It’s not “wrong”, necessarily. But it sure is awkward.
This Host Mom’s 22 year old au pair seems to be “dating” the 20 year old step son.
It’s awkward not just because the Host Mom’s pretty sure they’re intimate, but also because their relationship messes with the idea of the au pair being “part of the family”.
If the Au Pair is part of the family, then dating the step son is kind of like incest. Except it isn’t…
… because “part of the family” is a metaphor– a shorthand, if you will — for the closeness, type of concern, and equality of treatment that host parents should strive for with their au pairs.
There’s a lot that’s kindof icky in the email, below, and in the situation overall. Sorry about that, and not to be salacious, but I left in the details because they seem to matter.
How would you handle this situation?
What would you say to the Au Pair, the StepSon, the Spouse?
Should this Host Mom be bothered by the relationship, if the Au Pair kept it out of the Master bedroom?
I am writing you from really desperate position. I am host mum from Europe. I have two lovely kids and one step son, who is 20. My partner and I together for 8 years, so my step-son has been part of my life and my “family” for a long time. My relationship with step son is quite neutral — he is adult, he behaves nicely to his little siblings, he lives alone, and he visits often for weekends. He usually mostly spends time with the his sister and brother.
I travel quite a bit because of work, so our au pair is often home with my husband and kids.
Now to the suspicion- Either I am crazy or my au pair is having affair with the son. About a month ago, after a weekend when I was away for work, I was cleaning my bedroom and found used condoms in the trash basket. More recently, I found used condoms in the bathroom trash. Usually, it’s the au pair’s job to empty wastebaskets, but both times she was off duty.
Several times when I have been at home and our au pair has been off duty, my step son has driven our au pair to some event or home from some event in middle of the night. (He borrows one of our cars for that.) On her Facebook, she’s got many pictures of them together. She left her account open once at our computer and messages from him popped up, him asking about when I’m expected to be away for work.
On some of the mentioned pictures on facebook my husband has also been included, so I confronted him about the au pair’s relationship with my step son. My husband told me that they just seem like good friends and that he doesnt know any details.
What bothers me is that no one seems to be telling the truth. And I’m upset that they possibly had sex in my and my husband’s bedroom while kids were in house.
Should I confront our au pair? My stepson? Is this kind of relationship even appropriate?
Thank you ~confused host mum