R U an Au Pair?
Welcome Au Pairs!
If you have gotten to this blog and this page, it’s probably because you or one of your friends knows one of my Au Pairs. I’ve asked a few of my family’s former AP’s to send an email asking their AP friends if I can get in touch with them for ideas about this blog.
Although this blog is really *for* Host Moms, I need some expert Au Pair input. I want to know what topics you wish Host Moms would think about. And, I’d like your opinions on a variety of AP-HM topics.
The point here is to figure out the ‘best practices’ of Host Moms & Au Pairs.
I think the best way for me and other Host Moms to learn how to be better at the whole business of having an Au Pair is for us to be able to see things not only from our perspective, but also from the perspective of Au Pairs.
And that’s where you come in. If I post a "Question to Au Pairs" post– add your comments! If I send out an email asking for advice, send me your opinion!
JUST BE SURE to protect your privacy, your Host Family’s privacy, your Counselor’s privacy, and your friends’ privacy by not revealing too many specific details.
Thanks for your comments– email me at Mom@AuPairMom.com
Is AuPairMom helping you be a better host parent? If yes, share the link with other host parents and help spread the word!
{ 86 comments… read them below or add one }
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Ana and Rose,
I think you need to talk with your LCCs, because these are clearly not fair situations. I would emphasize that what you want is to be part of the family, and you are disappointed that the family sees you as ’staff’ not as cultural exchange.
And if it continues, or you don’t think the hosts are able to provide what you want during this valuable year–you will not get it back, after all!–then do seek rematch. A bad ‘fit’ is a bad fit and will not get better on its own.
Lacie–I’m so sorry for you! I have seen many spoiled children, stateside and in the Bois de Boulogne… at this age, if the kids do it to their parents and you are SURE they are not just testing you, you are hosed.
Bail
I agree. Not only are they not “fair”….they are against the rules of au pair contract. 69 hours in a week is not allowed as stipulated in the dept of state regs. It sounds like that is more the norm than the exception.
Talk to your LCC’s and if they can’t or won’t help, go to your program director.
I can assure you that the situation is unlikely to improve on its own.
good luck.
I am an American aupairing in a non-english speaking european country… i look after a 12 mo and a 3 yr old… i am having a hard time with the 3 yr old, as they don’t speak english, and i don’t speak their language. i am currently in a language course, but i find that, while i am learning, the parents don’t seem to care to help me out by teaching me phrases to say, or helping translate what they have said. it’s very frustrating, and making it very hard to make a connection with the kid. i’ve only been here one month, and want to give it some more time, but i am terribly homesick and am constantly sad just thinking about my family and friends.
i’m not sure if i should stay or leave. i agreed to 12 months, but the thought of another 11 months here is so daunting i can hardly stand it.
I am in the exact same situation, an American au pair in a non-english speaking country. I am in charge of a three year old who does not speak english and is terribly spoiled by his parents. It is making me absolutely crazy and every morning I can’t stand the thought of being here another 11 months. I have been here a little over a month and it has gotten a little better but not much. On top of the language barrier, the family also has 2 one year old twins that are always sick and I work many many hours of overtime. I am sad and lonely, unsure of what to do! It’s comforting to think I am not the only one. What did you end up doing?
You can always contact an your agency and ask for a rematch. When you do that, you need to be very specific about what you are looking for and what you expect. Also, explain your language proficiency. I am also an American aupair working in Germany. I already could speak a good amount of German so that wasn’t a problem. I did need about 1.5 Months before I got along with the kids very well. I am glad I stuck it out because now we have a good relationship. Basically, try discussing this with your host parents and if there is no solution then contact your agency.
I need help because I don’t know what to do. I really love my girl and she loves me and enjoy taking care of the twins, the parents are good, but my problem are my host grand parents! They always complaint about how I am changing diapers, feed or hold the babies and I do it in front of the mom so I know I am not doing anything wrong, but is just annoying. I tell my HM but she told me they are old and I need to ignore them, but I just I can! I was planning to extend with they for another year, actually they (the HP) asked me to do it, but I don’t think I can resist 12 months of this! And if I want to change HF, I need to do it now because my year finish on Feb. I think I am a good Au Pair but also I am scare of not find another HF and need to comeback to my country. Any advice?
Anon, I`m an au pair as well in Germany…. I have been lucky because my guest parents have helped me a lot, but I think you need to go outside from the house and you will also learn with new friends and have a great time. TRy teaching the kid a bit of your language, perhaps through songs and mimics…. making funny faces and those things… it worked for me, but I know it is tough. And Winter is tough as well…. If you are in Germany as well…. let me know…
Mikim: where in Germany are you? I’m in Frankfurt.
hey their y’all!
I am American and planning on going to Norway in a year (I’ll have just turned 20 then) to become an Au Pair. Any suggestions or tips as to what I should expect?
Judging entirely from the southern slang “y’all” in your post, I’m going to suggest you go buy a warm jacket, some thick gloves, a knit hat, and some long underwear. Just saying =D (I’m in Denmark right now, and the two countries are very similar. I’m from the south and didn’t have enough warm clothes when I arrived here.)
Expect it to be cold and dark in the winter. I know that’s like duh, obvious, but you’d be surprised just how early it get’s dark (the sun is only out from 8:30am-4:30pm here right now, and you’ll be further north than me) it can get depressing, so be prepared for that. Also expect ridiculously high prices (high taxes) and a difficult, guttural language. You will likely not be able to reproduce some of the sounds in their language, particularly the ‘r’ sound. Unless your host kids are older than 9, they will probably not speak English, though the parents will and there will be American TV shows available in English. Many of the au pairs you meet will be Filipino, and its fully possible that you will not meet any Americans in Norway for months at a stretch. I’m not trying to talk you out, Norway’s a beautiful place and the people are so friendly (and that country pays one of the highest AP salaries,) but it is something to be ready for.
Tips: One of the best ways to bond with kids despite a language barrier is by doing physical activities. Play outside, chase them around, kick a ball around, paint, bake, sing karaoke. Even if they are shy, just keep pressing. It’ll happen.
Very good respons, Emma!
I agree with most of it, except for the language thing. Actually, Norwegian is easier to pronounce than Danish. It’s “cleaner” and more like Swedish. But yeah, it’s not too easy for Americans
Oh, and Brandie: be aware of the food differences, they’re not gonna have the food you’re use to.
My Au Pair year has almost come to an end and i am having major issues with letting go. I held my host daughter when she was less then 24 hours old. I feel like i know her better then her parents, i sing to her every day and read to her all the time, i know every noise and every cry. i know how to make her laugh and smile by doing the smallest things. I dont like the idea that she wont remember me, but most of all i dont like that i dont get to meet the new au pair who is going to take over from me, and my host parents, especially my host dad cant understand why. i dont think this is unreasonable for me to want to meet her, i mean in my heart she is my baby i would risk my life for her, and it scares me because i have spoken to au pairs who have hit their children and neglected them and i dont want that happening to my baby. I will be honest she is a very spoilt baby and she crys a lot and wants to be held all the time so its not going to be easy for the new au pair so im scared she will stress out and act in an undesirable way. let alone add the stress of her older brother.
i think host parents should consault more with their current au pair when selecting the new one, does that seem unreasonable to anyone??
While I can totally understand your feelings and connection to the baby, you will need to prepare yourself to move on with your life and know that someday (if you desire) you will have your own baby to bond with. If you have a good relationship with the HF, ask if you can keep in touch and perhaps get birthday photos as the child grows up. Or why not make a “care book” for the new AP with your tips and advice for what you’ve found works best with the baby, her habits, etc. Even if the baby doesn’t remember you, you know that your love and attention have nurtured her and helped her start her life in a very special way. You will always have your memories of this experience to treasure, and if you can make a scrapbook or memory album of your au pair year, you’ll be able to share this with your future family. Meanwhile, take a look at the latest post: “When your departing au pair sours your new au pair” and you’ll see some reasons why many host families don’t consult with their current ones to help select the new one.
We still have a great relationship with many of our former au-pairs. They come to visit fairly regularly, and are encouraged to do so (we will even buy some plane tickets- 1 a year.). They have a special place in our childrens’ hearts. Each one has her own place- all of them are different. It’s a lot like snowflakes that way.
au pair in Frankfurt, sorry for the delay , I was on a vacation trip. I’m really near you in Mainz…. how do we contact each other? would be glad to help
Hello. My name is Cassie and I’ve been an au pair for 19 months now. I firstly want to start out by saying that from my point of view, being an au pair is all about personal growth and experience. Some people become an AP under the understanding that all things will be rosy and great! (I know I did!!!)
Then upon arrival to their HF after a few days (weeks, months?) reality sets in as you get to know your new found family and friends. I’ve heard some real horror stories in my time here (in the US) but at the same time, i’ve heard some really good stories, AND got to experience the not-so great family, and the Excellent family. As an AP i’ve noticed that we like to compare our HF to our friends HF, this situation, to that situation – and that’s the biggest mistake we all make – assumably HM’s do it too! Each family is different, no one family will ever be the same and no one schedule or set of rules will be the same.
I had a family for my first year, that were – in hindsight – fairly mediocre, the kids loved me, the family were really nice, but – the stress of the house (ie discipline or lack thereof) and somewhat lack of freedom (rare use of the car on and off duty) and my HP’s forgetfullness (Forgetting my bday until 8pm at night) quickly made my decision of whether to extend or not, alot easier. Although I can’t complain – perks to that fam was that I didn’t have to do ANY laundry of the kids, nor did I have to properly clean my room as the housekeeper did that, but yes, i kept it tidy
Now I live with a family where I have lots of responsibility looking after 4 children, extremely caring host parents, my own private space of the house, use of the car etc etc.
I have seen both sides of the AP experience. I understand what its like to have the feeling of ‘oh i’ll just stick it out’. I’ve had the ‘bad’ and the good. And I just want to reassure any (potential) AP out there who is going thru a rough spot that there ARE families out there who aren’t crap, and that YES its okay to not do the HP’s laundry, you should not have to feel like you’ll get into trouble if you don’t. I have friends who have crappy situations, and I feel like the tables have turned now – I believe that I experienced a crappy situation with the support of great friends, so I could extend, and return that favour. Because now, I am that supportive friend who will come get you and go for a coffee, just because.
So a tip – if it’s too much for you to handle, rematch. If its not quite what you wanted, but bareable – seek out some good friends, ones who will be an ear to listen, without judgement, and offer a good hug and reminder that its not the be all and end all.
Above all; REMEMBER its all about the EXPERIENCE! There is one thing for sure, you will go home a changed person.
This is my first time visiting this website and I have to say that it has been both helpful and scary!
As an American wanting to be an au pair in western Europe, I feel like some of these situations apply and some don’t. I have kind of gathered that being an american who wants to au pair somewhere else and being a non-US citizen wanting to au pair here can be very different situations. Both for the au pair and for the host family.
I’m wanting to au pair because I think it provides the best balance of child care (I love kids and have been a nanny to many families) and traveling to see the world. Wherever I end up I’ll have to have freedoms and privileges like I’m a member of the family. Not having access to transportation, like I’ve read some of the host parents on here do, is just out of the question for me. I’m not sure why anyone would want to au pair in that situation!
Anyway, I feel like I’m rambling, but my point is that I’ll be keeping up with this website as I plan out my own experience. I’ve started a blog about this journey of mine, which hopefully will have some helpful information in it about being an au pair in case any of you other potential APs want to check it out. http://adventuresofanaupair.blogspot.com/
Thanks for this informative website!
Cool blog, Megan. Thanks for sharing. It will be great to check on your topics when you start AP’ing to get the AP perspective.
On transportation, I don’t think you have nearly so much to worry about in Europe as the AP’s coming to the US. You should still ensure there are good public transportation options for each locale, but start focusing on the other things you want to acheive during your year and define your non-negotiables.
Good luck!
I read some of your blog and it is quite wonderful. I could not agree with you more about the portion on the approach of European families vs. American families to aupairing. After reading a lot on this website, I would NEVER work as an aupair in America. Not only do I think 45 hours is quite a lot (technically those extra 5 hours are overtime if one were to be payed hourly) and the pay is lacking, but the other benefits are also not so tip-top. I read on this site about the health insurance and how most parents would not pay for medical bills and their insurance does not seem to cover much and was quite astounded. The fact that transportation is limited(even though many families can’t help that) would definitely turn me off.
My family here is quite great even though it’s not always perfect. They guarantee the basics but sometimes add in little perks because, I’m assuming, we get along so well.
I wanted to add this just for general information for everybody. Please host parents, don’t get all upset. I understand many of you give much more than the basics and I wanted to post this for some info and perspective and not to be essentially screamed at and be simply told that I am wrong and don’t understand the responsibilities of being a mom.*
Ok, please correct me if I am wrong but as far as I have found these are the basics or what is required when one is an au pair in the States.
-Their own bedroom with a door
-family pays for $500 toward courses (which the au pair has to take, also I’m not sure how much courses run in the US)
-$195.75 per week stipend(remember the dollar is at the moment relatively weak)
-2 weeks paid vacation per year
-1.5 days off a week
-can be worked up to 45 hours per week
The typical situation in Europe:
-4 weeks payed vacation during the year
-260 Euros monthly stipend
-family pays for a monthly pass for the local transportion (it must cover the cost to and from a language course)
-family covers health, accident, and liability insurance (there is no such thing as a “copay” and everything except preventative medicine (birth control, basic physicals) is payed for)
-One day off during the week
-Here there are very very cheap courses that one can take
*On a side note, every time I have tried to give any constructive advice to any of the topics on this site from an au pair’s perspective, I receive angry, to put it plainly, “You’re just wrong” type of statements without very logical explanations. Unfortunately the feeling I have gotten since I have contributed to/been reading this website is that its a constant fight against the au pairs because we are just the young inexperienced girls who don’t understand much. I feel that there is no point in me contributing when I am so frequently met with such negativity. I am honestly not surprised that many mother have complained about their au pair not being to talk to them about issues they are having. With that, I wish you all the best of luck!
Hi, I am an au pair in Europe, and au pairing is stressing me out! My host mum is usually nice, but she never praises me for what I have done right or good, she only critiscises me, for the little things I have done wrong, and makes it sound like its caused such a big problem…when it’s hasn’t!! I am really trying my best, but it can get so tiering when nothing you seem to do is right. I have only been with that family for one month ..so isn’t it only expected that I am going to make some mistakes as I am learning! All I would like is a thankyou once in a while..is that too much to ask?? I would like to know what other host moms think, and also if any other aupairs are in the same situation?
Sounds like my former family. In the end things just became too much (they were ignoring me unless they were criticising me) and I left. Where in Europe are you?
see that’s the thing, they don’t ignore me, they treat me as a member of the family, but its just that everyday I just seem to do something wrong!! I am in Denmark.
It’s hard to comment since your HM’s personality and cultural communication is in play. Scandinavians (very generally) aren’t as expressive as other cultures. At least your HM is giving you correction during your training time; she may intend it to be constructive though it feels critical to you. It may seem like she is making a “big deal” of little things but her intention may be to explain “why.” Don’t undersestimate the “thank yous” you receive!
It may also help to talk to your HM. My family is swedish (I’m 2nd generation American) and I can certainly relate having had many friends call me a “stoic swede”. Perhaps you could start the conversation by saying that you appreciate her helping you learn your job and correcting things that you still need improvement on, it would also help you be a better au pair to occasionally hear about the things you are doing right. It could simply be that the act of saying thank you or good job is something that is difficult for her to do, or it could also be that she feels she is showing you that she feels you are doing a good job by treating you as a part of the family.
I was living with Norwegians and kind of experienced the same thing. The family was nice….but the mom could be cold. She would nitpick about the weirdest things (the sandwich I was making for her daughter’s lunch, how I was cutting vegetables, how I made the oatmeal for the kids in the morning), and never seemed to appreciate anything that I did correctly. They treated me as a part of the family as far as inviting me to go places with the family (i.e. hiking a couple times, to the daughter’s ballet recital, and shopping once or twice with all the kids), eating dinner with them, etc, but they never showed any real interest in getting to know me. I think the host dad asked me what my dad did for a living 2 or 3 months into me living with them, and neither parent ever took me out anywhere without the kids, except to the grocery store a couple times. I ended up leaving early. The cultural differences between Americans and Scandinavians are subtle, but they do exist!…or maybe it was just them?
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