruns of The Matrix and The 300, and “22″ for the Colbert Report.

2. Conduct the “Other Person’s Shoes” Test

If your au pair had been the one with the TV that was too loud for you, how would you have responded? Would you have asked her to turn the TV down?

Would you have been annoyed or kind? Would all of your actions have been respectful and reasonable?

3. What’s the real annoyance?

Talk with your spouse about just what it was that annoyed him, and led him and you to conclude her seemingly reasonable request was “unreasonable and disrespectful”. What manner of request would have seemed more respectful? How could she have phrased things differently to seem more respectful? Once you know that, talk about this with her. You NEED to learn how to make requests of one another and accommodate to reasonable concerns– both ways.

Finally , ask “Is there more to the story, where this is just the final straw after several other annoyances you haven’t articulated?” A good host family-au pair relationship should be resilient enough to handle a situation like this one. It’s shouldn’t piss you off. If if does, you need to examine why. Is your au pair too persnickety, or are you too unyielding? Or both?

Your spouse did the kind thing by responding in the moment to your au pair’s concern. And, he did the right thing by waiting until the light of a new day to hash it out with you. Once you and he come to a deeper understanding of the issue together, then you can strategize about how to discuss this with your au pair AND how to address the real issues at play.

Host Parents and AuPairs- what do you think?

Image: Day OneHundredEight – Television from Edd Sowden

The help we need is the help we need. Depending on your situation as a host parent, you might need driving, or cooking help, or child-minding on weekends, or flexibility when a child is sick. We each ask our au pairs to help us with different childcare tasks. As long as the tasks are within the set of approved activities for au pairs, we imagine that we’re okay in asking for this help.

This new host mom needs help, she thinks her expectations are reasonable, and yet her Au Pair is balking.

This particular au pair already seems like she won’t work out, since she has not demonstrated a ‘can do, will do, want to’ attitude about her schedule and her responsibilities. But the question here isn’t whether the au pair has the right attitude (indeed, she may not). The question is, rather: Is this request fair?

Hi Au Pair Mom,

I have had my au pair for only 2 weeks and already there are a lot of problems. She is 21, from Brazil and her English is very poor. I am a single mother who owns a business and thus I have a lot of responsibilities, and I had hoped that getting an au pair could help me manage everything better.

My only son is 10 months old and goes to daycare from 9-4 every day, leaving my AP to have time to herself. Her schedule is to watch him 5-9, help out for 2 hours each morning (7-9) to help get him dressed and fed, and then work occasionally on weekends. She already has two whole weekends off a month when my baby is at his father’s house.

(Her first weekend I had set a curfew of 2 am (very generous, I thought!) but she didn’t get home until 3:40 am! Her first week!)

My son still needs a bottle a middle of the night bottle. Because my AP does not use all of her hours each week, I’ve asked her to sleep with the baby monitor and get up with him, three nights during the week. She is only responsible for getting up from 2 am to 4 am, so that adds just another 2 hours, most of which she is asleep. Even with this extra 6 hours, she still is not reaching her full amount of hours, and she has more time off than any of the other APs I’ve ever heard of.

She was extremely rude when I asked her to do the late night feedings, and told me that she refused to do so. She can be very passive aggressive most of the time and impolite. I really resent the fact that she can stay out until 3:40 am, yet she refuses to listen for a baby from 2-4am 3 nights a week.

I wonder, am I out of line asking her to do these hours? I am a single mother and I don’t think I’ve had a full night’s sleep in 10 months. I’m exhausted and need to get enough rest to run my business. I’m at my wit’s end.

1st Time HM

Dear 1st Time HM -

In the grand scheme of things, I’d suggest you start looking for a new au pair. A passive-aggressive, unpleasant au pair who is more dedicated to going out that to caring for your child just won’t work out in the long run. You will find it hard to get from her any positive, kind, and helpful assistance with your child. You probably don’t want your child to spend his time with an au pair who is a sourpuss. And, who needs that at home? With just yourself as the head of household, it’s you against her in setting the tone in your family, and you are already playing defense. So keep this in mind as we address the scheduling issue.

Is it fair to ask her to feed the baby in the middle of the night, 3 times a week, for the next few months?

In my opinion, it’s right on the edge of reasonable.

Au pairs don’t necessarily have the same sense of selfless devotion to a child as a parent might– which is appropriate, really, since the AP isn’t the parent. A parent has no choice but to go the extra mile. But for an au pair, the personal sleep sacrifice of being ‘on call’ for a night feeding is a hard sell. Still, as you mention, it’s only 3 times a week, she still has time in her weekly schedule, and you really need the help.

Emotionally, while I understand that you see her partying late at night as an indication that she can be awakened for other things, these aren’t equivalent. We all make different choices when it’s a “want to” rather than a “have to”. Plus, it seems that you might be resenting your au pair’s freedom and energy, because right now you have neither. Each of us hose parents knows how hard it is to be pinned in at home, every night, knowing you won’t be able to stay asleep until morning.

Technically, though, the way you have the schedule set up, you are breaking the rules. While not every au pair agency has an explicit limit on the number of times you can ‘break up’ an au pair’s work day, three chunks of work time is pushing the limit. If the chunks of time were separated by an hour for dinner or two hours for the gym or some kind of break that your au pair really wanted, that would be one thing. But between 9 and 2am is just a five hour break. Between 4 and 7 is a three hour break, and between 9 and 4 is just 7 hours.

There is no span of time where your au pair can have 8 hours of sleep — and it’s unfair to expect that she will sleep during the day. (She didn’t come to your house with the clear agreement to be on the night shift and to sleep during the day, did she?)

• You could try to eliminate the 7-9 am shift, three days a week, so that she could do the night feeding those three days and still get the chance to sleep in from 4 am to whenever…. This is still a rough schedule, but within the lines of reasonable.

• You could also try shifting your son’s bottle schedule– maybe give him a bottle at midnight and then have your au pair (or you) get up at 5:00 for another bottle, and asking your son to manage a 5 hour span between feedings (Of course, this may not be appropriate for him — but this may change as he grows).

So, in my opinion I think you need to reconsider what kind of schedule is appropriate, considering not just the sheer number of hours but also the ways that they are arranged and the quality of the break/sleep time in between.

Parents and au pairs, what do you think? Is it fair to schedule an au pair for a middle of the night feeding?

If no, why not? If yes, how?

Image: Some rights reserved by pfly

We don’t really have a good term to describe moms who work in the home taking care of their home & family 24/7.

Personally, I’m not a fan of the label “stay at home” mom, because it sounds like a command (Stay at home, mom!). And while work-at-home mom is descriptive– she’s a mom, working at home, right? — we reserve that term for moms who work for pay from their houses.

The problem of terminology points to a problem of legitimacy. We question the legitimacy of moms, work, paid work, unpaid work. And, we question the legitimacy of a mom’s (or dad’s) need for an extra set of caregiving hands when they, the parent, are “at home” all day.

Whether we are focus 100% of our time on family-related unpaid work, or we divide our time between paid and unpaid work in or out of our homes, moms who are at home (and dads who are at home) have a legitimate need for childcare help.

We sometimes unconsciously forget that these needs are legitimate, and certainly some people raise their eyebrows when they imagine you the ‘stay at home mom’ having 45 hours of au pair caregiving help so that you can, oh I don’t know, do yoga, eat chocolate, pay bills, care for an ailing parent, raise money for the PTA, train for your marathon, supervise kids’ educations, spend one-on-one time with each of your children, and stay emotionally healthy. Oh, right, and have a date night or two.

Once it’s established for you, your family, and your au pair that your need for childcare help is not to be challenged, the next issue is figuring out your relationship with your au pair.

If both the parent and the au pair are “at home” and available to be “on duty”,  how will you manage who does what, when?

Are you going to switch off, with one of you being ‘on duty’ with the children while the other is free to do other things?

This strategy requires that you train your au pair work independently,  you give her 99% authority, and let him or her work autonomously under your indirect supervision. That’s how most people do it, since that’s what’s required when the parents both work outside the home.

Or, do you plan to double-team, with the both of you working together?

This econd strategy requires that you and your au pair figure out a real-time partnering strategy, where it’s clear who has the decision making and directional authority. That’s much tougher to do, and I’m not quite sure how you get there.

Here’s an email from “Needs Another Set of Hands” who’d love our advice and insights on this challenge….

Hi Everyone-

I am a stay at home mom with 2 small children. I’ m wondering how other stay at home moms schedule the day so as to best utilize the au pair’s help. How do you do this without confusing the kids as to who has the authority, and without frustrating the au pair, while you the parent are always at home with the opportunity to give input or feedback frequently.

I have an au pair as a mother’s helper and babysitter to help me with my baby and toddler. She also helps when I need to run errands without the kids, or when I need to have a date night.

I am stay at home mom, because my partner and I wanted one of us to be at home and spend time with the kids. But I find that often, I’m doing dishes, cooking, cleaning the house, and so on while the au pair is in the back yard playing with the kids.

I understand that many of the household tasks I’m doing can’t be done by the au pair — she can’t do my laundry, my dishes, my vacuuming. But then I think, wow, I hired the au pair so I can have an extra hand to help with the kids, not to watch them while I do dishes/cook/clean all day!!

I get sad when I end up doing other stuff, cleaning at home when I could be spending quality time with the kids, ie: feeding the baby baby food, playing with the toddler at the park, reading the kids books. Sometimes I do need to cook and clean and I appreciate the au pair, taking the toddler on a walk, or watching the toddler and the baby while I cook or catch up on my bills, but I get frustrated when It seems all I do is other stuff, and the au pair spends more time with the kids than I do.

I was wondering if other stay at home moms, who do not work from home, utilize an au pairs help and schedule them to help so that everyone is happy, you, the kids and the au pair.

Here are a few ideas of how my au pair helps us that I found works well for me. Do other stay at home moms have ideas to share about how you work with your au pair as a stay at home mom, or while you are at home when not working at an outside job?

1. Au pair and I take kids to zoo or other outing: Au pair watches baby while I watch older kid. She helps prep diaper bags, and is another set of eyes to watch the kids while we are out.
2. Au pair watches toddler, when I need to take baby to doctors appt.
3. Au pair watches baby, while I take the toddler with me while I go grocery shopping, or out to frozen yogurt for some quality one-on-one time with the toddler
4. Au pair watches both kids while my hubby and I go on a date night
5. Au pair helps prep dinner, assisting me while I cook the dinner, as we both keep an eye on the kids
6. Au pair watches the kids, while I go to the gym and workout

Please let me know how other stay at home moms schedule the au pair to help them and if you have any suggestions, on how I can get the most out of this year at home with an au pair.

Thanks so much! Stay at home mom, who appreciates another set of hands around the house

See also– this great post from Deb Schwartz about managing two au pairs at a time. Many similar issues arise when trying to coordinate two au pairs:

Doubling Up on Au Pairs: Two Times the Challenge

On the flip side, don’t take all the fun stuff:

Share the Cream: Give your AP meaningful work to do

More on ‘stay at home’ moms with au pairs:

Starting out on the right foot, when you’re on maternity leave
Where to Begin: New Host Mom, New Au Pair

Images from Flickr: Two eggs for two girls from Drew Dalgliesh
Independence Day from Vicki & Chuck Rogers

A long time ago, I was experimenting with doing a vlog (a video post), but I never posted it because I looked kindof dorky. Also, a few months later, the lovely Susan Robinson of Cultural Care started her AuPairAnswerMom vlogs, and does them so well that I thought I’d just stick to text.

But then I got this email, below, from a Host Mom who’s interested in gift baskets (or Welcome Baskets) that are sent to incoming au pairs at Orientation.

Hi CV. I hope I’m not asking something that has already been asked, but I’m wondering how many families order the gift baskets at the au pair school. Our 4th au pair is arriving in March and we’ve never ordered the gift basket. Now we’re wondering if our girls feel totally left out. Our last AP said she didn’t care about it, and that the things in it weren’t anything she would want, but I’m now wondering if she was just being nice. What do other HFs do?

Thanks. I love the blog. It’s fascinating to see what others think about AP-related things.  Jenna

Since I already had this vlog, and post, somewhere in the hopper, here’s my answer. …
No laughing.

Back in the day (like, 12 years ago) sending a little giftie to your incoming au pair at orientation seemed like a nice thing to do.

I thought it might be nice for her to be welcomed, maybe with some mini-Snickers bars, some photos of the kids and a baseball cap, and get a little extra cash to pay for her snacks on her way down to Virginia. Plus I am a total sucker for presents. Wrap a pencil in some tissue paper, tie on a ribbon, give it to me, and I’m in heaven. However, I must go against my general present giver-and -receiver preferences this time.

Based on the comments on our earlier posts about orientation, I’m revising my recommendation on gift baskets, and I say:

Enough with the gift baskets

Why?

Well, many reasons–

• Gift baskets leave some au pairs feeling special and other au pairs feeling left out — we don’t want to put any au pair at an emotional disadvantage by thinking– even for a minute– that his or her host parents don’t really care.

• Gift baskets have become a revenue opportunity for agencies. I don’t begrudge them a bit of profit, but I do think that the agencies exacerbate the problem by having several options, each more costly than the last!

• Agency-sponsored gift baskets aren’t very ‘personal’. They aren’t made by you, or your kids.

In my opinion, the gift basket thing has gotten to be more about making money, spending money, and making the welcome less personal– and that’s not what it’s supposed to be about. Plus, the social drama around gift baskets has overwhelmed their purpose.

The point of sending anything to Orientation is to welcome your au pair and help her or him get excited about meeting your family.

You might still want to send your au pair something (other than a formal gift basket) and if you do, send a package with:

• Some photographs
• A welcome note from you and/ or your kids
• A hat, T-shirt or town-based souvenir (like, postcards of the park near your house)
• A NYC guidebook
• Candy for him or her to share with roommates

If your au pair is taking an extra flight, train ride or bus trip to get to your home from orientation, consider sending her or him up to $10 – $20 explicitly for her to buy snacks or lunch. You’d buy her lunch if you were picking her up in your car, so it doesn’t seem like too much to send some food money. But again, just a small amount.

Remember, you’re not trying to win your au pair over with generosity or munificence. You just want to help your au pair feel welcomed.

It’s possible that, really, what you need is a warm phone call.

All of which would total less than $25.

What are your feelings about Gift Baskets? Next post up is a poll!

See also–
Au Pair Advice: Send a welcome package to your Au Pair’s orientation
Host Family Advice: Resist the Amenities Arms Race

Here on AuPairMom we get a lot of questions about driving skills, driving privileges and managing cars. Behind all of these questions, like “who should pay for gas?” or “Avoiding a sense of entitlement” or “keeping track of car use“,  is one simple principle–

Host parents must provide our au pairs with affordable, safe, and convenient transportation options.

Why you must provide some kind of safe, affordable transportation

Au pairs need to have convenient transportation for a simple reason: they have lives to live outside our homes and outside their on-duty hours. Classes and cluster meetings are but a small part of where your au pair needs to be able to go. S/he needs to be able to meet friends, explore your area, go shopping, find entertainment (e.g., movies, museums), exercise, and relax.

An au pair without convenient transportation will be a prisoner in your home. S/he will likely feel trapped, bored and/or lonely, and s/he will likely rematch.

The transportation options you provide need to be reasonably convenient.

Your au pair needs to be able to access and use the transportation easily. A five minute walk to a bus stop is okay, a twenty-five minute walk is not okay. Bicycling through a town for a 15 minute ride is okay, bicycling over long distances, at night, in bad weather, and in dangerous traffic conditions is not okay. Using your family car in the evenings before midnight, two or three times a week is okay, being forbidden to use any car at any time when you don’t live in a city with a bus system and subway– that’s not okay.

Also, convenient transportation means that it is relatively direct. you can’t expect an au pair to take a 45 minute bus ride with two transfers to get to a class in your own town, when to drive there might take only 15 minutes. (Of course, if s/he is going from your town to the city on a commuter train to take a special class, that’s a different situation).

Transportation has to be safe.

If you wouldn’t walk home from the bus stop after dark because you are concerned for your safety, you shouldn’t expect your au pair to do it either.

Transportation should be affordable.

You need to pay for some of this transportation. Host parents need to provide transportation (car plus gas, bus fare, taxi fare) for your au pair’s required events, such as meeting and classes. And, I’d add that you should provide her or him with transportation to and from your house on his or her day off — like, from your house to the mall or movie theater (not from your house to NYC).

That said, you should not be expected to pay $25 for a taxi to the Starbucks ‘downtown’ when a bus ride of similar length costs $2.50.

So, what should host parents do to provide safe, affordable and convenient transportation?

Here are three things to start with:

1. Use different transportation options depending on the kind of trip.

This is kindof a ‘duh’, except to remind you that a personal car is not the *only* option, and that you can offer to drive your au pair somewhere rather than expect him to walk or ride a bike if it’s stormy outside.

Modes of transportation

There are many ways your au pair can get safely, conveniently and affordably from one place to another on his or her off-duty time. These include and are not limited to:

• Bicycle
• Vespa
• “Station Car” (the $900, 15-yr old beater)
• Family car when parents aren’t using it
• Dedicated Au Pair car
• Bus, subway
• Carpool with other au pairs (contributing for gas, and with their host family’s permission)
• Host Parent chauffeur
• Taxi
• Rental car or ZipCar
• Transportation allowance ($)
• Have your au pair go along with you when you go some where (e.g., to the mall)

You can provide your au pair with some assortment of these options, based on what is available in your neighborhood or town, what you can afford financially, and what kind of time you have to help out with driving.

2. Set yourself a budget– including both time and money

It’s important to set some limits on what you’ll pay for and what you’ll do yourself for getting your au pair somewhere… and it’s also important to help

Maybe you can offer to drive your au pair somewhere once a week, for example to the movies in town (but not the one 20 minutes away). Consider letting your au pair have a car on her day off, but perhaps not during the week if you need the flexibility, or let him have the car for personal use X number of evenings a week. .

Obviously, I’m not suggesting that host parents pay for every kind of travel an au pair wants to make, or to pay for him or her to travel somewhere significant (e.g., outside a 5 mile radius of your town) every single day. Some amount of personal transportation should be the responsibility of the au pair. BUT — you must provide something.

3. Set travel expectations

• Talk with your au pair about the kinds of trips and the number of trips anywhere that you think a host family should subsidize.
• Consider the systems you might need for reserving a car, asking in advance for a ride, taking a turn carpooling with other au pairs.

What else do you think host parents can and should do to provide safe, affordable and convenient transportation?

What limits would you set? What has worked for you and your au pairs?

Do tell… since we have a specific request for transportation advice coming up in the next post…

See also:

The 3rd Car: Avoiding a sense of entitlement
Using Your Car is a Privilege, not an Entitlement: Best practices
Host Family Advice: Resist the Amenities Arms Race
Can an Au Pair be happy without driving privileges?
Advice wanted: How to Keep Track of Au Pair’s personal car use?

Images: Courtney and her Mission bicycle Zach Klein
orange VESPA from * miQ
OC Night Bus from Geoff LMV

When you initiate rematch, can you ask your Au Pair to leave immediately?

When this question popped up over the weekend, I shuddered.

It brought me back instantly to our flame-out au pair, the one who announced on the last day of school that she wanted a rematch because she didn’t want to work weekends in the summer.

We were rather furious, given the long list of accommodations we’d made to try (in vain) to keep her happy. But worse, we were on our way the next week for a family vacation. Our outgoing au pair hadn’t planned to join us anyway, but when she assumed that she could stay in our house, when we weren’t home, after our ‘relationship’ ruptured painfully, there was no way in wherever we were going to let her stay. We simply couldn’t trust her in our home, alone.

Luckily for her, one of her au pair friends took her in for the 10 days or so until she rematched. But if we’d had to put her up for those two weeks? That would have been the only thing worse than what actually happened.

Unless you are in one of those really rare ‘mutual’ rematch situations, rematches generate resentment, anxiety, and discomfort in your home. It’s clear that you, the host parent, are responsible for providing room an board for the departing au pair for up to two weeks– she can’t be kicked out on to the street. At the same time, we seem to hope that there is somewhere else s/he can go.

If the rematch is caused by some kind of egregious behavior by the au pair, sometimes the LCC will find a place for the au pair to stay temporarily. When the rematch is ’caused’ by the host family, other host families/au pairs and the LCC often offer their homes as a neutral respite. However, it remains the host parents’ responsibility to see that the au pair is safely housed, somewhere.

Here’s the query from the original poster, Jennifer, and the start of the comments. Join in with your advice.

Jennifer

Has anyone ever told an AP to LEAVE? We will be telling her in a couple of weeks that we want a rematch and I would like for her to leave immediately.

She has been with us 2 months and we have had many issues in this short time. Our most recent was giving her a hotel room while we were on vacation. We agreed that a GF of hers could go with her. Apparently 2 men flew in and stayed with them the whole time. She drove back to our house a day early (we agreed to this but thought it would just be her and her GF). The men came with her and stayed in our house. She also had her boyfriend here over. I don’t think any hanky panky went on but she is not allowed to have ANY male visitors and no visitors without our permission. She has lied the whole time about it.

Funny thing is she keeps posting pictures on FB. I even befriended her last week and she still doesn’t get it. I haven’t led on to knowing anything yet. The story goes on and on… Anyways, I want her to stay until school starts, even though my boys are just watching TV all day because she can’t get off the internet but they aren’t quite old enough to be home alone. I plan on telling her the weekend before school starts.

I don’t feel that I can trust her in my house while the kids are in school. I think she’ll be pretty mad about it. I’ve already told my LCC the situation. She’s not really any help. Can I tell the AP to just leave?

West Coast Mom

That’s what we did. But … we had the support of our LCC, and had all of our back up care plans in place before we sat her down for the talk. We said something like: we are breaking this match, and you need to go downstairs and pack your things and call [LCC]. She was gone within an hour and we never saw or spoke to her again.

Host Mommy Dearest

With our agency we were told that housing the AP for 2 weeks after going into transition is part of the contract, but that we could chose to have her work & pay her, or not have her work and not pay. We chose not to have her work and since she hid or was out when off duty before transition, and we saw even less after we were in transition, there were only a few moments of tension.

hOstCDmom

If you are with CC – look closely at the contract. It actually says that the Host Family is obligated to house the AP in transition for up to 2 weeks (and here is the key) IF THE TRANSITION WAS INITIATED BY HOST .

This may not be verbatim from the contract (I don’t have it to hand, but will excerpt and post later). We successfully argued this point with CC re one of our APs – the only one with whom we went into transition. AP said she wanted to go to another family, and that was ok with us (after a long list of her issues – she expected me to cook her 3 hot meals a day, including weekends/off days, even though that wasn’t what I was cooking for our family! She thought we were mean and unfair making her get a state driving license (only cost was $40 for the license, and we were paying for it, and this was because our auto ins required that she have a state DL!) etc.) Suffice to say her expectations of the program and ours were not aligned, but SHE actually initiated the rematch.

So we told CC – per your contract we are only obligated to house AP for 2 weeks if we initiate rematch. CC will need to make other arrangements to house her after X date (a date 2 or 3 days from when we communicated this position- we wanted to be reasonable.). We prevailed.

Taking a Computer Lunch

I would look over your agency’s regulations (Google is your friend if you can’t find it easily on your agency’s web site). If the LCC is not assisting you, then go over her head. My guess is that you’ll need the LCC to come and pick her up. Why not have the LCC at the table, when you have that final meeting, so she can take her home from there?

I would suggest that her pattern of bringing men into your home when your children are not around and against your rules, makes her unsuitable for staying in your house during the two-week rematch period. Continue to build your case.

Anna

You cannot ask au pair just to leave, but you can ask LCC to take her in.?We had a situation like that – the rematch was because we discovered a big lie and we decided we cannot trust the au pair in our house anymore. With the agreement of the LCC, we asked her to stay her 2 rematch wks with her boyfriend (otherwise LCC would take her in but she wasn’t very eager to live with LCC).?In a situation like yours, where if she remains in your home it is unsafe, the agency should arrange a place for her to stay – usually with LCC. But read your contract fine print.

PA Host mom of Two Au-pairs

When I started to have problems with one of the au-pairs, I interviewed an American girl to fill her shoes when we ask her to leave, this way we didnt have a lapse in childcare. I wouldn’t even want to keep her for a couple more weeks. There are many college girls that need the extra cash before heading back to school in the fall

.?I would consider removing her now and since the LCC is not being that much of a help, have her pick up your au-pair and let her be the LCC problem not yours.

Ps: I would disconnect the internet before you leave for work, that she fix the problem with being on the net while she should be working! I would FLIP that switch!!!

Jennifer (OP)

I did disconnect the internet one day last week. It was really funny, because they were all calling me trying to figure out what was wrong. I’ve left it connected because she keeps posting pictures and I’ve been printing them out to show her when we talk.

Image: in the out door from ?NTHROPOLOGY

In the mirror post to this one, we’re generating a list of ways that families interpret and execute the rules, but with the effect of having the au pair feel mistreated.

Here on this page is our chance to list what an au pair can expect from a family when both the family and the au pair are fulfilling the basic program requirements.

Let’s assume that host families are already doing the basics, like giving the au pair her or his day & a half off each week. Let’s take the next step, and consider how families can do this in a way that helps the au pair feel as though he or she is being treated appropriately or well.

In terms of how the family interprets and executes the program requirements:

What can an au pair expect from a host family?

Image: Victorian maid in Miss Havershams…from Gauis Caecilius

Riffing on the post Do Au Pairs need a bill of rights? about Au Pairs and a domestic workers bill of rights, Dawn mentioned that

A clear listing as to what kind of treatment is reasonable to expect would be very helpful in such circumstances.

As one example, in a program where the AP expects to be “part of the family,” is it okay for the family to literally LOCK their “family” refrigerator, and have their AP eat completely different food than the rest of the family eats — food of a lesser quality than the family purchases for themselves? I don’t think so, but my AP’s friend who is in this situation is afraid to rock the boat by talking to her LCC about it.

Expectations & interpretations

The program requirements do set out a framework of expectations, but unfortunately ‘bad’ host families interpret both the rules and the principles behind those rules in ways that serve themselves rather than serving their au pair and / or the whole family-au pair system.

There are many, many (too many) ways that unscrupulous host families can interpret the program requirements in ways that end up feeling like ‘mistreatment’ to au pairs. These ‘bendings of the rules’ or distortion of the intent behind the rules, are different from actually breaking the rules. When a family (or au pair) breaks the rules, the violation is clear: s/he either did or didn’t get two weeks of paid vacation. When program guidelines are enacted in a way that distorts them, whether or not it’s “mistreatment” is up for grabs… and generates ongoing conflict and distress.

Can we establish a list of appropriate expectations for how regulations should be enacted? If we could, then host families and au pairs would have a better sense of what good treatment is, and isn’t

I like Dawn’s idea of a list of positive expectations… but it’s a hard one to execute. Still, let’s try it.

Positive examples

There are two ways to go about this. One way is to start to generate a list of how au pairs can and should expect the guidelines to be interpreted. We have already discussed what behaviors ‘show’ that an au pair is being treated as part of the family, and it never hurts to revisit this topic. It’s just too important.

I’ve set up a second post where people can generate more ideas about “What an Au Pair can expect from a Host Family”.

Negative examples

A second way to get a sense of what au pairs should be able to expect is to list examples of ‘bad treatment’. This would not be examples of where host families broke the results themselves, but rather ways in which the host family “interpreted” program requirements in ways that end up feeling like mistreatment.

Dawn’s example of the locked refrigerator suggests that this host family was willing to provide ‘board’ for their au pair, but just not at the same level as the rest of the family. They are perhaps fulfilling the letter of the regulation, but not the spirit. And, separating out the ‘family food’ from the ‘au pair food’ so that the au pair gets lesser quality meals is a true violation of the spirit of the term ‘au pair’– and au pair is supposed to be treated ‘at parity’ or at a status equal to a family member.

Personally as the blog moderator, i get a little anxious when I set up a post where we list things that people (host families, agencies, LCCs, au pairs) do wrong. I don’t like gripe fests, and neither do most of you readers. That said, we can handle this one well if:

1. We note not only the ‘mistreatment’ but the reason why it felt like/ looked like ‘mistreatment’.

2. We respect the viewpoint of the person suggesting the ‘mistreatment’. The goal here is to understand what’s behind both the behavior and the bad feeling, so we need to listen first before we move to offer a correction, or a suggested action step.

Ready to try it?

See also:

Do Au Pairs need a bill of rights?
Advice Wanted: How to set the right tone from Week 1
Host Family Advice: Resist the Amenities Arms Race
The 3rd Car: Avoiding a sense of entitlement
Part of the Family: What does that mean to you?
Part of the Family: The Au Pairs’ Perspective
Image: a midnight snack from Little Dragon

When a host mom emailed to ask for some specific suggestions around keeping the cost of cell phones down, I flinched. The whole cell phone thing, like recycling, is delegated in our house to my DH. Why? Because I just can’t stand to deal with it. Though I should deal with it, and stop avoiding it by remaining ignorant.

But hey, that’s my issue. It is, however, also related to this HM’s issue. And, with no knowledge to share with her myself, I turn to you, dear readers, for your knowledge of what cell phones (will) actually cost, and for you concrete suggestions about how to keep costs down.

Here is our Host Mom’s full email, with her specific information needs:

Does anyone have a really easy, painless way to deal with cell phone use so I don’t feel like I’m paying too much, and yet she won’t feel cut off from her friends?


Is 50 bucks a month about how much the au pair cell phone is going to cost, even if we shift around our cell phone accounts? We have an opportunity to do this.


I was looking around the site last night and didn’t quite find these answers. Lots of conversations about billing for overuse, but by doing the go-phone we have built-in limits. Even so, I was reviewing our pay-as-you-go phone account and it looks like I’ve been spending 50 bucks a month on au pair cell phone use, which surprised me.


I don’t want to turn into a shrewish host, I HATE accounting, and just I’ve never wanted to get into nickel and diming the au pairs about cell phone use. We have VOIP, so I encourage them to use the house phone as much as possible and don’t charge them for calling another continent from home, since it’s the same price as calling a neighbor.


The problem with using the self-limiting go phone arises when I need to reach my AP, for example, to tell her that I will pick them up in a different spot, only to discover she has run out of funds and I, the parent, cannot reach her at all. The point of the cell phone is for ME to reach her with kid-related information, not her convenience for chatting with friends.

She is a very responsible AP, and does not stay on the cell for hours, so I’m trying to figure out if this is just the price of doing business, or if I’m spending a lot too much.

My Pink Hello Kitty Cell! from fatcatinakomona
Hello kitty cell phone casefrom Pinky Anela
Talking on my Hello Kiitty cell…from ironic1