Must we use an Au Pair Agency to engage an Au Pair?

Yes.

Sure, you can go it alone, but then you would not be operating within US Law.

We emphatically recommend that you use an approved agency to find and retain your au pair. Following the laws and regulations protects both your family and your au pair.

There are 14 different approved agencies in the USA, and they range in both cost and in level of support (e.g., training, local counselors, etc.) If you are concerned about costs, you can do some comparison shopping and even contact agencies to try to negotiate some kind of signing bonus.

Pre-Matching with Someone You Already Know

If you already know a young person outside the US who you’d like as your au pair, you can “pre-match” with this person, and then engage an agency to manage the paperwork, travel, training and support.

Using a Website to Refer to an Agency

Also, you can find an au pair on one of many websites (e.g., Great Au Pair — not an endorsement, just an example) and then work through them to have both parties referred to an agency that operates within the home country of your desired au pair.

Bottom Line:

Trying to create and sustain an au pair relationship without using an approved agency is against the law. It’s also a bad idea.

For more on this issue, see these posts, below. Be SURE to read people’s comments for important details and insights.:

Going “Off the Board” to find an Au Pair

What the best way to Pre-Match with an Au Pair, before connecting to an Agency?

Reading the Fine Print: How do Au Pair Agency contracts differ?
Choosing an Au Pair Agency: Two questions that might make a difference
If you were an Au Pair: Agency or Website?
An Open Letter to Au Pairs without an Agency, Outside the USA

State Department Site re Au Pairs
“Designated Sponsor Organizations” aka Approved Au Pair Agencies

Owl Image from ThePinkTonka Shop on Etsy, filled with interesting owl-y things.

It’s kind of ironic for me to post a query about the topic of how to interpret the lag time between sending an email and an au pair candidate responding.

As several of you with whom I correspond with on email already know– I can be “not very prompt” in my replies. What does this mean?

Usually, it doesn’t mean much. The “information value” of response time is low, because there are just too many variables.

Too much work, replied in your head, scattered attention, waiting for inspiration — all these are better explanations than “What’s wrong with me that s/he won’t reply? Doesn’t s/he like me?”

EXCEPT when it’s a prospective au pair who hasn’t replied.

Don’t you think that if s/he was really that into you she’d reply to your host family email right away? I think so.

This HotMailHostMom, below, is right to worry that she hasn’t heard back. BUT she can’t assume anything — at least not yet. So, what should she do?

How long should you wait for a reply before trying with another serious email?

How many times should you email, before giving up?

Dear AuPairMoms –
I am a HM in the middle of the search for an au pair to replace our
current au pair who is leaving in December. I have spent hours on your
wonderful blog getting lots of advice and tips on how to match with an
au pair who works for us. We love our current au pair but she was the
first application we ever looked at and we knew she was perfect
immediately, so we have never actually gone through much of a search
process.

My question is this – is it unreasonable to expect a quickish response
from au pairs when we email them about a possible match after
initially looking at their application? We have two in particular that
seem great on paper and we are very excited to talk to. We have
emailed with them twice and suggested times to skype, but both of them
seem to be slow to respond to us – over 24 hours between when we email
them and they respond both times so far, and we are still waiting on
both for a time to skype. I realize not everyone is as “connected” as
we are – both my partner and I have iphones, so we can obsessively
check our email – but is it unreasonable to expect a response within a
24 hour period? It seems to me if they know there is a matching
process going on they should be checking email a little more often
than every day and a half or so.

My real issue is that I wonder if we are working harder at this and
are more excited about a match than they are, and if that is the case
it doesn’t seem like it bodes well for our relationship going forward.

So, if your wise readers tell us we are being silly to expect a
quicker response we will chill out and go work our handbook. But if
anyone thinks we should cut them both loose and start over we would
like to hear that too!

Thanks so much!

HotMailHostMom,

A long time ago, I was experimenting with doing a vlog (a video post), but I never posted it because I looked kindof dorky. Also, a few months later, the lovely Susan Robinson of Cultural Care started her AuPairAnswerMom vlogs, and does them so well that I thought I’d just stick to text.

But then I got this email, below, from a Host Mom who’s interested in gift baskets (or Welcome Baskets) that are sent to incoming au pairs at Orientation.

Hi CV. I hope I’m not asking something that has already been asked, but I’m wondering how many families order the gift baskets at the au pair school. Our 4th au pair is arriving in March and we’ve never ordered the gift basket. Now we’re wondering if our girls feel totally left out. Our last AP said she didn’t care about it, and that the things in it weren’t anything she would want, but I’m now wondering if she was just being nice. What do other HFs do?

Thanks. I love the blog. It’s fascinating to see what others think about AP-related things.  Jenna

Since I already had this vlog, and post, somewhere in the hopper, here’s my answer. …
No laughing.

Back in the day (like, 12 years ago) sending a little giftie to your incoming au pair at orientation seemed like a nice thing to do.

I thought it might be nice for her to be welcomed, maybe with some mini-Snickers bars, some photos of the kids and a baseball cap, and get a little extra cash to pay for her snacks on her way down to Virginia. Plus I am a total sucker for presents. Wrap a pencil in some tissue paper, tie on a ribbon, give it to me, and I’m in heaven. However, I must go against my general present giver-and -receiver preferences this time.

Based on the comments on our earlier posts about orientation, I’m revising my recommendation on gift baskets, and I say:

Enough with the gift baskets

Why?

Well, many reasons–

• Gift baskets leave some au pairs feeling special and other au pairs feeling left out — we don’t want to put any au pair at an emotional disadvantage by thinking– even for a minute– that his or her host parents don’t really care.

• Gift baskets have become a revenue opportunity for agencies. I don’t begrudge them a bit of profit, but I do think that the agencies exacerbate the problem by having several options, each more costly than the last!

• Agency-sponsored gift baskets aren’t very ‘personal’. They aren’t made by you, or your kids.

In my opinion, the gift basket thing has gotten to be more about making money, spending money, and making the welcome less personal– and that’s not what it’s supposed to be about. Plus, the social drama around gift baskets has overwhelmed their purpose.

The point of sending anything to Orientation is to welcome your au pair and help her or him get excited about meeting your family.

You might still want to send your au pair something (other than a formal gift basket) and if you do, send a package with:

• Some photographs
• A welcome note from you and/ or your kids
• A hat, T-shirt or town-based souvenir (like, postcards of the park near your house)
• A NYC guidebook
• Candy for him or her to share with roommates

If your au pair is taking an extra flight, train ride or bus trip to get to your home from orientation, consider sending her or him up to $10 – $20 explicitly for her to buy snacks or lunch. You’d buy her lunch if you were picking her up in your car, so it doesn’t seem like too much to send some food money. But again, just a small amount.

Remember, you’re not trying to win your au pair over with generosity or munificence. You just want to help your au pair feel welcomed.

It’s possible that, really, what you need is a warm phone call.

All of which would total less than $25.

What are your feelings about Gift Baskets? Next post up is a poll!

See also–
Au Pair Advice: Send a welcome package to your Au Pair’s orientation
Host Family Advice: Resist the Amenities Arms Race

Yesterday we got this email from an au pair candidate who is very excited about finding a family. She asks:

How could I be selected as an au pair as soon as possible?

I offered her a little advice, and I’d love to hear what you all might suggest…

Hi I’m Shannon from (Southeast Asia), I am 20 years old and a university student.I’ve just applied to an au pair agency in the USA — I sent an application to that au pair agency a few weeks ago. I’m really sorry to send this email but I dont know what I’m gonna do please understand me and give me some advices. How could I be selected as an au pair as soon as possible ?

Hi Shannon-

Thanks for your email— on AuPairMom.com we don’t have any connections to the au pair agencies, so we don’t have the ability to help directly with getting you into your agency’s system or for getting you matched quickly. But here are some ideas….

1. Be sure to complete all of the paperwork, interviews, and health exams that your agency application requires, as promptly as you can. The sooner your application is complete, the sooner you can get into the matching process.

2. Talk to your local recruiter or agency representative and ask her what you can do to move your application along quickly.

3. Take some driving lessons. The #1 reason that host families hesitate to match with candidates from Southeast Asian countries is that many au pairs from these countries really don’t know how to drive safely and well. Get some additional driving practice with different kinds of cars, and in different kinds of driving situations. If you usually drive in the countryside, practice in a city. If you’ve rarely driven on a highway, ask someone to coach you on highway driving. If you can get a real, bona fide driving school instructor to evaluate and certify your driving skills, that would be especially helpful.

Driving skill is important to 3 out of 4 host families, and if you are able to demonstrate that you have worked hard to become a good driver, that might make people more likely to consider matching with you.

4. Prepare information about yourself that communicates who you are, what you are looking for, how you handle new situations, and what kinds of childcare you’ve done. Carefully prepare any materials that your agency requests — letters to host families, application information, and so on– so that you communicate as much about yourself as truthfully as possible. Parents want a sense of the ‘real you’, not some ‘perfect you’ — so be honest. Consider posting information on your own blog site (like Blogger, Posterous, Tumblr), on your facebook page, or even putting your own video on YouTube.

5. Prepare yourself for your au pair interviews. By this I don’t mean that you should practice responses so that your spoken English seems perfect. What I mean is– make sure you know what the au pair job is, what the exchange experience is like, and what families are looking for. If you are very clear about what the au pair job is, if you know what kind of family you are looking for, and if you offer a lot of information about yourself to help potential families get to know you, this might be helpful.

You should look at AuPairMom posts on interviewing and matching, and see what kinds of concerns host parents have, and what things they are looking for.

6. When a host family contacts you by email or phone, respond right away. Even if you are away for the weekend, or busy with classes, let the family know you got the email and suggest a time that you can connect. Don’t let the email sit there for a day or two, or three, while you think of something to say.

7. If you share a phone with family or friends, let them know (once your application is in the matching pool) that you are expecting contacts from American host families. Many of us have left phone message after phone message with a relative of an au pair candidate, and never heard from the candidate. Even if the opportunity is not right for you, get back to the host family immediately and let them know.

8. If you have any special skills or talents to offer a host family, let your recruiter know... just in case there is a family that really needs what you have to offer.

I don’t know for sure if this will make a difference, but it seems worth a try.

cvh

As every reader of this blog knows, we are big fans of the concept of the Family Handbook. And by “we” I don’t mean the royal  moi, but all of us host parents (and even au pairs). It really helps to create a handbook to get your expectations and needs out into clear language, and it helps your au pair to have explanations s/he can refer to.

Our handbooks can get pretty long.  The more we know about challenges, and the more we learn about our preferences, the more pages we seem to add to these books. Our family handbooks can appear daunting to a new au pair too — All those rules! Procedures! Explanations! Curfews! English words I don’t recognize!

On paper, we thoughtful, well-prepared host parents can come off looking like nags, dictators, and uptight prisses who will be impossible to live with (even though we are not that way). The challenge is always — do we spell it all out and risk looking insane? Or do we leave things out (and hope they won’t be missed) in order to look less rigid or rule-bound?

We also recommend that you send these handbooks to our prospective au pairs so that they can know (as clearly as we can spell it out) what to expect as our au pair. Some host parents (I’m thinking of you, CalifMom) send the handbook to all prospective au pairs as part of the “I dare you to match with our family” strategy. The idea here is  “forewarned is better than ambushed”.

Unfortunately, sending an incoming au pair our complete (obsessively detailed) handbooks can misrepresent the otherwise loving, open and relaxed familys/he has yet to meet in person. The handbook can  even scare (or scare off) an otherwise great au pair.

Given the tension between informing your au pair and freaking him or her out,  the question is– when is the best time to send an incoming au pair your handbook?

[There are a lot of choices here -- and I'm sure that sometimes you use a combination. Give it your best shot.]

This squestion comes up for NewbieHostMom, who wonders:

We have our first au pair arriving this weekend. Should I send her our handbook before she gets here? I am a little obsessive, maybe even compulsive. Our handbook is extensive. If I send her to her today or tomorrow she will be getting it a few days before she departs for her orientation. Is that too much, or will it be appreciated? She seems to want the info, and I did send her a basic schedule for hours, but I am just not sure what to do.

I suggested that she send just the schedule and driving rules — as a taste of things, but a small enough amount that it wouldn’t overwhelm (Also, at this point the au pair might only be able to read it as an email, not printed out, and that could complicate things too.)

What do you all think?

The original title I had for this post was “In which we address, once again, the issue of driving skills”.  However, since that’s neither SEO-friendly, nor really helpful, let’s see if we can actually come up with ways to assess driving skill.

Everyone who has ever driving a car can call say that s/he’s an experienced driver.

But, who’s to say what “experienced” really means? Does it include driving a tractor? A Vespa? On country roads? Is three years enough, or might someone be a great driver with only one year on the road?

From an au pair’s application, it can be awfully hard to tell whether s/he has what it takes to get behind the wheel with our kids in the back seat.

How to Assess an Au Pair’s Driving Skill

To assess driving skill, we can use:

1. ‘# years driving – # moving violations’
2. The au pair’s own explanation of his or her driving experience (on the application)
3. Serious interviewing about driving (e.g., what kinds of driving situations make you tense?)
4. Calls to his or her references to ask specifically about driving.
5. Conversation with the applicant’s parent about her or his driving experience.

As an Anglo-American, I’m a big fan of direct, explicit inquiry. Imho, if you tell a person (the candidate or the reference) what you need in a driver and why driving is important, and mention safety, you’re likely to get the truth about actual skill level.

Can we assess attitudes about driving?

In addition to assessing the au pair’s driving experience, we also need to assess their attitude towards driving. Someone with less experience who seems committed to really learning how to drive in your specific American environment, in your family cars,  might be better for you than someone with a lot of experience who is more careless.

If you follow classic management advice, you should “hire for attitude and train for skill.”

What I’d really want to hear is respect for the challenges of driving, awareness of the importance of rules, enthusiasm about learning, and confidence without overconfidence.  I wonder, what could we ask to get at these attributes?

Here’s a specific question from Host Mom Nina:

I really need advice from experienced host moms (and dads) on this site:

I am having a panic attack. We are about to match with an au pair from Denmark. We like everything about her and she is the best candidate I have interviewed so far this year after 2 months of interviewing, except that I am not sure about her driving ability. On the application she said she drives frequently/regularly but after talking to her realized that’s only few times a month on weekends. It’s also mostly on country roads in a small town and sometimes on highways.

I was so “in love with her” otherwise that I didn’t pay enough attention to her driving, but this morning my husband told me that her driving worries him and now I’m lost… I promised her and 2 other girls I am interviewing that we’ll make the decision this weekend, so the pressure is on…

The nice thing is that I mentioned during our first conversation that I think she would need to practice more before she comes and the next time I called and asked what she will do that evening, she told me that she already borrowed a car from her sister to drive and practice and had to return it that night…I really liked that.

We have also interviewed another girl from Austria who drives more frequently and overall is not a bad candidate but don’t like her as much the one from Denmark.

I really like the girl from Denmark and I already matched with her in my mind, until my husband made that comment…

We will of course have few days with her to practice driving but still, she would come in January and who knows how the roads would be.

I just need and objective viewpoint and/or tips…Maybe someone even has an experience with someone from Denmark? I like her but don’t want to make a mistake by choosing her.

Thanks for your ideas, Nina

Two (temporary) parting thoughts:

1. Until someone comes up with a reliable online assessment of driving skill and driving attitude, we just have to ask a lot of questions and be ready to intervene once our au pair arrives.

2. If you are a potential au pair candidate, tell the honest to goodness truth about your driving experience, and be ready to talk a lot about driving in general.

Image: 4yr old driving her toy car! from stewartde

We haven’t talked in much detail about how to choose an agency — I’ve steered clear of that topic because I haven’t wanted anyone to think that I’m some kind of au pair agency secret agent, sent out to lure unsuspecting host families onto the rosters of agencies for an unspecified but generous kickback.

Also, I’ve wanted to maintain a community here where it’s not about complaining about agencies but is really more focused on relationships. And, frankly, having had experience with just the one agency and been reasonably happy with them, I’ve never done any serious comparison shopping myself.

There is a lot of comparison shopping you can do on your own when you’re choosing an agency.

Much of the decision comes down to very local information–

• Which agencies cover your geographic area?
• Which agencies have well-respected local counselors (LCCs) in your area?
• Which agencies have big enough clusters that your au pair might find some friends?
• Which agencies do your friends recommend?
• Which agencies have kosher/male/piano-playing/Mandarin-speaking/culinarily-talented candidates, etc.?

Other info you can find on your own, by googling, to catch up-to-the-minute data –

• What are the current agency fees?
• Are there any active discounts?

Sometimes, you’ll just get a sense of an agency you like.

• You might get an response to an online inquiry from a counselor/agency rep who really ‘gets it’, and is there to help.

• You might realize that you really prefer a certain kind of candidate selection option — a recommendation just for you, a handful, or full-on full-access — that perhaps only one agency has.

• And, you might discover that some agencies have a terrific online presence with lots of resources, both local and national.

But is there anything else to think about?

A “Potential Host Mom” writes:

I work out of my home 3 days a week. We have two boys ages 2 ¾ and 11 months. Currently, we have a part-time American nanny.   DH and I are feeling pushed to the max and have been considering how to make some changes in our lives in order to reduce stress. After much thought, we’ve come to the conclusion that more flexible childcare would be a big help to us, as DH’s job is very demanding, and I have to travel a fair amount.

We’ve decided to go in the direction of getting an au pair. We like the idea of exposing our children to a second language, the greater flexibility, and are open to participating in cultural exchange. Additionally, we have plenty of space in our home. (Our first nanny lived with us for awhile, so we have a little experience with the live in aspect of things). I’ve been scouring your blog for advice and have found it very helpful.

I’ve searched the blog, but haven’t found extensive information on the following: What are the factors we should consider when choosing which agency to use? In reading the responses, obviously the LCC is going to be important, and we should probably try to speak with those people before making a decision. [YES] Also, it looks like the match system is important-although it is a little unclear to me on which system is best. I’m guessing that is a matter of preference. [YES]

What are the other factors that we should be thinking about?

Potential Host Mom has so many of the right questions that I’d like to offer her some answers to questions that we in this community might be have some scoop on:

1. Are there policy differences between agencies that host parents should be aware of?

2. How can we evaluate customer service prior to working with an agency?

Take it away, experts!

Image: Iron Flower from bitzcelt

See also:
Agency Policies on Withholding Pay: What are they? Calling all LCCs …
Going “Off the Board” to find an Au Pair
Poll: Have you ever switched Au Pair agencies? If so, why?

West Coast Mom suggests that we pool our collective wisdom to generate a packing list for our incoming au pairs.  This list would not include the basics (they’ll all think to pack underwear). Instead, this list would cover wht an au pair needs to bring to support her or his adventure.

What we pack reflects our expectations

What we pack for a trip reflects what we’re expecting will happen, what we’re expecting we’ll do, and what we’re expecting we’ll need– but it’s not just about the “things” we pack, it’s about the meaning of these “things”.

I suspect that if we were to randomly open the luggage of 5 incoming au pairs, we’d get a tour of many of their hopes and dreams for the year ahead.

Since we host parents have seen more than a few adventure years, and seen what kinds of things surprise au pairs, we might have ideas for “what to pack” that could help them out. So, off the top of my head, here are:

5 Things an Au Pair Should Bring

1. A modest bathing suit:  One that covers your whole behind, please. One that you can wear at the town pool.
   
2. Your favorite children’s book, in your own language, to share with your host kids
3. Medications like Birth Control Pills: Many medicines are more expensive here than they are in your home country. If you are on a prescription medication, and/or if you have favorite remedies for ailments common to you, bring them along.
4. Space in your luggage: You can buy a lot of things here (and you probably will).
5. A List of your Goals for the year: Thinking explicitly about what you want to get out of your year, and having this written down, is a way to remind you what it’s all about when you feel homesick, when you feel lost, and when you’re offered opportunities you might not have considered.

On the other hand,

It’s also important to think about what not to bring.

The stuff I have seen come out of au pair luggage has boggled my mind sometimes, when I think of how heavy it was and how much room it took up. You don’t need to bring your own Rollerblades here– we can find you a pair. Really.

5 Things an Au Pair Should Not Bring

1. Towels, sheets and pillows: We have these in the US! And, we have them here in our houses for you to use. Use the extra space in your luggage for something more fun.
2. Hot Wax Melter & Waxing Supplies: There are lots of options for depilatation that aren’t electric, that aren’t heavy and that are effective.
3. A musical instrument larger than a clarinet: It may not be in perfect condition, but we can find you a second hand guitar to use while you’re here. And, there are inexpensive accordions on eBay all the time.
4. More than 3 stuffed animals: Your Host Kids will be happy to share some of theirs with you, I promise.
5. Precious and rare Hello Kitty items: Sanrio has outlets here, and the Hello Kitty stuff you can buy here will be rare back home.
   

   

• Parents, what things would you recommend an au  pair bring, to support his or her adventure?

• What’s best left behind?

• And, (we all want to know) what crazy items have been brought to the States by your au pairs?

See Also:

The “Before You Leave Home” E-mail
Getting her stuff back home: Is there a cheap way to ship things?
Tip: Save those Ice Skates! (about providing seasonal & one-off items for your au pair)

You’ve found her/him, you’ve matched, you’ve sent follow up information, exchanged a few happy emails, and then all of a sudden…

… Your au pair goes quiet.

Time to panic?

Dear Au Pair Mom,

We are excited about our soon-to-arrive au pair. She seems great, but I am starting to worry.

I haven’t heard anything from her in several weeks, and she’s been slow to respond to my emails. She’s a native English speaker, so language isn’t the issue.

We had emailed a lot during matching, and we had lovely long chats by phone. I know that she’s busy working to make extra money to travel, seeing all her friends, etc, but I wonder: Is this a red flag?

Is this a sign that she is too self-centered? Will she slam into a wall when she gets here?

I’m starting to feel concerned because, while we’ve had good experiences with extension au pairs and rematch au pairs, the two I started off with “from scratch” went into rematch.

Advice, anyone?

Image: Anxious child at window by  IronRodArt- Royce Bear

We spend a lot of time on this blog sharing ideas about how to figure out whether an au pair candidate is actually ready to do the job, live in another family, and explore an new culture and country. But, we haven’t spent much time sharing ideas about preparing *ourselves” for becoming host parents.

We focus a bit on ‘them’, but what about ‘us’?

I think it’s pretty clear that some families should never try being host parents.

Host families that can’t clarify their priorities, can’t align around a shared child raising philosophy, families where the parents hate each other, families that are stingy either financially or emotionally — these folks should never be host parents.

But what about the majority of us? We’re good people. We want the best for our kids and our family. We are willing to accommodate to our caregiver choices. We think we’re emotionally and psychologically able to do this.

Plus, we’ve read all the agency materials. We’ve looked at the host parent expectations and think we can meet them. We’re ready to go.

And then, your first au pair arrives. After about three weeks:

• If we are lucky or self-aware*, we notice how much harder it is than we thought. We step back and think: what the heck have we gotten in to? What do we do now? How can we make this work?

• OR, if we are unlucky and/or lacking in self-awareness, we don’t even realize what’s happening. We start feeling annoyed, overburdened and resentful. We start acting prickly; maybe even we’re mean. We treat our au pair as though he or she were the problem, when in fact the problem lies with us.

We realize– we just weren’t ready for this.

If only we had known that we weren’t ready.

That’s where we all come in. Can we put together what we remember from when we were preparing for your first au pair, and when s/he first arrived, and identify some questions that would help families figure out if they were ready to become ‘host’ families?

How can we make sure that we know what it means to welcome a young person from another country into our home, and into our lives?

Imagine that there was a Host Parent Readiness Assessment, and you were administering the assessment.

What questions would you ask to figure out whether a host parent or family was ready?

What questions do you recommend that all potential host parents ask themselves?

[ Once we generate a bunch of ideas, I'll take all these questions and turn them into an actual questionnaire/assessment...
Note Weds 5/12 -- this turns out to be one of the best lists of AuPairParent wisdom ever! wow!  cv]

Image: Room For Everyone, by Cathy Nichols. Go buy it on Etsy. You deserve some pretty art.