Last week I met a woman who’s editing two books on parenting. She was intrigued by the AuPairMom community and the kinds of conversations we have here, and she peppered me with questions. One of the questions she asked was a tough one– I could answer it for myself, certainly, but I was unable to say what was true for most, or even just many host parents.

So let me turn the quesiton over to you:

How does being an au pair Host Parent change you?

Not just as a parent, but as a person?

Another favorite, handmade memory gift is a Gratitude Jar.

A Gratitude Jar is just a decorated jar, with slips of paper and a pen attached. Parents, au pairs and kids can use the jar to remind them to write down funny or sweet things that happen, and then put the slip in the jar, to be read another day.

You might write things like “Today Catherine created a special dance to celebrate that I made Mac ‘n Cheese. We’re calling it the Mac ‘n Cheese-a- Rayna.” Or “Clara brought me a cup of tea when I was pounding away at the keyboard last night. That little bit of warmth and sweetness made the deadline easier to meet.”

You can pull out a slip and read it any time you feel you need to appreciate something. And, at the end of a year or when the jar gets full, you can take out all the slips and photocopy them or scan them on your printer– and you or your au pair can keep a copy. The slips themselves can get glued into a scrapbook.

You can also use the Gratitude Jar In Reverse -– The Giver fills the jar with 52 (or more!) memories, insights, and kind words. Then, every week (or whenever s/he needs a pick-me-up) the Recipient can pull out a slip, read it, and feel cared about.
This is a photo of my actual gratitude jar. There are slips of paper tucked into the elastic at the back of the jar (you can’t see them in the photo), and there is a pen at the ready. I keep it on the shelf by our kitchen table. Sometimes when we are feeling especially grumpy I ask everyone at dinner to write out a slip and tuck it in for a rainy-er day.

It’s time for little elves to get busy, making things to capture memories.

Writes an LCC –

I’m a counselor for a small group of au pairs and at our last meeting the question about Christmas gifts for host parents came up. They all want to give something meaningful, they understand that in most cases the host parents could easily buy themselves whatever they want. They know that most families would appreciate home-made thoughtful gifts, ideally something that involves their kids. I suggested a photo collage and some of the girls said that they were planning to make such a collage at the end of their year. I was wondering if you readers might be willing to share some gifts that they have received and appreciated from their au pairs.

Just thinking about the gifts I’ve received over the years makes me want to cry. (In a good way.)

I can never forget the Santa Lucia day breakfast, the daily devotional reader, the jewelry box, or the Hello Kitty toiletries travel set, not to mention the wreath made of cutouts of my girls’ handprints.

The gifts that I cherish the most have either one or both of these qualities:

• They help me remember joyous or otherwise special times with the kids and with our au pair, or

• They show that our au pair was actually thinking of me as a person (a mom, a reader, a person with never too many sparkly pins, a person who loves Sweden)

Other gifts that I’ve loved have been little things that told me my au pair noticed what I needed and found little ways to add to the smoothness of daily life. For example, I got a Hello Kitty change purse to keep in the console of our station wagon, filled with quarters to use at the parking meters in town. Now, every time I refill it or take out a quarter for the meter, I thank the au pair who thought of this!

Host Moms, what kinds of gifts from an au pair would make you super-happy?

Share your comments, below. And, if you have any photos of such gifts, email them to me at mom@aupairmom.com and I’ll post them for everyone to enjoy.

Annonamomma has suggested that we take some time to talk about “all the little things” that keep a house, a home, and a host parent happy. She writes:
Could we do a post on the little things?? you know the little things that keep a house happy, i.e. send the no milk text, empty the dishwasher without being asked, sort of thing. I know that one of the other posters here has a section in their handbook which deals with the small things that drive her nuts but a post on it would be great – just to see what differs from house to house. I bet one thing that would be said all the time is how the uncomfortableness of having to ask an AP repeatedly to do things quickly turns to annoyance/resentment if a HM/HD is put in this position too often. Then the AP sees it as nagging and the HPs get resentful.

Great idea Annonamomma- so here’s the quesiton….

Host parents, can you share a few of the little things that, when noticed and addressed by your au pair, make all the difference in keeping your home running smoothly?

There are two inherent challenges here– First, these little things vary wildly from family to family. My “put the tongs points down in the dishwasher” is your “Use only the yellow post-its for phone messages” is her “Close the bathroom door”.

Second, by their very nature, all the little things we do that make the home run smoothly are nearly invisible- except when they are not done.

But in any case, talking about these little things creates a big picture: To make a home a well-run and happy place takes (1) being considerate of each other, and (2) everyone working together.

Fire away!

Image: Happy boo!berry

“ happyboo!berry: project is to inspire.

[Two years ago we enjoyed this post on gratitude, and au pairs. Since there are so many new and different readers of the blog now, that I thought I'd post it again.  Following up this post is a chance to reflect what you're thankful and grateful for in your host family- au pair relationship.  cv]

With Thanksgiving upon us, opening up the holiday season, all of us host moms & dads have a chance to be thankful about what our children and our au pairs bring into our lives.

Part of the reason I think that having an au pair can be so great is that it asks us to open up our families and to share our lives with others, in a unique way. We have to consider our values and priorities, translate these for someone from another culture, consider their personal and cultural values, manage the constant balance between employee and family, and collaborate together to support our children, our au pair, ourselves, and our community.

Thanksgiving gives us a (pretty obvious) opportunity to reflect on what having an au pair is bringing to our families, and how strengthening our relationships between our selves, our au pairs and our children can benefit all of us. Whether your relationship is more functional or more familial, whether you feel frustrated or delighted more often than not, there’s something good going on or your wouldn’t be in this relationship.

Take a moment to reflect on all of this, and to share your gratitude with your family and your au pair. (It’s okay to give yourself a pat on the back too, parents.)

Folks enjoyed the article by Christine Kane that I shared a few months ago, and here is another one about Thanksgiving. It’s always a treat to find something well-written and insightful, and since Christine encourages her readers to share her posts in toto, I’m happy to send it along to you.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Why Gratitude Makes You Happy and Wealthy
by Christine Kane

Gratitude is more than being thankful one day a year. Gratitude is a practice. For some, it’s a way of life.

Why do some people swear by the practice of gratitude? Why do these people have joy-filled and abundant lives?

In other words, why does gratitude make you happy and wealthy?

• Because gratitude is about presence.

It’s about waking up in this moment and being here – really being here – and noticing what’s around you. Most people are so busy thinking about the next thing, or about their horrid past, that they don’t wake up and look around at their present moment – the only moment there is.

• Because gratitude is about honoring YOUR precious life.

Do you ever compare your life with someone else’s? Do you ever wish your life were better and more like [insert famous person's name here]? Sometimes we can lose ourselves in wondering how we “measure up” to some standard set by our families or by the media. Comparison is the mind killer. The antidote is gratitude.

Gratitude requires that you validate your own life. (And you really don’t have any other life, do
you?) It forces you to say YES to the gift that is you. The choices you’ve made and the changes you’ve gone through – they have brought you here. Even if here is a place that needs a little adjustment, that’s okay. There are always gifts in any present moment.

• Because gratitude is about attracting.

It’s difficult to attract abundance and joy if you are constantly saying “no” to what IS. You say “no” each time you focus on the future or past, or when you criticize something that is in your present moment.

Attraction is about saying Yes. When you say Yes, you shift.

Gratitude says, “Yes, I love this!” And then more of this is attracted, because the this is what you’re focusing on.

• Because gratitude is about choice.

How you translate any situation is the situation. What you choose to see is the truth (for you).

This isn’t proposing that you live in denial or phoniness. It’s reminding you that your translation of any life situation is your choice. We’ve all heard stories of people who have ignored others’ translations of their talent, their projects, their art, their looks, their lives. These people chose their own translations and succeeded. You always have a choice when it comes to how you look at things. Choose to choose gratitude.

• Because gratitude is about wisdom.

I think people believe they’re being smart if they criticize, complain, and focus on the problems of the world around them.

Smart? Maybe.

Clever? Sure.

But not wise.

It is wise to look for and find the knowing place in your heart. It is wise to choose joy. It is wise to honor your riches. It is wise to focus on and grow the blessings of your life.

• Because gratitude is about recognition.

Use your power of focus to hone in on beauty and on what makes your heart sing. Recognize the spirit in your life. It’s all around you waiting to be noticed. In the words of Franz Kafka, “It will roll in ecstasy at your feet.”

• Because gratitude is about receptivity.

Gratitude makes you receptive. It makes you a vessel, waiting to be filled.

I carry a tiny notebook with me everywhere I go. In it, I write down song ideas. I write down quotes I hear. I write down ideas for stage stories. As I do that, I become more receptive, and more ideas and songs come to me. It’s a tool that says to my subconscious, “Send more my way!” And the subconscious always responds.

Gratitude is the same way. It says, “I am receptive! Send more!” And more arrives.

• Because gratitude is about creativity.

Creativity is really all about attention. (So is genius.)

When I write a song, I build a relationship with that song. I spend time with it. I get to know it. I pay attention to it. Artists do the same thing with drawings. They spend time in rapt attention, and the drawing is born.

Gratitude is how we Live Creative. It is a creative act to notice and pay attention to the moments of your life. Some days it’s an enormous act of creativity to find things for which to be thankful.

Start today.

And have a Thanksgiving of presence, creativity, and gratitude! [Thanks Christine!]

Gratitide Cafe by CoreyThrace on Flickr
Cratitidue Tage by eekim on FLickr

Performer, songwriter, and creativity consultant Christine Kane publishes her ‘LiveCreative’ weekly ezine with more than 8,000 subscribers. If you want to be the artist of your life and create authentic and lasting success, you can sign up for a FRE*E subscription to LiveCreative at www.christinekane.com.

The 1st annual International Au Pair Appreciation Week was such a success that we’re doing it again this year, from May 17 to May 21st.

Au Pair Appreciation Week is our chance as host moms and dads to celebrate what we enjoy the most about having au pairs in our family lives.

Although moms and dads who ask for advice here on AuPairMom are occasionally accused of being grumpy, demanding, and/or hard to live with, we all know that we wouldn’t even BE host moms and dads if we didn’t believe that having an au pair could be a great experience. After talking with and hearing from so many host families, I firmly believe that behind every bad au pair story there are dozens of happy au pair stories just waiting to be told.

Au Pair Appreciation Week is your chance to share those stories– to tell your own and to hear those of other host families.

3 Options for Sharing “Appreciations”

We have some great participants on this site who love to write, and from whom we can expect some lovely stories. But also, there are lots of host parents who might prefer a shorter, more concise mode of sharing. And, there are host parents probably prefer pictures to words. For APAW we’ll have three different options for sharing what you appreciate about your au pair.

1. Tell us a story about something that your au pair did for you, your kids, your family, or anyone else. Enjoy the opportunity to tell us as much as you want, however you want to, anywhere between 50 and 500 words. Depending on how many stories we receive, I’ll either set them up as one big post, or unfold a series of happy stories over the course of APAW.

2. Share just one characteristic, action or vignette, but this time in the short form. You can have more that the 140 characters of twitter, but you can make it as short as a paragraph.

3. Send in a photo, with a brief caption.

Rules of APAW:

1. Anyone can participate– Host Parents, host kids, grandparents, neighbors and au pairs too.

2. You may submit as many appreciations as you like– but please make each appreciation about only one au pair at a time. Let each au pair have her or his own appreciation (unless it’s some kind of special case).

3. Your appreciation can be for your current au pair, a former au pair, or another au pair you know.

4. If you use your au pair’s name or likeness, you must have her or his explicit permission to share it. Probably best to use a pseudonym, especially if you want to surprise her or him with a little public praise.

5. Your real name and email address must be part of the submission. However, I will only publish your name if you ASK ME to. Otherwise, you will be anonymous. You’ve gotta opt in to become an AuPairMom celebrity host parent, okay?

6. By virtue of sending it to me in an email, you’re allowing me (CV Harquail) to publish your story, paragraph and/or photo here on AuPairMom.

7. Remember that computer glitches and stuff might get in the way of this being super-efficient. Let’s see how it goes.

How to submit your appreciations:

– Submit your appreciation via email to mom at AuPairMom dot com

– Please put APAW in the subject so that I can sort submissions easily from my other email.

– Put your story in the BODY of the email text, not as an attachment.

– Put the caption of your photo in the body of the email text, and make your photo an attachment.

– Submissions may be sent anytime between now (May 3rd) and May 20th. Send some soon so that I can queue them up and be ready to let loose the love on May 19th.

Questions? Anything I forgot? Anyone want to make us a pretty APAW button or banner? Let me know.

We are all looking forward to hearing your great stories of Au Pair Appreciation!

Truly one of the joys of being a host parent is watching your au pair blossom as a citizen of the world and as as a person. I look back in hindsight now and wish that for each of our au pairs, I had written them a note at the start of their year to give them at the end, just so I could document for them and for myself how much they had grown.

I was thinking about this last week when we here at AuPairMom got an email from a young (American) woman who wanted some advice about whether an au pair year would be a good thing…

I just ran across your blog and I love it! Its really great to see things from the mother’s perspective. Currently Im considering being an Au Pair, basically everything is set up for me to travel to Istanbul, now I just have to decide if it is the right decision for me.

I love children, I am a part time nanny for my 3 year old nephew, so I am confident I would be a great Au Pair. I am worried though, because I do not know any Turkish, and would not be taking language classes there. I am going to study up on the language before hand.

Basically, I was wondering if you had an opinion on whether taking a year off of college to be an Au Pair is really worth it. The family I would be living with sounds wonderful and Istanbul would be an amazing place to live for a year. With your experience, did your Au Pairs like their time abroad, did they think it was a good decision for them?

Any advice would be wonderful.

Host parents, how have you seen your au pairs blossom over their year with your family? How did they grow?

© Photo used with permission of the artist: “Watch out world, my daughters are growing up” from SarahWV on Flickr

From a press release issued by Cultural Care: CAMBRIDGE, Mass., April 10 /PRNewswire/

A young journalism student from Natal, Brazil who has shown compassion and dedication in his daily care for a special needs boy, has earned the distinction of being named the"International Au Pair of the Year". [Check out the YouTube video, which is a bit of promotional material for Cultural Care, but also tells the great story.]

Francisco Ricardo Silva de Araujo, au pair to the Boyer family of Richmond, Virginia was presented with the award at the 15th Annual International Au Pair Association Conference in Vienna, Austria on March 25th. The "Au Pair of the Year" Award honors au pairs who are caring, dependable and exceptional providers of childcare to their host family.

The Boyer family nominated Ricardo for this prestigious award because of his devotion to their son, Taylor. Taylor is multi-handicapped and does not speak. Ricardo wrote in his finalist essay, "I want to thank Taylor for all that he has taught me. His disability it is not an obstacle for his happiness. I came to America as an au pair, and I will leave a better human." A student of journalism at Universidade Federal do Rio Grande do Norte and former primary school assistant, Ricardo became an au pair for the opportunity to live in the United States and become part of a real American family.

The International Au Pair Association established the Au Pair of the Year Award to recognize the many great young men and women participating in the au pair program. Ricardo was selected out of hundreds of nominations from around the world from more than 50,000 host families.

"Ricardo is an exceptional young man, full of compassion, patience, gentleness, and a desire to see the disabled enjoy a life like yours and mine as much as possible. He never tires of encouraging Taylor to meet his challenges and reach beyond them whenever possible," says Kim Boyer, Ricardo’s host mother. "He has truly enhanced Taylor’s life in a way I never thought possible."

The International Au Pair Association is the global trade association for qualified au pair agencies actively engaged in the au pair industry. http://iapa.org

Well, we’ve come to the end of the very first annual

International Au Pair Appreciation Week!

Thank you to  the host moms and dads who sent in the stories for the Au Pair Appreciation posts this week.

Thank you to all of you who commented on the stories, offered snippets of your own stories, and helped us acknowledge the range of ways that these au pairs added to the lives of their host families.

Thank you to readers who sent a link to AuPairMom to other host families. And,

Thank you to all of you who read these posts and then were more appreciative of what you have been able to create with your own au pairs within your own families.

Myself, I’ve been thinking about our great au pairs and what it was with each of them that my family and I enjoyed so much.

• Was it Clara’s kindness and sensitivity when I had to tell the girls that their beloved grandfather had died? Or the way she woke the girls up every morning with a cuddle and a smile?
• Was it Sandrine’s naughty influence on my two year old, where they splashed together in puddles and finger-painted each other in the garden?
• Or how Margit dressed the baby in ribbons and bows, lots of them, at once?
• Was it Collette’s abundance of love, for everyone and everything?
• Or the way Anusha pretended to like the cats becuase the girls loved them so?
• Was it Daiva’s effort to teach the girls everything she could?
• Maybe, Leisel’s interpretive dance concerts in the playroom?
• Or, Krishnie’s way of creating calm and competence in any situation?
• Could it be Elrina’s indomitable spirit and the way she embraced every day as a new opportunity?

Well, it is all of those things, and more.

Most of all, what I appreciate about our au pairs is their willingness to come into our lives, share the craziness, and add to the love. Thank you to all of you for what you have given our family.

And Thank You
to all of you au pairs, for working hard to care for our kids, to contribute to our families, and to share your adventure with us.

Comments are still open, if you want to add one last appreciation!
Photo by Erica Marshall of muddyboots.org
"…love and you will do wonderful things in the world" available from LivingstonandPorter on Etsy.

As shared by a Host Mom for her family

Why do we appreciate our au pair so much?   Our AP is beloved by both my kids. They are five years apart and so have very different world views and needs, yet she is able to have a great time on a daily basis with both of them. They respect her as much as they love her. This is a joy to watch.

Our AP saves my sanity. When I come home from work and the kids go berserk, she will lure them to the bathtub with good cheer so I can have a few minutes to transition.

Our AP is a diplomat. She does not complain about the piles of paperwork on our kitchen table or the hideous linoleum in her room. She eats whatever we cook. She ignores the parental squabbles she overhears and neutralizes sibling feuds with a calmness I wish I could emulate more consistently!

Our AP is a font of stability. When I was in a car accident on the way to the office last fall and was unable to work for what ended up being the next four months, she kept the kids on track. She was there when Mom suddenly couldn’t stand to be around the kids for very long because of the noise and movement, couldn’t walk straight or hold a conversation for several weeks (I had a severe concussion).

Honestly, I don’t know what all she did during those days, but I know that my kids were able to keep up with homework and activities and not feel like their world had fallen apart because Mom’s had. I know that because of her, my husband, who had a new boss at the time, could get back to work and not jeopardize his own career while taking care of me. And I know that because of her, my recovery was faster than if I had been also worrying about the kids or trying to take care of them myself.

These days, our AP is like a jump drive. She holds some extra memory capacity as I continue the slow transition back to full time work (like the day a couple weeks ago when I completely forgot about Kindergarten orientation, and she called to ask me when I would like her to pick me up from work so I could make it on time).

Our AP’s friends cannot believe the wall in her room that is covered with drawings from the kids. They get a little jealous of how much the kids clearly adore her. I get a tiny little bit jealous that she gets all the drawings, but at bottom I am so proud that my girls are able to show their hearts and trust so openly, even after the rematches and crises we’ve been through.

Our AP is not perfect, but since we are not either, we are sympatico. I am grateful to be able to host her in our family for another year. I’m sure we will continue to grow together, and I hope that next year I can help her figure out her own path, as she has helped me as I rebuild mine.