Comments on: Awkward: It’s not a walk of shame if we know you are safe http://AuPairMom.com/awkward-its-not-a-walk-of-shame-if-we-know-you-are-safeau/2010/03/08/celiaharquail/ Helping Host Parents and Au Pairs build great relationships. Thu, 09 Feb 2012 08:40:11 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Anonymous http://AuPairMom.com/awkward-its-not-a-walk-of-shame-if-we-know-you-are-safeau/2010/03/08/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-8431 Anonymous Thu, 22 Apr 2010 02:17:39 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=2776#comment-8431 I feel the same, I am shocked by this. I can't imagine any family letting a stranger in their home, especially while the entire family is so vulnerable while they are sleeping, especially with daughters. Another point in regards to Anna, who posted: "In the US, you shouldn’t have told your hostmom. She might have tried to dissuade you from abortion into having a baby, and if you still went with your decision, she might have had difficult time with her conscience after that, and difficult time continuing hosting you (disappointment in you). " Pregnancy and abortion is a very serious issue...and I believe that the host mother should be told. Abortion is not always the answer, it has lifelong ramifications, both physically and psychologically and is an invasive medical procedure. All options must be explored and this can only be done by discussion, thorough education of each option (has a young woman from another country know that at 8 weeks there is a heartbeat and fingers and toes?) and an abundance of careful thought. If my daughter were an Au Pair and found herself pregnant, I would pray that my daughter would not go through this alone and that someone would take the time to help her make the right decision...and if she did choose abortion, she had a responsible, compassionate adult to help her each step of the way. Abortion should never be the first answer and requires careful consideration. Her second point refers to not telling the host mom because she "would not continue hosting you." Keeping her Au Pair position should be the least of her worries if she was pregnant and considering a life changing decision of abortion. At a time like this, it is probably time to go home for support and healing. I feel the same, I am shocked by this. I can’t imagine any family letting a stranger in their home, especially while the entire family is so vulnerable while they are sleeping, especially with daughters.

Another point in regards to Anna, who posted: “In the US, you shouldn’t have told your hostmom. She might have tried to dissuade you from abortion into having a baby, and if you still went with your decision, she might have had difficult time with her conscience after that, and difficult time continuing hosting you (disappointment in you). ”

Pregnancy and abortion is a very serious issue…and I believe that the host mother should be told. Abortion is not always the answer, it has lifelong ramifications, both physically and psychologically and is an invasive medical procedure. All options must be explored and this can only be done by discussion, thorough education of each option (has a young woman from another country know that at 8 weeks there is a heartbeat and fingers and toes?) and an abundance of careful thought. If my daughter were an Au Pair and found herself pregnant, I would pray that my daughter would not go through this alone and that someone would take the time to help her make the right decision…and if she did choose abortion, she had a responsible, compassionate adult to help her each step of the way. Abortion should never be the first answer and requires careful consideration.

Her second point refers to not telling the host mom because she “would not continue hosting you.” Keeping her Au Pair position should be the least of her worries if she was pregnant and considering a life changing decision of abortion. At a time like this, it is probably time to go home for support and healing.

]]> By: HostdadinNJ http://AuPairMom.com/awkward-its-not-a-walk-of-shame-if-we-know-you-are-safeau/2010/03/08/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-7446 HostdadinNJ Fri, 12 Mar 2010 16:13:06 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=2776#comment-7446 I have zero interest in whether or not our Au Pair has relationships, either physical or otherswise with anyone. I want her to make friends and enjoy herself here, as any 20something woman should. I don't need her to define for me what her version of "fun" is. What I do ask, is our Au pair simply send us a text if she is keeping the car out past a certain time, or if she is staying out overnight. My cell volume is off at night, so if I wake up and she isn't home, I simply look at the phone and know that she is ok. To the young woman who needed an abortion, I feel sorry you went through that alone. Moral and religous views aside, this is not something you should have to deal with by yourself, and quality medical care is imperative regardless of the decision. Your post gave me something to think about, as we have always let our Au Pair know that if she ever needs us when she is out, say she took the car and wasn't expected to drink but ended up doing so, to please call the house if she is stuck and can't get home. We assure her we would not get mad (assuming it isn't habit) as our concern would be to get her home safely. Perhaps with future Au Pairs, either in the manual or some other way, my wife will discuss the possibility of more sensitive issues (getting pregnant, catching an STD, etc) as sensitive as can be and try and let the woman know that she could come to her if something should happen and she need assistance. I have zero interest in whether or not our Au Pair has relationships, either physical or otherswise with anyone. I want her to make friends and enjoy herself here, as any 20something woman should. I don’t need her to define for me what her version of “fun” is. What I do ask, is our Au pair simply send us a text if she is keeping the car out past a certain time, or if she is staying out overnight. My cell volume is off at night, so if I wake up and she isn’t home, I simply look at the phone and know that she is ok.

To the young woman who needed an abortion, I feel sorry you went through that alone. Moral and religous views aside, this is not something you should have to deal with by yourself, and quality medical care is imperative regardless of the decision.

Your post gave me something to think about, as we have always let our Au Pair know that if she ever needs us when she is out, say she took the car and wasn’t expected to drink but ended up doing so, to please call the house if she is stuck and can’t get home. We assure her we would not get mad (assuming it isn’t habit) as our concern would be to get her home safely. Perhaps with future Au Pairs, either in the manual or some other way, my wife will discuss the possibility of more sensitive issues (getting pregnant, catching an STD, etc) as sensitive as can be and try and let the woman know that she could come to her if something should happen and she need assistance.

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]]> By: HRHM http://AuPairMom.com/awkward-its-not-a-walk-of-shame-if-we-know-you-are-safeau/2010/03/08/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-7409 HRHM Thu, 11 Mar 2010 19:02:12 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=2776#comment-7409 I'm with you. I wouldn't want to wake up and find some strange man I don't know walking the halls of my house in the middle of the night. How do you know she isn't bringing home a pedophile, theif, serial killer or rapist? ! :0 I’m with you. I wouldn’t want to wake up and find some strange man I don’t know walking the halls of my house in the middle of the night. How do you know she isn’t bringing home a pedophile, theif, serial killer or rapist? ! :0

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]]> By: TX Mom http://AuPairMom.com/awkward-its-not-a-walk-of-shame-if-we-know-you-are-safeau/2010/03/08/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-7405 TX Mom Thu, 11 Mar 2010 15:44:55 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=2776#comment-7405 I prefer the BF's back home for all these reasons. :) When the BF is local our AP's get distracted with their duties. I am glad that there are countless men I have not met, but most of the "serious" BF's have come to our house and generally they have been great guys and they are welcome. (They have respected our rules and our AP's duties.) That being said, our kids got attached to one BF and were very disappointed that the AP did not remain as attached to him. I prefer the BF’s back home for all these reasons. :) When the BF is local our AP’s get distracted with their duties.
I am glad that there are countless men I have not met, but most of the “serious” BF’s have come to our house and generally they have been great guys and they are welcome. (They have respected our rules and our AP’s duties.) That being said, our kids got attached to one BF and were very disappointed that the AP did not remain as attached to him.

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]]> By: TX Mom http://AuPairMom.com/awkward-its-not-a-walk-of-shame-if-we-know-you-are-safeau/2010/03/08/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-7404 TX Mom Thu, 11 Mar 2010 15:33:32 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=2776#comment-7404 LOL about the mobile phone in your name! Good lesson to all of us. I agree about the fatigue concern so we set a curfew on "work nights." Our AP's must be home 8 hours before being on duty. It doesn't guarantee that they actually get 8 hours of sleep, but at least it avoids the fear of "will they pull into the driveway before I have to leave for work?" LOL about the mobile phone in your name! Good lesson to all of us.

I agree about the fatigue concern so we set a curfew on “work nights.” Our AP’s must be home 8 hours before being on duty. It doesn’t guarantee that they actually get 8 hours of sleep, but at least it avoids the fear of “will they pull into the driveway before I have to leave for work?”

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]]> By: Hula Gal http://AuPairMom.com/awkward-its-not-a-walk-of-shame-if-we-know-you-are-safeau/2010/03/08/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-7402 Hula Gal Thu, 11 Mar 2010 15:12:33 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=2776#comment-7402 I'm a very liberal person but I am stunned that so many host parents allow their au pairs to bring men home for overnight visits. It just seems to be so innapropriate and I also worry about the security aspect. Do you know these men before she brings them over? I’m a very liberal person but I am stunned that so many host parents allow their au pairs to bring men home for overnight visits. It just seems to be so innapropriate and I also worry about the security aspect. Do you know these men before she brings them over?

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]]> By: Calif Mom http://AuPairMom.com/awkward-its-not-a-walk-of-shame-if-we-know-you-are-safeau/2010/03/08/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-7389 Calif Mom Thu, 11 Mar 2010 01:51:32 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=2776#comment-7389 Come to think of it, our handbook says "no men overnight". None have ever asked to bring a guy home. Maybe HD intimidates them too much? Come to think of it, our handbook says “no men overnight”. None have ever asked to bring a guy home. Maybe HD intimidates them too much?

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]]> By: Calif Mom http://AuPairMom.com/awkward-its-not-a-walk-of-shame-if-we-know-you-are-safeau/2010/03/08/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-7388 Calif Mom Thu, 11 Mar 2010 01:50:16 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=2776#comment-7388 (love your "handle", by the way. APs--this is an idiom lesson. Go look it up on wikipedia... :-) ) (love your “handle”, by the way. APs–this is an idiom lesson. Go look it up on wikipedia… :-) )

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]]> By: Calif Mom http://AuPairMom.com/awkward-its-not-a-walk-of-shame-if-we-know-you-are-safeau/2010/03/08/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-7387 Calif Mom Thu, 11 Mar 2010 01:48:12 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=2776#comment-7387 That has been our policy, too. If you would like to have someone stay over (any gender) just let us know. If you aren't coming home, just let us know. So far, it works. I don't worry, they don't feel like I'm prying, and HD doesn't get surprised walking around the house in his jammies in the morning! :-) That has been our policy, too. If you would like to have someone stay over (any gender) just let us know. If you aren’t coming home, just let us know. So far, it works. I don’t worry, they don’t feel like I’m prying, and HD doesn’t get surprised walking around the house in his jammies in the morning! :-)

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]]> By: momto2 http://AuPairMom.com/awkward-its-not-a-walk-of-shame-if-we-know-you-are-safeau/2010/03/08/celiaharquail/comment-page-1/#comment-7377 momto2 Wed, 10 Mar 2010 11:15:09 +0000 http://AuPairMom.com/?p=2776#comment-7377 This has been a very big issue with 2 of our au pairs. We do realize that these are adults, however, from our experience, we feel it is necessary to set up some rules with regard to dating and socializing. One of our AP's got involved with a pretty rowdy crowd of other AP's and their AP "groupies" (don't know about you all, but we have a bunch of young guys who seem to just seem to comb the AP circuit looking for new girls to date), and she made some pretty irresponsible choices with regards to staying out all night, every weekend. It is not possible to lead this lifestyle and not have it impact your job. She eventually crashed our car, out of fatigue, while driving the kids to school. Another AP got involved in a relationship with a married man. We appreciate that AP's are adults, but we also have to be cognizant of the role model aspect, and we feel this teaches a negative lesson to our children about marriage and trust. And, what happens when the "wife" finds all of the AP's phone calls and texts in her husband's phone? Um, the phone is registered in my name. All-in-all, we understand that there has to be some latitude to have a personal life, but when the AP makes choices that negatively impact the host family's safety, this is when we feel we need to step in and set up some guidelines. It's only one year. This has been a very big issue with 2 of our au pairs. We do realize that these are adults, however, from our experience, we feel it is necessary to set up some rules with regard to dating and socializing. One of our AP’s got involved with a pretty rowdy crowd of other AP’s and their AP “groupies” (don’t know about you all, but we have a bunch of young guys who seem to just seem to comb the AP circuit looking for new girls to date), and she made some pretty irresponsible choices with regards to staying out all night, every weekend. It is not possible to lead this lifestyle and not have it impact your job. She eventually crashed our car, out of fatigue, while driving the kids to school. Another AP got involved in a relationship with a married man. We appreciate that AP’s are adults, but we also have to be cognizant of the role model aspect, and we feel this teaches a negative lesson to our children about marriage and trust. And, what happens when the “wife” finds all of the AP’s phone calls and texts in her husband’s phone? Um, the phone is registered in my name. All-in-all, we understand that there has to be some latitude to have a personal life, but when the AP makes choices that negatively impact the host family’s safety, this is when we feel we need to step in and set up some guidelines. It’s only one year.

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