Au Pair’s Dr. Host Dad insisting she receive Vitamin B shots? No. No. No.

by cv harquail on February 19, 2015

This particular pair of host parents wins the prize for “Most Invasive Expectations”.

I received an email from an au pair currently working in Europe. She writes:injection-and-apple

Hi AuPairMom– I don’t know any other au pairs and so I’m hoping to get some advice from you on this difficult situation.

I have been living with a very affluent European family for almost 5 months. There have been a few bumps in the road but overall they are very nice people and the kids are awesome.

A few things have happened the last week that I am concerned about but am not sure what to do about them.

The more pressing concern is that the host father is a doctor. When I first got here he made me take blood tests to look at my vitamin levels. I didn’t really want to but it didn’t feel like an option.

I have not stopped being sick in some way since living in here in (northern Europe), cold after cold and the flu a couple of times and a really bad stomach bug.

My host father has been giving me b12 injections. I really didn’t want to take the needles but he really pressured me into it and it didn’t feel like an option.  

Now he wants me to take all these vitamin supplements (some I don’t even understand what they are).

My own parents don’t believe that I should be taking these supplements and they are concerned about Dr. Host Dad’s views on allergies. (I have anaphylactic allergies to a few things and Dr. Host Dad seems to think he can cure them with his supplements. Of curse, this is medical nonsense).

To make things worse, allergies and vitamins aren’t the focus of his practice; he’s a radiologist.

When I told Dr. Host Dad that I did not want to take his pills, he got so angry that he said that he is going to bill me for everything (thousands of dollars apparently). I was really frustrated with this response. He also got mad at me in front of guests he had at his house, which was very embarrassing.

To top everything off I asked them a few times about their plans for the two weeks the kids have off at Easter. The Host Mother made no indication that I would be coming with them. I offered to work for them during their vacation but she said no, there wasn’t room for me at the vacation house.

She also said that I should have those two weeks off. I mentioned several times that I might travel home to the USA for the two weeks since I wasn’t invited to go with them on their vacation.

The Host Dad said it was stupid for me to go home. He said I should travel Europe. But, since I’ve already traveled while I have been here and have many more plans for the summer, I booked my ticket home.

When I told them my plans, Dr, Host Dad got mad — he claimed he wanted to bring me with them on one of the two weeks. He’d never said anything about that before. He is now very passive aggressive about my trip home.

I don’t know what to do. I feel vulnerable and and very disappointed about his overly controlling behavior.

I don’t know what to do, Please help!! ~ Vulnerable AuPair

Dear Vulnerable AuPair-

The idea that your host dad is requiring you to accept injections of vitamins that you have not be prescribed by your own doctor is a violation of his medical license. More importantly, it is a violation of your autonomy over your own body.

It is completely inappropriate and abusive. Without considering any of the other details, this is grounds for you to depart right away.

This does not seem like a situation where you’ll be able to negotiate your way to being treated with respect.

It’s beyond distressing that your host Dad would ask this of you, and that your Host Mom would agree. They are both failing you. And I can’t imagine they’d ever want someone to treat their children this way. As much as you like the kinds, I think you should leave.

Of course, that’s up to you. Regardless of your decision to stay or go, though, you must speak up for yourself more forcefully.

Use this as a learning situation, and experiment with asserting your rights, telling them what you will and will not do, and making deisions for yourself.

Au Pair years are supposed to be adventures and chances to learn and grow. Seems like
you need to grow stronger in the face of pressures to submit to illegitimate authority.

Readers– what should this vulnerable Au Pair consider?


ILHostMom February 19, 2015 at 7:25 pm

This situations sounds super creepy! I would be so freaked out if someone was insisting that they give me injections. It is extremely controlling and if you’ve only been there 4 months, who knows what will be next. I’m surprised the host mom has not stepped in to intervene. Spell out for him that in order for you to stay, he will no longer be allowed to administer any kind of medicine or supplement and that you are firm on this. You are not his guinea pig and he has no right to make your medical decisions for you.

Host Mom X February 19, 2015 at 7:33 pm

Well, this situation just seems so very egregious to me that I don’t really have much to say except for: “get out.” Injecting someone with ANYTHING against their will? Yikes. Dr. Host Dad sound scary and sadistic the way this is described. (Okay, I get that he’s not tying her down and that there was some sort of reluctant agreement to the injections because the AP feels uncomfortable saying no and Dr. Host Dad pressured her – but this whole thing sounds soooooo off and possibly illegal and definitely violative of many things on so many levels.)

(HostMomX — I’m setting the other issue up as its own post. Look for it Monday.)

ProPair February 19, 2015 at 8:43 pm

WOW. Weird, creepy, scary, almost certainly illegal. Your host dad sounds kind of obsessive, like he’s testing out a personal theory on you. I know you probably don’t want to pack up and leave the country all together, but you should leave the family. If you went through an agency hit them up right away, if not, contact the Immigration bureau (probably where you applied for your residence permit) for advice. I believe the Netherlands and Denmark have government-run helplines for au pairs in distressing situations. Check Google for one in your host country.

As much as I’m sure you love the kids, your host dad is violating a basic human right by insisting (or at least heavily pressuring) that you treat your body a certain way. I would give them my two weeks and be prepared to stay at a hostel while searching for a new family. In an affluent area of Europe, families looking for au pairs are relatively abundant. A friend of mine spent 8 months with a nightmare family, was kicked out when she asked for a change in her working conditions, and had a new family that she got along with perfectly in less than two weeks.

My heart goes out to the OP. Best of luck to her.

Lígia February 19, 2015 at 8:53 pm

OMG! That sounds like an actual nightmare! (this really sounds like some bad dreams I have).

I would say get out now! Pack your things and never go back!

He’s very controlling, god knows what he’s injecting you against your will, he gets upset over small things (what if you want to travel home for your break?), for me he sounds like a creep and I doubt it can get better (and I wouldn’t want to risk it getting much worse).

Please get out!

Old China Hand February 19, 2015 at 9:02 pm

Go home! This isn’t appropriate at all.

NbHostMom February 19, 2015 at 9:09 pm

As everyone else has said, it is time for you to move on. There are multiple boundaries that your host dad has crossed, all of which are deal breakers in my book. If you want to continue your AP year, start looking for another family while staying in a youth hostel…. I’m sure there is a much better situation waiting for you with another host family.

RE vacation: I don’t thing an AP should ever assume they will join their host family on vacation. I do think host parents need to be up front about the situation from the start, which doesn’t seem to be the case in this situation.

Taking a Computer Lunch February 19, 2015 at 10:04 pm

I assume you are in Europe, and therefore don’t have the protections that APs working in the United States have. I agree – end your relationship with this family. The HD sounds abusive and manipulative. He obviously needs to be in control. Either find another family or go home.

spanishaupair February 20, 2015 at 6:24 am

OMG!! Seriouslly that sounds crazy.

Just leave. You probably love the kids but i dont thibk is worth it and if you decide to stay in the country you can find a HF who will treat you much better and sure you will also love the kids. If you decide to stay in the coountry just start to search if you state in your profile that you are in country and available for interviews you will find quite easy a new family.

Good luck

CAtoTXMom February 20, 2015 at 8:11 am

Wow! This is an awful situation. He is doing this that are illegal and against your human rights. The fact that he is acting the way he is about your vacation to the US is that he is worried that you will wise up and realize that you are living in a nightmare. Sometimes we don’t realize how bad things are until we get distance from them. I would advise you to leave now, but at the very least take your vacation to the US and think through if this is the kind of Au pair experience you really want to have. My worry for you is that he might find a way to make sure you don’t go, like hiding your passport. This is a potentially very scary situation.

WarmStateMomma February 20, 2015 at 8:15 am

I agree with the others – you need to leave this family as soon as possible. The host dad sounds abusive and manipulative, if not mentally unstable. This is just beyond the bounds of personal differences, cultural differences, etc.

BTW – he can’t “bill you” for his shady “medical” services without admitting to the world what he was doing to you. This is just more manipulation and further proof that you need to leave this man’s home.

Peachtree Mom February 20, 2015 at 9:15 am

Get out!!! That host Dad sounds more than a bit “off” and a control nut. You are what is considered a vulnerable population and he has no right to harrass you like that. Who knows what is being put into your body!! He can’t charge you for the vitamins or “treatments” he gave you. That is a crock. What a terrible situation you are in.

PA host mom February 20, 2015 at 9:59 am

You sound like an intelligent young woman and have received sound advice from others here. Our family has had 9 years of APs and do I realize that you sometimes have a hard time saying No to forceful parents. If you already have made your view known and it sounds like you have, I would recommend that you look immediately for an alternate place to stay (hostel or local friend) and try to find another family or alternative legal employment. Perhaps even study as European colleges offer good rates. Remember your US embassy is also a resource if he becomes abusive or takes your passport! Make a copy and keep it safe. Time to move on.

HRHM February 20, 2015 at 10:55 am

As a HM who is also a physician, I can tell you that what he is doing would be frowned upon highly as unethical, even in countries with “looser” standards than the US. Here we are “allowed, but discouraged” from treating our own family members due to the inability to avoid a conflict of interest and personal bias in their care.

I will write for antibiotic eyedrops for my kids’ pink eye but would never do anything to them that was painful or required ongoing monitoring. Our ethics asks us to establish a de facto Dr/patient relationship for those kinds of treatments. He isn’t your doctor and you aren’t his patient.

Another PP is correct, there is no way that he could actually bill you for any “care” so you can stop worrying about that.

If you want to stay with the famliy, (I get it that this may otherwise be a pretty good gig, nice hours, great location, kids you love) I say you sit the HPs down, show them this post and the responses and let them know that you would like to stay but will not unless they agree (HD) to stop acting like you are a patient. Your health is only their concern as it impacts your work ability and if and when that’s the case, you will see an independant doctor of your choosing in town.

Stand your ground. Sadly, especially in other countries, male doctors are used to being able to just tell people what to do and have them follow along without question. Once you firmly let him know your position, he’ll either ask you to leave, or leave you alone.

hOstCDmom February 20, 2015 at 11:41 am

Agree fully with what HRHM wrote, except for showing the post. But as someone who works with victims of domestic violence, I would caution showing this post. This HD is abusing the AP. He is in a position of power and control, and he is exercising coercive control over the AP. “Throwing the post in his face” may endanger the AP. The HD may view that as threatening, and a public disclosure of what he is doing. An abuser who is threatened may act unpredictably, including violently. AP should have an exit plan for when she confronts HD – such as a friend waiting outside, in car or otherwise. And a bag of essentials (passport, wallet, phone, key items, jacket) packed so she can walk out and leave for good if her safety dictates doing so.

hOstCDmom February 20, 2015 at 11:49 am

AP – please also consider the possibility that you are continually getting sick BECAUSE of what the HD is giving you. Drugging, or messing with medications (i.e. substituting placebos for antidepressants, messing with birth control, low level poisoning that messes with cognitive function etc., is a common abuser tactic.

WarmStateMomma February 20, 2015 at 1:41 pm

If the AP were my daughter, I would tell her to move out as soon as the family is away from home. I wouldn’t want her to risk a confrontation with this guy, nor would I want her to leave young children unattended. The host family has no right to advance notice once they cross the line into abusive behavior.

Veronique February 20, 2015 at 11:49 am

I agree with HRHM,

Have a good discussion with both HP, remain calm and be clear and firm: I would focus on those things:

You can see that HD intentions were good in giving you vitamins (I’m an md too, and my son’s paediatrician has become a vitamin freak too, and prescribes me B12 – some believe that nutrition is tomorrow’s medicine – it’s not stupid, but you can (and should from now on) refuse it )
You can say that despite good intentions, you are not comfortable with this and you don’t want anymore vitamin treatment.
You should mention that you were intimidated by the yelling and threats to pay fees. (He probably is a men that gets upset easily and probably did not mean to have you pay money for it – he probably knows that that was wrong but may never apologies… ) You NEED to tell him calmly that you felt a lack of respect and that this went beyond the limits that you are confortable with. Tell him that you expect a host family to protect and care for you, and that you felt cared for until that incident arrived (if it’s true).
About your holidays, probably a mom/dad miscommunication: tel them that you are sorry about the misunderstanding, that your tickets are booked and that you will be going home for your holidays – that you are expecting them to be ok with that.

If you are opened and truly believe that they are good people in the end, if you remain calm and respectful, this conversation should turn well. They will be impressed with how mature you are, be sorry that they made you feel that way (they may not tell you that they are sorry but you will know that they are) and you will go back to the good old times.
I would give that a try -if this does not work, consider leaving…

Definitely, no more “treatments” and no bill for the vitamins. No cancelling your ticket to the US: just be firm about those things.

Running away or talking behind their backs is easy, but you will be proud you were mature, generous and understanding, looking back at your experience.

Mimi February 20, 2015 at 12:18 pm

Being exposed to different germs and sometimes the stress of a new living situation can affect your health. I have had conversations with two APs about their health and taking better care of themselves. One was continuously sick and her health problems were negatively impacting her work and my work attendance, mostly due to her not getting enough rest. The other had refused any offers of OTC medicines for a chest cold and I eventually bundled her into the car and took her to a walk in clinic over her protests because I suspected she had pneumonia. (She did.)

I have an autoimmune disorder and take medication that affects my immune system. We live in an area with recurring flu outbreaks and ask our APs to get flu shots every year along with us and our children. We pay for it and it is in our handbook section that the APs see before matching. Some have declined and we always respect that. I would never insist or rematch over this.

This is definitely a learning situation and addressing the issue from the start as HRHM had described would have served you better, but at this point I think you need to leave immediately. Given that this pattern of behavior has been going on for 5 months, it is not likely to change, even if you stand your ground. The mixed messages from the HP and even whatever bumps in the road you’ve had before combined with his anger and lack of discretion in embarrassing you in front of guests are other red flags.

I share CAtoTXMom’s concern that someone who could invade your person in such a way would invade your privacy and take your travel documents, so be careful with them. If you are with an agency, make sure they know what has been going on and prepare to share any documentation/emails home you have about this situation and be prepared to be badmouthed by them. Find out if you can look for another family or if returning home is the best option for you and make sure that someone local you can trust is aware of what is going on.

Then have a frank conversation with your HP detailing what your decision is and stick to it. Practice what you need to say and what you would reply to some of the objections you know they will make. Remember why you are making this decision and repeat that in your mind when/if HD loses his temper and use it as a mantra to maintain your composure.

Good luck and be strong.

HRHM February 20, 2015 at 2:45 pm

With all due respect to the posters who are clearly worried about abuse and repercussions – this guy is an affluent radiologist in a European country. While he may be a bully, a control freak and a jackass, it’s pretty unlikely that he’s going to risk his license, his livelihood and his standing in the community by taking her hostage, beating her or murdering her if she confronts him. I thinks it’s pretty likely that no one ever stands up to him (especially women, including his wife) and that he’s either going to fire her, or back down.

hOstCDmom February 20, 2015 at 3:11 pm

Respectfully disagree. We don’t know all the details so we are all just speculating with the limited facts we have. And while he may not cross the line to greater abuse of the AP when confronted, he might. The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive dynamic is when she stands up to him and/or leaves. Most women killed by their abusers are killed while in the process of leaving. In my work, the abusers of women — and by abuse I mean primarily NOT physical abuse — abuse doesn’t just mean hitting, abuse is about COERCIVE CONTROL and POWER – be it financial, psychological, or physical– do NOT think about their medical licenses, their bar membership or their section 7 credentials. Successful, powerful men (and women) abuse, and do not consider what they have to lose. In fact, the more affluent and successful they are, the more immune to consequences they feel. Affluent, white collar professionals can be abusers as much as Bubba the redneck. The only difference is they are often smarter, and more successful at hiding it and getting away with it.

AlwaysHopeful HM February 20, 2015 at 3:16 pm


WarmStateMomma February 20, 2015 at 3:38 pm

I agree with hOstCDmom. There are few legal consequences even in the US for domestic violence and experienced abusers know this. Judges will even deny restraining orders after broken bones if the abuser promises not to do it again (if they have kids together, he doesn’t even have to promise not to hurt her again). Attending those DV court hearings is disturbing and depressing. The host dad has already acted outside the bounds of decency and I wouldn’t bet my safety that I know how far he is willing to go.

SeattleHD February 22, 2015 at 12:02 pm

Because well-respected members of the medical community never turn out to be crazed murderers? Who wants or needs to be page one news for a month posthumously?

This seems like a clear case of get out as fast as you can.

Seattle Mom February 20, 2015 at 2:46 pm

Yikes! Your HD does not sound like a reasonable person.

I see that you don’t know any other au pairs. Do you have any friends at all in your country? You need to have a back-up plan NOW. If you have no friends who you could stay with, start planning where you could go for a few nights. Start looking for another host family if at all possible. Or plan your trip home to be a one-way trip.

It just doesn’t sound like this guy is treating you with respect and human decency, and he might be dangerous. I would make plans to LEAVE ASAP, and don’t tell the family until the plans are already in place. In this situation I don’t think you need to give notice.

Unless you are with an agency, in that case maybe you can get help from them. They might have rules about giving notice. But if you are not with an agency you don’t have responsibility to anyone except yourself- no safety net means do what you need to do to be safe first.

I have been in a bad situation before, and I know that it is hard to get out. I know that your natural instinct is to just stay and try to make things better. But trust me, this is NOT SAFE.

TexasHM February 20, 2015 at 3:46 pm

I agree that this is not ok and needs to be addressed immediately, with quick exit plan if needed. The thing I keep wondering every time I read this is where is the host mom on all this? Does the AP have a feel on what HM thinks about the vitamins and injections? I am wondering if perhaps she can be an advocate (maybe HM is uneasy about it as well but going along because AP hasn’t protested that she has seen). Also, they are mentioned separately (HM says they don’t have room for AP on vacation and AP should take her own trip elsewhere and then HD in different conversation says they were going to take her for one week – how if there is no room?). Did HM witness HD blow up in front of guests? What was her reaction? Is HD this way with HM and the kids too? (Controlling, passive aggressive) Just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt – as in maybe he really thinks he can or is helping her and really did want to take her with them on vacation (regardless when AP says no more it needs to be over and the HPs need to commit to communicating plans to the AP better).
Does anyone else find the blood test upon arrival to “check vitamin levels” really strange? I think that’s the part that struck me the most. I guess I figure it’s one thing if AP is sick and HD is a doctor and offers a B12 shot (our incoming AP just asked me if we get these as they are common in her country too), but it’s another to test her blood without cause like he’s looking for something unprompted. I think the OP got that vibe too because she makes sure to point out that vitamins and allergies are not his practice. It could be a passion of his but that’s very invasive in general and definitely not something I would ever push on someone and as others have stated, even if she came to him interested in it he should have referred her to a friend or coworker to keeps things on the up and up. What happens if she has an allergic reaction to a supplement he gives her? Would he not be liable? This seems very risky for him as well as obviously for the AP. I don’t get it!

hOstCDmom February 20, 2015 at 4:13 pm

Maybe the initial blood test was to ck if she was pregnant, had hepatitis or was HIV positive…and vitamin levels was a ruse. Maybe not- he might just be a vitun fanatic. But even if the latter he is imposing an invasive procedure on an AP who feels her consent was not free and voluntary. That alone is a problem.

Texas Mom February 20, 2015 at 6:21 pm

That would be illegal: AP can always ask for a copy of her labs, to find out and take legal action. It’s mostly creepy to imagine that HP would do that to their AP: I don’t buy that…

AP sais she felt obliged to say yes, which may mean that she said ok…

I am a MD as well, wanting to run tests on a sick AP is not freak, and anemia is commun in young women. Having intestinal problems can be linked with B12 deficiency, and B12 is a pretty harmless treatment, that I would probably insist on giving if my AP had a proven deficiency, and needed it to feel better (not forcing, but I would explain +++). He may want her to take iron or folate along with it. It does not sounds overly suspicious to me. (Radiologists sometimes deal with images because they are not the best in interpersonal relationships and non verbal communication -they are sometimes “grumpy bastards”). That being said, there is no excuse for being a grumpy bastard with your AP, and not being able to figure out that your AP is very uncomfortable with what you are doing, and this is making me think that DrHP, including me, should maybe avoid treating their AP. But AP-drugging, secret bloodwork… I don’t buy that. (Doctors know that these conditions -HIV, hepatitis… are not dangerous for their kids, there is to utility knowing that – if she was sick, there’s a valid reason for blood work).

Texas Mom February 20, 2015 at 6:37 pm

Oh, and for liability: it’s very American to even think about being sued when treating someone. I have practiced medicine abroad, and they worry about doing things right for the person, not their lawyer; I would treat neighbours and friends if they could not see their md, and not worry about being sued for listening to their lungs in my living room… In the country I worked in, laws are different, and cases are examined for malpractice before they can be brought to court. If he gave the right treatment for the right problem, with a consent (i.e. she said yes and he sincerely though she meant it), it’s not a case for medical malpractice per se. I don’t fear allergic reactions when prescribing vitamins, and B12 shots are very safe. Doing blood work for nutritional status is considered minimally invasive, so are intramuscular shots – I would not have seen a problem doing this for my sick AP, if I understood she agreed to get tested and treated.

Christina February 20, 2015 at 4:21 pm

If you feel threatened, I’d go home at Easter and not come back. I’m a big “trust your gut” kind of person, and I think you know in your gut that something is wrong here.

old au pair mom February 20, 2015 at 4:23 pm

Dear girl, Please write an update to let us know what is happening. This is a group of caring people and we are concerned. Since your statement that you did not want any more shots, are you still getting shots? Are you still getting vitamins? If he has stopped, then I would ask whether you are traveling with them at Easter or not. It is best to ask when both host parents are together. This should give you some answers.

I understand they are very affluent and you may find that intimidating. I am very affluent and I would never force shots on my AP. My husband would not yell or make demands for money. We are grateful for the fun and love our APs have given our kids. If you are not getting kind and respectful treatment, If you feel very subject to his whims and you are worried, then you can free yourself of this relationship and not worry about the consequences to that family. They have plenty of money to hire someone else and it is not your job to fix him or stay for the kids’ sake.
Only you know how weird this situation is so don’t beat yourself up if you just pack up and go. Many APs leave for far less difficult problems with their HPs. Some APs leave because they were asked to take care of a dog! or clean out the refrigerator on a weekly basis! or they have to work on a Friday night! Be good to yourself.

USA2GB April 9, 2015 at 1:57 am

Hi old aupair mom!

Sorry about having waited until now to reply. I did stand up for myself and after everything cooled off the matter has not been brought up again. I still think the issue was handled poorly but in no way was my HF abusive or violating my human rights. I believe he was overly passionate about something and did not understand the full scope of his pressure to a young person newly living with them. I think it was very inappropriate for them to put me in that position.

Additionally I did not go with them at Easter because I was not invited…it seems that they said I would be going on all the vacations but they have not been following through on that, which I do not mind at all because I am able to make my own plans.

Thanks for the advice.

Texas Mom February 20, 2015 at 5:54 pm

AP is saying she “felt like she did not have a choice”: that leaves a lot to interpretation.
We had an AP in the past that “felt like she could not go out”.
When we would ask her if she wanted to join to the zoo, she would say “I don’t mind coming”, and we would say “well, you are welcomed to join!” and she would jump in the car. We found out later that she felt trapped and obliged to come whenever we would suggest an outing, but hated it. She told other people that she was held captive of our family. We were so happy that she made a BF and started going out.
I can see this happening with an overly enthusiastic vitamin freak HD, and an AP that says “I don’t mind”, instead of ” No thanks, I don’t want to”.
Giving shots of B12 and doing blood work to someone that says “No” is wrong, wrong wrong. Doing the same to someone that sais “I don’t mind” because they feel that they have to say yes is different. Some people “feel obliged” and therefore consent to care. The solutions there is to learn to say no, not to run away. AP needs to get that figured out for herself.
Although we understand from the text that there is a power struggle between AP and HD, we need to know more on what really happened before we can call that family abusive, AP-drugging, potential murderers… I would be terrified and confused, reading this!

USA2GR April 9, 2015 at 1:47 am

Hi this story is about my situation, and your right, a lot of the above comments were extreme. The situation was so that I decided I no longer wanted to participate and things got heated. Additionally, the HF emphasized that the program was something the entire family was involved in and I was to be part of the family.

The issue was resolved and has never been brought up again.

I do believe however that the HF should not have been pushing the tests and shots and vitamins within the first week being there…it was a very new environment and I was trying to get a long with my new employers.

As host parents it is your job to make the AP feel welcomed and comfortable. Asking if they want to join a family trip is much different than trying to convince someone to participate in medical programs that the family is involved in…and then reacting poorly when they decide to stop because they are uncomfortable.

Thank you AuPairMom for giving me some advice!

NewbieHM February 20, 2015 at 6:16 pm

He is a radiologist and your HD so he has no business prescribing/injecting you with anything. I could understand if it we were talking about an injury but that’s not the case. He crossed the line long time ago. If you feel comfortable talking with them and establishing boundaries, do so. If not, get out.

Former NOVA host mom, now in NZ February 20, 2015 at 9:41 pm

Get the heck out of there…..
Radiologist are trained to read xrays, CT scans etc not practice clinical medicine.
If you need to go to the police.

caringhp February 21, 2015 at 9:01 pm

It’s easy to tell Original Poster not to take it personally but I feel for OP. She seems to be a good HM who tries hard. How awful for her after all she did to make the APs year good and the spineless AP badmouthed the HF and now the HF is left with sideways glances from daycare staff, coworkers and others. I feel for OP having been in OPs shoes. Unfortunately APs immaturely bad mouthing HPs isn’t uncommon.
It is often exaggerated; untrue; done because APs enjoy a bit of gossip and don’t realize it can hurt or damage HF in their community long after AP returns home; or as a coverup for some other issue the AP has.

I can’t stand being talked about unjustifiably and have had enough of the AP program and my kids, spouse and I are SO happy since we took a break from AP Program.
I think of returning now and again and return here to this site and realize I don’t think I have the stamina for it. The gossip was the worst. Here are examples of the exaggerations and lies that caused negative and hurtful ripple effects for us:
– ‘my HP unfairly restricted my car use one night without notice and screwed up my plans… Very mean’ . Reality: AP had a lot to drink at home and we prohibited her from taking our car and she got very worked up despite knowing our position that drinking and driving wasn’t allowed. All our neighbors (who we don’t know well) heard through their APs that we are mean.
– ‘my HPs curfew me/make me get up early so I cannot go out and meet other APs for a late night outing’. Reality. Ap was exceptionally extreme religious conservative; didn’t agree with the flirting and drinking other APs did and didn’t want to be with them for night time outings (she did like coffee, shopping and gym day time outings with them but needed to blame someone for canceling all evening plans with them)
– ‘my HP won’t give me the car at night’. Reality. aP was unable to drive at night and was very inexperienced driver. To get her comfortable at day time driving we had to pay 500 in lessons; 1000+ for backup nanny to drive the kids after AP arrived; take 1 week off work to drive practice drives with her; and as she was initially dangerous at night driving we had to wait an additional 2 months for her to be safe enough to drive alone at night and even then she could only handle familiar roads.
– ‘they don’t let me eat certain foods’. Reality: family shopping list was on white board and anybody could add anything they want to it (although we got tired of her requests for lots of expensive avocados and big containers of shrimp after a while! :)). Yes everybody in the house was restricted from eating the diabetic hypoglycemic shakes unless they were diabetic or hypoglycemic; and the special allergy food that was hard to find and had to be ordered online was only for the person with that allergy.
– ‘they won’t let me sleep, I am exhausted and overworked’. reality : that AP slept 2 hours many nights and got up to do a 2 hour middle of night Skype with overseas boyfriend and couldn’t go back to sleep properly afterwards. Not our fault but we still get a snide remark or 2 from people in our community we think are under the impression we overworked her (and NO we never once went over the legal limits of work hours and our AP spent a lot of time sitting txting and listening to music in carpool, in the karate or sports or music class waiting area relaxing on the clock (as part of her scheduled hours) while waiting for kids).
Currently our professional caregiver and After School Club bridge the gap more peacefully without drama!
I try hard to abide by rules and be nice to people and yes, I get sad when things like the above happen. I try to be tough skinned but I think I am no longer cut out for being a HP.
I think we are done with the program unless something unforeseen happens. This site has been so helpful over the years. Thank you!

caringhp February 21, 2015 at 9:05 pm

Sorry that was supposed to be posted in the other post!

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